If she is attractive; tell your readers exactly how attractive, within the first paragraph. Speculate on whether she is attracted to you.
If she has become successful and not moved to a Western country; ask why, speculate on if she realizes how attractive she is: could this be the reason why she hasn’t moved?
If she writes about a non-Western country; see if you can find a dead white guy to quote. It will help orientate any readers who are feeling panicked. Here’s a helpful guide:
– India: Walt Whitman or Rudyard Kipling
– China: W. Somerset Maugham
– The Caribbean: Graham Greene
– Africa the country: Joseph Conrad or Winston Churchill
If a character in her book has had an abortion; speculate on whether she has had an abortion. Make sure your readers know that the answer doesn’t affect how attractive you find her.
If she is a writer of colour; compare her skin to food; chocolate, caramel, coffee, raisins, tater tots, brown bread. If she is white don’t worry about it; your readers know what that looks like.
If she is a writer of colour; ask how her race has impacted upon her writing. Try to make it both your first and last question, after the attractiveness and skin thing.
If she is blonde; mention it.
If she is slim; mention it.
If she is a woman; mention it.
If her book mentions her character’s health; ask if she lost weight while writing it.
If she says she has lost/gained weight; inform your readers of whether this has improved her appearance.
If she doesn’t want to talk about her weight; ask her again. She will respect your tenacity and your readers deserve to know.
If there has been no obvious change in her weight and she doesn’t mention her character’s health; content yourself with describing her figure. Inform your readers of whether her figure makes her more or less attractive to you.
If she has made literary history at a young age; mention her youthful appearance, contrast the level of her success with the level of your own boner.
If you are surprised that a pretty young thing like her has written a serious book; share that surprise with your readers.
If her books focus on a specific historical era; ask if she would have liked to have been married during that time. Maybe to a dashing bard?
If her protagonist is attractive; tell her and your readers whether you would like to bone her (the protagonist, you should have already established whether you want to bone the author in your first paragraph).
If you imagine her protagonist is not attractive; ask the author whether she would be friends with her protagonist in real life. What kind of friends? Frenemies or gal pals?
If she has written a biography; ask if she did it so people would like her.
If she has written a crime novel; ask if she is aware of how many prostitutes are murdered each year. Does she ever wonder what it must be like to be a prostitute?
If she has written a prize-winning novel; tell your readers why this is A Very Good Thing and also Highly Unusual and whether it has been nominated because She Is Attractive.
If she has written a sci-fi novel; wait until she’s dead before you interview her.
Tags: advice, beulah devaney, books, feminism, humor sort-of, sexism, writing
I wish this was a bingo card so every time I read an article about a female author I could play. And the prize would be a huge vat of male tears to bathe in while eating nachos and screaming “DID YOUR DICK WRITE THIS ARTICLE FOR YOU, FUCKHEAD? “
I feel like that scream is so widely applicable, somehow.
Pretty sure I need that scream on a daily basis.
So many words could be substituted for “article”, here. “Screenplay”. “Novel”. “Facebook post”.
This was a prize I did not know I needed to win until exactly this moment.
She either delicately nibbled a salad during the interview, or chowed down on a meaty burger or rare steak while never talking with food in her mouth.
The Readers need to know.
She may have also giggled conspiratorially while discussing the wine selection.
Thank you! I came here to add this as well. Any profile of a woman (a writer or otherwise) must include copious details about what she ordered and how she ate it as well as the male writer’s reflections on the meaning of her order and her style of consumption.
My rule for profiles is that you can’t mention what the person ate at the interview lunch in your lede unless it’s human flesh
What is she wearing? What about her hair style? Her shoes? This is especially important if you are writing about any woman for the New Yorker.
“Africa the country”
Ahahahahahaha burn it.
The title could probably be shortened to “How to interview a woman.” It’s so cool how you can recycle most of these questions for anyone from an actress to a writer to a politician to a scientist, right? Job is secondary to attractive womanliness.
I would say job is third- behind attractive womanliness (obviously!) and significant other/children/similar justifications for why the interviewer has not banged said woman.
At first I read this as, “why the interviewer has not banged salad woman,” which I also like.
We all know the interviewer would never bang a woman who nibbles on salad. Only women who lustily dig into rare steaks.
If she has children, ask her how she finds the time to write. Insinuate that she’s probably a bad mother, like Medea before her.
If she doesn’t have children and is over 30, speculate whether that gaping loss informs her writing.
