Because why not have a cucumber in your 15th century religious painting?! Live a little! Hope you’re all looking forward to enjoying doing something uniquely fabulous in the coming days. And no Star Wars spoilers (okay, you can start a thread and say STAR WARS SPOILERS TO FOLLOW, but The Bartender has earned your kindness and cannot see it until Monday.) Open-thread!
STAR WARS THOUGH
NO SPOILERS HERE
The theater was so tiny (seriously, look up Montpelier Capitol Showplace on googlemaps), but somehow that might’ve made it better than seeing it on a giant screen? You were so close to the emotions and reactions of this very compact group of people and they were so vocal about them and if you want to remember what Star Wars is all about watch it surrounded by rows full of young children. They all loved it. They clapped and laughed and gasped and screamed at all the right notes and I sat through the whole thing feeling like a little kid watching A New Hope for the first time on tv. The critical adult brain was firmly off. I actually peeked through my fingers at certain points. I had regressed to a seven year. Well played, film.
My The Force Awakens experience in gif format, presented in no particular order. (And largely without context.)
That was all I really wanted.
This is 100% exactly my experience and feelings about it (look up Bijou By The Bay in Traverse City, for comparison’s sake), thank you for summarizing so nicely <3
That sounds WONDERFUL. So glad you had such a good experience!
I knew I was watching our showing with a great crowd to watch when a family walked in (Mom was Rey, Dad was Poe, and their kid was wearing an inflatable (!) BB-8 costume) and the entire theater erupted into cheers and applause. I normally roll my eyes when people clap their hands after a movie but 112% joined in all of the cheering as familiar faces popped on the screen. There is A Moment that I observed with the family that I am bursting to share but is spoilery so I will just keep it to myself and scroll down until I find an appropriate place to share
I loved it!!!!!
I was really having such a moment of defeated exhaustion earlier this week after a date I was looking forward to turned into a debate about feminism, and honestly I came out of this movie a NEW PERSON. I wanted to hug every single actor and also JJ (.
And I’m jealous of my friend’s brand new baby girl who gets to grow up in a world where Rey is in her Star Wars cannon from day 1. I teared up multiple times during the screening just because of interactions and relationships and also when Finn first sees Rey… I essentially did a double take it was SUH GOOD.
I am shocked at how much I loved it, and how I already know I’m going to see it like 5 more times. LOVED IT.
(*whispers* Aaaaand also at various points I imagined being in a poly quad with Rey and Finn and Poe.)
There were maybe 20 people in my theater at the 7:30 show yesterday (how?????????) and I squealed with delight, laughed hysterically at parts, cried lots at others, and clung onto my boyfriend at parts I was really excited over. I may have bounced more than is appropriate for movies.
I am currently having a very long email discussion with Work Husband, who is the #1 Star Wars Fan and I am very interested to hear his responses to things and man, I haven’t had anything to brainstorm/theorize this much over since Five Nights at Freddy’s and awww.
IS IT 2017 YET
RIGHT??
So I teared up at That Scene, as everyone else did, but I think I got MORE emotional at the very final scene. like. i have never been edgy. i was never into the dark side. Han Solo wasn’t even my favorite in the original trilogy! I’ve always been about LUKE. I see ALL of the appeal of Han and damn if he isn’t super attractive, but I can’t deny where my true heart lies.
I have and always will be naive, innocent, pacifist, paragon, straight-up hall monitor-protagonist trash.
That final scene made my heart seize up. It was like watching the terrible self-insert Star Wars OC I made as a 10 year old come to life.
THE SCENE. What punched my heart the most about that was not what was happening on the screen, but watching the parents in front of me put their arms around their small son and hugging him.
**no face falling into a sea of feels**
omg! yes! my friend brought his 7 year old and he pulled her into his lap at that scene. they were both emotional 🙁
THAT SCENE
Watching it through my fingers, yo. Like a champ.
STAR WARS. Absolutely incredible. I had unfortunately high expectations (because I love everyone involved to an absurd degree), and not only did it meet them, it surpassed them. Finn was the best (all the heart eye emoji for John Boyega, which is a big deal for me in a movie with Oscar Isaac and Domhnall Gleeson). It had the right balance of nostalgia and newness to it. Everyone in it was fantastic. And I just want to go see it again right this second!!!
this seems like such a weird thing about but there were SO many women in the background, and that made me so happy. women with jobs! women with throwaway lines! women with no lines, walking by and doing things! women in roles that, in most movies, are given to white men by default! like there was an intention on the part of the directory to buck white-man-as-default-extra casting and I loved it. I LOVED it.
Moments of Random Female Stormtrooper #19 were some of my favorite moments.
I definitely noticed this. Women just showed up because women exist in this universe, and I honestly really appreciated that. Women on both sides, women doing all sorts of things, women in random crowd scenes. At no point did Rey visually or narratively “stand out” for being a prominent female character, and I think that’s depressingly rare.
ALSO. The number of dudes of all ages (from super little to approaching decrepit) that I heard praising Rey’s character as they left the theater was pretty damn awesome. And not in a ‘she was hot’ way, but in a ‘she was the bomb’ way.
If I had a heart it might have grown two sizes.
I’M GOING TO SEE IT TONIGHT I AM SO EXCITED
loved reading about all of the amazing friendships in the open thread earlier this week. Man, we are lucky to have such awesome people in our lives. But Toasties are also awesome! Go Fug Yourself did a brag post a couple weeks ago and it was amazing to see what all these badass, inspiring, strong, smart women do.
Brag post. What are YOU proud of? What makes you an awesome friend to others? What have you accomplished this year (or this life) that you’re proud of? I want to revel in every one of you awesome people!
For myself: this year I published more articles here, I wrote a blog for a full year that I’m super excited about and I just love (http://yahistoricalvault.wordpress.com). I’m really proud of myself for sticking with it weekly for a full year, 2000 words a week, and I’m going to buy my domain in January for another year of blogging.
That’s awesome! 2000w/wk is no mean feat.
I really love your blog!! I have been reading a lot of the Dear America/Dear Canada reviews you have written and vaguely remembering some of the titles.
I need to be a better blogger, but I am happy with the direction mine has taken, and I think that my year is ending on a pretty high note! I have a great new job, great relationships and friendships and really I can’t ask for much more than that.
Thanks! And I Really Really Enjoy your blog too!
It’s a fun blog, too! Kudos to you aravisthequeen!
This looks like a blast, I know what I’ll be reading between writing student comments!
And I am definitely checking out your blog now. GWENYTH AND THE THIEF WOW I was so sure that I was the only one who had even looked at that book. Bye, today’s productivity!
OH MY GOD those books. THOSE BOOKS.
I was SO INTO teen romances when I was that age (Lurlene McDaniel, hellooooo). I owned another one and now I can’t remember what it was called. Sofia….Sofia and…the something, and Google is telling me that no such Avon Historical Teen Romance existed. Crap! Maybe I’m misremembering. But I do remember liking Belle and the Beau, though I could not tell you a damn thing about it (or Gwenyth and the Thief, for that matter. Probably for the best on that part.)
aravisthequeen, I really love reading your stuff and wish I had better access to Canadiana so I could read along more.
I’ve survived year two of the hardest years (tween) in my disabled older child’s life and managed to yell somewhat less and provide somewhat more empathy. I found her a new school. And have also worked full time and helped some other people and sustained a happy relationship and mostly been there for my other daughter, and baked quite a lot. That sounds more baseline survival-y than it has been. Joy has been kept alive from time to time, and I’ve enjoyed people and places around me.
Hard year. Still going.
I would like to brag! I started applying to law schools about a month ago and I’ve already been accepted to 3– and they’re all very good, rankings- and location-wise. I got a hefty scholarship to one, too, which is rad. Still have a lot to hear back from, but– I’m going to law school!
Thank you for letting me brag here, Toasties. A friend of mine is also in the process of applying to law schools and so I’ve forbidden myself from posting anything about acceptances on social media to avoid inadvertently causing anxiety or hurting feelings.
YAY CONGRATS!!!!
Congratulations……. Although afterwards you will have to be a lawyer…… 🙁
Seriously, law school was some of the best times of my life. I loved it. And I love being a lawyer too. I guess that’s my brag – I have a job that I absolutely love and I get to do interesting things (at least most of the time). And I get to feel smart when everyone around me is being stupid. 🙂
If you want law school advice, let’s figure out a way to connect!
Thank you! I’m working a job that I’m happy with, currently, but the goal with law school is to go from a bearable job to a job I truly enjoy. And it’s just incredibly reassuring to hear that that’s what you got out of it. (Especially because people’s knee-jerk reaction to the words “law school” seems to be “in this economy??”)
To be real, though, I am intensely not looking forward to going back to school. Going from “having a salary” to “paying tuition” is going to be a real slap in the face.
To be fair, “in this economy” is also what I am thinking……. Seriously, take the scholarship if you can. Unless you get a chance to go to a T-15 or so, in which case, do it. The amount of money I paid (actually my mom paid, thanks mom, you are responsible for my entire success!!!) for a name-brand school has totally paid off.
Augh, no, not to go off on you but I brought up that reaction because I *hate* when people have that reaction, especially when they don’t know my circumstances. What is it about law school vs other grad school that acts as a lightning rod for unsolicited advice? (I’m so sorry to single you out it’s not you it’s the trend)
It’s just that I know a lot of people who think that lawshcool is a golden ticket. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing that, which is very good. Full disclosure that is totally why I went to lawschool! No marketable skills, bachelors in music of all things. And then got into 3L year without a job offer on the table and FREAKED OUT. I ended up doing ok but I know lots of people who didn’t have offers coming out, and nothing to fall back on either, and it was really scary, especially for people who had massive student loan debt… So, I guess what I’m saying is, be careful, but still, I’m not going to tell anyone not to go into my profession because I absolutely love it.
Another warning – you have to love it. And you have to love listening to people (clients) blather on and on with inane questions while you know the answer right away, both because they don’t want to shut up and because billable hours. Lots of times lawyering is like therapy…
Congrats!!!!
A (former)friend told me she appreciated that I said what everyone was thinking when nobody else had the guts to say it. I wonder if she remembered that conversation when I broke up with her because she was becoming an abusive alcoholic. =/
I promised myself that 2015 would be the year I started to make things happen. So I finally moved out the town where I was very unhappy, found a place in the city where I have wanted to live for years, came up with more story ideas, learned some useful skills for both jobs and my personal hobby, met lots of people and proved I can be out going, and learned to work through bouts of depression and frustration.
I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to for this year (never managed to get published), but I’m so glad I jumpstarted the next phase of my life.
WOW. Super impressive!!!
I posted about this below but I submitted my capstone this week which means that I AM FINALLY GETTING MY BA DEGREE, at the youthful age of only 30!!!
AWESOME YOU ARE AWESOME
This year I finished my masters degree! I am now a master of comparative politics!
I wrote my thesis on a topic that I am super passionate about (how to increase women’s political representation in post-conflict countries) and even though it wasn’t as in-depth as I’d wanted it to be (to be fair, I only had 3 months to write it) it was still solid and good and I like to talk about it at parties.
Also I was out with friends last nite, and one of them told me he always loves hanging out with me because I have a lot of interesting things to say and he always learns something new when I’m around. That felt good as hell.
That is a terrific compliment to give a person.
This is kind of a vague brag, but this is the first year in my life that I’ve felt truly competent in all the various areas of my life. Like, I have handled some SHIT this year, and I have (mostly) handled it in a timely, effective, and graceful manner. A coworker of my husband told him that I exuded pure competence, or something along those lines, and it pretty much made my day.
Basically “very competent” is about the highest compliment I can pay someone, or myself.
That is excellent. I think we all aspire to be you in our own ways.
Oof, this is a good question! It’s been a rough year, mental health wise, and I haven’t accomplished nearly as much personally and professionally as I wanted to.
But, what I am proud of: I got through a bad period of depression with my support group intact — I was able to be there and support my friends at the same time that they were supporting me. Ending the year with these people feels really good.
Anyway, I’m so happy you’re continuing your blog for the next year! It’s been so fun to read!
I found long-hidden history things. I still haven’t hammered out writing them up as something pretty yet, but I found them and that’s really all that counts, right? I’ll just keep telling myself that. And keep finding more history things.
Also, I own a pink velvet couch. That’s got to count for something.
A lot of things!
(pink or emerald green velvet couch is one of my dream furniture items)
Also, very curious about these history items.
I EAGERLY AWAIT THE WRITING
AHAHAHAHA NEVER.
I am the worst at writing. The absolute worst. Words cannot describe my intense hatred of writing oh god why
I left a stupid job that was making me unhappy, but managed to stay in touch with a lot of people from that job who are important to me. And I planned and executed a major move across state lines all by myself. (Well, I hired people to do the actual moving of boxes.) And I paid off my student loans! (But I’ve already shared that here.)
This year I decided I would walk the distance from Hobbiton to Mount Doom (1779 miles for those curious) and I am a scant 119 miles away! It will take me about 8 miles a day in order to finish before the new year BUT I AM GOING TO DO IT.
This is an adorable goal and I love it so very much! That is a lot of mileage and you should be proud. I think I may have to do this one.
It has been so fun! And absolutely the most success I’ve ever had in staying motivated to walk more. If you are interested, check out this website, which has lists of locations and mileage and such: http://home.insightbb.com/~eowynchallenge/
This is a great idea and I love hearing what everyone’s up to.
I think I became a better communicator this year–better at saying “no” when no was the real answer, better at asking questions and asking for clarification when I needed it instead of trying to bull through (and LISTENING to the answers), better at indicating where my boundaries were, better at being responsive to what I heard.
Also, I did another round of this: https://climateanxietycounseling.wordpress.com/ab…
I have stopped apologizing constantly.
I am still apologizing more than I need to but it’s slowly leaving me. I am more confident when I don’t feel like I need to follow up a third of my exchanges with “Sorry about thing that is not even really a problem!” and I think I’m also a better communicator – if I actually have something I’m concerned about I engage in a conversation around it instead of dumping it all on myself.
My sister pointed me toward this and I’m trying (often unsuccessfully) to remember it: when you’re tempted to say sorry in the way you’re talking about here, try saying “thank you” instead. Like instead of “sorry I’m taking up so much of your time” be like “thank you for giving me so much of your time.” Or “Thanks so much for waiting for me,” etc. It’s good for your mind and lets the other person feel like they’re doing something nice (if they are)!
Like I said, I’m SOMETIMES remembering to do this but I really like the idea of it and am willing to put some weight behind it in the coming days.
That’s such good advice, and I came to it the wrong way ’round: by realizing that when [someone I love dearly] habitually apologizes to me for requesting [whatever], I feel like they’re tacitly urging me to excuse them and minimize my own needs; when they thank me, I get to feel magnanimous by supplying what I can and it provides a gentle point where I can draw a boundary.
It took a surprisingly long time before I put that idea to work in my own speech, though. It’s really gratifying how well it expresses what I usually mean, by centering the conversation around their generosity instead of my desire for reassurance.
Wow, yeah, that’s such a good point about the differing effects of “Sorry” and “Thank you” on the RECEIVER. I think you came to it a fine way ’round! Recognizing the kind of communication we prefer doesn’t mean that we always get it, but it means we can ask for it (and understand our reactions to it better).
This is such a good way of framing that language change!
Your sister is a genius super special unicorn and this tactic may be the thing that helps me banish the sorrys for good.
I couldn’t agree more! She’s one of the smartest, bravest people I know. I hope this tactic works for both of us!
This is incredible advice, and I’m adding it to my new year’s resolutions.
Was it based on this? http://brightside.me/article/stop-saying-sorry-if… I’ve been seeing it around a lot lately.
