You have started a bloody multi-generational feud by stealing cheese.
You have gone away to Constantinople and left your dashing blond brother to manage all your property. You are confident nothing can go wrong.
Everyone around you is named Thorolf, except for Thorstein Cod-Biter, who lives over in the next valley. Many say he is part-troll. But they have learnt not to say it to his face.
The current feud in which you are embroiled seems likely to be resolved by prodding a blindfolded horse off a cliff with poles. This horse is known for its malice.
You have a very muted reaction to losing your limbs.
As the house burns down around you, your elderly father reflects that fostering his enemy’s son was probably a mistake.
Your survival hinges on the arrangement of poorly-maintained paths through a remote swamp. You will not survive.
Your limp has provided you with the opportunity to become an expert in the convoluted Icelandic legal system. Small, seemingly insignificant comments allow you to manipulate justice for years after your untimely death.
You have enraged a family of Sami wizards, who like to stand on your roof and sing all night.
An elderly woman, known for her second-sight, gives you specific instructions to avoid being murdered. You ignore her.
You think a summer of raiding and mercenary warfare will curb the violent tendencies of your young relative.
Someone has accused you of being an arse-wizard and for this they will pay.
Your enemy has made a miniature wood-carving of you being sodomized and nobody asks him why.
You are a distant ancestor of Snorri Sturluson.
Your main concerns about Christianity are the bans on infant exposure and the ritualised eating of horseflesh.
You went to bed with Queen Gunnhildr and she has cursed you with a penis so large it cannot be used.
Your mother is a kidnapped Irish princess, but didn’t think to mention this for years.
At the age of three, you were already composing skaldic verse and outdrinking grown men. Your grandparents are very proud of you.
Everyone you have ever loved, been related to, or looked at flirtatiously during the summer parliament has died in a feud. You are raising your sons to continue the feud.
Most of your problems can be explained with the phrase ‘cold are the counsels of women.’
You once exiled someone from Norway using a severed horse head on a stick.
Greenland is horrible, but you have persuaded people to move there with false advertising.
You may have died in an unusually horrible manner, but at least this rocky outcrop is named after you.
If you can compose a sufficiently good poem praising the king, you’re off the hook for killing his infant son.
You and your cousins once beat a man to death over a piece of driftwood.
Everyone agrees you have the eyes of a thief.
No man in Iceland was your equal, so you became a zombie-killing nun instead.
*
(image via)
The current feud in which you are embroiled seems likely to be resolved by prodding a blindfolded horse off a cliff with poles. This horse is known for its malice.
If “horse” is a euphemism for “difficult co-worker” this would be 100% accurate for me right now.
Leonora you are a legend.
At the age of three, you were already composing skaldic verse and outdrinking grown men. Your grandparents are very proud of you.
Damn straight they are.
An elderly woman, known for her second-sight, gives you specific instructions to avoid being murdered. You ignore her.
This is absolutely brilliant.
No man in Iceland was your equal, so you became a zombie-killing nun instead.
That’s the plan.
I wish to know more of this zombie killing nun
I want it to be a new show on FX.
I’m glad that my life goals have a long history.
#lifegoals
or #wifegoals…
Is this not the career path of most women?
I actually recognise which sagas some of these refer to! I feel very proud.
Me too, some of them. I actually went to Iceland because I wanted to see where the saga of the people of Laxardale too place. Yes, I saw the grave of Gudrun, Odin’s secret stone, and the troll road. It was fab.
At the age of three, you were already composing skaldic verse and outdrinking grown men. Your grandparents are very proud of you.
Oh, Egill Skallagrímsson. So many people proudly told me how they were related to him when I lived in Iceland.
Probably true, considering the genetic nondiversity of Icelanders. They have an app so they can check consanguinity before hooking up.
From the ‘Life’ section of his Wikipedia page:
“The following is based on the Icelandic saga “Egil’s saga”; like many sagas, it can be unreliable as a source of historical fact.”
I live my life by the motto “all sagas are true.”
I had a student from Iceland who used to respond to any mention of someone Icelandic with, “Oh, that’s my cousin.” It got to a point where I asked him if he just said that on spec with the theory that anyone Icelandic was his cousin in some capacity and he grumblingly conceded. I suspect he’s not the only one who does that.
It’s not a theory per se, we are basically all fourth/fifth/sixth cousins (except for recent immigrants and their children), but at that point you’re going back to the 1700’s. Adjusting the truth when speaking to foreigners is a time-honoured tradition of my people, however.
