Ruth Scobie’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
If you were a lonely man in late eighteenth century London, “adapted to make a lady happy,” but too shy, busy, or damned chivalrous to actually speak to one, you could send an anonymous advertisement to a national newspaper appealing to the women you wanted to bang and/or marry. Posting an ad was quick – you dropped it off at the printer’s office, it was printed in a couple of days – and pretty cheap – around three shillings, or sometimes free. More importantly, it would give you the chance to explain to everyone your generous and honourable intentions, especially in contrast to the “intrigue, treachery and interest” of most men.
Less often, newspapers offered opportunity to pressure your beloved with poetry, chase missed connections with strange ladies at the theatre who had totally given you the eye over their fans, or publicly harass women who refused to see you. Almost all adverts only appeared once, suggesting that they were either very, or not at all, effective.
(You must have known, though, that a woman responding to one of these adverts was running huge risks, not only of physical assault, but of a public shaming which would be at best embarrassing and at worst life-ruining. Adverts promised secrecy, but she would have to take your word for it that they weren’t hoaxes or blackmail scams, or that you wouldn’t respond to rejection by making her name public. If she did say yes, a wife was legally subject to her husband and all her property automatically became yours – hence all the romantic interest in prospective fortunes. If she did agree to “dispense with the Marriage Ceremony” or live with you without marrying first, the loss of her reputation could make her social and economic situation even more precarious, since you could ditch her, and any children she might have had with you, whenever you wanted.) Also, your poetry was terrible.
A CHALLENGE to the LADIES.
A Gentleman, who is a widower, turned of thirty, and has estate of near 400l. per annum, has no children, and flatters himself that his person is not disagreeable, sends this challenge to any single lady, either maid or widow, from twenty years of age to thirty, and of an amiable, soft disposition, and whose fortune will command a settlement of 200l. per annum. Any lady that has courage to answer this advertisement, may, by appointing a place of interview, depend on the strictest honour and secrecy; or if any female friend of a lady, who has interest sufficient to bring about such an affair, may be assured to meet with a gentleman not in any way deficient in point of generosity. Any letter directed for M.B. at the Sword-blade coffee-house, Birchin-lane, shall be properly attended to.
To LADIES.
A Person, in an advantageous situation, having acquired a capital, and his character unexceptionable, would willingly change his condition in the matrimonial state. As the above representation can be testified, he hopes that the present mode of courtship, which is by intrigue, treachery and interest, will apologize for this method. As his intent and meaning are truly honourable, that lady who chuses to send a line for W.B. at No. 7, Blewit’s Buildings, Fetter-lane, Holborn, will be addressed to, or a personal application to her, or her nearest friend.
From the above recommendation, the advertiser flatters himself the lady may be endued with a small portion herself.
MATRIMONY AFFAIR
A Reputable wholesale Tradesman, near forty, whose character will bear the strictest scrutiny, free of all incumbrances, and every way adapted to make a lady happy, is desirous of entering into the matrimonial state, with a prudent good tempered lady, either maid or widow, from thirty to fifty, with a moderate fortune: but having little acquaintance with the fair sex, and not much time to waste in fruitless courtships, wishes to meet with a proper introduction to such a lady, for which he would make any lady or gentleman a suitable acknowledgement. A line directed to T.N., No. 14, corner of Castle-yard, Holborn, will be duly noticed.
A Gentleman, who has everything he wishes for but a female companion, thinks the addition of an agreeable one would make him completely happy; but it being almost impossible to judge (from common acquaintance) of anyone’s temper, disposition, &c. he proposes to some agreeable young lady, who wishes to know the man in whom she intends placing a lasting confidence, that she should live and board in his house until each should have a perfect knowledge of the other; which, proving satisfactory, would most likely be productive of perpetual happiness. As he means nothing but what is honourable, he has no objection to the lady’s mother or any other companion living with her. He is aged about thirty-five, and spends in his house about 500l. per annum. Address to M.Y. at Mr. Minns, taylor, in Surry-street, Strand.