I discovered how to be both very happy and very sad without breaking. Graduated after writing a thesis that I love. Got a job that I feel okay about and will lead to good things, and figured out what I want to do with my life at least broadly (and broadly is fine for right now).
Also, the movement that I basically started by being every anonymous quote in the early stories about the issue (which were stories I pitched) has started to become mainstream and got some big wins!
My accomplishment is that I have started to work on processing events from my past that I had previously been ignoring and writing off. I haven’t achieved much so far, but the work I’ve been able to do has certainly changed my life a lot this year.
It feels like so, so, so long ago, but within this calendar year, I edited a book that was heavily featured, liked, and recommended by Oprah. Which, in my stock and trade, is a really big deal regardless of what anyone personally thinks of Oprah. I also got engaged to my long term partner. And I changed jobs. There was a ton of trauma in between all of these things, but THANK YOU @aravisthequeen for reminding me to think about this year in terms of the good stuff & not the ohmygodiwouldperfernottowakeuptomorrow stuff.
That is so flipping exciting – congratulations!
What a great idea!
I got to play a dream role in August (Puck in A Midsummer Night’s Dream) and I totally rocked it (well, I think so, anyway.) And recently a friend told me that she admires my “keep it cool, seize the moment, live and let live” attitude, which I want to brag about because I can be REALLY neurotic and anxious but am apparently good at hiding it (I attribute this to kickass boots and judicious use of leather jackets.)
I would like to brag! This year I decided enough was enough at my job that was making me miserable and sick and just generally awful to be around, and after an intensive search landed an amazing gig in a great new city dealing with content that I love. AND it will allow for my partner and I to live in the same place for the first time in about a year and a half.
I’m still a little in shock over how quickly it all happened but am so beyond proud of myself for making it happen and escaping to restart and recharge myself. Brag! Brag! Brag!
-end brag-
Geez, now that you ask I’ve essentially changed my whole life this year and I’m pretty stoked about it!
The thing I’m most proud of currently, though: I work in fundraising for a nonprofit and have been working really hard to raise more money by getting our staff and board to a place where they’re more comfortable and willing to ask people for donations. Last night we had a board meeting and one of the members who had at first been like “lol no I’m not doing any of that” spoke eloquently about why raising money from our own community instead of just from foundations is important, committed to doing some asks and told my boss I’m great. Then I asked if one of them would be willing to do an appeal at the holiday party we were having later in the evening and I had to push them to say yes, and when they did it raised $2000.
That’s huge! Congrats! Getting the board to actively participate in fundraising is major!
This was a big up and down year for me! I finished three more semester of part time grad school and made it through The Great Face Injury of 2015. I even got my insurance to pay for most everything they were supposed to and survived getting my nose re-broken while awake. In more fun news, I started a band!! Even if we have not played for an audience, I took something that had always been a joke dream and am living it. And I got a new job, which has been such a financial relief. So basically, I am proud with juggling everything that came at me this year, and getting through it. Not giving up on school, or job searching, or insurance fighting, or just on hope that I could like, smile again (like literally smile again, had a bunch of stitches in my lip).
I wrote and handed in my thesis, and then went on to write another two papers, the second of which I will hand in on Monday, and then I’ll be a graduate!!
I also started working for a radio programme in February (I write short pieces and narrate them myself), and while this can be challenging, it makes me very happy. I can practically feel my progress in writing and narrating, and all of this makes me very proud of myself.
I finished exposure and response prevention therapy for OCD 🙂
This year, I took steps to improve some parts of my personality- knee-jerk reactions, saying things I don’t mean- that I didn’t like about myself. My 2016 mantra is Respond, Don’t React. It feels good to have goals.
I feel like I’ve moved into full fledged adulthood in the past couple of years. I’ve built my freelance business to the point where it’s pretty consistently sustainable and I bought a house this year (in a market where I’m confident that buying was a VERY good financial decision). I feel like my life is settling into where it’s supposed to be for me, which is nice coming off of a couple of really rough years.
I’ve sort of unintentionally become the organizer for a good group of friends which isn’t something I’ve thought to be proud of before, but is the thing that keeps us coming together and having evenings full of convos where we build each other up. So yea, maybe I should take pride in that 🙂
Being the organizer is a wonderful thing because sometimes everyone in the friend group is great and likes each other but is just rubbish at sustaining the connection without some kind of structure. I’m becoming more of an organizer as I get older and it feels good! Also you can’t get left out of things if you’re always the one with the plans.
I started my video game that will hopefully teach relationship skills to high school students so they can stop accidentally emotionally abusing each other.
It’s based on a 5-year grant study, so there’s real science behind it. I’ve finished the tech demo, and am now adding art, so it’s no longer hypothetical, and someday soon my Impostor Syndrome may settle down.
It won’t be a big or noticeable-enough project to inspire the wrath of GamerGate types, but I know if it does I can rely on you to hide/defend me!
This is so important and amazing. Please let us know when it’s available for a trial playthrough?
Will do. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
My job has been kicking my ass in a bad way this year (in short, waaaaaay too much of my least favorite parts of it taking up all my time and making me fall behind on the parts I like), and I was dreading talking about it at my year-end review with my team lead the other day, but the call went SO WELL and she said some really fantastic things about me, like that her boss’s boss can’t shut up about how much he liked working with me on one particular project OVER A YEAR AGO, and I asked for a raise and she was like, oh yeah, I’m totally going to do my best to get you one, so: !!!!
I am going to end the year with about 29.8k in savings. 0n August 24 2012 I had 59 dollars in my bank account and in the intervening three years I have been working entry level retail and for a brief glorious 11 months entry level retail + a warehouse gig that paid 13/hr (11 for the first 90 days).
and thats 29.8 after buying a phone, a computer, a car, moving and a couple of college courses.
this is amazing! and wonderful! congratulations!
I have been very lucky. There have been a couple incidents that could have ended in serious injury, and at least one inexplicable health scare (sudden massive swelling of a lymph node in my jaw that just went away on its own).
I also have a very precise level of what is probably depression such that I have no hobbies, no desire to do anything that might cost money, no belief that I should buy better fitting clothes, and no friends/social obligation. I am however capable of getting out of bed every morning and going to work. So that’s been very helpful in saving up.
Next year: College full time for a second degree.
I am trying to come to terms with the idea that my compassion and kindness and ability to connect with people are things to be proud of, rather than “things everyone is capable of.” It’s hard, when these things are coded as feminine traits and devalued in our society. There’s been so much (amazing!) discussion around emotional labor this year, and I feel stuck in this weird place where doing emotional labor is not only something I’m good at, it’s something I ENJOY in a lot of circumstances.
it’s hard to be ok with the fact that I’ll never be Tough and Badass and Uncaring, and to see value in being smiley and kind and compassionate. But that’s apparently who I am, so I’m trying to be proud of it.
They are SKILLS. I hope you can feel ever prouder of your ability to do these kinds of difficult, delicate, expertise-requiring things.
Those are terrific things, and they’re really downplayed a lot in pop culture lately (witness the conversation around “I don’t have feelings, I’m a robot” or “WHAT IS THIS FEELING” or anything along those lines) and you SHOULD be proud of something you’re good at. Rock on with yourself. See the value in what you are good at, because it is incredibly valuable and important–far more than a lot of people realize.
I am proud of surviving my first full season of teaching REAL outdoor ed. Right now that’s a big one. It was a very long season and there were some definite trials and tribulations, but I made it through, and got really positive reviews from students and visiting teachers. I’m pretty happy about that. I worked a lot of 14-hour days, and was still smiling by the end of a lot of them.
What makes me an awesome friend? I’m very, very intuitive and can read people pretty keenly.
Just this very moment, I sold my first ever thing that I made! It’s a painting and it’s totally amateurish but someone insisted on paying me $50 for it!
I’m revising my novel. Which means I finished a draft! Of a whole novel!
And I recently stood up for myself in a tough work situation and impressed my coworkers with my leadership skills.
I love this thread! So many wonderful toastie people doing wonderful things.
For myself, I am proud of finally managing to get my life in a stable enough place (money-wise, housing-wise, immigration status-wise) to adopt two kittens and feel confident I can give them a good home. They have been busy destroying my curtains and disrupting my sleep pattern for the last several months and I LOVE EVERY MINUTE.
On 3 January 2015, my partner and I drove 13 hours home from our families, and he alternately yelled at me and ignored me the entire 13 hours because the route I’d chosen meant I was selfish, reckless, and severely mentally ill. He said he couldn’t believe I wanted to start talking marriage/kids, because I was too crazy to commit to. It was the worst day of my life, but I felt completely trapped an unable to see a way out of the relationship, and more than half convinced that maybe everything he was saying about me was true, because after all, he was the one who had to live with me so obviously everyone else was just too far away to see my obvious damage.
In a couple of hours I’m jumping on a plane (alone) to repeat the trip home. In the intervening time I’ve managed to:
– leave my ex and stay gone, even when he was using every emotionally manipulative trick in the book to beg me to come back;
– get through the break up by surrounding myself with friends and hobbies and exercise, and feeling sad and guilty and stupid for taking so long, but never once like I made a mistake;
– work with my therapist, GP and psychiatrist to diagnose me with ADHD and start treatment;
– get promoted at work and begin to build a reputation with the executive as someone who can lead on complex and tricky projects, but who is also committed to advancing other women in my organisation;
– move into an awesome apartment that makes me so happy every time I walk into it – and keep it in reasonable shape thanks to the aforementioned ADHD treatment;
– give a kick-ass, funny, and sweet off-the-cuff speech at my friend’s wedding;
– support another friend through a really difficult year and believe her when she tells me how much I mean to her; and
– realise what an amazing group of friends I’ve built here, and for the first time begin to think that maybe I deserve them, and feel like my self image is beginning to match their perception of me.
I started out calling this Shitfest 2015, but now I can’t even recognise my life from a year ago. I couldn’t have done any of it without the love and support of my friends and family, but for the first time I’m beginning to understand that maybe it’s not just luck that I have such great people in my life.
Two weeks until 2016, Toasties, and to 2015 I say: GOOD RIDDANCE.
It was a rough year, but let’s focus on the positive for a moment: I want to hear your year-end top five! Top five what? Top five anything! Top 5 meals, top 5 clothing items, top 5 sing-along car bops, top 5 dogs… gimme 5 of anything.
Top 5 new singer/songwriters discovered:
1) Lily Hiatt
2) Kelly Mickwee
3) Rhiannon Giddens
4) The Mynabirds (technically not a new discovery since I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH THE LEAD SINGER SO AM COOL BY PROXY)
5) Kathleen Edwards
I have heard of basically none of these, but if they’re your top 5 discoveries, I’ll check them out! Any starter-song suggestions?
WHY YES. Let me know if you like any of them! They are all on spotify but I just bought 1 album from each, 2 copies – 1 to give as a Christmas gift and 1 for ME so I don’t have to listen to the news in the car! If I had to go with just one suggestion it would be Mynabirds. Great music and each album has a different style so it’s always something new.
1) Lily Hiatt – Far Away, Machine
2) Kelly Mickwee – Dark Side of Town. This has seriously become one of my favorite songs of all time.
3) Rhiannon Giddens – She’s Got You and Tomorrow Is My Turn.
4) The Mynabirds (technically not a new discovery since I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH THE LEAD SINGER SO AM COOL BY PROXY) – Semantics from their latest album, Buffalo Flower from the album Generals, and Good Heart from their first one – Good Heart was what my spouse and I danced to at our wedding!!!
5) Kathleen Edwards – Oil Man’s War, Asking for Flowers
Rhiannon Giddens is a *gift*. Are the other artists you recommended anything like her?
I think Mynabirds is probably most like her. Their first album especially. Lily Hiatt and Kelly Mickwee are more in the country style. Kathleen Edwards is sort of in between country and plan sort of singer-songwriter. I don’t want to call any of them “pop” because that implies sort of bubblegum vapidness and that isn’t a characteristic I’d describe to any of them.
If you like Rhiannon Giddens you might also try Laura Burhenn’s solo stuff. She’s the lead singer of the Mynabirds, and she’s done solo recordings in the past that aren’t as well produced, but are very lovely. There’s a song called “Tattoo” that is just great. Here it is on the youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OB4BFPi2P8
It is one of my life goals to be thought of as a person with Good Musical Ideas and Tastes… 🙂
And yes, RG is someone I very recently found (I love the spotify “artists like this” function) and I am so amazed.
Thanks so much! I can’t wait to look into these. 🙂
Top Five 2015s of 2015:
1. Getting married (associated: seeing relatives from overseas)
2. Amazing honeymoon
3. Super-rad new job
4. So much beach over the summer/didn’t train for and run a marathon
5. Media in the form of Hamilton and Star Wars
I realize this maybe isn’t the type of top-five list you were looking for by eh, I had a pretty darn good year.
Solid top 5!
Top Five movies:
1) Jupiter Ascending
2) Mad Max: Fury Road
3) Star Wars
4) The Martian (I hated the book, but the movie did a good job of fixing all the problems I had)
5) Inside Out
Honorable Mention: Magic Mike XXL. I have yet to see it, but I hear it’s awesome. I do have plans to see it in the nearish future.
4)
For all its faults, 2015 was pretty good for movies, wasn’t it? I haven’t seen 3-5 but JA, MM:FR and MMXXL were def my top
It was, and it wasn’t really the movies I was expecting! Marvel and Jurassic World let me down. But my top two just came out of left field
For its many faults, 2015 was still the year that gave us:
1. Mad Max Fury Road
2. Hamilton (soundtrack)
3. Magic Mike XXL
4. Toast redesign
5. Mallory as Dear Prudie
This is a great Year In Toast list 🙂
Top Five Books:
1. Carol Rifka Brunt- Tell The Wolves I’m Home (omggggggggg feelings)
2. Robert Jackson Bennett- City of Stairs
3. Charlotte Gordon: Romantic Outlaws- the Remarkable Lives of Mary Wollstonecraft and her Daughter Mary Shelley
4. Mary Renault- The Persian Boy
5. Elizabeth Wein- Code Name Verity/Rose Under Fire (no I cannot pick)
(narrowed down from 15, further narrowed down from like 40 because I read a lot of good books this year.)
omg Tell the Wolves, that was so good! It was a 2014 book for me, though. Hmmmmm top 5 books, this is hard. Maybe, top 5 book related things:
1. toastie recommendations (Tessa Dare, mostly, so far) made me a convert to the romance genre.
2. so many chances to support comics authors I read on the internet for free, by buying their books (Nimona! New Kate Beaton! Our Super Adventure! Super Mutant Magic Academy!)
3. finding a signed copy of Dealing with Dragons and re-reading that beloved series
4. only a couple books I really, genuinely, did not like. whether it’s internet recommendations or me getting better at knowing what I’ll like, this was a good year for not picking up crummy books.
5. finding authors on twitter and subsequently having them explode my to-read pile with recs, but also getting to listen in on their conversations is just the best.
Tessa Dare is one of my new favorites (actually, one of her books was on my longer list. A Week To Be Wicked, it’s like everything I ever wanted out of a romance novel ever.) I sort of started with comics this year, which has never really been my thing, but I quite enjoyed Lumberjanes and Bitch Planet.
I just read A Week To Be Wicked! So funny, and in such a nerdy way.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh Tell the Wolves I’m Home was SO GOOD. I loved it!
I just want to throw it at everyone I’ve ever met and force them to read it.
I love Code Name Verity more than anything! And I’m reading the Persian boy right now but half the pages fell out because it’s my grandfather’s copy and about 40 years old.
top 5 neighborhood dogs:
1. the old pug mix who lives next door who I hear panting excitedly when he goes out for a walk, and who sometimes can be heard chewing squeaky toys in the wee hours of the night
2. these three yorkies, whose ringleader is a devious adorable scamp
3. the three-legged pitbull who is soft and kind and who gets around surprisingly well considering she is missing a leg
4. the pair of terriers who are extremely yappy but also very charming
5. the black lab puppy who refused to keep going on his walk and lay down in the sidewalk until his owner hoisted him over his shoulder to carry him home
Oh my this is a wonderful list. Please kiss all of them for me.
