The Bartender’s mother lives far far away from The Bartender. She cooks amazing food and sends pictures that inspire wistfulness and melancholy. And also thoughts of Fall and Thanksgiving and winter films. Which is to say The Bartender is grateful for so very much. And thanks you for being You, dearest Toasties. Open-thread!
toasties, it has been a fucking whirlwind of a week. like friday-to-friday nonstop just…emotional happenings. i might be making a huge mistake but i can’t help but feel happy?
in other news, i finished the age of innocence and it hit me like a truck. what have you been reading/listening to/watching lately that’s had a crazy effect on you?
I’m 10 years late but I just started black Mirror and it’s the sci fi/satire show of my dreams. I’ve never been able to do anthology shows because my favorite part of a tv show is seeing the character development over several episodes/seasons, but it’s hella plot driven and I’m down for it
Bowden’s reporting on the cartels. I now have to ration it because it gives me nightmares.
I am here to talk about Age of Innocence! It is my favorite Wharton novel and one of my favorite books, period. I even liked the Scorcese film, which my then-boyfriend fell asleep during, but which I was mesmerized by because you could see the actual lines of the actual novel playing across the actor’s faces in a series of delicate wincing expressions.
So, tell me what it was like to be hit like a truck by it.
i am going to watch the movie soon! it was weird because even though i haven’t seen the movie, i imagined the actors as the characters, so all the descriptions of ellen as dark and may as fair were…a little confusing.
it just hit very close to home. and edith wharton’s prose is just…gorgeous. it was just such a helpless situation! aghhhh
Aw man I read House of Mirth a while back and it also destroyed me. Also like a trainwreck in slow motion that you wanted to stop but just couldn’t.
Oh I know! And so unfair for everyone to make assumptions and gang up on them! And so hopeless and sad, and yet their lives went on anyway!
Killer line that I still think about literally all the time:
“I want—I want somehow to get away with you into a world where words like that—categories like that—won’t exist. Where we shall be simply two human beings who love each other, who are the whole of life to each other; and nothing else on earth will matter.”
She drew a deep sigh that ended in another laugh. “Oh, my dear—where is that country? Have you ever been there?” she asked
ugh yesss. and “The real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!”
I went to look up a quote from AoI to make a comment here on the Toast a couple weeks back. That book is so amazing it sucked me into rereading the entire novel ON MY PHONE over the next few days.
I have seen the movie several times and read it before, but I think something about being older and how does one say, in a more Archer stage of my life, made it hit home particularly hard this time. I also had not remembered from previous readings what a feminist novel it is…the love story I remembered but what struck me this time is how much of that storyline emanates from Archer’s longing for a relationship of equals and the realization that that is not possible in the particular “country” he inhabits.
Tldr: I also really enjoyed the way this novel ripped out my heart, if that makes sense.
yes, like before he even realizes he has feelings for ellen, he has that outburst, about women being allowed to have the same freedoms as men. at that point i was like, yesssss angsty denial of attraction AND feminist leanings.
Yessss. I also read his paternalism towards May and her “education” as being a naive part of that desire for someone who can take part in the life of the mind he envisions for himself, something I feel like I missed the first time I read it. His falling for Ellen seems to stem from the fact that she’s an independent, intellectual person who can take care of herself, which is sort of revolutionary for a book from this time period….
right, like…it’s not perfect. like when may and newland are married, and he takes to reading history in the evening because if he reads poetry, may will have opinions on it that displease him, i was rollllling my eyes, haha.
it’s interesting, especially, to think of it was a book published in 1920 about a past nearly 50 years gone.
Agree! The parts that I found most eye-rolly were in the first chapters, when he talks about taking responsibility for May’s soul and how he needs to mold it…which just, talk about not knowing the person that you’re going to marry AT ALL. Enjoy the next 100 pages where you come to the realization that her will is much stronger than yours, and it is she who will be molding you into the spouse she wants.
Although like I said above, I had a lot more sympathy for him on this read through. While I definitely wanted to smack him during those passages, I also saw them as the expression of a very young man’s desire to find someone with whom to share the things he cares about–expressed through the patriarchal language he’s been brought up with. Much of his longing for Ellen is very nebulously described…I would argue because he doesn’t have the language to say that he wants her because she is strong and independent, so he falls back on Victorian idioms like “fascinating” and “bohemian.” The not wanting to read poetry with May I also saw as his having realized that she would only parrot what she thought he wanted to hear about it…although it is certainly mad patronizing!
Slogging through “Wings of the Dove” by Henry James. I hit page 200, nothing had happened but I kept going, mainly because if I know if I stop and then decide six months down the road to try it again, I’ll have to re-read those goddamn 200 pages. I’m almost halfway through, FINALLY people are talking to each other, but they still ain’t doing much except being cryptic and indirect. I might have to cut my losses and stream the movie on Netflix this weekend.
I watched Ida and it broke me. One of the most gorgeous movies to just bask in, but the story about post-WWII Poland and one novice nun in training’s crisis of faith is just totally entrancing and brutally sad.
oh, i remember seeing the most gorgeous stills from this movie last year! i ought to watch it soon.
I read The Age of Innocence last year and actually cried when talking about it to my therapist, so there is that.
I recently listened to Sonia Manzano’s interview (Maria on Sesame Street!) on Death Sex and Money and that nearly destroyed me. She is awesome and super real and grew up in the Bronx. It was like my childhood talking to me but the nice parts!
This is kind of a side note, but “80 Books No Woman Should Read” by Rebecca Solnit was great.
yes! i saw that in the link round-up yesterday and it was great. rebecca solnit always delivers!
I’ve been listening sort of obsessively to an old folk music group (because I’m turning into my parents now) Bok, Muir & Trickett. Here are the times songs they do:
1. Melancholy songs
2. Uplifting songs in response to Melancholy
3. Seafaring songs
It’s like the ambient noise version of my dream spinster life in my dream spinster cottage. So obviously, it’s the perfect music for coping with November. Here’s a quite good one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU1FUgcv1Lc
I go to pub sings once a month, and Turning Towards the Morning was one of my favorites we did in the last few months. /happy sigh
what have you been reading/listening to/watching lately that’s had a crazy effect on you?
I watched Mad Max: Fury Road in June and there literally has not been a day since when I haven’t thought about it. It’s alarming.
This has been a particularly hard week for me (lol every week is hard! But seriously 2015 can go away any time now). Let’s have a really good lighthearted thread. What is your favourite SMELL? Do you have a weird smell you can’t stand?
I have like a zillion. Lilacs. The smell of frying cabbage rolls and cabbage. (I know. Don’t judge.) Sharpies. The smell of my husband when he comes home from work (so….sweat. I am a gross). “New book smell.” Thunderstorm smell. Fir. Artificial watermelon scent. Ocean and lake air. Truly weird: I love the first scent of a grocery store that’s all produce and baked goods.
I loathe the smell of lavender. I also can’t stand roses and lilies (they smell like funerals to me). I also really have a thing against candles that smell like food products (I get upset if the house smells like brownies and there are no brownies to be had!) Or vanilla. I am REALLY hard to buy candles for.
Lilac has always been my #1 fav smell. And I don’t hate lavender, but it definitely isn’t as good as lilac and I feel like most people gravitate more toward lavender and I DON’T GET IT.
Yes WHY? WHY is lavender such a default smell? It smells musty and dirty to me.
My mom has this lavender soap and it just smells like baby wipes to me.
This used to be 100% my feeling between lilac and lavender, but then someone fed me white chocolate lavender ice cream (!!!) and I’ve been a huge lavender fan ever since. But I feel like there’s a difference between like, mass-produced lavender soaps and lavender teas etc. I like the small batch scent better. (I know this is a hipster thing to say.)
I still wish there were more lilac everything in the world though, don’t get me wrong!
No, it’s totally legit! Actual stuff made with lavender oil smells different than the synthetic stuff. (I love the former and hate the latter.)
I also love lilac! And lavender is definitely not the same. Bath & Body Works introduced a lilac home scent (oils, candles, diffusers, etc.) and it was like I was back in my childhood home.
I love the smell of lilacs. And it’s special, because they bloom for a short period every year, and you pretty much have to smell them on the bush because if you pick them they start smelling like death after a day.
I think there’s a lot of lavender because it’s easy to dry and put in saches and stuff. I’ve never seen dried lilac.
I’m the opposite! Lilac is nice (actual lilac, not artificial lilac which I like much less) but lavender is one of my favourite scents ever!
I love both lilac and lavender a lot as real actual plants that smell and loathe them as imitation.
smells are so important and they change everything about a space.
hmm. summary of the fragrance preferences of lady inkwashed: I love the smell of real things and cannot stand imitation things, unless we’re talking about tom ford perfume/cologne and then damnnn bring on the chemical magics because I am HERE!
No no, fresh sweat on the right person is a definite good smell. Old sweat, or sweat on the wrong person = yuck.
I always think I like the smell of vanilla more than I really do, especially fake vanilla, I just went through all my oil burner oils and threw out all the vanilla ones I never burn because they are actually quite unpleasant.
If it’s fake it’s too sweet smelling. I don’t know why they overcompensate with the sweetness.
Great question! I also love lilacs, and linden trees– we had both growing in my back yard when I was young, so they smell like spring to me, and my mom would tuck linden and lilac French soaps into my flannel sheets when they were in storage, so when I pulled them out for the winter, I’d get a little whiff of warmer months. I’m also a big fan of perfumes and colognes, I love V&R Flowerbomb, Issey Miyake A Scent, MCMC Kept, and D S & Durga Mississippi Medicine.
I can’t stand the smell of swiffer products, they smell like formaldehyde.
Obligatory, since you mentioned linden trees: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHze0SqB5Zg
I was expecting the Numa Numa song when I clicked on that link, but Mitchell and Webb is much better!
Definitely lilacs. Freshly mowed grass. The beach. Damp earth.
(These suggest I am some kind of hippie flower child and I can assure that is not an accurate representation of me; these are all the first that come to mind somehow.)
You might be a fan of the CB I Hate Perfumes line. Black March is one of my favorite “smells like wet dirt, but in a good way, I swear” perfumes
I love Black March! But it fades so quickly on me – that’s my only real problem with the CB I Hate Perfumes.
Yes! I love his perfumes, but they just disappear, even with my trick of applying them on top of a dab of coconut oil. Que triste.
Why is there no cologne that smells like the beach yet in 2015? It was one of the best ideas Seinfeld ever had and I would buy that in a heartbeat.
I bought an oil burner oil that was called ‘salt spray’ hoping my house would smell like the beach, but it smelled like clean laundry. I am now debating whether to get their ‘fresh linen’ one and hope it smells like the sea.
I love the smells of: old books, chocolate chip cookies, wood-burning smoke, pine trees, and (oddly) citronella.
Idk if there’s any specific smells I dislike, although there are certain colognes/men’s body washes that I hate because they instantly remind me of ex boyfriends. Oh, also cigarette smoke. And gasoline/oil.
Seconding the smell of certain colognes either inspiring HATE (bad ex) or nostalgia (good ex).
Wood smoke! I love it mostly because it reminds me of home. My parents have always had a woodstove for heat (and for cooking for a while), so it takes me back to being little and sitting in front of the stove until you were crispy on one side and then turning around to crisp your other side. Nothing quite like that.
May I recommend Christopher Brosius? He makes scents like “In the Library“: “a warm blend of English Novel*, Russian & Moroccan Leather Bindings, Worn Cloth and a hint of Wood Polish.” And he’s a genius.
Oh dear, a number of his scents are very tempting, and I don’t even wear perfume. Some samples might have to get added to my Christmas list, particularly “Gathering Apples”
Oh, my. I never really liked the handful of BPAL scents I tried (although the. . .evangelizing of some people may have set me contrary) but those descriptions are signing to me.
I really wish his perfumes lasted longer because they’re really great. “Eternal Return” is the only beachy scent that actually reminds me of the beaches I grew up with on the Pacific Northwest, and “I am a Dandelion” is the perfect spring scent
I also hate candles/oils/soaps that smell like food but my perfume is tea, spices, wood and fig and for some reason that doesn’t bother me.
On the weirder end, I love the smell of chlorine but I think that happened after I started swimming laps.
ME TOO! I thought I was the only one.
I like carnations! Almost all flowers, really, but especially them. So brisk and cinnamony.
The smell of the bread aisle in a grocery store.
Sweat contains pheromones, so it makes sense you’d appreciate your huband’s (source)
Now I can back it up with science! Sometimes I aggravate him because I could just sit there and smell him for hours if I could.
I love the smell of leaf mulch. Also oranges, but not so much other citrus. I spent all of yesterday with a migraine, which always really messes up my senses of smell or taste, so that any savory food smells disgusting (the only things I can eat are yogurt and soft fruit). So glad that’s gone this morning.
Smells I love: sage, eucalyptus, pine, grass, herbs, green leafy things generally, lilacs, honeysuckle, laundry, outdoors when it’s about to snow, coffee, sandalwood, dry erase markers (I was that kid in elementary school), gasoline (yeah).
Smells I hate: dill (the only herb!), most citrus unless it’s in a cleaning product, vanilla, asparagus, broccoli, cinnamon, those goddamn fake scented pinecones that appear in every craft store from October to December, fake banana, fried anything.
I walked past a grocery store that had a display of those goddamn pinecones yesterday and I almost gagged. They are VERY HEAVILY SCENTED.
I also like eucalyptus and grass/green smells.
I think eucalyptus is hard to find in perfumes, except for in Calvin Klein’s discontinued Contradiction, which I am stockpiling.
Two of my favorite smells are musty. I love the very particular smell of a garage, as in someone’s one-car garage in their home, not a parking garage, God-forbid. (We had a carport growing up, so I always noticed the smell when walking into a friend’s garage.) Also, love love love the smell of old, yellowed books. I have bought old books that are classic or very random from tag sales and used-book stores just because they smelled nice.
And I love the smell of new, really good weed in the bag, and I hate the smell of old, crusty residue in the bowl. Figures.
I also hate the smell of gross Yankee Candles or ones that are supposed to smell like desserts, “Toffee caramel coffee” or “Blueberry pie” etc.
Yes ALL of those awful Yankee Candle “gooey dessert” things are heinous crimes against the nose.
My mom adores the smell of musty things, especially basements. She was thrilled that the house I bought is old and has a creepy basement and she once spent an afternoon organizing paint cans down there, declaring the whole time that she loved that old house smell and that it was so nice to have a “cool” basement. (My basement is horrifying – eye level three foot blasted rock and dirt crawl space around two sides, full of shadows and probably orcs.)
The unfinished basement of the decrepit, crappy house I lived in college was TERRIFYING. For sure someone was murdered there. Old stage set-looking stuff for children, but creepy. Shadowy wooden enclosures. And not a speck of light and yet this little weed was growing through the cracks. How??
NATURE FINDS A WAY
Mmmm yes! Garage and good weed smell lovers unite!
We shall form a club where we hotbox old garages with dank weed!
Exactly.
*hrrrghhhhurglburglemmmmph*
You’re welcome to join us
Garage smell!!! I went to a tiny brewery last week that is in an old warehouse, and the owners clearly stashed a bunch of their personal stuff there, so it was JUST like drinking in a garage and it was great.
I don’t know if I find thrift stores so comforting because of the musty smell or if I love the musty smell because of so many years spent browsing thrift stores.
A garage where a lawnmower is stored, so you get that whiff of cut-grass/hay-ish smell along with the mustiness and the faint smell of oil, is my very favorite.
I LOVE the smell of down pillows! Oh man, and the way my hair smells after sleeping on a down pillow! I also love violet, and rose, and lily of the valley. All those grandma smells. And frankincense/myrrh. And the smell of orange groves!!!!!!
I don’t do gormand smells. Even sophisticated vanillas are out for me.
Oh god. Church incense is AMAZING
I only went to an incense church ONE TIME and I was too little to appreciate it.
I just remembered to add that my buddhist grandma would burn cedary-smelling Japanese incense while she chanted at the shrine in her room. I don’t remember much of her, since she died when I was very little, but I have really distinct memories of laying ontop of her horrible pink polyester bedspread, watching tv while she knelt at her shrine with her bead & prayed.
While working at Disneyworld, I walked into the Epcot Japan pavilion & was completely overwhelmed with the urge to cry. I couldn’t figure it out for a while, and I was really embarrassed. Finally I saw that they were burning the exact brand of incense she used to use at her shrine! I bought a box, of course.
OOH YES CHURCH INCENSE. I forgot to mention that one in mine, but a few years back I lived within an hour’s drive from a church that used it EVERY week. For that reason and many other reasons I made the hour-there-hour-back drive every week for more than a year.
Oh! And mineral spirits, oil-based ink, and heated rosin! Super-specific printmaking studio smells that are probably….not good for you to smell.
I love the smell of mint, mostly because it’s a nice smell but also because it’s literally the only thing I can smell–other than that, I have zero sense of smell at all.
Things I wish I could smell include: old books, lavender, the ocean, baking (cookies, bread, you name it), whether food has gone bad, citrus, animal paws (do they really smell like Fritos? also what do fritos smell like), jasmine.
Smells I love that most people probably don’t: gasoline, mechanic shops, dope smoke, bleach, burnt matches, and the Burgomaster’s breath after he’s been drinking tequila.
Smells I hate that most people (apparently) don’t: pretty much any commercially-produced perfume/cologne (even in reasonable quantity). My other smell-dislikes are fairly agreed-upon nasty things that I don’t need to itemize here.
i loooove burnt match smell.
Smells I hate that most people (apparently) don’t: pretty much any commercially-produced perfume/cologne
Oh man, yeah, I hate most scented body products in general! It takes me aaages to get used to smelling a new scent (like when I’m forced to switch deodorants) so for several weeks I’m stuck with this really intrusive smell that just…follows me everywhere.
I switched to unscented deodorant and laundry detergent years ago, and now get super distracted when I’m stuck with scented versions, like “what is this smell and why is it following me?” I don’t have strong feelings about it- just switched my default environment to unscented at some point and don’t really want to go back.
My family only used matches on Hannukah for years (I guess we just didn’t need to light a lot of other things on fire?) so it’s a very nostalgic, holiday smell to me.
Maybe it’s just that it’s really early in the morning that I saw this, but the fact that your family didn’t need to light many things on fire is hilarious to me.
I don’t so much like the smell of lavender, as much as it has an immediate, I have just gotten a massage/meditated for an hour effect on me (and my kids). Also it heals sunburn really well and I am very pale. So I tend to have it on me at all times for calming or health purposes.
My favorite seek it out smell? pears, cucumbers, basil, hay, maple syrup steam in the sugar house….
And you are right, a home that smells like fresh bread or cookies and it’s just a candle is an evil trick to play on someone.
maple syrup steam in the sugar house
yesssss
so many smells!
the way your sweatshirt or sweater smells after a night sitting by the campfire
freshly mown grass
lilacs, too (both sets of grandparents had lilac bushes and they are big parts of my childhood memories of spring)
the damp and salty tinge of being near a large body of water
sawdust!
There’s one smell I cannot stand and I actually don’t know what exactly it is! But a boyfriend in high school had a particular cologne that just smelled like vomit to me. He had other colognes I really liked, but this one was just terrible. I never did get the name of it. Sometimes I catch a whiff in a crowded elevator and have to try not to gag audibly.
mmmmmm campfire sweatshirt smell
Yes! on the campfire sweater smell. Makes me sad to wash it.
Yessss campfire smell!
I think my weird ones are: Car air conditioner. The elementary school gym. (What is this, some kind of mildew? I don’t know, I am a gross as well.) Lemon Pledge, and Windex.
And then everything foodie but I think I’m just hungry. I’d love to smell freshly made tortilla chips and chopped cilantro right now.
For perfume (I used to be super super into perfume and oils): I was very much a gourmand vanillas and musks person, always on the quest to find my perfect skin scent, but now I’m more into lemony florals.
I actually can’t handle lilac…I want to love it but it’s too sharply sweet to my nose. Ditto anyone wearing too much perfume, esp of the Bath & Body Works variety, instant headache 🙁
Oh yeah – and I love the smell of an pub or bar. Yeasty beer, toasty hops, old wood, it gives me great comfort and happiness.
That (possibly fictitious) smell of hot dust and enamel that you get from cheap desk lamps that have been on for hours while you read in bed?
I love that one.
I don’t think it’s fictitious! That is a really good one.
Well I mean my various lamps have all A) smelled B) smelled more or less the same, I just have no idea if I’m correctly attributing the cause of the it.
Ooh, yes! That’s also a smell that means fall to me, because you get a hit of it anytime you turn on a radiator that hasn’t been on in a while and has collected some dust.
i love the smell of woodsmoke, haaaaate hate hate the smell of freshly mown grass.
Sawdust, after-rain smell, books, a pan full of melted butter at the instant you throw the onions & garlic in, lemon zest, the smell when you leave the house with delicious things in the oven and walk back in and get the full impact of delicious-baking-smell all over again.
When you’re away on a trip and then come home and your bedding smells like “cozy you” and not weird hotel cleaner or whatever. I love that smell.
YES. I also tend to sleep in the same oversized t-shirt every night and it ends up smelling like me and that’s just…really nice.
Babies.
Sagebrush. (I used to keep sage on the dash in my car so every time I got in it smelled like chaparral)
Pine forest.
Rain.
Also, I have a friend who has always since childhood smelled like she’s wearing a light perfume but that’s just HER. Now she’s a professional perfumer so… fate?
BABY HEADS. I could sniff a baby head until my nose falls off.
I’m glad someone said it! Especially as a non-mom, I’m like. . .do I sound creepy? It’s not like I go around sticking my head in people’s strollers. . .
Oh man, re: babies. My friend rubs her baby’s head with coconut oil because her skin is always flaky so that baby smells like baby AND coconuts and she’s a joy to me.
Babies! I have zero desire to parent but man babies smell great. Also puppies and kittens.
I used to work at a daycare and there was one little baby whose head smelled like real vanilla. She was the sweetest little thing too. I could NOT get enough of holding her!
Oh man, I love sage and keeping some in the car sounds like SUCH a good idea! Did you use the fresh kind from the grocery store and just let it dry out in the car or the little bundles people use to burn?
I had some growing outside my door, but it was the same kind you’d find in the grocery so I would use that. It smells great as it’s drying and for quite a while after that, months at least.
Petrichor, which is both a wonderful word and the best smell.
And patchouli because I am exactly the person you are picturing.
If only I’d known you when I received the peasant blouse mentioned in ginkgotree’s comment thread about unwanted presents.
Long Winter Farm makes a wonderful Petrichor perfume oil that you might like! I’m addicted to most of their products, actually.
One of my strongest smell-responses is to sports fields, specifically in the evening in fall. (I spent a LOT of time during my formative years at soccer practice, is what I’m saying.)
Otherwise: Grass. Petrichor. Rosemary. Grapefruit. Tomato leaves. Pine needles. Chocolate chip cookies. Sauteeing garlic.
Ooooh, I love the smell of pine, fresh bread, fine leather, cinnamon, sandalwood, scotch whisky from the highlands and lowlands, fresh American hops, freesia (and most other flowers except lavender). The smells of the outdoors when it’s crisp and damp at dawn and dusk are really nice. Wood smoke.
My weird ones are dusty rooms with wood panelling, wrapping paper and tape (smells like birthdays and Christmas. Yes, I’m materialistic) and rubbing alcohol.
Most body smells make me want to barf (I don’t mind my husband after he’s showered), and egg. Get all of the eggs and people away from me!
Oh man, wrapper paper and scotch tape smell so good!! Especially wrapping paper from grandma’s house.
Vanilla (anything to do with baking, really, like cinnamon and nutmeg etc)., freesias (hey I liked them before Bella did), lemongrass, rain, trees, bookshops, citrus (except grapefruit), the warm comforting smell of bf’s neck, and the smell that (clean) kittens and puppies have when you nuzzle into their fur.
Love: the smell of garden hose water, damp earth/petrichor, woodsmoke, tomato plants (that sharp green smell, not the smell of actual tomatoes), freshly baked bread, lemon verbena, and Thymes’ mandarin coriander hand cream. oh, and new plastic shower curtains.
Hate: fake “baking” scent in candles/etc (vanilla, christmas cookie, birthday cake, etc – it’s way too sweet and cloying), and goddamn baby powder/”powder” scented anything. It makes me gag.
oh my god GARDEN HOSE WATER
(this thread is making me so happy)
AAAAH yes!
I love these responses! I also love the smell of garden hose water but have never identified it by name before. Thank you for adding that to my life.
I love the smell of tomato plants! Definitely very different than actual tomatoes those that’s a pretty good smell too.
Method makes a hand soap called “tomato vine” that smells EXACTLY LIKE TOMATO PLANTS. I don’t know how they managed to bottle that scent, but it’s amazing.
holy moly, I gotta get my hands on that.
I haven’t tried it, but I CB I Hate Perfume’s Memory of Kindness perfume is supposed to smell very strongly of tomato leaves, if you’re looking for other tomato-scented things.
You have an excellent olfatory system, because I agree with all of that.
Love the smell of:
– My husband’s hair if he hasn’t showered in a day or two (I tell him it smells “familiar.” I also love the smell of his pillow in the morning)
– My dog (again, can’t describe his smell – just familiar and good)
– The smell of the air on a very cold autumn or winter day. Actually less of a smell, more of the feeling of the air being so crisp and clean that it opens all the nose passages. See also: the smell of the air when it’s snowing.
– Spicy women’s perfumes
Smells I hate:
– Downtowns of big cities (I call them “city smells”)
– Similarly, those heated indoor spaces on train platforms. There’s never any air circulation!
– Adidas men’s cologne. Reminds me of high school boys.
I am with you on the cold air smell! It’s one of my favorites.
sunscreen, rosemary bushes, thunderstorms, IPAs, wood fires, the caramel-y smell of ponderosa pine bark
Thunderstorms, yes! That weird grey-blue smell!
I love the smell of hardware stores. The weird combo of chemicals/wood/rubber is A+. I also love the smell of jasmine forever and ever.
I got this bag of kimchi-flavored snack tubes (???) recently from my mom and they smell like concentrated kimchi flavoring plus some weird floral notes and it just BUGS the crap out of me. It took me a few days to figure out why I was annoyed whenever I went into the kitchen but now I have it contained in a ziplock bag.
The weird combo of chemicals/wood/rubber is A+
your gif, as always, is perfect.
Love love love the smell of hardware stores!
Blackberry bushes in flower – they smell SO GOOD. It’s PNW thing, I think. Also linden trees, clean sheets in the linen closet, nature’s gate herbal shampoo & conditioner……so many. You know how some people are more visual, auditory, tactile? I’m olfactory.
I agree with everyone on the fake-food smells, tho. Besides the general fakeness that I don’t like, they also make me hungry! I don’t want to smell like a cookie, or be thinking about them when it’s not cookie-time.
LIlacs and good old fashioned roses are my favorite flowers to smell. I also adore the smell of garlic and onions frying up in olive oil. Also the smell of freshly baked bread and the smell of books in libraries.
I love the smell of Coppertone sunscreen.
This has been SUCH a hard week. Month. Year. (2015 can go fuck right off. Good riddance, 2015. I will not sing Auld Lang Syne to you.)
Favorite scents: lilac, bergamot, chlorine (I KNOW), Curve for Men (I ALSO KNOW), babies’ heads, laundry, that specific scent when summer rain first hits hot pavement, my hair after I sat by a campfire all night and then didn’t wash it before going to bed … uh probably a whole bunch more. One time I was walking through an unfamiliar building and got a whiff of the EXACT smell of my beloved hometown church, and I almost cried.
I looove the smell when you turn your heat on for the first time and all the dust on your heaters burn (this is probably a sign I’m living in filth) I also enjoy the generic Health Food Store smell that’s equal parts lavender soap, bulk grains and spices.
And a weird smell I can’t stand: trapped air in big Rubbermaid containers. I’m also really not a fan of old book smell, either.
I love that burning-dust smell too! It’s wonderful.
Likes : the smell of tomato plants, rain, campfire.
Don’t like new car smell. Things I dislike the smell of but will endure for love – weed and my cats fishy breath.
Baking brownies is high on the list of good smells. Bad is canned tuna.
I want to move into a lilac bush, so I feel you there. I prefer old book smell to new book smell. The smell of oncoming snow, like we have in the air right now.
I hate scented candles of all kinds, because they all smell chemical and artificial to me. But I confess that I have not yet tried Mountain Lodge, the Sexiest Candle Ever, so I’m still holding out hope for that one.
Vinegar! I don’t know why but I love the smell of vinegar.
I started using this deodorant because even though it says unscented, it reminds me of bergamot in Earl Grey tea and I love it. (The smell doesn’t stick around, sadly, and I have to use a separate antiperspirant at night, but it’s still WORTH IT to have the smell in my life, and to avoid smelling like whatever most deodorants smell like.)
I hate MOTH BALLS, although I feel that’s really universal.
My weird favourite smell — SO weirdly specific — is the freezers in grocery stores? I don’t know why? I have since a child?? Is there some chemical reaction in them that makes them smell so clean and fresh like a glacier’s tears?
And ha, two of your hated smells are my most favourite — lavender and lilac!!!
Oh my grod, grocery store freezers! So so good.
Ok, so in the hundreds of choices here I don’t think I see mine, so…
I love the smell of brand new rubbery-plastic. It’s hard to describe, but examples are: air mattresses, beach rafts, clear shower curtains.
Does this have a better name? Am I alone in my love of this?
That is one of my very favorite smells, oh man. I just call it “new shower curtain smell” but I’m sure there’s an actual word for it…
Yes! I love that smell. I think it reminds me of Christmas presents when I was little? All the Barbie stuff and whatnot?
You’re definitely not alone…bears really love it too. It’s probably almost as big an attractant as food smells.
I loooooove the smell of tomato plants. It is like the platonic ideal of Green in smell form.
I commented this to someone else, but try the “tomato vine” hand soap made by Method. I swear they managed to perfectly bottle the smell of tomato plants.
I would not have suspected that, but I will look for that the next time I need hand soap!
I adore lilac. My city has a lilac festival and going around smelling them and eating deep-fried Oreos is just the best.
Not to be creepy but I think I know where you mean re: lilac festival and it is one of my favorite events that I try to go to every year. I generally spend the entire time walking around trying to find the flowers with my absolute favorite shade of purple.
Old book smell beats new book smell, IMO 😛
I love the smell of lavender – I use lavender body wash (I shower at night) and I love it.
Also the smell of the ocean (including the harbor), lakes, any large-ish body of water. Rain, wet pavement, leather. Lemon, lime, orange. Cucumber.
I hate coffee and stale tobacco smoke, and am not really a huge fan of the smell of vanilla. ETA – Cauliflower. I don’t understand how anyone eats it, it smells SO BAD when it’s cooking.
Love the smells of coffee, gasoline, onions and garlic cooking in oil, burning leaves, cinnamon. Dislike the smell of sweat (which my nose translates into scent of celery, which I don’t like either) or any musk-based perfume, which smells like dog poop to me.
I can’t decide if your brain thinking that sweat smell = celery smell means that you really lucked out on not having other people’s BO smell too bad or if celery must seem insanely disgusting to you.
I also think lilies smell like funerals, and dislike candles that smell like baked goods (except for general “spice” kinds in the fall, and only the soy ones from Target)
I love the smell of browning butter with a vanilla pod, croissants in the oven, my dog’s head, and books.
I’m allergic to a lot of perfumes, but don’t seem to have a problem with Burberry fragrances and often wear Brit (original, not the pink one) and Body, sometimes layered.
My favorite candles are BBW Sparkling Icicles, which smell of bergamot and spice. I stock up in December and use them year round.
Oh also, the particular mix of fried fish and sauerkraut that means it’s Christmas Eve.
The smell of my dog’s paws. The corn-chippyness of it, it’s intoxicating. And I love when it subtly wafts over me when we’re hanging out in bed on a weekend morning.
It’s weird (and gross!) but I love it.
nooo it’s not gross, it is wonderful. I love my doggy’s frito feet.
Yes!!
Omg FUCK VANILLA SCENT haha. Ok, let me clarify: if there is a foodstuff attached to that vanilla smell, I am all about it, but if the thing that is attached to that scent is a person? Nah. I used to work at Anthropologie and there was this vanilla scent they sold that was really popular with the sales associates and it was just so strong and cloyingly sweet. Every time one of the girls wearing it passed me I thought someone was baking cupcakes and after a while it would just give me a headache. I just generally do not like super sweet, baked-goods kinds of scents.
Everything I like tends to be pretty masculine, actually: leather, tobacco, sage, pine/cedar, musk, campfire, petrichor, the ocean, rosemary. I do really like jasmine though too.
Has anyone ever felt like certain cities have very distinct smells? Very occasionally I will come across a smell that is totally distinctive and it will take me back to a specific place with an immediacy I didn’t really recognize before. Paris and Beirut, I think, were where I felt this most strongly. Beirut smells wonderfully like shisha and car exhaust. (One of my favorite things is when writers do a really great job of describing the indescribable way people and places smell, but I’ve never been very good at it. ) I’m sure it’s really hard to recognize that smell when you’re in that place, just like you know the smell of your bests friend’s house really well but not of your own, except maybe for about a minute when you come home after a long trip. I love the evocative nature of smell. It wish it were possible to capture scents like a photo.
Yes! I lived in Madrid and it has a very distinct smell. (Can’t say it’s a great smell, though, like a mix of garbage and cigarette smoke.) Sometime recently I smelled it here and it was very strange.
i hate the smell of christmas trees. it makes me itchy. and i love christmas and adamantly demanded a real tree throughout my childhood but i can’t stay in the same room as it too long.
Weird smells I love: the smell of the air around airports (that jet fuel-y exhaust-y smell), gasoline, burning/superheated carbon fiber brakes, wood smoke, the plastic-y smell of new electronics
More smells I like: HUGE on spicy musks like bergamot, cinnamon & sandalwood, vanilla, that new book smell, leather, pipe tobacco, dill, the smell of a crisp autumn day, warm chocolate chip cookies, coffee, apples with cinnamon (is it obvious I love food scents?)
Smells I hate: literally any flower. There are 0 flower scents I like, but I especially hate rose, lavender, and hyacinth. Also hate the smell of sea water or any body of water, baby powder, that weird old person smell, and patchouli.
How has no one else mentioned classic Old Spice? My pretty normal favorite smell are: real vanilla, gasoline, fresh lavender, old books, wood smoke, horse barns, tack rooms, and glycerin saddle soap.
However, my absolute favorite weird smell is classic Old Spice.
When I was a kid, I would hug my dad goodbye in the morning and totally huff near his armpits for that smell. Which is a very strange thing to do, and once he figured out what I was up to he totally put a stop to that. And now my partner uses Old Spice aftershave and I try to get extra snuggles on the mornings he shaves but he’s figured out I’m just all about that aftershave smell.
Oh heavens. I think I just disclosed I have some sort of olfactory- Oedipus complex going on to the internet.
My weirdest smell love is stale cigarette smoke. It reminds me of childhood, despite the fact that nobody in my family smokes. One of my best friends’ dad smoked, though, so that’s probably where it came from.
I am absolute rubbish at describing smells, and this always bothers me, because I want to be a writer. So, for example, I love the smell of forests! Aaaaand I can’t get any more specific than that. Not pine smell, or any particular kind of tree, but “forest” smell. I associate smells very strongly with place, too, so I have been known to say things like, “This shower smells like Disneyworld!”
I love the cold air smell/feel, “forest smell” (whatever it is), campfire/wood smoke smell, clean towels, baked goods, many more.
Love: pencil shavings, freshly mown grass, most flowers, cedar, pine and that chemical smell just after you strike a match.
Hate: melted/hot cheese or butter and molasses.
Hope your next week is better!
That week in the spring when the ash trees bloom.
Roasted nut vendors’ carts here in NYC have the best smell in the WORLD and I have never ONCE had a bag of roasted nuts that lived up to how it smelled, taste-wise.
I also love the smell of a dock in summertime–wet wood, slimy algae, fishness, sunscreen, gasoline, inner tubes.
Now I’m thinking about that thing in old cartoons where a scent would be depicted as this sinuous ghost with sexy lady hands.
Probably the bougiest thing I’ve ever purchased, is a Diptyque Cyprès candle. Like, I a little bit can’t stand myself for it but ALSO it’s the only scented candle I’ve ever liked at all, let alone loved. It just smells like trees and campfires together, and I’m not a person who likes scented things in general.
General scents I love: ozone, tomato vines, grassy, green. There’s a certain scent of Northern California hills in summer – sun baked dirt and thistle on the verge of combustion – that I miss tremendously.
Thank you so much for posting this question, btw. Going through all the responses at the end of the day has been a delight.
Fav smells: Sandalwood, sweat, sea air, mint, roses (but ones that smell like the flower), burning wood, my cat when he’s been sunning himself, new tar top on the road, leather, paint (I am weird), lilacs, and tea. Why isn’t there more tea based perfumes?
Worst smells: Lavender (it’s herbal in a bad way), citrus, jasmine, cucumber, melons, and apples scented candles.
I love orange blossom so much but struggle to find good orange blossom stuff because it often smells like orange (whereas the flower has a very different scent).
I’ve been wearing Lancôme Miracle for over a decade now, because it is perfect on my skin. My blood may be part perfume at this point.
My dad worked for cement plants all his life, so the smell of dry powdery cement is very dear to me.
I loved this question so much! In general I adore scents and love sampling different ones, so reading through this tonight has been almost as good.
Seven Virtues Afghanistan Orange Blossom! It smells *real*, and doesn’t fade powdery, but clean and rich. You can get an imp sample from Perfumed Court to try it out.
(Also, Jo Malone’s Orange Blossom is excellent–not as good as Seven Virtues, IMO, but excellent.)
Oooh thanks!! I will check this out!!
I had never heard about Perfumed Court until I looked it up just now . . . and this is INCREDIBLE. So many perfumes! An orange blossom sampler!! AHHHHHHHHHH.
I live to serve, darling!
This is super late so I doubt anyone will see it, but I felt compelled to post anyway because this is a fun thread.
A few I love:
That musty smell when you get out an old tent and are about to set it up while camping
Moss on trees while hiking
Biscuits in the oven
Cardamom
Cumin
Farmers burning their fields after harvest season is over (I’m pretty sure it’s not allowed anymore, but I adore the smell of it in late Summer air)
Good bourbon
A few I hate:
Asphalt
Cherry scented anything
Blue cheese
Paper money (seriously, smell your cash sometime, it’s disgusting)
I too am here excruciatingly late, so we can just talk to each other.
I love musty basement smell. I lived with my grandpa when I was a kid, and the musty basement was where my teenage uncle hung out and played video games. He would let me watch him play Sonic and Bonk and Aero the Acrobat and it made me feel so cool. I probably spent half my childhood down there.
Dislikes: lilacs, because I went through a period in elementary school when I was convinced they were edible (?) and spent a lot of time pulling off the flowers and sucking out their pollen (?!). Turns out lilacs are not edible and now every time I smell them I am reflexively nauseous.
I do like the smell of clean cash though! It smells like…money, and having it. Coins, on the other hand, I can taste in the back of my throat.
Best. Thread. EVER.
If all y’all aren’t familiar with Perfumed Court, allow me to introduce you to the world of perfume imps that you can order for about $3 a pop, and sample ALL THE DELICIOUS SMELLS.
My current favorite combination is 7 Virtues Afghanistan Orange Blossom, Jo Malone’s Lime Blossom, and Tokyo Milk’s Everything and Nothing. I smell like a California goddess, driving a top-down convertible at dusk, going 90 miles per hour, and I love it.
(Also, it’s gauche, but I love the smell of Old Spice’s Pure Sport–the first boy I kissed wored that smell, and I still associate it with delightfully bad decisions and desire.)
Sooooo delurking after a long time and a day late to mention one smell I love: men’s dress shirts. The fabric itself has a certain smell that I can’t describe but it reminds me of my Dad.
More Loves: wet asphalt, leather, cedar, steel wool, violets, candy corn, marshmallows
Yucks: bananas, baby powder, cardboard, crickets in a bag from the pet store (a childhood friend had a tree frog)
I don’t think it needs to be said but this was a ROUGH WEEK, globally and personally and everywhere in between. So let’s talk about anything else.
What interesting or inspirational Wikipedia articles have you been trawling recently?
This morning I’m reading about votive offerings, which I actually first learned about in an Egyptian history class in college, but now realize the term applies to a lot of religious tradition. Related: this article has some great and surreal pictures of votives, and this is about a votive offering of an entire ship, sunk in a bog.
Please share your weird and wonderful links.
I really love any stories about things preserved in bogs, thanks to a weird Irish archaeology class I took years ago.
I read a mystery novel recently that involved bog people and it was really pretty good. Sadly the next book in the series wasn’t as good and I only made it about 5 chapters in. If you like very ornately described, slightly gothic, slow moving murder mysteries set in modern day Ireland; Lake of Sorrows by Erin Hart is worth looking up.
Lindow Man! Was he a human sacrifice? (I say yes!) Was he a druid? (I say yes!) Was his name Lovernios? (I say no! I think his fox-fur armband was intended to label him–legally or metaphorically–as an outlaw and thus a proper subject for human sacrifice.)
