Friendship On The Agenda -The Toast

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From USA Today:

The most interesting lunch in the political world took place Monday at the White House, though officials said the chat between President Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton was more personal than professional.

The president and his former secretary of state “have developed not just a strong working relationship, but also a genuine friendship,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest.

“So,” he added, “it’s largely friendship that’s on the agenda for the lunch today.”

Obama invited the former rival-turned-top-aide to a private lunch that took place on an outside patio near the Oval Office.

It had taken him a few tries to pick up the phone. “Call her,” Michelle had said patiently. “You never talk anymore.” He shrugged. Twisted his mouth wryly.

“I had a reason to talk to her before. We were working on a project together. It’ll sound stupid if I just call her to hang out.”

Michelle put a hand on his shoulder. “She is your friend, you know. People like you.”

He ducked. “You have to say that.”

“I get to say that. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. Remember that time she told the president of Latvia she thought you were smart and cool? And how usually with presidents, they’re either smart or cool, but not both?”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t have to say that. She said it because she’s your friend.”

“Yeah.”

“So are you going to call her?”

“What if she doesn’t want to hang out with me?”

“She’s not going to say that.”

“I never heard from Janet Napolitano after she left. Not once. Not even on my birthday. And I gave those tins of popcorn, the ones with the three different flavors, you know, the ones with cheese and caramel and butter all in the different compartments, to everyone. And she didn’t say anything.”

“Hillary isn’t Janet.”

“What if she’s busy?”

Michelle’s hand found his own. “Barack.” She pressed the phone into his nerveless fingers.

He dialed.


It was only 10:40. Much too early to be getting ready for lunch. “Hil, it’s a ten-minute drive,” Bill had drawled patiently over coffee that morning. “Don’t overthink this.”

“I’m not overthinking this.”

Bill raised an eyebrow over the Post. “How many pantsuits have you tried on so far?”

She looked away. “It’s a Monday. I always like to try on each of my pantsuits on Monday. Helps set the tone for the week.”

He smiled at her, and the smile was both gentle and arch, and she hated it. “Bill. This is serious.”

“I’m being serious. Very serious. See how serious I look?” He drew his features into such a clownish exaggeration of sorrow that she couldn’t help but laugh.

“I mean it. I don’t–I don’t have a lot of friends.”

“You have plenty of friends.”

“I have colleagues. I have kids who make Tumblrs about me. I have well-wishers. That’s not the same.”

“You have me.”

“I know I have you.”

“And you’d better keep me, too.”

“Bill, will you drive me there?” He set down the paper. “I know it’s stupid. And I know you’re supposed to read Marcus Aurelius to the Beckham kids this afternoon, but it would mean a lot to me.”

Bill reached across the table and squeezed her hand. His fingers froze on her wrist. His eyes went soft and tender. “You’re still wearing the friendship bracelet he made you after the inauguration?”

Hillary tilted her chin up, counting the seconds until the tears receded. Just a few seconds. Shook her head. All better. “I just want him to know that I still remember.”

Bill smiled and went back to the paper. After a few minutes of silence, he set it down and looked at her. “Hillary,” he said, “do you want me to drive you over there now?”

“Would you?”

He smiled again. “I’ll wait for you in the car.”


Outdoors was a stupid place for lunch. Kids eat lunch outdoors. She’s going to think I wanted to have a stupid Sound of Music-style stupid kids stupid outdoor picnic, Barack thought as he crossed the lawn. He spied a familiar pantsuit-clad figure by the South Gate. I just want one friend. That’s not so much to ask, is it?

“Hillary,” he heard himself saying eagerly, “I’m so glad you came.” He reached out to shake hands, then stopped.

The bracelet she wore on her wrist matched his own.

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OH MY FUCKING GOD ALL OF THIS.