Top five vacations? Top five vacations!
1. Flying to Italy for Spring Break to celebrate my BFF’s birthday (she was studying abroad there) and getting in the car and just driving through the beautiful countryside, getting lost beyond belief, and figuring out where we were sleeping when we got to wherever we got. It was an adventure I will never forget.
2. ICELAND! AKA the best proof of nature’s majesty that has ever existed. Plus the people and the culture just felt like home.
3. Puerto Rico with the family! Scuba diving, beaches, getting lost beyond belief, meeting up with lifelong friends in San Juan by accident, fish galore!
4. Roadtrip to Canada with my sister and one lifelong friend to celebrate the wedding of another lifelong friend! AKA getting the ENTIRE crew, loving parents included, back together for a weekend of togetherness, joy, and yes, getting lost.
5. Scotland! Sheep! Cows! Castles! Cashmere! Countryside! Boys!
I was so blessed to be able to travel to so many places, try so many new things, have so many adventures, and spend time with such amazing people. Those are just my top five!
Who else had grand adventures this year?
Top 5 theatre productions I saw this year:
1. Fun Home
2. The Handmaid’s Tale
3. Into the Woods
4. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead*
5. Hamlet*
*these two were done by the same theatre, using mostly the same cast, which was awesome and enhanced both productions to an unbelievable degree
That Hamlet/R&G combo sounds AMAZING and something I would like to participate in, posthaste.
That last combo sounds SUPER COOL.
It was great! I only wish the R&G production had been able to hang onto the woman who played Hamlet in Hamlet (Zainab Jah, who I believe may have been the first black woman to play Hamlet in a professional production? something like that, at least)–she was fantastic, and it would’ve been interesting to see her take on Stoppard’s version of the character as well.
I LOVE the R&G/Hamlet combo, it is my favorite way to see both of those shows.
Top five office, yes office, dogs:
1. Zipper, the black lab who sometimes has a hard time understanding that she must wait her turn to zoom up the staircase as two-legged humans are on their way down and are easy to tip over.
2. The sweet mutt who will gently lick your feet when you come to talk with her owner, who has labeled her office as “The Dog Pound”.
3. The schnauzer/poodle mix puppy who will be sitting A DESK AWAY FROM ME in just one week.
4. The fat corgi who waddles by from time to time.
5. My dog! Because he gets to come and wear his business bow-tie to conduct his dog business.
On a completely unrelated note, I believe I have a lot to contribute to your office environment. I’m flexible, hardworking and outgoing, and I’m a team player to a fault! When it comes to individual projects I tend to be something of a perfectionist, but I’m working on that since I realize being too hard on yourself tends to poison the whole team in a subtle but very real way. GIVE ME A CHANCE please and thank you
Is your office hiring? I am an experienced and capable administrative assistant.
Top 5 Post-Coital Takeout Meals:
5. Nachos from the generic Tex-Mex place down the street
4. Parmesan-crusted chicken fingers dipped in ranch from the pizza place next door
3. This breakfast sandwich consisting of sausage, bacon, fried eggs, tomato, avocado and cheese on a bagel with tons of hot sauce from our breakfast joint
2. Fried chicken, fried rice, bacon-wrapped scallops and pork buns from the Korean place on the corner
1. Chocolate Hostess Donettes from the 24-hour grocery store when I had an animalistic hankering for them at 1 in the morning
This is hilarious and now I want takeout nachos.
Top Five Albums I Listened to a Whole Bunch in 2015 (though not all actually came out in 2015):
1. E MO TION, Carly Rae Jepsen, still hella mad it wasn’t nominated for any Grammys
2. HAMILTON
3. Pageant Material, Kacey Musgraves
4. In the Heights, which I think actually has more songs that make me cry than Hamilton, which I didn’t think was possible
5. Days Are Gone, HAIM – I’ve loved several songs off this album for a couple of years now, but I didn’t listen to the entire thing until this year (it is amazing)
HAIM’s The Wire was one of my all-time favorite things for several months this year.
It is honestly a perfect song.
Have you seen the video? What a thing of beauty.
Top 5 clothing items…
1) My blue fleece plaid shirt. Like a next-level flannel shirt. It’s soooooo warm and it’s really cute and perfect for trekking through the woods.
2) The grandma sweater! It’s a long ivory sweater that looks like a grandma afghan and I love it.
3) WOOL SOCKS
4) My denim jacket! Really comfy! Really cute! Looks adorable with everything I own!
5) RAIN PANTS. That time it started pouring during the all-day hike from hell and I had water pouring down my face…but everything from the neck DOWN was dry and warm. Thanks, supportive parents who send me surprise care packages after I tell them pitifully that I spent an entire week cold and wet!
WOOL SOX FTW
I have 5 pairs and I guard them closely. They’re worth their weight in gold when you work in outdoor ed.
Top 5 cats seen in my new neighborhood (in no particular order; they are all cats and therefore all excellent unto themselves):
Friendly dark gray bodega cat
Shy light gray bodega cat
Black-and-white cat glimpsed briefly through trees outside my window
Black cat that hangs out near the church next door to my building
Tuxedo cat that used to chill out on my fire escape (and then stopped coming around, I hope s/he’s found a warm place for the winter)
Top five free-bin/dumpster finds of 2015
1. My pet rat Freda! Well, I met her owner at a clothing swap and she was being given away for adoption at the same time by coincidence but it still counts.
2. BRAND NEW rad as hell leather motorcycle jacket with secret pockets and fuzzy lining
3. Two entire cases of Tribe hummus that weren’t even expired yet
4. Basically new size 14 tennis shoes – my boyfriend has size 14 feet
5. A dumpster that’s miraculously always full of fancy breakfast pitas and pastries, every day of the week
Top 5 making-really-deliberate-decisions-about-what-I-want-out-of-my-life-and-then-acting-on-thems of 2015:
– breaking off an engagement(!) that was wrong for me and not melting of guilt or sadness
– shaved sides
– moving across the country all by myself to have academic adventures
– coming out (there might be a theme or two to this list)
– this really gentle fun goofy new fledgling relationship I’ve just stumbled into
Good riddance to 2015, because I hate transition periods, but I sure am glad that work is done.
I love this. Sounds like you used this stupid year for all it was worth, go you!
Thank you! 😀
Top 5 new recipes I’ve tried this year:
1. Coconut-chocolate layer cake with raspberries (I don’t know if this counts since I’ve eaten it before this year, but I didn’t get to make it myself until now, and anyway it’s amazing, so I have to include it)
2. Earl grey lavender chocolate cake
3. Champagne cupcakes stuffed with champagne pastry cream
4. Strawberry balsamic preserves
5. Chickpea lentil salad with feta and tahini
Netflix bingeing continues apace. I finished season 2 of Star Trek: TOS last night and have so far been unable to get over this:
I think they imply that Spock has never held a cat before? But in the following scene, Spock is clearly an expert at holding cats! He snuggles her almost absentmindedly while discussing strategy with Kirk, skritching her neck and alternating pets between the pads and the backs of his fingers like a pro. I sure hope someone got fired for that blunder.
I thought the whole point was that Spock instantly understood the cat, despite never encountering one before.
I don’t think I have a Simpsons joke for that though!
Why am I turned on by this photo?
Because Leonard Nimoy is smokin’ hot and…oh dear. I can’t bring myself to make a pussy joke in the same sentence I mention Leonard Nimoy. UGH. FAIL.
Oh, Leonard, truly you were too good for us all.
Binge watching Star Trek is the best! I watched all of TNG, DS9 and Voyager while on maternity leave.
That’s my plan for after I finish TOS! Except I don’t have the excuse of maternity leave.
I am half expecting my daughter to have an inexplicable desire to become a starship captain. 🙂
This is a little tangential but if you need a break but want to stay on topic with your binge may I suggest you watch the documentary Chaos on the Bridge if you have not seen it? William Shatner interviews a bunch of writers and executives about Gene Roddenberry and the making of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Oh cool, thanks for the rec!
You guys. WOULD TOTALLY WATCH: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/who-lives-who-…
these are fucking amazing and to steal a reaction from upthread
I’ve listen to the first CD of the cast recording twice and am relatively meh on it, but I’ll be damn if I’m not a sucker for musical Disney cartoons.
Although it would have to go on my disney drinking game “don’t play” list.
ELIZA! Oh my goodness the tears that are falling. How do we make this a real thing? Kickstarter? Bug LMM to give her the rights to create the movie and maybe some of his genius grant?
YES. I have been waiting for the open thread so that I could come here to post this and to say that I have heard SO MUCH about Hamilton (mostly, though not totally, here on The Toast) that I clicked on the link on that article and started listening to the album on Spotify.
So I’m at work today and I put one earbud in so I could listen to it and my boss came by and asked what I was listening to so I told him a little tremblingly and he smiled and said he’d heard of it and told me to enjoy and walked away and I love my job so much.
i love oscar isaac, but sorry, i will not see a star war, not even for him.
i have a date tonight that i’ve been looking forward to for over a week but i also have a stomachache. get it together, body!
Did you see him in Ex Machina? So good.
yes! but my heart will always belong to him in “inside llewyn davis.”
i did appreciate all the star wars promo and how excited he was about being on a gogurt packet, though.
Raspberry leaf tea is good for sad tummies! Or ginger tea! Double fist it, girl!!
i’ve got the ginger tea going! nothing’s standing in the way of this date, believe me haha.
I’m seeing the star war tonight almost entirely because of John Boyega! But I respect your decision to not see it.
john boyega is a delight! enjoy the star war 🙂
Oh man, he is sooooo good in the star war. Utterly delightful.
You don’t have to! If anyone gives you trouble about this tell them you have Official Permission from A Serious Star Wars Nut. The word I keep using to describe my Star Wars feelings is “unhinged”. People like different things! We need to stop being mean about it!
you are very kind!
maybe later, after the dvd release, i will just watch a compilation of all of his scenes, in my own version of being “unhinged,” haha.
Perfectly respectable. That’s how I watch Game of Thrones- just Olenna scenes.
Well, I have never seen a star war, not a one, and do not intend to start now and go shatter my perfect record. I applaud your life choices.
Uniquely fabulous, no. Looking forward to getting blitzed out of my mind once I’ve done my allowed four hours of work from home today? YES.
So back in the days when I left the house for things like Work and Grocery Shopping, I tolerated the massive amounts of Stuff we have in this house (and by “we” I mean the Burgomaster). There isn’t a single flat surface in this house that doesn’t have piles of stuff on it. Even the couch has books stacked on the arm and a kilt lying on top of the pillows. I do a pretty good job of ignoring it most of the time (not being home for nine hours a day certainly helps), but being in the house with it all day every day is getting difficult. The Burgomaster likes his stuff (he was very excited about the Tesla bobblehead someone gave him last night which when I saw it this morning I’m not even kidding I started to cry a little bit because Oh God More Stuff) and I try to compromise but I often feel like my compromise is actually a surrender and I want to burn the whole place down.
Any Toasties who wanna commiserate and/or tell stories of sharing space with people who don’t have your need for tidiness and minimalism?
Mr. Chemicaldefect has what the Unfuck Your Habitat lady calls a floordrobe. All his clothes live on the floor. Clean/dirty, doesn’t matter. Drives me up the wall. His parents are legit hoarders, and he has worked/is working really hard to not become a hoarder himself and I really appreciate that. However, his level of tidiness is still subpar imo. I generally focus on other stuff (like the rabbits having a clean litter box) and only ask him to pick up the floordrobe when it gets really bad. I totally get what you mean about compromise feeling like just surrender. It’s like, it’s either tidy or its not? And more often it’s not. One thing that helps me feel better but doesn’t seem to bug him is when he’s got a junk pile that has somehow proliferated over the top of the dresser/table/whatever, I just stuff it all into a box and then give him the box to sort through at his leisure. Even though I know it’s like 85% receipts for coffee and 5% broken pens and probably <2% things he actually wants, he likes that I don’t throw his stuff out and I like that he doesn’t mind me putting all his junk into a box once it’s been reproducing too much and driving me nuts.
The Burgomaster grew up with a mom who constantly threw his stuff away and I know that’s part of what’s going on here and that sucks. I like your idea of putting stuff in a box. I wonder if anyone in my neighborhood has recently purchased a refrigerator…
I have to do that in the kitchen sometimes, put it all in a box. I need counterspace! The person gets annoyed but it’s mostly because he feels there’s nowhere else to put everything. He’s right about that actually 🙁
But what if he just puts the little box into a bigger box of boxes of junk? This happens at my house and it makes me crazy. No sorting ever happens.
Sometimes he does. Maybe once every couple years or when we move I ask him to go through the big junk box of boxes. He usually goes through around half of it, which is enough.
Moving is really the secret answer to teaching stuff keepers to part with the stuff they haven’t used in years. I hauled my husband across the country twice in three years- the notes from his undergraduate major that has absolutely nothing to do with his current profession made it through one move, but lost their appeal on the second…now sometimes he voluntarily gets rid of things all by himself (not, like, a lot of things, but still…)
I’ve put Attractive Bowl-Corrals all over the house for my husband’s constant litter of headphones, stethoscopes, mail, notepads, pager, etc. Next up I’m buying a Secondary Hamper for the floordrobe / cleanish-clothes that he drapes on top of the Dirty Hamper.
I had a severe problem with ‘clean enough to wear again maybe, but not clean enough to put away’ clothes living all over my floor/bed/couch, so I solved the problem by putting a coat rack in my room. Now everything either goes back into the closet, straight into the hamper, or gets draped on the coat rack. It is MAGICAL.
Oh man. I have horror stories from my barracks days in the service. Such horror stories. Not about threats to minimalism (I am the exact opposite of minimalist, you have seen my couch, you know this to be true), but when it comes to a lack of tidiness… I have seen shit that would turn you white. I have seen actual health hazards going on in my own shared kitchenette. I have seen someone almost get thrown out for it it was so bad. (Instead she was thrown out for drugs so…)
It was baddddd. There was raw meat involved. And a considerable length of time.
Especially with working from home, negotiate yourself a surface, or a corner, or a room. Whatever your living situation allows for. (a desk? a coffee table? an office? a corner that exists as your office? the left half of the couch?) This is your “room of your own”, and *you* won’t put piles there, and Burgomaster can keep his Stuff, and he can have piles other places, but on the particular surfaces/area/whatever, he is NOT ALLOWED to put his stuff. If he does, you will (whatever you negotiate. put it on his side of the couch, put it in a storage tote, put it in the tub, put it in the dumpster, whatever). At least then when you spend time at home, you can retreat to your space. See if that helps. If it doesn’t, maybe it’s not actually the clutter, but it probably will help.
Then look at the rest of it. Maybe there are other ways to compromise and get less clutter elsewhere— maybe you can decorate in piles that are pile-like enough to make Bergomaster pile-o-phile-ness happy, but are neat and orderly enough piles that they’ll be less frustrating to you (think decorative bookshelves). Maybe there are some piles of things that can be put in boxes or bins or otherwise hidden. Maybe there are things you can take pictures of and toss. Maybe you can expand your “no clutter” areas (while keeping at least some area that he gets to clutter as he sees fit).
For my part, I need paths between clutter. I need the kitchen, bathroom to be very low clutter, and i need a place to sit (even if it’s between clutter and more clutter). If I have those things, I can live with clutter elsewhere. Mr.Table would, if left to his own devices, not clean a single thing in the kitchen until just before he needed to use it again. It’s a struggle.