If she is married but has no children:
– Married in the past 18 months = speculate on whether she is pregnant
– Married longer = speculate on whether she is infertile
Ah, I see the interviewer is not a man after all but actually both my grandmothers.
This made me laugh so fucking hard I choked on pure air.
Be sure to describe what she’s wearing. Also whether she looks comfortable or uncomfortable in these clothes and how they affect her attractiveness.
Ask her why she wanted to be a novelist, of all things, when she could have – should have – wanted nothing more than to be a mother.
OF ALL THINGS
William Giraldi will never leave us.
Oh, and if she’s short, make sure to mention that and call her “petite.”
And if she’s tall, she’s coltish (if under 25) or lanky (26 and up).
“Firecracker,” if she has red hair and/or is less deferential than a doormat.
Unless she’s also fat, in which case emphasize how pretty her face is.
It’s also crucial to imply that her weight is a coping mechanism for past traumas, traumas which inform her writing. And that she seems brave.
If she writes about sex ask how her husband feels about this. Does he read the sex scenes? If a character has cheated, speculate about the fidelity of her own relationships.
Don’t let readers just assume she has long hair; specify! Is it a fall of hair, does it spill down her back, does she tuck it behind her ear as you talk?
If she is famous, speculate on how amazingly grounded and down-to-earth she is.
Do your research and find out if she has a rich husband supporting her adorable writing habit.
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. (obviously, if this article was a woman author I would be asking it about its relationship status and speculating about our compatibility.)
Are her parents proud of her?
(Ideally ask this after verifying her father’s profession.)
Do not verify mother’s profession or even name. These are beyond trivial and you should not bother your readers with them.
Laugh heartily like the good sport you pretend to be when your interview subject sends you this: http://shipyourenemiesglitter.com/
In your review of her subsequent novel, say that it “lies stiffened in a morgue of mentation.”
If her book has a female protagonist, note any similarities between their looks. If they both have brown hair or two arms, her protagonist is probably a self-insert and proceed with the assumption that she shares all the personality traits and opinions of her protagonist.
If the interview is in a public place, take note of whether people are looking at you two. Speculate on the link between her attractiveness and people looking at you. Calculate the ratio between female writers’ attractiveness and their noticeability in public. Publish your work. Receive praise. Bask in glory. Ten years later find this interview, unedited and unpublished. Reflect on it for a whisper of time. Wonder if she is still attractive. Never find out.
As a reader, I don’t know how to respond to this. Can you let me know exactly how hot you are so I can appropriately calibrate my opinions?
Describe her laughter as “warm” or “throaty.”
The reader needs to know that Hilary Mantel thinks you’re funny.
I still don’t know what a throaty laugh is. I’ve never understood how anyone’s voice could originate anywhere other than their larynx, though, soooo…
It is the acceptable counterpoint to the “cackle,” the shrill variety of woman-laugh which originates in the wandering uterus.
Pretty sure I cackled upon reading this, then was alarmed by the idea that I might have a wandering uterus.
Are you female? Then you automatically do.
Quick! have the nearest male put sweet smelling food next to a next to your va-…erm next to your “aphrodisiacal tennis court” and hopefully it will tempt the womb back to its correct place.
It’s a laugh that bounces up from the chest to the soft palate and out, rather than up through the cheekbones and out. It’s deeper in pitch than a giggle or a light chuckle, and has more resonance.
/singer
“If she has made literary history at a young age; mention her youthful appearance, contrast the level of her success with the level of your own boner.”
To be fair, I endorse a boner-based standard of literary criticism for ALL authors and works.
I usually read women authors only, because MISANDRY, but I recently started a book by a male author I’d been meaning to check out. The first chapter has thus far described what a woman looked like while giving one of the dudes a blow job, and compared a man’s bald head to the shaved testicles of a porn star; furthermore, the shifting, multiple perspectives have yet to include a woman. This is why I don’t read men.
#notallmen
#notallbaldmen (resemble shaved testicles)
This sounds familiar – especially the testicles part. What book is this? Whatever it is I feel like I abandoned it pretty quickly.
Telegraph Avenue by Chabon. I live right near Telegraph and really wanted to like this. Perhaps it gets better? I don’t think I’m willing to find out.
Wait, so the bald guy has a strangely loose and wrinkly scalp?
Because unless that’s what the analogy means to evoke, I can’t understand why any editor would let it stay.
And on a related note, is it possible that my strong opinions about very involved editors stems from my desire to shout at and insult men for lazy prose that women would never get away with?
