Voicemails I Imagine Multimillionaire Megastar Leonardo DiCaprio Has Left With His Former Costars From TV’s Growing Pains -The Toast

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kirkleo“You’ve reached Kirk Cameron. Leave me a message. God bless.” 

Show me that smile again
(Oh, show me that smile)
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’
We’re nowhere near the end
(We’re nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin
As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin’ right in our hands
Baby, you and me
We gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’
As long as we keep on givin’
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine
All the time
We got each other
Sharin’ the laughter and love

Hey, Kirk [heavy sigh] It’s Leo again. Nardo. From television. Haha, remember that song? Sound familiar? Remember how when they played that song, there’d be, like, paintings of everyone in the family, and they’d sort of melt into one another, and it was like this cascade, this…just this continuous wash of family? Just connection, after connection, after connection, and we’d see everyone get a little older, so it was like we were growing up with each other…seeing ourselves in the future, kind of, but always anchored in the past, too. Like nothing could ever set anyone adrift.

Anyhow, I’m on a yacht right now, but I don’t know whose yacht it is. [inaudible] You remember that movie you were in, Kirk? Left Behind? They could have written it about me.

[singing] As long as we’ve got each other, right?

You don’t have to call me back if you don’t want to.

…Bye, Kirk.”


“Hi, this is Jeremy Miller. Sorry you missed me.”

“I miss everything, Jer. I’m used to it.”


“You’ve reached Alan. Leave a message.” 

“[heavy sigh] …I fucked it all up, Dad. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m on Jack Nicholson’s sex island, and the models who pilot the helicopter won’t let me leave.

You remember that movie Inception? And how at the end, the top is spinning, and you don’t know if it’s a dream, or if I’m going to wake up?

D–Alan, how do I know if I’m going to wake up?”


“You have reached the voice mailbox of Joanna Kerns. After the beep, please leave a message. When you have finished, you may press the pound sign, or hang up.”

“This is crazy. Would you tell me if this is crazy? I feel like Martin Scorsese keeps putting me in his movies as, like, a joke. Like it’s a dare, or a bet, or a…just like, a joke. You haven’t heard anything about this, have you? You would tell me. Someone would tell me, if it was a joke. Right? It’s not a joke. I don’t think he would keep doing it if it were a joke.”


“You’ve reached Kirk Cameron. Leave me a message. God bless.” 

“Remember episode five from season seven, Kirk? ‘The Young And The Homeless’? Where I ran away and you had to decide whether or not to go look for me or finish filming your first lines for that soap opera that was going to be your big break?

If I ran away now, would you find me?”

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