Oh oh, I feel you! His clutter (mostly papery things, including things we have discussed and he has agreed to recycle like old newspaper crosswords we are never going to do) is usually confined to the kitchen table (which means we never actually eat at a table, which I find sad but manageable) but he has been home this whole past week and it has taken over the whole coffee table and half of the couch, too, and it’s making me feel squished out of my own home.
He may feel similarly about my craft mess, but at least I keep that confined to my sewing table and one bag.
PILE-O-PHILE I LOVE IT.
This is all very good advice. Thank you!
My husband can probably share stories with you……. Sadly I have a need for chaos. Or more accurately a not caring about chaos which is why my allotted spaces in our house are always chaotic!
Seriously, advice – try to agree on which spaces can be chaotic and which must be tidy. That seems to work for us. I have my office, 1 other room, and the desk in the kitchen which are permitted to descend into anarchy. All other rooms must be neat, including the kitchen, the bedroom, and the living room. I let spouse organize them. Good luck…
Also I did share rooms for a while with some dramatically dirty people and it was AWFUL. Like, I would come home and every surface in the kitchen would be covered in dirty dishes and I’d be like “I JUST WANT TO MAKE A SANDWICH.” It sucked. Big difference in my mind between mess and dirt though…… I’m ok with mess but not dirt. Then again, having at least some surfaces is key.
I frequently ask for the kitchen counters to be free of Stuff and am met with resistance. But perhaps if I point to this comment and say “see! it’s possible!” he’ll be willing to negotiate. Thank you!
I also like the idea below of having a box, and when you get sick of stuff piling up, just put it in the box and say “you are required to deal with this or get it out of here.” for me the problem is usually papers, so it works well because I am then forced to deal with them or at least relocate them.
Putting papers in a box, alas, resulted in him never Seeing the papers (there are ADD issues involved here, as well) and a few missed payments for Important Things. Why he can’t have a different place for Important Papers than the kitchen counter has yet to be sufficiently explained to me.
Can it be a tray instead of the entire counter? Like an old-fashioned “In” tray, but prettier? Like, this concept but better executed? http://www.containerstore.com/s/office/paper-file…
I need to be able to see shit, and I feel like this would work for me. Personally.
Nope, I’ve asked about that and it won’t work because he can’t see stuff if it’s in a tray or folder. I am incapable of understanding that, but I have to believe him when he tells me it won’t work. *sigh*
Hey CleverManka – you sound like a really loving partner, and one really committed to understanding your partner. Those are really good things.
But I do want to kind of reflect that it seems like your needs are not also getting met here. And that being a loving partner =/= living without your needs getting met. And like maybe, just based on your comments, the level of love and understanding you are bringing to this issue is not being met by your partner.
I just… wanted to say that. With the caveat that this is an issue I feel pretty strongly about, so, you know, ymmv.
the level of love and understanding you are bringing to this issue is not being met by your partner.
You’re absolutely right, they aren’t. But since he is very close to perfect in nearly ever other aspects that matters, this isn’t a deal-breaker. Anyone else, I woulda been out of here.
Thank you for saying that, though! Toasties are the best.
This was so kindly put. Just wanted to add that. This is the only place where I actually LOVE to read the comments for reasons just like this.
As a fellow ‘if I can’t see it it doesn’t exist’ ADHD sufferer, AND someone who needs a reasonably tidy house for my own wellbeing, I can feel both your pains.
For me, I keep papers that I need to take care of stuck to the fridge with the relevant dates highlighted so I take note every time I go there. If the fridge isn’t an option for your house would a pin board or magnetic board mounted somewhere central help keep things in his view, while giving you some counter space?
(Seriously though, ADHD is so weird. As soon as I file something or put it away it’s like it fell through a crack in the universe – not only does it no longer exist, it NEVER existed. I’m spending a lot of time in my apartment trying to come up with visible storage options so I can still remember what I own, but it can live somewhere other than the floor/couch/bed/any possible surface.)
I would love to put up a board or something like that for him but there is not a single wall in this house that is not already covered with something (art, admittedly a lot of it mine), or made unapproachable by furniture (sometimes two-layers deep). =(
Is the issue with trays and folders that things are piled up so it takes longer to look at each paper? You could get him a folder like this: http://lionstationery.com.sg/product_images/60056…. Then he can flip through it easily.
You could get him a shelf somewhere where it won’t get in a way, so he can spread the papers out if that’s something he really needs.
He has a shelf. Which has overflowed the to table below it. Which has overflowed to the floor next to the couch.
Oh, and he wouldn’t put stuff in those folders, although they do look quite appealing to me for ephemera and collage storage so thanks for the link~
Does he need all the things that are overflowing? Can some of the older bills be archived somewhere (and if they’re needed, you can check them)?
I have no idea if that shop in the link is trustworthy, I just got a random image from Google Images. I find those folders a lot in office supply shops, though!
All bills should be electronic for people such as myself with this issue. NO PAPER BILLS.
Everything else he gets automatically deducted or email notifications but our county has an absolutely wretched policy of not sending property tax bills through email. So, you know, bills for those little things like cars and houses.
I am a clutterer but I deeply desire not to be. How do you do it? Do you just … throw everything out?
Kind of, yeah. If something doesn’t have its own space (and its own space cannot be on top of something else), it doesn’t stay in the house. If I want that thing bad enough, I make room for it by removing something else. I only keep what I love and/or what I use. Sometimes this means I have to purchase or borrow something a few years after I discard the original item but oh well. The mental peace is worth it for me.
Decide what you actually want to keep and what you don’t need. Throw shit out, give it away, recycle shit, donate to a thrift shop, and then what you have left: everything has a place it lives, and it always goes back there when you’re done with it. I’m very minimalist and don’t like to see stuff out, so all of my storage for things that I do keep is out of sight. Like the chest where I keep clothes doubles as a bench to sit on and read.
That said, I’m admittedly a big Marie Kondo fan so yknow, take what I’m saying with a big grain of salt.
the trick is that everything has to have a home, a place to be put *away*. it sounds simple but understanding this really helped me. Even if you have like one shelf that is your shitpile (that’s what I do), that will keep your desk tidy, and then you can do your paperwork every sunday morning or whatever.
Yeah basically. You make a huge paradigm shift to: the risk and cost of keeping this [whatever] is greater than the potential reward of doing so.
I have had to accept that occasionally I will regret throwing something away/getting rid of it. But the reward of a peaceful space and feeling like stuff is not overwhelming me is so so so worth it.
Like, one of the costs of keeping a “thing” is that in the future I will have to think about and deal with it again. If I get rid of it, I’m free of it.
I have not actually read it, but just having had Marie Kondo’s book described to me was petty life changing.
<3
We are all talk about minimalism and having less in the Goomansion, but it’s a small house with years of shit piled up in it. I am personally a natural thrower-awayer and don’t keep things when I don’t like them anymore, but my roommates are… not like that, and when they get tired of the mess and throw their old things away, it makes them sad.
Also, all my shit fits in my room just fine but I am not the best at putting things away. I am the best at standing by the heater and/or playing Guild Wars 2.
+1 for standing by the heater
So jealous of the cat’s ability to sit on top of the heater.
it’s a small house with years of shit piled up in it
This is our situation.
when they get tired of the mess and throw their old things away, it makes them sad.
This is the Burgomaster’s situation.
I really get it. My dude has some very cool old computer shit that he loves to play with but doesn’t have time any more. I try to stop him from throwing it out but he’s tired of the stuff everywhere 🙁
+1 to Guild Wars 2! Is there a Toastie guild? (If not, we should make one!)
I’m Kali Amarja! Never heard of a Toastie guild but I am constantly on the lookout for a girls only guild, and I’m in a girls only GW2 Facebook group.
I’m Amadinne and Alexander Hamewlton!
Is there any way you could convince him to have a kindle instead of 10,000 books? Like maybe he could keep his special edition whatever but a kindle is a perfectly fine way to store books and it doesn’t make him uncool? They are so heavy and make moving a nightmare, and it’s a good place to start.
Also it’s nice to give stuff away when there is a monetary incentive, like stores that buy used books and used clothes and scrap metal…
It SHOULD be a compromise. It sounds like it’s not right now. I feel for you. I love throwing stuff away. I worked on a project in my sister’s minimalist bedroom yesterday and I was at least twice as productive than alone, in my average house, despite drinking and socializing!
ETA: Notice how I’m not even trying to commiserate, I’m just enabling you to burn the house down and rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
Oh god I don’t even let myself think about the books. We have a story-and-a-half tall living room with floor to ceiling bookshelves that the Burgomaster built. They have books lying horizontal on the tops of other books where they’ve overflowed the shelves. He might be a juror for a major SF novel award. *sigh* Those books ain’t going anywhere. Right now, sitting at the table, I see:
Two lamps, one leaning against the other because one is broken so is serving as a support for the hanging lamp that will never get hung because it would entail running new wires through the ceiling, a roll-top desk (which now actually closes!) with a box of pens so full it won’t close and a box of something else that I don’t even know what’s in it, topped by a hideous rope dragon that the ex bought like fifteen years ago, a pirate robot flag half-covering a fossil statue, two dining chairs covered in pillows and one topped with an Etsy purchase that needs returned, a box of empty boxes, an old iron candelabra lying on its side in front of the fireplace which is obscured by an Orion telescope with mount and box of eyepieces, then we have an ottoman with some sort of expanding file folder on top, a hutch with hundreds of Warhammer figurines inside and on top a clock, three lamps, a broken star from a holiday decoration, and in front of the hutch, our little spiral xmas tree. That is just what’s up against one wall of the living room.
Dude. That is … a lot.
I thought about taking a picture of what I’m looking at right now and posting it along with the pic of the bookshelves (below) but I think everyone gets the idea.
the description alone is enough to give me hives.
DUDE. First (and last) boyfriend I moved in with. He had a wonderfully curated collection of Stuff. (It really wasn’t bad stuff, he had good taste, but WHY SO MUCH, BRO?!) To fit it all into the house, I gave away about 50% of my stuff, while he sacrificed none.
Upside: Moving out was a breeze, and my little apartment is now blissfully empty and I’m never looking back.
If I could afford it, I would 100% live in my own place. Ideally, we’d be neighbors, with a connecting hallway between the houses. BLISS.
YUP. High on my list of traits in a potential partner is “must be comfortable in your own castle, bc you’ll be only a guest in mine.”
I’m actually incredibly slovenly and I drive tidy people nuts, so the minimalism allows me to be lazy without things getting totally gross. It makes me inherently incompatible with….anyone.
DUUUUUUDE. I left my ex in the middle of the night and ended up calling a realtor who offered to “take care of” everything left in the house after we were both gone with what we wanted. God damn best thing I ever did (after leaving the motherfucker obs).
This is amaaaazzzzing. Ugh god I can’t even imagine how good that would feel. Leaving! Middle of the night! Someone else HANDLING IT!
In my situation, my dad hopped in his truck and drove down and was like “ok let’s do this.” Between the two of us it took about 6 hours, packing-moving-unpacking.
After months of being the only person capable of Doing Anything (ex was a hardcore alcoholic) it was so great to have someone just be there and be useful and help me.
I remember with incredible vividness the time, 15 years ago now, when I was despairing over how exactly I (a non-driving non-car owner, and flat broke) was going to move all my possessions out of the house I had shared with my ex. I’d been taking care of everyone but me for a while, and I was out of ideas.
My oldest brother (whom I love but with whom I am not close, and whom we had hosted for Christmas during a difficult time he was having the previous year) drove an hour or so with his little pick-up truck and saved my ass; in response to my millionth thank-you, he said simply, “I’m just being your brother… maybe for the first time.” I’ve never forgotten that: how much it meant to have someone I’d been there for just be there for me. To see some reciprocation, as a reminder that I deserved that.
oh man, this gave me chills. your brother’s response! oh wow. i keep re-reading it.
even THINKING about being car-less and broke in that situation fills me with dread. i can’t imagine.
Splendid Dadding. I’m so glad he was there for you.
right?! my dad really is The Best in this regard, and many other regards. he wasn’t even all macho or bitchy about my ex – he never mentioned him at all. he was just like, “okay, i’m here. we will complete this task and then i will buy you lunch, i love you. please always call me when you need help, i will always help.”
there’s, um, something in my eye, i gotta go.
I have a stuff mismatch too with my gf. I grew up in a minimalist household but I do gravitate toward messiness, but she takes things to a whole nother level. So when we moved in together recently I almost had a fit when her mom and siblings came to stay and they BROUGHT STUFF WITH THEM because we hadn’t moved our stuff in yet but then we had like 3 extra lamps (AND WE HAVE SO MANY LAMPS) and I flipped out but really it ended up fine, we brought them back to her mom as soon as we could.
One thing that has helped me is before we moved in I asked for her to make an “M box” that is an empty box for her things, so if I get overwhelmed with having her Stuff in a specific place I can shove it all in that box and if she’s like “Where’s my thing??” she can look in the box. I haven’t actually done this yet but it’s nice to know it’s there.
IDK, I feel you. If he could store or organize some of the things, would that be helpful? I think if you’re someone whose peace of mind is really improved by minimalism it’s worth having a discussion on whether there can be one corner the house that is clear of things, or that if he wants his stuff on display in the house then it has to be organized and neat. It doesn’t sound like you guys are in a compromise right now if his stuff is everywhere and you’re upset about it.
We’ve had the discussion. *sigh* His stuff isn’t On Display so much as it is Just There. And he doesn’t have time to deal with it because he’s so busy which is an entirely different discussion and UGH.
I swear, this is his one major fault so I feel like I could lighten up and sometimes I can but other times it gets to be too much and I can literally, physically, feel all this stuff pressing in on me.
other times it gets to be too much and I can literally, physically, feel all this stuff pressing in on me.
Um, this seems like kind of a red flag to me.
Does he know this? Like, have you calmly and dispassionately explained this to him, at a time distinct from other tidiness-related disagreements you may have been having? And did he acknowledge having heard you and continues to be not making an effort toward making things better for you?
If you haven’t, I would encourage you to have this conversation soon. If you have and he is still not cooperating, I would escalate this issue as something that needs to be worked through with a counselor. If it were me. YMMV, etc. You seem to be pretty aware, so I won’t harp.
He does. He does know this. I’m not sure he understands it, but it has been Voiced and Heard. He is just waaaaaaay overextended and doesn’t have time to deal with things, so they (literally) pile up. This is an issue he is working on, but change is slow and this particular thing hasn’t yet moved over to the action list.
Really, if he had any other major faults this would be a deal-breaker. But he doesn’t (hard to believe, I know, I’m very fortunate), so I keep tamping down my feelings about it and they occasionally burst out. If there’s no progress within a year, though, there might be another Talk, and yes, third-party counsel is a very good idea if that happens, thank you.
I reeeeaallly feel you on the “stuff is pressing down on me from the other side of the room” thing. And here’s the kicker – I live with a pretty neat/clean dude! I am just…like…super neat and clean. I don’t have any advice for you since it seems like everyone’s covered all the ground pretty well, but I do want to chime in and say that if it really gets bad, I think you are totally within your rights to go beserk on one room of the house and clean it and arrange it to your standards. This is obviously a somewhat risky maneuver re: emotional attachment to stuff, but you obviously don’t have to throw anything out. It just might get the message across that you two NEED to schedule some time to sort. this. out. Anyway, I hope you are able to get to a place where you are happy and comfy in your own home <3
go beserk on one room of the house and clean it and arrange it to your standards
Easy to do, currently impossible to maintain.
Thank you for the well-wishes. Here’s hoping!
