If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would use smiley emojis in all his emails, and although you—being Minnesotan and well-versed in the nuances of passive-aggressive behavior—wouldn’t buy it, your boss and all the VPs would find it charming.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he’d have long conversations with himself in his cubicle, which would be right next to yours — alarming conversations you would think you were meant to overhear — but because your office has such a very disengaged HR department, you would never know who to talk to about it, so you would just start wearing earbuds and cranking up your music.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would take an instant dislike to anyone in the office named Brittany, and no one would understand why.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would leave his dirty dishes in the breakroom sink and then complain that he’d seen George from Accounting leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, everyone would be careful not to say, “I’ve got your back,” because Richard is really sensitive about his back and nobody would want him to think it was a dig.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, when his immediate superior got fired, he would pass around a really sappy Papyrus farewell card for everyone to sign, and then he would deliver it right before he started moving his things into his former superior’s office.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would call someone to ask a question instead of walking the ten feet to the other person’s cubicle. You’d guess that he would do this because of the contortions his face makes when he’s lying (a holdover from the pre-Garrick performance style).
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would “work from home” at least once every couple of weeks, always with a very valid reason for doing so, such as a mortally ill pet or a mortally ill wife or an electrician doing work on his attic.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would pay a creepy amount of attention to the intern, even/especially if the intern happened to be his niece. And let’s face it, nepotism is fairly widespread in the corporate environment, so most of the time, the intern would be his niece.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, your two remaining yogurts would vanish from the fridge, even though they were labeled with your initials. You would send out a passive-aggressive email about this, because that’s what Minnesotans do, and Richard would respond with sympathy and outrage. Later you would notice two empty yogurt containers in his trash can, with the lids cut up into tiny pieces so that it would be impossible to identify them as yours.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would make a rousing speech at the office holiday party, but people would only remember the first clause, which they would quote out of context afterward. He wouldn’t mind, though, because he’s a big fan of double meanings.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he’d say things like, “Thanks for flagging that!” and “Good catch!” and “Just let me know if you need anything else from me on that front,” and you’d know in your bones that he was imagining throwing your lifeless body down the elevator shaft.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would always show up two to three minutes early for a meeting, and since you always show up about one minute early and everyone else moseys in about one minute late, the two of you would have a lot of awkward two-minute conversations about TV shows while sitting in the empty conference room. The worst would be when you’d try to explain your conviction that Game of Thrones squandered its opportunity to be truly nuanced rather than just well-acted. “Like, what was Joffrey’s motivation?” you’d ask, and he’d respond, “Motivation is boring. I’m just in it for the decapitated horses and tits.” And you, ever grammatically fastidious, would say, “Decapitated tits?” just as your boss walked into the conference room.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, happy hour after work would always be slightly awkward, because of what happened to George from Accounting that one time with the wine. But Richard wouldn’t want to talk about that because he’d claim it was just too painful. Instead he’d subtly prompt everyone to complain about the boss, and he would manage to do it without saying anything himself that could be seen as critical or unprofessional.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would take a lot of smoke breaks in the parking lot, and if you ever ran out to grab something from your car, you’d hear him talking to himself there, too. And if you happened to bring up that smoking is bad for the lungs, he would say, “Good counsel” in a way that would make your blood run cold.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would have lots of hedgehog memes printed out and taped to the wall of his cubicle, because someone who no longer works here called him a hedgehog once as an insult, and rather than letting it go he decided to own it. There would be no other decorative elements in his cubicle except for a stiffly posed family photo from around 2004.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would always be cruising Twitter on his phone during staff meetings, because he’s extremely intentional about maintaining his social media image.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would very quickly become the CEO thanks to the massive turnover at your company, but then he would be forced to resign due to a buyout, and he would clear out his office and be gone before the disengaged HR department got around to sending out the “Join us in wishing Richard luck as he embarks on a career change!” email. Which is just as well, because Shakespeare’s Richard III doesn’t want your pity.
Tags: amy fitzgerald, beauty, richard iii, work
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I CANNOT EVEN READ THIS YET
TOO MUCH
TOO EXCITED
OH MY GOODDDDD
eta: have now read, am doing explosive can’t-breathe laughing. George and that one time with the wine. Two yogurt lids, cut into tiny pieces. Nepotism.
If Shakespeare’s Richard III were your coworker, he would make a rousing speech at the office holiday party, but people would only remember the first clause, which they would quote out of context afterward. He wouldn’t mind, though, because he’s a big fan of double meanings.
YES
Argh Im reading the White Princess and this is too much!
The White Princess is basically If Richard III were your boyfriend so this post is both completely correct and incredibly confusing.
I lost it at the misquoted speech bit. How does this series keep getting better and better???
“You’d guess that he would do this because of the contortions his face makes when he’s lying (a holdover from the pre-Garrick performance style)”
I think this is my favorite. I mean all of it is, but especially this.
This is so timely considering I just watched the ‘King Under the Car Park’ docu the other day!
I watched that the other week!
