"What A Successful Harvest This Was, Let's Not Rape Anybody"

"The Sailor Who Died Of Old Age (Not Because Of A Weird Old-Age Curse Either, He Really Lived To A Naturally Old Age)"

"The Summer Nobody Died"

"This Lighthouse Isn't Haunted"

"The Chimney That Wasn't Stuffed With The Bodies Of Murdered Women"

It is impossible for any character to make it through an entire Decemberists song without drowning; heaven help us if anyone ever relates the tale of Atlantis to Colin Meloy, who will immediately begin to shake and bleed and spew out song lyrics about sailors walled up in catacombs and ancient queens' abortions if he ever learns that there is an entire drowned city in the annals of folklore. If someone is not drowning, they are…