They’ll be Friends forever, even if Matt LeBlanc and Matthew Perry didn’t make the guest list for Jennifer Aniston’s wedding to Justin Theroux.
“I think they’re a great couple. I think she’s happy. And that’s all I care about is that Jen’s happy,” LeBlanc, 48, told PEOPLE on Monday at a Television Critics Association press event in Los Angeles. “If she wanted me there, I would have been there.”
Perry, 45, also wished the couple well, and said he was happy Aniston, 46, and Theroux, 44, were able to pull off the surprise wedding.
“It was a surprise to me as well,” he said. “They’re a lovely couple, and I’m happy for them.”
Asked if he was sorry he missed the wedding, the star of CBS’s The Odd Couple replied: “I wasn’t invited. So what can you do?”
It is four and ten thousand years now since Jennifer Aniston spit out the Forbidden name of God and flew into the desert. Created from dust for the man Brad, she was unwilling to lie underneath him, claiming “I was formed from the same clay as you, why then should I bear up under you?”
And the Lord sent three angels of fire after her, and their names were Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof, and they found her lying in a cave, bearing grotesque children and baptizing them in blood. They commanded her to return to her lawful husband, but she refused, declaring “No man shall be my master, but all men shall be my enemy.” And she smiled a smile of her teeth, and the angels shrank to see it. The Lord created a new woman for the man Brad, of his own bone and his own flesh, and together they filled the world with its peoples.
As for Thatch-Hair Sadlady the Night Hag, the three angels named her Jennifer and Aniston and declared that from that moment forth, every day one hundred of her children would perish. Every night she claims the lives of one hundred mortal children to soothe her loss. That is why to this day, new mothers clutch their babies to their chests and utter these immortal words the world over, the same words the angels used to rebuke her:
O you who fly in the darkened rooms
Be off with you this instant, screech-owl
This instant, Lilith, thief and breaker of bones,
Hag and snatcher, I abjure thee.
And for four and ten thousand years has it been ever thus, until Jennifer Aniston, whose feet are as a hawk’s talons and who carries a scorpion between her legs, found a mate and a consort, and his name was Justin and his doom was red.
And the Lord sent his three spirits of fire to guard and to contain her, to repel her from the crossroads, to protect the sickly, the mothers of unborn children, the weary traveler from her attacks. And they were named Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof, but we knew them as Matt LeBlanc, and Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer.
Too late to stop the coupling, but they are bound to her by an old and powerful magic. How old the magic, Grandmother? Older than words. Older than thought. They were not invited, but still they will arrive, and the day will come when she is bound again to the night-places, to the zu-tree, when mothers can sleep easy and babies open their eyes in the morning. After the wedding comes the honeymoon.
Tags: celebrity fan fiction, fan fiction, jennifer aniston
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I want to live in a universe where all celebrity gossip magazines are written like this.
I kind of want this to be posted on AO3 as RPF and see what comments it gets.
oh my god
it’s all downhill from here, rest of the internet.
Mallory, you are a wonder. I only want to read your takes on celebrity gossip. This is the best thing I’ve read about celebrities since the Sexiest Man Alive post.
Yes! This is right up there with the Sexiest Man Alive posts! So weird and wonderful.
She always kept us guessing; we never seemed to know what she was thinking. When a fellow looked at her, she made sure her little eye was a-winking. We get confused cause we don’t know where J. stands, and then she smiles… and holds his hand.
I love it so much. So much.
And the new parents sing to their children “I’ll be there for you when the rain starts to fall,” to hide their fear and their dread.
This is so beautiful.
MALLORY I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE BACK
so wait David Schwimmer — also not invited? I’ve been thinking about this for the last 24 hours
Yeah, I’ve been wondering that too. Apparently, he doesn’t have anything to promote right now and thus isn’t appearing in the public, so they can’t ask him. AND WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
not that we needed any more evidence that the Abrahamics are absurdly misogynistic, but I never considered before the way Lilith appeared just by virtue of being a woman to be able to decide to generate dark young, just, y’know, off on her own. girls can just do that, I guess?
Well it’s a talent, you’ve got to really apply yourself
I think some traditions have Lilith procreating with demons instead of parthogenesis.
BTW, I just randomly googled “demon lover” and found a delightful Wiki entry about an old Scottish ballad called “The Daemon Lover”. Sample lyrics (A.L. Lloyd version):
Well I might have a king’s daughter,
And fain she would have married me.
But I forsook her crown of gold
And it was all for the sake, my love, of thee.”
“So I pray you leave your husband, dear,
And sail away with me.
And I’ll take you where the white lilies grow
All on the banks of Italy.”
“And this ship wherein my love shall sail
Is wondrous to behold.
The sails shall be of shining silk
And the mast shall be of red beaten gold.”
The article also quotes a NYT review of the illustrations for a modern edition, which is also wonderfully evocative:
… the design of Satan rushing down through the waves with the boat containing the faithless wife, is tremendous. Satan himself has one of the most graceful and beautiful human bodies ever drawn; the rhythm of the whole is thrilling, and the conventionalized waves are splendid.
I missed you, Mallory
Is it too late to change my name to Thatch-Hair Sadlady the Night Hag? My pen name, at least???
yes
mwahahahaha
On a related note, the NY Mag has a slideshow of the 50 Best Outfits from Friends: http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/06/50-of-the-best-ou…
Oh man, Theroux has it coming to him – didn’t Samael get castrated to prevent the world being overrun with Lilin?
Oh well, I’m sure a Leviathan will come along to help matters, they usually do…
I *really* want to send this to someone so that I can chortle with them, but I don’t think anyone in my life is weird enough to get it.
My current guy is weird enough, but not pop culture savvy enough. *sigh* At least we have each other?
I work in a bookstore and all I want to do is slip this into every copy of US Weekly or People magazine people buy (and by buy I mean sit and read for half an hour and then leave purchasing nothing).
DO IT
DOOOOO IT
“fan fiction”
Oh cool I didn't realize Jennifer Anniston had been legitimized in the eyes of God and TMZ
Looking forward to the first time she frowns in public next to her new husband so we can enjoy fresh new checkout line headlines like HEARTBREAK FOR JEN AGAIN WHEN WILL SHE GIVE UP AND KILL HERSELF ALREADY WE HAVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD
Might be a bit wordy though