I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I wrote an essay about all the issues in the book. The books are fun but they are a mess on a sentence level. As long as I live, I will chuckle at the phrase “white pinot grigio.” The books are also a mess in terms of how they portray BDSM. They are a mess in terms of relationship dynamics, and how the novel frames controlling, abusive behavior as sexy and romantic. Still, there’s something about the books that work for millions and millions of people, so to each her own.
When producers announced the movie I was thrilled because the only thing more amusing than a hot mess of a book is a hot mess of a movie. Turns out, particularly given the source material, Fifty Shades of Grey was a stellar film adaptation. The actors did a fine job. The movie was shot well. The soundtrack was pretty excellent. The movie was also overly long and quite boring during the non-sex scenes of which there were many, but what can you do?
The movie opens with Christian Grey going for a jog because he is a lone wolf who believes in physical fitness. I’ll be honest—Jamie Dornan, the actor who plays Grey, simply doesn’t do it for me. That’s totally fine–he’s a model and actor and he’s doing well for himself. He doesn’t exist for my pleasure but my overall disinterest in his physical appeal certainly compromised the viewing experience–that, and well, all the major problems with the story. Whatever. After his run he gets ready for work. His closet is obsessively organized because, you know, control.
Meanwhile, in a land far far away (or about three hours by car), Anastasia Steele is getting ready to interview BILLIONAIRE Christian Grey because her BFF has a cold which is not the same thing as Frank Sinatra having a cold. Her BFF kind of insults Ana’s outfit and then Ana is off the Grey House in Seattle. Yes, Grey House. On the fancy floor where Christian has his office, there are also beautiful women in sleek dresses, high heels, perfect make up and their hair slicked back.
At first Christian is an asshole and sort of terse and Anastasia is awkward but then Christian becomes intrigued and has one of his slick ladies cancel his next meeting. That’s the way love goes. We’re supposed to be interested in Christian because he is rich and handsome and emotionally withholding but I’m forty and that no longer turns me on so at this point, I desperately wanted to stare at my phone for a few minutes.
Christian later shows up at Ana’s job (she works at a hardware store) and he buys some suggestive items including rope and a selection of items befitting a serial killer. He’s staying in town for vague reasons and Ana asks him to do a photo shoot for Kate which he agrees to and after the photo shoot he and Ana go out for coffee. She makes the mistake of telling him she’s a romantic because DUH, she’s a literature major. This does not sit well with Christian, no not at all. He suddenly stands and dismisses Ana, walking her to the street because he’s not the guy for her. (He’s not the guy for anyone but whatever, details.)
I am pretty sure most women would have kicked his ass to the curb at this point but Ana is young and innocent so she’s willing to tolerate his bullshit longer. Ana has her finals and she and Kate go to a bar to celebrate when all that school nonsense is dealt with. Ana over-celebrates and drunk dials Christian who gets all stern on the phone, demanding to know where she is. Ana is drunk so she can’t tell him anything useful. Christian, magically or creepily like a stalker, finds Ana, and separates her from an overly handsy friend with a crush because he’s a hero I guess? Eventually, Ana passes out, Christian takes her back to his hotel and when she wakes up, there are refreshments and aspirin! We should all wake up hungover to such luxury. Christian appears bedside, sweaty from ANOTHER run (dude, calm down) and there’s some banter and flirtation. I guess we’re supposed to believe they are one step closer to TWU LUV.
Oh hell. I can’t do this. Normally I recap the entire movie but I simply cannot recap this entire movie. Fifty Shades of Grey is ridiculous because the book is ridiculous. I had fun, I laughed, and during the sexy scenes I pressed my thighs together (see: bad feminist).
The absurdities, however, were oh so many. First of all, there’s Christian’s sex dungeon in his hideous apartment. I say hideous because the apartment had no personality and was mostly empty and cavernous. It was the apartment of the world’s most boring man and it’s offensive that this guy is supposed to be a catch. He is a billionaire and can’t even buy himself a personality and that’s just sad.
Anyway, the sex dungeon or the “Red Room of Pain” as Ana calls it, is the exact room a very rich, very unoriginal person would have if he was trying way too hard to play the part of DOMINANT MAN.
I’m a freak and I thought, “This is quite excessive.” I would make do if I had to spend time in that room, but it was way too much. We get it, Christian. You are a boy who likes his toys. (I will admit noticing that we have the same leather couch only his is red and mine is brown and mine isn’t in a sex dungeon though I do call it the sex couch.)
True dominance requires no accessories, though accessories can certainly enhance a given experience. Or so I hear.
I suppose that’s what’s most frustrating about Christian Grey in the books and in this first installment. Christian is not an interesting man. He doesn’t enjoy anything. I have no problem gallivanting about with someone who has issues and demons so long as they have some flavor, but Christian Grey is just bland and damaged. Throughout the movie Christian makes it clear he likes to be in control but he makes this known the same way he might tell you he enjoys pea soup. Ugh.
