If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he’d know about your penchant for doodling people during long phone calls. You’d leave your notebook open on the kitchen counter and return later to find your sketches surrounded by speech bubbles, giving them fascinating conversations that hinted at rich inner lives.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, his eyes would have lit up the first time he heard your huge firework of a laugh, the laugh you never taught yourself to quiet or modulate. “Oh my God,” he said, “you’re cute.” Without fail, his eyes would always light up the exact same way when you laughed your big laugh. One day you’d be watching a show and he’d arrive home with that light in his eyes, and when you asked, “What?” he’d grin that lopsided grin and say, “I could hear you laughing all the way from the elevator.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d pick up Spanish pretty quickly, even though you dropped it in sixth grade. You’d also get better at French, even though you dropped it after high school. Heck, you’d be fluent in Hindi, even though you haven’t had a class since college, because you wouldn’t be afraid of making a fool of yourself when struggling with a language; you’d know Oscar would gently let you know if you drop a pronoun or five.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, sometimes he’d jokingly call you his “problematic fave.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he’d check in on you intermittently when you worked from home. “Jesus, babe, you’re a person, not an automaton that sacrifices its body and soul at the pedestal of capitalism,” he’d say while adjusting your Gollum-esque posture, or getting you a new cup of tea to replace your long-abandoned one, or physically pulling your chair away from the computer while you clawed at the mouse.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, when you sang in the shower in the mornings, you’d keep the door open so he could sing along with you. Among other things.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d be banned from any and all Hamilton sing-alongs because last time Oscar blew them all away with a terrifyingly amazing rendition of “Wait For It.” “I’m really sorry,” your friend who organizes the events would say. “We just can’t handle the excessive sobbing.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you would both have the option to skip any TV episode that involved losing money or playing around with savings or throwing it around or lying about it. In fact, both of you would audibly wince when you saw Jake Peralta’s bathtub of bills on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and you’d take turns telling each other when it was okay to look during the entire first season of Silicon Valley.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he’d always ask what you were thinking when you were having a really good thought. You’d have long discussions about the incredible chaos and beauty of the world, and also whether the two of you combined could convince aliens to befriend humans. “You’d be a great human-alien diplomat,” he would say. “The aliens would love you.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d make up strange little games in all the museums you went to. “You know,” he’d say, pointing to a giant dinosaur skeleton, “we should get this for the living room.” “What is this, a temple for ants?!” you’d ask, pointing to a model in the ancient Egyptian architecture exhibit. “Actually, ants have a much stronger Puritan work ethic,” he’d say, squinting at the description card. “It says this is a temple for praying mantises.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t really care too much about social media, but he’d take the pictures when you ask, record videos when you say, and follow you — and only you — on Twitter. The one tweet he would ever like would be a joke you’d told him you worried wasn’t actually that funny.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you would not be cool about his friendship with Lupita Nyong’o – you’d be OVER THE DAMN MOON about it. “Okay, but does she ask about me? Does she smell really wonderful? Do you think she would approve of this outfit,” you’d ask him constantly. He would introduce you eventually, and say later that you “shoved me out of the way like you didn’t know me from Adam!” But he can’t prove it.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d convince him to cameo on your favorite TV shows. His singing would be heavenly on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, his character on Adventure Time would give you lovely, weird dreams — but his bit as a hot Ayn Rand-loving mansplainer on Broad City would be the one that left you in tears of laughter.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d argue over which character traits each one of you “got.” “I’m doing that movie, and I think Wendell’s habit of forgetting a detail and bringing it up in the middle of a conversation would be perfect for the character. You read the script, you know I’m right!” “Look, that tic is perfect for this short story I’m writing, and you used Serena’s rapid-fire speaking style in your Broad City cameo!” “Fine, fine. But that means I get Meg’s super angry face.” “Deal.”
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d get your thick, dark eyebrows done at the same time. He’d always tell you sincerely that your brows look better.
If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you’d tell him how much you love a certain type of person, you know, the kind who never makes you feel like you’re left hanging in a conversation or in a terrible situation or in the world. The kind of person who’s solid like a rock, who knows who they are. You wish you were like that. “You are,” he’d say. You would stare at him, mouth agape, as he continued, “You are that type of person.” “Since when?” And then he’d smile quizzically at you, like are you kidding? and say, “You’ve always been that type of person.”
The laughter one? It me. One day, I had the windows wide open as I was laughing so loudly and so hard at the Vicar of Dibley that my roommate, who was about seven houses down the street and walking home, could hear me.