What about third party intervention with some sort of organizing PERSON? (I realize this is sort of a goofy suggestion, and know nothing about professional organizers except that I’ve heard about them on HGTV.) But maybe if it was coming from someone besides you, it might land? Sometimes you need that objective stranger to tell you what your nearest and dearest keep saying, before you really get it. Plus, they’re probably really used to people who can’t give up their stuff and would likely have good strategies!
Or is there any way he might agree to letting you throw out stuff that is actually broken or otherwise actually unusable/too gross?
I don’t think he’s psychologically capable of dealing with someone else coming in to help him with this. The reason the problem started (I believe) is his mom used to throw away his stuff all the time. So he started holding onto it, and now as an adult he recognizes this isn’t helpful behavior, but he doesn’t have the time or emotional energy to do anything about it because his life is so busy with his job(s) and so…
He has gotten to the point where he’ll eventually let me throw away something that is absolutely useless, but it takes a convincing argument on my part and yes sometimes he does look through the trash.
I realize I’m making him sound kind of unhinged, and he’s not…about anything else except this.
Oh man. That’s really tough. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. And I sincerely hope that there will be time for him to tackle it sooner rather than later!
ohmygod the trash thing!
last week i actually had to raise my voice to stop my dude from going into the trash to retrieve a busted fluorescent light for which he’d already purchased a replacement. i’d attempted to fix it with 1) a new bulb and 2) a new fuse. alas, the $10 plastic lamp was dead. it was inarguably trash. but he comes from a family where only actual garbage is thrown away. everything else is repaired, donated, given to someone else, or simply kept forever.
true story: his dad had a counter top wine fridge. it broke. he gave it to my partner. my partner dutifully placed the dead fridge on his (extremely limited) kitchen counter top. i do lots of cooking in that kitchen and this stupid fucking thing was taking up a quarter of the available surface space. i finally convinced him to get rid of it by making a custom wine rack that holds 4 bottles and takes up as little space as humanly possible. so he gave the broken fridge to his mom. who dutifully took it home with her. to the house where she lives in with his dad *headdeask* JUST THROWN THE FUCKING THING AWAAAAAAAY!!!!
(to be fair… the situation was compounded by the fact that, as a teen, my parents would go through my trash looking for evidence that i was being a bad kid. i now have a very hostile response to anyone who second guesses my throwing anything away. ((i’d previously had to shut down my partner’s request that i let him know what i was taking to goodwill before i dropped stuff off in case it was something he wanted. nope. too close to asking for permission to get rid of something.)) so… yeah… worlds collided during the Fluorescent Light Incident.)
Ugh. It is hard. The best thing is to have a space for everything to live.
I tend strongly toward clutter, but at the same time, too much clutter stresses me the heck out. I don’t seem to know where the line is until I get to the wrong side of it and then, boy howdy, do I know.
When I get overrun with stuff it turns out to be stuff I want to keep or process but I haven’t had time to process and/or don’t have a place to keep it. If it’s just a time thing sometimes I can take it to the office and take care of it on a coffee break (paying a bill or renewing a subscription).
Finding a space for things is harder. Can you get a new shelving unit, and some bins or something to hide his stuff in? Or just a few bins with lids that you can stuff papers into and put on an existing shelf? Backing up, do you have shelf space available for the books and he won’t put them away, or do you have more books than shelving? If you have space and he doesn’t put the books away that is a different issue (laziness or lack of … something, IMO) than stacking books because there’s no other place to put them.
Part of my problem seems to be that I like to see my stuff, and if I can’t see my stuff I … forget that I have it? I work this way too, papers and books strewn everywhere. I can stack it all up overnight, or put it away in a drawer, but the next morning when I get back to work, all the files have to come back out. Maybe your honey also likes to see his stuff?
He does, and for similar reasons. And if was limited to his office, I wouldn’t mind at all! But it’s the Entire Damn House.
There is, I am not shitting you, absolutely no room in this house for more shelves. We have so many bins of stuff in the attic that I cannot get in there to retrieve anything. Putting bins with lids in the living areas would (I am 100% sure) simply result in more things being piled on top of the lids. I feel like I’m drowning. As for book shelves, this is what I’m sitting in front of right now:
WEEP FOR ME
Oh boy. There is a lot going on, in this picture.
i physically recoiled from my screen. it’s… LOOMING.
And I am sitting RIGHT UNDER IT. That orange chair with the kleenex box in front of it? Typing from there. Right now. eeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
see no
i immediately spotted places i would pile more books
and also some other stuff
which prob’ly gives you some insight into the state of my home yikes
I know right, it’s like he’s not even trying
Those are nice looking shelves though. (Sorry, I know I’m not helping)
Oh, they’re great shelves! And I wouldn’t mind at all if all the books fit on the great shelves. It’s the shoved-in-sideways and spilling-over-edges that drive me around the bend.
(That was my thought too.)
Ok I love books but that is too many books.
That’s just the books that are downstairs on the shelves. Not downstairs by the front door, or downstairs on the couch, or upstairs in the shelves, or upstairs piled on the floor.
My prof partner is EXACTLY like this. I have this feeling that having so many books means something other than “having books”. I think it’s an outward sign that he wants to show everyone how intelligent he is, how well-read he is. It feels a little like imposter syndrome, where he’s not sure everyone will know how smart he is until they see all the books…then he can be sure they are confident he’s really smart.
Also…someone suggested “get more bookshelves.” No. It just encourages the person to get more books to fill them.
Oh my gooodddddd. I currently live in a house with 7 other people, which overall on the mess scale, has not been as much of a disaster as i originally anticipated (I am not a group house person, but my partner is, and we are compromising at the moment because it is cheaper for both of us). But. BUT! One of our roommates just. leave. shit. everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And doesn’t clean up after herself, leaves pots of pasta on the stove forever, food in the common areas, her clothes just strewn about all over. And it drives me insane.
But she is a subletter and she is moving out in January and I am SO HAPPY. Also because this means I can have a friendship with her and not hate her every second of everyday for being A Mess, because I like her as a person, but christ, THE MESS.
Hurray for January being right around the corner!
Ugh I literally got into a fight with my fiance about this not an hour ago. His office is in the back of the house next to the bathroom, so normally when we clean he cleans the back and I clean the front. We switched while cleaning this morning (because of another cleaning-related disagreement) and I was positively revolted by parts of the bathroom that I hadn’t looked at in a while. I gagged a few times, which he accused of being for show, and when I went back up front I told him that I would clean the bathroom from now on because I think that we have different ideas of what that entails. He then accused me of saying that he doesn’t know how to clean things (sometimes true, but I don’t vocalize it like that.) So he just went to lunch with a friend and I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and posting this. BLAH! For reference, we both work from home (hence being able to clean and go to lunch/drink wine on a Friday afternoon) so we spend a LOT of time together and in the same space.
I once had a conversation with a man who admitted to me that men purposefully will not clean, or if they clean, will do a shitty job, so that the woman takes the task over again and they don’t have to do it. He told me that he was warning his only daughter (about 8 years old at the time) to beware of that.
I’ve been known to announce “I have cleared this surface so that it is clear, not so you can put things on it. Do not put things on this surface” before (which my husband finds funny but usually obeys until he forgets or the natural clutter forcefield grows too strong).
I prefer less stuff than he does, but he is one of those “put things in the same place every time” types where I enjoy the fun and excitement of finding my keys every morning, so we each add our own form of chaos to each other’s lives
oh oh [raises hand]
My spouse, in one of his pre-guest spurts of industry that I find mostly endearing and a tiny bit infuriating, undertook to clear all the crap off a PERFECTLY FINE cluttered table (while ignoring, for example, the living-room heap of his clean laundry onto which I keep dropping new folded items every time I do laundry) and set up on it a little stand of DVDs overflowing from the main collection, because they had to go somewhere, thereby creating the only clear surface in the entire apartment. Immediately upon my return to the house with my guest, I dumped:
my bag
guest’s coat
our purchases
my library books
the mail
a little jar of fancy salt and, separately, the bag it came it
a stack of pottery bowls that live on a shelf nearby but require two hands to put away
on the table, so now it’s cluttered again. Truly, I am a monster (but also so is he for concentrating on one tiny area and considering his work done).
Yes, this is why the announcing of an important part of the process 😛
We maintain a highly agreeable level of harmony in our other household tasks, which makes us unbearably smug, but there is certainly a fundamental disconnect on the clear surfaces and putting things in the same place front ( I am married to a man who for years has told me there is only one correct way for the dish soap to face, and only this year could tell me which way that was. I will never put it back properly except entirely by accident, we’ve come to terms with this.)
Your soap dish = How to properly clean a car windshield for us.
Also I wish I could give this comment more than one like because it seriously made me laugh out loud.
the living-room heap of his clean laundry onto which I keep dropping new folded items every time I do laundry
Oh man that is giving me hives just thinking about it. My dude is not clean, but he is not like that, and I guess de facto my standards prevail except in his little areas (we live in a pretty big place, though, so he can have areas). He respects me on that too – once in a fit of anxiety I apologized for being an insane person and he was like “no you’re a grown up lady who likes her house to be clean it’s fine and good to be that way”.
I would be SO ANXIOUS if my house was covered in stuff. Which is ironic because 10 years ago I was messy af. I guess I’ve grown up!
SO PEOPLE CAN CHANGE IS WHAT YOU’RE SAYING HERE RIGHT????
Neither me or my husband are neat. IMAGINE THE CHAOS! I am perfectly capable of getting rid of everything, but I’m lazy about it. He attaches great sentimental value to every damn thing. And yet gets angry at how cluttered everything is. Yes, a home truly needs 4 sets of hockey goalie pads.
A friend let me that decluttering book. KonMari? Anyway, that’s 2016’s project.
Um, how many goalie pads does a home need? I ask this as someone who can put her eyes on at least four pairs of boxing/grappling gloves right now.
You only need one pair. They’re huge! And expensive.
I found that book super helpful and it’s really changed how I deal with a lot of my “stuff” – It’s a work in progress and I’m sort of working room-by-room through my house, but I can see definite improvements in how I put things away now (and I got rid of a bunch of things as well). It’s rubbed off on my husband a bit, too!
Oh dear. I sympathize.
My trophimate is… well. He is a dude. A straight dude. (I know, it’s weird, don’t ask.) He just literally does not see things. And when he does, generally, he is a chaos-monger. I think it’s one of those bucking-his-childhood-of-neurotic-parental-uptightness + being raised in a cult combined with a stay at home mom who did All The Things and he and his brother and dad were basically waited on. My parents were both in the military and has Serious Rules and spreadsheets and flowcharts and written codes of conduct we had to sign off on. So it’s not a wonder I am a little chaotic, but I am super neurotic and when I pass that point of comfortable clutter and into This Is Too Much Stuff, or The Wrong Kind of Messy, I really get unhinged. Like, the bleakest moments of post-partum depression unhinged. So we try to keep that from happening.
When it was just two of us, and a twice a month housekeeper, we could stay at a polite detente because I could stay ahead of my “dirt threshold.” Once the wee bunny arrived, all bets were off. She is two. And insane. And a dimensional portal for chaos. Plus, he is now working from home. It gets bad FAST.
We have tentatively negotiated a peace based on his willingness, when I hit critical mass, to help sort and organize according to given directions. Granted, I have to go behind him and finish the tasks put before him because of his partial clutter blindness, but the willingness to participate defuses my angst about it. I find nudging him on a regular basis to help out with smaller stuff (straightening up the bunnyzerg’s play area, bringing in ALL the dishes that have been hiding in his office/mancave, emptying the dishwasher or cleaning her highchair while I put away stuff he can’t see or identify) makes a difference both in the general clutter level as well as making me feel like I am not just the live-in maid and nanny. Plus, we’re usually working in the same area at the same time so it’s kind of fun to have company and catch up while we work.
Oh my gosh, congratulations on navigating this so well! I can’t imagining doing it with a child.
I’ve found that moving overseas helps to reduce the household stuff. Kind of drastic, but it forces everyone to figure out what they are willing to pay for moving.
NB: No moves that allow you to drive a truck full of stuff to the new destination. You need to cross at least one major ocean.
Ah, that sounds amazing. We’ve discussed becoming ex-pats, for various reasons. Alas, unless something magical happens with his job, though, I don’t think the Burgomaster is going anywhere anytime soon.
Ottawa Toasts! I posted this last week, but in case anyone missed it, I made a Google Group so we can organize meetups more easily: https://groups.google.com/d/forum/ottawa-toasts Sign up if you’re around here!
Staying friends with an ex: how does that work?
So, I recently ended a relationship with someone after four months. It was literally the cleanest, kindest breakup I’ve ever had. We pretty mutually realized that while we have a ton in common and genuinely like each other A LOT, we have different temperaments* that won’t quite stand the close quarters of a long-term relationship. We both want to remain in each others’ lives after a cool down period.
Anyway, here’s the issue with a potential friendship.
Positives: we both operate at a unique, weird frequency; make each other laugh; and share a very similar set of values. Basically, had we not dated we would be really good friends.
Negatives: we are still attracted to each other and have excellent chemistry.
I’d hate to not have this person in my life, but the “remaining attraction” thing gives me some pause. How do you navigate this?
*For those familiar with the Unified Theory of Muppets, I’m an Order Muppet with a strong internal chaotic streak, while the dude in question is almost pure Chaos Muppet, albeit one who thrives the structured environments Order Muppets create. The Chaos to Order calibration between us was close to ideal, but just far enough off that things wouldn’t work.
I have almost all the same standards for my friends as I do my partners, so… I think that’s why it’s kinda weird almost all the time.
But, since you mentioned the chemistry….. I don’t think it’s bad to hook up with your ex while you do you. You’ll still move on. You’re not frozen in emotional growth just because you’re not starving yourself of dick. If that’s what you meant.
I’m just more concerned that a physical component could lead to greater hurt, you know? Like, even if I don’t want to be in a relationship w/ someone I’m basically Galadriel in the ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR scene. Like, on a purely competitive level I want to be #1, and I’d NOT FEEL GOOD to find a partner moved on, even if it’s 100% their right and I could have done the same.
oh my GOD, are you me?
(luckily my excellent terms break up partner lives on the other side of the country, but still, yikes-dot-net, it is hard (and we 100% hooked up the one time I’ve visited him since we broke up over a year ago, whoops))
Try looking at the chemistry as a bonus and not a drawback. It’s fun to have a crush on a friend! Maybe a cooling-off period would be good, but it also might intensify the sexy feelings. If I were you, I would dive right in to (non-boozy) group activities, and maybe try to fix him up with someone. Channel that competitive drive into being the BEST friend who is the COOLEST and MOST SINCERELY SUPPORTIVE of his happiness and future dating success.
You also might just end up getting back together at some point in the future, which doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. Order/Chaos orientations can be fluid!
I find it precious that you think I’d use my competitive drive for good rather than evil in this scenario.
(Middlemarch said, as she clutched the ring closer to her in her cave and quietly whispered, ‘my precious.’)
I am contemplating this myself? (In the early stages of a maybe breakup with a partner of 11 years.)
Beloved and I were friends first, for a *long* time (met in elementary school). I think we are still eminently compatible as friends. We get each other. We make each other laugh. We know each other’s tender spots and how to be gentle with them. We still have a lot of good will toward each other. But there are a couple of ways in which we’re becoming less compatible.
Complication: We are still seriously attracted to each other.
On the other hand, he is also seriously attracted to other people, currently in a relationship with one of them, and desiring a relationship with another. I do not nurture feelings for people whom I perceive as unavailable. And while he has decided in the last couple of years that he is poly, it is very clear by now that I am not. So he has been moving into the category of “unavailable” for me for some time now.
I think I can transform my feelings toward him into a manageable wistfulness. And he has already demonstrated an ability to maintain friendships with his exes. So I’m overall hopeful about transitioning into friendship, even though I’d rather that I didn’t have to.
