For Ted, it was a predictable morning at the local fair trade coffee shop. Co-eds filled the place, desperate for their caffeine fix, using high voices to order Starbucks sizes that weren’t even applicable there. Ted shook his head as yet another pierced the air with her dismay, “So, nothing is pumpkin?”
It was this way at the start of every school year. He weathered the storm of irritations with his characteristic fortitude, eyes trained on his dog-eared Noam Chomsky reader.
But then he felt his pocket buzz and he reached for his phone. It was a text from his housemate, thanking him again for telling her about how bad tampons were for the planet. It came up sometimes, living in a house with three other women, which he did because he was a guy whom ladies felt comfortable around, even comfortable enough to sometimes go braless, talking about periods. Ted didn’t often discuss menstruation but when he did, he made sure women knew how they were doing it wrong.
A smooth hip bumped his hand and suddenly his phone was on the floor. He heard a breathy gasp and then, “I’m so sorry!” A brunette in some type of sundress knelt to pick up what she’d knocked down, giving him an excellent view of her generous cleavage, which he didn’t notice. “Typical Elizabeth! Always so clumsy.”
“It’s not a big deal,” he said kindly, accepting the phone from her and inspecting it closely several times over to make sure there was no damage. “Not compared to, say, the war crimes of George W. Bush. Elizabeth, was it? I’m Ted. I think you can let this one slide.”
“Are you sure?” Her beautiful face, sort of a cross between Olivia Munn and the Fox News anchor he’d hate-masturbated to last week, was creased with anxiety. “Could I buy you a coffee, as an apology?”
“Sure, why not?” Ted shrugged coolly, cool not in a rude way but in the laid-back, relaxed way of a man who’s very at ease with women. “I’m a pretty liberated guy, probably not like the ones you’ve known before. I’m okay with a woman buying me things.”
Elizabeth beamed. Her body was a 9 out of 10, or it would have been if he were crude enough to use that sort of scale. “I’m so glad! You keep sitting here, I’ll be right back.” She turned to go but he grabbed her elbow.
“Oh, and Elizabeth?” he said, gazing powerfully but not threateningly into her eyes, which were above the boobs he wasn’t looking at. “I take it black.”
Ted settled into his chair, watching Elizabeth’s backside but too distracted by his thoughts to observe that she almost definitely wasn’t wearing underwear. Was he imagining things, or did a small shudder of arousal move through her body when he told her how he wanted his coffee? No, it definitely wasn’t his imagination. He didn’t have one.
Elizabeth brought back his cup, and sat down across from him, visibly eager to please and impress. “Your phone case is really, really cool, by the way,” she ventured, then looked away, embarrassed that she said anything at all.
Ted chuckled like, how silly to be invested in such things, but I forgive you. (His phone case was custom-made. It read: RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES.) “A fellow fan of Karl?”
“Well,” she blushed. “A guy I dated in high school liked that quote. I thought about signing up for Marxism 101 this year but….” She laughed at herself, still looking down. “I don’t think social theory is really my thing. I’m leaning towards concentrating in literature. Contemporary American, maybe.” She was still too shy to meet his more knowledgeable eyes. And why shouldn’t she be? Contemporary American literature was shit. “Are you a student, too?”
He smiled benevolently. “I teach. And work on finishing my PhD in atheism.”
“Oh, wow! Wow!” She blushed even more. It was funny how he had this way of making women both so comfortable yet so intimidated. He wished he could put his hand on the back of her head and shush her, chase away all her anxieties about her brain. If only there was some way he could let her know how used to this he was, to being smarter. If only he could tell her it wasn’t her fault.
Almost as if she could hear his reassuring thoughts, she slowly raised her eyes to his. “I’m sure that keeps you so busy, but I’m still getting my bearings on campus. Maybe you could show me around sometime?”
“Sure, I’d be happy to,” Ted said graciously. “Why don’t we go right now? I think there’s something you have’t seen before that you might like.”