Or, more to the point, is there anything it could be other than that?
Y’know, shit like this is why I read almost entirely YA for a while. Now I read adult fiction and… yep, all female authors on that front. What a COINCIDENCE, huh.
Despite the female viewpoint in the majority of YA novels, many of them perpetuate notions of the helpless female who either needs to be saved by a man or whose life is meaningless without a man (or both). That actually bugs me more than a novel without a single woman in it 😀
There are some who pass even the strictest feminist scrutiny. I can recommend – off the top of my head – David Mitchell, Philip Pullman, John Green, James Morrow, David Grossman – they don’t disappoint when it comes to portraying strong, independent female characters in a nuanced, realistic manner.
I’ve read The Yiddish Policemen’s Union by Chabon and really loved it, although I am not particularly sensitive to misoginy hidden in narratives (even though I’m a woman). I’ve found the story, the atmosphere and the quality of writing superb, but it certainly is a mannish book. Telegraph Avenue is on my bookshelf but I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet.
One male I think of immediately is Terry Pratchett, though he’s more young adult.
Also, for young adults in general, Tamora Pierce is pretty damn great 🙂
The third Tiffany Aching book had some weird stuff about abuse…
If you are interested enough to keep going, you will get super perspectives from women – midwives, even! – as well as from a teenage gay boy. I really liked it, but, you know, tastes vary.
Great!
This guide should also work very well generally for radio interviews with women. The importance of receiving a physical description of them along with what they might have to say cannot be emphasized enough (actually, most women interviewed on the radio station I listen to in the morning are frail or at least very slim. What a coincidence).
OMG, I was gonna blast you one, until I realised, it was satire… well done, thank you. Speaks an honest point of view.
Welcome to The Toast?
This is depressingly accurate.
If she has written erotica, definitely comment on how attractive she is, and how surprised you are that she’s attractive.
<tinytext> Those semicolons, tho’. </tinytext>
I was wondering the same thing…
If she writes crime fiction, wonder how such horrid thoughts can bloom in such a pretty flowerbed of a head. If any of her female characters are even passably dislikeable agonise for a minimum of 750 words on the probable strain on her psyche caused by her creations, then round off with the rousing reassurance that you’d still definitely totally bone her.
Puhleeze don’t forget to enumerate how much she drinks but note as well what she drinks and how: sips white wine, swills red, knocks back shots, nurses a bourbon, omg drinks beer from a bottle (trying too hard), elitest b asks for a glass for her beer, or, and brace yourself, outclasses the interviewer by ordering champagne, no matter the time of day, or if a bloody mary (nursing a hangover?), sure signs she is OUT of control.
Love it.
It’s very similar to an article written by music producer Alex Ambrose, for the contemporary classical music station Q2 Music — http://q2music.org/.
“How to Talk to a Female Composer” http://www.wqxr.org/#!/story/how-to-talk-female-c…
Check it OUT!!
For crying out loud, WHAT’S SHE WEARING? And I’m only going to read it if there’s a picture of her inside her own home (which is decorated how?).
If you write for the New Yorker or Atlantic, mention her sexuality directly if she is a Lesbian, but only imply it (if that) if she is straight..
Don’t forget to call her a “lady writer.”
Africa the country – love it! Way to show the complete ignorance of the interviewer.
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Very good and trustworthy portal! Plenty of interesting information. We were looking for this. Thank you for sharing!
Awesome!
This aide ought to likewise work exceptionally well for the most part for radio meetings with ladies. The significance of getting a physical depiction of them alongside what they may need to say can’t be sufficiently underscored (really, most ladies met on the radio station I listen to in the morning are delicate or if nothing else extremely thin. What a fortuitous event)
On the off chance that her book has a female hero, take note of any likenesses between their looks. On the off chance that they both have cocoa hair or two arms, her hero is presumably a self-embed and continue with the suspicion that she imparts all the identity characteristics and sentiments of her hero.
In the event that her book has a female hero, take note of any likenesses between their looks. In the event that they both have chestnut hair or two arms, her hero is likely a self-embed and continue with the supposition that she shares all the identity characteristics and feelings of her hero.
Make certain to portray what she’s wearing. Additionally whether she looks agreeable or uncomfortable in these garments and how they influence her engaging quality.
Make certain to portray what she's wearing. Additionally whether she looks agreeable or uncomfortable in these garments and how they influence her engaging quality.