Nicole has given up on her edict about not running any more Harry Potter pieces. It is what it is.
Abstract
Over the century since its creation, the Periodic Table of Elements has been studied almost as much, if not more, comprehensively than the Harry Potter universe. It is far past time that the two academic schools of thought were combined.
Introduction
In the Twentieth Century, a system of organising subjects into a simple order was invented. It quickly caught on, and has since become a worldwide shorthand for summarising complex information.
The system is, of course, the Hogwarts Houses of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. They were created by J. K. Rowling in 1997, when they were originally published as ‘fiction’ in the Harry Potter series. The Houses have since been reclaimed as a social tool.
In transferring over to the real world, the sorting system has become so much more than just fictional boarding school Houses. The Houses are a personality type; a Buzzfeed quiz; a political affiliation; an allegiance stronger than blood; and for some people . . . a way of life.
Almost as famous as the most important invention of our age was the development of the Periodic Table of Elements in 1869 by the chemist Dmitri Mendeleev. The table orders atomic elements into groups based on their characteristics, behaviours and interactions. Similar, some might say, to the Hogwarts Houses.
So, how do the two systems compare? Is it possible to combine them, to create one perfect, hyper-efficient organisational tool? This publication will present a hypothesis for the possible structure of this type of system.
Method
The procedure is simple: what happens when you mix, for example, a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? The same thing that happens when a Group 1 and Group 7 element react: explosions. Violent, but very cool, explosions.
Following careful analysis, here follows a ground-breaking proposal for a possible “Table of Houses”, designed for the use of chemists and Harry Potter fans everywhere.
Results
Slytherin – Alkali Metals and Alkaline Earth Metals
The groups on the far left of the Periodic Table, like Slytherins, are easily excited. It takes very little to set ‘em off. In particular, they react extremely aggressively with the following:
Gryffindor – Halogens
These are useful occasionally, but in general they are pretty harmful – especially in high doses. They are particularly clique-y, and tend to travel in pairs. Very competitive amongst themselves.
Fig. 1: Slytherin in green, Gryffindor in red
Ravenclaw – Transition Metals
These are very impressive and shiny at first glance, and pretty strong. They generally need some sort of catalyst to force them to change their behaviour. They are reliable and useful in day-to-day life.
Hufflepuff – Noble gases
These are always . . . around. They know everyone, but they are so laidback they never seem to get in any kind of conflict. They just kind of, you know, hang out.
Fig. 2: Ravenclaw in blue, Hufflepuff in yellow
Additional categorisations:
Professor Albus Dumbledore – Hydrogen
These get involved with everything and everyone. They can be problematic but they are generally needed, and keep everything running smoothly. Works closely with the following:
Professor Minerva McGonagall – Nitrogen and Oxygen groups
These are the catalysts that get things going. They are essential for life, and everything would fall apart without them.
Giant Squid – Lanthanides and Actinides
These are very mysterious. You hear a lot about them, but they never seem to do much. It’s never really made clear where they came from. They can’t survive in air, generally.
Fig. 3: Dumbledore in purple, McGonagall in green, the Giant Squid in grey
Durmstrang – Boron group
These can bond with some Gryffindors/Halogens (especially those with bushy hair and high intelligence) but may react explosively with others. They all look very similar physically, and while they seem tough, they are surprisingly soft.
Beauxbatons – Carbon group
These are silvery and beautiful. Very stable, and a lot stronger than they look. They often gather huge numbers of followers. Very adaptable.
Fig. 4: Durmstrang in brown, Beauxbatons in blue
Conclusion
It is obvious that the Periodic table divides up easily, logically and completely, absolutely naturally into the fictional universe of the Harry Potter series. This discovery has vast potential in and out of classrooms, perhaps as a Chemistry study aid or as a new form of insult. “Urgh, you’re such an Alkaline Earth Metal!” people might soon say, in the same way they would accuse someone of acting like a Slytherin, or a Giant Squid.
Excuse the lack of modesty, but this may even herald the beginning of a new era and a startlingly original way of thinking. Maybe this day will be recorded for years to come as the beginning of . . . Pop Culture Science.
If there are any comments or corrections to this paper, please submit your comments in the format of an academic peer review, under COPE guidelines.