Ted led Elizabeth out of the coffee house and across the street to the largest bulletin board on the quad. He positioned her in front of it by placing his hands manfully but respectfully on her upper arms, and then stepped back with a satisfied look on his face as he waited for her to find it.
“There’s a lot here,” she said, glancing at him, a nervous smile on her young lips, her nipples hard from the chill in the air, which he only thought of in order to offer her his coat, except he wasn’t wearing one.
Indulgently, he leaned in and tapped on one of the many sheets of paper.
“’This Thursday, join us for the semester’s first official session of Feminism for Men,’” she read aloud. “’Meet founder Ted Breedlove and find out what feminism can do for you.’ Oh my god, Ted! That’s so cool!”
He smiled, ever modest. “Yeah, I guess it’s something pretty special. They didn’t have anything like that on campus before I came along.”
“I would love to learn more,” she took hold of his hand in excitement. “We could go together!”
“Elizabeth,” he squeezed her hand and fondly shook his head. “It’s a male feminist club. Men only.”
“Oh, gosh, duh, I’m such an idiot.” There she went again, blushing, her nipples even harder, probably tingly between her legs like women get around men who really see them and are willing to talk to them as equals, and not make them feel bad about being simple.
“You’re not an idiot, Elizabeth,” he said. He sensed the time was right to draw her even closer, so he did, so close that he could almost warm her nipples against his plaid, organic cotton-covered chest. “You’re a curious young woman with so much potential. So much wonder about the world. It’s beautiful to witness. In fact, Elizabeth, you’re beautiful. And you know why? It’s not about your shiny hair or your hot tits or your perfect teeth. All that’s garbage to me. In fact, if I were a lesser man, I might actually judge you for how much time you spend at the gym. Because it’s obviously a lot. Maybe even several hours a day. Every day! And I’m normally into older women, women who have some heft to them, who’ve really aged into their bodies. Not dating them, I mean. It’s not about that. I’m talking about appreciating their vitality and sensuality, making out with them sometimes if I’m drunk. I’m talking about that deeper level of connection, of just recognizing another human soul, and thanking that soul for bringing life into the world, for being a goddess. You’ll be a goddess one day too, Elizabeth. I see it. I can see it dormant in you. But what I find beautiful about you, the part of you I’m hard for right now…” He reached up and tapped her temple, leaning in to whisper something he knew she’d never heard before, “it’s right here. In your head. It’s your mind.”
Elizabeth was overcome. She fought back tears as her chest heaved with the emotional arousal of being truly known by a man fifteen years older than her. Ted had been working on his PhD for a while, because he believed in rigor and quality and that you couldn’t rush knowledge. And then there was that year backpacking in Alaska, which led to the year working at the organic farm…. Elizabeth would learn all that and more about him, gradually, in due time. But for now—
“Elizabeth,” Ted held her chin to lift her face and wiped away her tears. “May I kiss you?”
“Yes, Ted!” she cried, submitting fully to his embrace and opening her mouth to his feminist tongue. Women loved being asked. It made them feel so comfortable.
Tags: all men are garbage but this kind especially, charlotte shane, contemporary american literature is shit, dudes, fan fiction, irl fan fiction, lib bros, liberal dudes, noam chomsky acolytes, not compared to say the war crimes of george w. bush, picking the image for this post was too easy, that guy, that guyyyyyyyyyyy
*throws self away*
PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT
A+++++ would focus my male gaze on it again.
Ahahahaha of course Ted Mosby is That Guy’s patron saint! This is perfection.
This made my hatred for Ted burn bright and true, like the North Star leading me home.
JUST THE OTHER DAY I caught that of that episode where Barney changes a hot girl’s number to his own cellphone in Ted’s phone because he thinks he’ll scare her away by saying “I love you” too early, and then he and Marshall end up pretending to be her for a while and saying things they know will get Ted’s white liberal douchiness all amped up. “I’m reading Architecture weekly in my old cheerleading uniform,” that kind of thing. And of course he was so into himself that he believed 100% that he was actually speaking to a hot woman and impressing her, not being completely tooled around by his friends.