Some of these sound VERY REAL to me, like maybe the author actually IS working with Shakespeare’s Richard III as opposed to a playful fantasy of him.
I have never seen Richard III but I loved Looking for Richard and I am definitely enjoying the mental image of Al Pacino cruising Twitter during a meeting and saying “Good catch!” in a tone just on the questionable side of sarcasm.
If you can put your hands on a copy of the Ian McKellen version, it’s very, very good. Excellent cast all around, actually.
100% agreed on that–it may well be my favorite Shakespeare adaptation on film.
Many of my favorite Shakespeare adaptions share the common attribute of featuring Ian McKellen.
So, so, good! Loved all of it, especially the small, but delicious, touches such as “George from Acounting” and using Papyrus as Richard’s go-to font.
DYING!
Meanwhile, Shakespeare’s Richard II has somehow diverted a quarter of the department’s annual budget into the St. Patrick’s Day Party Fund.
This comment is perfection.
Yes
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to fuck shit up
Smell ya later, losers
This whole thing makes me incredibly happy and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad
Good that you specified _Shakespeare’s_ Richard III, otherwise you might have the Richard III Society out for you.
Hee hee. I feel like I want there to be something about suddenly accusing you of witchcraft and sorcery in the middle of a dispute over whose turn it is to fix the paper jam in the printer.
When I interviewed for my present job, one of the committee members asked me over dinner if I knew anything about witchcraft. Awkwardest dinnertime conversation ever.
Just say yes. And then refuse to elaborate.
Amazing. Today was the winter of my working day made glorious summer by this brilliant post.
And you, ever grammatically fastidious, would say, “Decapitated tits?” just as your boss walked into the conference room. This is exactly what would happen if Richard III were my coworker.
It would happen to me too, but fortunately my boss is as immature and easily amused as I am so she’d immediately start snickering dirtily.
You’d never be able to prove that he’d done it on purpose, but it would keep happening, and you’d be pretty sure it was on purpose.
Though I’m not the boss, I walk in on this situations all the time. It’s like a gift.
Uh oh. I might be Shakespeare’s Richard III, the Coworker.
Me too, I’m afraid.
Thought #1: Man, this guy’s a douchebag.
Thought #2: … I do some of this.
YESSSSSS
Game of Thrones totally DID squander its opportunity to be truly nuanced instead of just well-acted, THANK YOU!!
Also, this is amazing and I am sending it to all my fellow Shakespeare nerds.
When I interviewed for my present job, one of the committee members asked me over dinner if I knew anything about witchcraft. Awkwardest dinnertime conversation ever.
It would happen to me too, but fortunately my boss is as immature and easily amused as I am so she'd immediately start snickering dirtily.
This is so incredibly fantastic, I love it!
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Really apperciate the information you have shared and it has been really helpful.
Your services are undoubtly unmatched for the price and quality that's offered. http://ibirdcloud.com
Sharing such information is caring and please do share such thing in future too as we all benfit from it.
If Romeo were your coworker, he’d either be in marketing, or everyone would wish he were.
If Romeo were your coworker, he’d waste a lot of meeting time (and a lot of your work hours generally) detailing large-scale but completely impractical ideas. His presentations would always be extremely polished and yet entertaining, and none of them would ever include a budget.
If Romeo were your coworker, he’d spend all the time that anyone else was speaking exchanging puns on Twitter with his friends in other companies. Consequently he would have no idea what anyone else’s priorities or personalities might be.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would call you at 11pm to tell you about his latest brilliant idea that just can’t wait for tomorrow.
If Romeo were your coworker, he’d always be late, because logistical details are not part of his universe. He would have long and improbable reasons, which he would insist on telling everyone, thus delaying everything further.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would make extravagant promises which bosses and clients would love, but which you would have to work 20 hour days for three weeks in a row to deliver.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would never reuse the same material. You would admire and also hate him for this.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would never, ever, make an appointment.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would do a great impression of listening respectfully to what authorities tell him. They would not dream of relying on him, but many would ultimately like him because he is flamboyant, fairly easily managed, and not competent enough to be a threat to them.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would develop unpredictable, intense, short-lived crushes on everyone in your company, the client’s company, and the industry in general. He would be extremely indiscreet about them, which would make every new business approach incredibly awkward for everyone else and be the kiss of death to several otherwise great potential collaborations (once causing a diplomatic incident). He would see nothing wrong with any of this, because Love Conquers All.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would nonetheless have several clients to his name who were either swept away by his presentation style or worn down by his sheer egocentric persistence.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would have been fired at least once for stalking a client and once for getting caught doing coke in the conference room. He would cry and cite these instances as evidence that the universe persecutes him unfairly whenever he got drunk at a work party and someone told him to get a taxi.
If Romeo were your coworker, he would have a couple of restraining orders to his name. He would also have changed his name at least once.
If Romeo were your coworker, there would be an urban legend that a senior politician he once wrote speeches for eventually faked their own death to get rid of him.