To the LADIES.
A Young Gentleman, desirous of avoiding a promiscuous Connection with the Fair Sex in this Town, wishes to form an Attachment with some agreeable young Woman, who can dispense with the Marriage Ceremony. As this Gentleman will afford a Sufficiency for her Comfort and Happiness, he hopes none will apply who have not Figure. Not being well versed in Intrigue, he hopes the Lady will strike out some Means, by which an Interview may be had with Secrecy.
Letters directed to A.B. to be left at the Penny-Post, Curzon-street, May-fair.
If a Lady who sat on the third seat in the middle of the gallery in Drury-lane playhouse on Monday night, will favour Z.Z. with a letter directed in those letters, to be left at George’s coffee house, Temple-bar, and with the place at which she may be seen, she shall be waited upon by a gentleman who proposes nothing but the most honourable terms of marriage, if she be yet unengaged and unmarried. She was drest in a lustring night gown, with red and green stripes, the red going off in white on each side; she wore a black capuchin turned up with fur, a black hat, and cross barr’d muslin apron; she seemed to be between forty or fifty, of a pleasing countenance and expressive eye; she was accompanied with a young lady who seemed to be her sister, together with a gentleman in a claret coloured coat with brass buttons, and his hair in a bag. The favour will be most acceptable to the advertiser.
IF a LADY who on Tuesday night last sat on the fourth, and afterwards on the third row of the second front box, at Drury-Lane Theatre – will honour that Gentleman to whom she then silently conveyed such happiness, with her address, he will be sincerely obliged to her; if she will direct a note for E. with it inclosed, to be left at the Hotel Coffee-house, Covent Garden, it will be received by one whose desire of her acquaintance can be his only excuse for this public address.
To Mrs. L – WR – NCE.
WOULD ELIZA then cruelly silence the strain,
When the bard is unworthy her care; –
Deny him the last consolation of pain,
– Forbid him to paint his despair?
[etc]
Then useless no more, that in tears and alone,
He wastes the long night for thy sake;
Content – if you know that his heart is your own,
Tho’ that heart you may suffer to break!
– C – R – D.
To *******
I AM no stranger to the object that engrosses all your attention. Say, do they know your worth? Or if they do, are they capable of setting a proper value on it? – No. – For Heaven’s sake, if you have any regard for your future happiness immediately drop this connexion; it may disturb your peace and ruin your interest, but can never be of the least advantage. Friendship like ours should never be disturbed by an interloper. It was unkindly done to disappoint me five times last week of the happiness of seeing you. Let me beg and entreat you to dine with me to-morrow, at three o’clock, in P-t-street; then a scheme shall be laid before you which it is impossible you can have any objection to, except you are infatuated to your own destruction.
MARIA, let Remembrance, Shame, Fear, or any other more noble Motive, immediately grant me a Line from you, or by every Thing sacred and divine, Revenge shall obliterate my former Fondness, and hunt you headlong down to Destruction. – “Revenge from any other Hand but mine would be none; no, I will have ample Vengeance.”
*
1 Gazetteer and Daily Advertiser, 16 April 1770
2 Gazetteer and New Daily Advertiser, 28 October 1775
3 Gazetteer and New Daily Advertiser, 12 March 1776
4 Gazetteer and New Daily Advertiser, 15 September 1770
5 Public Advertiser, 5 March 1784
6 Gazetteer and New Daily Advertiser, 6 March 1767
7 Morning Post and Daily Advertiser, 15 February 1777
8 Morning Herald and Daily Advertiser, 7 May 1782
9 Gazetteer and New Daily Advertiser, 6 March 1767
10 Public Advertiser, 18 December 1770
Tags: history, misandry, nice guys, ruth scobie
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Wow, I had NO idea that personal ads (in essentially their current format) have been around for that long!! I would absolutely like to read more 18th century Missed Connections!