Oh, ouch, honey, this sounds so hard and I’m sorry this is in your life and best wishes to your navigating it.
Thank you so much.
That sounds difficult, but rewarding if you can make it work. This person is involved with so much of your personal history. That’s intense.
Be kind to yourself.
I am Friends With an Ex that I dated for about the same amount of time as you and your person. It wasn’t a serious relationship, which helps. Really, you need to not talk to each other. That was what did it for me. And ideally you can have a little recovery crush/hookup/whatever. (I’m hesitant to say a REBOUND because that’s not really what I mean, but feeling attraction to someone else can remind you, oh, other people are hot besides ex!)
Just want to thank you for asking this in the open thread today. I was in a new relationship for the last couple of months that ended abruptly last Saturday. Could-Have-Been-Boyfriend wants us to stay friends – he doesn’t have many in this city, and our relationship got pretty close very quickly, so I think he sees ours as an important connection even if it doesn’t remain romantic. To that “let’s not vanish from each other’s lives” end, he spent all week sending me friendly texts as if nothing were amiss. These were very painful to receive, because I need a cooling off period, but I guess he does not.
TL;DR I needed this conversational thread this week very much. Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone.
I unrealistically got very mad at him on your behalf. He doesn’t get to use you just because he doesn’t have many friends in a new city. That’s his problem. If he genuinely cares about you as a person, he can be compassionate about whatever time and space you need to be on an even keel and feel good about having a friendship. That’s what friends do.
And if you do not need someone to be girlfriend-y and snarly at him on your behalf, please forgive and just consider this a nod of understanding and sympathy.
No no! I really did/do need the snarl-y girlfriend-y love – as well as understanding and sympathy. Toasties are the best 🙂
Does it?
That’s what I’m worried about! Like, I just ended a relationship on excellent terms, and we’d both like to be in each others’ lives in some capacity. But HOW? I’m friendly with most of my exes, but none currently are FRIENDS.
I have done this successfully exactly once, and it takes a LONG ASS TIME.
I think the main thing is to give each other space (LOTS OF SPACE) for minimum several months after the breakup. In my personal instance I didn’t interact with him at all for two months, which was long enough for me to figure out that I still wanted him in my life & for emotions to cool a bit. General interactions were pretty stilted after that for MONTHS, however, so I also recommend joining a new club and making new friends during this period.
This is wise and sensible advice but man it’s bummin’ me out how the only answers seem to be “time, space, maturity, effort.” Like. Why can humanity not just cave to my whims.
Humanity is the living worst about that. JUST CAVE TO SOME WHIMS NOW AND THEN DAMMIT.
In all seriousness… time is really the answer here. Time and flexibility. Being okay with the relationship going through multiple iterations until it is one you are comfortable with, which will change as you change. It occurs to me the single most helpful thing in building those relationships is just having your own center, so that your gravity doesn’t get messed up by that other person, who has had so much influence on you in such specific ways. Find something that bolsters your ability to feel safe and sane and solid in your own skin, a constant. That helps.
It works…some of the time, if both people want that, and work conscientiously toward it? IME it has a lot to do with honouring the things that are Rad about the other party, while still giving the emotional space for mutual growth. I think it can help if there’s a bit of a friend group around you both, too, to relieve some of the initial social tensions.
It doesn’t work for me. I have zero exes who are still friends, and THAT IS OK. I mean, if you want it to be OK, it’s OK. Sometimes I feel like there’s some sort of societal ideal of staying friends with your exes, and I reject that as an ideal. Totes fine if both parties want to stay friends, but if one (or both) want to torch that relationship or pretend it never happened, I’m on board with all of that.
To repurpose @aravisthequeen further down, “Sometimes your [exes] are jerks and it’s okay to grow apart.”
I mean, the issue here is that the ex isn’t a jerk, and I don’t think I’m was a jerk to him either, really. We just have really different personalities, albeit similar values/humor/interests.
That should make it easier, at least.
I mean, I’m usually a “don’t talk to me for a year and then we can maybe meet for a biannual coffee” type with exes. However, this was a short relationship that ended with humor and respect and just… an astonishing lack of hurt feelings. I WANT FRIENDSHIP TO WORK, but I do not know how this is done.
I’m friends with a few exes, albeit from when I was quite a bit younger. I’m a proponent of the no-contact period (which for me has been as short as a month or so for non-serious relationships), then eventually getting drinks, checking out activities of mutual interest, etc. These friendships are a little bit flirtatiously charged, which is fine by me as long as the boundaries are clear. For instance, I don’t really discuss my current relationships with these guys beyond the basic facts ( “I’m moving in with [boyfriend], we’ve been watching this show, doing this activity,” etc).
Do you have friends in common? Can you socialize as part of a group/pack and work at a personal friendship around the edges of that?
That’s the thing, not really. (Only dated 4 months and met online.) I’m thinking that we could limit the friendship to certain activities, maybe, that don’t involve alcohol? Like, we have a few unique hobbies in common and it might work to structure hangouts around them and those communities.
Thank you for this. I always feel like I do breakups wrong that I am not friends with any of mine, and don’t want to be. (Not ragging on other folks who are able to manage it, that is awesome. I just can’t.)
Honestly? With some difficulty and probably some emotional and physical space in between relationship-ing and friends.
Two of my exes are in my very close friend circle and, like, have come over for holidays, but it took YEARS for us to work through all the weird emotional stuff and get to the part of actually remembering that we dated because, duh, we LIKED each other as PEOPLE. That realization is key, incidentally.
But I don’t want to work haaaaaard. I want people to cave to my emotional whims and for no awkwardness to ever ensue!!
(Basically I am secretly like 5% Kilgrave.)
I dated a guy (we’ll call him Paul because that’s his name) for four?five? years and I finally admitted I wasn’t that into him anymore. I bawled during my entire breakup speech and then spent half an hour outside his apartment crying because he was (is) just SUCH a good guy. Pretty sure he hated me for about a year, but then he started dating someone who eventually moved to our fair city and he asked me if I’d mind taking her out for coffee because she was having a hard time making new friends and he thought we’d get along. A few years later, i was a bridesmaid at their wedding.
I think the trick, for me at least, is I’ve gotta really like that person without the influence of sexual attraction and also, I need to feel better when the person is currently active in my life. Event though we don’t interact much on a regular basis these days (they moved to California and had kids), if I called him tonight and said “hey, I need to get out of a situation can I crash on your couch” he’d ask me what time my plane landed and how many bottles of wine should he have on hand.
Best wishes navigating this, middlemarch! I hope that if you want to remain friends with your ex, it can happen.
This one. I think you’d maybe have to cool the contact until the attraction fizzles…otherwise you’ll either keep slipping up, or keep hurting each other with new love interests … at least this is what has happened for me 🙁
“I need to feel better when the person is currently active in my life.” Honestly this is an excellent rule I’m going to keep in mind for a whole lot of situations.
I dated a very close friend for a while and we are still friends now and it was definitely weird and awkward, the first time we hung out with our other friends after it was over. But I think having that buffer of other friends helped a lot, as well as the fact that neither of us live at home anymore (it was a long distance relationship) so we had some space and time to work through things separately before we saw one another again.
I think if it’s really important to both parties than it can be done but I also think there are no hard and fast rules. It really depends on both people involved whether or not it works. It’s like any relationship or friendship, it takes work and may not be 100% great all of the time but as long as both parties want it then it can happen.
BUT I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE 100% GREAT ALL THE TIME, WHY IS BEING A HUMAN HARD I HATE IT
After a long period of no contact, if ever.
Well, what is the difference (for you & for him) between dating and being friends?
One of my very best friends is an ex.
Contributing factors:
*He and I were friends, irl, for about a year before we got together.
*When we dated, there was the friends part and the more-than-friends part, and they always sort of felt different to me.
*When we broke up, I still liked HIM, but we’d grown apart.
*We have a LOT of friends and interests in common
*Initial friendliness was online-only, and we lived far away from each other for a while, and was honestly pretty awkward for a while
*We did not become CLOSE again until shortly after his wedding, something like…. 4ish years after we broke up (we’d dated for about 3 years).
*I think his wife is awesome.
There was a long long period of giving each other space, and then figuring out how to relate to each other and find a place in each other’s lives. It took love, and patience, and time. It took growth on both our parts. It took letting us letting it be what it was going to be, not forcing it to be something we weren’t ready for ahead of time.
It was that hard for that long because we were close when we were dating, and we dated a while, and we’re close now. It was that hard because of how we both do friends (we both have small circles of people we’re fiercely loyal to). It is not always that hard, depending on where you start, and where you’re going.
But time and flexibility are important.
WHAT UP TOAST I GOT A NEW JOB
It’s a 10k raise, 100% employer-paid health insurance, and no more being micromanaged by an overgrown frat bro in another country. HELL YEAH MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME
THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH LIKES FOR THIS.
that is amazing, CONGRATULATIONS!
Congratulations! That is quite an upgrade!
WELL DONE YOU. 😀
Congratulations!! That is awesome.
NICE NICE NICE
Congratulations!
OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU ALL! I’m especially excited because I work in publishing not in a city, and I was pretty resigned to the fact that getting a new job (which had to happen) would mean leaving my amazing, perfect-for-me small town. But this job is at the literal only other publisher in the area and they’re almost never hiring and I just got so so so lucky. I get to keep my beautiful apartment and my kickass trivia team and my soccer games and my dang FRIENDS.
That is all so great!!!
Congratulations!
DAMN. Get it! Congratulations!
It has been a long week of frustration and tooth-gritting, but I made it to Friday. Today is my last day in the office before my 2-week vacation! We are packing tomorrow and Sunday we get to spend a few hours with Tiny Nephew before flying off to Munich.
(Sidebar: Lufthansa claims our flight will have wi-fi. I have never experienced wi-fi on a plane before, and the idea of having free, reliable internet access while roaring 30,000 feet above the Atlantic at 500 mph seems ludicrous. Is this really a thing? Am I just out of touch with the latest technology?)
My coworkers have behaved fairly normally this week, except for one woman who was walking past my cubicle when she paused, stared at me thoughtfully for a few seconds, then said, “You and my daughter smell exactly the same.” If I stop commenting here, you can just assume that she kidnapped me in some sort of Misery scenario.
Also, I am very happy and grateful to report that Nicole v. generously came through and helped finance my Hamilton adventure. My friend/fellow future Hamilton attendee and I basically spent last night texting each other “HOLY SHIT” back and forth. We’ll be at the July 2nd evening show! Appropriately enough it will be Canada Day weekend and Independence Day weekend. I’m so pumped. I’ve only been to NYC once, 9 years ago, and all I remember is going to Rice to Riches. I’m overwhelmed by all the things we could do there (when we’re not busy attending Hamilton and crying over Hamilton, that is).
Came here just to say, I am so excited for you! I saw Hamilton in October and it totally lived up to the hype. It was a highlight of the year to be sure.
Nicole is straight financing Hamilton tix these days? Where do I send my application?
Plane wi-fi is a thing! I have accessed the internet while on a flight home from Australia (and this was a few years ago; it’s probably old hat by now) and it was a wondrous experience.
Flight wifi is totally a thing. It has been around for years. I have even figured out how to manipulate Delta’s system to get it for FREE (but it only works on a mobile device).
(If anyone is interested, here are the steps: connect to the wifi, go to the Gogo page as if you were going to pay for it, click the link for Delta Studio. Pick a movie, any movie, and click “watch.” It will prompt you to download their video app, and after you enter a captcha, it will take you to the app store. Do not download the app. Just go to whatever you actually wanted to do on the internet, which will work for about 15 minutes. Repeat indefinitely.)
well, I knew it was A Thing, but I assumed it was only viable for short-haul flights. What a time to be alive!
Hahaha, I sort of feel for your coworker. I have a very strong sense of smell and totally recognize people by their smells. I sometimes like to joke it was because I was raised by wolves. But I’ve learned that there is absolutely NO context in which I should comment on this feature of my sensory perception unless I’m talking to my sexual partner.
I’m going to see Hamilton that night too! OMG!
same!!!
Good news everyone, I found a gross new way to procrastinate: sitting on the toilet tweezing my pubes one by one. Near-limitless entertainment while avoiding the single major work thing I have to do before I’m free for a week!
How to you shirk your responsibilities?
…sometimes this exact same way. No lie. It is very satisfying.
Mostly by reading about people who pluck their pubes one by one. OR pimple popping videos. IDGAF.
My dude
ngl, I do the same thing when I have ingrown hairs.
(one time I ignored an ingrown and it got bigger and bigger until it finally just burst and shot a wad of pus/whatever the fuck onto my thigh like a disgusting firework, trailing the hair behind it, you are all heartily welcome for that mental image)
Oh yes this happened to me once except on my, uh…downstairs mixup. I was a wee baby teen and too embarrassed to ask my mom to take me to the doctor so I just ignored it until it let loose in the shower one day. The stuff that came out was black.
I’M SO SORRY EVERYONE
This is amazing and horrible and bless you for sharing it and bless the Toast for being a place where you can do so freely so that we can all partake in being horrifimazed.
Mine was downstairs too! I had to stop getting bikini waxes for a few months while the area sorted itself out.
Stuff like this is why I close my office door before reading the Toast. But, yes, can relate, also.
You guys are all SO GREAT, what a wonderful corner of the internet this is
This is amazing. I had like one of those annoying lurker body zits on my side that kept lurking and lurking and lurking until I finally managed to get it popped and it EXPLODED. So disgusting. So…satisfying.
I DO THAT. YES TO US.
It’s easier and less traumatic than waxing. I do it as an actual beauty routine rather than as a procrastination project but I’m allergic to procrastinating. (except for waxing, I procrastinate the heck out of that.)
I do it in between waxes. Which sort of makes my waxes less effective because then there is the little patch of hair that I had previously plucked which starts growing back before any of the other hairs start growing back and it’s weird… I’ve been trying to make myself stop unless I actually have an ingrown hair but it is so satisfying. (I can only really do it on the top part, though. If I try to pluck hairs that are usually covered in the “brazilian” portion of the wax title… That gets very painful.)
I use an electric trimmer on the Brazilian area. I have very not-good-for-waxing skin so it’s kind of my only option.
Weirdly, waxing is the one self-maintenance routine I’m actually diligent about! Partly because it’s a really satisfying way to brace myself for each oncoming month, partly because my waxer is a truly amazing woman who is better at casual, engaging small talk than anyone else in the world. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who can engage in friendly banter while making direct eye contact with my anus deserves all the repeat business I can afford to give her.
Plus then I can tell myself I’m just doing “routine maintenance” when I spend half an hour obsessively pruning my stubble.
Yeah, I love my waxer. She can get my whole brazilian done in about 25 minutes. Although the last time I was there, I was turned on my side so that she could get my backside done, and she said, “Your hair is getting really long!” …and I think she meant my actual head hair and not my downstairs hair. But I was too afraid to ask.
God damn I am jealous of your username. YES TO US INDEED
this discussion just confirms this is the one place on the internet where i truly belong.
Obviously, by reading the Toast, mostly at work.
Also, I play video games at work, but on my laptop. I position my laptop so the back, not the screen, is visible through my office door, so that when it is open, anyone walking by gets the mistaken impression that I am studiously working, not pissing the day away.
It’s my actual dream to get a desktop computer for my home office so that I can play Civ while allegedly working on my laptop.
By plucking nipple hairs in the bathroom. Haven’t had a full-length one in 12 years.
Same except I do this to the dozen or so black hairs that grow on my boobs.
Saaaaame. Mine are so long and so…poorly rooted that I can often just yank them out with my fingers.
Omg, that sounds so painful!