Tags: books, humor, lauren james, science
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Brilliant, and 100% correct.
Considering that my laptop wallpaper is an actual periodic table of Harry Potter characters, I find this highly relevant to my interests. Very pleased to find myself a noble gas, tbh.
This is one of those articles that just gets me! Hooray, and well classified!
Pure genius. The giant squid is the unsung hero of the HP books.
This is GLORIOUS.
Does anyone else mentally categorise absolutely everyone into Hogwarts houses, including friends, stuffed animals and Fury Road characters? (Not out loud obviously, I don’t want to offend my friends if it turns out they totally hate Gryffindor, or something).
OOooooohhhh I really want to hear your Fury Road analysis.
Same!
So, I reckon Furiosa is probably a Gryffindor with a Slytherin streak.
Max is a Hufflepuff (family-oriented; brave when it comes to defending people he cares about, rather than bravery for it’s own sake?), or possibly a reluctant Gryffindor. I’m not sure, I haven’t seen the other films.
Angharad is totally a Gryffindor – she’s headstrong and bossy and like “I have a plan, let’s all do the plan”.
Capable is a Hufflepuff – she’s loyal, empathic and concerned with fairness.
The Dag could be a Hufflepuff. She’s very protective of chosen family (like Cheedo). But she also has Ravenclaw eccentricity.
Toast is probably a Gryffindor. She’s brave, and can load guns, and when Max waves a gun at her threateningly she’s just like “whatever bro”.
I’m not sure about Cheedo. Her tricking Rictus at the end of the film in order to help Furiosa (despite how scared she is) is very much a Gryffindor thing to do, and also something a Slytherin would do?
Immortan Joe is totally a Slytherin. I think Rictus might be a Hufflepuff though if you ignore the creepy ableist comics, and if he weren’t in an environment of toxic masculinity (he’s really sad when Angharad miscarries his brother). And Nux is probably a Hufflepuff.
What do you think?
Ravenclaw here, speaking with Ravenclaw-bias but I’m right because we’re the smartest:
– The Dag is a motherfuckin’ Ravenclaw, sorry – quirky and weird and clever. Also Ravenclaws 4 Lyfe —
– All of the grannies cuz they’re brilliant and funny as hell. No Gryffindors would be able to keep a sense of humor in this environment (see: Max, Furiosa)
-The Doof because he’s wicked talented
Everything else checks out, carry on.
Hah, yeah, the Vuvalini are totally Ravenclaws! And I was torn between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff for Dag.
Oh man, I totally do this. In my dissertation acknowledgments I think I’m going to sort my committee members into their Houses (because hardly anyone reads the acknowledgments).
Always! I recently watched Community and realised, to my slight horror, that almost all of the main characters were probably Slytherins. (I still love them.)
PLUS: halogens have antiseptic properties, making them particularly helpful for cleaning out death eaters
Brilliant! You’re hired for my HP science study guide series.
Hooray! * Tents fingers* I have many thoughts related to science and Harry Potter!
CAN I HELP. I have a lot of ~thoughts~ about magic and the brain (I have written fic about it, no joke)
PLEASE GO AHEAD.
“Professor Albus Dumbledore – Hydrogen
These get involved with everything and everyone. They can be problematic but they are generally needed, and keep everything running smoothly.”
Accurate.
Peeves would definitely be sulfur, because it’s smelly and reactive, which works well with Peeve’s penchant for stink bombs and destruction.
Gilderoy Lockhart is pyrite (aka fools gold), which I know is a compound and not an element, BUT IT STILL WORKS!
Slughorn would be silicon because he also forms complex molecular chains (NETWORKING and NEPOTISM!)
Luna would be bismuth because it’s very colourful, stable and can help with treating indigestions (it’s in pepto bismol!)
Tom Riddle would be mercury because it’s initially so fascinating. It’s liquid, super dense and fun to play with, but then you find out it’s SUPER TOXIC and you die.
This is PhD worthy stuff right here.
MOAR HARRY POTTER PIECES
What about Umbridge? Anyone got a spot for her?
Plutonium – seems useful if temperamental, but if you combine her with anything else she explodes and a lot of people suffer