Texts From Lord Byron

by Mallory Ortberg · November 7, 2013

byronPrevious entries in the series can be found here. Most recently: Texts From Emma.

uuuuuuugghhhh my life
what is it?
what’s wrong?
uuuuuuuugh
is there something specific that’s the matter?
or anything I can do to help?
uuuugh
my liiiiife
do you want me to come over?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughghghghhhhh

 

oh my god
what
this guy
this publisher guy
is asking me about my favorite canto in Child Harolde
that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter
his half-sister or his cousins
it’s literally impossible

 

hey
do you think we could just stay in tonight maybe
i’m so wiped out from last night
we could just stay in
get in our jammies and not see anyone
maybe build a fire
oh wow
really?
hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
i’m coming over in five minutes
oh
btw
do you have that cream from before
the anti chafing cream
we’re going to need a lot of it
to prevent chafing
oh okay
choirboys chafe easy imho

 

uuuuuuuughhh
nothing’s any good
what’s the matter
EVERYTHING
do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain
i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain
of course i want to have sex with the rain
how can you even say that
i feel like you don’t even know me
maybe
you should focus
on all the things that you can have sex with
yeah
maybe
i just want to live
right
i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy
right yeah
and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t
uuuuuuuughhhh
i should just go die in Greece
what?
nothing

 

I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it
okay
Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,
Unknown to Glory, but upheld by Birth,
The sculptor’s art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below.
When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen,
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his Master’s own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonoured falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the Soul he held on earth –
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME
no sorry
fuck
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

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Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg

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52 Comments

  1. anninyn +62

    I feel like this Byron may have been one of my more regrettable encounters when I was 17.

    I am pretty sure I got texts like this from one of them.

    1. Es_Petal +35

      I was just about to ask whether Mallory had found a load of texts from my ex… (Which I keep for comedy and blackmail purposes.)

  2. icebergmama +70

    hahaha i’m kidding
    there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
    i’m coming over in five minutes

    Oh Byron, you so crazy.

    2. zizzivivizz +11

      I have this same calendar! But it’s in my kitchen because then I can flip through it and giggle day and night. I mean, when I’m not busy with my packed packed packed social life.

  5. Spinozagal +16

    This brings back memories of one summer spent memorizing Childe Harold with my BFF. Boy can Byron write. Too bad he was such a miserable human.
    “sex chafing” tag how apropos.

    3. elesmi +23

      I’M WITH YOU! I’ve been desperately squashing bugs all morning and it’s not even noon yet. Texts from the father of the AMAZING Ada Lovelace was just what I needed.

    5. scopypdx +27

      Also debugging this morning. Unity!
      I’ve always said my son is very lucky I didn’t go on and name him Ada anyway.

    7. Spinozagal +17

      There was a movie made about Ada starring Tilda Swinton some years back. The movie wasn’t great but it’s Tilda Swinton as Ada Lovelace and I had dreams about them for 3 nights after, so that kind of made up for it.
      Tilda & Ada forever!!!!!!!!

        1. Spinozagal +6

          The movie is called Conceiving Ada. It’s set up as a kind of thriller. The director tries to make a statement about the barriers women face in the field of science but it gets bogged down by the technical stuff. However it’s definitely worth checking out for Tilda, as lovely and vibrant as her Derek Jarman days.

  8. thejcar +55

    that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter
    his half-sister or his cousins
    it’s literally impossible

    AHAHAHA, laughing forever.

  11. causedbycomma +7

    “It’s for sure SOME” OH HELLS YEAH. I don’t know anyone like this now, but yeah, I made out with that guy in highschool too… Of course he did not have kids then (I HOPE OH GOD), but I assume by now he’s in that situation…

    1. mbculver +12

      I feel like that would be tip #387 in Lord Byron’s Guide to Better Sex, coming from Random House in Fall 2014.

      1. Kitty +5

        Please please pretty please make it so. I need to know exactly how one should go about the logistics of a threesome with the moon and jealousy.

  13. Katherine +39

    Oh god. This is amazing. Finally I have a reason to write this: Actual* Texts From Byron to His Sister

    Byron: so uh yeah I totally hit that
    Augusta: what.
    Byron: don’t scold me
    Augusta: …
    Byron: but she threw herself at me! I tried but I couldn’t help it! I had no choice! what was I supposed to do??? WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMES PRANCING TO YOU AT ALL HOURS.
    Augusta: …
    Byron: whatever that’s all there is to know, it’s over

    Byron: oh p.s. i forgot to tell you there’s gonna be a baby byron now, I kind of knocked that chick up, can you raise the kid
    Augusta: why are you texting me this
    Byron: what?
    Augusta: I just feel like maybe this is too heavy for a P.S.???
    Byron: whatever
    Augusta: …
    Byron: yeah so she’s coming to england, don’t tell mary, k thanks bye

    * in the sense that all of these are real letters that went down more or less EXACTLY LIKE THIS and I’m not even touching the incestual stuff

  14. Leigh +24

    I just snorted out loud at my desk. The poem had me near tears thinking of my sweet dogs and then
    “hey totally unrelated
    do you remember how many children i have?”

    *snort*

    2. rkfire +19

      So, do you think he would’ve been down with texting pictures of his penis or would that have been too crass and he would’ve stuck to just describing it in detail over text?

        1. katherine +19

          he would have written it into something as a character. a Byronic hero, you might say. which also would have happened to be a thinly veiled standin for his junk.

  16. youmisheardme +40

    do you remember how many children i have?
    i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
    and i have nooooo idea haha
    like
    it’s for sure SOME

    I AM LITERALLY FIGURATIVELY DYING. poor ada lovelace.

  18. nicole_fcd +12

    so yeah this is epic

    also I am imagining Shelley as the other half of the conversation here. not that he’d be much better at keeping track of how many kids Byron had, but… well he’d at least reply to the texts.

    gosh I love the Romantics….

  20. Hobbbes +10

    Listen, I told my sister not one month ago that I would have been in a Lord Byron fandom in high school, had that been a thing. The brooding—it’s irresistible. Well. Was.

  21. lili +21

    I’m absolutely certain that modern lord byron would wear those chino shorts with little animals embroidered all over them in the summer, I have no idea why I feel so strongly about this, BUT I DO

  22. Bittersweet

    I feel like that would be tip #387 in Lord Byron's Guide to Better Sex, coming from Random House in Fall 2014.

  23. Dorothy Parker +10

    The Lives and Times of John Keats,

    Percy Bysshe Shelley, and

    George Gordon Noel, Lord Byron

    Byron and Shelley and Keats

    Were a trio of Lyrical treats.

    The forehead of Shelley was cluttered with curls,

    And Keats never was a descendant of earls,

    And Byron walked out with a number of girls,

    But it didn’t impair the poetical feats

    Of Byron and Shelley,

    Of Byron and Shelley,

    Of Byron and Shelley and Keats.