Almost Every Character on Bob’s Burgers Ranked By D&D’s Moral Alignment

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.53.57 AMLawful Good: A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished.

While strict in their prosecution of law and order, characters of lawful good alignment follow these precepts to improve the common weal. Certain freedoms must, of course, be sacrificed in order to bring order; but truth is of highest value, and life and beauty of great importance. The benefits of this society are to be brought to all. Creatures of lawful good alignment view the cosmos with varying degrees of lawfulness or desire for good. The are convinced that order and law are absolutely necessary to assure good, and that good is best defined as whatever brings the most benefit to the greater number of decent, thinking creatures and the least woe to the rest.

Likely Lawful Goods on Bob’s BurgersBob Belcher.

Representative Quotes: “Listen, you’re my children and I love you but you’re all terrible at what you do here and I feel like I should tell you, I’d fire all of you if I could.”

“I can’t go because I have to take care of the restaurant. You don’t abandon the restaurant for some fancy dancing.”

“No offense, fellas, but I use fresh ingredients. I should be all right if the Moody Foodie comes.”

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.54.13 AMNeutral Good: A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them.

Creatures of neutral good alignment believe that there must be some regulation in combination with freedoms if the best is to be brought to the world–the most beneficial conditions for living things in general and intelligent creatures in particular. Creatures of this alignments see the cosmos as a place where law and chaos are merely tools to use in bringing life, happiness, and prosperity to all deserving creatures. Order is not good unless it brings this to all; neither is randomness and total freedom desirable if it does not bring such good.

Likely Neutral Goods on Bob’s Burgers: Linda Belcher, Gloria, Mort.

Representative Quotes: “That bathroom is filthy. Who was the last one in there? You! Go back there and wipe the seat!”

Well, I may have slipped a penis pill in your casserole. Surprise! Sometimes you want to ride the rollercoaster one more time and you don’t want to wait in line.”

“I don’t feel comfortable with you going out trick or treating with scissors.”

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.44.36 AMChaotic Good: A chaotic good character acts as his conscience directs him with little regard for what others expect of him. He makes his own way, but he’s kind and benevolent. He believes in goodness and right but has little use for laws and regulations. He hates it when people try to intimidate others and tell them what to do. He follows his own moral compass, which, although good, may not agree with that of society.

These characters are basically good, but tend to be selfish and maybe a bit greedy. They tend to hold personal freedom and welfare above anything else. The chaotic good dislikes confining laws, self-discipline, and they distrust authority.

Likely Chaotic Goods on Bob’s Burgers: Kelly Mathis, Tina Belcher.

Representative Quotes: “One time, to get out of a Spanish test, Kelly Mathis forced herself to throw up. Then another time, to get out of a math test, she forced herself to get her period.”

Lawful Neutral: A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs her. Order and organization are paramount to her. She may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or she may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government.

Likely Lawful Neutrals on Bob’s Burgers: The Moody Foodie.

Representative Quotes: “It’s a Taser. It’s supposed to incapacitate you.”

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.19.58 AMTrue Neutral: A neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. She doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil-after all, she would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, she’s not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way.

Some neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run.

Likely True Neutrals on Bob’s BurgersGayle, the Pesto twins, Gene Belcher, Teddy.

Representative quotes: “I heard she ate her lipstick once because she wanted to feel ‘red inside.’”

“I gave [the mask] back to Peter Pescadero. I promised I’d pop-and-lock him into a better life, and I didn’t deliver.”

“No one blackmails our sister but us!”

“I used to beat up kids like Gene in school. Not that I was a bully or anything. It’s just that kids like Gene, they get beat up, you know.”

“It’d be the honor system, Teddy. You know, if you find yourself watching the show, you should probably buy a ticket.”

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.23.37 AMChaotic Neutral: A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn’t strive to protect others’ freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy. To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it.

Chaotic neutral characters like to indulge in everything. This is the insurgent, the con-man, gambler, and high roller; the uncommitted freebooter seeking nothing more than self-gratification. This type of character will at least consider doing anything if they can find enjoyment or amusement. Life has meaning, but theirs has the greatest meaning.

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.31.22 AMLikely Chaotic Neutrals on Bob’s Burgers: Eyebrow Man’s parrot, Rollerblading Guy, Dina Belcher, Zeke.

Representative Quotes: “Squawk! Nerd alert!”

“Drive-thruuuu!”

“And that’s how Dina plays the game.”

Lawful Evil: A lawful evil villain methodically takes what he wants within the limits of his code of conduct without regard for whom it hurts. He cares about tradition, loyalty, and order but not about freedom, dignity, or life. He plays by the rules but without mercy or compassion. He is comfortable in a hierarchy and would like to rule, but is willing to serve. He condemns others not according to their actions but according to race, religion, homeland, or social rank. He is loath to break laws or promises.

This reluctance comes partly from his nature and partly because he depends on order to protect himself from those who oppose him on moral grounds. Some lawful evil villains have particular taboos, such as not killing in cold blood (but having underlings do it) or not letting children come to harm (if it can be helped). They imagine that these compunctions put them above unprincipled villains.

fischoederLikely Lawful Evils on Bob’s Burgers: Mr. Fischoeder, Mr. Frond, Edith and Harold Cranwinkle, Hugo the Health Inspector, Randy the Documentarian, Jairo the Capoeiro Instructor.

Representative Quotes: “You are judged from the day you were born to the day you die, and if you don’t swim tomorrow, you’ll have to go to summer school!”

“People go to baseball games for the same reason people go to the amusement park: To be entertained! Do people care if the games are rigged? No!”

“Harold! There are some poorly-supervised children amongst the art.”

“What if I don’t get you an extension on your rent, but instead I give you the opportunity to earn some extra money on one of my side businesses?”
“That sounds sketchy.”
“Oh, it is.”
“Oh.”
“But you get to wear this hat.”
“Oh!”

jimmyNeutral Evil: A neutral evil villain does whatever she can get away with. She is out for herself, pure and simple. She sheds no tears for those she kills, whether for profit, sport, or convenience. She has no love of order and holds no illusion that following laws, traditions, or codes would make her any better or more noble. On the other hand, she doesn’t have the restless nature or love of conflict that a chaotic evil villain has.

Some neutral evil villains hold up evil as an ideal, committing evil for its own sake. Most often, such villains are devoted to evil deities or secret societies.

Likely Neutral Evils on Bob’s BurgersJimmy Pesto, Torpedo, Tammy Larson.

Representative Quotes: “Little bit of advice, Bob. If you want a role model, choose an old guy. By the time you’re grown up they’re dead.”

“See, this stays with me. And if you don’t stop acting like a prudebaga, and come with me to the mall, I’m going to give it to Jimmy, Jr.”

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 10.41.44 AMChaotic Evil: A chaotic evil character does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, and unpredictable. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Thankfully, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him.

Chaotic evil is the most dangerous alignment because it represents the destruction not only of beauty and life but also of the order on which beauty and life depend.

Likely Chaotic Evils on Bob’s Burgers: Louise, Sergeant Bosco.

Representative Quotes: “Hello and welcome to Bob’s Burgers. The burger of the day is the “child molester”—it comes with candy.”

“Go ahead, do it! Shoot a hostage!”

“You know how I get, before a big show. You know how I get. Get off of me! You’re smudging my makeup!”

“Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?”
“Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.”

[Definitions via Easydamus]

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