I learned all about the bog people in an English class I took when we studied Seamus Heaney’s poems. One was “The Tollund Man,” here: https://www.ibiblio.org/ipa/poems/heaney/the_toll…
I saw a preserved bog person in a Dublin museum once and it was crazzyyy.
I was just talking about the clown egg register so here you go (sorry can’t remember at the moment how to do nice HTML links): http://www.ft.com/cms/s/2/56cac980-e8f9-11e2-aead… http://www.lukestephenson.com/clown-eggs#0
If you’re a clown, you register your face by sending a photo and then the clown egg artists paints it on an egg. Also, whilst looking up things about it just now, I discovered that in an episode of The Avengers (the British TV programme), John Cleese played the clown egg museum curator!
….. what.
You may have won the “weird internet link” award for the day, and we’re only 20 minutes into Open Thread.
Haha! Thanks. I was looking all this up earlier as I was actually trying to find proof of a memory I had about the egg register, where when a clown dies, their eggs gets smashed. But, I think that’s just my memory playing nightmarish tricks on me. Or, just a nightmare that I had one time.
If you’re a Discworld fan, it could be from there. Your link has given me one of those surreal “Oh, so THAT’S where Terry Pratchett got it from” moments (I am astonished, as always, that this bizarre thing from a Discworld book was drawn from reality).
Argh you beat me to it! I was about to say well if you like that, you’ll love MEN AT ARMS!
I’m glad you replied, because I couldn’t for the life of me remember which of the watchmen books it was from!
I’ve been Wikipedia’ing the entire family of George H.W. Bush as I’ve been listening to (and, surprisingly, enjoying!) the audiobook of his new biography by Jon Meacham. Did you know that Jeb Bush fell in love with his wife Columba during a high school service trip to Mexico when he was 17? They married four years later and are still married!
I just spent a few days in Mexico City & got to see some of Frida Kahlo’s ex-voto collection. This was such a thrill for me because I’ve been OBSESSED with Mexican ex-votos for a long time. I even got to buy a silly jokey one at a tourist shop.
There are some REALLY interesting ones out there on the internet, pertaining to ghosts, and aliens, and witches, and all kinds of great stuff. http://mxcity.mx/2015/09/estos-ejemplos-de-exvoto…
That exhibit sounds amazing! I’m sure her curation would be fantastic.
I’m not really sure how much was hers, or Diego’s, or if this was her entire collection, but it was VERY cool.
Here is (what used to be) the world’s loneliest tree: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T%C3%A9n%C3%A9r%C3%…
And here, a dog that is venerated as a saint. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Guinefort
Oh, Saint Guinefort!
Have you heard of St. Austreberthe?? She is one of my favs.
Each day an unaccompanied donkey used to walk from the monastery at Jumie’ges carrying the laundry of the monks to the Convent of Pauilly, where the sisters tended the washing of the linen. One day the donkey did not arrive. St. Austreberthe, a sister at the convent, went out to search for the missing animal. She failed in her search, finding only some bloodstained linen. Eventually a wolf emerged from the nearby forest, knelt at her feet, confessed he had killed and eaten the donkey and asked forgiveness. St. Austreberthe forgave the repentant wolf but said he must offer retribution by taking the place of the donkey and carrying the laundry himself. The wolf agreed to do this and performed his task faithfully and well for the remainder of his life.
It would be tough to venerate a dog as a saint, because you’ve set the bar pretty high at that point. What human can claim to be as good as a dog?
How can you be so drunk that you hit the only tree around for 400km?!
I will maintain until my dying day that the best wiki article is List of lists of lists.
I discovered this feminist psychiatrist badass on a Wikipedia rabbit hole today: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madeleine_Pelletier
Reading that entire article was a way better use of my time than cleaning the kitchen, which is what I was supposed to do this morning
I don’t know why there isn’t a novel about Anna Ekelof. At least not one I can find!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Ekel%C3%B6f
Wikipedia’s list of birds by common name recently reminded me that some birds have delightfully, surreally descriptive names. Firewood-gatherer! Frogmouth! Greenish puffleg! Superb lyrebird! Frilled coquette! Wandering tattler! Woods-walking goose! They’re like poems.
OH LOOK it’s today, my first major deadline in my fancy new corporate writing job and here I am writing a post instead of the actual thing that my income depends on me writing.
IMMEDIATE EDIT my insurance just called to tell me they’ve decided to stop dicking me around re: coverage for the ADHD medication I finally worked up the courage to ask my psychiatrist for so maybe I can do my job and laundry like a real person now
Sweet! Hey, in Monday’s open thread we started a Toastie ADHD discussion Slack group. Do you want in? If so email [email protected] for an invitation! (That goes for anyone else who happens across this message too…)
Further note: we EMBRACE those of you who have not been formally diagnosed yet, so as long as you think you’d benefit from hanging out with people who have attention issues (and/or all the other fun stuff that comes along with ADHD) and have had to cobble together strategies to make things work, feel free to email/join!! We really understand that having ADHD makes getting everything together to get the ADHD diagnoses difficult, and that not everyone has the resources to make it all happen!!!
I think I might need to join in with y’all. Both my siblings have been diagnosed since elementary school and I never had any problems getting through school things, but the older I get, the more I wonder if I should get assessed because I am getting BAD at this adulting thing.
So happy for you! Getting my adhd thing sorted was a game changer for me. I’m only distracted 85% of the time instead of 95%!! I can do work things in that 10%!
WARNING: ART HISTORY NUDITY AHEAD
Y’all. I went down an Internet rabbithole the other day, and found this, I know not where or how. Through some freak event, Natalie Dormer traveled back in time to sit for one of the vanitas portraits Mallory mocks.
/ART HISTORY NUDITY>
That baby seems awfully small, and why is it blindfolded? Aaand just noticed the skeleton. Wat.
I’ve had a really hard time finding my fellow DC toasties. My emails to the listed google group bounce back and I know I’m not the only one with this problem. Capitol toasts, help?
I am a DC toastie! I have not had that problem with the google group, but I’m mostly only there for the book club. Perhaps it’s time to migrate to a Facebook group or something? I’m not actually sure who’s in charge of the Google Group, but it might be nice to be somewhere that isn’t reliant on a single person for admission/maintenance
I am no longer a DC toastie, but I am an admin on the group still (because I am still extremely attached to everyone). The group is under “DC Hairpinners.” Ask to join and ye shall receive!
I am also a DC toastie! I’m part of the facebook hairpin group, but there’s isn’t one specifically for toasties (though there’s a lot of crossover there). I haven’t tried joining the Google Group, mostly because I am unsure of things that I’ve no experience using, such as Google Groups.
Updating to add: I just attempted to e-mail the Google Group that’s listed in the connections spreadsheet ([email protected]), and got a bounce back too.
I tried contacting them via that address a couple months ago and got a bounceback too. Which is . . . not an overly helpful piece of information for me to share, I guess?
E-mail me and I will send you an invite! [email protected]
You can e-mail me – [email protected]
Thank you!
Wait there’s a DC Toast group? I am in DC and would totally get on that!
[email protected]!
I never go to anything ever but I am in DC!
hi
I’m not sure why the emails to the google group are bouncing back but
here’s the link to the actual google group. I think you should be able to request to join from there!
Hi fellow DC toasties! I am the admin for The Toast DC google group. I have been really shit at keeping up with it and responding to requests for invitations because of a lot of life-related stuff, and I’m very sorry for that. If you would like to join the group you can e-mail me at [email protected] and I promise I will respond promptly. I’m hoping to be more engaged with the group in the coming months. A few running things we have going on there are the DC Toast book club and going to trivia nights at Politics and Prose. I look forward to getting to know y’all!
Trivia nights <3
Trivia is my favorite!
Me too!
Thank you all sooo much!
I’m here, and would be SO HAPPY to have a DC Toast meetup!!
OMG NIKKI HOW DID I NOT REALIZE YOU’RE IN DC?????? If you’d like to join the Google Group you can e-mail me at [email protected] – we would love to organize a meetup!
Really?! Let’s plan a meetup!
I have no wistful fall films but I’ve been thinking about how The Dark is Rising is the best holiday book.
ALSO I just got my second UK law training contract rejection today, and I am spending so much time applying and am worried that my grades weren’t good enough, or that, because I’m in the US they won’t really look at it., and I am panicking because I am DESPERATE to get back there and it just feels hopeless.
I read it or listen to it a LOT just before Christmas.
I hope you get some better training news soon.
What audiobook? I listened to it once and didn’t like the reader.
Thanks!
The ones I have are narrated by Alex Jennings (except the Grey King) – I really like them.
ooooh. I might need to find this. Last year I started reading it out loud to mr. toast, and then i got a cold and I was saving my voice and we didn’t get back into it, despite us enjoying the whole process.
Agree about The Dark is Rising. I also read the His Dark Materials trilogy over the holidays.
OOooh. I’m taking a break from The Dark is Rising so I don’t burn out on it (it’s happened before and that’s no good), but His Dark Materials might be a good winter alternative!
(Says the person still reading six books.)
The Dark is Rising, The Children of Green Knowe and A Child’s Christmas in Wales are my annual holiday trio.
I love Green Knowe too, will have to look up that other one!
A Child’s Christmas in Wales! I should go and pull that off the shelf now.
The Dark is Rising is EVERYTHING.
Also has some really lovely fanfico n AO3 if that’s your thing.
From another American who is missing the UK like crazy, huge hugs!
I have been rereading a few lately that cross over with Dorothy Sayers and they make me immensely happy.
I would take those!
http://archiveofourown.org/series/1345
Thanks. I am just… I was there for so long, and it is fine here but I want to move back so badly that I cannot settle here, and then I go back to visit and I forget how much I have even missed the air.
Wow you are absolutely right about The Dark is Rising. It is the perfect holiday book. I know what I’ll be rereading over winter break
Ohh, I’ve reread that book during more than a few Decembers. Maybe it’s time to do that again. The plot doesn’t entirely hold up, but man, the atmosphere.
I think it’s really hard for anyone to get a training contract right now. Good luck! My fingers are crossed for you.
LJ’s availablity is spotty at best today and I am experiencing some separation anxiety regarding my gifs.
I might not be around for next Friday’s OT (I need to be disciplined and productive and work on my due South secret santa exchange gift) so the lack is hitting particularly hard.
ETA: now that I’ve said that, things seem to be back up, so hurray!
Due South Secret Santa??!!! That is interesting.
This is my third year participating! The dS fandom is so great.If you’re interested in joining next year, here’s the LJ info group.
I don’t write fic, but I do collage and it lends itself surprisingly well to fanart. Also, you know, not to show off or anything, but my first year’s gift is here and last year’s is here.
I’m always happy to meet someone else who even knows about due South.
Cats ahoy!
Winter = spooning on the sofa all day.
And the box is not for everyone, only for Saffron.
Rosa is not amused.
LOOK AT THIS PEPPER, SUCH A GOOD PEPPER, SO SWEET, SO BOX.
That is a lovely Pepper and a supreme box.
Thanks!! It’s his new favorite box and he curls up in it and when I move or call to him, he pokes his head out and rests it on the edge and looks lovingly up at me and the first couple times I literally just went: “Ohhhhhhh my godddddddddddd….”
A+ box game
Saffron has been suffering from a cold all week and so she is extra snuggly and also sneezy. So adorably pathetic.
This is a bad cell phone picture I took of my cat when she was really stoned on catnip (ETA: aahhh sorry so huge):
Heeeee! That is amazing.
re: cats in boxes
We can’t actually leave empty boxes around because Saffron will pee in them. Anyone else have this problem? I wish she were the type to play in a cardboard box, but alas. Only pee.
I need a NOT FOR EVERYONE box to crawl into, especially at parties full of strangers and bars full of business bros. Or maybe just a nicely designed letterpress business card that I can quietly slide across the table, when the situation demands it.
Order something big enough from firebox and this can be a reality.
Asa is very embarrassed that she actually said that out loud
(She was actually just cleaning her paw and I managed to time the picture just right)
Kolya, who lives in a state of perpetual fear (“Don’t look at Kolya while he’s trying to eat” is a real rule that we take very seriously because he will get scared and stop eating), calmed down enough last night to get BELLY RUBS. Frequency-wise, this is the Kolya equivalent of a solar eclipse.
Ari climbed into the shopping bag the other night and went for a ride.
When Saffron is eating, as soon as Captain finishes (he gobbles as he is on a perpetual diet, and she likes to nibble and admire the view between mouthfuls) he comes and STARES at her. I have to sit so she can’t see him STARING, but I can’t look at her either otherwise she runs away.
Atticus discovered that he fits nicely in the bathroom sink.
My roommate’s doofus of a cat managed to pick up fleas despite never going outside or interacting with other animals (as far as we’re aware, anyway). Tough to be mad at this face, though:
(this is from a couple weeks ago, but he was doing exactly this all evening yesterday)
OMG that box is the best. What an excellent cat to make such use of it.
How YOU doin’?
Attempted selfie
Giraffe cat
sorry they came out so huge! I don’t dare edit because doing that always gobbles my photos into the void.
But such a pretty kitty deserves large photos!
The human-shaped stray cat I had in my life (*tips hat to Captain Awkward*) who actually turned out to be a sweet human-shaped house cat has become best buds with my legitmate feline, Jiji. I get daily pictorials of their misadventures. These are from today:
“What if I never catch the lizard on the other side of the window?”
Jiji has seen…things…terrible, terrible things, like the bottom of the food bowl.
“I’m not here to be beautiful for you, human.”
Edit: Sorry for all of my wonky html editing. Taking me back to my Myspace days…
In the spirit of our discussion of super gay films today, please enjoy this incredible youtube video of two women with great voices and perfect hair doing woodworking together. There is also a tiny dog. I really… look, I can’t say any more, you just have to watch it. https://youtu.be/UaG6_yXz5nQ
I’ve never wanted someone to put an apron on me like that until now. Also, her work is gorgeous. God, women make the best shit.
They are so cute and I am so weak.
their hair should be illegal
*sighs dreamily*
What are people’s (specifically Thanksgiving-celebrators’) opinions on the canned cranberry sauce vs. fresh cranberry sauce debate? My FIL insists that no one who’s had fresh (“real”) cranberry sauce can ever prefer canned, whilst my MIL and I tried to convince him that nostalgia can be a powerful thing and/or some people just like canned cranberry sauce!
For the record, I don’t really eat cranberry sauce one way or another, but if I HAD to choose, I’d go fresh, not canned.
Both, and damn the haters.
Edit: We serve both canned, which is served sliced, and a relish made by dumping a bag of Ocean’s best, a chopped-up navel orange, and around a cup of sugar in the food processor, then given a few hours to mix. Bliss, both.
Are you in my family? My one innovation in making the cranberry relish is that I carefully remove the zest of the orange, chop it up first in the processor with some sugar, then add the cranberries and the flesh of the orange with the white stuff (pith) removed. It really improves the dish. (I hate the white stuff.)
Evidently we are not close kin, as the sheer laziness of our whole-fruit-goes-in method is part of its longstanding appeal, but perhaps we hail from neighboring valleys.
No, I’m just an outlier. My aunts would very much disapprove if they saw me make it. My mom just rolls her eyes, but she’s used to my froo-froo ways.
Peeling celery, zesting oranges, using fresh parsley in the stuffing – I’m a freak, really.
In addition making the lazy sauce, I sometimes make Lazy Sauce: Food-process up a bunch of cranberries, put them in a glass jar with some sugar, and pour in enough inexpensive vodka to cover the fruit (some floats; that’s fine). Leave the whole mess to sit for a few weeks–flip the bottle occasionally if it pleases you to do so–before straining out the solids. The result is a vivid red tart-sweet booze, very good for mixing into cocktails and fending off ye fcurvy, and easily decanted into glass flasks for gifting purposes.
Now *that* sounds like a great idea.
Based on your exemplary comment and this obviously delicious suggestion, I’m willing to bet you do a lot of things way better than most–and some things that others would never conceive.
Canned all the way. We always had the canned jellied stuff when I was growing up. I have since had fancy, whole-berry stuff that was actually cooked from real cranberries and I just can’t with it. It’s not right. But the canned, jellied stuff? I would often (and still do) eat that in lieu of pumpkin pie for dessert because I love it so much.
My big extended family buys one jar of canned cranberry sauce every year. Nobody ever eats it because no one actually likes cranberry sauce. It’s tradition.
We do too! My sister insists on hearing it slide out of the can, but after that it holds no interest for anyone.
The only canned I’ve ever had is the jellied stuff, which is basically a completely different food? So I mean it seems pretty reasonable that people could have a preference for it.
I have a strong aversion to anything jelly-like in consistency, so I am firmly Team Fresh. (Fresh is pretty jelly-like, too, so it took me a long time to come around to it, but my boyfriend’s family recipe is pretty dang good, and it helps that I can see what goes into it.)
Ironically, I have a nostalgic attachment to red jell-o at Thanksgiving, although I no longer eat it because of vegetarianism.
Another vote for BOTH!
My adult palate appreciates a good from-scratch cranberry relish, but for nostalgia’s sake I always have a small bit of canned jellied.
Yes, this. All the cranberry sauce, please.
I don’t eat cranberry sauce either way, haha, I’ve never liked it. But my sister is OBSESSED with the canned version and everyone else likes it fresh, so she gets a can all to herself like a weirdo.
Oh good. Another person who shares my feelings on cranberry sauce.
I am Team Fresh all the way. I have an amazing recipe and am already exciting about cooking cranberries and grating oranges next week.
Spouse, on the other hand, prefers canned. But it must HAVE RINGS. So one knows WHERE TO SLICE.
But he used to eat bananas with mayo spread on them (with walnuts sprinkled on top, for fancy) at his family holidays so his taste is suspect.
My Dad would eat that banana mayo spectacle, esp on top of cottage cheese. Perhaps also with a sprinkle of paprika.
YES! PAPRIKA!
Unfortunately, I’ve only heard the story of the banana-mayo dish and never actually seen it in the wild. I’m impressed you were able to confirm such a dish exists.
Yep, we always had canned that was sliced into circles at my Thanksgivings growing up (and I studiously avoided it).
Gotta say…bananas with mayo sounds absolutely awful to me, but life’s a rich tapestry and your spouse should continue to do him.
He mostly recounts stories of the dis to impress/horrify others during holiday dinners. I’ve never seen him actually eat it.
My grandma LOVED banana and mayo sandwiches! From a logical standpoint the combination makes me gag, but I still occasionally eat them as a comfort food when the mood strikes.
I like both, but I would be very sad if we only had fresh sauce because of nostalgia. I don’t think we’ve had any new additions to the holiday meal canon since long before I was born. The year that the particular crackers that my uncle uses in his pork stuffing were discontinued will live in infamy.
Re the bananas: [wide-eyed emoji]
And I eat weird stuff…
D:
I have a mayonnaise phobia and my boyfriend has a banana phobia, so it’s like both of our worst nightmares rolled into one!
Fresh, for sure. My mom makes hers with bourbon and it’s amazing.
Yep, Mr.BHam makes it with orange zest and red wine and it’s what’s gotten me into eating anything resembling cranberry sauce at holiday meals.
I’m 100% Team Fresh, it was what my family always did and I like the ability to tweak the recipe. I’m also pretty much always in favor of tart over sweet things, so canned is almost always too sugary for me.
But all of those reasons can be reversed and applied to canned, so, I grudgingly respect Team Canned.
LIFE IS A RICH TAPESTRY
I used to eat either. Heck, I’d eat the canned stuff just straight out of the can when I was a kid. Year round. I also loved eating freshly-prepared cranberry sauce. Frequently before it even made it to the table. Now I am allergic to cranberries.
This took a sharp turn. My condolences on your allergy; it must be tough to go from #1 cranberry supporter to cranberry bystander.
Thank you. I think perhaps humans weren’t meant to eat cranberries in the quantity I used to.
My family always had canned, and only canned. I actually have no real cranberry sauce loyalties, but I represent for Team Canned against my fiancee because I am a) stubborn and b) enjoy making this (well, this and what pie is the best Thanksgiving pie) our annual Gentle Thanksgiving Argument, as it hurts neither of us and we laugh a lot.
I want to like fresh cranberry sauce but I just can’t. I have tried, I’ve made several recipes, but each time it just doesn’t do it for me. So last year instead of making cranberry relish from scratch and resenting it the whole way through, I opted instead to make a dessert salad type of thing with fresh cranberries, chopped pecans, crushed pineapple, marshmallows (I think), and loads of freshly made whipped cream. It was a huge hit among those of each camp and there were no leftovers.
Simmer a bag of cranberries with a cup (or more–depending on your sugar tolerance) of sugar, a couple cups of OJ, and a whole ton of grated fresh ginger until it’s thick. Stir a lot so it doesn’t burn. Have it with your turkey on Thanksgiving, and the leftovers on top of your morning buttered toast until it’s all gone.
You know, we’ve tried a couple of times to do the from-scratch kind, but i just prefer the old, gelatinous, holds-the-shape-of-the-can style. *shrug* I can’t help it. But we also have cranberry chutney as a condiment with the turkey.
We usually provide both canned and my grandmother’s cranberry-orange relish. I am in favor of alll the cranberries.
Once we went fresh I can’t imagine going back. The canned stuff looks like a B movie monster.
I’m personally all for canned jellied cranberry. You have to be able to see the rings from the can. It’s totally a nostalgia thing and I acknowledge it.
One year, what with different branches of the family, various friends, and new recipes that needed trying, we wound up with about six varieties of cranberry sauce. We called it “the sauce bar.” I like ’em all, but usually make it fresh for Thanksgiving. Also, I insist that my mother bring my grandmother’s cranberry salad, which is like the relish others are describing, with fresh uncooked cranberries, a whole orange, an apple, and a bunch of pecans all whizzed up together in the food processor.
Grew up with fresh and that’s my preference. I love making it – so easy, water, berries, sugar, done – plus there are those wonderful “poomp poomp” noises as the berries burst while cooking. plus the sugary foamy scum to eat while the sauce is cooling. YUM.
The first time I had canned cranberry sauce was at a friend’s table, and it was presented in the whole-can form with the ridges and everything, plated on some fancy china or glass. Cross my heart, I thought it was a joke, some kind of ironic comment on American consumerism at holiday time. Glad I kept my big mouth shut, because the plate was passed reverently from person to person and each took a careful ridge-marked slice.
making the cranberry sauce was my first kitchen task as a child, and I have such fond memories of obsessively reading the instructions on the bag of berries to make sure I got it right.
I grew up eating fresh, but we bought canned to make the Jello with. (black cherry jello, cranberry sauce, sour cream. It’s tart and refreshing and amazing and I love it. like a set cranberry mousse)
whaaaaaaat
why does this sound good??
Because it’s amazing? And also really easy to make ahead. We chill it in a nice bowl rather than mold it. We almost always make more the next day to go with leftovers, as there never seems to be enough to start. http://allrecipes.com/recipe/229676/sour-cream-cr…
We make fresh in my family, though I rarely ever eat it as I’m all about the savory foods on Thanksgiving (until it is time for pie).
I adore canned cranberry sauce. It’s one of my weird family things. People’s eyebrows used to raise when my brother and I pointed out that we ate it all the time with dinner (yes-it is available year round, not just at Thanksgiving.) Once my birthday present to him was just two cans of cranberry sauce. That was it. He LOVED it.
Also team both! I love those ring slices, I grew up with them, they are great, but I will also make this recipe for fresh (with apples, walnuts, spices, and brandy, oh yes): http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/cran…
About ten years ago my aunt started bringing lingonberries as an alternative to the canned cranberry we usually have and I have never looked back!!
(But if I did look back, I’d prefer fresh cranberries)
Yes, lingonberries! My family’s from Alaska, so what we think of as cranberries are actually lingonberries. It took me forever to figure out why commercial cranberries tasted so weird and gross to me.
I prefer fresh cranberry sauce, but I can respect the canned cranberry sauce stance, which my father firmly believes in. My dad’s Peak Dad moment was in November 2010, when he made a Facebook post which I will quote here:
“I have been thinking a lot about Cranberry Sauce since this Thanksgiving. I love Cranberry Sauce. More specifically, I love how each Cranberry Sauce unit is perfectly shaped just like the can…mechanistic in its perfection every time…It’s breathtakingly beautiful. I have to say, Cranberry Sauce may represent the pinnacle of our culture’s technological achievements. Just look at this photo…”
He then proceeded to fight all comers to his ode to canned cranberry sauce, going as far as to argue that “I like the kind of food I can take a micrometer too.”
Sure, we’ve been to the moon, eradicated manifold diseases, and almost every person in America owns a computer/phone/camera hybrid small enough to carry in a pocket, but…CRANBERRY SAUCE, amirite?
This is perfect.
Does he know that cat food can come out of the can like that too?
and refried beans?
Refried beans don’t have that wonderful translucent glow to them, though.
Both/Either! My family always served canned at thanksgiving, but all smooshed up so it didn’t have the can shape, not in slices or anything. One year we decided to have made-from-scratch kind and I couldn’t tell the difference. It wasn’t even nostalgia for the canned kind, they just taste exactly the same so long as you don’t add extra flavoring to the homemade one and since I like the flavor of cranberry just fine all on its own, I’ve never really seen the appeal of adding orange or booze to it.
maybe it’s already been covered somewhere in this thread, but I’m pretty attached to the canned cranberry sauce even though YES I KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRESH and, much like our ongoing Gravy Cold War and my love of casseroles, it seems to highlight the class differences between my in-laws and me (because they talk a lot about Making Things From Scratch and how gross canned food is).
Yeah, for my FIL, the making stuff from scratch thing isn’t so much a class issue but a culture thing, I think; he’s Samoan and food/hospitality is a big part of the rubric by which one is judged. He has very strong feelings about homemade pies as well.
I, on the other hand, grew up with plenty of processed food and LOVE casseroles, so I’m totally with you.
Canned is a specific nostalgia, and the texture is often far more palatable than the fresh sauce. I make fresh sauce every year, and double the sugar (try turbinado–the caramel flavor goes a long way towards making the cranberry bite less vicious). I use a potato masher and a hand blender to get the texture smooth, and I also add spiced rum and orange zest–it’s particularly delicious when served warm.
I could go either way, really– they both have their points.
My aunt makes a homemade cranberry sorbet as a sort of palate cleanser between courses, which is pretty much my favorite part of T’day. Great stuff.
Hey toasties, I hope you all had a good week! As an update from last week, I THINK the leak in my bathroom is finally fixed. By “think” I mean: the plumber came and “fixed” it on Sunday but then on Tuesday I noticed water in the bowl underneath it, so finally on Wednesday he came while I was home and it was conveniently leaking and then he “fixed” it again. So it’s “fixed”. On the plus side I haven’t seen any water since then, so??? Maybe it is fixed? I hope so because the stress is really making me sick. (Like seriously, being constantly on edge about it and having dreams about water flooding my apt or my apt falling apart, it’s not fun.)
Unrelatedly, does anyone have some good sites to read that update daily-ish? In between actual work at work, I like to occasionally have a small break (usually while snacking). My current reading sites are The Toast (ofc), Ask a Manager, and Captain Awkward (which sadly does not update enough). Anything similarish, like good advice sites, or whatever you like to read daily?
I really love The Billfold. Basically that, The Toast, and AAM are the only three sites I read on a regular basis.
I love The Billfold, but I haven’t commented since their site redesign/switch to Disqus. :/ It makes me sad, because I used to comment all the time.
Yeah I hate the new comments too (mainly because disqus is weird/buggy… I had several issues recreating my account over there). It seems like a lot of the old regular commenters ghosted and haven’t returned, but hopefully the community will build itself back up eventually.
Oh man, I feel you on the plumbing stress. I just finished a 2+ week ordeal around a leak (that wasn’t even coming from my apartment, but since I’m on the bottom floor, I’m the one who has to deal with it) including the “we fixed it!” “well, there’s still water coming out, so I would go ahead & posit that you did not.” “Okay, this time we really fixed it!” “. . . nope.”
(And by “deal with it,” I mean not only work with the management company to get everything fixed, but also fall into a massive anxiety spiral about not having control over the place I live and wanting to stay somewhere cheap so I can save money but what if it’s not worth it emotionally and should I maybe actually threaten legal action or will it all blow up in my face . . . whee!)
ARE YOU ME??? No but really that’s like exactly my situation almost. The leak was fromt he apartment above mine, and there were like multiple times of “we fixed it” “ummm the water coming from above me says otherwise!” And then they’d be all “are you SURE the bowl was empty and the water was new??” which was some weird, unintentional gaslighting because I’d start to wonder if I WAS imagining it, and then I had to write it down/email a friend to confirm the bowl was empty so the next time I knew I wasn’t imagining it.
And yeah ugh that anxiety is/was the WORST. *hugs* Glad yours is fixed, too!
Thanks! Mine was actually inside the wall, so they had to tear out a whole chunk to get to it, and now every time I hear a noise I think it’s more leaking (which is not out of the realm of possibility – this is the third time in five years that there’s been a leak there, and, as discussed above, I’m not entirely sold on their ability to actually have fixed it, vs. making it go away long enough that I’ll shut up about it.) I took photos of every single thing, so I would have timestamped evidence that yes, this is a new wet spot, no it’s not just leftover dampness, etc.
I mostly split my time between the Toast and Pajiba, which is a pop culture site with well moderated comments and just enough snark (but not too much)
Metafilter, and Making Light (there aren’t new posts at ML every day but the convos in the comments go on all the time.)
Longform.org ! It’s the Atlantic Monthly’s compilation of the best long articles from across the Internets–really great way of getting in-depth news stories, essays, and fiction.
If anyone has cocktail recipes that pair well with Magic Mike XXL and celebrating a friend’s birthday at home, I would love some recommendations!
I am actually pretty bad at coming up with cocktails on the fly, so if you have a go-to cocktail for relaxed entertaining, I’d love to hear about it.
Moscow mules!! I haven’t met anyone who drinks cocktails who doesn’t enjoy Moscow mules, and they’re so easy to make.
ETA and if you’re already stocked up on ginger beer, there’s also the option of Dark and Stormies.
Good suggestion! I think my roommates even have those copper cups for mules.
Plus ginger beer goes with everything (tequila, whiskey, etc.)
I like to think I made this up but I probably didn’t: bourbon, Gosling’s ginger beer, a few drops of Rose’s, and a lime wedge, on ice
bourbon + ginger beer + bitters is delish!
If you’re an adventurous mixologist, I think something like a gin flip could be excellent, because it’s sweet and frothy, like the movie, you see.
Oo this looks interesting but a bit intimidating…
Not scary at all – just gotta shake-shake-shake, much like the handsome men on the screen!
A quality mezcal, a squeeze of lime, and a nice round-bottomed glass.
+1
I run a cocktail blog: eatbiscuitdrinkflip.tumblr.com They’re mostly Hannibal-themed (non-gory gifs on posts), but there’s a lot of variety and you might find something you like. I also take requests.
So so so so sharing your Tumblr with my BFF.
Yay! Thank you. 🙂 I’ve got a new post going up today, too. It’s all about alcoholic sorbets.
<chin in hand> This is the kind of quality content that keeps my attention.
This looks impressive! Can’t wait to peruse after work.
omg creative cocktails, a Man Ray pic that obliquely references my beloved Lee Miller, and a pic of an illustration from the Maurice Sendak Nutcracker? This is everything!
*beckoning gesture* Welcome to my aesthetic 😉
I have a lame but pink suggestion. I used to turn my nose up at cosmopolitans, but it turns out that they’re pretty good, if they’re not sloshed together and watered down in a plastic cup by a harried bartender, as I had known them from college.
I prebatched a jug of the booze parts and squeezed a bunch of lime juice ahead of a Bachelorette (PREBATCHELORETTE) viewing party, and it was super convenient to mix/shake on request. It fit the fluffy mood and it was tasty. It was a very drunken affair.
But just to rescue my petty sense of cocktail superiority, I also suggest The Symphony of Moist Joy, an obscure, strangely flavored cocktail with an a propos name. I modified this one to replace the insanely expensive rose liqueur with Tempus Fugit creme de violette and the cognac with Batavia Arrack. I am too embarrassed to tell you what I named it.
Pink and not very complicated sounds like just the ticket, actually.
I really hope y’all have cocktail wieners/ mini-sausages at the shindig, otherwise that is a total missed opportunity there.
I personally really like making mojitos, but you need a muddler.
You are correct and I will remedy this oversight as soon as I can get to a grocery store.
The wrong end of a wooden spoon is an excellent muddler in a pinch!
Aviation, on principle.
Ingredients: Crème de violette, 1/2 oz Maraschino liqueur, 1 1/2 oz Gin, 1/2 oz Lemon juice
Preparation: Add all ingredients into cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and strain into cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry.
Served: Straight up; without ice
Standard garnish: Cherry <—real maraschino cherries, don’t bother if it’s not the kind that are dark like clotted blood and surrounded by syrup.
Drinkware: Cocktail glass
The Toast, I have a Skype interview with an English school in Prague in exactly 40. I’m American so TEFL jobs in Europe are hard to come by. Wish me luck!
Good luck!
The interview went okay! Not my best ever, but still good enough that she invited me for a second interview/demo lesson. The problem is that I have to have that interview in person, which means a weekend trip from Russia to Prague. Spending a weekend in Prague is not a problem, but spending $200+ for a flight to Prague to interview for a job is. I already knew this might be a possibility though and I’d resigned myself to it, so I’m going for it. It’ll be worth it if I get the job and if it doesn’t work out, at least I got a weekend in Prague.
I’d better get that job though.
Additional update: I’ve now researched the freelance visa that the interviewer said teachers get and I’m depressed because I’d need to provide proof of living funds that I do not have. Most places online say to borrow the money from someone and then give it back after you’ve sent in your documentation, but I don’t know many people who could lend me that much money, even if I am giving it back right after. Probably my grandparents, but I still would feel wrong asking someone to lend me lots of money for even a short period of time.
Oh no, that sucks. I know that feeling all too well – I know my parents need the money themselves and therefore don’t want to ask them even if I need money…
But why isn’t your potential salary proof enough?
Any way the school could lend you the money? I’ve had jobs lend me money for visas before and then take it out of my salary over a period of months.
Those of you who have ever made a big move to another place: please share your wisdom! How do you make friends? How do you make positive long-term decisions feel good in the short-term?
(More below.)
Those of you in academia will be especially familiar with this. But many of you have probably made moves for other kinds of work. Anything you learned from that would be really nice to hear.
This summer I took a good job hundreds of miles from my city, husband, and friends. It’s good to take risks (right?), and this made sense for our long-term goals (better benefits, lower cost of living). But I’m feeling blue about it this week, after missing out on some close friends’ birthdays and getting invitations to holiday parties I can’t attend. My partner will move here in seven or eight months, but long-distance is less than ideal and travel is expensive. Initially I felt really grateful to be in the kind of relationship where we could respect each other’s professional goals and make this time apart work. But long-distance is a little exhausting. The transition year that seemed reasonably doable is beginning to feel tough.
This is the first week I’ve wondered if the move was a mistake. Rationally I know it takes time to make friends / establish yourself in a new place, and I should be grateful this feeling didn’t set in earlier. But it’s a very small community, and there are few people within ten years of my age. It’s going to be months or years before I can establish a small circle of friends again. (And it’s hard not to think, “Maybe if I just moved back…?”)
So how did your move go? How far did you move, and when did you feel at home there? Do you have any other advice for keeping focus on good long-term decisions that feel kind of shitty in the short-term?
(Maybe I just need to throw a kick-ass party?)
Well, I’ve done a big move a couple of times (one of which was a move “back”, and there’s nothing wrong with that if you end up doing the same!).
Honestly, It took about a year to really feel like I had a few good friends in my new town. Making friends is definitely hard, but when I would go to meetups or Toast gatherings or something similar, I’d just tell people, “Hey! I’m new and came here today to make friends!” It feels weird to say, but it let people know I’m “available” for friendship, and made me feel like I was putting positive energy out there, even if I didn’t actually ask people to hang out.
Regarding not feeling like you’ve made a mistake…as tough as it is, I think just reminding yourself that this experience, the new job, whatever it is that brought you there, it’s not a wasted experience. Even if you move back.
I moved around this time last year and I have to say, if you have enough acquaintances you’d like to turn into full-fledged friends then definitely try throwing a party. When we threw our housewarming party (which was really a BE OUR FRIENDS party) we invited over some people we’d only met once but wanted to get to know better because they seemed like nice folks.The party was a perfect time to talk and laugh and eat and make plans to hang out again. Those “nice folks” are now some of my absolute best friends. So invite people over and when you talk about things to do around town, don’t be afraid to propose plans. “Oh you’ve always wanted to try restaurant X? Me too! Why don’t we go together?” or “I love roller derby! Next time you go to a bout, would you mind if I tagged along?” Good luck!
Man, I did that once and exactly ZERO people came to my party. I ended up moving back pretty much just because that town sucked so hard.
I’ve been in my new town a year and a half, and I just tried to organize a group dinner thing for tomorrow, and got ONE yes. So yeah, this stuff is haaaaard! *whine*
On a more positive note, though, I have found group fitness classes to be a good way to meet people. Suffering together at least gives you something to talk about at the beginning, even if it’s just “ow ow ow.”
I moved from Columbus, OH to a small town in Wisconsin that is far away from everything. In Ohio, I had lots of friends and family nearby, and was 10 minutes away from the airport, so I could jet off to see other friends really easily and somewhat cheaply. Now I’m 90 minutes from the biggest major city and know approximately 2 people in town. I met my boyfriend here on Tinder, so that’s made the transition a lot easier. And I made 1 girl friend because we were both hooking up with the same dude (also a Tinder guy, from before I met my bf) and he introduced us. We both ditched him and stayed friends.
It’s been 7 months and I still feel a little adrift. I just joined a roller derby league on a whim, and I’m gonna stick with it even though I’m not great at it, because I desperately need friends and these women are really nice and fun. I also joined a young professionals group and show up to all their events to socialize. I need to be better about getting people’s numbers and asking to hang out, though I click with people in person then we both go our separate ways and don’t see each other again! I’m also looking into MeetUp. Basically, I don’t feel completely at home yet, and really miss the vibrancy and youthfulness of Columbus, but there seem to be glimmers of friendship possibilities here. I just have to make a serious effort to find opportunities to meet people and follow up. I still miss being in a city, though. It’s hard to make that transition to a small-ish town.
So…no advice from me, just commiserating. It’s tough! Good luck to you!
“And I made 1 girl friend because we were both hooking up with the same dude (also a Tinder guy, from before I met my bf) and he introduced us. We both ditched him and stayed friends.”
Just want to say, I love this.
Pay attention to cultivating your home as a place you feel good about being in. Like, yes, it’s important to meet people, but whenever I move the first thing I need to do is establish home base as somewhere I am happy even when I have no contact with other people.
For me, this is about sensual pleasures–a really nice throw blanket, one of those really expensive scented candles that lasts forever (or at least a properly Interesting scent from etsy), fluffy socks or slippers. Buy some stupidly gorgeous creamy soft letter paper and a fountain pen (JetPens has amazingly good ones for quite cheap) and write letters to your friends in other places, because everyone loves receiving Real Mail. Stop in at a little candy shop on your way home and just buy one perfect truffle that you can enjoy after dinner with a cup of tea.
The other thing little rituals like that do is create a way that I can recharge, so that I’m more on-my-game when I’m interacting with people. I’m working from a place of… I can’t say calm because I have No Chill Whatsoever no matter what I do, but I feel better about myself when I treat myself well, and that enables me to be kinder and more gracious towards others, which goes miles in making friends.
I moved to a place where I have acquaintances in the same town and good friends in nearby cities (but not “hang out on the reg” nearby) and I was just straight up like, I don’t have any friends so please invite me to stuff and introduce me to people, thx. YMMV with this technique.
If you can swing it, I found it’s also helpful to let go of ideas of what I “should be” spending money on. I accept basically every social invitation I get, which can get pricy, but oh well! (This was more of me shutting down my internal “don’t spend money” voice — I’m not saying you should go out and drop tons of cash on craft cocktails if it’s going to cause you hardship.)
Ah this is great! Thanks for getting this topic started: I’ve found all the comments really helpful and reassuring. I’ve just done a big transatlantic move with my husband to a city where neither of us had met anyone. It’s going … OK? I think. There are really tough days. And then really rewarding ones, and it’s difficult to tell at the outset of each day how it’s going to be.
I think Scarlet_Flight’s point about how the experience won’t be wasted no matter what happens has been really helpful to me. Because moving has definitely taught me to be grateful for the amazing circle of friends I have (still very much present tense, because we write letters and emails and have weepy skype sessions) and as much as a lot of advice is about making new friends, and for good reason, since you’ll want to put down new roots, I’d say that it’s very possible to maintain the friendships from home that are important to you. And it’s taught me how resilient I can be. And a bunch of other things, which I will take with me wherever I go next.
Well, ymmv, but I always give myself like a month or two to be a brat about it. I hate change, I’m gonna bitch, everything is different, etc. And THEN I have to be tough with myself. It’s like a mourning period, only bratty.