It’s funny, for just about anyone else, I’d be mad at Barney and Marshall for being tools. But they did it to Ted.
NOBODY LIKES YOU, TED!
I was 100% picturing Ted Mosby while reading this piece. It’s only two-thirds in that you realize that the character has a different last name, at which point I chose to breeze past that fact. (This piece was perfection, of course.)
I can’t wait for the next use of the “picking the image for this post was too easy” tag. What’s the odds line on it being another piece about liberal arts dudes with another picture of Ted Mosby?
Haha, awesome! (I actually know two separate dudes doing PhDs in atheism. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME)
it means you’re unlovable garbage
That’s what my therapist tells me, too.
What does a PHD in atheism actually entail? Like, how do you do a PHD in NOT Something?
I actually know the answer one of them would give
You shall not speak it here.
you’re the queen!
I am a quasi-professional atheist and I didn’t know this was even a thing.
That time a dude left me his number and also the name of his favorite Walter Benjamin essay.
“It’s pronounced Ben-ya-MEEN.”
Just LOOK AT US here on the internet living in the age of mechanical reproduction.
So many ladies to mechanically not-reproduce with.
And the guy from C.’s program who insisted on pronouncing Kierkegaard as if saying the word involved swallowing a marble.
A guy picked up on a “Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction” reference I made on a first date. Then, he congratulated himself on it. Yeah, we don’t talk anymore.
…and they lived happily ever after.
I know a man with a pompadour, who considers himself a marxist, and is working on a PHD in philosophy… and writing his memoir. I think he would enjoy this.
Sweet Christ on melba toast, what on earth can he be writing in his memoir? “My struggle as an upper-middle-class white Marxist.”
If I remember correctly, it was about the girl that broke his heart. Or something like that.
oh for fuck’s sake
Ahaha how do you even
like is he what happens when a kid is told he’s special too often or
I think the technical term for that is “Neiman Marxist.”
*snort*
Of course he’s taking for-fucking-ever to do the PhD. Deep down, the Teds of the world love to talk about how they’re constantly working on the PhD. Just HAVING one wouldn’t be nearly as useful for their image of themselves.
It’s all about the academic pursuit of wisdom, man. Sure, learning lasts a lifetime and we should constantly be working on bettering ourselves through the study of old dead white guys, but there’s nothing like doctoral work to really engross you in a topic, you know?
My fave thing about the condescending white guys in my PhD program is how many of them didn’t finish.
#thatswhatshesaid
HEYOOOO
it’s useful for one’s bank account, however, which is terribly CAPITALIST.
I really want to read a novel of this guy as written by Robert B. Parker. Would be so terrible and yet so readable. Liberal dude Spenser.
I would read this!
Man, I really miss this show.
PhD in atheism! Yeah, this is wonderful.
……I dated this exact man in college. (He also cheated on me then claimed polyamory, which hadn’t been brought up before and wasn’t something I’d signed up for, but clearly this made me the bad one in the breakup, and yeah, burn them all.)
UGH UGH UGH UGH kill it
Congratulations on dodging that bullet!
Did he keep yelling at you that you were on a break – sounds awful. =/ I have so many mixed feelings about HIMYM.
I know someone else who had a dude cheat on her and claim polyamory!!! Is that what they do!??!?!
The superdouchebag cheaters of the world do. Actual poly people I’ve met talk that shit to DEATH with everyone involved before any moves are made.
We legit polys talk about and plan for sex so much that we often don’t have the time to actually bone.
Seconded as another poly person. I’ve got a Google doc of relationship boundaries and a drawer full of safer sex supplies that have to come into play before I do anything with someone new, and that’s not even getting into the logistics of date scheduling with multiple people… Polyamory does not actually necessarily mean you get laid any more often.