On their first real date, Christian picks Ana up in a helicopter. It’s like The Bachelor! Because this movie is so very subtle, before they take off, Christian straps Ana into her seat like he’s putting a baby in a car seat and if you think about it too hard, that is pretty much what’s happening.
After an excruciating amount of foreplay, at least an hour of movie time, and Ana and Christian are about to have sex for the first time, he presents her with the infamous contract that someone clearly found on the Internet. When he finds out Ana is a virgin, Christian is aghast, and just like the book, he grabs her and says he’s going to rectify her virginity situation. He rectifies her alright and the camera spends a curious amount of time on Ana’s breasts. The screening I attended was sold out and the audience was rapt but when this rectify moment happened, I guffawed. I laughed until there were tears in my eyes and I felt no shame at all.
From there, Christian becomes petulant, needy, and impatient because Ana won’t sign the contract and she has actual needs and desires she would like respected. The nerve of her! He continues to be the world’s worst boyfriend only he also comes bearing expensive gifts–first edition Hardy, MacBook, Audi, clothes. I guess Ana is supposed to swallow Christian’s bullshit because of all the gifts but it hardly seems worth it.
There is a very sexy spanking and sex scene in Ana’s apartment but then Christian ruins it by refusing to spend the night. He is the worst! Why would Ana continue to see him given that he is an asshole who has no personality or interests? It is all so very confusing.
There’s another incredibly hot scene in the sex dungeon involving rope and suspension and a crop. It was really well done and I am certain everyone in the audience was holding their breath because when the scene ended, the temperature in the theatre had risen and we collectively exhaled.
I took NOTES (for “research”).
Sadly, from this point on the movie, like the novel, goes from being absurd and amusing to depressing and damaging. Christian is increasingly controlling of Ana and her time. He is increasingly demanding in what he wants from her. All the while, Ana is pretty reticent to surrender her autonomy but also unable to stand up for herself. We’ve all been there. I’m not judging. It’s just really annoying to watch. For 124 minutes.
And then there is the “punishment” scene. Again, I am all for kink and consensually challenging limits and the like. This scene was just a mess. Everything about the scene is contrary to how actual BDSM is practiced. Foe one, punishment should not be given in anger. Christian was clearly deep in his sad man feelings and he should have never agreed to do the scene. Then he does it, and is utterly confused as to why Ana wants nothing to do with him when it’s over. Really? Sir.
Fifty Shades of Grey is a novel and a movie. It is not a documentary. It doesn’t need to be accurate. It does not need to be wholesome. It clearly doesn’t need to be good to succeed. It would be nice, though, if entertainment created to cater to women’s desires didn’t offer us such a morally impoverished “hero” with whom to be enamored. We cannot have it all in life but surely we can have it all in fantasy. Surely we deserve an imaginary billionaire handsome, dominant, kinky boyfriend who is not abusive, boring, bland, and tormented.
Also, Jax Teller would have been amazing as Christian Grey. FACT.
Tags: anastasia steele, bad boyfriends, christian grey, fifty shades of grey, girl leave him he’s not that interesting, product placement
I would be interested in finding out where one can purchase a reasonable facsimile of the Roxane Gay Sex Couch.
Also I look forward to seeing this in the cheap theatre and laughing with gusto.
YES, 50 Shades is going to be the best movie EVER when it gets to the Brew & View!
Oh man, I swore I was sick to death of Fifty Shades of Grey opinions but it turns out I just hadn’t read the right one yet. This. Yes. Perfect. Christian Grey is boring and his manpain is boring and he needs to buy himself a personality and a smile.
ETA: I keep mistyping “Christian” as “Christina”. Which…hmm, you know? Hmm.
here for it.
The afterellen writers had a whole thread about who should be cast in a theoretical f/f 50SoG, and it was beautiful. There were a number of good choices but the only one I remember is Gillian Anderson/Archie Panjabi, because I’m still bummed that The Fall walked right up to the edge with those two and then backed down. Also, Gillian Anderson would be an AMAZING Christina Grey.
Holy Christ. Gillian Anderson as a (non-abusive, non-creeper) Christina Grey is sending my latent bisexuality SOARING.
I mean
you guys
Jesus God, I can’t
Be still, my heart!
With that smirk?
Yes, please.
Somewhere on Tumblr, it was postulated that Charlie Hunnam woke, sweating, from a dream in which Raleigh Beckett stood in his doorway, looking sad and shaking his head, and that Hunnam barely took the time to put on clothes before canceling the 50 Shades gig.