“You have started a bloody multi-generational feud by stealing cheese.”
But really is there another possible outcome to cheese-stealing?
There was a thing on tumblr a while ago about cheese having strange powers over white people and like really its in our genes we cannot help it
It must be the same gene that controls our ability to digest lactose.
It’s the price we pay for our cheese-related powers. We may be able to consume and digest the cheese, but in return, it wields terrible power over us.
Not in my house.
A cyclops chases you, if you’re Odysseus.
A+ reference to cheese-stealing.
But doesn’t Polyphemus ask his daddy to curse Odysseus, after the whole blinding incident, thus leaving us with a multi-generational feud?
NO. IF YOU TOUCH MY CHEESE YOU ARE DEAD, YOU HEAR ME, DEAD!!!
I did not think it was possible to be more excited about next week’s Iceland trip. Was mistaken.
I highly recommend visiting the Saga Museum in Reykjavik. It’s a gorier and more obscure Madame Tussaud’s. The Ghost Center in Stokkseyri and the Witchcraft museum in Hólmavík are also surprisingly excellent!
I need to be there Right. Now.
Why have you filled me with such longing when I am stuck here indefinitely??
Thankyou, Saga museum is already on the list as it was fab last time (the friend I am going with hasn’t been before) – the other two look great but are they get-toable without a car? I will investigate.
Definitely not get-toable without a car (ghost museum is in the south, and the witchcraft museum is in the far northwest), but driving is seriously half the fun of that crazy country. Drive far enough (past Vik) and it turns into Mordor.
Have a great trip!
Thankyou! I think next trip out there will have to be for a bit longer and plan to travel. We are hoping for aurora which is why it’s this time of year but I wouldn’t be happy driving in snow and ice (being from the south UK where an inch of snow paralyses everything) so I might look at a summer trip.
I want to go to Iceland SO BAD, so I am excited for you!
Check out the penis museum! It’s the only one of its kind.
So excited for you! It’s EVEN MORE AMAZING THAN YOU DREAM IT WILL BE.
I went in 2004 and have been wanting to go back since! It is STILL even more amazing than I can dream, even knowing how amazing it is.
So much mythology could have been avoided if people would just LISTEN to the second-sighted old women
Preach.
I will be one of those women in the future, and I am already annoyed at all the people who will not be listening.
the struggle is REAL…especially if you add “mysteriously well-informed wildlife”
I feel like the act of respect for the advice of old women is one of those ways that the patriarchy really bites us all in the ass, like, vis-a-vis curses.
I…think I’ve read all of these. I definitely recognize the Irish princess.
Added: When your husband is in a fight for his life and asks you to do him a solid? THAT’S the time to remember when he was a total asshole to you and give him a sick burn that will last for the rest of his (extremely shortened) life.
ha ha sick BURN eh i see what you did there
These … these are my people.
If a raven who is Definitely Not One of the Gods tells you not to worry, it’s Definitely Not One of the Gods and your wife is Definitely Not pregnant with the demonic offspring of the gods, but then later it turns out that she totally is and it totally was, damn everything.
If an old man who is Totally Not Odin shows up and asks you to do a lot of random bullshit do it, give him what he wants, it’s Odin, he’s not very good at disguises
It bothers me that Odin and Henry VIII have that in common. I want Odin to be so much better than Henry VIII. Now that I have said that, all the commonalities are really upsetting!!
especially if you’re facing him across a fjord…this will lead him to mention all your girlfriends he’s hooked up with.
It’s not his fault, everybody’s just humored him for so long that he’s forgotten how to be stealthy.
“Cold are the counsels of women.”
You want realistic advice, turn to the ladies. Dudes are good for nothing but pie in the sky, amirite?
Every woman you know is named Thorgerd, without exception.
See? THANK YOU. I keep telling everyone we’re in a Viking saga, but they’re all just like, “No, New York’s always been this way; you should’ve seen it in the 70’s.”
I’ve definitely accused more than a few people of being arse-wizards. #Danishheritage
I went to Iceland in September and have been meaning to actually read the Sagas since, however all I’ve done is read Guy Gavriel Kay’s The Last Light Of The Sun.
If you’re interested in reading the Icelandic sagas, there’s a fantastic single-volume edition from Penguin called The Sagas of Icelanders. It sadly doesn’t include Burnt Njal, but as that’s the longest of all the Icelandic sagas, that one is published in its own edition. I bought it on a whim one day after ditching a college class to go to Barnes & Noble because I was feeling low and wanted something great to read to lift my spirits. I couldn’t have chosen a better book for the purpose. The introductory material is worth the price alone.