The poly people I actually date or otherwise know in person talk about it endlessly before, after, and sometimes during. I do see a lot of dudes on okcupid who say things like “I’m poly because I’m just really laid back” or other things that scream “I’m going to never care about your feelings and call it a philosophy.”
I need a Venn diagram of those dudes & libertarian dudes
I have a sneaking suspicion it might just be a circle though
Yeah good move on getting the hell out of there before he decides to unilaterally revise that relationship further.
Surprise honey, I’ve decided we’re BUGCHASERS now!
I know this is late, but I was rereading the comments because everything about this post is the best, and I wanted to share this amazing, glorious example of male entitlement re: open relationships backfiring, oh my god: http://www.redditlog.com/snapshots/554905
And yeah, cheating dudes claiming polyamory is so frustrating and stupid and aghhhhhhhhhh. Truly, all men are garbage but this kind especially.
I don’t buy for a second that you need a custom-made RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES phone case. That must be available on Cafepress somewhere.
YOU’RE NOT THAT COOL, TED. JUST SAYING.
I bet all the resellers on Etsy have them. “Handmade” and all.
Yep, I’m betting Etsy
Well sure, you don’t NEED to get it custom-made. But how else is one to really connect with the working people, you know? This way every time he looks at his phone, he can be reminded of a simpler life, free of the complications of academic departments and debates about whether veganism is truly environmentally sound.
And free of smartphones (which he would need to buy a case for, and whose monthly data plan he can easily afford)
Yeah but he’d get one custom-made anyway
It’s just so much more authentic, you know? Not like that exploitative factory-made crap *sips latte*
This makes me want to set everything around me on fire. A++++
Seriously considering printing this out and pasting it everywhere on my graduate school campus.
You would do that, and then NO MORE than a week later you would see a flyer pop up advertising a Feminism for Men club. You want to live with that?
oh god.
AhhhhhhhH!
This must be part of the conspiracy to turn PUAs into feminists by luring them in with the possibility of sex with smart girls… I’ve said too much
Do PUAs want to have sex with smart girls?
This would be a valid question if PUAs recognized that women have intelligence, but to them, “smart girls” are just a category to check off on their PUA bucket list
Of course – if they’re hot.
I don’t consider myself a pua but I do use game to attract and keep girls. Game works better on smart girls, they actually understand witty jokes. I’m dating a girl with an IQ over 150 right now.
omg
RIGHT?
CACKLING
I somehow missed this yesterday but OH MY GOD
Yessss, how did they get here? Or is this just a too-good imitation intended as parody?
I sometimes wish the internet were a bit more corporeal so I could conduct such high-tech experiments as poking comment(ors) with a stick.
I’ve got a really high IQ, too, so if things go south with the current girl, let me humbly suggest:
Pick-Up Sticks (the title is suggestive, plus your manual dexterity will impress)
The Game of Life, Simpsons version (Life shows you’re in it for the long haul, but the novelty version highlights your lighter side) (Lego Chess would serve a similar purpose)
Bananagrams (I don’t think I need to explain why)
Obviously bananagrams. I also have a high IQ, and after I’ve finished demolishing a dude in game after game of bananagrams, I want to have sex to further demonstrate my dominance.
Hmmm…..I’ve got a C and an A and a T…..too bad I can’t spell anything there….guess I lose….
Oh god, they’re evolving.
If the username was only MFA2016 I could be sure this was a parody.
This was my face the whole time I was reading this:
oh gawd i think my hair is on fire i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate
I don’t know whether to vomit or laugh or cry
Well, my laughter could potentially be interpreted as a harpy-esque “Kreeeeeee!”, so I’m doing both!
become a lesbian
I think that would be the answer to about 95% of my problems.
more like it would answer 99 of your problems, amirite?
All of them. All of them.
Too many great lines to quote! This. Is. Uproariously. Brilliant.
