It seemed to me that as I cast my mind over the Victorian- and Regency-era adventure novels of my youth, the delicate male protagonists spent almost as much time drifting into unconsciousness as they did naming new species or describing what remained of their provisions. We may never know why men used to faint so often in novels, but we can at least count how many times it happened. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to go back and record how often the heroes of my favorite science-fiction and adventure books pass out. The winner shall be awarded the Fainter’s Crown. Previously: Journey to the Center of the Earth.

1. “Then all hands were called to the pump. At that word, my heart, as I thought, died within me: and I fell backwards upon the side of my bed where I sat, into the cabin.”

2. “In a word, I was so surprised that I fell down in a swoon.”

3. “The last time of these two had well-nigh been fatal to me, for the sea having hurried me along as before, landed me, or rather dashed me, against a piece of rock, and that with such force, that it left me senseless, and indeed helpless, as to my own deliverance.”

4. “I drank the rum in which I had steeped the tobacco, which was so strong and rank of the tobacco that I could scarcely get it down; immediately upon this I went to bed. I found presently it flew up into my head violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked no more till, by the sun, it must necessarily be near three o’clock in the afternoon the next day-nay, to this hour I am partly of opinion that I slept all the next day and night, and till almost three the day after; for otherwise I know not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning in the days of the week.”

5. “I turned away my face from the horrid spectacle; my stomach grew sick, and I was just at the point of fainting, when nature discharged the disorder from my stomach; and having vomited with uncommon violence, I was a little relieved, but could not bear to stay in the place a moment; so I got up the hill again with all the speed I could, and walked on towards my own habitation.”

6. “When this had agitated my thoughts for two hours or more, with such violence that it set my very blood into a ferment, and my pulse beat as if I had been in a fever, merely with the extraordinary fervour of my mind about it, Nature-as if I had been fatigued and exhausted with the very thoughts of it-threw me into a senseless sleep.”

7. “It is impossible to express the flutterings of my very heart when I found all my wealth about me; for as the Brazil ships come all in fleets, the same ships which brought my letters brought my goods: and the effects were safe in the river before the letters came to my hand. In a word, I turned pale, and grew sick; and, had not the old man run and fetched me a cordial, I believe the sudden surprise of joy had overset nature, and I had died upon the spot.”

Number of confirmed fainting spells: 6

Number of possible fainting spells: 1

A slightly disappointing showing compared to our last entry. I first read Robinson Crusoe as a kid, and I remember flinging my copy down in disgust and telling my mother, “He keeps fainting whenever something bad happens,” which in light of current information seems uncharitable. Perhaps it was The Swiss Family Robinson I’m thinking of. Only time will tell.