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Home: The Toast

The original, and the replies, for context.

Christopher Marlowe

Fuck this, let’s just go live in the woods.
I don’t need anything, and you don’t need anything
Either, just each other and some trees. Right?
We’ll make, like, a Cave House, and watch
shepherds take care of their sheep, like chumps.
Babe, it’ll be so awesome, I promise.
We’ll sleep on flowers, and also wear them
You can bring your slippers if you get cold.
I just love you and also being outside.

Sir Walter Raleigh

WOW, YOU DUMB SHEPHERD. Uh, idiot much?
Ever heard of a little thing called WINTER?
Also, you would probably both drown, so.
You can’t even WEAR flowers for clothes.
THEY WILT, MARLOWE. Everyone knows that.

Christopher Marlowe

No, I know, it’s just like, you know, poetic license?
Like, it would be great if you didn’t have to work
and could just live outside with a babe?

Sir Walter Raleigh

BUT HOW WOULD YOU KEEP WARM

Christopher Marlowe

We could wear, like…a sheep hat.
That’s not the point. Also, it’s May.
It’s more like, wouldn’t it be great if –

Sir Walter Raleigh

Well, sorry to break it to you, but people DIE.
You can’t just live in a sex field with nymphs.
We live in a society of RULES, and also DYING.

John Donne

YEAH, YOU DUMB IDIOT. WHAT ABOUT THE FISH.

Sir Walter Raleigh

what

Christopher Marlowe

yeah what

John Donne

I thought this poem was about fishing.
Is it not about fishing?

Sir Walter Raleigh
No –

Christopher Marlowe

I mean, maybe a LITTLE –

John Donne

Well, maybe if you made it about fishing, she’d have sex with you.

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