BRILLIANT!
Agreed. Perfect. Amazing.
1000% agree
Obligatory: NOT ALL LIBERAL DUDES
Auuuugh I can only thumbs-up this once! Injustice!
We’re being oppressed! MEMES ARE THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES!
I feel so dirty now. Yessss mooorrre.
CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN LITERATURE RULES
50% cackling like a madwoman
50% preventing myself from punching the screen at every mention of Ted
100% excellent
Did you mean: every cis dude at my alma mater?
Middlebury or Carleton?
Bard 😀
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
x1000000000
eta: One time a dude broke up with me because he had “read too much Judith Butler”
YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED OUTSIDE OF THIS WEBSITE AGAIN.
You stay here with us. Forever.
You’re assuming that was not ALREADY my plan…..
I had a male friend respond to the title of Andrea Dworkin’s “Pornography: Men Possessing Women” as if it were a statement I made. He took an auto-post to Facebook via my Librarything catalogue to be an opinion I’d stated.
He is no longer my friend.
I hated every thought of this man from depths of my spirit so much so that I had a physical reaction.
Halfway through, I noticed my feet were frantically scrabbling backwards. Normally I only get that reaction to rat kings and invitations to sort clothing for reskilling events.
I think I have a hive on my cheek after reading this.
WHY HAVE I KNOWN SO MANY OF THESE. Bonus points if they’re nominally queer barristas who moonlight as labor union organizers.
Goddammit, up until this moment I would define someone who combined those things as “hawt”. NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH.
I’ve got a nominally queer barista with a sequoia tree tattoo (he just really connected to the forest you know?) who read a lot of Checkov and drank exclusively absinthe.
That is pure gold.
oh my god I love you right now
Guy, this is 100% real. Ted Mosby is one step ahead of you. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1872818/
NO. Nonononono… Nooooo.
No.
(Thank you for the link, it’s perfect. How did you come to know of this atrocity?)
Oh my goooood
Zac Efron’s in it!? #toastsynergy
what.
Did we just magic that movie into existence through the power of our collective hatred?
I tried reeeeeeal hard not to hate Josh Radnor for how awful Ted was. Then I saw a trailer for this movie (which he wrote and directed) and the veil between this world and the fictional world was torn asunder.
I read an interview once (probably while he was promoting this movie) where he claimed he owns a TV, but he doesn’t know how to turn it on. Hate away.
Allison Janney NOOOO!!!
Zibby, huh? Is she studying Zilosophy, or Zenglish Ziterature, or Zart Zistory?
BRB, changing my diploma to read “Zart Zistory”
“ZIBBY”???????
Noooo, leave the name alone. One of my best friends is Zibby, and she’s awesome.
I SAW THIS!!!! It’s as terrible as you think it is.
OH MY GOD
I don’t even know what to do with this information. Do I shriek with laughter? Go directly to Netflix to see if I can watch it for myself? Save it for a Toasties hate-watching party (MY HOUSE, THIS FRIDAY)?
This was absolutely brilliant.
The only part lacking in this brilliance, is his internal soliloquy about being a “Nice Guy”….
Literally could not stop yelling out loud, “I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM!!!!”
No, it definitely wasn’t his imagination. He didn’t have one.
LET ME WORSHIP YOU
and let’s kill ted
“No, it definitely wasn’t his imagination. He didn’t have one.”
I knew I was going to like this work of literature but that line was the exact moment I realized I was going to *love* it, forever, for the rest of my life.
I knew this guy in college except he taught Women’s Studies not Atheism (not to say he wasn’t really into atheism)
You went to Pasadena City College?
This dude is legion.
I want to thumbs-up this many times over.
He was DEFINITELY really into atheism.
Charlotte Shane, where do I sign up for your newsletter?
http://titsandsass.com/!