In terms of friends, I am a shameless friend-stealer (with permission from existing friends/acquaintances) and also finding my local Toast/Pin group has been a source of great joy for me after moves.
I love this. I’ll be moving again in the summer, and am totally going to factor in some brat time.
When I moved from Vancouver to an industrial-based, sports minded rural town 8 hours away from ANYWHERE, I suffered, my fellow Toastie, not gonna lie. But what helped my transition was finding a club pertaining to my interests (in this case, a Canadian Kennel Club), attending meetings, functions, etc. Did I meet my bestie there? Nope, but I did have tons of fun with those, uh, INTENSE dog ladies and through them, I eventually did meet someone who turned into a wonderful friend (and promptly introduced me to INTENSE horse people and Lordy, if those two worlds ever met, there would not be enough beer or wine to go around…those ladies like to party-hardy! Did I mention the tons of fun?)
So I guess my advice is: if you have a special interest in something, find a safe space that makes you feel comfortable and welcome, and dive in! Good luck and happy adventures to you!
In each new place, the first thing I do is decide where to volunteer. Planned Parenthood is my favorite. Or a children’s services kind of thing that focuses on teaching girls to be strong, smart, and bold. This way, I am contributing to my new community and also guaranteed to meet other progressives and feminists.
I posted this on Twitter last night, but I just want you all to be aware that I have been binge-watching Miss Fisher but took a break last night to watch The Babadook, and didn’t recognize Essie Davis. At all. No nagging feeling that I knew her from somewhere or anything.
You have just BLOWN MY MIND because I never realized that was her. And now I’ve googled it and NOW I see it, but STILL, mind blown. Wow.
It’s an excellent illustration of the role that hairstyle, coloring, and mannerisms play in how we look! And I find it personally inspiring to know that the same person can be both Amelia and Phryne.
Also blew my mind that she’s in Girl with a Pearl Earring. Such a good actor!
Welp, I sure didn’t realize! Though so far I’ve only watched one episode of Miss Fisher.
The Babadook messed me up! My friend said it was “creepy”; I thought it was the most terrifying thing I’d ever seen.
Hey Toasties, word is it’s Trans Day of Remembrance, and my long-time friend’s first piece on trans/NB life is up over on Splice Today about their decision to start HRT. It’s sweet and a little funny, and I’m real happy for them, so you maybe want to read it.
Let’s see if I’ve correctly guessed how to include links!
Edit: hahaaaaaa apparently not, I think I fixed it.
This was a great read, thanks for sharing!
Toasties, plz help. I’m finally watching Hannibal. I’m now at the start of the second season, and I can feel the fangirl tumblers (or is it…tumblrs?!) in my brain clicking into place. Can’t stop watching the Adventures of Distressed Dog Boy and Sensual Lizard Man. Urge to binge the rest of the two seasons…strong…
Please send help.
And by help I mean Mads Mikkelsen gifs.
I’m going to recommend not binge-watching the whole thing, because of existential unmooring.
Too laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttteee….
(The unmooring, not the binging!)
Which episode of s2 are you on? Because it only gets weirder from here on out, fyi. I recommend willgrahamhasaniceday.tumblr.com as a palate cleanser between bouts of staring blankly into the uncaring void.
Oh, only episode 2. I’m looking forward to riding this crazy train to the very last stop. That said, DOGGIES! (Plz say Winston doesn’t get killed. Plzzzz.)
I can, with perfect honesty, tell you that Winston does not die.
Oh thank GOD. (I love that I got three responses to this inquiry in like three minutes. Dogs surviving is serious business. *Still scarred by John Wick.*)
Dude, it’s Hannibal: the dogs are the only certain thing in an uncaring universe. We need to know they’re ok, Bryan Fuller.
#1 rule of any Bryan Fuller show: the dogs will be fine. The dogs will always be fine. All the humans will be physically and psychologically destroyed, but the pups will be ok.
I think you have articulated a good portion of why I like Bryan Fuller’s shows so much. As long as the dogs are okay, all is right with the world.
Winston is sacred. The fanbase would have collectively revolted if something happened to Winston.
The urge to binge will be great, but you must pace yourself because the emotions. THE EMOTIONS.
I’m holding myself back by only watching while doing my morning exercise. It was too creepy for Mr. Bourne, so we can’t watch it together in the evenings. Also, it makes me want to actually exercise!
Hie thee at once to Livejournal and read Cleolinda’s Hannibal recaps, if you haven’t already! They’re so detailed and thorough and intricate. She’s a long-time SOTL fan and knows the universe inside out and her insights into the show have been really valuable to me as a noob who just stumbled into it because of Mads’ cheekbones.
Aw sweet, this is EXACTLY what I need – thanks!
221drunkb on Tumblr has a bunch of meta that talks about the show in relation to fairy tales and fairy tale symbolism here if you’re into that sort of thing. If not, here, have this:
Awww yeah, that’s the stuff.
HELLO, HELLO FRIEND, COME FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR where I am caralarm-bicycles and my blog is LOTS OF HANNIBAL.
The only problem with binge-watching is that then it will be over. What a conundrum.
Gotta make myself a tumblr one of these days so I can follow all you lovely Toast people. In the meantime, I will creepily flip through it! (Or whatever the tumblr term for lurking is.) Ooo, Dancies. Thanks!
If you enjoy cocktails, I do a mostly-Hannibal cocktail tumblr: eatbiscuitdrinkflip.tumblr.com
I do! Therefore, NICE!
The food stylist has a wonderful, nerdy blog called Feeding Hannibal: http://janicepoonart.blogspot.ca/
Janice also has a cookbook coming out next year!
Much like the show itself, I am simultaneously disgusted and hungry.
You all are killing me and my productivity with these great links. Thank you!
Calling it “Adventures of Distressed Dog Boy and Sensual Lizard Man” for the rest of my life now
In case you missed it, the lovely Jane Marie is bringing Friday Bargain Bin to The Toast! We are so excited!
We are also acquiring Liner Notes, that fab makeup history series by Alex Nursall, so the death of Millihelen has some fringe (did you see what I did there) benefits for Toasties.
YES YES YES YES YES
Now if you could just get the beauty box roundup, I would almost never have to visit another site on the internet!!!!
YESS. Loved that column!
WHOA!!!!!!! That’s awesome and wonderful and supercalafragalicious-expeealladocious news!!!!!! ❤️
Ask and we shall receive! I was wondering if all the pleas for for Jane Marie at the Toast would bear fruit!
!!!! NICE
YES!
yay this is the best news 😀
Yes!!
All of my internet loves are slowly converging!
The Iowa Writer’s MOOC is ending! So bittersweet! But we’ve has started a Toasties writing group on Slack — come on over!
https://toasties.slack.com/messages
Seriously, the only reason I kept going back to that MOOC was the Toastie group. Love that we’re keeping it going over on slack!
It’s so wonderful and also so many talented writers!
I am not a Slack user at present – does one require an invite to join? Can I just click a button somewhere that indicates my interest in being added to the group?
I was invited to join, I sent an email message to meganlogan42(at)gmail.com with “Toasties Slack” in the Subject line.
That’s me! Go ahead and shoot me an email at meganlogan42(at)gmail.com just like EllaAstor said and I’ll get you added!
It’s true. Everyone there is so talented that if they also weren’t amazingly kind, I’d be scared to talk to them
Slack groups require email invites 🙂
Thanks anniekate, I’ll be sure to post that in the replies!
To join the slack group, you have to be invited: Megan, who formed the group, has given me permission to give her email address:
Send an email message to meganlogan42(at)gmail.com with “Toasties Slack” in the Subject line.
Wonderful! I kind of lost steam on the MOOC after missing a week. Something about the schedule never worked for me. I am totally going to join the slack though and hopefully it will inspire/shame me to keep writing.
Same, I think I needed more space between things, and I found the “classes” bits really confusing to follow and kind of shut down whenever I looked at them
I thought that some of the classes had good information, but a lot of them didn’t seem to quite fit with the theme of the week. I also needed more space between things, or maybe I just needed to plan better for the class so that I wasn’t trying to do it on top of all my other normal day to day stuff.
Can I join even though I didn’t MOOC? (I have. . .a complicated relationship with Iowa.) But I always like to find cool writing groups.
Of course, that’s why I posted here! Follow directions above to email to megan and she’ll get you set up on Slack! Welcome!
Toasties,
My dear friend Daniel is getting married in Seattle in January. He really, really, wants (expects) me to attend the wedding, though I am not asked to be in the Wedding Party. I love Daniel, I think his spouse-to-be is super duper cool and will probably love them as I get to know them more… and I just really really really do not want to go. I do not want to pay travel costs, do the actual traveling, sleep in Not My Own Bed, dress up in fancy clothes, and spend two days with a few people I know and even more people that I don’t know. And I don’t know how to tell this to Daniel without hurting his feelings/sounding terribly selfish (although I probably am being terribly selfish). I am all for this wedding, I just want to cheer it on from home.
Help/thoughts?
It is always okay to say no. This sounds like a perfect case for the Enthusiastic No, which is “Thank you so much for inviting me! I so wish I could go, but I just can’t, I’m so sorry. But thank you so much and I just cannot wait to hear all about it and see the pictures!”
It’s okay to say no, even to a dear friend! Send your regrets and a nice gift, and if he presses, I’d go with “I’m so sorry, I just can’t, but thank you so much!”
“I wish I could make it! Let’s plan a visit another time when we’ll be able to actually spend time together and catch up.”
Hmm. If the travel costs are a real burden for you, then I think politely but enthusiastically declining as mentioned elsewhere is appropriate. Similarly if you suffer an illness or disability that would make it grueling to attend.
Otherwise, you need to suck it up and go, you really do. I say this as someone who feels much the same way as you about the activities you don’t want to do (especially the being stuck somewhere with a group of strangers), and as someone who has been a ruthless opter-out in life. But sometimes you have to power through because the event is uniquely symbolic or important. That generally includes weddings. If you don’t go, you WILL hurt your friend’s feelings badly (whether he says so or not) and you WILL miss a memorable event in his life. You only get so many people you love, and there will only ever be so many weddings of friends to attend. “I prefer not to” is a road it’s wise not to take too far.
I agree with this–if you can’t afford to go, give the enthusiastic no, as mentioned above. But if the main reason you’re thinking of not going is the social anxiety aspect, you should go. I say this as someone who got married a few years ago. One of my best friends didn’t make it, and it still sorta bums me out. It was such an important day for me, and I wanted my friends to be there to celebrate it with me. I also say that as someone with social anxiety who also tends to skip things I should go to. I’m trying to do that a lot less as I get older, and I usually end up very happy that I opted in.
I have a very close friend from HS getting married next year and I’ve been having similar thoughts (although I haven’t gotten an invite yet). It’s across the country and taking time off is always a bitch as a freelancer cause it means I overload the weeks around it and that time of year always seems to be especially busy AND there’s a film festival here in town around that time of year that I’ve been wanting to actually make it to for years and am meaning for this year to be the one. Add to all of that that I know that the person getting married is always too busy getting married to actually hang out with the guests, and wedding’s have just never been my thing (I recognize that marriage is something super important and sacred to lots of people and great for them, but it’s not important to me personally). I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s ok to tell her I’d rather make a separate trip up later when we can actually chill more.
It’s okay not to go! If your friend is reasonable, all your reasons are okay, and he must expect that friends who live far away will likely not be able to attend. None of my best friends could make it to my wedding, that was 100% fine and I celebrated with them next time we were in the same place. Send something thoughtful, and make plans for the next time you can see each other.
You can definitely not go. But if it is possible for you to go, you should.
There are times you Show Up for people, and weddings are one of them. No matter if it’s inconvenient or not exactly what you would like to be doing. Some things are higher callings than pleasing ourselves (and hey, listen, I please myself ALL the time, most of the time even). But yeah, sometimes you just have to show up.
Is it possible for you to bring a plus-one (friend or significant other)? That’s an awkward thing to have to ask about as a guest, but if it makes the difference between you going or not going, it might be worth it to him. Or alternatively, if you have one or two good friends (or even good acquaintances) that you know, maybe try getting in touch with them beforehand to coordinate plans — same hotel, arrival and departure time for sharing airport travel. I agree that being present is important, if you can swing it. “Cheering it on from home” is for old classmates you rarely see and cost-prohibitive destination weddings, not dear friends that you love.
Agreed with previous posters regarding going if you can afford to. You are important enough to be invited to someone’s wedding, and they are willing to spend the money to include you in their invite list, which is a big deal.
If you can’t make it, send a gift and a card–especially if they’re a close friend. I had a lot of no-shows at my wedding, even from people who are close to me, and it still hurts. Your presence is important, and meaningful (no guilt intended, but just a different perspective).
IT’S JESSICA JONES DAY!!!!!
Thoughts, squee and such go here! I won’t get to start watching until this afternoon but I AM SO PSYCHED.
Also, all the issues of Alias are $0.99 on Comixology which is the cheapest I’ve ever seen it, and since it’s not going to be on Marvel Unlimited any time soon, I highly recommend picking it up.
Okay, serious question here: I really want to watch Jessica Jones but have had some folks say that I should probably watch Daredevil first. I saw the first two episodes last week, but haven’t watched the rest yet. So does anyone know: How much does it actually matter? How inter-related are they really?
(I have nothing against finishing Daredevil; it’s just that I’m really bad at powering through and watching all of a show unless I’m making a really really serious considered effort to do it.)
I actually have no clue how inter-related they are at this point. I do know one character from Daredevil will be appearing in Jessica Jones, but I don’t know how tightly related the plots are. They released a free comic to try and bridge the two stories, but I don’t know if that was just to bring the two stories together and build off of the success of Daredevil. In the comics, Jessica is a friend of Matt’s and serves as a bodyguard for him for a while, but there’d be no reason for them to know each other at all yet in the MCU.
Okay, thanks! That makes sense. I knew that the two knew each other in comics, but had no idea if folks were gonna say, “Oh, yeah, you can tell that just from watching Daredevil that [this thing, these episodes, etc] is really laying the foundation for something that’s going to be important in Jessica Jones.”
I mean, I’ll probably finish Daredevil at some point, but I wasn’t sure if I should make an effort to that before watching Jessica Jones. Which seems like (almost) everything I have ever wanted from a show.
FYI, I just asked a friend who’s ~3 episodes in if he thought someone needed to see Daredevil first, and he said not at all- you can see it without having seen much of anything in the MCU.
I got bored halfway through the first episode of Daredevil and am halfway through the second one of JJ and am really liking it.
I am so stoked. I have explained to no fewer than 10 people in my office that my entire weekend is already booked, thankyouverymuch.
I watched the first two episodes when they popped up at 4 am. Definitely not the ideal lifestyle decision even for a night owl because then giddiness kept me awake with NO ONE TO TALK TO until nearly 7 am, but totally worth it.
But now I’m pretending to pace myself since I actually have stuff to do this weekend and a paper due next week.
I have to wait until tomorrow because I have evening plans. Stupid social life.
I have literally made an account just to talk to people about this…I was planning on marathoning at least a few episodes but the end of the first totally blindsided me and so now I am spending some time weeping. Enjoyed it though, think I might have to psych myself up to continue.
I know! So many feelings!!
Oh god. The ending of the first episode. I almost didn’t keep going because it was so fucked up.
Hey toasties. So the biggest news this week is that I made a Twitter! I get 24/7 Mallory and Nicole and I’m loving it. Follow @scottiedaisy if you want bad puns and/or to live vicariously through me.
In the college sector, classes are winding down, our thxgiving break starts on Wednesday but I don’t have any classes that week because our professors like to take a long break. I’m riding home on Tuesday with my girlfriend, her grandparents(!) and my friend Alaska. Then Alaska stays over for one night, the next day I get my braces off (hopefully) and then my family drives up to DC to stay with extended family. That’s the scariest part. I know my immediate family will accept and understand me. I’m not sure about my extended family.
There actually was a talk here at Agnes about it called “Homo for the Holidays”. Because my school is awesome and great.
I didn’t get into our school play, but it’s fine I wasn’t expecting anything. Still gonna costume it.
Our last queer discussion was yesterday….if you think about it, “privilege” could be replaced with “comfort”.
Any tips on coming out to family? Or at least just telling them I have a girlfriend?
As someone else who came out to her parents over a college Thanksgiving break, I send you strength and hope that your parents will be lovely! It’s a scary-ass thing (I still vividly remember sitting on my bed trembling before telling my parents), but you can do it. <3
One thing that helped me, like, a surprising amount: make a list of friends or other trusted people you can call afterwards. Even if you don’t wind up doing so, I found it really comforting to have a physical presence, I guess, of people I knew had my back when I was doing this scary thing.
how I came out to my mom: oh hey mom here’s how college has been going, haha, yeah it’s so different, these are my friends, this friend told me she was in love with me and I felt really bad bc I didn’t like her back
mom: because you’re straight
me: uhhh not really.
other options: mention the queer things you’re involved with as part of a general college discussion, see how family member reacts, then proceed to mentioning your girlfriend.
I really go for the nonchalant angle because I want the undertone in the interaction to be “this is not a big deal, I do not want a reaction from this, but I think it is helpful for you to know for future reference because it probably isn’t something you assumed about me.” but idk if that’s possible or even what you want from your own experience so… best of luck!! You’ll be great. Unrelatedly, I am going to follow you on twitter.
I am not queer and therefore did not have to come out to my parents in that way, but they were EXTREMELY narrow-minded evangelicals, and telling them over Thanksgiving of my 1st year of college that I was becoming Catholic was … not great. I actually waited until my mother was driving me back, at which point she veered sharply off the highway during bumper-to-bumper gridlock (super fun and not at all terrifying!!) and threatened to not take me back to college. She called my father, who at that point was a much more reasonable person than my mother, from a hotel parking lot and he managed to talk her down from that at least. On a subsequent visit, she confiscated my cellphone (which she was paying for) and my laptop charger — she didn’t pay for my laptop so she couldn’t justify taking that, but the charger meant I couldn’t use “her” electricity to communicate with the outside world… and the fights were epic.
(I do not really have a relationship with my parents any more, for this and many other reasons.)
Hopefully your parents are way cooler on a regular basis than my parents ever were, but if you’re worried that they’ll freak out, make sure you have some way to get to a safe space right after you tell them. Think out all the worst-case scenarios, even if you have no reason to believe it won’t go fine, and keep a friend in the loop if you can.
I don’t say this to scare you, but parents can be a funny breed sometimes. And don’t forget that you don’t NEED to tell them, if you truly feel like it’s dangerous/unsafe or can’t deal with it at this point. Good luck!! <3
My parents are uber Catholic. We shall see how this goes.
I can definitely tell you what NOT to do at Thanksgiving, which happens to be exactly what I did:
Do not tell your entire family together at once, regardless of how close you are or how homophobic they are.
Do not preface your coming-out with a plug for your school fundraiser.
Do not tell them that if they’re homophobic, they shouldn’t touch your pie because it has gay vibes.
And do not immediately run upstairs in shame, leaving them to try and work out what the fuck just happened.
“Do not tell them that if they’re homophobic, they shouldn’t touch your pie because it has gay vibes. ”
I felt immediately sorry for laughing so hard at this. I hope everything worked out in the long-run!
Re: telling one’s extended family, I told my parents (who handled my coming out well and were very welcoming to my ex-girlfriend) that they could tell people as they felt comfortable. I have a *huge* extended family so it is not difficult to just not mention life events, even if they’re pretty major. My extended family all live in my small, rural hometown where my parents live so I knew they’d have to deal with the fallout while I lived my lovely queer life in Chicago, which is why I left it up to them. They ended up telling some of my aunts and uncles who they spend the most time with and then letting word spread on its own. A couple parts were a bit ugly but over all it worked out fine for me and them. As everyone else has said, YMMV. If you have a small or very tight knit family, this approach might not work as well. I also suspected correctly that my extended family would choose to protect its own regardless of their conservative/religious leanings which was helpful. I know many of my family members don’t support gay marriage or queerness in general but blood trumps opinions so they don’t shun me. That doesn’t sound super uplifting I guess but it’s comforting to me in its own way.
I came out to my parents on Christmas break and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It went… medium okay. Good luck to you!
A kid from my community was killed in a terrorist attack in Israel yesterday. We’re all reeling in shock and sadness. Way to top off this shitty week, universe.
His name was Ezra Schwartz. He was a really sweet kid.
http://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/195253/massachuse…
Oh man, I just found out about this yesterday; Ezra was a friend-of-friends. I’m very sorry for your loss and the world’s loss.
I am so sorry, that is horrifying.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss, honey.
Toasts, what has helped you get through this week? I purchased a 1,500 pieces jigsaw puzzle recently and am now trying to solve it while listening to either Hamilton or Bleak Expectations on YouTube. It’s equal parts frustrating and oddly comforting and calms me very much.
I bought a coloring book and a fresh new set of colored pencils. Ahhh.
Yay!! I just started a 3,000 piece puzzle that will likely take me through the SAD days of winter and into the spring. Pairs well with a podcast and a bowl of popcorn.
I was very sad last night but my boyfriend and I watched game shows from the 70s on youtube and that helped tremendously.
I am so jealous. A few years ago I lived in a house with an unused bedroom and we used to do puzzles and listen to This American Life in there. Now I’m in an apartment with no room for the kind of massive puzzle I dream of doing. I’m house hunting now and every place I see I assess what room would be best for puzzling.
Trader Joe’s spicy chai latte powder mix (it says to put it in hot water, but why wouldn’t you use milk?! this is like people who use water as a base for hot chocolate. All wrong) and “The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making.” And skyping my girlfriend!
When I was in grad school I lived in a basement apartment with a pool table (it was weird, yes) and I used it for giant puzzles. I worked a huge puzzle all winter while listening to stuff and it was surprisingly therapeutic. It got me through some shit.
Now I have a hard time doing puzzles because I have two dreadfully behaved cats who would steal all the pieces.
I like to think of it as a form of meditating. I just sit on the floor and don’t have to think about all of the horrible stuff that’s happening right now in the world.
Bleak Expectations is like an IV of giddiness to me.
I needed to replace my phone this month (theft) and have been playing with a bunch of new apps, including Colorfly and logic grid puzzles, which give me pleasant memories of my elementary school gifted pullout class, where I actually became friends with The Cool Girl, but also just very satisfying–I think it soothes my brain to be able to fill in tiny boxes with a definitive answer instead of a string of why/how/if/I should/oh god oh god. Ditto for crossword puzzles.
Which time zone is The Toast in, anyway? What time does the open thread get posted where you are?
Also, does anyone know why the open threads are numbered weirdly? This URL says 91, but last week I think it was 450 or something like that.
Questions, questions…
It appears at about 5pm for me.
Open thread is noon East Coast time. I am on Mountain Time, Mallory is on Pacific Time, Nikki is on East Coast time. The URLs do their thing, none can stand agin’ them.
Thanks! So, new content gets posted before noon, local Toast time?
No, we often have new content after link roundups as well, depending on the week, usually just one post, though.
That’s actually a good question. I always assumed it ran on US East Coast time because it’s posted at noon (for me), and that seemed like a perfectly logical time to pick.
Same here! Though I did wonder why it was called “cocktail hour” when clearly it was a lunchtime chat.
Eh, the sun’s below the yard-arm somewhere!
So I’m….NOT supposed to be drinking just because it’s called “cocktail hour”?
Cocktail hour is a state of mind.
Also, 3-martini lunches.
The numbering is automatically generated by the content management system — it counts how many posts there have been with that same title. Sometimes it’s called “open thread” and sometimes it’s called “cocktail hour” and sometimes “cocktail hour open thread,” and the system increments the number for each of those separately.
I never noticed that the name varied! This explains everything.
It shows up at 9 a.m. for me (Pacific time) which is the perfect way to kill an entire work day, beginning to end.
Same!
i’m pacific time and it starts at 9 am on the dot, which means my friday mornings at work are…not the most productive.
11 am for me, which is perfect for ruining my Friday afternoons, especially if I’ve already had a not-productive morning reading the Link Round up.
I love Central Time.
Open Thread happens at 6 PM for me, sooo I either spend Friday nights at my computer, or reply to a few people and then ghost the thread until Saturday afternoon when I suddenly remember that I was talking to someone on the internet.
Friday! Open thread!
Ok, so I’m reading “Selfish, Shallow & Self-Absorbed,” this book of essays by people who have decided not to have kids. Pretty good, except for Lionel Shriver’s weirdly racist diatribe complete with “PC culture” straw-manning (no, liberal culture doesn’t need to make room for discourse about how declining Western white birthrates is sad, go ahead and feel sad, but someone’s gonna rightfully point out that that’s really fuckin racist).
The next essay after that was a nice palate cleanser, but it had one line that is bugging me: the author was talking about literary culture and said something like “no great novel by a canonical author has had motherhood as its subject.” Bugging me not cause I think it’s incorrect, but because I’m like…how did I never notice that? Is it really true? (The only example I can think of is Beloved and that’s debatable.) In light of that excellent Solnit piece in yesterday’s link roundup, are there canonical white-dude-reading-list books about fatherhood? I got nothing for that off the top of my head, either. So…thoughts? Any books about motherhood you think should be in the canon once we kick out all the misogynists in the glorious feminist future?
I vote for After Birth by Elisa Albert.
oooh, this is on my to-read list, it looks awesome.
Lionel Shriver, wow. I mean, We Need to Talk About Kevin rocked, and so did Double Fault and The Post-Birthday World, but some of her early novels about Africa (Female of the Species, Game Control) and the new one about weight loss (Big Brother) are BANANAS.
right??? I’ve only read Kevin so I wasn’t really prepared for that from her specifically. I had gotten a heads up that the editor was known for some White Feminist Views, so I expected to disagree with some stuff, but….not quite that violently, no.
The Handmaid’s Tale kinda fits, in a perverse sort of way.
Carol Shields’ Unless I remember being very focused on the protagonist’s experience as a mother, and I found Shriver’s We Need to Talk About Kevin was very much about the darkest feelings of motherhood (though I’m pretty grossed out to hear about the piece you’ve just read, and was pretty turned off her books after reading reviews for Big Brother). Celeste Ng’s Everything I Never Told You doesn’t have parenthood as its central subject, but dealt amazingly with family dynamics from everyone’s perspectives.
A lot of books I love seem to be about the parent-child relationship from the perspective of the (adult) child, and I think it’d be so interesting to read more from the opposite end.
yeah, I really am surprised i couldn’t come up with more “books about being a parent” that weren’t from the child’s perspective or more accurately about something else or about family as a whole. I can think of a few chick-lit/domestic comedy books on motherhood, but not much canon-potential literature. and I can think of plenty of hypothetical reasons for that, pretty much all coming down to ‘sexism, it’s the worst” but I don’t know how valid any of them are.
(Ooh, maybe The Bean Trees? That’s also about a lot of other things as well, though…)
I assume ‘sexism’ is pretty valid for why it’s not a topic examined more often, and am now wondering whether there are great books about being a parent out there, they’re just not widely known enough?
The Bean Trees looks good! I’ve borrowed The Poisonwood Bible from friends several times but never got around to reading it, and that is my only Kingsolver experience…
One I just remembered having loved this year was The Hen Who Dreamed She Could Fly.
I read that book and Lionel Shriver’s essay actually made me go and remove all of her books from my to-read list.
same here
I did not know Lionel Shriver was a woman until just this minute. Huh. She sounds kind of like a jerk.
Isn’t Kate Chopin’s The Awakening considered pretty canonical? A quotation from that which has always stuck with me is, “I would give my life for my children, but I wouldn’t give myself.”
ooh, I’m not really familiar with that book, but that is a great quote.
The Yellow Wallpaper is a short story? novella? but it’s also pretty canonical, right?
This is a good question. I can’t comment on all aspects of it by any means, but I have a couple of thoughts.
I’m just thinking about what Nicole said in a recent post about adoption, that the plots of many books are driven by literal or figurative orphanhood. That’s pretty much the plot of everything from the Bible to the Three Little Pigs. Therefore moms figure in heavily by their absence or the escapes that their children make from them.
Also, I think a lot of novels are focused on development of characters, with external relationships of all sorts being merely the catalyst to internal happenings. For example, I find it hard to name a long list of books just about marriage, though many characters are married and influenced by marriage. I think most modern women, like their fictional counterparts, see motherhood as one of many aspects of their character.
That being said, there is definitely a place for more books exploring the tremendous impact motherhood has on women.
Finally, Amy Tan has written several novels about motherhood, and there are a number of good memoirs that heavily feature mothers (Angela’s Ashes, Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight, etc).
oooh, I hadn’t made that connection to how many stories have totally absent moms, that is such a good point! And yes to Amy Tan, absolutely.
Madame Bovary’s at least partially about being a not-very-good mom, right? My memory of it’s kind of fuzzy. And it’s not the main focus of Anna Karenina but her relationship with her kid play a role (also Dolly’s role as mother is emphasized, and Kitty’s childbirth, but they’re much less central to the story). That’s all I got.
My Real Children by Jo Walton isn’t canonical [yet]. It is about motherhood, and it is not. Mostly, it’s a darned good read.
it’s in the Toastcanon!
I’ve only heard interviews with the author, but Pregnant Butch should definitely make the list if the book is as remotely interesting as the author…
This essay (or an excerpt from it) was also published in the London Review of Books, and letter-writers definitely went to town on that claim about motherhood as a subject. How about pretty much all of Elizabeth Gaskell?
Kristin Lavransdatter is not canonical only because of sexism, but it did win a Nobel, so there.
I’d also nominate The Bluest Eye and Little Women, for the vey most opposite ends of the spectrum. Is it a stretch to say Little Women is about motherhood? Marmee is a background figure but as a mother it now seems to me to be very much about how to let your children grow through their mistakes and develop as people.
A lot of Sue Miller’s work is about motherhood, and Margaret Drabble’s. Bee Season by I forget who. A Suitable Boy spends quite a lot of time being about motherhood, almost as much as about politics.
Myla Goldberg! I loved Bee Season. Yeah, those are definitely some books that belong in the canon.
Not a novel, but Ibsen and to a lesser extent George Bernard Shaw have some pretty motherhood-centric plays (at the least Mrs. Warren’s Profession for GBS).
I’d add in Barbara Kingsolver, especially The Bean Tress/Pigs in Heaven.
And Poisonwood Bible.
It’s a difficult question, because I suppose books about women who are mothers don’t count unless they focus primarily on motherhood itself. And that is pretty limiting to a writer, which is probably why there aren’t a lot of famous books that are identifiably about fatherhood either; the only famous book about fatherhood that’s popping into my head right now is Christina Stead’s The Man Who Loved Children, where the father is monstrous. Is motherhood something that tends to be written about more in the context of war, I wonder? I was thinking about Kipling’s short story “The Gardener,” which is a gorgeous story and 100% about motherhood, but in the context of sending your kid off to war to get killed. Kipling has a lot of good stories about being a bereaved parent – not so many about just parenthood in general.
Toastfolk! Tomorrow is my move day! I’m panicking a little that I’ve forgotten something important, despite having boxed most of my belongings and arranged friends for helping and whatnot. My poor cats are going to be so confused/distressed for the first few days. I suspect there’s going to be a lot of slinking-about with wide eyes.
I’m in Rome! It was a long trip (left my house at 3.30am, got to the hostel about 1pm), and traffic across Rome was a nightmare and then the hostel had lost our booking. It all worked out fine in the end and I’m staying in a brilliant women’s hostel with epic feminist art everywhere.
Off for dinner now in Trestevere
What’s your hostel? I want to go back Rome soon! Love Trastevere, I hope you’re having a great time
It’s orsa maggiore in traveatere and I think I’m a little bit in love. Now if only there can be feminist women only hostels in every city!
I made it to the OT! As some of you may remember, I moved to the UK for grad school in September and it’s been… an adjustment. A good adjustment! But an adjustment none the less. You see, it’s been 4 years since I graduated from college, and I’m having to relearn the whole “studying” and “writing papers” thing. It’s hard. And, don’t tell Mallory, but I really, really miss Chipotle.
I miss you all! Ummm and JANE MARIE IS COMING TO THE TOAST?! Great news! Sometimes I have so much longing for circa 2012 the Hairpin that I actually get kind of emotional about it? That’s probably not normal. Speaking of, does anyone know what’s going on over there nowadays?
What??? Last I heard, Jane Marie had been fired from Gawker, but I didn’t see that the Toast was picking her up? Link link link
http://millihelen.jezebel.com/millihelen-is-dead-…
!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GREAT NEWS IS GREAT
WHICH IS ALSO UPTHREAD, I AM A GRAPEFRUIT
Just to clarify, she’s bringing the Bargain Bin posts over here, but we aren’t lucky enough to have her full time. Just on Fridays!
But so correct about the Hairpin, I miss the Good Old Days, when Nicole wrote things about books and lovely Monica McLaughlin showed us jewellery and everything was smart and lovely.
Agreed. I really, really miss the book posts. I wish Nicole would write some here, and I’m not sure why she hasn’t 🙁 I liked the book sorting hat series the best.
I was just thinking yesterday about how I miss the kind of book posts Nicole wrote over at the Hairpin. I enjoy the book humor like How to Tell if You’re In X, but I miss the more straightforward stuff about what books to read.
So glad your move wasn’t as traumatic as you feared! Thank you for the update!
I know what you mean about missing things. It’s an adjustment, but honestly, I am so glad that I live here. I do enjoy going home and seeing my family. Also, I miss Chili’s for no apparent reason. Overall though, I am so happy to be in my little adopted country.
Chipotle has come to london, by the way! and it is, you know, medium, but better than nana mexico or whatever the fuck.
I feel serious hairpin nostalgia pangs every day, but ALSO thank the universe for all of you for taking its place.
sending all of you love right now. be strong, grad school buddy!
Toasts, how do you deal with your fear of death? Not imminent death, just the garden-variety death that we all get. Constant distractions? Aggressive philosophizing? I watch Netflix until I pass out every night because if I’m alone with my thoughts for more than about three minutes I start clawing the walls in terror 🙂
Umm. Therapy and medication? That doesn’t sound like something you should have to manage on your own.
It occasionally makes me curl up in a ball under the duvet unable to sleep in case I don’t wake up. But not on a regular basis – it hits me once every few months and the rest of the time it is fine. If I felt like that every night then I’d definitely be looking for some professional advice on managing it.
I’ve never been scared of death–I think it’s the way I was raised. Maybe ask yourself what exactly you’re afraid of/depressed by. I definitely get the “I will die one day so why am I sitting at work when I could be doing a thing???” feeling/thought. I deal with that by making concrete plans for doing things with my life that I really want to do, and by practicing Buddhism. Do you have any philosophies or faith traditions that you identify with?
I’m not afraid of dyING, and my life’s been a pretty good and happy one so far, so I don’t feel like “aaahhh what am i doing with my one wild and precious life”
It’s more like, having been alive, I am not at all interested in being dead. When you’re dead, you can’t hug your mom or eat soup. And this is the point where some people are like “well, you’ll be dead, so you won’t miss your mom,” but that is exactly what I’m so bothered by!
I mentioned this in a comment on the starships thread a few days ago, but it feels relevant here as well – in some ways, I find the thought of death comforting because while death and the resulting non-existence means I’ll never be able to do nice stuff again, it also means bad stuff will no longer be a problem. I’ve been thinking about this a lot at the moment because so many horrible things seem to be going on – the awful situation for refugees in Europe, terrorist attacks, global warming – and it is weirdly comforting to know that one day I will die and it will no longer be anything to do with me.
I mentioned this in a comment on the starships thread a few days ago, but it feels relevant here as well – in some ways, I find the thought of death comforting because while death and the resulting non-existence means I’ll never be able to do nice stuff again, it also means bad stuff will no longer be a problem. I’ve been thinking about this a lot at the moment because so many horrible things seem to be going on – the awful situation for refugees in Europe, terrorist attacks, global warming – and it is weirdly comforting to know that one day I will die and it will no longer be anything to do with me.
For me, a combination of distractions and just getting sort of used to the idea as time goes on has kind of worked. I don’t know if philosophising helps because in a way it’s trying to answer the unanswerable, which brings more anxiety, for me at least. And when the terror hits, deep breathing into cupped hands eventually staves it off. Get the central nervous system relaxed and the thoughts will follow.
I can’t imagine getting used to the idea! Tho to be fair, I’m 25, so maybe in a few years I’ll be super chill like “ah yes, the yawning void that awaits me and everyone I love, this is a part of reality I’ve accepted.”
I think part of the problem is that I was ruined by books as a child. So I think there is no dreadful eventuality I can’t avert by being clever and brave. What I would REALLY like is for death to come for me but then be like “whoops, you’re too heroic to die, i’ll leave you and your family alone”
I only occasionally get hit hard with the “oh my god I’m going to die someday” realization, and it is momentarily incapacitating, but if I pointedly distract myself I can usually keep it from ascending into a true despair-spiral. Feeling this way is natural to some extent, but if this happens every time you have an idle moment, I think it would be worth seeing a therapist about it.
Nihilism with a dash of fatalism. Not even joking.
If you can engage with the feelings, it might help. I have given this some thought, and realized death itself doesn’t scare me, but the countdown does. Especially after turning 30, I suddenly started to feel like I was wasting my life and time is running out/ I Will Never Be Young Again.
And as stupid and patronizing as this platitude sounds, the serenity prayer (minus the god part) has been what gets me through it. Death is something I can’t control, so I just have to accept it and move on. I push existential dread aside because there is not a damn thing I can do about my own mortality, and it is a waste of energy to worry about it. That’s how I snap myself out of those moods.
Yep, cheerful nihilism is where I’m at. If there’s nothing I can do about it, I may as well enjoy the ride.
MARCUS AURELIUS MARCUS AURELIUS MARCUS AURELIUS
ALSO for what it’s worth, I spend a MASSIVE amount of my time wrestling with the thought of death, and constant mental engagement is super helpful for me. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY. I think about it a lot, talk about it a lot, meditate on it, and it helps me deal. If I distract myself too often, I start to spiral.
Yeah staying busy on productive activities helps, but when I get exhausted, sometimes my distraction is alcohol and that is not the best spiral to start (as we all know).
Black comedy is something that came to mind. Either seeking it out or even trying to create it might help or at least be a less frustrating channel for those dark looping thoughts. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy It can be distasteful and nasty but I think that can be avoided with a healthy dose of satire.
ANYWAY fuck death.
This is what I’m in therapy for at the moment! I do a bit of distraction mixed with a bit of Malloy-style engagement when I’m up to it. Something that my therapist has been awesome about it reassuring me that it’s fine to not feel fine… I definitely think therapy has given me “permission” to distract myself sometimes, and not always feel like I have to have all the wise answers about it. My feelings vary from day to day, so on good days I will sit with the death-thoughts for a bit and try to explore them, and on the bad days I will fire up the Netflix!
Thank you for sharing this! I guess it’s kind of comforting that gazillions of very smart people haven’t come up with a satisfactory answer, so you have permission to not figure it all out yourself.
I sometimes get out-of-the-blue panic attacks about both my own mortality and the eventual deaths of my loved ones. While I know I could try to face these fears and philosophize my way through them, I prefer to just ignore them and distract myself as quickly as possible, usually by finding a sitcom on Netflix to watch or listening to music or starting a conversation with someone nearby. I know I’m scared of death and I don’t care to dwell on that fact more than is necessary. When it happens to me at night I put in my headphones and find a comedy podcast and listen to it until I fall asleep; these thoughts used to come very frequently but they have tapered off with time.
TL:DR i don’t think anyone should feel obligated to overcome or confront their fear of death. That shit is scary and depressing and sometimes it’s better to just distract yourself than waste anxiety on something you’ll never be able to control
What really gets me is meaninglessness. I’m trying to cure it by facing it straight, and taking it seriously seems to work better for me than trying to let it go. People, I’ve never been chill in my LIFE, how the heck am I supposed to handwave away the end of existence?? “Oh, I’m not scared, it’s so natural, I don’t even think about it, it’s fine, I just don’t want to feel any pain!” Ha. Those optimists know nothing.
Viktor Frankl, now there’s a man who knew something about death and the pointlessness of everything. He was a Jewish psychiatrist in Vienna before the war. Then the Germans arrived and took everything he owned, killed his family, confiscated his book manuscript (about the psychology of finding meaning in life, no less), tattooed a number on his arm and shipped him off to Dachau. He survived, and immediately after being freed, he rewrote his entire book within the context of the concentration camp system.
It’s called “Man’s Search for Meaning” and it’s the grimmest, unflinching-est take on the human condition I have ever read. I realise that mileage may vary a lot here, but I find it super comforting because it’s so dark. He NEVER tries to cheer you up because it’s not that bad or some other glass half full bullshit. He says very clearly that life can fucking suck and make you die alone, in pain and humiliated, and here’s how you cope with that. If it’s good enough for a concentration camp prisoner, it’s good enough for me.
I have that book (in audio & digital, so no excuses) and have been meaning to read it, except it sounds like a lot of WORK. I really need to read it, though.
It’s not very long, and IIRC the last chapters are filled with psychology nerdery and descriptions of some kind of mostly unrelated proto-CBT techniques he invented. I like that stuff, but it could probably be skipped. Most of the concentration camp content is in the first chapters. He rewrote the book several times, though, and there are some differences between editions.
