How To Tell If You Are In A Lai Of Marie De France -The Toast

How To Tell If You Are In A Lai Of Marie De France

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on September 15, 2015 in How To Tell If You’re In a Novel

Your narrative shifts from past to present to past again for no discernible reason.

You have managed to convince your husband you were not cheating on him by showing him a bathtub. You are also cheating on him. Everything works out.

You are a rooster that has a deeply complicated personal relationship with an emerald you found in the dirt.

You are, frankly, belaboring your point.

You’re having an affair and it’s wonderful.

You’re having an affair and it’s terrible.

You’re having an affair and your husband throws a dead bird at you, bloodying your breasts, to let you know that he knows you’re having an affair. This is the only time the two of you will ever discuss it.

You have never been in love, and you die on a mountain. The spot where your body fell will later become known for growing beneficial herbs, so it all evens out.

You are in South Wales against your will.

You can only fall in love at the command of a dying deer.

Queen Guinevere is acting totally non-canonically towards you.

You have been betrayed by a base chamberlain.

You do not understand how twins are made.

Something terrible happens at Pentecost.

Near you live four young barons, whose names cannot be told. They are all in love with you, but you cannot bring yourself to choose one. Then three of them die for love of you, and you are too sad to do anything but cry at the fourth. The two of you write a sad song together and never have sex.

You have prepared two bathtubs for your husband and your lover; one is filled with warm water, the other with boiling water. You forget which one is which.

Your married girlfriend gave you a dead bird as a token of her neverending love for you. You carry it with you always.

You only travel in ornately designed yet mysteriously-unstaffed ships, or by running through the woods in your wolf-form.

Your mysterious boyfriend proves to you that you can trust him by taking on your appearance and receiving Communion in front of you. This brings you no end of joy.

If anyone hates you, it’s only because you’re so beautiful. And you can’t help it if you’re beautiful.

[Image via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (26)

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+32 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 497 weeks ago

You have never been in love, and you die on a mountain. The spot where your body fell will later become known for growing beneficial herbs, so it all evens out.

Life goal.

Seriously though, where was this two years ago when I had to write (and rewrite) the essay of doom about these? Something, something affairs and something, something women and 'monstrous' births and something, something subtext in Bisclavret.

+16 Vote up Vote down

Munchlette_Belle · 497 weeks ago

Seriously though, what was Marie's problem with Guinevere? Just because Lanval is too good for adultery and courtly love doesn't mean he's better than everyone else. Curse you, honor/shame culture!!!

+40 Vote up Vote down

jenavira 117p · 497 weeks ago

Queen Guinevere is acting totally non-canonically towards you.

If only.

+63 Vote up Vote down

Julia Lambert · 497 weeks ago

I...I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe my undergraduate thesis in French literature of the Middle Ages is allowing me to get internet jokes. I thought Chretien de Troyes would be a one-off of this genre, but LO, IT WAS NOT. YAAAAY! BRING ON MARIE DE FRANCE!

+28 Vote up Vote down

leslieellenjones 109p · 497 weeks ago

Moral of the story: birds: stay away from Marie de France. Especially if she's in the middle of writer's block.

+22 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 497 weeks ago

I feel like a lot of this crosses over amazingly effectively with Every Southern Gothic Novel Ever.

Also, this is complicating my Lisa Simpson-swiped mantra of "Calm down, it's just a bird thing, you don't control the birds, you will one day, but not now." Bird Thing = srs bzns.

+23 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 497 weeks ago

You guys, I get so excited about Bisclavret that I can't even. SO EXCITED.

9 replies · active 497 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

allisonmargaret 116p · 497 weeks ago

ME TOO it's so bonkers, I love the weird jumps in logic it takes. "My pet wolf really hates this couple CLEARLY THEY'VE WRONGED MY PET WOLF" and when the wolf won't put on pants, it's not because it's a wild animal, it's because he's shy. Also all the kids born without noses. Oh, Marie.

+16 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 497 weeks ago

And it's part of a really fascinating shift in werewolf mythology! It's also cool to watch how the Fair Unknown, usually some random dude who turns out to be a prince (and they can tell by his regal mien and great beauty, natch), is a wolf here. There's so much going on!

+10 Vote up Vote down

allisonmargaret 116p · 497 weeks ago

Oooh tell me more - I'm not super familiar with other Medieval werewolf lore in France/England beyond Guillaume de Palerne - I'd love to read more though, I love werewolves, have you got any other recs?

+9 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 497 weeks ago

It's been a few years, but I'll try and find my thesis and see what sources I used. Scholarly writing on Medieval werewolf lore is shockingly thin on the ground, but I've got some good primary sources, and a few books (most of which refer to the same source material, but what can you do).

+5 Vote up Vote down

allisonmargaret 116p · 497 weeks ago

That sounds like the coolest thesis!! Would love to hear more!

+27 Vote up Vote down

TimTamGirl 110p · 497 weeks ago

'Scholarly writing on Medieval werewolf lore is shockingly thin on the ground'

And our winner for Toastiest Comment of the Year is...

+10 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 497 weeks ago

Previous scholars were cowed by their fear of looking like nerds in front of their peers, and so did not give in to their deep desire to study the history of monsters. This is my only explanation for why, given that literature students can write about *anything*, so few have chosen to write about awesome shit like werewolves.

+10 Vote up Vote down

FewerDahlias · 497 weeks ago

Gillian Bradshaw wrote an awesome version of Bisclavret called "The Wolf Hunt" -- then again, I'll read anything with a heroine named Marie Penthièvre of Chalendrey...

+4 Vote up Vote down

janekathy1 97p · 497 weeks ago

I was just trying to remember what it was that I read with the guy who turned into a wolf in Middle Age-y times.. and here it is! Toasties = the best

+30 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 497 weeks ago

IDK who this Marie de France is, but she sounds pretty fuckin' metal. Wolf-form galloping is my new preferred mode of travel.

+13 Vote up Vote down

WhatteTheSwyve 35p · 497 weeks ago

Aghhhhhhhh, Marie de France, my favorite! I dressed up as Mrs. Bisclavret one year for Halloween. Between this and Dirtbag Beowulf, this is the best day ever.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Mags · 497 weeks ago

Not gonna lie, I squealed like an overexcited four year old when I saw this post. It's everything my medievalist nerd heart ever desired.

+8 Vote up Vote down

Dorothy Gilbert · 497 weeks ago

The people who died on a mountain in Marie's story were devoted young lovers! But he didn't have the sense to drink his strengthening drug--he thought he had to conquer the mountain himself, so he died, and then she died of grief.
As a translator of Marie's works I'm thrilled that she's getting this attention. I wish I could have seen Mrs. Bisclavret on Halloween!

+6 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 497 weeks ago

Something terrible happens at Pentecost.

In the woodshed?

2 replies · active 489 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

TimTamGirl 110p · 497 weeks ago

I believe that was 'something narsty', not something terrible. But probably also at Pentecost, yes.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Fleurdamour · 489 weeks ago

Hence why their heads caught on fire.

+4 Vote up Vote down

rapunzel · 497 weeks ago

You are in South Wales against your will.

Brrrrrr, that truly IS the stuff of nightmares...

+4 Vote up Vote down

Mrs_Peel 117p · 497 weeks ago

Welp, I have some reading to do, obviously.

"You do not understand how twins are made."

I didn't pay that much attention in 9th grade biology class, so this is basically true.

+7 Vote up Vote down

ScriptioPlena 122p · 496 weeks ago

Not just any dead bird, but a nightingale wrapped in samite and sealed in a jewel-encrusted gold box. Now that is some serious dead bird bling.

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