I actually do have a newsletter but it is rarely funny and mostly me reflecting on how everything is sad and awful. Sign up! It’s weekly! https://tinyletter.com/CharlotteShane
That very last part.
“Women loved being asked. It made them feel so comfortable.”
Ugh! I had a guy who always asked permission to go to the next step of whatever. I felt like I was getting decision fatigue by the time we got our pants off. UGH!
Can I comment on your post????????
aahhh I like it when guys do this? maybe there is something wrong with me? I mean, I definitely don’t like it when people ask because they think it will make them look like a nice sensitive dude ™ but I hate when dudes assume that just because I’ve said yes to some things means I’ll say yes to everything. I guess I’d just rather be asked than have something happen that I wasn’t comfortable with.
Ahhhh, the “maybe there is something wrong with me?” makes me sad! There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of communication and consent during sex, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting less communication in a “Man, why are we talking so much in neutral supportive voices instead of ripping clothing off and communication only in declarative and imperative sentences? I should have covered this during the briefing.” sort of way.
Other people have briefings before sex, right? It’s not just me?
I never seem to time it quite right but someday SOMEDAY I will be in a position to point out to one of these guys that if they were so concerned with making sure a woman was into it, they would have stopped and wondered at some point why they felt it so important to do the driving.
like, you don’t find yourself in the position to ask if a woman minds you taking her pants off if she is already unbuttoning yours. like, if you’re so into enthusiastic consent, maybe you should take a little break and wait until someone asks you to consent to something.
This is why God invented skirts
love the tag “all men are garbage but this kind especially” it should have more things
On the second date, he tries to badger her into being interested in chess.
I dated that guy! He thought beating me at chess was foreplay.
I dated like four of that guy, and thought “I could spend a hundred hours learning to crush him at chess, or I could break up with him.”
Chess never won.
It just dawned on me after reading your comment that I don’t really like chess at all! The only reason I kept practicing is because the guy I was dating (but Not Dating, you know he’s just not in the right place to be in anything Serious) in college would pat me on the head when I lost.
It’s been said already, but Ted Mosby is the worst and this is the best. My roommate LOVES HIMYM, but Ted is her least favorite character of basically anything ever. This summer I could tell she was watching HIMYM without opening my door because I’d just hear her sigh exasperatedly and swear at her laptop.
I’m going through HIMYM and yes – TED IS AWFUL. But – I can’t stop watching because of the awesomeness of the rest of the cast. Lily 4-EVA.
Ugh omg HATE TED and this is kind of spoilery so don’t look if you haven’t finished the show but I think it should have ended with Ted dying and Robin and Ted’s wife getting married.
Favorite favorite favorite detail among all the spot-on details: first name basis with “Karl.” BAM.
Also perfect: ““It’s not a big deal,” he said kindly, accepting the phone from her and inspecting it closely several times over to make sure there was no damage.”
OH MY GOD HAS EVERYONE READ THIS “CUTOFF CULTURE” PIECE IT IS LITERALLY THE SEQUEL TO THIS, I AM DYING.
https://medium.com/human-parts/5ebf4e53294c
““Apparently, what I want seems irrelevant to you.” She didn’t realize the irony that what I wanted had long been irrelevant to her. ”
Let’s… let’s…
Wow.
Picked my horrible quote too soon.
“I believe that most domestic violence is the result of men with trauma histories reacting to powerlessness in response to experiences with their ex, friends, or family. Certainly men are responsible for finding nonviolent ways to respond to feeling powerless, but culturally we need to understand the dynamics driving these kinds of situations if we’re to reduce them.”
what a perfectly loathsome human being.
#allmenaregarbagebutespeciallythisone
the best part is when he quotes Ross Douthat.
Really, the whole thing. I’m just all “Fuck you no” at each paragraph.
“When personal safety is involved, cutoff is warranted.”