The most perfect depiction of Bill Clinton in history.
BFFL!!
ahhhhhh why is this so PERFECT they're ADORABLE
MALLORY STOP MAKING ME TEAR UP FOR INEXPLICABLE REASONS.
4 replies · active 609 weeks ago
I KNOW, why did this make me cryyyyyyy
SERIOUSLY, that was unexpected
OMG ME TOO, I MEAN I LAUGHED, BUT THEN OOPS MY EYES MIGHT HAVE BURNED WITH UNSHED FEELINGS DROPS
How did this provoke such mingled yet intense feelings of joy and sadness?! Witchcraft. Beautiful, fanfiction-y witchcraft.
New tag: PANTSUIT MONDAY
FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS!
Step On It, Velma!'s avatar

Step On It, Velma! · 609 weeks ago

I'm guessing it's probably my own issues that has me blubbering at my desk right now, but this was really nice.
Mallory, you are insane and delightful and a national treasure. I love this so hard.
MALLORY you are bringing all the LOLs to the yard today!
Maybe my favorite thing on The Toast ever, except for all those other things that I also love, but seriously I loved this.
Hahahahah! I love you Mallory Ortberg. Never stop writing.
Also, all the writing on The Toast this week. So good. How did you get so many talented people in one place?
2 replies · active 609 weeks ago
Also, the only way this place could get better was if you'd get Edith Zimmerman to write for you.
FlufferNutter's avatar

FlufferNutter · 609 weeks ago

She should interview a celebrity! "help me california"
This is the best thing in the whole damn world. Sniff.
2 replies · active 608 weeks ago
I'm reading this so late, obviously (vacation!), but I TOTALLY thought of you. <3
THAT LAST LINE!
The popcorn, the pantsuits, the friendship bracelets - this couldn't have been more perfect if you tried.
DID YOU JUST TRICK ALL OF US INTO READING OBAMA/HILLARY FRIENDFIC
2 replies · active 609 weeks ago
"trick"? I couldn't click on it fast enough.
Nobody does political fanfic better than you, Mallory.
FUCK ME THIS IS UTTER PERFECTION.
czargasm's avatar

czargasm · 609 weeks ago

CRYING IN MY OFFICE WHILE A CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFIN CRUMBLES AROUND ME. Oh for a friendship so true.
...Hillary doesn't consider the people who run dedicated tumblrs to be her friends?

(throws self away)
I don't know what I just read but it was beautiful
I NEED THIS TO BE REAL.
1) I love this, deeply and passionately. I want to make a friendship bracelet for this post and these comments.

2) I feel like I have to stand up for Janet N., because we're both from Arizona and maybe sometimes we feel like people are just putting up with us and they don't like-us like us, you know? Like, maybe because we just put our heads down and get the stupid work done and don't really ask for help, other people think that maybe we aren't friendly, but we're just kind of shy and don't want to be an imposition or a pity invitation? And that maybe we're afraid that because we took a job in Berkeley that maybe Barack thinks we've gotten all snobby and weird and we're maybe worried that maybe we *have* gotten snobby and weird?

I mean, I don't know, I didn't take a California job, I'm just guessing.
This is the best site ever. The end.
You made me laugh on a bad day
Okay but 4real she kept a picture of the Obama family that he gave her as a gift in her office all through the campaign, so I choose to believe this is basically canon. Relatedly, I think it's time for me to re-read Game Change and go into full-on Tumblrina "their little faces" conniptions again.
2 replies · active 609 weeks ago
This is THE MOST ADORABLE THING.
Please, please let this be the honest truth. Because it is the best truth.
This beats my self-insert Hillary 2016 twitter fic BY FAR.
becky f.'s avatar

becky f. · 459 weeks ago

I missed this when it was new and saw it from the best-of list. Oh my goodness, it is awesome. And so timely to be reading after his endorsement of Hillary (I can now pretend he was wearing his friendship bracelet at the time of the announcement, right? Right).
!!!!!!!! My heart
This is even better now.
SemperLegens's avatar

SemperLegens · 456 weeks ago

Oh my god I just read this for the first time and I just.......I can't even. This is the best, and she is the best, and you are ALL the best, and I'm crying now.

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