Happy Monday and Martin Luther King Day to you all. We are taking the day off; please talk amongst yourselves until your return. Clean up when you’re done; use coasters. You can’t have any friends over while we’re gone. We love you.

Here is a picture of my face when I watched Flowers in the Attic this weekend. You may discuss the film or how good my hair looks in this picture here. (It was like Heather Graham’s contract included a rider about how she would only give line readings rather than act in any of her scenes; I was devastated.)

I also saw The Legend of Hercules this weekend. I will see any movie that is set during classical antiquity and filmed in 3D. It was perfect and you should go see it too. Kellan Lutz looks like a Labrador retriever that has been transfigured into a human man and is just thrilled about the change. There’s a scene where Zeus turns Hercules’ sword into a lightning-charged whip and then Hercules uses his lightning sword to electro-whip all of his enemies and I think that scene should be featured in every movie from now on and a lady stabs a guy through her own chest. Thanking you in advance,

Sincerely,
Mallory Ortberg