I sit with the feelings about impending death that I have, even if it’s scary.
It’s worse to look away. Also, you risk not being fully alive if you do that. It is paradoxically less scary if you just look at the fear and breathe.
Also, I have a fantasy that I’m just going to become pure chlorophyll after death and that sounds good 🙂
edit: Also yes, Viktor Frankl, Arcus Aurelius, Tolstoy for that moment in War and Peace where the prince is just staring up at the blue sky as he dies, and black humor.
There’s an incredibly bleak poem by Philip Larkin about exactly this fear — the mundane terror of not existing anymore, plus the certainty that it’s going to happen — which I find weirdly comforting. Not because the poem holds out any reassurance (it pretty much categorically refuses to do that), but because of the strange satisfaction of seeing your own fears perfectly articulated, and knowing that other people have felt the same way. (YMMV; this is the “if you’re really sad, listen to the most depressing songs you can find” approach to dealing with overwhelming emotions, and it may not work for everyone.)
“the strange satisfaction of seeing your own fears perfectly articulated” YEP THAT. I hate the way “Aubade” makes me feel, but I feel less alone knowing at least one other person sits bolt upright in bed, gasping with horror.
One of my very favorite books is Julian Barnes’ “Nothing To Be Frightened Of,” which is all about the various arguments for why death shouldn’t scare us, and why they are all specious and not very comforting.
“but you won’t feel it–” YES EXACTLY
“what’s important is living a meaningful life–” NOPE DEATH OBLITERATES MEANING ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE
“death is a natural part of the circle of life–” DON’T CARE STILL DON’T WANT TO DIE
For me, it’s been a combination of being busy, getting enough exercise during the day so I sleep well at night, and doing the secular version of the serenity prayer: namely, accepting that I am going to die someday and that I cannot change this fact so I can shvitz about it or I can move on and enjoy my life.
Oddly, it is much easier at just-over-30 than it was at 25. It may well get easier for you. And hey, since I’m going to die someday, there really ISN’T a reason why I should finish this book I hate, or do the dishes right now instead of going outside, or fail to finish my M.A.
Or maybe, as laurenipsum suggests, this is one of those things where you go talk to someone about it, and that’s ok too!
Edit:
One more thing! When I was younger and lived alone and spent a lot of my free time alone in the dark pondering the fleeting nature of existence, I read and reread and reread What Dreams May Come. It always brought me comfort, even if i was a baby atheist even then.
Oh yeah, I know this. I used to have these sorts of attacks frequently when I was a kid, shortly after my mom miscarried and I had to encounter death for the first time. I still get them but not quite so often or paralyzing. Sometimes it helps to stare it down, sometimes it helps to look away.
Toasties who like to write: Have you ever worked out a complex suite of feelings by fictionalizing a character based on the person who has vexed you IRL? Did it help you relinquish any feelings? I’m not worried about libel or disguising them, but I’d love to hear about anyone’s experiences with this.
YES! Well, I started with an acquaintance’s particularly irritating sister and ended up writing a short story about a cursed wedding dress. About halfway through, the character became herself and not the irritating sister, which was loads more fun.
Yes, sort of. I’ve helped sort out conflicting feelings by writing stories where each character represented one of my feelings or one of the arguments I was mulling over, and having them has it out on the paper. It did help a lot.
When I was young my sister and I would make comics based on The Thing That Was Ruining My Life. It was like stick figures with dramatic detail and the enemies were monsters and it swerved into the absurd/fantastical. It never failed to make me feel better because it laid out the situation wherein I was an innocent victim and also added fantasy subplots that were entertaining to think about.
I had a roommate who did this! About me! And then he gave me the story to read. I would recommend skipping that last step.
Oh my godddddd
So helpful, all of you, thanks. It seems like a more peaceful path than waiting for someone to change who never will to just make them into an annoying protagonist who falls into a wood chipper. Fargo Zen.
So parrots are pretty long lived, which means there could totally have been a parrot that spent it’s life being passed from famous 21st century writer to writer picking up things from each. Which is to say my Link Round-Up proposition of Thomas Pynchon and Elena Ferrante being two pen names of a single parrot is a completely reasonable hypothesis.
It has been a week of Shit Going Wrong on the farm in various large and small ways. Pigs got out! Other pigs got out! Cattle water refiller stopped working! Had to make several trips to hardware store for parts for new refiller! Awkward appointments in the middle of the day meant the whole day was useless for other project work — multiple times this week! Didn’t notice frost forecast until almost dark, so had to load and distribute straw bedding for pigs in the cold dark! (At least I had the Battle of Yorktown to accompany me for that bit.)
Keeping me alive: Tumblr; actually that’s it. Oh, Thai food, I guess. And the new China Miéville short story collection Three Moments of an Explosion that spouse got me at the library.
Your pigs are damn lucky to benefit from your dedication in the dark. How dare they go out! As if they could have it better anywhere else. ::fists on hips:: I mean!
Hang in there! I’m ROOTing for you and your farm!
Yesssss
(that’s a turnip though, Michelle, come on)
(maybe that’s because she already dropped the beet)
OMG I did not even make that food pun connection and now I am going to find a way to make it again next time I am cooking with my friend who is Hamilton trash like me. It is extraordinarily good cooking music and so both beats and beets will be dropped!
But it’s not Michelle Obama’s fault, I couldn’t find a .gif of the part where she’s jamming to “Turn Down For What.”
I was going to reply that I’d had the same week until I realized that it was you, co-farmer, posting it. Let’s also mention that the pigs got out the same day that we had literally six inches of rain. And that one of the pigs stayed out all night because I just gave up on catching him until the next morning when you had the clever idea of luring him into a bucket and then hucking him bodily over the fence into outside-pig-land. And that the hardware store is far enough away that I lose at least an hour for every trip. (At least I had my trip to my therapist and various horror fiction podcasts to get me through it.)
Yes, all farmers should have a therapist.
I love that the toast has a pair of co-farmers.
I love that a pair of co-farmers have the toast. (Seriously, this place is a lifesaver.)
“Now they all stood in a huddle
Right beside the muddy puddle.
And they looked into the puddle,
What a muddy muddy muddle!
There was piggy
Plump and little
in the very very middle.
She was waddling,
She was paddling,
She was diving way down derry.
She was giggling,
She was wiggling,
She was very very merry.”
I’m just imagining your pigs escaping in the rain…
[quote by Charlotte Pomerantz]
I’ve been thinking about you, especially with the impending cold water and the holiday. Do you get a Thanksgiving* order bump? Do you raise turkeys as well as pigs?
Anyhow, I’ve been thinking of you, laurenipsum. I hope things run a little smoother for you.
*Wait, do I actually know you’re in the U.S.? I feel like I do, because otherwise that’s a big assumption on my part.
Yep, in the US. We didn’t do thanksgiving turkeys this year, and the timing of our pigs is wrong so we don’t have hams on hand either. So no bump this year, unfortunately.
Thx for the good thoughts though, that makes me feel cozy 🙂
Right back atcha!
And obviously by “impending cold water,” I meant “impending cold weather,” and yes i do rely entirely upon my writing for my work why do you ask oh i seeeeeeee
Well, our impending cold weather *is* cold water, from the sky and everywhere all around at all times, so I just went with it.
Oh, aren’t you my sort-of-neighbor? SNOQUALMIE VALLEY REPRESENT
And I hope the sun treated you well today!
The sun today was lovely! We are not that close to you though — Pierce County — so if nothing else at least we are not flooding like y’all are. What a mess.
Ha! I wonder why I thought you were closer? I’m losing my mind AS USUAL.
We’re up out of the water (near Duvall) and we only lost power for 4 hours in that storm so we were really lucky this time. One tree fell on the power lines about 100 feet from the end of our driveway but it didn’t break them, just had to be removed.
Glad you’re out of the water. Having the farm flood is a thing that terrifies me. Which is why, I guess, we live in the die-in-a-lahar plain instead of the flood plain.
Do you know Jubilee? They’ve been posting picture on their facebook and now I know that a wrapped bale of silage will float. Looks brutal. And they’ve got their farm elevated on a pile of dirt which is a thing that I can’t remember the name of.
For some reason we didn’t lose power. Not sure why, down the road from us a *stoplight* was down for the best part of two days. Also, funny story, at our last place during a power outage a transformer blew spectacularly and dropped a live wire in front of our house. It was on that day that I learned you can shout, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST” during a phone interview and still get the job.
Same place had a 30′ snag hanging off a powerline for about a week while the power was still running.
Yeah, the wrapped bales float along and then wash up on the side of the road down to Carnation…looks very surreal. We went to see Snoqualmie Falls a couple days ago and I don’t remember seeing bales this time but it’s happened other floods. Also – falls during flooding 10/10 would recommend.
We only have one horse so it’s mostly about keeping her from getting bored in the storms. Apparently the 1990 floods killed a ton of dairy cows and all the farms have berms built to give them some high ground to get to now.
Transformer story is the funniest thing LOL foreverrrr
Does anyone know of any good How To Plot resources? I’ve fallen down the Person of Interest hole (I’m only mostly through Season 3, so please Rot13 any spoilers) and…uhh…desperately want to write a POI WTNV fusion. Like so:
Finch is incredibly, wonderfully relieved when the man known as Reese is picked up by the citizens’ militia for fighting with a pack of Libertarian street artists. He’s less relieved when Reese catches the eye of Sergeant Carter. She recognizes him as a fellow former member of the Sheriff’s Secret Police, and is halfway through taking Reese’s identifying phrenological measurements before Finch diverts her with an anonymous tip on the whereabouts of Mark Snow, wanted fugitive and literal five-headed dragon.
I have Plot ideas, but I’m having a hard time organizing them/making them coalesce into one whole/just…figuring out how to do this. It’d probably help if I had someone who was willing to listen to me rant about it, but I don’t currently have anyone like that in my life.
I don’t really have any advice but here’s the first search result for Dan Wells 7 point plot. He’s a writer and he got the idea from elsewhere but it’s a bit more structured and actionable layout for a story than the usual handwaving about 3-act structure and what not.
That’s what I use when I’m stuck on a plot, and it’s really helpful.
When I click that link it just takes me to this OT?
sorry, probably forgot a closing ”
this should be it
Thank you! Not the first result in my google search, so I’m glad I asked 🙂
I can’t think of any resources that helped me out, but the closest thing that gets my stories moving along is when I set aside a piece of paper or open text document and write a stream of consciousness style ramblings. It’s really helped me think through how to get the plot moving.
Something else that has helped is taking a walk, making sure no one is within hearing distance, and argue with myself about the story.
Good luck!
Oh yeah, I’ve had some luck talking with myself while doing boring things like washing the dishes. Thanks!
If you didn’t do the Iowa MOOC, their videos are up and free, and helpful!
https://vimeo.com/uiiwp/videos
Class 3 is the most plot-centered one, though 4 could also be useful
There’s a screenplay plotting technique that I used for my nano project and it helped when I was totally lost. It’s explained in this video. It’s using index cards to break things down into smaller chunks so eventually you have a 1-2 sentence outline of each scene you need to write. I started with just a vague notion of what happened and found by the end there was actually a whole story in there.
So, I’m spending a lot of time thinking about life and studying and careers and choices and all that fun stuff… I could use your wisdom, fellow Toasties.
Full story in reply to follow.
I don’t want practical advice (meaning “just do x!” advice), but I do want to talk about choices and belonging, I think.
I’m a student, and I love my field. But I feel like a bad student and I’m not enjoying myself very much right now. Also, I am a bad student. I barely do any work! Part of it is the ADD and the tiredness (I’m medicated, but I’ll never be “normal”), but there’s also the MOTHER of all impostor syndromes, because I’m actually completely unqualified to even be here (no privilege or deception involved, I applied through a seldom-used clause and did well on an SAT-style test). I never really had the opportunity to work hard to develop intellectually, because I had to fight to just stay afloat and not drown in bad life situations. Well, those situations aren’t a problem anymore, and I got this far. But now that I could finally try to reach for the stars, I can’t get off the ground.
I’ve been here two years, and my grades are OK though not amazing. However, I actually haven’t developed any real skills or real knowledge, and I know it. I could do well, but what matters is what I can do. It’s only going to get harder from here and I haven’t managed to build a foundation. And I’m running out of steam (I’m trying hard but not smart, or smart but not hard – never both). I want to really throw myself into learning, for my own sake. I’m happiest when I have a billion tabs open, read ten papers at once and write ferociously in three different windows until the world disappears. Flow is the best feeling.
Also, I’m going to have to make a career choice which is a bit of a moral dilemma. This field has a practical, clinical application and that’s what I set out to do. But I might be too… erratic? to be a clinician. My disability is as good as it’s going to get, but not great. I’m often tired and inattentive. So, I feel like I’m not “allowed” to work with patients. I should just realise I’m not good enough. But sometimes I think about going into academia instead, and then I feel like I’d be prioritising fun over useful work (and I’m not doing very well in university either, am I?). It’s super important to me, ethically, to work in the “real world” (I hate that expression, but). And it’s important to me to follow my moral compass and not just do what’s more fun. I need to have values!
But on the other other hand, I’m almost starting to dare to dream big. What if I could be a good scientist? That’s the kind of thinking my brain is good at. And it would be so, so fun to master this. I’ve been watching Manhattan (the amazing TV series about the Manhattan project) and I’m incredibly envious of those physicists, all cooped up together in rooms made out of blackboards and math. They’re living my dreeeeam.
It’s demotivating to not feel at home in school. I work harder when I feel accepted. But there’s the impostor syndrome again, and I feel like I come off as strange to most people (which, honestly, I do) because I don’t know anyone who gets as obsessed about stuff as I do. That’s not a code for autism or anything, I’m just a huge nerd. But even though I have that insane drive, I’m not using it. I’m “smart”, but I can’t do anything and I don’t know anything. Uuurghhh.
I wish I knew someone to ask about university stuff. A wise mentor or something. Dumbledore, but without the gaslighting. No, McGonagall, I want McGonagall.
Um. Please advise?
I know a scientist who wanted very much to go to medical school. I know him well enough to know that he should never work directly with patients. He is unable to see any perspective but his own. He has, so far, been unwilling to learn. He could be on the autism spectrum.
But! He is an awesome scientist, loving his laboratory work. He is in demand, often consulted. He is doing medical research. He still wishes he’d been able to become a doctor, but those who know him well know he’s better in a lab.
All this to say, I don’t know you, but there are so many ways to put your education to use “in the real world”. You likely have exposure to only a small portion of those ways. Pursue avenues that allow you to be you. Maybe direct patient interface is not for you. There are other options. Good luck, Toastfriend. You are valuable as-is.
Thanks 🙂
This is what I wish I could discuss with someone. If I’m not suited for certain types of work, I’d like to know! The scientist you mention has a clear answer, in a way. I guess he’s so obviously not good with people that it’s really clear-cut that he ought to do something else. I feel like I don’t have an obvious answer.
Disability is weird. It’s like people expect me to either suck at everything and just give up and be disabled (and not have any ambition, dreams or talents), or not have any problems at all just because I can do some things well/am smart. So, right now, my abilities are held back by my disabilities, and it’s like there’s no social context where I can have BOTH.
People to talk to: 1) Mine your school’s alumni list. Ask the career office at your school for help finding alumni to contact. 2) Hunt for contacts working in your industry. Start with people you already know, even if their work is clearly not suited to you. Ask those people to introduce you to their HR department or to their administrators. HR and admin know how your skills can be used elsewhere and otherwise. Good luck.
um are you me? Did I write this in my sleep?
Well, I’ve always wanted a twin! What’s your story?
Have you thought about trying to work as a lab assistant in a lab at your school? It could be just for a few hours a week. Even disciplines that you don’t normally think of as having proper labs (like psychology) typically are structured that way at research universities, and they are usually looking for students to do basic tasks around the lab. As a lab assistant you would get to know some of the grad students in the group, attend lab meetings, and get a good up-close look at what a research-based career might be like. You might even get offered an opportunity to do a research project. Being part of a lab might also help you to feel like you have a home at school. And don’t be intimidated about seeking these positions out – professors and grad students consider it part of their job to mentor keen students like you – a lot of them even think it’s fun! And your enthusiasm for the subject will show!
We’re getting into “have you tried x” advice now, but yes, I’ve thought about it, and I can’t. I can’t work and go to school at the same time, and I’m not reliable enough (or my disability isn’t). Some days, I’m so tired I can’t get out of bed. So I can’t promise I’ll actually show up.
This problem can’t be solved, at least not within a reasonable timeframe. I’ve spent a decade trying to fix it. I’ve lost years of my one life on this Earth trying to catch the attention of a very busy healthcare system while they give me the run-around, make me play phone tag and process me through various bureaucratic processes. They’re still really unenthusiastic about me and not at all inclined to try to help. There’s no way I can throw away more time, I need to proceed as if I will never get better.
So, in conclusion, I know that getting a lab job would be great, and I’m so unhappy that I miss out, but I actually can’t try. I can’t get a job I know I might not be able to do, that’s just wrong, and it could damage my reputation.
I’m so sorry. This all sounds incredibly frustrating.
I guess my impulse when I hear things like;
“I’m almost starting to dare to dream big. What if I could be a good scientist? That’s the kind of thinking my brain is good at. And it would be so, so fun to master this.”
is usually to say “YESSSSSS!!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Which, I realize, is not really what you are looking for here.
re: your concerns that working in research would be focusing on ‘fun’ over ‘helping people’: there are definitely fields of research so esoteric that their findings will probably never have clinical/ ‘real world’ applications, and investing in that kind of research can seem pretty indulgent to me sometimes too. But biomedical research is also how ideas for new treatments originate, and how we learn about the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of people developing health problems. It can take years, and most new ideas end up not working, but those people are really trying! (And they couldn’t do what they do without the basic research that at first seemed completely useless. We all stand on the shoulders of giants.)
Research can be fun, but also incredibly frustrating, and the job market is not for the faint of heart… If it’s something you’re really interested in, trying to have a frank conversation with a professor you’ve gotten to know, or someone in the field about your disability and whether a career in research could work for you might help you to sort out some of your thoughts. (Ditto for the clinical side of your field, actually.) It seems like there should be some flexibility in both fields.
I can’t believe how many words my comments always have even though I edit them down. why does this happen, why is anything.
Earlier this week I had the following exchange with a co-worker:
Him: It’d be great if we had some more girls…I mean females…I mean…
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is ‘women’
Toasties, why is this so hard? To be fair, I don’t really think of my co-workers as “men” despite the fact that we are all of us 30 at least. But “guys” seems to be a good catch-all that neither initializes nor dehumanizes. Why isn’t there an equivalent for women? Why does it feel so awkward to apply that word to myself?
the need for an equivalent word is dire in the dating realm. I don’t want to say that I “went on a date with a girl” but “a woman” sounds weird and too mature too. Some people say “lady” instead but I hate that word. My straight friends just get to say “a guy” and I envy them. All of this, of course, is totally unnecessary since I have no dates to go on, but I digress…
And my one-woman crusade to bring “gals” back has been failing for the past year or so because everyone else hates that word
I use “gals” with abandon. It is a perfectly suitable word.
Gals seems popular in my neck of the woods- at least with the white men I work with who suddenly remember there are women on our conference calls. Cracks me up every time when they guiltily say “Hi guys…and gals!” Or “gal” when it’s just me and a bunch of dudes. Somehow it’s even funnier to me in the singular…
It rubs me the wrong way when people (who aren’t in the sciences or military) refer to women as females. I think I’ve heard it used as a noun in a sexist way too often.
I scowled and bared my teeth instinctively
Ladies?
Unfortunately, that just makes me think of the “Hey Ladies!” series now. 😛
The real issue is getting my male colleagues to move away from girls.
That used to be the case for me, but now I go “we’re reliable with the LADIEEEZZZ” (often out loud, unfortunately)
The lack of a female “guys” is so frustrating!! I like when people say gals (or folks for mixed gender groups), because it means they’re making a purposeful effort, but I don’t particularly like either of those words. I usually describe myself as a lady in a way that’s sort of millennial and jokey, but it doesn’t feel genuine. Not a girl, not yet a woman INDEED.
WOMEN. Women, women, women forever. I use it, I’ve trained my husband to use it, I correct my (4- and 5-year-old) students when they ask me if I’m “a boy or a girl.”
I agree that the lack of a neutral, friendly equivalent to “guy” isn’t fair, but I wish people were more comfortable with “women” (relatedly, I also wish people were more comfortable with women).
I used to feel weird saying women, then decided I should be saying women, but at first it would come out kind-of insincere or there’d be a weird pause. Probably ’cause the patriarchy trained me to not use it. Just keep trying to say women or woman when talking about female people beyond their teen years and it gets less and less awkward until it makes sense. It’s so weird that I had to train myself to say an appropriate word, but I think we all do that with language if we are learning and trying to be better people.
which makes me think of a broader rant about people’s aversion to PC language. Such hatred for being “politically correct”. I understand their bullshit sentiment I won’t get into, but I think it’s morphed into something else. Like those PC decriers don’t even know what they’re actually mad about. I think they are mad because they don’t want to try, they are offended by their own sparse, non-adapting vocabulary mocking them. Which leads them to resent intellectualism. Case in point: I was on a construction site as a noise monitor and this dude walks up to me and says with slow-roasted hatred, “So, ‘d’you go college or something?” I confusingly go, “yyyyeah. Sssorrry??” He tsks and walks away.
Training yourself to use different language is real! Mostly when thinking about myself – I’m a woman. An adult woman. And now if someone refers to me as a girl or a lady or whatever, it feels odd and wrong.
Twins! Didn’t see this before I posted but definitely you beat me to it. But we’re all winners when we respect ourselves and our fellow women.
But, you see, to me, (me me me 😉 The word ‘woman’ means
a) old with sensible shoes and shopping bag
b) Someone who’s succesful and has a full bingo card of adultness, which I haven NOT.
c) My mother.
These are all good things, but they are not me.
I’m 20 and I definitely still think of myself as a girl rather than a woman… perhaps the term will start to feel more appropriate with age.
Yup! Around age 27 I noticed that my awesome plugged-in feminist friends were using it so I made an effort. It started with calling myself a woman, which was weird at first but also felt affirming, which led to my using it all the time for anyone over 20. Still working on the husband, though…
Dudette?
I may be stuck in 1998.
So, I used to go out with a guy who has a young son. In the car one day this precocious kid pipes up from the back seat: “so, if me and Papa are dudes, does that mean you’re a dudette?”
He was (still is) a very perceptive child.
One of the great gifts of going to a women’s college is being trained to refer to yourself and your peers as women from the age of eighteen. I hadn’t really grown into the word at that time, but I feel strongly that adulthood in general is a “fake it till you make it” business–it’s not going to happen to you on its own, you just have to claim it.
That’s definitely how I feel about it. It was weird calling myself a woman instead of a girl for the longest time, but I firmly believe that the way you talk about yourself really shapes the way you think about yourself. And so I needed to get over the weirdness of calling myself a woman or calling myself an adult because I was diminishing myself. I may not be where I want to be, but that doesn’t really negate my adulthood.
I would like a more colloquial term sometimes but I’m also fine with just using ‘women’.
In a professional setting, “women” it is, or an all-inclusive “you guys” in casual circumstances. But I like “grills,” which I think is something an ex used to say instead of girls. Close but not the same.
i so felt this way in my 20s and early 30s. for some reason, despite being the appropriate word for an adult female, sometimes you still identify with more casual descriptors. at some point in my 30s i embraced and owned it, and started trying to assert it for others who felt shy about saying it. you’ll know when you feel ready.
luckily in LA we can call everyone dudes, and only recent transplants object.
Tomorrow is my birthday! As a result I have the pre-birthday blues (what am I doing with my life???) but I am trying to fight them off. I’m sure most people here are familiar with the mental merry-go-round of “I hate my job, and also I want to live somewhere else, and also everyone I know is having babies, should I have a baby?” so I’ll spare you. But this week it’s been hard trying to disguise how little interest I have in anything, especially work. During a meeting with a colleague yesterday, there was an awkward prolonged silence and I realized she was waiting for me to answer a question. It took actual physical effort not to say, “I just don’t care at all about any of this.”
Ugh that is basically my whole life too. But happy (almost) birthday!
I am in the same boat! Just had my birthday last week and now I’m like what am I doing with my life? I feel very stagnant.
I also hate my job and it’s getting harder to conceal how much it annoys me. Yet, I can’t point to a next step or new job opportunity with any real conviction because I’m feeling ambivalent and apathetic about my career “path” at the moment.
Happy early birthday!! Sounds like you’re a little burned out – so am I – are you taking any vacation time soon?
I will be in Munich in just over 4 weeks! That cheerful thought is getting me through the days.
Mulled wine for daayyyyyyyyys!
Happy almost birthday! 😀 I have no wisdom about how to fake interest in the spectacularly dull, but I hope you get some relief (vacation? mass co-worker vacation? news about a job in Montreal?) from it soon.
Happy Birthday Tomorrow! Sorry for your blues. For what it’s worth, I think what you’re doing with your life is just fine, as it’s made you a stellar person. Toasthugs.
Happy (almost) birthday!
I have to quash the urge to tell everyone how much I do not care about anything many times a day. But I try to save actually saying it for my therapist.
Happy birthday! I hope no one sends you a terrible sweater, 20 lbs. of noodles, or age-related skin products. (Unless you’re interested in those things, in which case you might have some new friends upthread.)
i’m sorry about the edges of existential absurdity to everything!
but, happy birthday!
Happy birthday! I’m sorry I’ve been a terrible Toast-post pal, but I have new cute stationery and am hoping to get back to writing now. I hope you have an awesome day!
Yay! I missed you!
Are you at the same address? Asking for Christmas card purposes.
We’re moving on December 9th, actually. I’ll get something with the new address to you before then. 🙂
Neighbour-child is learning to play Jingle Bells on the recorder. This is not making me happy.
My daughter *loves* Christmas music. It’s the best way to get her to practice piano. She’s been picking out holiday tunes since August.
We should probably do something nice for the neighbors this year.
If it’s any consolation, that’s the basic “start to read music” song and instrument. All three of my children are wonderful musicians and all of them HATED learning “that awful squeaky recorder”.
After moving several times, I had finally eliminated them from my house, until my son (boy #1) was at band camp and talked a carny at the fair into selling him a recorder and the cat shirt off his back. ???
Now that is missing, and high schooler (boy #2) says I need to buy another one, because he has to test what it sounds like underwater. And of course the dollar store doesn’t have any.
Sometimes you have grit your teeth and tolerate. We were all obnoxious in our different ways as kids. At least the child is interested in music. Maybe ask the parents to close the window? Social contract and all that?
I’m in a block of apartments – I can hear them sneeze, never mind the tootling. I wouldn’t say anything; I know it’s part of apartment living that you know more about your neighbours than you want to (hello, former upstairs dude who whinnies), so I will just huff and puff on tinternet about it!
It’s been a roller coaster of work emotions this week! I finally got and signed my official offer letter for my Incredible New Job and then I announced it to my team (who know that I’m leaving since I’ve been laid off effective December 31) and they were SO SALTY. There are only five people who work here and one of them just straight up didn’t respond to my email at all. But then today, I was on an email at the New Job introducing me and announcing my move that was so nice and warm and welcoming and a bunch of strangers have replied to say that they’re excited to meet me. So it’s all ok in the end, but I still have some hurt feelings I think which are sort of souring my new experiences – which sucks.
Congratulations on the official new job! Sorry your old coworkers are being butts.
I’m sorry your old coworkers were not supportive. Some people get weird about other people leaving, I guess. when I quit my last job most people were nice, but one guy I worked with closely felt the need to give me a bunch of “advice” that basically boiled down to warning me I’d crash and burn at the new job.
IUD update! I finally was able to schedule my appointment. It isn’t until January (this process literally got started in August), and I’m really, really, really hoping my uterus decides to cooperate. Because if I don’t have my period on the day of the appointment, then I have to reschedule for even later.
I feel you. I didn’t mind the insertion process itself, but getting there was a scheduling nightmare.
Have you double checked with your doctor to make sure you have to be on your period for insertion? Mine didn’t care one way or another so you might not have to reschedule!
Unfortunately, yes. 🙁
Well crap. I wish doctors would get their shit together re: IUDs. There are so many different standards out there about who can get them and when it makes no sense.
Yeah, there are obviously doctors who’ll do it anytime, but for whatever reason mine does not. It wouldn’t be a huge issue except last month I randomly had a 26 day cycle after ten straight months of 28-30 day cycles, so now my tracking is all messed up.
They don’t give a toss about whether you’re on your period or not in the UK, they just want to be sure you’re not pregnant.
I will also have to take a pregnancy test! (Or at least give a urine sample, which I assume they will then test for STDs and pregnancy.) Which…if I’m on my period…seems kind of unnecessary?
well, my mother’s coworker just found out she’s unexpectedly pregnant, 6 or 7 months along, and she’d been having regular periods the whole time as well- bodies are weird sometimes, I think.
D:
that is literally my nightmare
brb, buying pee sticks
well that is completely terrifying.
well that is completely terrifying.
Forgive me if we already covered this, but…I just peeked over at The Hairpin and…what is going on?? Everyone is gone, Edith is back, but hardly posting or talking…I’m so confused! It’s WEIRD over there!
I’ve been wondering about this myself. I think it’s so strange that she hasn’t posted any kind of explanation at all.
I guessed that since there are no longer any particular editors in charge, Edith is covering with the bare minimum of posts until they find a suitable replacement.
I really miss the early days of the Hairpin with Edith and Jane, and the Pinner commentariat. Anyone else? I wonder about the future of the site.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense…I just didn’t realize she had any kind of hand in any more. I’m trying to find more online content to read–I’ve been hanging on to Gawker and Jezebel halfheartedly and with the newest dust-up i might finally be done. It’d be great if The Hairpin picked back up!
Yeah, I’ve always been ambivalent about Jezebel. There some great writers there, but a lot of the content and the snark I could do without. With Gawker making it more of a celebrity/pop culture site I’ll probably read even less. I’m always on the look out for great sits by women. The Hairpin and the Toast are just such rare corners of the Internet.
The site The Establishment looks kinda promising – have you checked that out at all? The URL is http://www.theestablishment.co/
The Establishment is amazing. Love everything they’ve been doing.
WOW holy not safe for work. But I will definitely read it at home!
The Edith posts feel like weird spam robot posts. What is going on?
I’m strangely scared to go look, like I’ll get upset–and I’ve been upset enough this week (as every non-sociopath has been).
Guuuuuys. I’ve got my first dogsitting client and it’s wonderful! He’s so cute and he plays with my dog and he cuddles with me and I’m loving this. DogVacay and Rover are now two of my favorite things if I can get more of this in my life (and I’m getting paid for it!).
Only downside is that the HOA chose the day the dog got dropped off to take down one side of my fence that they’ll be replacing so the dogs can’t run around the yard on a lovely day as I work outside. 🙁 Hopefully it will be back up within a day or two.
I have been daydreaming about starting a doggy daycare. I would love to pick your brain. If you wouldn’t mind: rmcd 1974 (at] hot mail Thanks.
Bless you. I use a Rover sitter pretty regularly and am so grateful that they exist. My current sitter moved from 10 minutes away to 45 minutes away but I still take my dog to her because she just LOVES Stella and takes good care of her and sends me pictures.
How have we gotten through the Link Roundup AND half an hour of Open Thread without talking about ADELE???? I pre-ordered it last night at 11pm so I could cry in the shower this morning and it does NOT disappoint. I have “All I Ask” stuck on repeat. <3 <3 <3
THANK YOU for this because I (gasp) forgot her new album was out today!! I’ve already memorized Hello after getting CHILLS the first million times I listened to it.
(as usual, I am 500 hours late to OT but I still wanted to chime in!)
man why am I arguing with this nerd on twitter
take a break and argue with us nerds here!
that’s much harder, I agree with you guys about most things.
Also, I think I’ve expended most of my vitriol on the subject of Hogwarts Houses.
just like a Slytherin!
There is nothing wrong with being a Slytherin!
Don’t even joke about that, Slytherins are terrible.
It’s true, you know it, everyone knows it. Especially Slytherins, that’s why they all gather around the internet to try to redeem their public image.
see, I told you to argue with us nerds here.
I win 🙂
Braak, take a walk! CleverManka, TAKE A WALK!
Seriously, though, this is the most fun I’ve had all day.
Thank you, braak, this was delightful and I’m so sorry you got screwed over there at the end with the HTML but that was hilarious.
It was supposed to be this one.
which I feel totally would have won the day
Probably because that nerd is wrong about something. KEEP FIGHTING.
Ugh we are fighting about what political correctness is, and let me tell you, I know this guy from Of Old. One of these guys that thinks that by fetishizing the attitude of objectivity that somehow makes him good at argument, but look here! Is he fighting straw men? Cherry picking examples? Has he deployed multiple premises simultaneously, so that he can defend one as a pretense at defending the other?
The worst part is that nerds like this think they’re so fucking smart, and all they are is mired in plain sophistry, but the second you say, “This is a bullshit argument, get out of here with that”, they cry “Ad hominem ad hominem!” and go home smug and secure that no one can beat them.
WHICH IS A LOGICAL FALLACY. Just because someone tries to use an ad hominem (which “this is bullshit” isn’t) doesn’t make their point wrong or untrue (it’s just unsupported by the argument), and crucially, it doesn’t make the recipient right! That is BAD LOGIC. this pisses me off so much
Yeah you don’t got to tell me.
“Ad hominem, ad hominem!”
“No, dummy, it’s only argumentum ad hominem if I use the fact that you’re stupid as evidence of the fact that you’re wrong. When I use the fact that you’re wrong as evidence that you’re stupid, it’s just a reasonable conclusion.”
I’m gonna keep that retort tucked into my back pocket for later use.
memorizing that right now.
Ah, yes, the Fallacy fallacy.
This is 100% why I am so wary of people who answer “no” to the OKC match question: Are you annoyed by people who are overly logical?
People who self-describe as overly logical have, to a one, been amongst the most irrational fuckers I’ve ever met only there’s no arguing with them because they know FOR A LOGICAL FACT that they are most logical.
Yeah those guys aren’t logical at all, they just fetishize the language of logic as a rhetorical strategy to improve their social cachet by winning arguments.
You can tell because “logical” is a binary condition — a person is either logical, in the sense that their notions and behaviors conform to logic, or not. You can’t be overly logical, unless you think “logical” is some kind of personal quality of character.
Ugh, this is so real. Known fact that anybody who calls themself “logical” is an insufferable asshat
You guys are describing one of my exes so well right now. Winning an argument > than learning from one. I used to really like debates before I met him because it seemed like a good way to learn from other people’s perspectives, but dating someone who saw it as something he was out to win really started to turn me off from arguing or debating at all.
Also, he was a philosophy major. So there’s that.
My condolences. In grad school my friends and I (one of whom was a philosophy student herself) would actively avoid socializing with the philosophy department people because sometimes (MOST TIMES) a person just wants to enjoy a cocktail in peace without being drawn into a pointless debate about when a person is balding vs. bald or whether a molecular copy of the Parthenon would hold the same cultural value.
…i have been this dude
My family argues for sport. We’re all smart, verbal, competitive people, so we’d kinda spar on everything…somebody would hold out a position, someone else would set themselves opposite, and then we’d all just go at it. My parents were both debaters in school and are lawyers in their professional lives, and my brother and I took after them. It took me a really, really long time to realize that everybody else didn’t do that, and that A. lots of people view arguments as a failure mode of a relationship, rather than a fun diversion, and that B. winning an argument isn’t and shouldn’t always be the goal, because in real, non-theoretical arguments, you’re sometimes wrong and should lose and say sorry and do better.
TBH I also tend to see the whole dumb binary as hopelessly, pointlessly gendered as well which is why I nope right away from the edge of that particular toxic morass.
I don’t really know how anyone can look at how logic works and then say, “oh, yeah, this is definitely an effective and functional way to live my life.”
Lots of people confuse logic with binaries, for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because of black and white thinking in general, or if computers have anything to do with it.
Well, I think true / false conditions are an essential part of formal logic, and they’re usually the part that we’re introduced to when we start learning about it; it’s easy to mistake that for the whole thing.
They tend to assume that “using logic” means “stating their opinion in a calm or mildly irritated voice while pretending that they only care about words and that the relationship to the other person isn’t important, because feelings aren’t real”.
Actually I could shorten that to “they believe that ‘using logic’ means ‘to act as if feelings aren’t real'”.
Okay, so I do not self-describe as overly logical at all. But I had an ex who definitely described me that way and got really mad about it. I think what he was describing as “too much logic” was actually just me calmly pointing out why the really hurtful thing he had just done was really hurtful. He wanted an emotional, inarticulate response so that he could brush it off as an overreaction, and instead he got an explanation that made sense, and he couldn’t handle that. So people who self-describe as overly logical may be irrational, but the tendency to describe others as overly logical can still be a red flag and I’m glad OKC asks that question.
No that’s not the worst pat, the worst part is that I get bored running rings around this knucklehead, but he’s too much of a dope to realize he’s outgunned, so he can keep at it all day.
Please excuse my arrogance, but I am BESET by punk suckers.
Ain’t arrogance if it’s true.
Can you borrow any putdowns from Roxane? BC hers are the best
Hahah, I at first thought this meant from the movie Roxanne, which has great put downs but they are all exclusively about the size of a person’s nose.
Oh man I totally misread that as “keep fisting” what is the matter with me
Because someone is Wrong on the internet?
I forgot the markup, or I would have already posted that xkcd comic.
I took off work today because I was already over hours and still sick, I wanted to get to a doctor. Well, I got a doctor appt. for tomorrow, and I remembered that next week is only half a week and I should have gotten the hours when I could, dammit. But I am also on week three of a fever so I’m trying not to feel guilty. Since the high schooler leaves in 4 hours for Florida I’ve been a little on edge. I was able to help out his bff/my bff’s kid, she forgot a bunch of her clothes/uniform/bra stuff and I ran and got her from school and helped her get the rest of her packing done at lunchtime, so I feel a little less lazy.
I will probably decide to enroll for the phd. I am trying to work up the courage to call the support enforcement center and find out whether the alimony ends in 6 weeks or not. I’m afraid of the answer!
Nothing much here to report. Idiot is taking 12 yr old by herself with the whole “extra family” to “extra family’s” grandma house for dinner today/tomorrow –if he pulled her out of school to do it I’ll be really pissed, and I’m already pissed, because he didn’t tell her, he made me tell her. So she’ll be all alone except for dad at somebody elses’ grandma’s house for “thanksgiving” and she’ll miss her best friend’s birthday party. She is too afraid to speak up to him to tell him she doesn’t want to go (and he’d find ways to make her feel bad about it if she does).
Anyway, I’m going to take a nap and pray they can give me the right meds tomorrow to kick this kidney infection goodbye, and hope that by sunday I’ll feel better enough to clean something.
🙁
don’t feel lazy! It seems like you’ve got a lot on your plate right now and that definitely does not sound like laziness! Also, who cares about cleaning. Unless you find it relaxes you to clean, don’t worry about it – the dust will still be there.
I mean, unless you spilled a jar of marinara sauce on the floor, then you should clean that up…
Just wanted to second champagnewastoblame’s encouragement to not clean anything that isn’t absolutely crucial.
I hope the doctor can do something for you – long term fevers are no fun!
sending hugs if you want them!!!
That is a long time to have a fever, you are 100% right to give yourself a break and not clean things.
Bummer about the kid missing her friend’s birthday. Maybe she can have the friend over for a sleepover once she gets back from Thanksgiving so they can have BFF time. I’m sorry you have to deal with an idiot for the rest of your kid’s childhood.
We bought a house! We’re not moving until the end of April, but we signed a P&S and it’s ours! Whee!
yay!
Woo!!
dealing with someone with shit boundaries when that person is (1) a blackout drunk (2) a friend (3) the partner of an even better friend who you do not want to lose.
[the rest of my life is just full of peaches and roses right now, but this one thing …… drains me.]
ETA: i don’t mean to just drop in with no salutation and be like “hey you guys solve my problem,” it’s more like, i am carrying around this big bag of shit, and it will do my heart good to set it down somewhere.
Feel free to set it down here; that is a shitty situation and you should not have to pretend that it isn’t.
<3
Obvious question, but have you told the friend that they lose their boundaries when they drink? Sometimes a kind, gentle explanation of how someone acts like a dick when drunk is enough to snap them out of it.
sadly, yeah. a lot. verbally, in writing, kindly, angrily, loudly, gently, with a goat, in a boat, etc. etc. the disconnect from reality is *terrifying,* and so familiar since my ex drank in the same way, except he was docile and not aggressive.
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that :/. If this person knows that they cross a line when drunk but refuses to change, maybe distance yourself from them a little but while bolstering the friendship with their partner? It’s a rough situation.
it may be time to video record them and play it back when they wake up. I don’t think that’s over the top, if they have refused to hear anything else.