In college my friends would regularly find me in the dining hall by following the sound of my laugh.
That’s fantastic. It’s like GPS, BUT BETTER.
Same!
I was visiting my parents and my dad and I ran to the store and a friend who happened to be shopping at the same town hunted us down to say hello because she heard me laughing from the other side of the grocery store. I’ve never been more proud.
One of my proudest moments for my laugh was during my brother’s wedding I was laughing at something as we stood up at the front during the ceremony. Somebody snapped a picture of me laughing with my mouth wide open and my head back. Later, my brother tagged me in it on facebook with the caption, “my sister has the best laugh.” I nearly cried (I might have, in fact), I was so touched.
My mother and I share this trait. I found out that she’d slipped into the second act of a show I was in entirely because of her laughter, and I’ve been recognized multiple times because of mine.
My bestie has a laugh like that, and we would tell her that we could follow it across rooms. Then I found out that she thought we were teasing her and I was like NO ITS THE BEST NEVER STOP
OH MAN I have found my people. My parents hate the way I laugh because I cackle, but literally everyone else seems to love it.
I think I got my unrestrained laugh from my mother, as she has no ability to differentiate between a quiet speaking voice and talking very loudly. It’s almost Austin Powers-esque.
Perfect. Me too. I’ve been identified on videos, through hallways and across church by my laugh. Part of who I am. High fives to the fellow loud laughers. Enjoying life.
It me, too. I am deeply self-conscious about this even if friends occasionally claim to find it charming.
It is charming! We are charming, magnificent little unicorns. And our laughs are the whinnies of mythological creatures.
Also shout out to Vicar of Dibley. Hilarious
THIS IS UNFAIR.
Alright, shut down the toast and stick a fork in me, I’m done. Sigh. <3
I feel vaguely nauseated and sweaty because of how much I love this. If I were ever to see Oscar Isaac in person god knows what would happen.
noooooo i’ve been dreading this and it’s as perfect as I feared whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I needed this today. Bless you.
My heart light turned on full-blast just at the title!
I want nothing more than to do the Ex-Machina dance with Oscar Isaac.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/l396CAH798SmK6QjC/…
CRYING.
My sensitive emotional places were poked throughout by the wonderfulness, but “you’ve always been that kind of person”…..if anyone needs me, I’ll be in the fetal position.
(no disrespect, this was crafted out of kittens and rainbows omg)
THAT’S MY FACE
OSCAR ISAAC IS TALKING ABOUT MY ANGRY FACE
my heart oh my god
If anybody needs an antidote/boner-killer: Oscar Isaac is probably the annoying guitar guy at the party.
(I have to tell myself this sometimes so I don’t crush too hard)
Look, I know he is this person but he’s also SIMULTANEOUSLY Mike Birbiglia making that joke about the annoying guitar guy at the party, so it works out.
Also his voice is pretty so I would put up with it.
He’s written 65 songs and they’re all about Joe.
Excellent. For the record, debating at what age I should show my daughter Say Anything. It’s just so good. She’s 10 now. I say 13? On account of the back seat sex? Maybe earlier? I don’t know. I just want her to know Lloyd and yes, Lili Taylor’s character (I looked it up, it’s Corey).
I’m thinking 14 or freshman year of high school, whichever comes first.
I think I showed it to my son at age 11 or 12.
proud moment: when he showed it to his girlfriend a few years later, because it’s so good and she had to see it.
“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall!”
A moving, perfect, sexy rendition of Wonderwall.
One day you’d be watching a show and he’d arrive home with that light in his eyes, and when you asked, “What?” he’d grin that lopsided grin and say, “I could hear you laughing all the way from the elevator.”
OKAY BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY SOMETHING PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME SO THIS POST IS DEFINITELY ABOUT ME, RIGHT???
this is my real birthday present, it is a prediction of my future, no one tell me otherwise
Happy Birthday, and may all of your Oscar Isaac’s come true.
This is just what I needed today. But you know what I need more? A Youtube video of Oscar Isaac singing “Wait for It.” Can that just surface on the internet now?
How perfect would that be? So perfect. So so perfect. I need it.
I’m personally taking great….comfort – yes, let’s call it that – scrolling every so slightly back and forth, back and forth between Oscar Isaac’s photo and Benedict Cumberbatch’s photo on the main page.
So much…comfort.
*deep, lung-rattling delighted sigh*
Stop it. I can’t. This is too good and I’m at work and I can’t be feeling all these feelings right now. Love all of this so much!