The 19th century has some good ones too: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/nyregion/thecit…
complete with missed connections: IF THE LADY WHO, FROM AN OMNIBUS, SMILED on a gentleman with a bunch of bananas in his hand, as he crossed Wall Street, corner of Broadway, will address X., box 6,735 Post Office, she will confer a favor. (March 21, 1866)
and too-secret admirers: THE LADY WHO CALLED UPON ME AT MY OFFICE on a Friday afternoon some four or five weeks ago, and left a note signed “You know who,” will please make herself known, as she is not recognized. (Oct. 21, 1865)
and very optimistic persons named Bruno: NIBLO’S, MONDAY EVENING – OCCUPIED Adjoining seats in parquet; repeated pressure of arm and foot and hands met when separating. – If agreeable, address Bruno, box 211 Herald office. (July 17, 1867)
I like the young woman who is clearly looking for a sugar daddy.
“A YOUNG LADY, COUNTRY BRED, BUT EASILY tamed and civilized, would like to correspond with a city gentleman, with a view to matrimony. It is necessary for him to be wealthy, and not less than forty years of age, as she would “rather be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave.” The advertiser is 21, and presumes her manner and appearance will recommend her to tastes not over fastidious; also a lady of position, and will expect replies from responsible parties only; therefore, triflers, take heed. – Address Matilda, Station D Post office. (Dec. 21, 1861) “
TRIFLERS TAKE HEED
YOU TRIFLIIIN GOOD FOR NOTHIN TYPE OF BROTHER
SILLY ME, WHY HAVEN’T I FOUND ANOTHER
Who knew Destiny’s Child had such historical precedent
TRIFLERS, TAKE HEED
“and too-secret admirers: THE LADY WHO CALLED UPON ME AT MY OFFICE on a Friday afternoon some four or five weeks ago, and left a note signed “You know who,” will please make herself known, as she is not recognized. (Oct. 21, 1865)”
This may be the best thing I have ever read. And I love the “I saw you on an omnibus”-style ones – it’s like a nineteenth-century Rush Hour Crush! http://www.buzzfeed.com/scottybryan/13-of-the-wei…
“To ‘you know who:’ No. No I do not know who. Please tell me who.”
One of my coworkers does not use names. Everyone is “you know who”. No. I don’t know who. Proper nouns are your friends. USE THEM.
Alternately, everyone your coworkers knows is actually Voldemort.
One of my coworkers goes by the nickname of “The Other One,” just because our boss had one of those noun blanks once when trying to come up with his name. It’s great as an in-joke, but as an affectation? Barf.
I like that it was four or five weeks before he placed the advert. Do you think he spent that time working through all of the women he could think of until he’d eliminated them all?
Where would he have gotten bananas in New York City in 1866? Greenhouses? Boat from Jamaica? And is “with a bunch of bananas in his hand” supposed to be veiled sexual innuendo?
“From the above recommendation, the advertiser flatters himself the lady may be endued with a small portion herself” is, I guess, 18th-c. for “no scrubs.”
Gentleman No. 4 is quite creepy. “Come live with me until we both decide we will be Perfectly Happy! No no, it’s like TOTALLY aboveboard and everything. I just want to KNOW you, man!”
No. 5 is worse. “I just want to have some sex and hopefully there’s a lady out there who can come up with a discreet way to meet, because it’s 10pm and I’ve had several glasses of claret and I just can’t come up with anything sufficiently clever any more.”
I have a different read on #4; he’s totally right that there’s no way to know whether you’re going to be compatible living with someone until you actually do it, and there was no socially acceptable structure for doing that in his time and place, which is sad. Still, even if her mother, her grandmother, and the Archbishop moved in with her to make sure “nothing but was was honourable” went on, I can’t help but feel such an arrangement would not have ended with her honor intact, which is also sad.
I find no.4 weird because I am totally on board with the idea that it’s good to get to know people and preferably live with them before marriage, but in an 18th-century setting my only reaction is NOPE.
a gentleman in a claret coloured coat with brass buttons, and his hair in a bag
I would like to submit a Missed Connections ad for THIS dude. “Saw you at the theater with your hair in a bag. Please write to N.S. at Harvard Square Starbucks and tell me why your hair is in that bag.”