Is their partner present at these times? It seems like they would have the best chance of being an effective drunk-wrangler for these situations. Otherwise, if this person is aware they are violating boundaries while blackout drunk and doesn’t really see that as an issue they need to solve and continues to get blackout drunk, then I can’t say that this person seems like someone who views YOU as a friend. I understand wanting to preserve good relations, especially since you are close with their partner, but you can’t really force someone to change their behavior. Is there a way to just not be around them when they drink?
change can’t be forced, and i do know that. every time we’ve had a seemingly productive conversation, things improve for a while, and then go sliding back. and at that point i just lay low and stay away. there are some feelings-y complications, but mostly, my friend knows how things get, and she gets more of it, worse, than i do. so at the very least it helps me be a good listener.
it’s a problem with no clear solution, which is why it’s nice to just blurt it all out here.
Oh man, that’s really rough! This really just sounds like a person who needs to stop drinking. I don’t really have any good advice, but you definitely have all my sympathy and internet-hugs 🙁
I think this is the key line: “my friend knows how things get, and she gets more of it, worse, than i do.” It sounds like your friend is dating someone with a drinking problem who is abusive (“aggressive”, “shit boundaries”) when drunk… which is to say, abusive, period, since they are still drinking after being told about this over and over.
So, I want you to get away from drunk-friend, but can’t advocate giving up close-friend. It might be time for a talk with close-friend where you say that drunk-friend’s behavior is unacceptable, and you are not going to hang out anymore while drunk-friend is drinking, and that you worry about how close-friend is being treated and wonder if they should think about drawing some hard lines around alcohol or getting out of the relationship. This is a super hard conversation to have! It might make things weird between you for a while. But it will let them know that it isn’t ok for their partner to treat them (or you) that way. And if you keep hanging out with them one-on-one, but avoid partner while drinking, it will be better for you, and might help them face the issue.
This is all really rough on you. I hope you do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and you can always drop your problems here.
y’know, yeah. i have been reluctant to use the word ‘abusive’ because i think she would be reluctant to hear it. and it’s hard to say it of a person who i do consider a friend, and who has a good heart, mostly.
the dynamic is more “bull in a china shop” or “incredibly emotional and needy and blind to the damage,” than outright violent. which can definitely be forms of abuse, i know.
ultimately my goal is to do for her what i can, without getting so close to the situation that i make it messier.
thank you guys so so soooo much for being so kind.
Winter self-care thread toasties ?
We’ve had a pretty easy run of it so far in my part of the world, but winter will be upon us with a vengeance from tomorrow onwards. I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say that I suffer from SAD, but it’s definitly not my favorite time of year.
I try to follow the basic advice like getting out of the house and exercising as much as possible, and also have a few tricks I know work for me like lighting candles in the evening, wearing bright colors and having flowers around, going to bed early and keeping my apartment tidy.
What do you all do to keep the winter blues at bay?
Though it can be nigh impossible some days, I try to keep a moderately full social calendar. Even if it’s just going to my friends place and drinking wine or grabbing a quick post work drink.
Something about not going home right after work and sitting on the couch in the dark and cold really helps.
Me too. I know a lot of people’s self-care involves canceling plans, but I really need to be social regularly or I’ll just lie comatose in my bed in front of Netflix and feel lonely.
I use my sun lamp religiously and I try not to drink as much as I do in the summer.
Sunlamp as well. I have to put it on right first thing when my alarm goes off, and then read in bed for at least a half hour.
I do need to kickstart my physical activity though, because I stopped biking after the time change.
yep to the sun lamp. I start using it before daylight savings ends, to get a jump on things. it’s hard getting up early to squeeze in 15 minutes in front of it in the morning the first week-ish, but then it gets easier.
Do you (or anyone else) have a specific sun lamp you want to recommend? I’ve been thinking about getting one but it’s hard to know what to pick.
Following this; I know I need a sunlamp, but I have no idea how to choose the right one..
I just have the little Sphere brand one that’s like the second hit on Amazon. It’s a little flimsy, but it’s also portable and works (at least for me!)
Mine is a “Day Light” by Uplift Technologies, and about 7 years old. http://www.day-lights.com/product/classicindex.ht…
I have a friend who had good luck with a Sadelite Full Spectrum.
I have one of those, and I’ve used it religiously since about 2009 and only had to replace one bulb so far.
I actually use mine at work! It’s portable so I take it home on the weekends, but I turn it on as soon as I get there and chill for like a half-hour in front of it. Plus, people are curious and come from all over my office to ask me about it!
I actually have SAD, and I definitely think trying to be active does help — but also what has helped me a lot over the last two winters is to not fight my hibernation/winter impulses so much. I struggle with this idea that I should BE MORE and DO more, and that in juxtaposition with the SAD makes me feel WORSE, because not only do I not want to DO MORE, I can’t really make myself do too much and then I feel like a failure. So I think there is a certain degree of being gentle with yourself, allow your body/mind to guide you towards the things that feel good — the idea of lighting candles is a good one, gentle pleasures that lighten up your day. I burn incense, curl up under a quilt, take the time to read all the actual books I’ve been meaning to read. I also use a sunlamp which helps a LOT.
I very much get what you’re saying, though I also find it helpful to make myself do things I really don’t feel like because of the weather – such as getting my boots and coat on and going for a walk or working out, as the endorphins then stay with me throughout the day. I try to strike a balance between that and the “little things”.
I have to get on the sunlamp thing, I’m seeing those recommended a lot.
I’m seriously considering this strategy this winter. Trees and squirrels get to hibernate, I should be able to, too. Working out does make me feel better when I get too down – and by “working out” I mean something more like putting on a coat and going for a walk – but so does turning on lamps instead of overhead lights and lighting some candles and snuggling up with a book and some tea.
In addition to a bluelight sun lamp I also have one of those alarm clocks that wakes you up by gradually increasing the light level in the room and the whole simulated-sunrise thing does make it easier to get out of bed. The other trick is that I keep it at the other end of the room and cannot turn it off unless I drag my ass out of bed, in which case I might as well stay up since I’m now Out in the Cold.
Hot dinners help. If you have a crockpot now is the time. I don’t, so I like to make farro on weeknights and french onion soup on the weekends. If you have time on the weekend, making hot meals ahead and freezing them is great. Put one in the fridge in the morning to defrost and finish heating it up when you come home. Hot dinners do wonders for my mood in winter.
I desperately want one of those alarm clocks but can’t afford one at the moment, so am thinking of DIYing something with a timer and a lamp 🙂
Absolutely agree on the hot dinners! Litres of vegetable winter soup prepped on Sunday afternoon, reheated on weekday evenings with tiny pasta and parmesan and parsley. Wonderful.
This is the very reason I got a slow cooker!
You know what, I’m just going to throw this out there: a major part of my self-care routine is weed. I’m lucky to live in a state where it’s legal recreationally, and it helps pick up the slack where my anxiety meds don’t quite (I feel like the medication is for maintaining a long-term average, where the weed is for short-term stuff). (Insert mandatory Don’t Do Drugs PSA here, I guess – it’s certainly not for everyone, but it is for me).
Hey, I wish it worked for me! It has a fantastic reputation for chronic pain, but nope, it just made me groggy. A friend of mine finds it great for anxiety, though, and switching to a vaporiser really helped them give up smoking tobacco.
Yeah, it’s definitely not for everyone! & I’m definitely not one of those “marijuana is a cure-all magic plant” because nothing is. It just felt weird to keep leaving it out of these discussions, especially when I’m totally comfortable saying “I like to kick back with netflix & beer,” but not “…& weed.” (Because everyone is super-invested in my honest reporting of my own self-care routine 🙂 )
Exercise is huge for me. It was especially helpful this week, when there were actual Bad Things happening in the world on top of SAD stuff. Yoga, climbing, and weightlifting. Keeps my mind on the pain in my body instead of in my head!
My new apartment is as dry as the Gobi Desert thanks to forced air heat, so I’m buying a couple of good (over $50) humidifiers to put here and there.
The little bitty Vicks model I bought has already resulted in my hair looking better, but it’s around 35% humidity in here when it’s not raining outside and that is too damn dry.
For some reason, I misread the second sentence as “We’ve had a run-in with the end of the world”, which sounded pretty exciting.
Hey! Which of you toasties have Friday plans you’d give your left arm to be able to cancel? I’m low level sick, it’s freezing cold, I’m exhausted from work but because I’m a frequent canceler (depression! introverted but still people-pleasing so don’t turn down invitations even when I want to!) I can’t get away with cancelling tonight. Ugh I wish robust people wouldn’t take it so personally when you try and explain not having spoons for things. It’s not you! It’s not Lack of Willpower! I won’t Feel Better if I Leave the House! Gaaaah!
If it won’t guilt you, lie. Tell them you got the cold going around the office and you’d never forgive yourself if you sneezed on them and got them sick. (This is assuming you really can’t tell them the insufficient spoons thing, but yeah, do what you gotta do to take care of yourself.)
Yup, I’ve definitely been there. Can you cut it short and go home to some major self care?
I have plans with the bf tonight. I’m 100% looking forward to seeing him and after tonight we won’t be able to get together for 2 weeks so I’m not cancelling but there’s a giant snow storm rolling through tomorrow and I don’t have a snow shovel. Or any food. And I’m supposed to have furniture delivered but I haven’t cleared that room yet. My plan is to gird my loins, stay up late/get up early to whatever store is open 24hrs and rearrange and then not leave the house for the rest of the weekend.
Props on the Bloggess/Spoons reference.
I definitely feel you on the already-used-up-my-cancellation-quota thing. I have standing plans with a friend every Thursday that I feel like cancelling pretty much every single week, but I try really hard not to bail twice in a row. Which then means I start negotiating with myself like, “Are you SURE you want to cancel tonight, or do you just not feel like getting dressed? What if you’re actually super tired next week?” I literally use “if you suck it up and go tonight, you can cancel next week” as an incentive. This is probably not good.
I went, and it was difficult but OK. The hardest part, the part that takes the most energy, is keeping a lid on the irritability that overwhelms me when I’m exhausted. Think I did ok though. Now I’m in bed with a hot water bottle and my Joy is Unconfined.
Thanks for sympathizing, toasties!
Congrats! Well done!
Weird flirt whining in the reply!
Toasties I am struggling with this…flirting I am doing with a friend of mine. Not only because she has a serious partner but also because I do not feel like I am…gay enough? To be flirting with a woman? Like I know it’s a spectrum but I guess I am not exactly clear where I fall on said spectrum? And like..am I only flirting with her because she has an (admitted) crush on me? Doesn’t that make me like The Worst TM and also THAT straight(ish?) girl that no one likes?
Obviously I respect her relationship and I am not planning on charging in on any sort of steed and sweeping her away but like WOW sexuality is confusing huh?
Ugghhh am I going to have to talk with her about this???
I’d actually advocate against talking to her about it until you have your feelings a little more figured out. (Not your feelings toward her, but your feelings in general.) It sucks to be in your shoes, but it also sucks to realize you’re the scratching post against which people are itching themselves as they try to figure out their sexuality. And you’re not the worst! Hot people make us flirty! But, ya know, be good.
I hear ya. I think I’m a little too wrapped up in Not Being The Worst to actually step back and think about what my feelings are? But I’m away visiting family for the next week- hopefully that will give me some time to process and figure some shit out.
(Btw, thanks for taking that as tough love and not a smack-down. I’ve been in your shoes. And yeah, time and distance helps cool things off!)
I take it on good faith that Toasties are only ever giving me tough love. Also I know I needed it. 🙂
Just wondering – do you know for certain that her relationship is exclusive? Is it possible that she’s flirting because she’s interested in seeing how far it will go?
It’s not your responsibility to worry about her relationship, but it is up to you to decide how you feel about her being in one, and whether that changes if it turns out the relationship is open/closed. Also, you’re not The Worst for flirting back! Flirting is fun, and if that’s as far as you want it to go, hopefully she is prepared to accept that. I’m queer and in a monogamish relationship and half the time when I flirt with people, it’s just for fun and I’m totally unsurprised when nothing happens.
Yeah, they are 100% exclusive. I think my issue with the flirting is that I didn’t realize I was doing it for what I felt was too long and also that she admitted that her crush on me is more serious than I thought?
I feel real bad about like..carelessly flirting and then maybe not meaning it? I’m hoping that my vacation gives me some much needed mental clarity.
Hello Toasties!
I have a) a four-day a week job, b) four days a week of law school, and c) tonsillitis. There is zero chance of my having any time off A and B in order to deal with C, so my question is: what is your best strategy for forcing your way through a nine-hour shift of selling coffee machines when you feel like absolute death? Do I caffeinate? Eat loads? What’s the best plan, please?
My recipe is actually 80% caffeination, regular hydration (like every 15 mins take a slug of water or juice), and more or less constant snacking between meals. Not a healthy strategy for every day, obviously, but that’s what works for me on days like this.
If by “deal with” you mean “take time off to rest/lay in bed,” you can try and avoid that by lots of orange juice/lemonade and healthy snacks. But if by “Deal with” you mean “go to a doctor,” you NEED to take time to deal with it. Does your law school offer any sort of health services? If you need to skip a class, it’s ok. (Also, depending on what class it is, I might be able to help with some notes).
I went to the doctor on Monday (thank you, NHS), and he said, ‘please take some time off work and classes and also eat this penicillin’.
You are the height of sweetness to offer, thank you so much, and if you have like miraculous insight into piercing the veil of incorporation in UK company law, I will ALWAYS take it.
Girl, I work 15 hours a week and am in good health and the law game is still killing me. No advice, just trying to figure out how to survive finals. (Anyway you could get an extension on exams at your school?)
Thank God, English law schools have their exams in January, not November/December. I have a mock exam on Monday, but it’s in my best subject (succession and inheritance, wooooo!), so I should be OKish. Just trying to avoid accidentally citing episodes of the Good Wife as legal cases.
My survival advice (which may not help right now but which will hopefully help going forward) – 1) this is going to sound really insane to people who are in lawschool right now, but take notes by hand and then turn them into a more formal structure by typing summaries. Honestly this was the most important thing that I did. 2) Read, but don’t kill yourself doing the reading. If you have good professors, you will learn so much more in class. 3) take breaks (seriously when I was bar studying my roommates had to do an intervention for me that involved rum). 4) take a legal clinic if you can. It’s great experience (and it will probably give your GPA a boost).
Overheard at the office this week:
– “For something that’s so dry, it’s so moist, do you know what I mean?”
– “Did you hear? They found a cure for DNA!”
This next one was unfortunately not “overheard” because it took place at a meeting I attended, during which we were trying to hammer out the job requirements for a hiring process:
Person 1: It says here the job requires being able to lift boxes [of paper files] of up to 40 lb, does everyone agree with that?
Person 2: That sounds like a lot to me!
Person 3: I actually weighed a box of files the other day and it was only 25 lb.
Person 1: How big are your boxes? It depends on the size of the boxes and how many files you put in each box.
Person 2: 40 lb just sounds like a lot in my opinion.
Person 4: And what if they have to lift more than one box at a time? Can we legally require people to lift more than one box at a time if that would be over 40 lb?
Person 2: 40 lb sounds too heavy to me!
Person 3: If they have more than one box, they can put the boxes on a cart.
Person 1: If we require them to be able to LIFT 40 lb, how much weight can be require them to be able to push on a cart?
Person 3: There must be some government standards on this.
Person 4: I’ll make a note. ACTION ITEM: Look up government standards on weight-lifting requirements for this type of position.
Person 2: That’s more than my kayak weighs!
Me: *passes out from lack of oxygen, having held my breath for half an hour in an effort not to scream*
Usually I just read these with a wry superior twist to my mouth but I legit laughed out loud at “Did you hear? They found a cure for DNA!”
You win the prize for patience and forbearance. I don’t know how you do it.
Person 2 is my favorite. Just keep trying, Person 2! Eventually you’ll convince them it’s too heavy!
It’s like a math textbook question from hell. If Marisol can lift 40 lb in her arms and push 90 lb on a cart, how much does Stephanie’s kayak weigh?
I’m definitely going to start using “more or less than a kayak” when discussing the weights of things.
I’ve been sick for 3 weeks, but working because I have only part time work and no benefits. Also, I am probably sick this long because I’m avoiding going to the appropriate doctors (ones that would do labwork) due to money issues.
Anyway, I overheard bitchy lady at work on the phone (the one who got back from Paris last month to say there were too many refugees). She was telling the person on the phone that “We can’t possible get those transcripts done for you this week, you don’t understand, we are all too busy, I’ll be gone next week, R will be gone after that, it just gets so frantic because we all have to make sure we take our vacations before the end of the year.”
I always give these posts a thumbs-up before actually reading them because they never fail to make me laugh.
But I don’t know how you put up with this. I hope you eventually find a job that suits you well and has nice, competent co-workers!
Video Game thread! I bought a PS4 with my girlfriend recently, and it has been great fun watching her play Fallout 4, while I play Witcher 3 when I have the time. I really like so much about Witcher 3, I just wish it wasn’t so over the top and clearly aimed at dudes. Unnecessary and makes for a worse game.
Ah well. What are other people playing?
I just started Undertale last night! It’s surprisingly emotional for such a funny game. I’m trying to make it all the way through without killing anyone… which so far has been really hard! I’m terrible at twitchy-type controls so all the fast dodging and stuff is a pain.
I’m not much of a gamer, but I heard so many great things about Undertale that I bought it. I had to make my 13-y-o lil brother do so many of the controls for me.
Sorry @ all women, I’m a walking stereotype wrt hand-eye coordination.
I have been considering trying undertale since everyone everywhere seems to like it, since even the Toast is talking about it I guess it’s time to finally do it!
I am NOT playing Sunless Sea right now because Steam suddenly no longer supports the OS on my elderly iMac and I’m a little grumpy.
I made the (very wise) decision to play Fallout 3 while everyone is hyped up about Fallout 4 because I can’t afford to buy a shiny new game at the moment. I’ve never thoroughly played through Fallout 3 so I’m having a grand old time!
My wife told me I wasn’t allowed to buy Fallout 4 until this weekend, so I started playing Fallout New Vegas instead. I’ve never played any of them, so now I think this actually might occupy me until the price drops somewhat for the new one. Worked out nicely!
Every time someone on the internet says they started playing New Vegas, I feel the kind of warmth and pride that other people probably feel when their child gets married
Are Fallout 1 and 2 kind of shit or something? I only ever see people mention Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas.
Fallout 1 and 2 are hailed as classics, but came out quite a long time ago, and are a different game style (isometric turn-based). Fallout 3 was when Bethesda got the IP rights and made a game similar to their Elder Scrolls series. (I haven’t really played the originals longer than a few minutes).
In addition to being, as noted, a very different game style, they are also older and suffer many of the flaws of older PC games (clunky controls, awkward design choices, sometimes hard to get a hold of–though now I believe you can buy them through GOG). They are worth playing if you like the isometric turn-based style, but I found that you have to go in with a sort of nostalgic and forgiving mindset to enjoy them.
I have worked 9+ hours in 5 of the last 7 days, have mentored for an hour a night four of those days, have lifted for an hour after mentoring on three of those days, and have watched a college and a professional football game on the gaming TV with company in my apartment.
In that same time span, I have played 35 hours of Fallout 4. I may have a problem. A wonderful, wonderful problem.
I like that the PS4 doesn’t tell me at least obviously how many hours I have spent playing. Improvement over PC gaming, where it’s staring me in the face.
Fallout! Although I haven’t gotten a chance to play all week and I’m afraid of getting to that point where I feel too overwhelmed by its massiveness to even turn it on.
I prefer narrower games for that reason, like Mass Effect, but I am from the suburbs of Boston, and watching my gf run around Concord was really funny/ weird.
Same. I own both Fallout 3 and New Vegas, but felt too overwhelmed to play either even though I’m sure I’ll enjoy them. With Skyrim it was different, because I was familiar with the gameplay and style from smaller Elder Scrolls endeavors.
Honestly the Fallout 4 map feels fairly small to me (though dense with stuff) compared to even Skyrim. Daggerfall has like 20 provinces full of random towns / dungeons to visit!
Yeah, the map doesn’t feel big, just super, super busy. Lotta stuff going on in the Commonwealth.
I’ve recently re-subbed to the Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO, and I’m loving it. The new Fallen Empire expansion is amazing.
Also, I’ve decided that all Bioware games are canon, and the movies are not. It makes for a better Star Wars experience, I find.
I am still in mourning for the dead companions. The new gree cube holograms that replaced them are not the same. (note: swtor does not admit that the companions have been replaced by gree hologram pets, but rest assured, they have been.)
I especially dislike that the obituary-like descriptions on the new pet window, the one where you dial in which gree cube pet you are going to take out, don’t seem to have a way to hide them. I hate having it slammed in my face every time I have to open that window.
I’ve been playing swtor off and on since it started, but many of the game mechanic changes with this expansion mean I’m only playing now because a friend *really, really* likes Star Wars and is playing swtor for the storyline, and it is a game that does require some group content, and it is easier to get a group if you already have part of a group formed. She played other games with me when she didn’t care for the game mechanics, so I’m gritting my teeth and hanging in there.
When you open the companion interface (“N” by default), there’s a weird protrusion on the right side about 1/4 of the way from the top; clicking it collapses the bio/obit pane so you just have a list of companions.
ugh, is that new xpac stuff? I haven’t gotten there yet. I am hanging out at 60 waiting for my gaming partner to get it together instead of screwing around with WoW endlessly but I’m about to just do the new story because I’m fiending to get to it instead of leveling up the various classes just for curiosity. I am so far okay with class changes, though bummed about the companion nerf. I will be seriously traumatized if I have actually lost my companions. I have only persisted as a Jedi Knight because Lord Scourge is my soulmate and even post-nerf, we destroy all the things.
You “lose” them in Fallen Empire as part of the storyline, but Bioware has said you’ll get them back later as part of the storyline. If it slays you to not have a companion, there is a holoterminal somewhere that lets you get them back early. But some of the new companions are cool.
Thanks for the tip! I am so bummed about the pets thing that I don’t open that window unless absolutely forced to do so, so didn’t mess with it much.
I haven’t gotten to the storyline that actually removes the pets; I’m not doing the new content until my friend decides to go there, and I’m probably going to use the ‘make a new lvl 60 char’ option for that. (I’m a subscriber.) I would be looking forward to new companions, but they won’t be companions, just pets–a game mechanic that gives you extra dps/heals/tank with a, for example, Lord Scourgebot. None of the quirks of the old companions are there. Lord Scourgebot is the same as T7bot. You just pick whether you want the bot to heal/dps/tank and they have pretty much the same list of heal skills or dps skills.
Apparently there is an uproar about the latest nerfing of the pets, where they cut healing, especially, to minimal usefulness. I’m told they are seeking feedback from players about trying to run the Heroic +2s (which you are supposed to be able to do with a pet). After the healing nerf, it is nearly impossible to run any of the Heroics unless you are equipped in top of the line gear, and even at that, Selten decided that running a Heroic was not worth the death and time ratio. Very long, boring slog.
So you might try a Heroic +2 if you have time (Belsavis if you have chars to there, because those are the heroics most complained about) and give your feedback.
I’m not sure I’ll get a chance to roll up yet more chars on Shadowlands server, ha! My swtor time is getting less and less.
I am ECSTATIC to hear another Toastie playing. I feel like I am the lone gamer among all my gaming friends playing this, and I am crazy for the leveling experience. I was an original subscriber but didn’t have time between a raiding schedule in WoW and a small child to do much, so I never did much beyond just level toons.
What class are you maining?
I haven’t done much by way of Ops – opinions? Is the endgame decent?
See my grumbling below about the demotion of the companions to vague pet-like objects, so my take on swtor may not be useful.
I don’t have a main, exactly. On Imperial side I have a bounty hunter tank level capped and on Republic side a commando healer dude level capped. The bounty hunter at one time was a dps and did ops on a weekly basis, and has done a few ops as a tank, but the ops as a tank were done with pug ops and it was not all that fun. I also have other chars at various levels–my friend that I mainly play the game with now likes the storyline stuff and we’ve been doing the class storylines for all the classes.
I enjoyed some of the ops when I was in a guild that could do raiding. The game has some really fun scenarios. I’m not sure what changes the new expansion has done for raiding, so I can’t help you there. The old system was fairly standard with loot rolls, etc., but non-ops now has loot for everyone on a defeated boss, so not sure how ops work now.
If you aren’t in a raid guild or are not comfortable with pug ops, there’s other end game-ish stuff to do. It is possible to gear a char to near raid gear by doing HM FPs and meeting conquest point goals (conquests can be super fun, depending on the week and what the goals are). Some people do that and then apply to one of the big raiding guilds, but I’m not willing to make the commitment of time that a true raiding guild requires, ha!
I am not a fan of the removal of class stats (long, boring explanation left out), but then, I quit WoW cold upon the Cataclysm expansion going live, so I’m just an old curmudgeon about long time games ‘streamlining’ systems, yet, somehow, making it more complicated and less fun.
I’d tell you what server we are on, but honestly, I don’t remember now. There’s been some server mergers and splits and I think it’s Jedi Covenant, but I could be totally wrong, ha! Though I’m an old curmudgeon, I’m always willing to help people out with quests, etc.
It is rarely rewarding to tank for randoms. Or heal, for that matter. People are impatient and pushy and bossy and frequently bad. And if that sounded elitist *and* lazy…. well. Yes.
I don’t know if I would ever commit to a raiding guild because I’m kind of picky having done pretty serious WoW raiding and raid-leading. Plus, when Legion drops, I’ll be doing more WoW than anything. But I might just be over raiding entirely, dunno. Mostly, I’d like to find a fun group of seasoned, good casuals to run stuff with when we all happen to have the time. But out of habit, I do like to get All Teh Gears possible. Yay for lewtz. 😛
Cata was the worst. Hated. Also didn’t love MoP, but weirdly now that everyone is all “EW Draenor” I kind of like it. And Legion looks to be interesting. That said, as a Wrath baby, it will be ICC forever for me. I was even thinking of rolling on a private server locked to Wrath.
And I do love light-sabering planets before breakfast. Sith is soooooooooo satisfying. I invariably wind up neutral unless I min/max on purpose, which is a bit annoying re: gear, but, it ultimately won’t matter too much and i get a lot of satisfaction from going against the grain and picking via the character I have in my head for that toon versus just going Dark/Light. Plus, the Sith Code is so silly and emo and awesome – I dramatically intone it to my toddler while changing her and she mimics it back and it makes me day. So funny.
I am currently rolling all my toons on Harbinger but I am going to look Dave up on Shadowlands and would be delighted to just goof off and do some FPs with Toasties. Let me know what server you and your friend are running on. I am also happy to wander in and do whatever role is needed to make stuff happen.
Sith side on Shadowlands I’m Darth Hatbox (a Cathar I named after one of my daughter’s randomly-named Sims 2 pets).
I’m pretty casual these days so I haven’t run ops since around launch/the first year of the game. Companions are all able to tank/heal/dps now (you toggle them). Kind of cool, in that you can keep out the one you like, vs. being forced to bring one companion based on their role. On the other hand, they all do pretty much the same stuff.
My main is a Jedi Guardian (focus spec) named Lomu, on Shadowlands, but I am an altoholic and have tons of alts at various levels. I’ve been playing through the story mission for each class and really enjoying it. Right now I’m spending a lot of time playing the Imperial Agent (voiced by Bertie Carvel, aka Jonathan Strange). I’ve been enjoying playing light side Imperials lately – there are some cool story options available there.
Fallen Empire has an amazing story, although it is not class specific, so the replay value may be low? There is a LOT to do in the endgame now, in terms of gearing up, unlocking additional companions, etc. They say they’re going to be doing small story drops on a monthly basis starting in January. That will be neat.
Also, since Lucasarts/film declared the entire EU non-canon (to give JJ Abrams more room to move, I guess), Bioware in turn don’t seem to feel bound by any history they did not write. So Fallen Empire goes in a dramatically different direction, or at least seems to be doing so. Very cool, and the story feels very Bioware-y, if that makes any sense.
Hit me up if you are on sometime and we can run a few flashpoints or something!
oh yeah, bounty hunter is named Selten; commando healer dude is named Hayse. I’m usually on around 9:30/10 pm central time.
I haven’t done any of the new content. I still have quests to do in the old content and am goofing around with the weekly conquest stuff, and really, I’m just keeping my guys geared to make sure I can back up people who need quest help. But I can always find tons of things to do on any char I decide to play. It’s not as much fun now, though, to solo, because the companions are gone.
One of the big draws of the swtor companions was that each had their own strengths and weaknesses and there were some you didn’t like, but had to use at times. It made it more like having an actual companion, rather than a pet that you dial up whatever skill set you thought would be useful. Now, I don’t *want* to use the pet that looks like that old companion I really liked, because it’s the same pet as all the others, just with a different face. Not sure if that makes sense, and I was surprised at how intense the feeling was. My bounty hunter did the romance with the romance companion, and used them whenever possible. Now, I won’t even get that pet out, the sense of loss is that strong.
I didn’t even put pants back on any of them–there’s some bug in the updating that put all pets back in the game without any pants (trousers) on. I had gone to great lengths to outfit the companions in clothes that suited them, but now it doesn’t matter, so whatever gree cube hologram I use, so what if it is pantsless.
The whole companion thing was one of the big, big draws to the game for me, and that’s gone. I’m not even that interested in unlocking the new pets; after the intro quest, they’re just another gree cube. 😛
Class storylines are a lot of fun. The imperial agent story is one of the best stories, nearly everyone I know that’s played through it found it very compelling.
I’m not very into canon, though my friend is very much so. When we were doing one of the sith class storylines, my sith guy was supposed to unlock something with his knowledge of the sith code. I had (and have) no idea what it is. I was all ‘sith code? sith code? destroying a planet before breakfast? I don’t know. all I know is I have a light saber! and can use it!’ My friend finally yelled at me to stop pushing buttons and let her do it, heh, so I can’t speak to the various histories of the Star Wars universe.
At some point I’ll head to the new content, when my friend wants to check it out, but if you need help in the old content or FPs, feel free to shoot me a tell.
I’ve been leveling over on Harbinger, but I can roll something on Shadowlands. I have been leveling a Jedi Guardian just to see endgame content as a Pub, since I so far have only done the Sith storylines (lovelovelove the Inquisitor SL and Sith warrior is so fun to play). I liked the Shadow of Revan storyline stuff and am looking forward to seeing Fallen Empire stuff. Thecompanion nerf hurt a bit since i like running heroics solo, but it’s still doable as a tank. Going to see what happens to my poor squishy Sith healer. She’s early 50s, so I may be hosed in terms of doing various planetary heroics on my own. But at least they provide combat droids for solo flashpoint mode.
Does cross-server work in SWTOR? I’ll look at rolling something on Shadowlands anyway since I’m a leveling fiend.
I’ve been pretty happy with the writing in the game and find it more satisfying that a lot of the movie stuff. It’s a very satisfying world to muck about in. I’m glad Bioware won’t be limited with however canon is re-tooled by Abrams. I’d also like to see more subtlety in how light/dark points are determined.
I was looking for an excuse to start a character on a new server anyway, so I can come to Harbinger. I’ll roll a sith and a pub, just for the sake of being a completionist.
ETA: Sith side, I’m Akoimatos on Harbinger.
My exciting video game news is that I finally figured out which cord I needed to hook up my old Xbox! I have a slightly complicated TV/stereo/Xbox360 situation that someone else wired up for me, and it didn’t include the old Xbox, which is secretly a modded treasure stuffed full of emulators I received as a gift ten years ago.
So now that I can access the old Xbox, out of all the hundreds of games on dozens of platforms I could be playing, I’ve just been playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance on the GBA emulator. It is so soothingly basic and repetitive.
Oh hey, that pretty much matches my own views on The Witcher 3! I played about 60 hours of it earlier this year. The world has such a great feel, and it looks so beautiful, and there are actually some really decent female characters (like, despite her weird gaze-y outfit, I really like Keira Metz and her don’t-give-a-fuck-manipulate-everyone attitude). But then it snaps back into boob outfits and unnecessary female suffering and jarring moments of lady-shaming, and I just can’t. It’s also waaaaaaay too long and has bad pacing (“look, I KNOW where we’re going next to find Ciri, because it’s the next quest in my goddamn journal”). Might try to finish it one of these days, though, since I love just wandering the world.
I’m playing Fallout 4 here, but I also got seduced back by Invisible Inc. and its new DLC. Urgggh, I love that game SO MUCH.
what was up with Keira just chilling topless in the outdoor bath when you first meet her????? So so so so so so silly. I’m not opposed to nudity in video games, but that was just so unnecessary and stupid.
Invisible Inc. looks really cool, high on my list of games once I do my own playthrough of Fallout 4.
To be fair, if I were in a giant golden bath pagoda supplied by rain from an interdimensional portal and surrounded by candles and woodland animals, I’d be reluctant to get up and get dressed too.
How far are you? I have Opinions on the Bloody Baron questline, which everyone else seems to love. My biggest side-eye still comes from Corrine Tilly, the oneiromancer, though. If you haven’t gotten there yet, you’ll know it when you see it.
I have not gotten to Corrine yet. Bloody Baron has been… not as bad as I thought initially, but not great either.
When Keira says something along the lines of, “I’ve already given you a show” or something when discussing helping each other, I was like ugh. If she just didn’t care enough to get dressed, then yeah, that was a pretty excellent bath to be naked in.
I just picked up Stronghold (castle strategy game I played a bunch in high school) for like $6, and have been having a great time with it, partly because nostalgia and partly because it’s actually still a pretty good game.
I started playing Fallout 3 this week, just to see if I am into it enough to consider Fallout 4. It’s…okay? I also started playing Soda Dungeon on my phone and it’s super addicting.
I also have the new update for the Xbox One and I’m hoping to get some friends playing ME3 multiplayer with me again this weekend since they got rid of their 360s.
Splitting my time between Fallout 4 and the latest Starcraft expansion. I already beat the SC campaign, but I still play multiplayer with my friend.
More Skyrim!
My kittycat stealth archer finally defeated Miraak, the First Dragonborn! It was a very satisfying battle. First I assumed the Dragon Aspect, which boosted my armor and made my shouts more powerful, in addition to giving me sweet spikes. Then I used Storm Call to CALL DOWN THE THUNDER on Miraak. So even when he was running and dancing away from me like a wussy, he was still getting zapped with lightning. Then I just chased after him with lightning bolts in one hand and my flaming Daedric sword in the other hand, consuming copious numbers of Potions of Ultimate Healing all the while. Also I made sure to avoid all the dragon breath that was flying around.
GOOD TIMES. I think this boss battle was more fun than the one against Alduin.
It is so satisfying to dispatch Miraak because then he stops hijacking your dragon souls. Which I never even really need–I’m selective about spells, so I end up absorbing more souls than I need to activate new shouts–but it’s just the principle of the thing.
Sad about unwillingly becoming a minion of Hermaus Mora in Miraak’s stead though. That daedra’s a jerk.
YES. JERK, STOP TAKING MY SOULS.
I also am incredibly uncomfortable with becoming the minion of a daedra who very explicitly does not have the best intentions of humanity in mind, and indeed doesn’t care about anything except being the world’s biggest know-it-all. Like, I feel like I didn’t really sign up for this! At the very least I did not have informed consent.
WELP, that’s daedric princes for ya.
Right? Even the “good” ones aren’t really into considering the wishes of mortals. Like Meridia. She’s all like, “YOU. MORTAL. DO MY BIDDING AND KILL THIS NECROMANCER.” And I’m like, “Yeah sure, I can do that for you.” And she’s like, “OF COURSE YOU WILL. I TOLD YOU TO DO IT.”
I really liked the Witcher and Witcher 2, in spite of their terribleness on gender, but for some reason Witcher 3 is just rubbing me the wrong way. Like the whole Triss vs Yen thing doesn’t seem to be optional and they both seem pretty terrible and I end up just wandering around trying to find more people to play gwent against rather than playing the actual game.
Also, I’m thinking about playing Fallout 4, but I haven’t played any of the earlier Fallout games. Does anyone know if they are essential to enjoying/understanding Fallout 4 or would I be able to jump in okay?
Neither my gf nor I have played any other Fallout game, and we’re enjoying it a fair amount. Maybe watch some youtube videos to get a sense for the game?
This is good to hear! Thank you!
In Triss vs Yen, the answer is very clearly Vernon Roche. They complete each other in the gruffest, stubbliest way possible! GERALT + ROCHE 4EVA
Also, agreed on really liking The Witcher 2 despite its grossness, but being strangely cold on TW3. I think the relative shortness and conciseness of the first two games’ plots has something to do with it.
I’m not very far into it, but I feel like Roche has gotten weirdly pathetic in this game, to the point where I prefer the cocky, torturer/secret police version of him. I also couldn’t bring myself to play through Roche’s path for W2, so maybe he was always like this and I just never saw it? I did spend a good portion of that game pining hopelessly over Iorveth though. If they are going to make the vast majority of the women in this series kind of terrible, did they really have to make heterosexuality compulsory as well!
And I think you are right about W3’s size and length being an issue (though I thought W2’s ending was pretty abrupt), I keep running into quests where I can’t make the decision I want to make because the game won’t let me even though it should be possible in that worldstate whereas the previous games not having a good option was due to the world just being shitty and backing you into a corner. Like the whole time with the Baron’s quest it irritated me that your options were either tell him to fuck off entirely and leave his wife/daughter to whatever horrible fate or to listen to him continue to justify his abusiveness in order to go find them. Like why can’t I tell the dude he’s terrible, stab him AND go find these two women to make sure they’re okay? I also think that the awesomeness of Carmen and Saskia (and the fact that they were both very much not interested in Geralt sexually) in the previous games helped balance out the other shittery, but this game doesn’t seem to have someone like them yet.
I’m playing borderlands 2. I got the collection for ps4 and have been using the co-op gaming as an excuse to reconnect with some friends of mine I’d drifted from. I’m actually really surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed playing first person shooters this past couple years, and I think most of my enjoyment has been coming from playing multiplayer with folks I’m already friends with. It’s kept me in touch with a buddy who lives out of province because we still kinda get to hang out if we’re playing co-op together.
My birthday is tomorrow.
It isn’t a national holiday yet, but feel free to celebrate accordingly regardless.
That is all.
Happy birthday fellow Novemberite! There seem to be a lot of us.
Valentine’s Day was approximately 9 months ago.
My mother takes far too much delight in telling all of us when and why we were conceived. I was Valentine’s day, one sister was a power cut and the other was their weding anniversary.
My MIL claims that my sister-in-law was conceived during a ZZ Top concert.
My mom once pointed to a spot on a topo map and told me that was where I was conceived. Apparently I came about during a backpacking trip…
Valentine’s Day and my mother’s birthday. Which was it? I’ve given up caring. I’m not sure even my parents know.
WE ARE LEGION.
I am also November! I think fertility drugs were the main cause in my case, but Valentine’s Day may well have played a part as well.
Fist bump of Novemberite solidarity! I’m gonna eat pizza and watch Jessica Jones, but I’ll gesture heavenward occasionally as a toast to your bday!
Happy birthday, my new friend!
A suitable hugging/gratitude gif could not be found, but assume one is here in spirit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY-IN-ADVANCE, BIRTHDAY TWIN
BIRTHDAY TWIN
Happy birthday (tomorrow)!!
Happy birthday bhnh! Your handle does not fit you very well IMHO.
How dare you doubt the bigness of the hair or the lack of the heart? I will assure you, my hair is an unassailable fortress of spite and elnett, and my enemies lie ruined and scattered in my heartless wake.
oooh, happy pre-birthday!
Dear Toast parents, some help please? For the holidays, I want my toddler to look as if someone loves him, and not like a Dickensian waif, so I tried to cut his hair. He was Not Pleased, and we both had to take a breather for intensive recovery measures (jelly toast, lightly sprinkled with the finest cobweb-blond hair-trimmings). To forge on, or go for professional assistance?
Are you telling me that toddlers cannot cut their own hair? Geeze, what CAN they do?
They can object strenuously. That is their superpower. The advantage of being some 15 times his body weight is nothing against the power of his indignation.
Oh, wait , I’m only 7 times his body weight. That explains it, then.
I don’t know if you’re in the U.S. but there are some haircutteries here that are actually specifically aimed at children. I do not know their costs but depending on your financial situation, it might be worth it to have people who are trained to deal with toddlers in a haircut situation take care of this for you.
I would take him to a professional kid-hair-cutting place, but if he’s super anxious about it, maybe let it go for awhile? Some kids don’t like hair cuts 🙁
(Is it terrible that it cracks me up that in your attempt to un-waif him he now has jacked-up partially cut hair? Because that is just hilarious to me……)
(p.s. make sure you take pictures!)
Cracking up is acceptable. My husband was visibly restraining himself from being all, “Infirm of purpose! Give me the scissors!”
I cannot WAIT until this child is old enough for moral suasion/bribery. I am only lucky he has decided tooth brushing is the best thing ever (at least half of the time.)
I surreptitiously trim my son’s hair while he is watching cartoons, secreting the clippings in my hand.
But he has curly hair that does not show unevenness too much.
Yup, I use Netflix or a favourite food to distract from haircuts and they turn out well (it takes a long time to do the whole head though, and sometimes has to be done over a couple of weekend meals).