You may want to get the ebook edition, though, because the physical book is massive and hard on the wrists if you’re reading near the beginning or end of the book. Only in the middle is the weight distributed evenly enough to be pain-free.
The size of the book is actually a form of trial by strength, and resorting to the e-book edition is simply a failure of will.
That makes me feel better about having finished the entire physical text without ordering the ebook. It still occupies a place of honor on my bookshelf, so maybe I’ll pass on the ebook when I come to reread it.
Added to my Goodreads Want To Read list which is only 65 books long right now.
The Story of the Volsungs, another Icelandic saga, is also pretty good (and it features many major women characters, so isn’t quite as much of a dudefest as some other sagas). It contains one of my favorite epic understatements: “Grim art thou in that thou hast murdered thy sons, and given me their flesh to eat, and little space passes betwixt ill deed of thine and ill deed.”
“Man, that was super uncool. Bad form.”
Your dinner parties are disrupted by a seal head ghost
I hate it when that happens.
Your dinner party ghosts enjoy stealing your spoons when you’re not looking.
The “main concerns about Christianity” made me hoot right out loud! Ahhh, memories of Medieval Literature class, when all was new…
But hey… they’ll give you this nice new white shirt, so what the heck, let’s do it. Maybe next year when the priest comes back through on his rounds we can get baptized again, and get another one!
“You think a summer of raiding and mercenary warfare will curb the violent tendencies of your young relative.” I like how almost every human culture thinks this will work. (It never does.)
“You went to bed with Queen Gunnhildr and she has cursed you with a penis so large it cannot be used. ”
IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE YOU LIED ABOUT HAVING A GIRL BACK HOME, OKAY, GEEZ, GUNNHILDR ISN’T A *MONSTER*.
“Cold are the counsels of women.” = “Girls are no fun.”
Everyone needs to read Saga: A Novel of Medieval Iceland immediately.
You have started a bloody multi-generational feud by stealing cheese.
This would have totally made the book Who Moved My Cheese? a million times better.
You have a very muted reaction to losing your limbs.
“It’s only a flesh wound.”
What I really love about this article is catching the majority of the references. Perhaps I read too much medieval literature, but then again perhaps no amount is too much.
My favorite episode in the Icelandic sagas was when Guðrún Ósvífursdóttir from the Laxdaela saga made a certain style of shirt for her first husband and then used that as pretext for divorcing him on the basis that he wore women’s clothes. Exploiting heteronormativity with plunging necklines FTW.
As I was reading this, all I could picture in my brain-theater were those weird milk-stealing hairball-rib-bone-dudes that sing “Wonderwall.” Acting out every. single. scenario.
My brain is a very, very loud place.
I have definitely met some horses known for their malice. One bit me in the stomach when I was a kid.
I am the Lappish wizard who has stolen all your cheese.
Curse me with lactose intolerance, and feel my wrath.
You’ve got one nickname, and it refers to your missing legs, being lame, being a snake, being limber, and/or being impotent– but you still have such high levels of awesome, your CORPSE holds off invaders for nigh two centuries.
I see you have met my family…..
Before I start typing up joke answers, I wanted to note that the word “Lapp” is a racial slur in at least one Nordic language (Swedish). Many Sami people dislike it very much, and it’s definitely not considered correct or polite here. I don’t know if it’s different in other languages though. But “Lappish wizards” probably refers to the Sami religion. Christian Scandinavians banned it, colonised Sami land and generally tried to destroy their culture. They’re still fighting to get their land back and to revive their language, history and traditions.
Thank you. I’ve been waiting for the New York Times crossword to stop throwing that word around like it’s fine… it’s gonna take a while.
Email them and say so! I think most English-speakers simply aren’t aware that it’s not the real name of the people. Like how some people believe that Romas are literally called “gypsies”, without being aware that it’s a slur.
Hi guys, i have read your comments and you’re all fabulous. Thank you for getting it and for laughing along with me. May you all be rich in mead and cheese.
Also @neuromanticism, good point about the Sami. I’m sorry, it’s a habit from using old translations as cribs, but not an acceptable one. They really weren’t treated well for much of history.
I’m not Sami, so you don’t have to apologise to me (though I have friends and family members with Sami heritage). They still aren’t treated very well actually! It’s not a historic problem, it’s ongoing. Racial scientists measured their skulls into the 30’s, schools discriminated against them and banned their language, and there are lots of infected disputes about land use in the north.