Argh I don’t even *like* Oscar Isaac stop trying to make me argh *surrenders, weeps*
THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE
None of this is accurate because if Oscar Isaac was my boyfriend I would literally never leave my bedroom. Real talk.
Siiiiiiiigh…
(I am immune to cumberbatch and Hiddleston, but eventually some famous guy had to work, I guess…)
He’s still Blue in the trash fire that was Suckerpunch to me so this is VERY CONFUSING.
Hahaha. I don’t know if you listen to the podcast How Did This Get Made, but the episode on Suckerpunch with Chelsea Perretti is COMEDY GOLD.
Oooooh, thanks for the rec!
Oh my god, it is SO GREAT. SO. GREAT.
I listened this weekend, and it was glorious/made me realize that I should have been even more angry about that garbage heap of a movie than I was in the first place. Thank you!!
Yay! I’m so glad you liked it! 😀
Her obsessing over how hot he is is the best thing ever in retrospect. Chelsea Peretti is the goddamned best I love her laugh.
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. I think my brain wilfully erased it.
This is my favorite. MY FAVORITE, I TELL YOU.
I am also pleased to hear that I have found my fellow “laughs too loud” people 🙂
it’s close to midnight here in India, I was already in bed when I started reading this. Now, I am sitting upright and trying to develop a “huge firework of a laugh”, which sounds unrehearsed and my cat couldn’t be more annoyed. But these are prices we pay.
omg, that is the best, you are the best
Cats need to be annoyed a bit every day. It is good for their souls.
Not every thing is going to go your way, cat! There’s still people being silly!
At least, that is what I am sticking to. Ahem.
“his bit as a hot Ayn Rand-loving mansplainer on Broad City would be the one that left you in tears of laughter”
ABBY? ILANA? ARE YOU LISTENING?!!??!
THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME
whAT If oscr isacc call me his promblematnic fave fdaks;jlkfdkfdsjgodsapijvocspj
My sentiments exactly.
I HAVE ASCENDED
SOB
thank you
*SCREEEAAAAAMMMMMIIINNNNGGG*
I kind of knew this was coming. It’s gotta be, I told myself. And yet somehow I cannot. Handle. Aieeee. Please don’t leave me The Toast 🙁
After Hiddles’ Great Betrayal, I needed this.
This is so deeply satisfying, like a delicious savory baked item on a cold day when you can eat it while it’s still warm and look out the window at the snow.
Unnnggggh I’m going to miss these, and this one kills.
I had no idea who he was until the trailers for “Inside Llewyn Davis” came out, and I swear the first time I saw it, I pointed at the screen and said, involuntarily, out loud to myself, “WHO IS THAT??” He’s one of those celebrities I know very little about, but, based on nothing, have always assumed to be wonderful.
That last paragraph got me right in the feels. Yep. Tears.
I will miss this.
You did this for us as consolation for closing the toast, right? It’s okay, you can admit it to me.
Thank you for writing the “if X were your X” article that I’ve actually been waiting for, for years. The one about the eyebrows…it me.
Yesssssssssss.
My personal Tall Girl submission: If Oscar Isaac were your boyfriend, you would feel like Gwendoline Christie at all times and he would LOVE it.
Thank you for this! As a fellow Tall Girl, I learned long ago to stop googling “celebrity-crush-du-jour + height.”
If this is going to be our last “If X Were Your Y” (and what a terrible thought that is), at least we’re going out on top.
(on top of Oscar Isaac amirite okay I’ll show myself out)
It’s possible to adapt this essay into a rom-com, right? Because the attention to detail in character, place, voice, etc., is a tear-jerker, heart-cockle warming panty soaker, y’all.
Thank you for this! As a fellow Tall Girl, I learned long ago to stop googling "celebrity-crush-du-jour + height."
I wasn’t ready for this, and it’s so like The Toast (hearth and home/predictor of Perfect Moments to Enable Self-Actualization) to publish this right before… anyway. It’s ridiculous how ass over teakettle infatuated I am with this man so thank you for this! I am also very happy to note that I could be like this in a relationship and could therefore be someone’s Oscar Isaac AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wasn't ready for this, and it's so like The Toast (hearth and home/predictor of Perfect Moments to Enable Self-Actualization) to publish this right before… anyway. It's ridiculous how ass over teakettle infatuated I am with this man so thank you for this! I am also very happy to note that I could be like this in a relationship and could therefore be someone's Oscar Isaac AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I always love these but this was my favourite. Exactly the kind of guy I’d marry. My eyebrows are wonderful too. How did you know? X
wow i wasn’t ready for this at all