Took me a moment when I read it. He was probably wearing his hair (wig?) in a bag wig, a popular mid-late century fashion. Basically a covered ponytail.
Perfect Mr. Collins usage.
I was JUST thinking of him for those at the start!
I really want to know what happened with Maria! Hopefully she left the country, or got a restraining order, or arranged for that guy to ‘have a little accident’.
Number 9 and number 10! Ahhhh! “Girl, luv me or u will be vry sorry…” Good heavens. RUN, MARIA.
MARIA, YOU IN DANGER, GIRL!
I actually yelled aloud “RUN MARIA!” when I read that notice. Eeep. Hope she was okay….
Wow, #6 really had an eye for ladies’ fashions. Wish he had been more descriptive about the hair in a bag, though.
He must have been taking notes from his seat. That is WAY too detailed.
Do you think that was standard heterosexual male knowledge at the time? It really was very detailed!
Regarding hair in a bag: “Except for a few locks around the forehead, the main part of the hair (natural or artificial) is brushed to the back to vanish into a black taffeta bag, the bourse. Later on, some people wore a pigtail wrapped in black fabric, modeled on the hairstyle of Prussian soldiers.
As with the ladies, wigs were more likely to be powdered than the natural hair, altough some wigs were not powdered at all. If you consider that the powder was made to stick to the hair with the help of oily pomads, it is only logical that the long hair did not just hang down in back but was stuffed into a bag or wrapped with a fabric ribbon: Anyone who has seen what skin/hair oil can do to the inside of a shirt collar would not want the same to happen to the outside of a (non-washable) silk suit.” http://www.marquise.de/en/1700/howto/frisuren/fri…
“…women’s hairdos were relatively harmless for most of the century.”
After that, they turned DEADLY
Now I’m thinking of that phenomenon where women went around with giant sharp hatpins to dissuade harassers.
Actually, it was even more macabre…
“7) Combustible Combs
Tortoiseshell-patterns have been coming in and out of fashion for so long that they’re now something of a classic. The methods used to make them, though, have varied wildly. At one point, tortoiseshell hair accessories were made from actual tortoiseshells. But then, in the late 1800s, a new celluloid compound was invented.
The new combs were cheaper and more easily made and quickly became popular. They were also, however, notoriously unstable and easily combustible. Critically, these celluloid combs didn’t even need to be directly exposed to a flame in order to combust. Simply being exposed to a heat source was enough to cause them to light up, and they were blamed for causing a number of fires, both in the factories where they were made and in the hands of consumers.
The combustion problem wasn’t just limited to combs, though. A number of other fashion products made out of the material — ranging from buttons to collars, even the occasional pair of dentures — experienced similar issues.”
http://io9.com/the-7-deadliest-fashion-trends-of-…
I think IO9 is just wrong about this…celluloid nitrate is quite unstable and (in film form as photographic and early moving picture film) was responsible for many terrible historical fires. However, I work with historical collections and have never heard of similar problems arising from it when it is in a cast, three dimensional form…the flammability is made much worse by the thin nature of the film. I can absolutely believe that factories casting objects from liquid celluloid would have gone up, but I have never heard any credible evidence that the resulting combs, buttons, etc. themselves are extra flammable. I have worked with celluloid hair and clothing accessories, toiletries (hairbrush and shaving brush handles), cosmetic sets, and with natural history specimens (like fossils) that were coated with it as a “protective” coating. No spontaneous combustion has happened in any of the museums/historic homes that I have worked in/heard of. Lots of those places have problems with high temperatures and the celluloid objects degrade like WHOAH, but no flames and no booms… “Are those hairbrushes/combs going to explode” is actually a pretty common question from the public…one of my favourites!
Only to their wearers. It’s almost as if it’s not a great idea to wear a 2-foot tall cage on your head, covered in ribbons, false hair, and other finery, in a room filled with candles.