All absolutely true and terrible. I remember watching the Sami video testimonies in the National Museum in Stockholm and being naively outraged that people could treat other people like this. I hope things get better for them sooner rather than later.
Well, one way us non-Sami people can behave better would be to stop using racial slurs. Since you say that the use of “Lapp” is an unacceptable habit, is there a reason for not changing it in the text? Are you trying to say something that can’t be said with the use of an acceptable word?
The only time I ever hear anyone use “Lapp” is when they’re mentioning specific terms and titles that used to exist back when ethnic Swedes openly and systematically oppressed the Sami, such as “lappfogde” (the non-Sami overseer of a Sami area). You NEVER EVER say it about a person! It’s just not acceptable, at all.
I also don’t want The Toast to implicitly teach English speakers that it’s a neutral old-timey word. It’s old-timey all right, but absolutely not appropriate. Accidentally using racial slurs is one of the most embarrassing social faux pas I can think of. Save future Toastie tourists the pain.
If authors are unable to make edits after publication, I’m sure the Toast staff can update the text.
You make a good point, I have just emailed Nikki and asked her to change the text to ‘Sami wizards’. Thank you for calling me out on that.
More ways to tell you’re in a Viking saga:
There are only about three possible first names in the world. You tell your friends and family apart by official, unflattering nicknames.
There are only two possible reactions: dry wit, or homicide.
The most exciting way to begin a story is to recite at least ten generations of genealogy for everyone involved.
Conflicts are resolved by duel, blood feud or waiting until next year for court. Any brute can fight, but arguing your own case and winning the legal dispute on a technicality is the very height of sophistication.
Honour is important. Setting fire to your enemy’s house while his entire family is asleep inside is very honourable, provided that you don’t try to hide that you’re doing it. For extra honour, allow him to fight back and admire his courage after you murder him in the light of his burning home.
You never expect anything from anyone except murder. Everything is very normal.
A huge, redheaded, muscular stranger shows up at your house and slaughters his goat for dinner. He tells you not to break the goat’s bones to suck out the marrow. You do it anyway. We’re all going to die some day.
I really do love the combination of “admire our hardcore frontier grit and spirit, here on this desolate patch of rocks” and “my knowledge of legal intricacies and parliamentary procedure is superior to yours, Thorgrim, which is why you suck.”
The vikings were a learned people. Dying in battle is all very well, but if you can’t compose a complicated and convoluted poem while holding in your guts it’s just not worth doing.
Any barbarian can die a gruesome death. A truly noble warrior needs to be able to expire with panache, preferably atop a pile of enemy dead.
Your name literally means “peace-weaver.” In order to resolve a feud, you marry a man who is your sworn enemy. You live with him and bear children and everything seems to be going smoothly. Then one night you murder everyone who shares his blood, including your own children, thus definitively ending the feud.
The Aristocrats!
At some point, a woman whom you know (may be related to you, may be your lover) will turn to you and say, “I don’t know when you’re going to do something to remove the shame of “x” event” roundly maintaining that it dishonours her thus reflecting shame on you. After much nagging, you go out and kill someone, setting off a multi-generational feud. Chances are you are more or less immediately outlawed too.
This post pleases me but I am too Nordic to be effusive.
If arse-wizard isn’t a class archetype in Pathfinder, it should be.
I’ll just leave this here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lB4SXplAfU
I'd read this version.
Also, has anyone done Tolkien in contemporary English?
This kind of rendering of other languages into high-faluting medieval-style language grates on me after a while. Possibly because of reading mid-century renderings of Maori discourse in such a style in English, and it's just WRONG.
(I suppose the Germanic languages might more naturally default to such a style if you're trying to sound epic.)
You are a great man and a hero for the ages. Your main virtue seems to be a knack for staking more or less dubious claims on all the shit you want, picking fights on a whim, and living long enough to enjoy it all by hiding behind your powerful friends.
I mean, there's this. Not sure if that meets your needs.
Definitely agree. I think translators have been moving away from that, it but it was definitely A Thing with older translations, whether or not it really fit the place or time period.
Hah! Indeed. 🙂
Not everyone can agree that you are not a shape-shifter.
These are hilarious 😀
And the ones with the gods are just as good, like the story where Thor’s hammer is stolen so he dresses up as a bride and Loki as his maidservant so they can steal it back. They should put THAT into Marvel.
Right?! And you gotta love that a muscle-bound god names his precious little hammer and seems lost without his, um, tool. Not trying to imply anything. Really.