WHAT ABOUT MY OWN EMOTIONAL SAFETY JEFF? WHAT IF IT’S SAFER FOR MY DAMNED SANITY NOT TO TALK TO YOUR DOUCHEY ASS? DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT JEFF? Pro Tip: If I’ve left the relationship, it is no longer my responsibility to support your emotions and be your therapist, if it ever was in the first place, ESPECIALLY if you want me to be your therapist for our breakup. I’ll cut your ass off in a heartbeat.
At first I was pretty sure that article was another work of fiction, and I liked it. I thought it was clever to have the antagonist narrate, to get into his head and let us see how he thinks. It’s amazing how he goes back and forth, one moment presenting himself as a victim of this “much younger” girl (who is apparently deeply hurting him by not replying to the obsessive messages he sends her), and the next moment assuming the role of the intelligent cultural commentator, treating her as a case study, quoting writers and sociologists and yoga experts to make his point. And then… it wasn’t fiction. AHHHHHHHH
“Emma” had the right idea: run, and don’t look back.
I think this article, Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend, applies to this Jeff Reifman guy quite well.
Apparently he like, MADE MILLIONS AT MICROSOFT.
The world is this guy’s oyster. I hope he gets food poisoning.
Ack – I could have sworn that was the email I got from an ex-gf.
And to think I was expecting this article to be about jean shorts….
There is no better response to that article of garbage than Captain Awkward’s response. Captain Awkward is the greatest.
Basically, fuck that guy. The title of that article should have been “Hello, I’m that guy that can’t take a fucking hint,” or “Watch me blame my ex for everything that’s wrong with me” or something.
But, he has a garden, in which he grows vegetables that can be used to make soup; also, he once took her to an amazing National Geographic photography lecture. Why can’t she see what an asset his friendship is?
OH MY GOD can we talk about this. Literally everything is wrong with this piece.
– How creepy is it that he excerpts her personal communication with him? (How ethically dubious is it that Medium agreed to publish it?)
– I am 99% positive that his intent in using the term “cutoff culture” is to directly evoke the term rape culture, as if there’s some comparison. “See, the cultural violence we face is just as bad!”
– His entire argumentative style is making “general” statements that are clearly thinly veiled projections of his own feelings and then backing it up with excerpts from self-help books (or Ross Douthat, lol).
– This is really just long-form gaslighting of a woman who he “cares” “so much” about in front of the whole internet. (Related: I would *think* that a man so deeply in love, so wounded but still wanting her back, would find some time in the article to talk about what he loves about her, in addition to the laundry list of ways she’s wronged him). Who the fuck says, “When I’m most relaxed, I feel deep affection for Emma as a friend and wish her no ill. I just feel sadness for my loss and empathy for her limited capacity.” ?!?!?
– The domestic violence thing. How telling is it that the whole rest of his piece is couched in terms of empathy and vulnerability, and then suddenly, nope, but women are actually, at base, responsible for domestic violence.
– HOW actually does one sink to these depths of non-self awareness? He quotes what sounds like everyone in his life telling him “dude, you need to let this go” as evidence that he’s right. And so on.
This guy is actually Ted post-breakup.
On the specific question of Medium agreeing to publish it: It’s my understanding that Medium is an anyone-can-sign-up blogging-type site that looks like an edited magazine, not an actual edited magazine.
“While I would previously have been an active reader and retweeter of #YesAllWomen, a man standing up against misogyny and gun violence, I stayed away. At least temporarily, women online lost an ally when they harassed and shamed me.”
Oh, no! What were those women thinking? Didn’t they realize the dreadful risk they took by criticizing him? Now he’s taken his ball(s) and gone home, and misogyny and gun violence are able to run free without this guy standing up against them.
Go away, sea lions! http://wondermark.com/1k62/
Ted Breedlove…Thinking of liberal porn names is going to be my new favorite game.
Caleb Tenderhold
Oh, this is delicious.
