Since starting Ask a Clean Person in March 2011, I’ve received close to 3000 emails from people with questions for me. I have read all of them! Even the ones that I got when I was on my honeymoon and not at all using the internet which, wow. I need another honeymoon. (I read those emails, like, a month later when the guilt started to set in and I’d finished writing my thank you notes.)
Most of the queries I get are variations on a theme. Clean Person Mad Libs, if you will: “I spilled [noun] on [place], help!” or “My [expletive] [pet] [bodily functioned] all over my [place] but I love him, even though he is revolting, so I will not get rid of him even though you are probably right that I should.”
Some of the notes I get are quite sad; those are ones I won’t run in my column but do respond to personally. Cutters, people suffering from severe depression, adult children of hoarders … it’s hard stuff to read, but I’m touched that people feel safe enough to trust me with problems that go well beyond nail varnish stains on bedding. (Stop, by the way, polishing your fingernails in bed. Ladies!)
Every once in a while an email comes my way that is clearly fake. Not actually as often as you’d think though! Obviously I just ignore those ones. Except for the time I ran an obviously fake question, but I had my reasons. (Oh wait! I’m going to detour for a second and confess something: In that very first Deadspin column I wrote, I tried too hard to adopt a posture that wasn’t true to myself when answering that obviously fake semen question. I did it because I wanted to fit in and impress the guys. It backfired and I never did it again. And actually? As it turns out, they love me just the way I am, I don’t at all have to pretend to be cool in order to be liked. THE END.)
Then there are the doozies. Container of butter exploded in your car? Sure. Who among us hasn’t buttered our vehicle? Got a set of stinking testicles? As soon as I’m done blinking rapidly in your general direction, I’ll be happy to help out with some suggestions. Do you need me to wave my vagina wand and remove the discharge buildup from your underpants? Just let me get it out of storage.
Believe it or not, I also stay in touch with some of the people who ask questions of me. The title of my book, My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag … And Other Things You Can’t Ask Martha, was inspired by a real gal with a real boyfriend who barfed in her real handbag (not pictured.) She and the boyfriend are still together, and the bag is doing just fine! The lady who had relations in a sleeping bag in her living room so as not to let her gentleman friend see her impossibly messy bedroom is also doing A-OK. She’s living in a new place now, all on her own, and is still making her bed every day.
So on the occasion of the release of the aforementioned book, The Toast graciously granted me space in which to revisit some of the other doozies that appeared in the original iteration of Ask a Clean Person, as well as in the book, and to catch up with the original letter writers. In some cases names have been changed (I suggested to each of them that they might like to be known as ‘Esmerelda’ for this purpose. None of them bit.)
The follow up questions I asked were: Did my advice work?; How long did it take you to get around to actually cleaning the item in question?; Are you cleaner in general?; Are you and the boyfriend/girlfriend still together?; Did you tell him/her you wrote to me for cleaning advice?; Do you still have the item in question?
Let’s see how we did!!
Chatting with Katherine about cleaning her Strap-on Harness:
Your advice … was poorly followed by me. BUT! I did start using a barely-damp microfiber cloth with a teensy drop of castile soap which seems similar to a baby wipe and was recommended by a commenter. And it was ok. It still posed the “getting around the rivets” problem and so now there is an old toothbrush that sometimes gets swiped around. I didn’t try the mink oil or saddle soap because I was still leery of contact with my extra-sensitive nethers, but I have thought about it and will definitely be something I do in the future for conditioning. Thankfully the microfiber/toothbrush method has prevented the need for the dry cleaners.
I think it took me another week or two [after the column ran] before a cleaning. It’s still kind of a bear to deal with the next morning (like, the last thing you want to do after getting fucked comatose is get out of the bed and stand in your cold bathroom wiping things down) so it’s not our usual routine. More like a well-worth it treat. Although we are looking for a new model, the old harness will always have a place in our drawer. Especially since leather basically can’t be beat for sex appeal and stability—though I’ve heard good things about the nylon ones….
The girlfriend and I are still together! Actually recently engaged, we have agreed to promise to always dirty our sex toys together and we are currently shopping for one of those fun underwear-looking harnesses that we can just throw into the wash with some Oxi when we wanna be lazy about our strap on sex cleanup (though not lazy about the sex.) And I did tell her! After I wrote you but before it was posted. She’s pretty laissez-faire and doesn’t care if I blab about our sex toys on the internet as long as it won’t pop up on her Google search.
Am I cleaner? I would say yes, mostly though because I have since vaulted from late-mid-twenties to full on late-twenties and that puts the fear of god into a girl-who-should-be-acting-
This was fun! I just got inspired and went through a bunch of old columns because I have a day off and want to nest hardcore (nothing like a ring on your finger to kick that nesting impulse into high gear) and have been inspired to clean: my cast iron skillet, my shower curtain liner, my baking sheets, and my floor. So yeah, I guess I am cleaner thanks to you.
A note from Vera, the very kind lady whose boyfriend sometimes left Skidmarks On Sheets:
I’m glad to say that the dude and I are still together. The issue still happens occasionally, and is mostly a side effect from medication that he takes for epilepsy. I talked with him about it and he had been much more on his game to make sure it doesn’t happen.
I did not tell him that I was writing to you for help, and he still doesn’t know (and he would be mortified to know that I did). I’ll tell him when we’re 80 and both in diapers.
The advice did help and made me feel cleaner, as I was scared of the bacteria that could be breeding on my sheets. I had already cleaned them before your response was posted, but I did take your advice for future incidents.
Catching up with Eleanor, she of The Jizzcliner:
I am happy to provide follow up as the reaction to my question absolutely killed me.
Your advice did work (hail OxiClean) but I waited until the last second before moving to clean it. I am a neurotic cleaner but as this is something you don’t typically come across everyday, I wasn’t sure how to clean it without making it worse so your expert advice was appreciated!
I am still with my boyfriend and the recliner. The recliner is on its way out with our next move though :)
I told him I wrote to you after I saw the question was published so I could read him the panic and hatred incited in the comments section. He was slightly annoyed and embarrassed but it was his fault in the first place?
I never entered the comments section myself because I loved watching it play out and I wasn’t sure if providing the real story would make it better or worse. I’m not sure if your readers will want the real story but if they do—we didn’t incorporate the lazy boy into our sex life. As a disgusting teen boy, he would use the chair as a type of “jerk off throne” and use the arm in place of a tissue. The chair was then used as a hamper for many years so he never cleaned it. I don’t really have any other defense except this was his grossest thing and love is blind? He is an awesome dude and now we have a clean chair so I think we are doing alright.
You know? I think you’re all doing alright!
Also, if this Clean Person thing doesn’t work out, I’m considering a career in matchmaking.
For more fun with cleaning, check out the trailer for Jolie’s book and join her and moderator Bobby Finger at the book launch event at PowerHouse Arena on February 26th at 7pm.