My mom always used scotch tape: put the tape along where you want the edge of the hair to be, and then cut off the tape. All the hair is held in place, even if the kid wriggles and you have to stop cutting in mid-stream, and it’s the easiest cleanup in the world b/c the hair is stuck on the tape. /2¢
My vote is for professional assistance. My toddler HATED her one and only hair cut so far, but since we were at the kid’s hair cutting place they were unfazed by her wails and just cut her hair while she cried with her face buried in my chest. You could also try having your husband cut his hair while you hold him if you want. We use TV as a distraction for finger nail cutting, but even though we were at the Cartoon Cuts for some reason having her hair cut was so terrible that even the magical glowing box could not make it better.
I read that as “Dickensian wolf” and was like, “why mess with perfection??” but then I re-read. For whatever it is worth, I would regard any toddler so coiffed as being reasonably well-loved but also a toddler, whom I would fear to get too close to with scissors.
My two year old is basically feral, so nail trimming is often fraught. As is changing clothes or diaper or the channel or expression, etc. That said, distraction is good but on rare occasions when she is having a well-rested, curious, verbal day, we can make a game of it. But professional help might be much less traumatic for you. It would be cool to find out if he is protesting just because or if he is legit worried about the procedure.
Australian Toasts! I will be visiting Perth for three weeks over the Christmas holidays (assuming my hilariously convoluted five-airport itinerary eventually deposits me there). Recommendations for things to do? Wineries and beaches are the list so far.
Let me see if I can remember our entire itinerary, because it was all awesome. We only had a few days, so I’m jealous of all the extra time you have. King’s Park in Perth is lovely. Other recommendations: the ferry ride to Fremantle and Fremantle itself (although I don’t remember what specifically we did there, except the maritime museum), Rottnest Island (expensive, but we had a fantastic day riding bikes around the island, stopping here and there to snorkel and take photos of quokkas), the 8-flavour tasting plate at Miller’s Ice Cream on the way to Margaret River, sunset at Cape Leeuwin (although, I think it was officially closed by then), Gnomesville!. We also went to Perth Zoo, because it’s the only place in the world you can see a numbat. Have fun!
Thank you! Rottnest Island sounds like a wonderful day trip and clearly Gnomesville and numbats must be added to the itinerary.
Created an account because OMG, no one ever cares about Perth, this is so exciting!
All of Beckie’s suggestions are great. Beaches to go to: Cottesloe (famous), Scarborough, Trigg. Wineries: If you are staying around the city, head out to the Swan Valley. 45mins(?) from the city, wineries, breweries, cheese, a coffee place, chocolate place, ice-cream place, restaurants, other stuff. Since you have more time, the south-west is winery central. Margaret River & Busselton (~3 hrs away) are gorgeous. You could also head to Albany (~5 hrs away) because it is a cool place with nifty natural scenery.
Perth city has some sites to see and perhaps laugh at, including the Bell Tower, all of the Elizabeth Quay development (which my husband thinks will be rad but I harrumph at because it has effed up the city), some of the public art that makes people mad.
Fremantle (Freo!) is great and there are other good suburbs to visit, including Mount Lawley (coffee & cool shops), Subiaco (coffee and… cool shops…) and South Perth (coffeeandcoolshops). The river gives you lots of nice foreshore places: Point Walter, Applecross, South Perth, Maylands. If you want to take a train trip to a suburban hub you can go north (Joondalup) or south (Mandurah) and potter around.
On thing we took friends to do once was a speedboat trip around the city. Cost a lot, got soaked but it was fun as all heck.
Final suggestion: Our theme park, Adventure World. Cool waterslides! It will be VERY hot so water activities should be high on your list.
Enjoy! And thanks for contributing to our economy. Since the mining boom came off, we need it.
I’ll be staying with friends in near Hyde Park in Perth but we’ll be making lots of expeditions out and around so I’ll check out as many of your suggestions as possible – wine, coffee, shops and ice cream are all thumbs-up with me, thank you!
One friend has been bombarding me with photos of the jacarandas in bloom, your city is absolutely stunning and I can’t wait to see it (am already stocking up on SPF1000 sunscreen).
Greetings! I don’t live in Perth but travelled there a few years ago. All suggestions above are excellent!
If you aren’t accustomed to the bright sunlight and strong UV rays, keep up the regular application of SPF1000+ sunscreen and don’t stint on coverage. So many visitors sadly underestimate how easy it is to get bad sunburn and it’s a truly miserable experience. And, sunglasses are a must too.
I hope you have a fantastic time.
Thank you! I am pretty fair so plan to slather sunscreen continuously in the hopes of avoiding horrible
burns. Great user name btw!
Hey, friends! I’d like to thank The Toast for the coverage of National Adoption Month, which has led me down a rabbit hole of adoption blogs written by adoptees. My girlfriend has an adopted daughter and I worry about the effect it all has on her (not only is she adopted, but her parents are a divorced lesbian couple). After reading some of adoptees’ perspectives, things are feeling kind of hopeless. Although she’s a spunky kid, she’s very sensitive too. There could be a lot she’s not telling us about how she feels.
There are plenty of us who had absolutely horrendous biological parents, you know, and you can find our stories around too if you look. Understanding where she’s coming from as an adoptee is great, but please don’t let the horror stories scare you into thinking she is doooooomed. As for having lesbian parents, you know the research all shows that same-sex couples, especially pairs of women, do a better job of raising their offspring and spend more time with them?
Yeah, it could she’s in that camp. Not going to get into detail here, but my girlfriend used to try to facilitate communication between her and her bio family and her daughter wasn’t interested. But she also seems to have a deep need to please, which adoptee blogs say can come from the trauma of the ruptured attachment.
Thanks for the gentle reminder we aren’t bad parents just for being lesbians… lived my whole life in red states, somehow still get sucked into the propaganda sometimes. I just don’t want her to be teased…
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
I would be slightly more concerned about the “divorced” part than the “lesbian” part, personally. I think divorce is often really stressful for kids across the board, regardless of if the parents are an opposite-sex or same-sex couple.
Speaking as an adopted kid, I feel like one of the reasons that I’ve never really had any emotional angst about it is that my parents were really open about it and always talked about the adoption an act of love from my biological mother to 2 strangers who wanted a baby. Bio mom didn’t abandon me – she made a tough choice to give her baby a better life.
This is my experience as an adopted kid too. Some rotten kid in my 5th grade tried to put me down by telling me my “real” parents didn’t love me and that’s why they got rid of me … luckily that was such a foreign concept to me that I told him right the fuck off.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Sounds like your adoptive family found a great way to frame it without reducing the complexity. I’ve often thought open adoption seemed like an easier road for the adoptee, but I’m sure everyone’s different.
My GF’s daughter’s adoption was open– she was 3 when she was adopted, so she remembers her bio family and has the option to be in contact with them if she wants.
Agh, we’re doing spreadsheet database stuff at work this week. Which is great, and will help us organize a lot of things much better (one of our vendors overhauled their entire pricing catalog, so all of our item information is out of date), but I can only live in Excel for so long before written language loses all meaning (it doesn’t help that Excel keeps defaulting to 11-pt font). And people keep calling the store, which means I have to wrench myself out of Excel-headspace, deal with whatever crisis is happening, then get back into spreadsheet mode for however long I have before the next crisis arises.
I’m old and boring, please send help.
I love spreadsheets. May I help?
I theoretically love spreadsheets. I just have to remember to make everything bigger and more spaced out, otherwise I get some sort of visual equivalent of semantic satiation going on.
Also, I think the real issue is the new price catalog. It’s much simpler, but involves adding new things, and marking others as inactive, and it’s a pain.
Hello it is my last day of work! I am slacking off, despite having a bunch of things to wrap up. Coworkers are taking me out for fancy drinks this afternoon and then I am DONE and I will have survived this hellish 8 weeks of knowing my job was ending.
Tomorrow I am being flown to another city for what will probably be the next job, if I don’t get scared off by whatever I encounter in this other city. The job is more money and a much better title and I think I’m excited? I was REALLY excited about a few weeks of unemployment, though, so falling right into another job is a little exhausting.
Any suggestions for what to do in Atlanta, if I have any free time in the 18 hours I’ll be there?
Forwarded this request to a friend of mine from ATL; she replied (and I quote): “TELL ‘EM TO HIT UP THE STRIP CLUBS”. So…take that under consideration?
Ugh, you guys. My mom has a history of getting Alarmed and the Paris attacks have gotten her all worked up. She’s pretty sure both my sister and I are going to die. Because we both work in government buildings. I live in the midwest! Anyone else have alarmist parents? Or any good coping strategies to share?
My mom finally asked a doc if her daughter (me) was completely wrong all these years, asking her to get treatment for anxiety. Fast forward to result: She’s now on a low dose of fluoxetine and it’s dawning on her what she’s been missing, mental heath-wise.
Good luck, Toastfriend.
Oh my gosh the dream does come true.
I work at Planned Parenthood, and my mom is SURE that someone’s going to light my car on fire in the parking lot any day now. I interact with protesters pretty infrequently, but I have to hide all of my facebook posts that come even close to mentioning the topic from her.
Yes, and I don’t have a lot of strategies, except for using NonDefensive Responses a whoooole lot. Example: I’m sorry you feel that way. Or: I hear you, and I understand where you are coming from, but we will have to agree to disagree. How about we talk about other things?
(I got this strategy from reading a lot of Captain Awkward and a book called Toxic Parents.)
Oh yeah, my life improved considerably when I found Captain Awkward.
My mother insists on calling my husband to ask if I am ok. While I am at work. Which is weird. (My husband and I do not work in the same place.)
I don’t have coping strategies, but this reminds me of several people in northern Ohio in the early 2000s who insisted Toledo, OH was the intended target of Flight 93 on 9/11, and were forever paranoid and panicky as a result.
Hahaha my mom actually pulled us out of high school on 9/11 because she was sure our town would be a target. We lived in aa tiny town so rural kids drove their tractors to prom.
i wish I had coping strategies for you! This is absolutely my mom. My sisters and I do a combo of not telling her everything + making sure she hears from at least one of us everyday. This happens not by any planning, but just a tacit understanding to not let a day go by where she doesn’t hear from us because her assumption is that we are dead in a ditch if we don’t pick up the phone.
Yes.
What a brilliant marketing move. I mean, who wouldn’t want that frame?
When Fury Road was in theaters, a consignment store near me put signs in their windows that I should have taken pictures of, because I don’t remember what they said except it was something about buying stuff there so your life could be shiny and chrome and it made me happier than almost anything else.
I wouldn’t even change the photo once I bought it…
WHAT STORE IS THIS
This is just an occasional reminder that there is FB group for Toast fans in Chicago, called, appropriately, “The Toast – Chicago.” We are small, but mighty, and we’d love to add you to our ranks!
Ah I don’t know how I’ve missed this! Request sent.
i’m going to make a facebook just to join this group, aren’t i?
I have an urgent question, Toasties: Are you familiar with the snack called ‘Combos’? I don’t know why I thought of this (maybe talking about canned cranberry sauce as something you’d only like if you grew up with it) but as a kid growing up on the West Coast, I NEVER ate Combos (even though I ate plenty of other disgusting snacks) and I don’t think I even knew they existed?? But then when I moved to Pittsburgh, it seems like Combos are sold everywhere, in a whole terrifying rainbow of flavors and many people seem to be very familiar with them.
So I guess my question is, did I just somehow blank out an entire brand of snacks as a child, or are Combos really much rarer on the west coast that elsewhere in the US? Googling this seemed to return mixed results, with a few West Coasters mentioning that they had never heard of Combos, but also people saying they are distributed nationally…
Nearly lifelong denizen of Maryland here, and I have heard and enjoyed Combos many times because if there is anything that gets me, it’s savory, carby crunchy foodsnacks.
I am shocked to learn that people don’t know Combos! I’m from New Jersey and now live in New York, and Combos are like, the best road trip snack! The pizza ones are awesome, but the seven-layer dip ones are AMAZING.
I look forward to Road Combos almost as much as the destination of any given road trip. The classic cheese cracker are my favorite. I may occasionally chew off the cracker to isolate the delicious little cheese tube unit.
YES ROAD COMBOS. I never, ever eat them at any other time. I like the zesty cheese pretzel, myself. You know, because the crazy salty snack needs little granules of salt coating the outside.
Cheese pretzel combos or no combos at all!
Growing up on the great plains, I definitely knew of Combos, but I had only had the pizza ones, which are gross and not for human consumption. Hadn’t had a combo since.
Fast-forward 15 years to this summer. My husband went into the convenience store in McKenna, WA, looking for cheese Ritz Bitz to sustain me on the long drive home. To my horror, he returned with cheese-pretzel Combos. Obviously, this was not a valid substitution and I was mad and unwilling to eat them, because 15 years ago, pizza combos were gross and I am a toddler when it comes to food choices.
He told me to just try one and if i didn’t like it, I didn’t have to eat it.
How wrong I was. They had me at the first bite. Cheese-pretzel combos are perfect and should never change.
1000000% agreed.
that is the best way to eat them. Mmmmm cheese tube unit.
i love that this is a judgment-free zone about cheese tube eating 🙂
I’m so relieved to learn that I’m not the only one who does this. The mess it makes (with the pretzel version, anyway) is so great that I always feel extra shame when the bag is gone.
I bite down very carefully on the outside, so that most, but not all, of the pretzel part comes away. Then you have a very thin layer of delicious pretzel, but mostly glorious cheese tube unit.
I have a lot of snack food processes. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
This is the one and only correct way to eat combos.
Also, pepperoni pizza combos forever.
You gotta get that cheese tube!!
West-coaster and never heard of them.
I’m so sorry.
I lived in the Midwest for eighteen years and definitely had Combos. But I wouldn’t say they were popular, per se? Available but not maybe in as many flavours.
Yup – Combos were definitely a thing in RI. I never liked them much, because I was Very Opposed to pretzels until a few years ago.
Grew up in the southwest, live in CA, never heard of those things before today. They are… Like pizza bites in a bag???
Another California person here who’s never heard of them until this moment . . . and is now strangely intrigued.
Philly native here, and Combos are both familiar and gross.
LOVE COMBOS. Haven’t had them in years, but the pretzel/cheese ones were possibly my favorite junk food snack as a kid (in the US Midwest). I have also encountered them in various places on the East Coast.
Upstate NY and I’m familiar with a couple of flavors of Combos but not that many. I think I’ve only had cheese/pretzel and pizza/pretzel. My dad loves them and gets mad if you eat his.
The Combo presence is strong in Wisconsin/Minnesota gas stations. Best flavor is pizza for sure.
Memories of eating Combos at the municipal swimming pool, circa 1987-88, in greater Chicagoland.
I grew up (in the 90s) eating cheese combos, which are trashy and I love them. My partner is from Seattle and disparages me for eating them– so he clearly didn’t grow up eating them, but he didn’t mention that he didn’t *know* about them… I’ll ask
Grew up eating these allll the time, Staten Island girl woot woot. Must eat the pretzel part first then enjoy the cheese center separately.
I live on the West Coast and am absolutely aware of the existence of these miraculous human dog biscuits.
Hooooo boy does that bring me back. I grew up in small town midwest and ate Combos on the bus to many, many extracurricular events. They were disgusting, but also satisfying in that salty way that made you keep eating anyway.
I LOVE Combos. One of my favorite road trip snacks growing up, and I’ll still impulse-buy a pack or two at a gas station or bodega if I know I’ll be partying (and therefore will inevitably get the munchies) that night.
Any knitting board/loom people here? I am thinking of trying it. I want a fancy scarf and in regular knitting I can only knit, not purl (I’ve tried!), which very much limits my options.
Loom knitting looks easy-ish? Is it fun?
I couldn’t get the hang of needles at all, so I bought a little rectangular loom and I love it! It saves your place while you get up to reheat your tea, is definitely both easy and fun, and seems–though I never got beyond making washcloths, really–like you can potentially do a ton of creative things with it. I wanted to make wrist-warmers but they didn’t translate well to the rectangle, but that’s my only complaint.
See, awesome! I’m so excited somebody with experience answered. I have to go the non-fancy Joanne craft store in the suburbs to get a loom, but now I can’t wait.
I’ve seen those wrist-warmers – I think you knit them *around* the rectangle? Or that’s what youtube says. First I shall make a rectangle, for sure.
I have a set of round looms that I got for not much money that worked well with fingerless gloves – I think you can get sets that include a rectangular one too? If that’s a possibility?
have you looked on ravelry? there are a lot of things you can do with garter stitch if you buy the fancy yarn or mix colors.
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/noro-scar… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/blue-bell… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/5th-avenu… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/simple-sp… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/basalt-2 http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/another-w… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/just-one-… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/gulf-of-m… http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/fernweh-2
Thanks for the links! These are definitely fancy. I just came from the hoitiest of hoity-toity yarn stores, where I didn’t buy anything but they were very nice? I will go back there if I decide to go the garter-stitch route, for sure. Which I may. My dad might need a sports-ball-team scarf in stripes……….
Wow, a person could spend a lot of time on ravelry, I see.
um, yeah, i’m still browsing over there….(sorry not sorry) 🙂
Feel free to ignore me trying to solve the purling problem, rather than answering the question you asked, but have you tried different ways of purling? Like, if you hold the yarn in your left hand, you could try holding it in your right hand. There are videos of a bunch of different ways to purl here. Or you could try knitting backwards, which gives the same result as purling. It took me a looong time to realise that there were different styles of knitting and I was using one that was harder for me.
I’ve just started season 2 of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (behind the times, I know) and YOU GUYS this is the most sexually frustrating show I’ve ever watched. I should have heeded The Toast’s warnings on that front.
Also, thanks to Mallory I now mutter “octagon of cheekbones and sadness” every time Jck makes a particularly pathetic sad puppy face.
I am right there with you and you are on the nose: of all the media (written and not) I have consumed in my relatively short life, this is the MOST sexually frustrating story I have EVER gone through. The end of each episode has me writhing in actual pain from frustration it’s kilLING ME
I mean, I know many TV shows thrive on extended sexual tension between main characters but this is just EXCESSIVE.
it NEVER STOPS. they just keep gazing longingly at each other over cocktails and looking like they’re juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust about to kiss right before the final iris wipe. i HATE these assholes with their beautiful clothes and their sexual tension. 10 more seasons, please.
It’s the goddamn worst and I love it.
Apparently she has a lot of sex in the books?
Per my mother: The tv show leaves out all of the interesting parts of the books — sex, politics, and lesbians.
She has a lot of sex on the show too (and there are lesbians, although maybe not so much politics?), just not with the person I want her to.
Ah ha! I’ve not read the books or watched the show, so all of my knowledge and opinions are second-hand.
Oh shit, it just occurred to me that my mother only watches the show on PBS, and I bet she doesn’t have as much sex on PBS!
Those PBS viewers are missing out!
I honestly think it will help if you read some fanfic. I know it helps me.
Seriously though. I’ve been avoiding it so far for fear of spoilers since I haven’t finished the show, but I may just have to accept that risk and go for it.
This week I made a twitterbot for NHL goal horns. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK. RIYL: honks.
I feel like goal horns are one of those things where your own team’s horn sounds “correct” and everyone else’s sounds wrong. Which is to say, of course, that the Bruins goal horn is objectively correct.
Does anyone else not have Thanksgiving plans? Or other Thanksgiving-related woes they want to vent?
Putting my venting in a reply because I suspect it may get longwinded.
Myself, I mentioned before in one of the open threads that my mother had sent a long angry email about how I never spent the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, with a particular focus on Christmas) with them, which is patently untrue. But it also didn’t actually ever ask me what my Thanksgiving plans were or even invite me over, so I figured I would give it some time so that: a) I could try to see if I could make other plans because I don’t get along well with my family and this email made me especially worried about how things would go if I went, and b) maybe my mother might actually invite me in a way that I could respond to safely.
Unfortunately, all I got were two text messages on Monday while I was at work (where I’m not allowed my phone). The first pretty much just said she assumed I had other plans and the second was messed up and hurtful on a level where after I sent it to my fiance so he could read it, he forwarded it to his mother across the country so she could call me and see how I was doing. (Which is not a routine occurrence by any means.)
I didn’t know how to possibly respond to that without telling her how terrible it was (and knowing that she would put the blame on me reacting wrong rather than her being cruel), so I didn’t. The next day (Tuesday), my father sends me a message that says, “Shame on you. Your mother invited your over for Thanksgiving. The least you could do is respond.”
So I forwarded him my mother’s messages to me from the day before and said that was all I had gotten about Thanksgiving and it didn’t seem like an invitation to me, so if it was, it was a pretty hurtful way to say, “Hey, want to come over?”
Anyway, long story short: After a few rounds of text messages (because I wasn’t going to initiate a phone call; I’ve learned better), they concluded that: The first message about how she assumes I’ve got other plans was the invitation and I should not have factored the second message in at all, because the first was sent earlier in the day. (Despite them knowing I don’t have access to my phone until I leave work and would see both at the same time.) And also that it’s a fault of the fact that it was in email/text messages, because tone can be misconstrued. (There was no way to misconstrue the things she said. There was no positive way to read them.) No apology. So I said that it hadn’t felt like an invitation but like she had been telling me that I should make other plans. End conversation.
Until this morning when I get a short email from my mother about how they’re looking forward to seeing me.
As of right now, I don’t have other plans. All of my fiance’s family/extended family isn’t available. (Mother across country, father currently serving time, aunts and uncles already have various out-of-town plans.)
So I just need to figure out what I’m doing and how to deal with all of this.
That sounds really messed up, and I’m sorry that your family thinks it’s OK to treat you this way.
If you’re in the eastern Iowa area, you’re welcome at my house for dinner.
Thanks 🙂
That sounds really messed up, and I’m sorry that your family thinks it’s OK to treat you this way.
That really helps to hear, ’cause it validates the idea that maybe I’m not just overreacting and they’re somehow being normal(ish).
Nah, bb, that is not even close to normal(ish) and honestly I feel like you could be said to be under-reacting.
no no no none of this is normal or okay. i have to give someone here credit, the fact that both your parents can present a united front of abusive bullying behavior is impressive. but my heart goes out to you, because you don’t have one parent here who is a voice of reason.
i applaud you for trying to talk to your dad about your mom. the sad thing is, though, if this is characteristic of your mother [and father?] she has probably been forcing your boundaries in many ways at every turn [maybe with father’s support?].
if you don’t feel like your mother is a safe person for you, it’s probably because she’s not. it’s entirely ok to respond with terse declarations of boundaries when you get communications like that. it wasn’t an invitation if you didn’t get a clear invitation. and even if it was, a bullying invitation is okay to turn down. you don’t owe anyone your time when they merely assume it because you say you don’t have other plans. but here’s the kicker: you never actually have to tell them anything about yourself, especially if they use it against you like this. you don’t have to have your partner’s family plans to excuse you.
luckily i don’t have parents like this, but i do have exes and ex friends with whom i had to become very vague about everything. because they were always looking for a way to take what i said and mess with it, so i had to start giving nothing, vagaries, everything’s great, oh just working, oh it’s busy you know, same old… talk about your pets or work briefly and then excuse yourself if you must.
it depends where you are in your abilities to say no to them, but it is okay to say “i’m sorry but i’m just not comfortable coming to thanksgiving after this exchange.” however, if you know that will blow things up, simply say “i have other plans, have a wonderful holiday!” and don’t answer anything that comes after it.
I am sorry your parents are being trashcan fires. I hate the holidays for this reason.
Ugh, I’m so sorry that your mom is behaving badly and your dad is enabling her bad behavior. Even if you don’t have other plans you’re not obligated to spend the holiday with anyone who treats you like that.
If you’re anywhere near SE Michigan you and your fiance are welcome to come celebrate with me.
That invite goes for all other toasties as well!
Ugh, I’m so sorry that your mom is behaving badly and your dad is enabling her bad behavior.
That’s . . . pretty much my family in a nutshell. Yup.
When my fiance’s mother called, at one point she asked what my father thought of all this and I opened my mouth to answer, but ended up just giving her a few seconds of stunned silence before saying anything because of how hard the answer to that question hit me this time: “I’ll never know. My father will always think what my mother tells him he thinks.”
I don’t have plans right now and I think I’m pretty determined not to spend the day with them, but it would sure be easier to find a way to tell them that if I had a really good concrete excuse. Sadly, I’m nowhere near Michigan 🙂
(Whatever happens, I’m about 95% sure I’m setting myself up for another huge round of me being told that I clearly don’t want to be in the family anymore and I clearly don’t care how much pain I’m causing them by cutting myself out of their lives.)
(I’m starting to wish Thanksgiving and Christmas weren’t so close together, because I’m not looking forward to Round Two in a month.)
Is there a good concrete excuse that would let you off the hook? If so, use it whether or not it’s true!! I’m guessing there isn’t a reason you can give them that won’t result in anger/guilt trips.
The whole holiday season is a gauntlet. (My parents are a lot like your but maybe a touch less terrible.) I’m very much looking forward to being done with it. Last year I had a chill NYE with people I actually like then spent a lot of January just on self-care to recover. I told myself I could start the new year with a clean slate in February instead!
If you don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with them, I would just tell them: “I can’t come because I don’t feel well.” It will be true, because their behavior is making you sad, i.e. is making you feel unwell.
And that is really all the explanation they deserve to get.
Sometimes when emotions become physical symptoms (and also sometimes when we draw the line, finally, with people who treat us badly), the people receive the message that this is serious, this time. No guarantees, but it happens. And if it doesn’t, you’re still saved going over there after this super-bad communication going down.
^^ this is so true. if you think anything you say will just incite further gaslighting, do this general avoid thing. i honestly can’t believe some parents do this to their kids, it is so so so wrong.
I am Not Diagnosing, but you might find helpful resources for dealing with narcissistic parents. Even if the descriptions of specific behaviors don’t resonate, there’s good advice out there for setting boundaries and holding them with difficult people.
Ugh, that’s terrible. At this point, I would be leaning toward a scorched-earth, say-everything-you’re-feeling approach – “Hi mom, you’re being extremely hurtful and basically an asshole, and I’m not going to engage,” “Hi dad, if mom wants to talk to me, she can be an adult about it and not be straight-up cruel,” etc. It kind of seems like it couldn’t possibly get worse, so you might as well stop trying to interact with them as rational adults? But that’s also so hard to deal with, especially with parents, and especially around the holidays. (And I really don’t want to be like, cut off all contact! They’re garbage! because you’re the only one who knows you & your relationships. I just want to say that if you did decide to do that, I would totally be in your corner).
Thanks 🙂
There have been times I’ve been very tempted to pull a scorched earth approach to some of the things they pulled. As it is, I think I’m pulling a slightly gentler version of that and making a firm decision not to be there.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. If you are anywhere near MT, you are most cordially welcome to the friends/family Thanksgiving that I’m going to.
I have a family obligation early in the day, but am actually looking forward to doing a solo celebration for the afternoon/evening with just me and the dogs. I’m gonna cook something yummy and too ambitious to fit into a normal evening and drink bubbly and pick some movie or tv show that will put me in a good mood. Maybe you could figure out your perfect version of solo Thanksgiving celebration? Just tell your parents you have plans this year and sometime down the line have a conversation about how you’d really appreciate clearer invitations and less guilting/insults, if you think it would help.
Wow, I’m super sorry to hear all that, and feeling confused and sad and hurt about it is entirely understandable. There’s no easy solution for that, but I’m glad to hear your fiance and his mom are there for support. I hope that whatever you end up doing for Thanksgiving, you can take the rest of the weekend for mental recuperation and just doing you!
Sending you internet hugs. It sounds like our parents use the same tactics. I would say enjoy your day with yourself or other people who aren’t shaming and manipulative and allow yourself not to think about what your parents are feeling, because it is their problem.
I’m so sorry your family is being awful.
A few thoughts: one, it is completely okay to respond to your mom’s email with “sorry, have made plans already” even if those plans are no more concrete than “being literally anywhere else right now.”
I’m on my phone so can’t link, but Captain Awkward had a post this year about families who put awful holiday-related pressure on each other, and how much it sucks. I’m splitting this into two ideas — if either sounds like something that you would like, then I hope this is helpful as you think through what you want to do.
Being Around People on Thursday: if it would make you feel good to have some kind of meal with other people, then you can try do that. If you have coworkers who live near you and are not jerks, friendly acquaintances, or other people who are not necessarily friends but “nice people who I could socialize with for a few hours,” then maybe consider doing that. (Or at least telling your parents that’s what’s happening.) (If you’re in DC, I’m going out to a restaurant this year with friends and you’re welcome to join us!) I know there are also sometimes groups that do volunteer work on Thanksgiving, and that might be a place to be around people if that’s what you want.
Being By Yourself: I spent Thanksgiving alone once, a few years ago. I drank wine, ate steak, watched movies, and played all the show times I wanted. It was sort of nice to have a day of All Sorts of Nice Things I Like.
If you go that route, maybe your boyfriend/his folks would like to give you a call in the morning/after dinner to say hi.
Toast hugs.
I’m so sorry that is happening to you. It sounds like a painful and herky-jerky situation. I wish they would treat you with more care, but I know that it isn’t something that always happens.
As far me, my bio family is really complicated, so I decided not to spend the money/emotional resources to go visit them, especially since they also live quite far from me here in Texas.
To compound the complications, I’m (almost) divorced from my husband, whom I was with in some capacity for almost the past 6 years. We always went to his family’s, so I won’t have a big shindig to attend for the first time in quite some time.
I’m actually pretty happy about this because they were really stressful to me as a gregarious introvert from really different (read: far lower) class background than his fairly bourgeois family (not knocking them, they were just really different and sometimes insensitive).
My plans are to now do something small with my human housecat romantic partner/roommate from an equally complicated background, call my long-distance partner (I’m poly), then go to see my family of choice (i.e. friends) around pie time. I’m also going to watch TV I want, get ready to Christmas decorate (maybe even start that night) and all sorts of other things I want to do that my ex wouldn’t have wanted to do.
I think I might have some feels from time to time, but I think it’s mostly going to be freeing. ADVICE WARNING: I think it might help to really focus on things that you might not have gotten to do before due to family, and also things that will make you feel warn and thankful.
Oh wow. Please don’t go. I’ve spent Christmas (which is a more important, family-centric holiday to me than Thanksgiving) by myself a couple years because visiting my mother isn’t a safe space for me either, and honestly I love spending a holiday here and there by myself. I bake, watch movies, drink, holiday-song underwear dance party, a long walk, etc.
It’s a little last minute, but if you think you’d feel worse being on your own, there are probably still some volunteer opportunities near you! I’ve done soup kitchens on Thanksgiving and it’s fun and rewarding.
Seriously, best of luck, because your family is – to borrow a Captain Awkward (who wrote an EXCELLENT Tgiv post a couple days ago) phrase – “full of bees.”
That is abominable communication on your mother’s part and a gross summary by your father (“same on you”???? SHUT UP, DUDE) surrounded by a host of unreasonable expectations. your time is your own. Holidays are an opportunity to come together with loved ones and be celebratory blahblahfuncakes but set in stone expectation is absurd. You’re mom is being ridiculous. i am sure it is because she has some deep-seated trigger about holidays, and that if you guys could unravel to that level, there would be some good resolution with regard to expectation and hope, but her manner of dealing with it is unacceptable. If she wants you to come for holidays, she needs to find a way that is a clear invitation, in advance, not some passive aggressive bullying while you are unable to respond.
You are allowed to sit home and order pizza for Thanksgiving if you want. You can cook your own ten course meal and eat it by yourself or with whatever randos you meet at the grocery store while prepping. You are obligated to no one, except maybe to your fiance if that is how the two of you roll. Do what you want. Do what is healthy for you. I will add my invitation to the other Toasties – if you’re near Austin, we will sure as heck feed you up in damn pleasant company with excellent booze.
If you feel able, maybe opening up a dialogue outside of holiday season and saying, “We seem to miss the mark here; do you want to tell me what your hopes and ideals re: holidays are? Can I explain to you what would work for me?” But don’t feel obligated – you don’t have to just take irrational abuse simply because she is your mom. You get to be happy, too.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds massively stressful and heart-wrenching.
Argh, I’m going to be alone, in England on Thanksgiving this year. I’m not really looking forward to it, but my plan is to keep busy all day. I’ll roast a chicken with some kind of spice rub I’ve always wanted to try from Gourmet or Bon Appetit magazines. Ditto for side dishes that have always sounded interesting, but I didn’t want to be that person who fucks up thanksgiving with a crap cornbread stuffing, y’know? Also, I will be drinking a lot of wine, Skype with my mom, and watching a stream of the dog show. :/
I’ve spent some Thanksgivings away from home in the US and two now abroad. The ones alone in the US were much, much worse. It may feel different for you, but for me being in a country where it was just a regular work/school day made it much easier to handle. Being alone with nothing to do when the rest of your family is together and seemingly everyone else in the country is with loved ones: terrible. Being at work, doing what you would normally do on any other Thursday in a country where no one even thinks about the day being a holiday: surprisingly bearable.
Ugh I have no plans and am mostly okay with it. I was going to do friendsgiving but had an extremely weird and unanticipated falling out (mentioned in a links roundup a few weeks ago) with the friends in question. It’s okay but I am a little sad about the situation as a whole. I really can’t wait for the new year.
My non-plans are: I’m scheduled mon-sat.
My woes are: my thursday shift is from midnight wed to 3am thurs. But none of the managers are scheduled past 1am, so that’s not going happen meaning I have no idea what my schedule actually looks like.
Oh, honey.
I watched Birdman last night because it seemed like everyone had an opinion on it so it was a movie I should see and my opinion is a big, fat “meh.” The Emma Stone character was such a tried stereotype. I can see where some people would like the directing stye but it felt kine of gimmicky and distracting for me. I’d watch a movie about the bitchy theatre critic played by the woman from Rome though.
I thought it was fairly enjoyable (the one-long-shot thing really worked for me, as a technique), but I kept wanting to yank Emma Stone’s character back from the edge of the roof and yell at her about basic personal safety.
I wanted to yell at her about being too hot to bone washed up middle aged dudes even more than I wanted to yell at her about the roof
Yeah, the way they mixed that unique visual directing style with jazz definitely hit me as something a lot of viewers would love, I’m just in the category of viewers who cares more about characters and plot and appreciates style when it’s adding something to the story – and I just didn’t care enough about the characters and plot in this one for the stylistic flourishes to add anything.
I was so ready to like Birdman but I couldn’t buy into it’s weird self-important condescending tone. The direction and cinematography was cool but it just wasn’t enjoyable to watch. I almost walked out halfway through, I was so disappointed.
This thread is the highlight of what has been a pretty crappy week. It culminated in me spilling my Trader Joe’s paneer tikka masala all over myself and the floor in front of my office. It is, of course, the food that looks most like vomit when spilled on your shirt and pants, and also the most fragrant food ever. Everything is awful.
However, my friends have asked me to officiate at their wedding! It’s half a year away but I’m already nervous/excited. They’re getting married in our college town, so I’m also psyched to drive out there by myself, see my few remaining friends who haven’t graduated, etc. Has anyone ever officiated at a wedding? I’m kind of terrified, I want to do a good job!
BOO for shitty weeks and food-spilling. Hurray for the friends!
OOh! I just got online ordained so that I can officiate my friend’s wedding! Sadly, she has already told me I may not do the service in rhymed couplets.
A sample:
God bless us and let use our imagination,
Wish them good luck, and happy consummation.
THAT’S BRILLIANT, WHY WON’T SHE LET YOU USE THAT.
I do fully intend to open the service with “Queerly beloved,” but they are actively encouraging me to do so which almost takes the fun out of it, a little.
The friend who introduced Mr Thuja and I got online ordained and officiated our wedding. Since it was MT, he reference the wedding license as if it were a hunting license and since he was who he was, he also managed to somehow work something about iPhones in the ceremony. It was great. Then we had a pirate themed reception where we played boardgames and Rock Band.
I officiated my best friend’s wedding! It was awesome. There is a good article on the hairpin about how to be a wedding officiant, but I would also recommend:
-make sure you have extra copies of everyone’s readings/poems/interpretive dance/etc — just in case
-practice the ceremony **in the clothes and shoes you are planning to wear** (cannot stress this enough)
-you don’t need to memorize the ceremony word for word, but you need to know it well enough that you can improvise, say, half a sentence if you lose your place
-be prepared for things to go wrong, it’s okay to laugh and make a quick joke unless you are doing like, Super Solemn No Smiles Wedding (check with the bride(s)/groom(s) about what kind of “tone” they want the ceremony to have)
-make sure everyone who is doing a reading knows their cues and where they are supposed to stand (and be very direct: “When I say [xyz], that’s your cue to stand up and come to the front. I will hand you the microphone, when you’re done, you hand it back to me.”)
-if you don’t do a lot of public speaking, you should practice — repeatedly — in front of an audience, until you start to feel natural and comfortable
-once you’re done, go straight to the bar (hopefully it’s an open bar).
You will be great. Good luck!
I have officiated a wedding before. It was a lot of fun, and incredibly, incredibly stressful, and I messed up some, and they messed up some, but they’re married, so…it all works out. You’re going to do great! Carry a script in a nice-looking book; that’s all the priest is doing and it lets them cheat and read off a card, plus it makes them look magisterial. Be prepared to stage-manage a little bit; the couple will forget lines and cues. Coordinate with the best man/woman and maid/man of honor (assuming they’re doing the logistical work for the wedding; if not, coordinate with whoever is). The fun thing about non-traditional weddings is that you get to build everything you want, but that’s also the downside. People don’t think about the boilerplate parts of a ceremony – entrance, movement, exit, the various cues to start and stop – but they make a big difference in how the wedding flows. (These are things that I screwed up or didn’t think/talk through sufficiently.)
This morning I decided to stop freaking out about my upcoming job interview and all my over-excited emotions immediately transferred themselves to an overwhelming desire to paint. Which is a thing I have never done before, but fuck it, this is what my “fun money” bank account is for. So I went to Blick and bought $50 of painting supplies before work, and now I cannot wait to get home and start playing.
I’m afraid the 11×14 canvases I bought are going to be too small. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow, so it’ll probably be Sunday before I can go to Michaels and buy more. *whine* Anybody know of an economical painting surface for large scales? (Given that I live in an apartment and cannot just move directly to the wall.)
Cardboard! In my painting classes in college we did that a lot. Throw some primer over it and it’s fine. Also, wood!
ooooooh I wonder if I can raid the recycling dumpster before everything gets wet tonight….
If you’re using acrylic you can paint on pretty much any kind of board… I used to just buy presentation board from Staples and paint on that, or foam board. As long as you put some paint in an X on the back to keep it from warping, it works fine.
If you’re using another type of paint though, I have no advice!
…I have SO MUCH foam board on hand. Thank you!
Does anyone watch Adventure Time? I’ve just been having a lot of feelings about Bubblegum and Marceline after the most recent miniseries and there are like not a lot of outlets in my life where I feel it’s appropriate to express them?? Help I’m obsessed with a magical candy princess and her vampire girlfriend!
You are not alone. That scene where Marceline was all old and junk? oh god the tears they fell.
I’m catching up on the series (in Season 5 right now) but I looooove it.
Hi Toast! This is my first time posting on an open thread, or anywhere at all on the Toast for that matter, so I am both nervous and excited to be here!
Who has tips on how to make yourself focus when there’s something that needs to get done but you really, really don’t want to do it? I’ve got a couple of large-ish assignment deadlines looming and I’m starting to feel the pressure, but every time I sit down to get them done I end up finding excuses to tumblr for an hour, or organize my email inbox for the hundredth time, or play a million games of sudoku. What anti-procrastination methods have worked for you guys?
Using a chrome extension like block site has worked for me. I have to use it on twitter, but maybe use it for tumblr?
I do super-short pomodoros. They’re supposed to be 25 minutes on/5 minutes off, but that is clearly crazy when you really hate to start something, so I adjust it to 10/10 or even 5/10. (If you have an Android phone the pomodroido app lets you set your own times, I use it constantly.) Then you know you just have to work until the timer goes off, and then you can have a break. After the first couple, I’m usually too into whatever I’m working on to take that many breaks and I go back to normal pomos. (Going without breaks just makes you headachey and cranky, don’t do that.)
Also, if you can do your work without it, unplug the internet. Fixes that tumblr problem right up.
That’s pretty much my strategy, too – or just pick a part of the project that’s small & concrete (“now I will format my cover page”) and by the time you’re done with that, you’re in Project Headspace & can start getting into it.
Magic Work Cycle app! 20 minutes on, 10 minutes off, with soothing ding-dings to alert you to the switch.
Rewards? And working in a very clean space. If I take the time to clean my home/office, get myself a snack and an amount of time to work on something, or an amount to get done before I get to spend a specific amount of time doing something else.
Not visit link roundups or open threads on the days I REALLY need to get shit did. Which is sad, but these suck up a lot of my time, so sometimes I just catch up on the weekend.
We are spending thanksgiving with my parents this year, and I have been assigned to a) come up with a vegetable side dish and/or salad (other than green beans, which are already on the menu), and b) figure out a vegetarian main course option for non-turkey-eaters.
Thoughts? Suggestions? (I am leaning toward something involving squash, or maybe a savory sweet potato dish.)