Oh god. I once had a guy on a dating site recommend that I read his top five favorite classic Russian novelists. I cracked a joke about liking trash books with murder and stuff (it’s a joke because I actually like trash books about wizards and stuff) and he responded by telling me there was interesting murder in them, but it was a metaphor for society and not the book’s primary message. Headdesk. No white boy. Bad intellectual liberal.
I took myself off to watch It’s Always Sunny and drink wine and cheerfully wallow in my lack of cultural cache.
What’s hilarious is that watching It’s Always Sunny and drinking wine is probably closer to what the Russians were after, at least on a regular basis.
Also I like your taste in books.
Thank you! It took me awhile to own up to my taste in popcorn fantasy. Now I’m out and proud. But I had a friend in high school who’s over-bearing mother would only let her read classics. I may or may not have clutched my well-worn copy of Love or Chocolate to my chest and gasped in horror when I found out.
Oops, Blood and Chocolate, that was it.
I almost dated this guy once. He insisted that Chairman Mao had been unfairly maligned by the West. Need I tell you he was the whitest white guy to ever white?
This had me chuckling all the way through.
Couldn’t resist the obvious meme.
there was a time in my life where i thought it was a huge accomplishment to have a one night stand with this guy. later that month, he went out of his way to ostentatiously spend hundreds of dollars at a fundraiser i was hosting for legal scholarships for women, including buying things for a few of the pretty first years, and then making the checks out to me personally with smiley faces in the note line. #allmenaregarbagebutespeciallythisone
This is my favourite thing I’ve ever read in all the world
Oh, fuck this guy.
"For me, Emma’s flip from care and openness to withdrawal and, ultimately, hostile rejection mirrored my mom’s behavior and re-opened deep wounds from my past…People often see me as a successful technologist, an ex-Microsoft millionaire, but I can attest to the capacity for trauma to upend your emotional stability and make life a living hell."
how did you guys find my diary?
+1 4EVA.
I think I dated this guy in undergrad, holy shit.
This type of man is SO HORRIBLE but this article is SO GOOD!
I read all the dude's dialogue in the voice of Zapp Brannigan.
I heard you get automatically kicked out of Marxism for using hair gel
That time I went down on a dude and immediately after finishing he asked me if I believed in god. Nice to see how he turned out!
This is pretty much amazing.
This is pretty much amazing.
Revolting.
Revolting.
I hooked up with this guy a few times while he was in an open relationship. Quick summary: “hetero-flexible”, when I confessed I’m trying to sort out my asexuality he asked if I had ever had an orgasm + let me know hes helped other women with orasm issue before *facepalm*, studying psychology, openly debates womens issues on facebook with his best bro, pretty much identifies as Ted Mosby and proudly so (hes brought it up multiple times and the fact that others agree), and I recently found out he occasionally wears a fedoucha. I sent him this article hinting this was him (hoping I might paralyze him with self-realizaition) he defended Mosby ad nauseum. Also claims to “date girls their maturity”. Unfortunately I could go on for miles… partially because our friend groups overlap far too often, mostly because he fits this so fucking well.
#not all liberal dudes
"While I would previously have been an active reader and retweeter of #YesAllWomen, a man standing up against misogyny and gun violence, I stayed away. At least temporarily, women online lost an ally when they harassed and shamed me."
Oh, no! What were those women thinking? Didn't they realize the dreadful risk they took by criticizing him? Now he's taken his ball(s) and gone home, and misogyny and gun violence are able to run free without this guy standing up against them.
Go away, sea lions! http://wondermark.com/1k62/
Exploring this i finally respected a break from my occupation. This post in a broad sense suited me several minutes of unwind up.
Exploring this i finally respected a break from my occupation. This post in a broad sense suited me several minutes of unwind up.
My ex-BF got Noam Chomsky to autograph a book. Then specially requested that Noam Chomsky’s wife also autograph the book, just because he’s that thoughtful of a guy. This was a few months after he dropped out of his PhD program, because he knew he could never write a dissertation perfect enough for this world.
I was the older woman.