• Truffle Babybel.
• Potato chip-crusted manchego.
• A full block of whatever they use for Cheetos.
• Smartfood white cheddar popcorn inside white cheddar.
• A cheese that would tell you if you’re actually lactose intolerant or if you just eat a cup of cheese per sitting so of course your stomach hurts.
• Something with the texture of sharp cheddar but the flavor of American cheese.
• Cheese that shows you exactly where and how to cut it because even if you know that rounds are cut into wedges and wedges are cut so the nose is reserved invariably you wind up with some weird shaped thing at the end.
• Those yogurt whips things that were really whipped mozzarella. (Wait this just means I want to eat a tub of ricotta nevermind.)
• Ricotta that came in the little yogurt containers for snacking.
• Garam. Masala. Ricotta.
• Velveeta queso dip that didn’t start to congeal 30 seconds after you take it out of the microwave.
• String Brie.