Earlier this week I was supposed to be painting a Christmas card for my grandparents. Instead I spent nearly all day working on the Mad Max fanart I started but never finished a few months ago. Eventually I painted them a reindeer. I can’t send them a half-finished painting of the Valkyrie.
SAME and ALSO my armpit hairs! You just go into some sort of zen state, it’s amazing
Oh my lord I do the same thing. Unfortunately since I started doing this about 4 years ago it has escalated into a compulsion that leaves my lady area red and ugly. Sex times have become very anxiety-inducing. STOP WHILE YOU CAN DON’T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU.
Holy shit I do this
ooh, I do this but with my leg hair.
[SCENE: WINTER BREAK, MY ROOM]
MY DAD: What have you been doing in here?
ME: I was reading a report on the residential schools for Aboriginal children in Canada.
DAD: …That’s nice.
ME: They were an atrocity. Now I’m reading an article about the first black transgender model in the US.
DAD: *conveys wordlessly that my choice of reading material is Wrong*
ME: *waits for him to go away*
guys how do you deal with family members who you’re financially dependent on but who don’t understand/disdain all forms of social justice warlockery?
Foregoing details may help. I don’t know. “What am I doing? I’m reading. Tell me what you’re reading these days.” Think cocktail party with strangers. Small talk. Keep it light, impersonal. Focus on getting them to do most of the talking.
And schedule regular treats for yourself in your countdown to financial independence from them. Bonus treats for social justice warlock meetups.
Ignore them. Continue to read. Keep your mouth shut until they bring it up then NINJA FACTS WITH CITATIONS.
And that is why my cousin and his wife have never returned for another family reunion. (I ninja fact’ed one year, and my step grandma did it the second. Together, we are the reasons you shouldn’t give smart women alcohol and opportunity to crush ignorance.)
Correction: the reason you should, obvs.
I wouldn’t put it past grandma to get laser eyes after too much wine.
Look up their elementary school nuns and ask them to give him a Talk? Only thing I can think of and it might not work.
Pretty much like you did, but to excess. My ‘fiscally’ conservative Limbaugh worshiping dad used to do this, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and the internet was but a thing of legends, and all of my social justice warrior material was checked out from my high school library, which I spent more time in than in class.
DAD: “What are you reading?”
ME: *gratuitous and enthusiastic over sharing including wildly gesturing at the pages like they could see me*
DAD: *backs slowly out of the room* “LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN”
It’s been decades since. I think he learned his lesson.
Honestly? Appeal to their better natures. Like, I don’t see eye to eye with many family members on a lot of things, but I know they’re decent people who generally want to pursue good ends but do so in wrong ways or get caught up in lousy political trends (imho).
Like, when an uncle said something inane about Muslim refugees, I reminded him that he had taught Bosniak refugees a decade go and loved them; did he think that they should have been left back in the Balkans? Or, when another relative said something about how she found a trans girl at school “weird” and “gross”, I mentioned the statistics on trans homelessness, family rejection, and suicide. She, um, very quickly changed her tune on that matter.
Basically, choosing to view relatives in the most generous light can oftentimes spark meaningful dialog. They might not end up seeing things your way, but they will likely shift their perceptions and at least start to humanize groups they previously demonized.
You are so right. Drunken Uncle Bigot found out I donate to Planned Parenthood and asked me why I would support abortions. I told him PP *prevents* abortions more effectively than all other US programs combined. That shut him up. It helps that he knows I fact-check before speaking and that I won’t argue with a drunk.
Of course, y’all know I fully support abortion as well.
Gotta tailor your argument to the audience sometimes, that’s just reality.
Oh Drunken Uncle Bigot. Nice to see you again!
This sounds so much like my family! Like they’re such good people in day-to-day life with everyone around them so it truly baffles when they can say uncaring things about people because they’re not thinking about them as people so much as Fox News’ problem-of-the-week. My mom LOVES kids and was caught up in the Fox criticisms of kids crossing the border back whenever that was and I was like “Mom, they’re KIDS. Like the ones you know. Who need to be taken care of.” And I think it helped reframe things.
Find an aspect of what you’re reading they’d be into? I don’t know what that’d be for your family in particular but conservative or commie pretty much everyone has some point of overlap between their interests and a big historical topic if you dig a little bit, even if it’s just ‘the advertising world is messed up eh’. Unless they’re just totally joyless hobbyless incurious blobs in which case the standing around in awkward silence probably isn’t subject-matter related.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! The issue isn’t that my dad is actively -phobic, more that he thinks these are irrelevant and weird things for me to be interested in. He knows that I’m white, hetero, and cisgender like him, so he thinks these aren’t “our” problems and I shouldn’t “waste my time” reading stuff like this. He is strikingly blind to issues that don’t pertain directly to him. He once tried to convince me that street harassment is a compliment, for example.
I mostly deal with him by not speaking to him because “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” but then he gets angry and jealous because I talk to my mom a lot. Luckily, I’ve reached a life stage where I’m not in their house more than a few weeks per year. And I’m trying to be frugal so that I won’t need to ask for money when I finally launch my real adult life. (Which will be in another country where he doesn’t speak the language.)
An interesting twist is that I have to do a weeklong road trip with my dad soon. I do not know if both of us will survive.
Good luck on your road trip! Maybe ask your father why the problems of other types of people are not worth learning about? But please be charitable with him; he loves you. He may also wonder if you’re making yourself unnecessarily sad/angry/frustrated by reading about problems that he doesn’t think can be solved. Cut the old guy some slack, for both your sakes.
If he’s not actively -phobic and just thinks it’s irrelevant to you, point out to him that there’s a bunch of stuff you don’t need to learn about but could because it’s interesting to you, like reading about the technical specs of planes without being a pilot.
You can also change the way you frame your reading. Make it sound like you’re just keeping up with current events and trying to understand hot topic issues.
Toasties, I have a confession to make.
Eventhough I love Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, I can’t STAND Phryne Fischer…She’s so…so…perfect, un-emotional, never out of her depth, almost arrogant in her superiority, unrelatable in her perfection.
Surely I can’t be the only one who feels this way?
I know what you mean, but I love it too. I appreciate her capabilities but I also agree with a tweet I saw about her: “supercilious doesn’t even begin to cover it.” But, I love it and also her also at the same time.
Ooh, I finally looked up the meaning of supercilious, and it’s sooo true, here supercilious is also defined as:
“coolly and patronizingly haughty ” thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. I mean, she is a very giving person, but she doesn’t seem to see the people around her as equals.
I haven’t watched it precisely because I suspect that will be my reaction. Jessica Fletcher was a bit too unflappable/well-money-ed/respected/jet-setting for my taste.
She is an *actual* Mary Sue! 😛
Ooh, thanks for adding this term to my vocabulary. Apparently there are even sub-Sues, of which I think Phryne fits this one best:
“Warrior!Sues: The Warrior!Sue is usually loud, obnoxious and (of course) an amazing warrior. She’ll usually have some tragic past that led her to become a warrior, and she’ll upstage all of the Canonical characters with her mad Sueish powerz. ”
Where loud & obnoxious should be replaced by posh saviour & obnoxious
You are not alone. I wouldn’t say I can’t stand Phryne, but I certainly relate to Dot much more than I’d like to imagine.
I love her in spite of her Mary Sue-ness but I understand what you mean. I did appreciate the episode in which she was deeply afraid of spiders because it made her more human and just ever so slightly less perfect.
And also because Hugh had to find a way to pick up her diaphragm without completely freaking out.
Every time I think of that scene I laugh, actually out loud. That scene and Ross getting the leather pants stuck always can cheer me up.
The best thing about Phryne Fisher is other characters’ reactions to her.
Absolutely! Frequently Hugh annoys me but in that scene I felt compassion for him.
You are spot on–plus, the plot of each show matches every other, beat for beat. It gives Law and Order a run for its money, in terms of predictability. But I like the show for this very reason. The cookie-cutter plotting and Phryne’s hauteur require no emotions from me. I can coolly admire her splendid clothes, cheekbones, and genteelly feminist utopia mansion while I knit and sip cocktails. It’s a necessary respite from all the Jessica Jones and other rip-my-heart-out shows I’ve been watching.
I feel you… the aspect of her perfection that strikes me as the most false is her non-period-appropriate tolerance/open-mindedness. It kind of feels like they’re shirking the bad parts of having an upper class white protagonist in a series set in the ’20s? But I also think that she was sometimes overcome with emotion/fear when dealing with Murdoch Foyle, and that helped to humanize her a ton.
But she’s accidentally upper class, as it were–the back story it’s that her father was kicked out by his family and only came into the money when she was a young adult, so she grew up poor and thus had Experiences unavailable to the sheltered. You can argue whether this would really have made her as open-minded as all that in reality (poor people can be just as bigoted as the rich, after all), but that’s supposed to be her narrative get-out-of-jail-free card.
But even though she grew up poor, her background means she was never really working class, I think. It’s weird – I don’t know how many generations removed she was from the titled part of the family before WW1 happened and her father got to inherit, so it could be that she just had a titled great-great grandfather or something and is from a very minor branch of the family but she is still from an upper-class background, even without money.
I have to say, I only watch occasionally, and that’s just for the fashion porn. Like androdameia, I’m also bugged more by the anachronistic liberal-mindedness than by Miss F’s superiority.
You are not! I see why so many people find her awesome, but I ended up not able to watch the show because she did not seem to have any interiority.
I would probably feel this way if it weren’t for the backstory about her sister (which I really wish the show would get back into again!). That’s one area where she seems afraid and hurting and imperfect. Otherwise, yeah, I love her to pieces but her flawless capability in every area of her life is intimidating.
I don’t think she’s perfect though? I just think *she thinks* she’s perfect. Like Emma. Big hearted but snobbish in the class sense. Obscenely rich, so she really doesn’t value money–which can lead her to be a bit oblivious to other’s financial straights. Her carelessness puts others in harms way. And often, I find that her lipstick feathers and always smudges all over Jack’s face. I find her ultimately likable in that she invites you into her own frivolity.
“Her carelessness puts others in harms way.”
Yes. yesyesyesyesyes. Call me an anitfeminist tool to the man, but I can’t stand the way she just gallivants through Jack’s investigations eventhough he asks her not to. Way to respect people and their jobs Phryne… urgh. #notarebelliousboneinmybody
Wealth and privilege! Why bother concerning yourself with those middle-class police officers’ pedestrian wishes when you can just do what you like, secure in the knowledge that you have more social power than them.
This is exactly how I feel about book version of Phryne Fisher, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me in the show at all? Like I gave up on the book series around book 8 because I just got bored of her being absolutely right all of the time, but maybe I’m too distracted by the clothes and Jack Robinson’s face in the show for it to matter.
I despise Hugh. I know most people think he’s adorable and he and Dot are perfect for each other, but I just CANNOT agree. He’s a reactionary oaf, and Dot deserves to have the brilliant feminist man of her dreams (in Dot’s dreams his family would be Catholic too, I’m sure). Don’t be fooled by his doofy face and hot bod, Dot! You can do better!
Yes thank you. Hugh is sweet but close minded and has clearly Crap Opinions about women.
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t just enjoy their romantic bits, because I’m always looking ahead to the moment Hugh says something anti-feminist and Dot storms off.
Doofyfacehotbod is the best description of Hugh ever
His inability to understand a) why she would want to keep supporting her own football team after marrying him and b) why she would want to keep working after marrying him did not sit well with me. She is her own person, Hugh!
yeah….I haven’t watched the show yet even though pretty much everyone I know loves it because I read the first book and a) it was a terrible book that made me want to throw my ereader at the wall and b) Phryne was awful. I just…maybe the show is magic but I just don’t understand how???
Outfits. And massive smoldering UST.
I take Miss Fisher as less of a well developed character, more as like some elemental force of chaos. Like, here you have this perfectly competent policeman with the stoic failed marriage, and she waltzes in all HEY JACK REMEMBER SEX? Two idealistic communists? HEY BOYS HERE’S A SHINY NEW CAR VROOM VROOM CAN’T GET THAT IN RUSSIA. Devoutly Catholic modest ladies maid? HOLD STILL CHILD, I PUT LIPSTICK ON YOU, YOU LIKE?
And best of all, the unfussy lower middle class good protestant boy. HEY HUGH, YOU SHOULD MARRY DOT. WON’T MESS UP YOUR WORLD VIEW. PROMISE *SECRETLY TURNS DOT INTO RAGING FEMINIST*
Ooh, I do like that approach. Not a person but a force of chaos. YES. With nice clothes.
I mostly like Phryne Fisher, but I found it a bit uncomfortable, particularly in the first few episodes, to watch her use the fact that she is wealthy and upper-class to swoop in and do whatever she likes, disregarding the wishes of the working-/middle-class police. (I am sure there has been lots written about aristocratic detectives versus plebian police officers, and the weird class politics of mystery novels.)
” a bit uncomfortable, particularly in the first few episodes, to watch her use the fact that she is wealthy and upper-class to swoop in and do whatever she likes, disregarding the wishes of the working-/middle-class police. ”
THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS
I was watching an episode with my dad, who’s never seen it before and it was like:
Dad: “And she flies planes too?”
Me: “Oh yeah, she did that in the war”
Dad: “So she would have had to pretend to be a man in those times”
Me: “No…she just does things and people are cool with it because she’s Phryne. Like everything she tries, she’s just good at.”
Which was when I realised that ugh, Phryne is so irritatingly perfect you would totally hate her if she was a real person.
In the spirit of the holidays, tell me stories of your lovely but IRRITATING families!
For example, my adorable father gets VERY POUTY AND HURT when I refuse to accept his dad-ly decor ideas (all unfinished pine errythang) for my tiny, perfect little apartment.
My dad just painted the trim in his dream entertainment room/18th century tavern that he’s building. I don’t want to be the one to tell him that the blue-grey he picked is so 1980s, but… it’s so 1980s. Even my mother sees it. But coloneldad loves it utterly. Of course.
Can you “accept” his dadly decor ideas in the moment, with plans to ignore them as soon as your visit with him is over? “Yeah that sounds good, Dad. Thanks for helping.”
Aha somewhat unfortunately, we live in the same city so he likes to show up, tools in hand, mustache a-quivering with excitement about building a large shelving unit to take over my living room. It’s SO NICE but also NO
Noooooo! This is a much bigger problem than I imagined. Maybe he needs to build stuff. Maybe he needs an introduction to the director of a local nonprofit in need of custom shelving?
He’s currently occupie by building a spinning stage on which he will star in our tiny Anglican church’s Christmas pageant, so I think he’s busy at peak-dad for a bit, but that’s a good idea!
The St. Vincent’s thrift store in the town where I went to college had these gorgeous solid wood handmade chests of drawers that were super cheap. Since there was always a good supply of them, I assume they came from some dad or set of dads who needed something to do. So that’s an option.
WHAT is with dads and wanting to install shelves? When I went away to college, I came home on a break to find that he’d chopped up the ping pong table to make shelves for the garage. (We didn’t use it that often, and my reaction was less upset and more “of course Dad made shelves out of the ping pong table.”)
This holiday my parents are trying to get me to watch all of the TV shows that they’ve been watching, and while I think I will watch some of them eventually, I kind of want to save Blunt Talk to watch with my Patrick Stewart-loving boyfriend. Also, now that I’ve been through therapy for my anxiety, I’m feeling extra sensitive to both of my parents’ individual anxious tendencies, which are sort of endearing at first but very intense in aggregate.
My parents keep asking me for TV show recommendations but insist they hate Parks and Rec.
(It’s fun but it has like no gravity. Nothing serious happens. Maybe they need something “gritty” and “real”.)
I dunno, my dad fucking LOVES New Girl for some reason. I do not understand.
