It is impossible for any character to make it through an entire Decemberists song without drowning; heaven help us if anyone ever relates the tale of Atlantis to Colin Meloy, who will immediately begin to shake and bleed and spew out song lyrics about sailors walled up in catacombs and ancient queens’ abortions if he ever learns that there is an entire drowned city in the annals of folklore. If someone is not drowning, they are merrily rattling their scimitars in the Boer Civil Spanish War or flinging infants into cisterns and committing gang rape in coastal cities. Here is a thorough and exhaustively researched list of all of the prosecutable felonies named in the Decemberist’s six studio albums; may their sentences be extensive.
Castaways and Cutouts, 2002
Infanticide, “Leslie Anne Levine”
Bootlegging, possible manslaughter, “July! July!”
Rape, multiple counts; aggravated assault; kidnapping, “A Cautionary Song”
Rape, assault, assault with a lethal weapon, “Odalisque”
Election fraud, “Cocoon”
Possession of a controlled substance (Class I), “The Legionnaire’s Lament”
N.B. The admission of “paying [one’s] debt to society” in “California One” is inadmissable, as library fines do not qualify as a felony, no matter how large the amount owed
Her Majesty The Decemberists, 2003
Criminal threat and assault, ”Shanty For the Arethusa”
Indecent exposure, “Billy Liar”
Assault and battery, infanticide, “The Bachelor and the Bride”
Picaresque, 2005
Providing alcohol to a minor, “The Infanta”
Rape, criminal liability in relation to suicide, “We Both Go Down Together”
Murder of a police officer in the line of duty, treason, bribery of a public official, “The Bagman’s Gambit”
Aggravated assault and battery, “The Mariner’s Revenge Song”
The Crane Wife, 2006
Assault and rape, “The Landlord’s Daughter”
Murder in the first degree, “You’ll Not Feel The Drowning”
Manslaughter, suspected arson, “O Valencia”
Kidnapping, grand theft, manslaughter, “The Perfect Crime #2″
Criminal threat and murder in the second degree, “The Shankill Butchers”
Bribery of a police officer, multiple counts; kidnapping, “The Perfect Crime #1″
The Hazards of Love, 2009
Murder in the first degree, three counts; desecration of a corpse “The Rake’s Song”
Kidnapping, “The Abduction of Margaret”
The King Is Dead, 2011
There are no felonies committed in The King Is Dead. While “scores of innocents die” in “Calamity Song,” the fault cannot be pinned on the narrator; the “you” in “All Arise!” commits multiple acts of theft, but it’s unlikely that this would constitute a felony in most states, given that it’s in the context of dollar store shoppers.
The Decemberists appear to be rehabilitated and are recommended for parole.
Tags: felonies, murdering, music, the decemberists, the decemberists are crazy about drowning too, the decemberists sure do love historical murders
I assumed that the relative lack of serious crimes committed in The King is Dead was due to the ENTIRETY of The Hazards of Love being a morality dead zone. Far from being rehabilitated, clearly they are laying low, and a close eye should be kept at all times. The Decemberists WILL kill again!
I love the Decemberists but this is so, so good. I think there’s some prostitution going on in On the Bus Mall
perfect handle for a Decemberists-lover!!
There is, but that’s generally not considered a felony; usually it’s a Class III misdemeanor.
That makes sense. Those crazy kids in On the Bus Mall, all over the prostitution and possible truancy.
Such a stickler. LET’S STICK TO THE FELONIES PEOPLE.
This is why any army officer who’s been west of the Dnieper needs to be executed — just to keep on the safe side.
May I humbly present for your consideration:
Prostitution, “On the Bus Mall”
Oh but prostitution isn’t a felony. . . rescinded.
I’LL NEVER MAKE IT IN THE ACADEMY
Oh god I actually looked this up for my jurisdiction. Is the narrator under 18, as I kind of infer? Then solicitation would be a Class 4 Felony in my jurisdiction, so you would be correct in that sense. Though I always assumed the setting was Portland, Ore., so perhaps different rules there?
I kind of love that felonies have classes, like torpedoes from Star Trek or something.
There’s definitely some sort of illicit interference with a protected species going on in The Crane Wife.
And also whatever Scooter Libby was prosecuted for.
They have some tunes about assisted suicide, no? “Sleepless” comes to mind.
Surely “Mariner’s Revenge” includes conspiracy to commit murder.
Mariner’s Revenge includes straight up murder! Unless the narrator is unsuccessful at making this song the “last words [the victim] will hear”, in which case, I’m very unimpressed with their whole elaborate murder plan in general. And/or: unless the victim simply becomes deaf, and then escapes the whale.
Perfect Crime involves witness tampering and extortion, too, but I’m not positive about the felony status.
HOW COULD YOU FORGET “THE TAIN”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOYZuaLg0J0
Incest – “you’re a fickle little twister / are you sweet on your sister?”
Castration – “and all his eunuchs in thrall / can scarce lift his line and lariat.”
Murder – “here com loose his hounds / to blow me down. ”
Murder – “[woman:] darling dear, what hav eyou done? / your hands and face are smeared with blood.”
“[daughter:] the chaplain came and called me out / to beat and to butcher his mother’s sow”
“[woman:] but darling dear, they found him dead / this morning on the riverbed.”
Is cannibalism a felony? I vaguely remember them singing about that at some point?
not to mention “Culling of the Fold”
though that’s mostly just a lengthy exhortation. i’m not sure the charges would stick.
this is so well-researched! and makes me suspect that a GREAT DEAL of the content of Decemberists songs went over my head when i was 14 and listening to a lot of them.
This explains why The King is Dead was so bad. Not nearly enough felonies on it!
You take that back!
you should do a version of this with Nick Cave songs
…
actually, no, perhaps not.
That wouldn’t be a list; that would be a 300-page novel.
I would submit that “We Both Go Down Together” actually includes a murder and not just assisted suicide. In my reading, the narrator is dragging the girl he raped over the cliff with him, having deluded himself into thinking she’s in love with him.
Oooh, I never thought of it this way. Way worse and not at all romantic this way. 🙁
OK, so I’m NOT the only person who thinks Billy Liar is about masturbating on a raft. That is not just my imagination.
this whole article is perfect
Awesome article! Though there is at least one error: according to an interview with Colin Meloy on Babble, there is no murder in “You’ll Not Feel the Drowning.”
The quote follows: “But it’s actually based on a part of In Patagonia, the hippie travel writing book. There’s an amazing passage where [author Bruce Chatwin] is talking about a ship in a squall and these cabin boys are down in the berth, and one of the cabin boys says to the younger ones, ‘Shut up, go to sleep, and you won’t feel anything.’ It’s not really about killing someone.”
http://www.babble.com/celebrity/colin-meloy-the-d…
I think it’s so much more interesting this way; I love how sweet and real it is, though I do generally love Colin’s proclivity for violence.
The supposed titular act in “You’ll Not Feel the Drowning” is actually not a murder. At least not directly. The song is based on the nautical superstition that if you just went to sleep that you wouldn’t feel yourself drown when the ship went down.
Are we sure there are no war crimes in “This Is Why We Fight?”
I was under the impression that “A Cautionary Tale” was about prostitution.
A great list! One possible omission: The Tain. Possibly an incestuous rape in Part I and also possibly a murder in Part IV or V.
I never thought “Leslie Anne Levine” was about infanticide. Isn’t it about a premature baby that just dies? “My mother birthed me far too soon” gives me that impression. Is burying your dead baby in a ditch without reporting it a felony, though?