Does anyone else remember how videochatting just came into our lives without any fanfare? I mean really, that is some Jetsons-level futuristic tech. Infinite Jest hinged its entire perception of the future on our reaction to finally being able to do it, but at some point in college everyone seemed to have Skype and it was no big deal.

And yet we complain that we are too far in the past. Sure there are Google Glass and wristphones, but our musicians scream for jetpacks! We cry for hovercars! Where are our personal spaceships and household robots?

They’ve been in the Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog.

First I present the World’s Fastest Amphibious Car. Oh ho, we’ve moved far past just having amphibious cars, my friends. Why even get one if it’s not gonna reach at least 44mph in the water?

If cruising around your local lake on an amphibious car is just too showy, there’s also the privacy and peace a personal Killer Whale Submarine can offer. It “breaches and submerges just like the Orcinus orca after which it is designed,” so you know you can trust the craftsmanship. There is also a five person exploration submarine, if you have friends. Does the catalog offer friends? (no.)

I have never wanted something more than a golf cart hovercraft. Regular cars are too intimidating for me, but I can drive a mean golf cart. According to the designer, it was built to “improve some of the existing limitations of golf carts,” which just goes to show the difference between true genius and the rest of us–I didn’t even know there were golf cart limitations. But this maverick saw that perfectly fine golf cart and thought “but it doesn’t fly!” This video is the coolest.

What is a tranquility pod? Why is a tranquility pod? It at least has “a pulse sensor that synchronizes your heartrate with 50 LEDs housed in the pod’s inner perimeter that create ambient mood lighting for calming the mind,” as well as memory foam that covers a WATERBED. When I was a kid my aunt had a waterbed and it was the most fun thing to sleep on, so this definitely sounds like a good investment.

Wasn’t this Motorized Monocycle on South Park once? Again, the video to this is just too perfect. Look at this couple monocycling through the woods! I guess they’re there because it’s not technically “street legal” but neither are electric bikes in lots of places. Rules aren’t for monocyclists.

Hot Tub Boat. This makes perfect sense. I think people forget that the best part of water is just being able to sit in it and chill out. Swimming is fun but it is not relaxing, and that water is probably too cold anyway. Yes, fill your boat with warmer water and then take that water into the water.

Here we are, the perfect object. It’s a self-righting object, “unlike inhomogeneous self-righting novelties built with weighted bases.” Don’t even suggest bringing an inhomogeneous self-righting novelty into this conversation. Weighted bases? Maybe for suckers, but you deserve better than that. You deserve the Gömböc.

 Anyway, please tell me why SkyMall gets all the attention when we have this.