A couple of folks in the kink scene did an in-depth writeup of the movie that complements this one well. Again, not really a recap, but it delves into a lot of the (sorry) knotty details of what the movie gets wrong.
I read a quote that was supposedly from Hunnam stating that he decided he couldn’t play the “romantic” Grey right after wrapping up his gig as the “psychotic” Jax. I laughed way too much at that because I thought it would have been more of the same?
Yeah.
Also lols that they literally got a guy fresh off of playing a serial killer in to fill role after CH bailed.
LOLS.
That was REALLY good and these two quotes sum up my entire issue with everything related to 50SoG:
So there’s a danger, because it’s MY FIRST KINK for so many people. If the movie doesn’t leave you thinking that kinky people are disgusting sociopaths who need saving, it leaves you attracted to a portrayal of kink that is DAMAGINGLY WRONG.
and
This movie backs up the idea of, “My boyfriend watches kinky, fucked up porn (and/or wants to try kinky shit); he must be really fucking scary on the inside.” For someone who doesn’t recognize porn as almost entirely fantasy, and has a lack of knowledge about BDSM and complex sexuality, Fifty Shades will validate ALL of their perceptions, in entirety.
I haven’t yet seen the movie (but I probably will as soon as it’s on netflix), but I read the book out of curiosity. My mom recently sent my sister and me this article written by a mom who hopes her daughters won’t get their ideas about relationships from the book/movie. Which I thought was kind of silly and patronizing, because since when do I base ANY of my ideas about relationships/romance on movies? I think everyone can understand how ridiculous the story is. Also UGH both of the characters are so unlikeable, I actually struggled to finish even the first book.
We’re supposed to be interested in Christian because he is rich and handsome and emotionally withholding but I’m forty and that no longer turns me on.. GENIUS
I’m 26 and that no longer turns me on. Woo.
I just had a thought: why am I opposed to Charlie Hunnam playing Christian Grey if I love him playing Jax Teller so much?
hmmmm…
I’ve had the same thought many a time – like, obviously I’d like to see CH partially naked again, now that SoA is over – but I am still relieved that he dropped out.
Thrilled I’m not the only one! I love naked Charlie in SoA (and wouldn’t mind it in the next Pacific Rim!), but him as Grey would have made me sad.
(Also, to clarify, I would like to see him completely naked, I just know what’s up at the MPAA.)
(Agreed)
so naked! such fun. But I’d rather see him on Vikings. (Am trying to make this happen, just in my head)
Thank you for articulating this so well, Roxane! Having not read the books, I was very confused upon seeing the movie as to what Christian Grey’s draw was supposed to be. I mean we’ve all been Dick Crazy before but the instant any guy interloped on a vacation to see my mother, he would be removing my fist from his throat.
I liked the A.O. Scott bit about how it makes sense for Grey to be bland in the books but not in the movie. I also like to imagine Dargis being like, “Hell no, Scott, you gotta do this one.”
The only way I would have seen this movie in the theatres is if Charlie Hunnam played Christian Grey, because UNF that man is pure sex.
A very NSFW Exhibit A in the comment below:
*fans self*
omg
I hovered my finger over this GIF for too long and a text box popped up asking if I wanted to report this for violating community standards. NOPE!
I would say that it adheres to community standards just fine.
this exemplifies community standards.
I
help
BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY
This was perfect Roxane, thank you. I read your essay in Bad Feminist about the books and this perfectly rounds it out. Also the accompanying pictures/gif are TIGHT.
This makes me want to watch the movie JUST for the sexy time scenes.
Kinda like I watched Julie and Julia just for the Meryl Streep Julia Child scenes. But sexier?
P.S. Fuck yes Jax Teller. Jamie Dornan visually bores me.
This past weekend I read an “Awkward Seal” meme on Reddit. The user described how his/her mom was so confused as to why the speakers in the theater were buzzing so much…sure….the speakers.
But I really do like pea soup.
Nice. I also read the books, for fun. As characters – albeit not billionaires – I would recommend Claire and Jamie Fraser from Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander and the Outlander series on Starz.
have you read roxane’s outlander recaps for vulture? they are hilarious and say exactly what we all think when jamie removes his kilt: “Praise Beysus”
Okay, was anyone else kind of PO’d that Ana is naked for half the movie, but the most we get of Christian is a zoom down to his pubic hair—then SIKE, the camera screeches away? (In fact, the editing in general was kind of abrupt and jarring IMO…) This a movie seemingly catered mostly to straight women and yet, you can’t even show part of a peen? I don’t get it. I mean, I realize this is a petty concern, and it’s not like I actually feel the need to see lots of nude junk in movies, but…it’s the principal / inequality of the thing!!! (This is also something that bothers me about like very HBO show ever—*cough* Game of Thrones. Way to not even pretend like you’re not catering to 18 to 24-year-old dudes only, per usual.)