These are amazing, if you want a different take on sweet potatoes: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/swee…
Oh wow, this looks great. I have never thought of cooking with bitters!
I’m a big fan of glazed carrots.
Per pound of carrots, add 1 cup water, 1/3 cup brown sugar, 2 tablespoons butter, a bit of salt, and a bunch of pepper (like, pretend you’re the chef in Alice in Wonderland). Simmer until the carrots are tender (~20 minutes), then drain and serve.
I always forget that glazing is a thing, and a relatively simple thing at that! Definitely trying this soon.
My family enjoys carrots and turnips (in approx 2:1 or 3:1 ratio) cooked until soft and mashed together with some butter and salt/pepper. For a veggie main dish, how about a quiche if eggs are OK or a roasted onion tart? http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/free-form-onio…
Quiche and/or tart is a solid option–I don’t know that something heavily onion-based will go over super well with my intended audience, but hmm……
This is my latest amazing recipe discovery (quiche-esque category): http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/broccoli_che…
I was just looking at this page, all of which looks delicious! I’m making the vegetables wellington for our the main course of our family’s vegetarian thanksgiving. http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/11/vegan-thanksgi…
Alternately, you can literally never go wrong with sweet potatoes! Maybe roasted with a maple balsamic glaze?
Whoa, that is ambitious! Report back and let us all know how it turns out!
I will! I’m kind of terrified!
My children have requested their grandmother’s (my (deceased) ex-mil) sweet potato recipe which consists of more or less equal parts of sweet potatoes, butter and brown sugar, plus crushed pineapple and its juice, AND chopped maraschino cherries with their juice. I don’t even know what the recipe is, and it’s making my teeth hurt just thinking about it. Oh, and. Yes, you have to top it with marshmallows and stick the whole thing under the broiler.
My m-i-l is doing a vegetarian shepherd’s pie for December holiday dinner, would that be an option as a main course (with sweet potato as the mashed topping instead of regular potato)? I just took a book called ‘Vegan Casseroles’ out of the library which has a lot of what appear to be very-filling-indeed dishes, you could possibly get something from that if there’s a copy near you.
+100 to vegetarian shepherd’s pie! I make mine with lentils and mushrooms, then basically All The Root Vegetables. Topping with sweet potato instead of regular potato would be amazing!
Ooh, that sounds yum!
Big mushrooms grilled with garlic? Or a nut roast. Nut roast is always nice.
Ahhh you guys are great. I am so excited to cook a lot of winter veggie things now.
Stuffed pumpkin! I do this. It’s fantastic. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/pump…
I’m going to try it this year with rice as my husband can’t do bread anymore. You can take out the bacon to make it vegetarian. It looks FANTASTIC, like you did so much work and also you have a kitchen right out of Williams Sonoma, even if you totally do not. People will think you own pumpkin shaped soup bowls or something.
There are two enormous pumpkins we got from our CSA that are sitting in the kitchen right now. This looks amazing.
Stuffed squash is my go-to winter vegetarian main. You can stuff them with whatever you want but they always look fancy. Just be careful if you’re doing it buffet style, non-veg folks will grab them and leave none for the vegetarians.
My go to side is roasted Brussels sprouts. I roast them the day before with some diced up onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and olive oil, then when I reheat them at Grandma’s house, I top with dollops of mustard butter.
For a nice veggie main dish, I like to do acorn squash halves stuffed with stuff. Apples and walnuts are nice, as is tofu and wild rice, or mushrooms. Have fun!
Oh those sprouts sound fantastic. My bestie makes them with a splash of balsamic at serving, but um mustard butter sounds pretty great too. Mmmm.
This sweet potato gratin is the best savory sweet potato recipe I’ve ever had: http://www.mykitchenaddiction.com/2011/01/scallop…
My friend made it for a Friendsgiving a couple years ago and now I make sure to contribute it to Familygiving every year. So creamy and cheesy and delicious.
I love this simple sweet potato recipe, it always goes over very well, and can be prepped early and microwaved for serving:
Bake whole sweet potatoes until soft (maybe 3)
Cool slightly, peel and put in casserole dish
Mash with a big knob of butter, juice from two limes, and honey to taste.
Serve hot!
I really like veggie nut loafs as a veg main. http://www.thekitchn.com/winter-recipe-classic-ve…
My family does this greens and feta pie for the vegetarian entree and it’s so good! You can use any greens, really, and whatever mix of cheese, and I think we skip the dill.
I have made caramelized rutabagas with apples and onions for the last 5 Thanksgivings or so and it always goes over very well.
I love this squash lasagna, and usually add loads of mushrooms. I don’t always put in the nuts, but they really do work. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/butt…
Mac and cheese with some kind of winter squash mixed in is reliably delicious (but clearly not vegan, if there will be an non-cheese eaters amongst the group.)
White bean and kale stuffed delicata squash for a vegetarian main? Looks fancy, contains protein: http://www.cooklocal.com/2009/10/20/white-bean-an…
My last remaining grandfather passed away peacefully last week. The last week has been an entire mixed bag of emotions about it.
Relief because he didn’t linger, and, frankly, the last few years have been tough on him. He was retired and my grandmother passed several years ago. Two of his three sons passed away, and the one that’s left isn’t exactly great company, so it’s been a lonely few years for him.
Grumpiness because this is the worst possible time of year for me to take time off of work to go to his memorial which of course I was going to do because I’m a human being and he’s my grandfather and that’s what you do.
Annoyance because my grandfather had to be guilted into including my mother in his will. Aside from the fact that no one is entitled to any kind of inheritance, the fact remains that my mother, who he never failed to point out is not his biological child, has been his stepdaughter since she was a year old*, has spent the last two years driving 15 hours back and forth to his house to take care of him and her brother whenever they needed help because they had no one else to take care of them. They have had a long and contentious relationship–not aided by the fact that my mom ran off to join the Army and married a black guy–but I thought he had finally got past all that shit. So my mom is mourning her dad while surrounded by reminders that he didn’t even consider her his daughter even at the very end. So, fuck that guy.
*I sort of love this story.
My grandparents were high school sweethearts. After graduation, my grandma wanted to get married because that’s what you did as an 18 year old girl in South Dakota in the 50s. Grandpa did not want to get married.
Grandma said okay, married his rival, had my mom, and got divorced within a year.
She and Grandpa got married right after that and had three sons together.
Sad because he was still my grandpa that would take me to swap meets and bought me a pocket watch on a chain when I thought it was cool and flew to visit us when we lived in Panama.
Amused because on the flight home, the pilots not only had to fly the plane, but had to reboot the Wi-Fi which wasn’t working. The idea that pilots now have to play in-flight tech support as one of their “other duties as assigned” is just enormously funny.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
jedihugggzzz
My new slow cooker arrives today! I figured that if I have to come home to a depressingly dark apartment I might as well have a warm meal waiting for me. What should I make first??
Our crockpot is almost exclusively a chili making device.
Yes! I’m a vegetarian so my favorite is chili with sweet potato cubes instead of meat!
I will be trying this one in my slow cooker this weekend and I can’t wait: http://www.thekitchn.com/vegetarian-recipe-pumpki…
I made that a few weeks ago (in a Dutch oven, not a slow cooker) and it was awesome!
Find a grocery store that does roasts for cheap. Get the biggest roast that will fit in your slow cooker, throw in some onions and a couple cloves of garlic. Have enough roast beast to feed you for months.*
*not suitable for vegetarians
Pot roast!
Rick Bayless has some great slow cooker recipes – I make this pork tinga every couple of months (& then freeze half because I live alone, which means bonus meals later!)
Oh my god, that looks right up my alley. Thank you!
LENTILS! If you have a rice cooker as well you can have an entire DINNER waiting for you when you get home!
…do you happen to have any favorite slow cooker lentil recipes on hand because this sounds like a great idea?
Seconded, I love lentils!
Here’e my go-to lentil recipe back in the day. Super-earthy and super-tasty!
Just seeing the note so hope you read this! I like buying yellow lentils just because they’re pretty. So add your lentils to a slow cooker– easy enough! Cut up a yam into small cubes + onion + herbs of choice (thyme is good! so is rosemary!) + tumeric + curry + (if you have it, a star anise/ bay leaf/ pinch of cinnamon or cracked red pepper would be good too!) cover in a good veggie stock (a lot, they will expand). Set to low if you’ll be gone all day. Salt & pepper once cooked through, if you add salt first it’ll get too salty an no one wants that. If you want to make it just decadent, add a pat of butter, or splash of coconut milk just before eating, mix it around until it seeps in Mmmm! Then enjoy!
“Mexican” chicken–throw some chicken breasts in there with beans and corn and tomatoes/salsa and maybe a packet of taco seasoning, and then have it with rice or in tortillas or just in a bowl covered with cheese.
I love anything for which the serving suggestion is “in a bowl covered with cheese”
If you eat meat, pulled pork (either to make carnitas tacos or bbq pulled pork sandwiches. Literally just throw a pork shoulder in on high for about 8 hours, or until it falls apart.
I am reallly into my slowcooker, so I’m going to post links wildly at you right now. Sorry.
– pulled pork (pork shoulder with a bunch of sliced onion, leave it all day and then mix with some BBQ sauce. No need to add liquid to it)
– Coconut Ginger Chicken and Vegetables I double both the vegetables and the spices
– Spinach and Ricotta Lasagna You can’t do this one while you’re at work, but it’s great for a weekend when you’ll be home to turn it on. I agree with all the commenters who said they didn’t expect much from slow cooker lasagna, but were hugely surprised. It shouldn’t be as good as it is.
– Chicken Parmesan Soup
– Herbed Balsamic Pork Roast
– Overnight Oatmeal
Thank you thank you! I can’t wait to try all of these (starting with the lasagna).
I’m a big fan of slow cooker tapioca pudding – or slow cooker French toast you start right before bed so you can wake up to a lovely custardy breakfast.
Mulled wine! It’s perfect for the season and will make everything smell good.
Toasts, have you ever, you know, actually felt appreciated at your workplace? Is there anything that stands out in your memory as a particularly awesome thing your supervisor did to recognize your work? Or is there something you’ve done as a supervisor that you think went particularly well?
When I first started working at my current nonprofit organization, it was under a government contract. When the contract expired, my supervisor and the HR department went out of their way to get me another job within the organization because they thought I did good work and felt bad that I couldn’t stay on in my current capacity. Like I said, it’s a nonprofit so it’s not as “every person for themselves” as I imagine the corporate world is, but I still hugely appreciated it.
(Epilogue: they did find me another position, but it’s offsite so I’m not with any of my old coworkers and also I don’t like it.)
I worked at a film company, and when we did a screening tour, my boss kicked it off by sending me flowers and publicly thanking me in front of the audience. It was shocking and so kind.
That is lovely!
I’ve worked for a few people that have been really really good at verbal praise. Like times when I thought they weren’t paying attention they would point out one very particular thing and praise that. For example when I was working with kids instead of saying “You did a great job with the kids today.” it was “I thought when you handled X by doing Y that was a great idea and it really made a difference for this specific kid in this specific way.” Basically I like when a boss shows they’re paying attention and they recognize the effort I’m putting in.
I have also been very lucky in my current job with this. Both my supervisor and the supervisor of another department that I work closely with are wonderful at saying how good I am at things on a fairly regular basis. I may not always agree, but it helps me figure out when impostor syndrome is rearing its ugly head.
I’m not a supervisor, but my department has a thing that when you notice someone doing a good job with something/did you a work-related kindness, you write them a small note on a post-it and throw it in the fishbowl on the supervisor’s desk – at our monthly team meeting we hand all the notes around and read them aloud (try to distribute so the reader is not the writer or the subject). Then we put them all back in and draw one. The winner of the draw gets a $25 Target gift card. If I move to a new job that doesn’t have a decent recognition system, I would def implement this if I am in a position to do so, otherwise I would keep the “love notes” part of it and distribute on an ad-hoc basis.
My boss is very good at recognizing in the moment. If we are both on a conf call together she might IM me “Great explanation” or something similar. Or mention something I did that caught her eye in one of our biweekly status updates. That sort of thing. Nothing formal, but lets me know she sees and appreciates my contributions.
Fascinating! Your boss sounds wonderful.
My lab celebrated the success of a really exhausting multi-week experiment that *I* did, on *my* project, with champagne, while I was on vacation. I’m still super pissed about it and hope to make some concrete suggestions for improved employee appreciation to my boss (beyond “never fucking do that again, what is wrong with all of you”). Your post-it notes sound like a good idea!
OMG that is terrible! I would be very upset and feel very un-appreciated. I am so, so sorry that happened to you!
I don’t work in an industry where bonuses are a thing, ever–not even at the holidays. But a few years ago my boss pulled some strings and gave me a small bonus, just for being great at my job.
Specific and regular praise, a willingness to hear and understand my workload and not put more on my plate than I could handle, and taking real ownership of the team (e.g., if someone had a health and safety incident, my boss would absolutely own the situation instead of saying the more junior staff “should have known”), and just a kind and approachable demeanor have made one boss in particular really stand out.
Happy Friday!
To all the Toasties who recommended Divorced, Beheaded, Survived last week after Mallory’s Unsoliciited Advice to the Wives of Henry VIII post — thank you so much! My copy came in on Friday, I think, and I couldn’t really dive into it until Sunday, but now I am SO OBSESSED. I literally think about it all day at work and wish I could be at home, reading it.
Toasties who like makeup, I just found the greatest (cheap!!) lip stains and wanted to share my joy. They’re the MegaSlicks Balm Stain from Wet n Wild and I love them with a passion. This shit does not come off! And since it’s a balm, your lips don’t actually feel like the Sahara!
(FYI, the colors look kind of weird on the website, but there are tons of swatches out there that can give you a better idea of what they actually look like)
I love these but I find some colors work better than others for me. Lady and the Vamp and Red-ioactive are my two favorites.
Any stain-application advice for these? I really wanted to love them because it’s true that they don’t make your lips dry! But once the initial balm color came off for me I was left with this incredibly unflattering neon pink. Tried this with multiple shades and each turned out to be hiding a nougat center of That Time I Tried Makeup Colors in the 80s.
Maybe I need to exfoliate my lips more or something? IDK
I actually kind of like what these fade into on me! I’ve also layered them before in a kind of primer-stain-matte lipstick combo that I really liked too, and that shit stayed TIGHT. (for reference, I used the NYX lip primer, See If I Carrot stain, and I think a NYC Color matte lipstick in a coral-y color? I can’t remember right now what it was)
My office has a pretty strict dress code, and because I’m an intern I always try to err on the side of conservatism. That being said, I might have gone a little far today? Because I just looked at my outfit and I 100% have, like, Wednesday Addams and/or nice Orthodox Jewish girl look going on.
Yep. Once I came to work wearing a plain white blouse, plain straight ankle length black skirt, and a black cardigan. It was very “teenage religious school student” or “waiter.”
Haha, that’s how I dressed in high school. For me it was more of a low-frills goth-adjacent look, but my mother actually complained that her teenage daughter dressed like a nun.
Well, it’s cold, so covering up makes sense.
Except that I… Live in Southern California. And work near an irl orthodox Jewish neighborhood. I am without excuse.
I once kind of dressed myself like that for a job interview.
At a Reform Synagogue. Thankfully the rabbi didn’t notice or didn’t think it was worth mentioning.
Ooh, lucky you. I’ve just started wearing full length thermals under my clothes, and am really excited about a new fleece jacket which is lined with more fleece, the furry sort, and is not only SO WARM, but fits under my long quilted coat, as well as the shirt and aforementioned thermals. I’m not even in the northern part of Scotland, I’m just a wimp with poor circulation.
Rock the Wednesday Addams look! That’s a style that needs to come back!
Wednesday is a style icon tbh, embrace it.
Don’t worry, today I looked at my outfit in the mirror as I was running out the door (full-coverage, slightly retro black dress, flat shoes, cardigan) and briefly thought “Am I going to get confused for a nun? Dammit, I’m already late, no time to worry about my perceived levels of poverty, chastity and obedience.”
My childhood mentor and my great aunt just died. I didn’t want to come to work today but the lost day would have meant no Christmas presents for anyone. I really want to bail but can’t. It’s just a shitty day.
The benefit anthology to help me out with medical costs for the everything that has gone wrong this year will be out soon, however, if poetry and fiction are your jam.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that you have to be at work. I hope you have some time in the near future to grieve however you need to.
thank you.
Double awesome woman whammy there. That is tough, especially at this time of year. Take it easy if life permits. You are in my thoughts.
I just had an unexpected two hours of meetings because I got pulled into an 11-12 meeting that I hadn’t initially been invited to, and my 12 o’clock meeting lasted WAY longer than usual, and I have THE GRUMPS. How do you handle it when you feel like your colleagues won’t just let you DO YOUR JOB?
oh my god help me toasties, I AM SPIRALLING INTO A MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES OBLIVION!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know why I resisted watching this show for as long as I did seeing as I love most things in the same vein as this, but to fall into binge watching this THE WEEK THAT JESSICA JONES COMES OUT ON NETFLIX is a horrible, horrible life error that I don’t know how to fix???!?
THIS SHOW IS SO GOOD I WANT TO CRY. I’m only about halfway through season 2, but I’ve been reduced to yelling “KISS ‘ER AGAIN!!!!” every time Jack is on screen, trawling the tumblr tags, and looking for Phryne x Jack fanmixes on YouTube (I have never done this in my life????? & I was heavily in BSG & LOTR fandoms). Every time I see Hugh & Dot my face becomes that stupid heart eyes emoji, and Mac rocks those suit ensembles SO well.
tl;dr can’t stop watching Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, also desperate to binge Jessica Jones this weekend to prevent being spoiled, but brain may explode from how vastly different these two shows are & I kind of just want to live in a MFMM bubble forever help me please
Love Miss Fisher, enjoy your indulgence!!
Yes! Ditto. Me too. I am somewhere in season 2 as well and why, lord, did I wait so long to watch this show?
Toasties, if you have a little money to spare for a good cause, could you lob it in the direction of my friend Lu’s GoFundMe? She has been totally and utterly screwed over by the horrendous UK disability benefits system. Because they saw her holding a cup of tea without obvious pain during the ATOS assessment, she was not only told that she was no longer disabled, but that they wanted thousands of pounds back for the last few years’ benefits. Meanwhile, she’s still pretty damn disabled. She is an awesome person, snarks beautifully, and runs a Misandry Fridays on her Facebook and one of her cats is called Sadney, so she is obviously very Toastlike already.
Daveed Diggs appreciation thread!
>:| working on it…
I AM SO SMITTEN. @ DAVEED CALL ME.
Got the code working! Please enjoy.
Anonymous asked:
Daveed Diggs is so beautiful when he’s not on stage and he’s also such a cutie pie as Lafayette but as Jefferson like he’s still hot but I get this…. like sort of disgusted feeling? Like he’s really hot but covered in an invisible oozy slime. (which is probably because Daveed is a great actor and is properly showing us Jefferson’s grossness but still its a weird sensation to be attracted to and grossed out by someone at the same time)
Answer:
Daveed digs is in the top 2 most beautiful people ive seen in my entire life. Hes gorgeous
nexttoaarontveit:
so I took screenshots of these videos
you should all watch them, they are awesome (and Daveed is a gift to the world)
Your Fave is Jewish: Daveed Diggs
pumpernickelandcoal:
So I haven’t seen anyone talking about this yet, but Daveed Diggs, talented rapper and actor– most well known as Thomas Jefferson and Marquis de Lafayette in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s blockbuster musical Hamilton– is a member of the tribe.
He told Broadway.com:
“I went to Hebrew school, but opted out of a bar mitzvah. My mom is a white Jewish lady and my dad is black. The cultures never seemed separate—I had a lot of mixed friends. When I was young, I identified with being Jewish, but I embraced my dad’s side too.”
According to the New York Post:
His parents met at a club where his mom was the DJ. (She later went back to school for a Ph.D in social welfare.) She was Jewish, he was African-American. “‘David’ means beloved in Hebrew,” he says. “They spelled it with two E’s because my dad liked the look of it.”
Growing up, he felt like a fish out of water. Not because he was biracial, but because he was “awkward and antisocial.”
Coincidentally, Lin-Manuel Miranda has spoken about going to school with and being friends with Jews as a kid, and the biographer who inspired and fact-checked Hamilton is also Jewish.
me: Btw, Hamilton wasn’t an anti-Semite even though he was a white Protestant (moreorless) in the 18th century. He went to a Jewish school as a child on Nevis; the Christian schools on the island wouldn’t allow him in because he was illegitimate. He learned to recite in Hebrew and everything. Also, he founded the New York Post.
And this exists: <a href=”http://dailydaveeddiggs.tumblr.com” target=”_blank”>http://dailydaveeddiggs.tumblr.com
The pics of the guys in the theater are supposed to link to here: http://schuylerwood.tumblr.com/post/133409213368
And the “Your Fave Is Jewish” post, which has pictures and a link to a music video, is here: http://sentences-border-on-senseless.tumblr.com/p…
Hamilton wasn’t an anti-Semite even though he was a white Protestant (moreorless) in the 18th century.
It’s nice to find out things like this about people, in part because hey, fewer anti-semites is a good thing, and in part because it puts the lie to the old “It was just like that back then!” excuse. It wasn’t like that for everybody; lots of people were abolitionists, lots of people thought all races and religions were equal.
Bless this entire thread.
I am a newbie and love The Toast and thought it is time to comment! We are foster parents and our first placement is coming to an end after two years. The twin girls are smart, delightful, wonderful and loving. The next two weeks are going to be hard. The girls are going to a lovely home but that final goodbye ….
Good for you. I know a couple who regularly foster newborns in emergency placements and then have to say goodbye to them. Their strength awes me sometimes, they care for them, they love them. You have given those children a safe and secure place. They were the little ones who needed that home and you provided it.
Thank you for your kind words. Your friends sound amazing and hope I can channel a bit of their strength!
Toasties! A dear friend sent me the following image yesterday and it only added to the voluminous amount of love I have for Boris Karloff:
Although I will admit that at first I was truly puzzled about why Karloff would be mad AT Mexican food.
I can only hope that someday I will be referred to as doing something “in a spicy, tantalizing fashion.”
That said…sherry? Really?
Better than peas?
I kind of want to try it! Although that would mean buying and then storing sherry which I imagine would remain in my presence until the heat death of the universe.
I go through a surprising amount of sherry. I use it in sauces (bechamel especially) and soups. For Thanksgiving, for example, I’m making a vegetarian shepherd’s pie with mushroom gravy, and the first thing in the toasted roux — before I add vegetable broth — is a slug of sherry. It’s fortified, so it keeps better than an open bottle of wine, and I’m not tempted to drink it up.
So if you decide to splash out on a cheap bottle of sherry, you might find more uses for it it than you expect.
AND that his anger at Mexican food would be newsworthy!
I think I could work up a good head of newsworthy steam regarding certain foods!
bangreenpeppers
Ha ha, I love old timey recipes that use homeopathic levels of spice. A whole DASH of cayenne? Gasp!
I have some of my grandmother’s old recipes and some of them call for 1/8 tsp of curry powder for like, an entire casserole.
I KNOW! I do kind of want to make this though, although I would certainly up the spice levels. Apparently it was also once common practice to boil pasta for, like, half an hour.
The 50s were terrifying.
“fried tortilla wedges”
I guess we hadn’t invented chips yet?
I looked it up and Wikipedia’s article is short and boring but it says tortilla chips (at least in the states) weren’t mass produced until the 40s and not widespread until the 70s. So ‘fried tortilla wedges’ was probably a reasonable phrase at the time.
FASCINATING. I can’t imagine a life without mass-produced chips.
Is there a list somewhere of all the Toasties-groups? I know there’s a Chicago one, but are there others for other places/professions/interests etc?
I am interested in this as well!
Yes please! Are there more Utah toasties?
Sort of! There is a wonderful spreadsheet that includes Toasts on social media, some meetups and city groups, and more things. I don’t think it has been updated recently but here you are.
Toasts, either pregnant or with bodies, I am having some shitty feelings about my seven months of bigness. I get into in here here, but the TL;dr is basically: recovering bulimic, feeling Very Large, feeling like this Largeness is sucking my will to have a body. Words of encouragement would be helpful.
You are pregnant. I want to say you are fine, but you are clearly not fine. What you are is pregnant. An alien force has hijacked your body and will not let it go for another 11 million months (give or take).
Oddly, my advice is to be kind to your body and the alien. Give it what it wants. This is not the time to take charge. Unfortunately, the alien wins at this point. You’ll get your (mostly loving) revenge later.
I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say. But you should mention this in a prenatal appointment. It can’t hurt to talk to someone, especially given that you are in recovery.
…There’s a delightful self-care post on tumblr about prioritizing self-care by thinking of yourself as a demon who has to take care of your human body lest it fall apart under you and require you to find another one, which would be a pain. I find that helpful when I’m having dissociation feelings.
More generally, when I’m having issues with the size of my body, I find it helpful to remind myself that the phrase is “fat and happy,” not “tiny and happy.” Taking up space is something I am allowed to do. It proves that I can provide for myself and that I have more than I need to survive.
Also pregnant, feel your pain so much. I used to be very obese and worked so hard to get it off. Now due to medical problems I have gained way more weight than I wanted to, and feel like a whale. I’m still not sure what to do, but so far two things that have helped some are
1. Asking my husband to be more affectionate with me and to tell me that he thinks I am beautiful and why. Also being honest with him that I feel really bad about how I look and that it is bringing me down. He is actively looking for other ways to bring me up, like doing the dishes and being more involved with our already-born son.
2. Redirecting my focus. For example, when I start to feel so ugly, forcing myself to be grateful for a loving family and a healthy baby, reminding myself that I am strong and I can handle this, and then distracting myself with something productive.
Good luck to you! Pregnancy is hard and people don’t talk about for some reason (my sister in law: “Because I did not want to scare you.”)
You. Are. Doing. Hard. Work. Some of the hardest a body can do; you’re growing a new person’s bones, organs, a brain one-third the size of an adult’s brain! You’re growing the placenta, a brand-new temporary organ. You have 50% more blood than you used to. This, by the way, is an excellent factoid to share with man-boys freaked out by pregnancy.
It is hard, and it is especially hard when the world has very specific ideas about what a woman’s body should look like, but you have to focus on what you are doing. You are fucking incredible, and those annoying woo people who want you to embrace your inner goddess or whatever are correct despite the fact that they are insufferable.
And yeah, this will pass. It’s true you don’t know what your body will look like after, whether you’ll bounce back or have a slower road, but if you can, I recommend finding it all incredibly freeing. You ARE MAKING A HUMAN. Should a person who IS MAKING A HUMAN feel bad that her joints are a little achy? Pshhw. Should a person who IS MAKING A HUMAN be subject to bullshit patriarchal standards? I should say not. (Obviously no one should, but this is a pep talk, so bear with me.)
I hope this is helpful. I don’t know you, so maybe it’s not, but as someone who fell into disordered eating in her youth, focusing on what my body can do, not what it looks like, is what works for me.
Oh also, avoid online pregnancy-related content as much as possible.
Thissss fuckinnnngggg weeeeek oh my god. Lawyer, car, cats, travel plans, computers, the fucking car AGAIN, friends, relatives. Jesus.
This has been my go-to gif for like three weeks. <3
Toasties, at the gym yesterday i watched a magical commercial for a blood thinning product, that took place in an idyllic world where Dad Magazine style men golfed and lunched and joshed each other lightly. It was a magic land, the elysian fields of DAD:
not 100% sure if it’s amazing or if that’s just my fever talking.
I LOVE THIS COMMERCIAL
They advertise blood thinners? It’s not like anyone’s taking them by choice, surely? I mean, my partner would be thrilled to be off them, but he and his sister have had three DVT between them in their thirties with no risk factors, they’ve got a genetic thing going on so are both on the rat poison for life.
Advertising medication sounds totally weird when you’re a Brit with no TV, mind.
It’s still weird even though they do it all the time here in the U.S.
Fallout 4 thread!
Send help, I am irrevocably in love with Piper Wright, my reporter girlfriend. As someone on the aro spectrum, this is utterly confusing and I require fanart stat. I wrote fic for this stupid, amazing game.
How are you liking it? Please tell me anything and everything about your Fallout experiences, Toasties.
Oh man. Piper was talking to my boyfriend the other day and just sort of casually wearing no pants. I was Not Amused. He is not dating Piper, though, he is dating Cait. (In case it’s not clear, my boyfriend is the one playing Fallout 4 and I am just sort of casually observing.) I am also Not Amused by Cait. Though I am amused that if she starts saying suggestive things to him while I’m around, he’ll say out loud for her to chill out.
Did you know that there will be a new Vorkosigan novel in a few months?
And it’s about Cordelia?
Whaaaatttt!!! Thank you for this vital information!
ETA: coming out in February?? noooo that’s so far away
I’M ALWAYS HERE FOR CORDELIA!!! Thanks for reminding me to preorder this!
I’m so excited! But I also still have to read Cryoburn and Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance. Her books are so hard to find in stores. I think there’s a reprinting coming soon, though? She’s been posting a lot of new covers on Goodreads/her blog
I just reread Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance this week. That book makes me smile a lot, plus I love her description of the weird noises people make sometimes.
I got all her books through my library, and sometimes you can inter-library loan stuff if your own system doesn’t have it. All here Vorkosigan books are ebooks now too, fwiw
Ohh my. Thank you for this information.
Ridiculously excited, MOAR CORDELIA ALWAYS
CORDELIA AND LIEUTENANT-NOW-ADMIRAL JOLE AND THEIR STABLE TRIAD POLY RELATIONSHIP WITH ARAL
(that they once had and we only find out about now that Aral is dead, which makes sense, because that’s not the kind of thing a patriarchal/homophobic culture discusses with their children, but I am a) disappointed and b) want re-writes of all the Miles novels now from their POV, thanks)
God, can you imagine Ivan’s reaction if Alys and Illyan were having a secret poly relationship? It would be amazing.
Every time I am reminded of the existence of this book the mental image of Ivan and Miles thinking about their parents’ sexual relationships fills my heart with joy.
You guys. Tonight I am going to take a second look at a house to buy. I’ve been looking for a while. Currently I live in an older city neighborhood in a 115-year old Victorian. I’d originally planned to get something as close to a witches cottage out in the woods, something relatively new. This has not panned out for reasons like high taxes, needing a 4WD car to get up driveways, no internet, etc.
So now I’m seriously considering a place in a traditional suburban development. Like, cul-de-sacs galore. Everything I’ve been trained to hate as a responsible land use planner. But. But. The house is in good shape, in my price range, quiet, and has things like municipal services and pizza delivery.
My mind is basically made up to get it, but I’m feeling some lingering guilt over getting this kind of place. I always swore I hated living in these kinds of neighborhoods, but when I think about it now it just seems like such a relief. Am I terrible? I feel moderately terrible.
My parents recently bought a house in a planned neighborhood very much like the one you’re describing, I think. My dad waffled (suburbs felt like selling out in a way he couldn’t quite define) but the combination of home floor plan, sidewalks, convenience, good neighbors, quiet, adjacent to things they liked, etc. was just too good. They’re really happy and are slowly making changes to make the house feel more theirs, notably landscaping.
Suburbs need witches too.
I knew I had made up my mind when I started planning where I would put an outdoor altar to get the most privacy. I’ll have to make do with kitchen witchery, rather than being a Witch of the Wilds or whatever. 🙂
“Oh, that little gazebo out back? I’m trying something new in terms of landscape design….”
The pagan group I celebrate with meets primarily in suburban back yards, and we manage. If this is the house that works for you in terms of location and affordability and services, maybe you can be a spearhead to rethink/repurpose all these suburban bad-land-use spaces.
Do it! You’re not terrible at all. It sounds lovely and I am jealous (two other women and I are currently paying “reasonable” Boston rents for an apartment that’s not really big enough. You can have our spare responsible land use.)
Ooh, transfer of development rights!!! It’s totally a thing. I’m going with that as my excuse. 🙂
I don’t think you’re terrible! I’ve been house hunting for a while and while I keep thinking I want something quasi-urban or in a charming neighborhood near the lake, the best prospects I’ve found have been in very suburban areas. Decent amounts of space, not too bad of a commute, and prices that are actually feasible. It’s not cool or romantic, but it just seems nice.
Yeah, every other place I’ve looked at has had amazing features with huge honking dealbreakers. This is the first place that’s been adequate across the board. And I can walk to the Hudson River! So it’s not all bad.
The house I bought a few months ago isn’t anything like I thought I wanted. There are no sidewalks and the neighborhood is bordered by high-traffic commercial. It’s not a 2-story, it doesn’t have any architectural interest, it’s a stupid rectangle that looks like every other stupid rectangle in the unwalkable neighborhood. But I love it because it checks off all of my day-to-day boxes. Like it has a giant amazing kitchen and tons of windows and a room that I can use as a sewing room. Plus the taxes and insurance are lower and I actually appreciate being 2 blocks from home depot and passing 3 grocery stores on my way home every day. Between this house and a cute old house in a cute old neighborhood this one weirdly makes sense for me right now.
It sounds like that house checks off your day-to-day boxes, I say go with it!
I just bought a house in one of those types of neighborhoods and I love it. It’s comfortable. The people all seem nice. It’s a good neighborhood for taking my dog for walks. There’s an HOA though which is the one thing I really hate. If yours has lots of things you like and no HOA, then I say go for it.
You’re not terrible. I used to be very pro-old houses, anti-anything after 1930. But you know what? I’d love to live in a place that has a downstairs coat closet and overhead lighting and closets that fit more than my Sunday best suit.
Also, my 100 year old house has walls so thin, I can hear my neighbours. I yearn for something post-war with a bit of yard for my dog.
Is it existing construction? If so … at least you won’t be feeding into additional land development at the cost of more habitat loss. Also, I don’t know if you are buying on your own but there is much to be said for a safe place to live if you’re female and living solo.
I relate to those dreams, but maybe this neighborhood needs you. And maybe you need it. Worst case scenario, it’s a place to build equity (that’s a thing right? my dad says it all the time, it has to be a thing) and sanity and happiness, until you find the dream house. Or maybe this will be the dream house in unexpected ways.
You are assuredly not terrible.
As a result of getting obsessed with “Hamilton”, I have A. gotten super in to “In The Heights”, which I had never heard before, and B. inadvertently turned everyone around me into Hamilton fans, including my roommate, who works at a brokerage and who has started playing it at work, which has apparently turned into everyone at the brokerage listening to and discussing it for weeks now. So, that’s the hilarious image I wanted to share with you: a bunch of alpha male bro traders humming along to “Burn” during their workdays. Hamilton is magic.
I have a six hour drive home on Tuesday and I’m gonna listen to the In the Heights and Hamilton soundtracks back to back and belt out ALL the songs and NO ONE CAN STOP ME
ONCE WE GET GOIN’ WE’RE NEVER GONNA STOP
Make sure to bring along the apocryphal songs!
^^^^ I can see why most of these tracks got cut but I do wish they had kept “Congratulations” – it is such a great moment for Angelica.
Yeah, I agree. I saw someone mentioning somewhere that they saw it with the Dear Theodosia Reprise, and it dragged a little, but when LOJ is breaking down at the end of the first verse and the beat falls away, it crushes me. And the Adams diss track is hilarious. And Congratulations is so, so good, and gives us the MOAR ANGELICA everyone wants.
someone on the internet noted that “you can’t include Congratulations because Alexander doesn’t get murdered until the end of the play,” which, true
Toasties! My husband and I are reevaluating our charitable giving for the next year and running into the same problem we had last year, which is that I have plenty of ideas and he has no idea what options even exist. Can you help? Where do you give- organization or type of org? And why, if you’re willing to share. Ideas welcome!
I would recommend checking out any charity you’re thinking about donating to on this website: http://www.charitynavigator.org . It gives you an idea of where exactly your money is going, and about how effective your donation will be. A good rule of thumb is less than 10% overhead being an effective charity, but it obviously varies by situation. Good luck!
I’m the development staff of a tiny not-for-profit organization and that 10% overhead comment, even with your caveat, just hurts.
There are many reasons this rule is not the best indicator of a charity’s effectiveness.
Sorry, off my soapbox! Charity Navigator is indeed an excellent resource
Thanks for the links, I will definitely be looking them over to better educate myself
Sorry again for the rant and all the links, it’s a THING for me (and the industry), especially when granting organizations use it as a guideline. Most often, it means that smaller orgs trying to get those grants can’t actually pay staff what they’re worth, depending on what the granting org defines (rather arbitrarily) as “overhead”, which is one of the big reasons we have such a high level of burnout among fundraisers.
No need to apologize! I sincerely appreciate the links. I was only speaking in broad terms and I’ve only ever had experience with/for larger nonprofits and a different background/ experience is something that is necessary for nuanced advice (and has given me things to think about). I agree that a lot of definitions are rather arbitrary, and grants where you can’t pay admin/grant writing as apart of the grant are indeed frustrating.
Charity Navigator is great, as is GiveWell. Personally, most of my donations these days go through GiveDirectly. Direct cash transfers are the single best way to alleviate poverty in the world, and GiveDirectly puts just more than 90 cents out of every dollar received into the hands of people who desperately need it. Closer to home, I try to volunteer more than donate. Boys and Girls Club and Habitat always need an extra set of hands.
Planned Parenthood, ACLU, direct giving to transpeople wanting surgery, wikipedia, SPCA, Unicef, Women on Waves
Women on Waves looks super interesting (in that “what a shame it needs to exist” sort of way…)- thanks for sharing! Definitely one I hadn’t seen before.
I recommend Days for Girls! They assemble kits of homemade cloth pads and other menstrual hygiene things and distribute them where there’s need.
I finally got around to setting up an automatic monthly donation to my state’s food bank network and I’m really happy with doing that. They rank high on the Charity Navigator website, I can feel like I’m helping both my community and the wider area, and it’s low input so I don’t have to worry about getting burned out. I used to donate to Oxfam America, but then they started calling my cell phone and high pressure guilting me into donating more, so now I rip up things that I get from them.
I give to the Lakota Law Project and various other projects working to restore Native rights to their sacred places (or otherwise prevent said places from being bulldozed/commercialized/mined/exploited).
Emily’s List
I am a very big fan of the Equal Justice Initiative, which provides legal representation to people who can’t afford it, and also to people whose cases have been mishandled due to racial bias, prosecutorial misconduct, etc. (Their Charity Navigator page is here, btw.)
Donors Choose is my preferred option 🙂
We donate to Planned Parenthood and both local library systems that we use, because those organizations are important to us.
After those, it’s mostly things that come up throughout the year. We don’t set a strict budget because we’re both kind of bleeding hearts(/easy marks).
We’re worse at saying yes than we are at saying no- so setting up a set of monthly donations has made a HUGE difference in our giving. Plus we’re more likely to say yes to organizations we already support. This year’s goal is really “do more of the same, and probably also something additional we didn’t think of last year.” It’s been really cool to make a commitment to the organizations we chose and see what they did throughout the year- our local women’s shelter (really an all encompassing anti-domestic and sexual violence organization) has done wonderful things expanding access to rape kits in the city and more recently our major college campus, plus they’re providing nurses trained in working with assault victims to administer the kits- along with the zillion other important services they also provide.
I couldn’t leave it at just a thumbs up– awesome way to do it, I love that you guys try to support on both the macro and micro levels, if you will.
Modest Needs (modestneeds.org) helps low-income people meet unexpected expenses to avoid a spiral into poverty. For example, they often pay for car repairs or utilities after a person has been out of work. You can recommend which applicant your donation goes towards (I personally tend to favor older women on their own).
I pick an area I really care about and look for an organization on a global scale and one on a more local – like, hunger relief, abroad where my money may help more people, and in my community where I may help my neighbors. (Repeat several times across the year: animals/environment; medical care.)
Is there anything that he really responds to as a big concept? Like, it might seem meaningful to literally buy a hundred meals for seniors, or dig a well, or it might feel more useful to educate a village or rebuild after a disaster. People have different triggers, can you help him figure out what makes him feel most valuable?
The “big concept” part was a struggle last year- I think he’s concerned about choosing the “best” big concepts? It seems like it’s a perfect as the enemy of good kind of thing- the idea that what if there was someplace better we could be donating to that we just don’t know about. Whereas I fall more into the “these things are important and I feel like these organizations get a lot of use out of the money they get.” Hence this thread 😀
When I started giving money, I picked one charity a month and sent maybe $20. (I was young, it was a start!). It made me feel like I could spread my giving around and not feel too much pressure to get it right. Then I read their emails and thought about them for the year and had time to decide if I’d re-up. The one who often called me at home? Nope. My alma mater, who I love but truly do not need the money as much as a food bank? Nah.
Maybe sit him with one of those lists of the “best charities”, which mostly use charity navigator style evaluations, and he can feel like he at least considered a major range of options that weren’t just the names he knew already? As someone notes above, those tend to identify larger organizations who can spend a smaller percentage on operating costs, but it’s a start.
I’m also a sucker for the New York Times “neediest cases” stories that they run at this time of year – they remind me that some big nebulous organizations I wouldn’t normally think of are buying beds for children and school supplies for their parents and so on. It’s good to be reminded that your cash will be spent on something.