Yep…highly flammable clothing and accessories over top of internal dress/hair structures that exceed your personal dimensions, by, like, several feet, would certainly improve the odds of your setting yourself on fire in rooms lit/warmed with actual flames. I think they used dry horsehair for padding out some kinds of clothing. That stuff would go up with a whoosh, I tell ya… The good old days…
Men were ready to make some serious commitments in those days – “you should come live with me, and hey, bring your mother, just to make sure I don’t try any funny business.” I know very few guys who would agree to live with their partner’s mothers under any circumstances.
Though I’m not sure what your average mother of the day would be able to do about the funny business. Better he should invite her to bring a pistol. Or a dog.
Read Birchin-lane as “Bitchin’ lane.” Which would be awesome.
“Where do you live?”
“1010 Bitchin’ Lane.”
Sword-Blade Coffee-House is pretty badass as it is though. Sword-Blade Coffee-House on Bitchin’ Lane would probably just be too sweet for the 18th century to handle.
Women advertised too, though less often.
I have been reading a lot of books about murders lately, and in one famous case (Maria Marten and the Red Barn) the murderer advertised for a wife after he’d killed Maria. It led one paper to write a little poem warning people to beware of men and women who were advertised in the same way that furniture and snuff were.
Oh no, poor Maria!
Oh, it was an awful case. Famous in my local area. She was a poor farmers daughter and she was pregnant by him. He tricked her to the red barn, saying he would marry her and take her away, and instead he killed her and buried her there. He told her parents they’d gone away together.
Instead he advertised for a wife, married one of his correspondents, and was caught a year or so later. There are books about it, and it’s given a lot of focus in The Invention of Murder, if you’re interested.
…which is a brilliant book and a lot funnier than the title might make you believe. Judith Flanders. I love her books, filled with facts and dry jokes. A bit like the Toast…
“To Mrs. L – WR – NCE”
He didn’t even try to conceal the identity of poor Mrs. Lowrunce!!
Last summer I vacationed in my Eastern European motherland. I saw the following handwritten ad taped to a utility pole in a park:
Looking for lady max. 40 years, single, with house, who wants to get married followed by a phone number. Brief and to the point! I wonder if he found someone. I took a photo of the ad, so I guess I could call and ask…
My parents have a summer place in a not-quite retirement community, and the newspaper there was filled with ads from “gentlemen” in their 70s who were widowed looking for a new wife to cook, clean, and take care of them. Similar to these, any woman would do.
When in my late twenties, a friend came to me with a warning. She said her middle-aged brother-in-law asked her to introduce him to me. She said she could not avoid doing it, but thought she should warn me. She said he planned to ask me out. She assured me he would never hurt me, but warned he wanted to find a woman he could marry so she could take care of him. She and I laughed over this ridiculous person, being of the same mind regarding him and his attitude.
I asked, and received, her permission to accept a first date and to use the occasion to give him blunt statements, leading with the fact that I don’t cook and refuse to try. I was planning to follow up with how much did he think it would cost to hire a housekeeper, cook, prostitute, and bookkeeper, and whether he thought that cheaper than supporting a wife.
He never did ask me out after the intro. My friend and I were so disappointed. Looking back, I should have asked *him* for a date. Just my asking likely would have scared the shit out of him.
These are all amazing!
From now on, I will respond to any unsolicited advice about my life with, “Sorry, I am infatuated to my own destruction.”
I have a strong suspicion that these, like modern singles ads, had a whole vocabulary that we’re missing out on.
The use of “scheme” in #9 encourages me to imagine that the writer has lost their heist-partner to a romantic dumbass and wishes to once again entice them to the dark side.
Unfortunately, “scheme” in British English just means “plan” without connoting anything unsavory or, you know, fun. 🙁
Er, British English is my native dialect. To be fair, “a scheme” could be perfectly mundane, carrying the connotation of schematics, whereas the action of “scheming” is definitely unsavoury and fun. Possibly it was more the similarity of “it is impossible you can have any objection to” to “an offer you can’t refuse” which prompted that thought.