There are SO MANY filmable peens on GoT and we can’t even get one!!! Agh!!!
Delurking because I can’t resist saying: we didn’t even get to see the one in the box!
I’m fine on missing the box-peen. What I would have liked was a scene from the books where Jaime Lannister appears “looking like a god”, ready for his bath. I’m not religious, but I make exceptions.
James Dornan is literally the worst guy they could’ve chosen. His eyes are deader than Mark Zuckerberg’s. I would have watched it with Charlie Hunnam, but I’ve only seen him in Pacific Rim where he plays a human golden retriever to Rinko Kikuchi’s Mako Mori. Although I’ve seen snippets of SoA so maybe he’s a switch 🙂
That is the best description of CH’s Raleigh vs CH’s Jax I’ve ever read.
Switchy Charlie Hunnam is now my headcannon.
The worst thing about Jamie Dornan playing Christian Grey is that it makes clear that this character and his character in The Fall are the same person, only we’re supposed to pretend one of them is romantic and hot.
Seriously, there’s a speech his Fall character gives about enjoying other people’s pain that really fits with every 50 Shades excerpt I’ve read.
I actually got pretty pissed during this movie but not for the usual reasons. It’s fucking disrespectful that Dornan is phoning it in like he’s too good for that shit while his costar brought her A-game and gave a great performance and managed to turn an extremely unlikeable character very sympathetic and even fun. So maybe Dornan is too good for 50 shades, I dunno, but he’s not too good for the money it just made him, though his costar does all the heavy lifting. Fuck that.
Agreed. She was delightful and charming, he was like a piece of cardboard with a riding crop.
Method acting?
Yes, can we talk about how Dakota Johnson is AWESOME? It had to be hard, but she manages to appear to be really into him. She is smart and kind of funny and sexy and her character doesn’t necessarily gel (she’s so self-possessed in the sexy conference room scene, but where is that girl for the rest of the movie??) but in each scene, she is 100% in whatever mental/emotional space we’re supposed to believe. I can’t wait to see her in something that deserves her talent.
i haven’t seen this movie (banned where i live), but i LOVED Dakota Johnson in Ben & Kate (are those the right names or am i confusing them with that divorced couple with a whole bunch of kids?). She’s great. i think she’s very funny in a subtle sort of way. i hope doing this movie helps her career really pick up – i’d love to see her take lead roles in more films.
I’m mostly just disappointed in him taking that role and not even trying with it when he managed to play a sociopathic serial killer as pure sex in The Fall.
Actually I feel like he did a very good job! He was just in a totally different movie than she was. She really labored to turn her character into, like, a real person, and he really labored to portray the character as written in the books… which just so happens to be, well, kind of a boring and inauthentic character. But, you know, faithful to the source material!
I’ve found a lot of the hand-wringing and moralizing about 50 Shades eye-rollingly patronizing (“hurry and warn the poor dumb women that their fantasy story is abusive and stalkerish just like almost all romance portrayed on film oh no!”) but this is a takedown I can get behind.
Ooh, I’m glad this is here because I’ve been trying to find that blog that girl did where she went through all of the books painstakingly and talked about everything wrong with it…but I can’t for the life of me remember what it’s called. I believe the comments section here is where I first found it, so….help?
The Pervocracy?
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/p/fifty-shades-of-…
Yes! Thank you!
I am no more surprised by the success of this movie than I am by the success of “American Sniper”. The same demographic that’s swooning over the big brave muslim killer are swooning over the big bad virgin-spanker.The aptly named Christian (“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”Ephesians 5:22-33) will be tamed by the virginal Anastasia, who will marry him in a church and bless him with a quiverful of children. Same conservative crap, different day.
The gif/pic accumulation in this article is nearly as perfect as the article itself.
I watched Mary Gaitskill’s “Secretary” last weekend. Similar themes except: Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader. Suited my vicarious D/s needs just fine. But I knew I’d enjoy Roxane’s take on 5sog.
I don’t know, man. Law school so far is treating me only slightly worse than Christian treats Ana in the books but I’m pretty sure there’s not going to be an Audi or a first-edition Hardy to go along with all the abuse.
I want to goad and cajole a b/f (who is a sadist and a very nice dom) into watching 50 shades with me when HD quality release becomes available for home consumption
Dear internet, should I bring tequila, or should I treat watching this stuff as a kinda-sorta BDSM scene in its own right, and refrain from alcoholic beverages ?
a very naughty one at that
Oh, "subtext", I see 😉 …
Anyway, pizza is a universal good, so bon appétit !
Is part of your point seriously that she's "old"? I'm trying to understand what the tantrum is about here.
I… what? Did you read that entire sentence or did you cherry pick a single word?
Amen.
exactly. exactly. exactly. 🙂