I love Defenders of Wildlife: https://secure.defenders.org/site/SPageNavigator/…
You can “adopt” individual animals or families or packs, and it is a nice way to gently interest children in their environment and make them feel like they can participate in helping the world around them.
I also got the feels from this and threw money at them: http://www.distributingdignity.org/
Usually we try to contribute directly to local organizations, and use the holidays as an excuse to focus. We decided we wanted to make it a tradition for the little one as she grew up. This year, our neighbor actually works for a women’s shelter that is housing refugees, so we asked her to let us know what items would be good for one of the families most in need. I’m letting my toddler help so that we can start talking about loving people and taking care of them outside of direct family.
I just found out I’m going to be an Aunt for the first time!!! Let the knitting commence!
**All super adorable baby crafts and patterns appreciated!
duck foot booties! I keep meaning to make these for babies of friends, but I haven’t actually managed it yet. I did make this knit shirt for a friend and the pattern was very well written and I liked the end result.
I’ve also made this baby quilt for two different babies now and it’s been well received.
Yay, thank you! Those duck foot booties are adorable. My sister-in-law is OBSESSED with Disney, so she’d definitely get a kick out of those!
Congratulations!
This jacket is easy for baby to wear, and it’s super fun/easy to knit. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/baby-surp…
Thank you! : D
Congratulations!
Felted elf shoes are the best! Superduper adorable and easy.
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/elf-shoes
Ahhhh, SO cute! : D
I got out of work at 10:30 this morning because I’d already worked 40 hours, and my supervisors suggested it! I guess New Job isn’t all that awful.
Toasties, how do you stop being a sort of workaholic? I have a job that technically has healthy hours and comp time (work over your normal hours one week, take them off the next, instead of overtime). And I do not get paid nearly enough to make working a million hours a week worth it. (Plus, I know my work is suffering because I need a break.) But my to-do list is endless and I pretty much never get credit for how hard I work, so it’s really hard to work less. The coworkers at my level think I’m crazy for not just taking the time off, but that’s not exactly helpful.
If you never get credit for how hard you work… is it possible that you will also not get blame for working less? I tried this at the advice of my therapist a couple of months ago and it turns out that no, I do not get blame! In fact, I get a more reasonable distribution of projects, because I’m not visibly accomplishing enough to make everyone’s reaction be “she gets things done fast, let’s give it to her.”
That is a smart idea…
Seconding this – I was talking to my therapist about how I always feel the need to give 110% and she said “what would happen if you gave 90%?” Which for me was really helpful because in my mind there are no grey areas, just “WORK THE HARDEST I CAN” and “BE A HUGE SLACKER” so to have someone talk about working hard without giving it your absolute all was really helpful for me.
Is your job appropriate for only one person? Is it in need of review? Could it be a candidate for a part-time assistant? Or are there processes that need streamlining? Is there a technology acquisition that would make a difference?
My job could probably be done best by 2-3 people. Which is true for a bunch of coworkers as well! Mostly, response from above about me being overloaded is that they’re busy too or offers to help me prioritize. (Which is definitely something that needs work, but part of why I have trouble prioritizing is that there is always so much more to do than I have any hope of getting done.) Coworkers at my level think I work too much and are also probably tired of hearing me talk about how tired I am all the time. They’re also much better at setting limits on their hours than I am.
@mmsees I think black-and-white like that, too, which I had also been working on in therapy! It’s hard for me to figure out how much of the problem is me vs my workload vs management. I think some of it is the lack of appreciation feeding the impostor syndrome that tells me I’m useless at my job and that the least I can do is work a bajillion hours. This thread is also making me realize that I need to go back to therapy, haha.
Hamilton, LMM, and Bob Dylan content in reply. An excerpt from a book called George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America and a link to a longish post of mine composed of quotes from LMM about writing and performing and becoming, in a fan’s words, an actor-playwright, with additional discussion.
nonstopadotham:
You’ve heard of singer-songwriters, now get ready for…
Actor-Playwrights
What didn’t make it into my post:
I personally see a lot of parallels here to Dylan’s career, which I didn’t go into on Tumblr because there doesn’t seem to be much overlap in the fandoms. (The bob dylan tag on my blog has other posts about LMM and Dylan though–for instance, LMM’s a fan.) But the parallels go right down to the vivid childhood stories of insisting on performing music for people. Also, in the part of the freestyle I didn’t quote LMM talks about writing In the Heights because he loved Broadway wanted a Latino musical without gangs in it. In his memoir Dylan has written that he started writing songs in earnest as a young man because the songs he wanted to sing didn’t exist.
So LMM starred in In the Heights. He had always acted as well as written, but I think we can all agree that with his voice there’s no way he would be starring on Broadway (or it seems to me be on it at all) if he hadn’t “ended up” leading a popular and award-winning musical that he had written. (At least the difference and limitations to his voice compared to the other principals on the Hamilton OBC is very noticeable to me, as someone who is a fan of and close listener to singing but mostly ignorant of musicals.) He does say that the producers liked him in the role–they saw him in it at readings where he was playing the part so he could smooth over the holes where he hadn’t written parts of the show yet, and there was too much writing and re-writing of the raps going on for someone else to learn for the readings. Once be had the part, he made it a lot bigger. 🙂
What stands out most to me is that Dylan doesn’t have the singing voice conventionally needed to be popular in his field, either (although I find his singing talent and skill to be the most effective part of his incredible music), but he became a legend because his writing caught fire with people.
That’s actually what I was thinking of when I started writing the “actor-playwright” post, but I saw from previous posts that that wouldn’t go over too big, and I ended up having enough to say anyway for Hamilton Tumblr. But here’s what I was REALLY thinking, exclusive to the Toast!
Absolutely makes sense. I’m not sure it’s going to become a thing as much as it did in music, though. It’s (relatively) easy for the next John Darnielle or Joanna Newsom to sit down with a guitar or a harp and a laptop and put music out into the world for the tiny group of people who it connects with. I think there’re a lot more levels between “wrote a musical” and “starring in actual production” that would derail most wanna-be LMMs.
Yeah, it really did become a huge thing in music, didn’t it? I agree about the barriers to more of this happening in musical theater. I actually hadn’t even thought that far. The vocal standard in musical theater is so specific and I would say unforgiving, and the whole thing is enmeshed in a monolithic convention and huge barriers posed by the amount of resources you have to get together to mount a show, and having to convince the people with money. And the conservatism and hidebound nature of the typical audience.
Although, there will have to be more shows with rapping after this, and that opens the stage some to people with a different sound and skill set.
Yes to all this, yes. Yessssssss
I’m spending this Friday wanting to do nothing but look at Daveed Diggs.
My Tuesday Tumblr collection is Hamilton-themed and overwhelmingly large so here is one of the posts I’ll be reblogging, for you now as a sneak preview.
Oh man, he shakes his head like a puppy in the Reynolds Pamphlet one.
http://duvallon.tumblr.com/post/133622928008/lafy…
9 Daveed gifs
Also I started a DD appreciation thread on here today, there’s several things to look at there.
He’s got some really good music videos on YouTube with his group clipping.
Hope I’m not only telling you things you already know.
Happy Friday!
My mom just informed me about some horrifying things happening in her school district.
This morning an administrator spoke to the staff about changes to the curriculum that include removing the study of any other culture except for the United States from the social studies curriculum in elementary and middle school, and removing the study of animal adaptation from the science curriculum because it lends itself too much to the theory of evolution. My mom was the only one that involuntarily yelled out, “Are you kidding?” The administrator wasn’t, of course. Nobody else on the staff seemed remotely concerned.
She asked if there were scientists on the curriculum-writing committee and was told that they quit because they were so ignored and treated badly.
What. the. fuck. are. we. supposed. to. do? I know this stuff has been happening in a lot of schools, but to actually see it implemented firsthand is nuts. My mom is retiring this year. Can you help me think of ways she can use her new free time to facilitate change in the education system? Anyone know any good non-profits she can support?
Is there an elected school board she could run for, or help find/support/etc good candidates? Is there a PTA she could rabble-rouse?
All of this. Is there any local media that might care about this?
Tell her to check out the National Center for Science Education. I believe they will send lawyer letters to school districts that try to eliminate evolution from the curriculum. At any rate, they will have resources and advice.
I can’t seem to find this information anywhere, so I apologize if this has been previously posted, but how on earth does someone add pictures to a comment?
It needs to be online somewhere that you can do a direct link from – then you use {img} an {/img} tags but with <> instead of {}. You need the address of the pic that ends in .jpg or whatever, not the page link.
Perfect! It was your thread about cats that actually inspired me to figure it out. I’m inordinately proud of my fur overlord.
As is only right and proper. If they’re on flickr or photobucket or the like there is normally a ‘share’ button that will do it.
Like Es_Petal said, a basic “img” HTML code will work for pictures and gifs. Here’s the line of code you’ll need, but when you use it, substitute the direct link address of the pic/gif you’re using and replace the brackets { } with carots < >
{img src=”http://webpage.com/picturefilename.jpg”}
or
{img src=”http://webpage.com/giffilename.gif”}
Oh, I missed peak OT time! I found this the other day and thought it belonged here, and as I continued reading I realized that NicMal are in the list. Mais bien sûr. http://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahjewell/hilarious-tw…
I just called my asshole congressman about the refugee bill and the kid who answered the phone HUNG UP ON ME and now I’m sending an email, trying not to make the subject YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME VOTING FOR YOUR CRUSTY ASS AGAIN. I also had an oatmeal cookie for lunch (but managed to finish Important Work Thing ahead of schedule), so today is going great.
Wait I can’t believe the intern snot hung up on you! I have always been under the impression that representatives take phone calls more seriously than emails… THIS WILL NOT STAND, CONGRESS.
My representative voted the same way, and I’m not happy. The district is gerrymandered as FUCK, combining rural and conservative parts of the state with more urban/suburban, liberal, diverse parts of the state. (And geographically it is an absolute nightmare, of course. I’m in the same district as places THREE HOURS AWAY.) It doesn’t take a political genius to figure out who exactly he was trying to win over with this vote.
It surprised me too, tbh! He asked if I had a reason why I felt that way and as I was thinking (maybe a 10 second pause) he said “ok, bye” and hung up! He didn’t even get my name or address which was Against the Rules when I was a congressional intern.
I want to comment-to-my-comment and clarify that urban/suburban=/=liberal and rural=/=conservative!!! Definitely do not mean that. In this case, they’re just totally different parts of my state, geographically, demographically, politically…. weather-ly.
Ick. My guess is he’s an incompetent intern, and I’d honestly suggest following up with another call on another day of the week, since it’s very likely you’ll get another intern. Offices get a ton of e-mails every day and some offices never read them until weeks/months after they’ve been sent just because there’s so many.
(Another former intern here, and for way too long.)
GUYS I JUST SOLD SOME STOCKS FROM MY BROKERAGE ACCOUNT
God I feel like such a grown up right now
Are there any Pagan Toasties? I’ve been on-again off-again thinking about practicing (I may have written an essay about it here a million years ago… http://the-toast.net/2013/11/06/loki-before-he-wa… but I can’t take the plunge. Anyone have any stories/thoughts on what it’s like in the Pagan community in the 00s vs the 90s (the last time I was involved)?
I’m pagan but not involved in any community to speak of, besides casually discussing pagan rituals once in a while with my friends-who-happen-to-also-be-pagan. I’d be very keen to see more pagan content on the Toast.
I’m not a huge community person, but I joined ADF earlier this year and one of the local groves invited me to their spring equinox ritual. It was – well, ADF is heavy on liturgy, which I really like, so that was awesome. There was a lot of bitchiness and talking…not so much behind people’s backs as right there in front of them. There was a lot of agreeing loudly about politics and history. There was a lot of food and a whole lot of alcohol, most of it homemade. I had a good time but I haven’t made the effort to make it back.
When I want to know what the larger community is doing I usually play link-tag at The Wild Hunt.
P.S. I really loved your Loki piece and I would also love to see more pagan content on The Toast. Hm. I should maybe pull together that paganism & asexuality piece I’ve been thinking about writing.
One of my very dear, dear friends of many years is a community elder in Miami if you have any interest in Wicca or paganism in general. She’s a doll, and wonderful, and full of great resources. I queried her and she recommended http://www.witchvox.com/ or a MeetUp. Janet Farrar and Gavin Bone do some great online course offerings that are good for community building as well as personal and solitary practice.
Worthwhile Asatru and Hellenic circles in particular tend to be difficult to find. I can point you in the direction of some leads if you are in SoCal or Miami, but really good groups tend to stay low to the ground to avoid lookie-loos and some of the unhinged people the pagan community tends to attract.
The coming week is going to be rough–Thanksgiving either alone or in my room, the fact that I’m going to have to pay rent for another month here because I haven’t found a place to live, which will increase tension in the house, and the fear that either nothing will come through or what does will be as hard to deal with as the last two years, which I have no desire to live through. HOWEVER! Across the street there’s a little pocket park here, and today two ladies who meet for a picnic lunch once a month are there getting caught up, sharing food, and swapping big bags of books with one another. I always feel so blessed to be sitting out and reading when they show up, and it’s a real dream of mine to have a friend like that of my own. So that’s where my hope lies as winter prepares to weigh in on things.
Oh my goodness. That is such a wonderful hope… And I know it’s not quite the same as being able to picnic together, but I do feel like the Toast is a really great community, and we do catch up with each other and swap books (and recipes, even if not actual food)… So while you are looking for that in your not-online life, and I hope you do find it, lean into the sense of community here too. I really feel like the internet is great at helping people be part of communities like that.
I think that’s probably part of why I’m so drawn to them, actually. They’re like watching The Toast IRL, albeit with more Sandra Brown novels. Hopefully my training here will serve me well when I’m around people again.
Heathered, I think and worry about you often. Are you safe? Can we help in any way? Where are you located (with as much specificity as you’re comfortable with)?
Aw, thanks for this. I’m safe and in Sonoma County (Santa Rosa, specifically). I just haven’t been able to find a place that will take me back in Ukiah, either because I don’t make 3x the rent (and never have, so suggestions that I run out and do that ASAP have been hard for me to do much with) or in terms of renting a room because I work from home and will need to do so until I can resettle, unpack, and then start looking for a different job. I went through another dystopian loop of phone calls to nowhere with HUD on Friday, but I have a few things to follow up with on Monday, so hope springs eternal. The main thing is that people have been so kind about wanting to GoFundMe or some such, but I have savings that should get me in the door–I’m being held back due to lack of earnings, and GoJobMe doesn’t feel like a possibility. It’s weird.
Toasties! This has been an undeniably shitty week globally. I cannot wait to go home for Thanksgiving and binge-eat my mom’s cooking and watch movies with my sisters and just RELAX. This week I stood up for myself and gave notice at a part-time job that was causing me an undue amount of stress&anxiety and it was a huge relief. I just feel so BURNED OUT. What kinds of self-care are you guys planning on engaging in to recharge yourselves over the holiday weekend?
I have been reading Ambition and Desire: The Dangerous Life of Josephine Bonaparte by Kate Williams and loving it – can any Toasties recommend other fun and engrossing biographies of historical women?
I hear that the new RBG biography is well done.
I enjoyed Sonia Sotomayor’s memoirs earlier this year, but neither of these ladies are hardly “historical.”
Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy by Karen Abbot was one that I really enjoyed–it follows four different women who were spies in the Civil War.
ETA: Karen Abbott in general is great–she also has a bio of Gypsy Rose Lee (American Rose) and a book about two sisters who ran a high-end Chicago brothel in the early 1900s (Sin in the Second City).
Not a biography of one woman, but Freedom’s Daughters by Lynne Olson, about the women in the Civil Rights movement is really fascinating
Abigail Adams by Phyllis Lee Levin
Jane Austen: a Life by Claire Tomalin, the only Austen biography worth reading (and Austen’s letters edited by Deirdre le Faye are also great)
Home buying! Does anyone have experience buying a house with a really tiny down payment? Like 3-5k tiny? I’m just dipping my toes into the home-buying world and I’ve always been told you need at least 20% of the purchase price to put down. But this seems impossible because of reasons – namely being a Millennial, single, and graduating into a recession with student loans. But renting isn’t really appealing to me anymore… Advice? Tips? Am I delusional?
You don’t need 20%! I don’t know what the minimum is (and it will vary with type of loan) but if you put less than 20% down you’ll be paying private mortgage insurance. My advice is to talk to a mortgage officer. They’ll ask for your taxes and bank statements and a few other things and then they’ll talk you through the different kinds of mortgages, how much you could get pre-approved for, and what your payments and fees would look like. Keep in mind that buying and closing on a house is expensive- even beyond the down payment- so you’ll want to have a bigger cash cushion than you probably anticipate but a good mortgage officer should be able to estimate that for you.
I’ll definitely be seeking help! But I didn’t want them to laugh me out of their office… (Which happened to me when I went car shopping. The salesman laughed and said ‘We don’t sell Honda’s that cheap’ and so I will never ever buy a Honda, even now that I could.)
Oh, then before you talk to someone there are some pretty good calculators on the internet. Find one that will estimate PMI, insurance, and taxes so you can get a better idea of your potential monthly payment. Still keep in mind that they don’t include closing costs or inspections which will change how much you’re able to put down.
Wait, what? This is mindblowing to me. Not that I could afford a house where I live regardless…but I do in fact have money I’ve been considering seed for a downpayment on a condo, so this gives me hope that I may be out of the horrifying rental market before I’m forty.
(I come from a family where We Do Not Like Debt, and I actually don’t think anyone in my immediate family is carrying any significant debt at all right now. Mortgages scare me.)
Avoiding debt is commendable. As long as you recognize that not all debt is created equal. Debt for assets that decrease in value = Very Bad Idea, Maybe Even Stupid. Debt for assets that are likely to hold or increase their value = Good Idea, Maybe Even Wise.
But I trust you to know what’s best for you.
Intellectually, I agree with you. Emotionally, one of the strong memories of my young life is the party my parents had when they paid off the mortgage.
(And intellectually, I am also reminded that it has been recently proven that homes are not assets that are guaranteed to hold or increase their value. Granted, right now is a good time to bet that they will, but.)
You can do it, depending on the price range you are looking at. FHA mortgages can go as low as a 3.5% down payment. The 20% thing is just to avoid mortgage insurance, and seriously no actual human does that. I’m in the process of buying right now and my downpayment will be about 6%.
ETA: You can always make an appointment with a mortgage broker to get a feel for whats involved. If you know anyone that owns, ask for recommendations. I get along great with my guy – we have lots of friends in common, and he’s not a super pushy sales guy. He was happy to sit down and look at what I would qualify for and give me options, before I even looked at a single place.
This makes me feel so much better! And it makes me feel like I didn’t fail so hard at adulting for not being able to amass 20% of a home down payment. How much does mortgage insurance run – I assume it’s percentage-based on your loan amount?
^^ this is all true, you will be looking into an FHA loan, which recently dropped their interest rates by 0.5%. one limitation is that you have to do an impound account, where your mortgage payment also includes a portion of your homeowner’s insurance, property taxes [if applicable in your state], and PMI, so depending on your opinion on that, it can be a good or a bad thing.
also, let’s say you come into some money, or the market in your area shoots up and you believe you have gained equity based on appreciation alone, you can try to refinance to conventional, or at least a new FHA loan-to-value, and pay less PMI. there are fees, and it requires an appraisal which isn’t cheap, but it could be worth it in the long run.
i have no idea how to calculate PMI, i once looked it up and it was kinda crazy, but when we were choosing between borrowing 400k [paying down to conventional] and 430k [having PMI above conventional] our PMI was around $220/month. so if you are somewhere near the cutoff, it’s worth trying to get out of it. if not, get in where you can and understand this won’t be your only place, and you can rework things down the line.
I mean, some people do that here, but I live in the Rust Belt where you can buy a perfectly good house for $50-60K. I’m sure most people in major metro areas don’t put 20% down unless they’re uber-wealthy.
I am in this same boat. I finally got a raise, so I hope to be able to start saving something and buy a house (like a really small house, 1200sqft?) in my neighborhood.
Isn’t it TERRIFYING?
I bought with a tiny down payment! I had a type of loan that allowed me to avoid mortgage insurance, which was helpful, but the thing that most surprised me was how much extra money went to closing costs–so maybe do some calculations and then plan to have more than you think you’ll need for closing costs (depending on the size of your loan, that is).
I would also say–no matter how tiny your budget is, keep looking until you find something that you really like. I mean, I “settled” on something–no place is perfect–but where I ended up was SO much better than the places I didn’t buy. Some people really like fixing up imperfect places, and some people like me would much rather paint, move in, and be done for a while.
It is possible! I just bought my first home (a condo) in a very expensive market, and put 0% down (I am in your same general demographic). I worked with a credit union, and when I offered my 5k saved, the loan officer told me to save it for earnest money/inspections/closing costs/repairs. She was 100% right, because I needed almost all of it for just those things. My particular loan did not require mortgage insurance (thank God), and even between the mortgage payment, escrow, and HOA fee, I’m still paying less than I did in rent (by about fifty bucks, but at least my payments won’t go up every year). Talk to more than one bank, find a real estate agent you trust, and pay for every inspection available. Better to spend the money and back out than to find out after the closing that the radon level is over the legal limit.
Also look into taking a first time home buyers class. They tend to be focused towards people with smaller down payment amounts and should give you lots of good basic information (like interview several realtors and go with the one you like best). Also, depending on where you are, there may be special loans for buying in different areas. In my area there are rural development loans that help out if you’re buying in some of the smaller towns in the county.
Depending on where you live, some cities have assistance programs for first-time homebuyers (e.g., with lower down payments, help with closing costs, etc.)
Also, if you buy a cheaper house that needs a bit of work, some places offer low-interest loans for repairs. (My mother got a low-interest loan through a neighborhood non-profit for a new roof and new windows, for instance).
I am just posting to say that if anyone on the administration side of this website sees a mysterious uptick in the number of ads clicked, that would be me, because i’ve been doing a lot of online clothes shopping and so now all my ads are images of pretty modcloth dresses that I’m on the fence about buying and I keep clicking them to stare and continue to be ambivalent about buying. I hope my indecisiveness generates revenue for the Toast!
Whoever runs Modcloth’s online advertising is a genius. I don’t think I’ve ever even vaguely liked something on there and not ending up buying it, because it literally chases me across the internet until I do.
SERIOUSLY that website is EVIL because I have to buy EVERYTHING
And the shoesssssss oh god
Are there any Toasties who live in St. Louis? Is there a group?
I am moving there for school in January and need suggestions on things (gay, crafty-but-not-too-intense, seeing art, eating good food, etc in type) to do and see. Also, people to meet if there are any. I am very nervous about the possibility of not making any friends when I get there.
Hello! Welcome to St. Louis, in advance. I am a St. Louisan, might be the only one here.
Recs:
-We have a very large and active Meetup scene, so I’d start there for most of your searches. We have a reputation as an insular city (“what high school did you go to”) but not everyone is like that and Meetups tend to be refreshingly clear of natives and full of transplants. Your school will be a great reference point too.
-Not to plug too hard, because I’m a member, but in the vein of Meetup groups, check out Queer STL on Facebook for gay-related activities.
– More gay things: The Grove is the official gaybourhood but queer people are really everywhere, at least east of 270.
-Seconding gingkotree on Mission Taco. That whole area on Delmar is full of delightful places. Al-Tarboush Market makes the best falafel, Vintage Vinyl is a cool record store and there’s also a great thrift shop there (I forget the name). Also a good comics store.
-Tower Grove, Soulard, and Cherokee Street are great neighborhoods too. Art fairs are pretty common throughout the city and I’ve heard good things about the Tower Grove festivals and I’ve been to a Cherokee St one and it was great. Other good art fairs: the one in Maplewood, the one in Kirkwood (Green Tree Festival) is great if you have kids. All the places mentioned above also have food festivals a la “Taste of X” as far as I know.
Hope this helps. I’m not too craft-y so I hope my recommendations at least give you a place to start. Moving is nerve-wracking, so best wishes for a smooth transition and welcome to the Lou.
I’ve only visited once, but go to the Museum of the City of St. Louis because it is an insane wonderful playground of joy.
Me! Me! I live in St. Louis! Right smack dab in the middle of south city!
*ahem*
Anyway, congrats on school. I can probs give you food advice for a good chunk of the area. Blues City Deli in my old neighborhood is amazing. I eat at Mokabe’s all the time, which is gay-owned and very active in the BLM /Ferguson stuff. Contemporary Art Museum and the St. Louis Art Museum are both kickass and free, if I remember right. There’s also the Kemper right on Wash U’s campus. City Museum is indeed hella fun and only $12ish bucks to get in. If you like zoos, the STL Zoo in Forest Park is free.
The queer scene is a bit cliqueish here, but once you find a group, you’re solid. If you’d ever be up for meeting a fellow Toastie, I have some awesome friends, and they like new people.
I could go on way too much, but I think that’s a start! feel free to ask questions, whatever! You can also email me at potter dot potterson at gmail if you’d like.
I am also going to be living in South City and would love to meet a fellow Toastie once I move in January. My email is solidarkitty at gmail dot com if ya wanna talk!
I don’t live in St. Louis but I visit friends there several times a year, and have my favorite places. Soulard Market (in October, one of the food vendors there had homemade tamales, most excellent), City Museum, yes!, the Botanical Garden, the Zoo, the Fountain on Locust (fancy ice cream place). There are good little cafes and restaurants tucked away in a lot of the neighborhoods.
I’m not sure how crafty would be too intense, but Craft Alliance on Delmar Boulevard might be worth checking out. It’s a class/gallery/workspace for both serious artists and the community. My friends who are potters use the Craft Alliance kilns and teach some classes there, but there’s also fiber arts, metal, painting, etc. the usual community classes. And they have info about other art/craft type things going on.
Toastrons, would there be any interest in a sort of private group (Google or whatever) for people with Complicated Feelings about pregnancy/reproduction etc? I have a lot of thoughts and feelings and not many places where I can discuss them with individuals with a similar world view, and while I love the open thread and everyone who comes here, the very openness make me feel a little :/ and exposed – plus I think it would like feel less of an intrusion on other people’s conversation if it was more of an opt-in sort of deal. I’m not sure what this would look like, even, but am very interested in other people’s thoughts.
Edited to add: would love links to already existing resources! Having a hard time finding a place free of angel baby talk, if you know what I mean.
I would be interested! My thoughts are complicated, but not really conflicted, if that makes sense?
I have been listening to ALL of The Longest Shortest Time podcast, which has been super duper helpful to me on the complicated feels front- although I would say on the whole my feels have become more complicated but also more nuanced, so I don’t necessarily recommend them if your goal is fewer Complicated Feelings. But it’s super great, so probably listen anyways. They also have a facebook group, but is is more “mama” focused, so maybe not quite the right fit (don’t know, haven’t joined).
Man, this is a great recommendation- thank you! I’m not really expecting to find things less complicated as time goes by, but rather trying to sift through my own thoughts and listen to what other people are thinking or feeling with regards to reproduction/ parenting- in whatever various ways they’re dealing with those issues. You’re right, too- I’m not looking for a mama type group specifically. What kind of forum would you be interested in, if I were to set something up? I’m loathe to go with Facebook, but was maybe thinking a Google group?
I am fine with either option! Google is more in charge of my life, generally, but I also maintain a nominal existence on facebook. I don’t really have anyone right now who isn’t a coworker (small office, so….) or my sister, who has her own complicated things, to talk with, so it would be great to have something!
Oh, you might also like Labor Day: True Birth Stories by Today’s Best Women Writers. Since all the writers are authors by occupation it gets a little repetitive in weird ways since their lives share kind of funny similarities, but overall I really enjoyed it (I checked out the audio book from the library, which was well read, but mostly if not all by the same reader, which probably increased the background “sameness” for me).
I’m absolutely going to check this book out, and if I do set up a Google Group, I’ll add it to the Toast Spreadsheet & then post about it on an open thread. As I said down thread, I have so much faith in the commentariat here, and nuanced, thoughtful views are exactly what I’m looking for.
I soooo know what you mean. (love the toast, but have not posted before)
My loss was over 12 years ago. Lots of complicated feels.
<3 to you. If I do end up setting up a Google group, I’ll add it to the Toast spreadsheet and then post about it on an open thread. I would be so interested in hearing about your experience, if you wanted to share it at some point. I have a lot of faith in the thoughtfulness of the Toast commentariat, and feel like there are some really good conversations to be had on some pretty fraught topics.
Thank you, <3. The toast is absolutely a place where I would be able to talk about pregnancy and loss. After my loss (abortion after 20 weeks after a diagnosis of devastating fetal defects) in addition to grieving I felt like I was deficient. I realize that is a toxic assumption that is baked into our culture, tied up in women’s identity and motherhood.
Since then we’ve had 2 healthy children. Each pregnancy was a trial of anxiety, waiting for the unlikely but somehow expected bad news.
The current social/political trend to demonize women who have late term abortions and criminalize termination for medical (or any) reasons fills me with fear and rage.
After my loss I found a lot of support in an online pregnancy loss group, but the ‘angel baby’ theme does not mesh with my world view.
Even after so many years and a lot of work and healing it would be good to talk with others who have complicated feelings about pregnancy and reproduction. Thx.
Maybe it depends on what “complicated feelings” means? I mean, pregnancy was never one of my aspirations, even before I discovered that it makes me *incredibly* ill.
Really, complicated in so many ways. I was never driven to have biological children myself, and as much as I wish I could carry to term, and have a positive experience of pregnancy, I really hate actually being pregnant. (I don’t have HG, but the almost constant nausea and exhaustion and the general feeling of being bodily hijacked is something I’ve struggled with.). I very much want to expand our family and we’re talking about becoming foster parents, but I also know we’d have a good life if we kept it to the two of us. So complicated.
I hate being pregnant, too. I hate the sensation of not being alone in my own body. I know women who genuinely love feeling the baby move, but at best, I was ambivalent about that experience. I love my daughter so much, but I don’t even tell myself that “it was all worth it”–pregnancy is an entirely separate experience from parenthood for me.
There seem to be few spaces to be open about it. Because other women struggle with fertility, there’s enormous social pressure to keep any negative thoughts about being pregnant to yourself. But your feelings are no less valid. *hug*
Salutations Toasties,
This week seems to have been really really NOT GREAT, right? I’m sending you all perfectly toasted, buttery hugs (with Kerrygold butter because it’s my favorite… also I am re-reading “buttery hugs” and it’s not creepy right?).
In my life, I had a really shocking moment with my therapist yesterday that is leading me to question returning. After almost a year together she did a real 180 on her style of speaking with me and called me out on something not-that-huge in a huge way, that was very reminiscent of the way my parents speak to me (something she knows causes me a lot of anguish, and is part of the reason I am in therapy in the first place). I feel like this place that I felt really safe has just been whisked out from under me. And then I had to navigate back home on 2 subways, crying the whole time, which just increased my feelings of mortification and loss of control.
Have you ever had that happen with a therapist? Is it worth going back and hashing it out? I most likely will, but I’m so hurt at the moment I don’t even want to talk to her and the most satisfying thought is to run away and never go to therapy again.
p.s. Roommate drama in the reply! (Yes, I am a disaster this week)
So my roommate is moving out at the end of this month and has just revealed this week she will be taking all the living room and kitchen furniture/supplies with her (after telling me earlier that her bf had so much furniture that as they combine places, she was going to leave a lot here).
It has also become apparent that despite telling me for weeks that she was going to find someone for her room, she has not looked into it until 3 days ago. This is giving me panic attacks and stress dreams galore. I would have been more on top of her but work and my personal life have been insane and honestly, I thought I could trust her.
How am I supposed to sublease a room with an apartment devoid of furniture and dishes? It’s NYC so obviously I could find someone, but I want someone responsible and tidy and nice and I feel like anyone who fits that bill is not going to be searching at the end of the month and choose the place with an empty living room. I don’t have money or time to fill up the place with what she is taking. Also, though nobody has mentioned it, her bf has been living with us this month and is not paying rent or utilities. So… I am going to have to confront her about all of this tomorrow and I don’t want to bc I hate confrontation.
Edited to add: I’m not sure what the point is here but maybe do you have any good craigslist stories or other places to find someone last minute?
Maybe it would be nice for someone who has to move and they have all this furniture they love but right now they’re up all night thinking “oh no, I have to leave behind my beautiful couch… and my coffee table with the storage compartment…. and what if the house I find already has a huge kitchenmaid taking up a quarter of the counterspace…” And then they come in and there’s all this room and they are so happy? I feel like most people will be in that boat, unless they had to escape bedbugs and burnt all their old stuff.
Also, not to minimize your pain, but I think dishes will be the most fun to restock once you get a little time. Isn’t it kinda cool to go dish-shopping in goodwill or those asian markets that sell adorable plates?
ETA I met my very best friend in a craigslist roommate situation. I knew she was the one when we both pulled out the same unpopular teal juke to save each other’s numbers. Good things can come from Craigslist.
PS Make your ad like “need a home AND want to keep your stuff??”, sweep the empty living room, and post a pic of how they can make it their very own? Personally I would love knowing I didn’t have to toss all my shelves and chairs!
This is the positive outlook I needed to hear. To be honest, I have been so entrenched in a world of ” every single thing that could fail in this scenario” that I did not even consider this.
(I’m trying to work on this mindset, but as more things keep going pear-shaped, it’s harder to stay on the path of optimism!)
Crossing my fingers for a new roommate who is respectful and clean and will bring a kitchen table with them!
I live in SF, a similarly insane renters market, and you’ll probably be fine. It will be a stressful process, but there’s no reason to panic just yet. In SF at least, the market is so skewed against people looking for rooms that it is REALLY common for people to move at the last minute, thus setting off a chain reaction of having to find a replacement on really short notice. On more than one occasion I have found roommates in not much more than a week, including when I moved out of my last apartment. Also I honestly don’t think the devoid of furniture and dishes is going to be a dealbreaker. I have had great luck with craigslist roommates, and I found both my apartments in SF relatively last minute and have been very happy with them.
Also I HATE confrontation like nobody’s business, but it still may be worth having a conversation with your roommate basically saying that if you can’t find someone by the end of the month, asking if she can pro-rate next month’s rent. Last month one of my roommates moved out on SUPER short notice (he went from “oh I’m thinking about finding a new place” to “I’m moving next week” in the span of 2 days). My other roommate and I asked if he would split the next month’s rent and he was super understanding about it. Especially since her boyfriend has been living with you guys, maybe see if you could get part of next month covered, to give you some wiggle room (especially with the holiday next week).
Yes I think the holiday coming up is magnifying my anxiety about this, as I will be away for a good 5 days and unable to meet people/organize this. So I am all of a sudden realizing it really needs to happen by Monday night? Eeeeek.
*But* I am glad to hear your roommate was open to splitting rent and being understanding about all that. It makes me more hopeful that mine will be too 🙂
And yay for positive craigslist experiences!!
You have definitely brought me down a few panic levels by sharing all these reassuring experiences so thank you thank you!
Good luck! My experience with craigslist is that the process of finding housing kind of sucks from both ends, but everyone is aware of that, and it often works out well.
Also one thing I found helpful for the finding a new roommate vs. splitting rent is basically presenting it as an either/or situation (which is reasonable!) In my last apartment, I moved out on short notice but really didn’t want to cover rent after I moved because that wasn’t really feasible, so I took full responsibility for finding my replacement. In the situation where my roommate moved and he ended up covering rent, he had no involvement in finding the new person, but by paying part of the next month it made it easier for us. Basically, you can ask your current roommate to do one or the other: find a person to replace them after they move out, or cover costs to allow you to do so.
I haven’t had something like that happen with a therapist, but that fucking sucks. I’m really sorry that happened to you. My dad is a therapist and something he’s emphasized to me over and over is that the one person in the world whose feelings you don’t have to care about is your therapist. In an ideal world, if you tell her directly “that thing you did hurt me because of the stuff we’ve talked about, and I need you to apologize and promise to not do it again, because otherwise I’m not going to be able to feel safe around you,” she should (again, in an ideal world), be able to handle that kind of blunt feedback. I guess I’m just meaning that you shouldn’t feel a need to govern your response around normal social propriety, when it comes to your therapist. (You probably WILL feel that need, or feel scared or unsafe bringing it up — which might make email a good option? — but I just want you to know that according to a Real Life Therapist, you can be as blunt as you want.)
This is super different, but my chiropractor, who had agreed to not crack my neck, totally spaced while we were chatting and cracked my neck unexpectedly. I just started crying on the table (totally unexpected that he would break our agreed upon boundaries, not cause it hurt or anything). He apologized and sat with me until I gave him permission to continue with the session, and didn’t pressure me. He was immediately clear that he was wrong to do that, when I’d said not to, so that sounds different from your situation? But yeah, people who are providing you medical care, especially mental health care, should be responsive to your needs.
This is really encouraging to hear! Thanks to your Dad for giving you such good advice to pass on.
While physical and mental health are different, I bet the jarring sense that a safe healing space and trusted practitioner suddenly felt the opposite, was the same for both of us 🙁
It sounds like your chiro dealt with in a really professional way that made you feel safe, which is a nice ending to a scary moment 🙂
I left my first therapist due to no longer feeling safe with her–she framed an exercise she wanted to lead me through as a “guided meditation” but in practice it came through uncomfortably close to hypnosis and she took me mentally into some places I didn’t want to go. I had had misgivings about trying the exercise at all, but she had been so earnest about “I think this will really help you!” that I didn’t feel like I could say no.
My big takeaway from the experience is 1) it is okay to say no to something a doctor tells you to do! and 2) it is okay to walk away. You are not obligated to hash things out with her.
What I did was find myself another therapist off psychologytoday’s listings, make sure my bills were paid up with the first therapist, and never spoke to her again. I hashed out the saying-no/boundaries/control issues with my new therapist instead. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to avoid her. She did a thing which was hurtful to you and you have no obligation to keep engaging with her.
Bottom line: a doctor is providing you a service. If she is not providing an adequate service, you are totally justified in switching providers. Your only obligation to her is to pay her for the services already rendered. You do not owe her an apology.
Oh my gosh!!! Ok that sounds really scary and I’m glad you were able to step away from her and find someone else, and establish boundaries with that new person.
I’m going to talk to my therapist first thing at our next meeting and tell her about how upset I was. Depending on her reaction, I guess I will see if I want to continue. Eesh.
I just got to the dress/party scene in Rebecca tonight (and then the later scene with the balcony and the fog) and now I’m depressed. My god, Danvers is a monster. I need a palette cleanser.
In the book? When I got to that point it was about 10pm and I was about to put it down but was suddenly like “MUST FINISH” and I powered through and was late to my class the next day. Always here for Rebecca content.
Yes in the book. I was planning to just read one chapter and then it was that chapter so I ended up reading for a little while after, but at a certain point it was too much and I had to put it down. It’s soooooo goooood though. I’m really blown away by this book and confused that it’s not a bigger deal!
Fingers crossed that this week’s announcement of the 2015 Sexiest Man Alive nets us a new post on the topic. (Aaaaand screw People Magazine for yet another white guy.)
YOU GUYS. I’m reading Bill Bryson’s book “At Home”, about the history of domestic settings/architecture, and in his section about the bedroom he talks about how syphilis killed a ton of people, etc. etc. But here’s a little segue from him that I have copied-pasted:
Even without the unnerving interventions of surgeons, there were plenty of ways to die in the pre-modern world. For the City of London, the death rolls – or Bills of Mortality as they were known in England – for 1758 list 17,576 deaths from more than eighty causes. Most deaths, as might be expected, were from smallpox, fever, consumption or old age, but among the more miscellaneous causes listed (with original spellings) were:
choaked with fat
1
itch
2
froze to death
2
St Anthony’s fire
4
lethargy
4
sore throat
5
worms
6
killed themselves
30
French pox
46
lunatick
72
drowned
109
mortification
154
teeth
644
How exactly ‘teeth’ killed so many seems bound to remain for ever a mystery.
Historical people were parodies of themselves, tbh.
TEETH?!
Edited to add: wait… It could be sepsis from an infected tooth?? Maybe?
Yes – as soon as sugar was introduced in England in the 16th century, tooth (gum, etc.) disease skyrocketed. They were nuts. Rotting teeth, poorly extracted teeth, generally sick faces, sepsis, etc. (There was a wonderful “Hidden Killers” on the Tudor period that described this as well.)
I used to have a research job going through the London chronicles and “billiards” was also a cause of death! So glad others are contemplating these things.
Brussels Toasties, I hope you are safe. I was supposed to move there today for a new job starting on Monday – was about to get on the train when my dad phoned and told me not to go. The pictures look like some kind of dystopian future, but I’m hating on myself for giving in to fear. Everything is so crazy. I’m sitting in London feeling really overwhelmed. Wish I could take to the sea.
I’m a beginning ESL teacher and most of my students are young girls from China, 16-18. Wondering if anyone has suggestions for young adult lit that could help them make sense of life / growing up a woman / Asian in the USA?
Thirteen days to write five pages. Of course I'm reading this thread instead of researching.
Dude, that is super-impressive and awesome! Keep going!