That’s a much more fun interpretation than the one that SCREAMS to me that he is stalking her relentlessly and ignoring all discouragement. FIVE TIMES last week, he claims she stood him up? I can just imagine such commanding notes being sent — “I’ll see you at dinner night at that corner pub” — and then being outraged when she doesn’t show up.
Do you think if I go to Holborn or Mayfair tomorrow and leave a reply somehow it will travel back in time and I can correspond with these guys Lakehouse-style? Cos they seem like stand up fellas.
Quick, someone make a romcom about one of these dudes traveling to the present and being utterly confused by online dating!
“What is…a Craig’s list?” Must be an included line.
Might anyone be up?
It’s a sequel to “Kate & Leopold.”
I kind of want to post some of these to craigslist and see what happens, now.
I want a coffee shop named “The Sword-Blade Coffee-House”.
Specifying the annual income you want your intended’s fortune to bring in seems a little blunt. I suppose there was no point dancing around the subject, though.
Despite being a Fictional Character, I’m 100% sure that #4 is by Robert Lovelace.
he hopes none will apply who have not Figure.
What does this mean? Is it about boobs?
Yes. It is about boobs. They should be “two balls of snow, firm, self-sustained, and deliciously distanced”. http://historyofloveblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/29…
Oh cool, so squidging them together to form cleavage is a modern fashion?
Probably.
#5: Marriage is lame, but sluts give you the clap. Cool bro seeks hot, forward-thinking chick to shack up in secret love nest. No fatties.
P.S. I still live with my mom, so if you could figure out a way for us to meet in secret, that’d be baller, thx.
#10: “Maria, you stupid bitch, write me back, or I’ll hunt you down and murder the shit out of you. Love and kisses, a guy who loves you more than anybody has ever loved anyone else.”
Oh, it was an awful case. Famous in my local area. She was a poor farmers daughter and she was pregnant by him. He tricked her to the red barn, saying he would marry her and take her away, and instead he killed her and buried her there. He told her parents they'd gone away together.
Instead he advertised for a wife, married one of his correspondents, and was caught a year or so later. There are books about it, and it's given a lot of focus in The Invention of Murder, if you're interested.
Anyone else think, given #9’s insistence on using ‘they’ rather than ‘he’, that he’s particularly outraged because the person the lady is so unfairly spending time with when he wants to stalk her Mr Collins-style (five times a week!) is another lady? We can put dream. I hope she managed to ditch this loser and lived to a grand old age with the other woman as her ‘companion.’
Ha that would be awesome. “If you have any regard for your future happiness for heaven’s sake immediately drop this connexion” strikes me the 18C version of complaining about being friendzoned.
These all seem entirely above-board! I’m glad all men in the past were such fine gentlemen and not at all like the Craigslist Killer.
I’m kind of sadly heartened by the fact these guys weren’t only going after women in their late teens or early twenties? Like the widower isn’t prepared to meet women older than him, but is okay with them being his own age, the lady in the stripes was between forty and fifty and still knocking them dead. (Of course, the man writing the letter may well have been fully three thousand years old)
I don’t know, it seems counter to what we’re encouraged to believe about both female hotness generally and about the past. Like that stupid Esquire article about how ONLY NOW has a 42-year-old woman EVER been attractive.
Nah – your woman between 40 and 50 is going to die soon, without troubling you with children to provide for. Totally hot.
I kind of want to post some of these to craigslist and see what happens, now.
Any of them better than the Metro ‘Men seeking women’ ad I once saw. “Male, aged 50, likes football”. #comesoverallaflutter
Sophia McDougall, Kipling has a whole poem written as a seventeen-year-old wishing she were as sophisticated and attractive as a heartbreaker of forty-nine! It’s a little comic but not wholly, I think.
Thanks for sharing this great and very informative blogs.
Hi! Where did you originally find this image?