Hahahhaha! Yesterday my little brother said “I don’t like the show Community, but there’s a great character called Ron Swanson” so I told him my favourite Star Wars character is Spock and we went about our evenings
Obviously you need to introduce them to Steve Universe. Or Agent Carter. Or… Hannibal?
My father sends me long emails with dire warnings / instructions / life advice on really ordinary things like I’ve somehow reached the age of 35 without ever checking the weather before driving or packing for vacation. We agreed to go to hawaii with my parents for a week (why did I do that) and he is already sending me very serious emails about activities and itineraries and instructing me on what hawaii is like even though I was there 6 months ago and he has not been there for 30 years. Dadsplaining? If that has not been coined yet my dad is the ultimate Dadsplainer.
Twice this fall I’ve driven home from my parents’ house in heavy rain and twice my mom has run outside and waved me down as I was pulling away to tell me I shouldn’t use Cruise Control (which I never use, anyway) in the rain
I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about this before, but I am freaking 38 years old and my parents live in the same house that they have lived in my entire life in the town I grew up in, and my parents STILL tell me where the gas station is every time I leave to drive home.
My well meaning (but INSANELY IRRITATING) in-laws acquired a gift I said I was excited to give my sister, then mailed it to her (without telling me). It should be said that they have no real relationship to my sister, nor did they understand the significance of the gift. The only thing that keeps me from pure white hot rage, is that it is symptom of my MIL being thoughtful in the most rampantly thoughtless ways and it happens often enough that you just have to roll with it. AND they gave her something that is a D&D/fantasy/gamer in-joke, which is hilarious because they have less than no clue that it is.
Rampant thoughtless thoughtfulness is an excellent way to describe my MIL as well. She is flying out here in a couple of weeks to take me shopping for baby gear I already told her I don’t want.
I swear this is some sort of MIL MO. “I shall do what I want under the guise of pretending it is for others AND THEREFORE NOBODY CAN STOP ME.”
Christmas this year will bring my cousin who’s been living in Budapest home for the holidays. The rest of the family hasn’t seen her since her wedding. Why is this an issue? Because she left her (kinda milquetoast) husband for an older Hungarian guy. And her wedding was gorgeous and amazing, so now The Aunts are not pleased.
My cousins and I, on the other hand, don’t really care one way or another, and are excited to see her again. She’s a jet-setting cosmopolitan type of person, she’s probably much happier hanging out with a guy who doesn’t spend his weekend playing WoW.
The Aunts! Frankly the Aunts are never pleased.
My dad is a guy who loves to give gifts — which is really wonderful and hardly a thing to complain about! EXCEPT that it makes him literally impossible to go shopping with, because if you make even the vaguest positive gesture toward a thing he will spend the next half-hour urging you to get it, then an hour urging you to allow him to get it for you, then either try to SECRETLY buy it and sneak it out of the store and into your home or, if he gets caught/has recently been scolded for this type of thing and is trying to behave, just spend the next several weeks occasionally saying “That sweater was really cute, wasn’t it? We should really go back and get it. I wonder if they have it online.” Which, again, is all very generous and well-meant but ALL I DID WAS AGREE THAT THE SWEATER WAS A NICE COLOR OH MY GOD.
I would happily accept donations of dad-ly unfinished pine works, if the need arises.
My sister and her husband are wonderful and I love them to pieces but they are also 9/11 truthers who won’t drink tap water because oooOOOOooo fluoride or whatever. My sister told me that there are aborted fetuses in Pepsi, and she was 100% serious. It’s all very disheartening.
I guess times have changed! Fluoride used to be part of a Communist plot back in the ’50s…
Well, I got this email from my Dad two days ago (it’s always a quote from an article and link to the article).
“The appearance of a new episode of the Star Wars film series is an important moment for Christian witness. To be sure, we can shrug our shoulders, since Star Wars is old news. Or we can enthusiastically introduce our grandchildren to what we might think is a beloved, harmless yarn. Or we can—and should—discover in the series an occasion to sharpen our presentation of the gospel message and help our children and grandchildren, and anyone else who might be interested, to understand the culture in which they live.
In spite of the fun elements we all enjoy, the message of the film is self-consciously pagan. If this sounds harsh, check out the following elements.” http://www.ligonier.org/blog/star-wars-ancient-re…
I’ve deleted like 90% of the quote so it doesn’t go forever. But you get the idea. Grr. Argh. (SIGH…)
Star Wars supposedly having a pagan message just makes me love it MORE.
My dad is already queuing up a feud with my mom over what he predicts will be her eventual attempt to refloor the living room, apparently out of a lack of anything in the present to squabble over. She hasn’t said or done anything to indicate she has immediate designs on the floor, so far as I can tell, so one of the lines he’s been rehearsing on me is she’s going to spring this on him without warning.
In the spirit of the season, I’m already looking forward to a couple days after the upcoming Christmas-dinner redecoration precrime argument, when that will retroactively have transformed from intolerable to hilarious.
Ah yes, my dad is also an expert in getting mad at people for things he imagines they might say to him.
My father changed the start time on the invitation to our family’s big Christmas party that’s happening on Sunday and didn’t tell anyone until yesterday. It’s an open house, so it doesn’t really matter, but also, come on. MENTION THESE THINGS.
New Orleans Toasties! I have just impulse bought a ticket to NOLA for a long weekend in January to visit a friend. I’ll have a solid five nights there and I am SO excited, as I’ve never been. Hit me with your recommendations for restaurants, bars, and daytime tourist activities. Especially would love to hear about great jazz clubs!
Jackson Square! Audubon Park! Every single piece of food you can find! Frenchmen’s street! The zoo!
definitely go to preservation jazz hall, but line up early, otherwise you won’t get in, and then you will have waited for nothing. but it’s worth it. that, and just walk up and down frenchmen street. you’ll have your pick of bands to hear.
french 75 had really nice cocktails and delicious souffle potatoes. i liked mother’s for comfort food and coquette in the garden district for something actually green when i got tired of fried and rich food.
also hands down my favorite thing was the pharmacy museum.
ELIZABETH’S. It’s in the Bywater and the batter they use for frying things contains angel tears.
Erin Rose for frozen Irish coffees and po’boys (in the back).
dba on Frenchmen for all your beer-loving pleasure.
Coop’s Place for fried chicken.
We had a great time at the aquarium when it was too cold for swamp tours. They have two albino alligators!
Uptown by Tulane – Boucherie, fav place to eat.
Shaya on Magazine won like ALL the restaurant of the year awards this year. It is Israeli food, to die for pita. TO DIE FOR.
A fancy lunch at Commander’s Palace. It is old school New Orleans (men in white linen suits, grand dames) but has a fixed price lunch and 25 cent martinis.
Fried chicken has to be Willie Mae’s. Bacchanal in the Bywater for live music, nice wine and nibbles. You will be here during Mardi gras season as well, so check the schedule, roads shut/it becomes impossible to get certain places during parades. Hoorah!
If you’re going to be there at lunchtime on a Friday at all (as in, between 11 am and 2 pm), you want to go to August for the prix fixe, which is $20 and yet is super fancy and delicious (three courses, plus usually an amuse-bouche and truffles/pralines with the check).
Bars: French 75 is classic, the bartender is super nice, and seconding the recommendation to get the souffle potatoes, which are adorable little puffs of flavor. Also, I really enjoyed the cocktails and general ambiance at Loa.
Also, Verti Marte on Royal Street has A+ po boys.
Eat breakfast at the Creole Gardens Hotel. They have the best breakfast.
A question: IF you were to choose a page in a Toasties Colouring Book, which glorious scene would you wish to colour first?
Two Monks!
Does Steak Blasting count? Or was that the Hairpin coloring book I’m after? Either way, #steakblastorbust
Any scene from one of the trashy memoirs from yesterday’s thread, especially involving Old Hollywood.
“Scotty Bowers mixing drinks with his penis” would be a great scene for this.
Witches!
Something something witches.
Is there going to be a coloring book?
I think that there will be a colouring book! Hence, as a start, looking for scenery requests, since it should all be things that people *want* to colour.
Taking To The Sea, maybe? It would be a woman who looked vaguely academic/librarian-esque, because I suspect that could describe about 85% of us, and she would have hair that somehow made her look Aloof, whatever that looks like, and she would be looking over her shoulder at something on land that is not actually in the picture. She’d have one foot in a small rowboat and a big ship would be anchored a little bit off, waiting for her.
I NEED THIS. THIS IS THE ONE.
Probably the one with the ship taking to the sea. Or the one of the Schuyler sisters. Also, are you making this? Would totally buy!
Aw thanks! As a starting point, maybe make a few scenes for the colouring and share them for feedback 🙂
A big hair no heart page! Or one with bitches angrily gathering flowers.
OH YES I have changed my mind this is the one I would do first!!!
The Sophie Turner on the Iron Throne misandry gif. It is everything I love about this site in gif/image form
Big hair, no heart!! It’s become my life motto.
Toast party, with naps, a man in the corner, and an instrument not being played. (That was possibly my favorite Toast Post ever.)
MISANDRY, in full-page calligraphy.
failing that, the end scene of The Six Swans.
-a woman listening to a man in Western Art History
-a collage of If X were your Y people
-Dirtbags
-a woman in literature dying of wrist fevers or general bummers.
maenads having a grand time trampling men into the dust
Dirtbags Through The Ages.
Queen Mallory, majestic hair streaming in the wind, riding an ice sledge pulled by naked straight white men.
I want a Toast Colouring Book so badly it hurts.
Something involving Mallory’s special style of folklore, with changelings and witches, etc.
Toast puppies!
Sansa!
The Happiest Woman in the World!
My first thought was “Dirtbag Hamlet on a skateboard.”
If you could somehow turn the “white dude reading list” post into a color-able picture, I would make a beeline STRAIGHT FOR IT.
or the deleted white male reading list commenters! bouncing merrily off a wall of moderation!
or just a bunch of men crying really!
I always loved op-art and optical illusion books (coloring or not I would end up coloring them) so a maze that spells Misandry or Male Tears would be the one I’d start with. Love this idea, and definitely will buy.
I can’t colour all these first. Many are more like illustrations I’d like to see.
– Men with lutes and poetry press their works on desperately uninterested lady.
– A night bus inhabitant seeks refuge by burying themselves in their clothing.
– Serena Williams lifts Mallory up out of the dross of this world.
– A doomed wanderer of the wastes pleads with the vastness of the Preacher-Harvesters from Mallory’s post-apocalyptic visions.
– A strong-jawed woman stands at the prow and looks to the horizon as she Takes To The Sea.
– Completely Normal scenes of Normal Childhood Development.
– Characters and scenes by the White Male Writer.
– illustrations of how to accept criticism and praise. (Especially the whole cave scenario.)
– Depictions of “Why I Am Not Coming Into Work Today”: offering “trembling cupped hands full of rainwater”, “When was the last time anything in my life was that luminous?”, “I just need to hold a cup of tea as it leaches heat into my nerveless fingers”.
I’ll stop before I go on all night.
ALSO: I was ranting on Twitter this week about Emily of New Moon and I know my LMM people are here. On rereading I think the takeaway message SHOULD be “Sometimes your childhood friends are jerks and it’s okay to grow apart,” but it is definitely not. Ilse is the worst friend, Teddy is a snob, and Emily is pretty snotty herself. Perry I will allow to pass with discretion. There’s a lot in there about how Anne and Emily are different sides of the same coin (although I don’t think Emily ever goes far enough to really be considered Dark Feminine, it’s more like Light Feminine and Medium Light Feminine), and there’s a lot to unpack about the exoticism in the books, but overall the Emily books are just never ever going to be my favourites.
Emily and Isle = not a great celebration of female friendships.
I would argue that Emily’s quest is literally the hardest LMM book to read, because of Isle, Teddy (and Emily to a certain degree) just being awful people. It needed way more Perry (and way less Dean)
I’m torn between that and Mistress Pat, because they’re both personification of depression although Emily’s Quest is full of way more people being horrible to each other. I just…Emily doesn’t do herself any favours, but Ilse is just awful.
That’s why I can get through Mistress Pat easier than Emily’s Quest — I have to read Emily’s Quest through my fingers. There’s not the same toxic personalities in the Pat books.
I find the contrasts between Anne and Emily really come through much more in their adult relationships: Emily & Ilse vs Anne & Leslie
The differences in female friendship there are SO huge and so vital, you’re so right.
Anne has so many positive older female role models in her life – Marilla and Mrs Lynde (talk about a great female friendship – Marilla had her move in rather than risk having her leave town!), Mrs. Allen, Miss Stacy, Miss Lavendar, Miss Cornelia…
Meanwhile Emily had Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Nancy and Aunt Ruth (Laura doesn’t count, her only contribution to the series is leaving out her sewing scissors for Emily to stab her foot on), and that horrible and petty female teacher. I think a lot of her negative traits are absorbed from those women who surround her day in and day out. The closest thing she ever gets to someone to look up to is Eccentric Lesbian Janet Royal. There are zero level-headed, practical, heart-of-gold women like Marilla or Janet King in Emily’s universe. She never really stood a chance.
I might have read Emily as a child but I don’t remember it, so I’ve got it in my pile for Winter break reading!
Ooh ooh ooh! I wrote my thesis on the Emily books and am writing another paper on it now for a conference AND AND
So, Montgomery struggled with Emily’s Quest SO MUCH – writing in her journal about how long it was taking and how she didn’t want to finish it.
The problem seems to be that, because of her genre (and the time), the book was expected to end on a certain note – with Emily married and an overall acceptance of traditional roles. But it would have been better for Emily to just be literally married to her art. Which couldn’t happen if the book was going to be published.
So Montgomery felt kind of boxed in.
Spoilers ahead just an fyi
I’m writing about the way she allows Emily to subvert the patriarchal spaces. Even the ending, which a lot of people have a problem with, only comes after Emily rejects the very patriarchal Dean and doesn’t even accept Teddy until after she’s become financially independent through her writing, which she did her way. And, in a way, Teddy’s selfishness and self-absorption is good, because (though some disagree with my thoughts on this) Emily will be able to continue writing, because he won’t want to own or control her the way Dean and, even in some ways, Perry would have.
Ahem.
So yes, problematic on many levels, but I love it because I love looking at the ways Montgomery meets the genre and even readers’ expectations while subverting them and rejecting those same expectations.
I SO BADLY WANT TO READ THIS WHOLE THING
ME TOO.
Thirded!!!
I loved Emily A Lot as a teen, which makes me think that LMM did a really good job of capturing the inner workings of a moody, flighty girl in Emily, whereas the Anne books look as much or more at her social reception.
There’s also something in the fact that LMM wrote Emily with such characters that to identify strongly with one means the reader has to be explicit about their flaws. That’s different, to my thinking, than the immensely popular Anne or Story Girl novels.
Hmm, that’s really interesting. The first-person narration means you get a much better look at Emily’s thoughts and feelings, where Anne’s narrative is mostly focused on how the wider world accepts her (and I’d argue, how they accept her imagination and scrapes).
It has been a good decade since I read the Emily books but I remember loving them so much more than the Anne books (even though I loved Anne!). But I can’t remember what it was about them that really stood out to me.
Guess I’ll just have to go back and re-read them all!
But isn’t Emily also the worst friend quite often to Ilse? Isn’t the thing about their friendship that they’re both not the best people but they love each other anyway? Or is that just my childhood love of the Emily books talking?
Can we discuss whether her weird aunt and housekeeper were lesbian witches?
I agree with how terrible most of the characters are … but I still love the books. I feel like women weren’t allowed to be unlikeable in fiction and then LM Montgomery makes a whole series of them.
Oh Emily’s diaries … LM’s gentle mocking of how soppy and self-absorbed teens are/were. I cringed in rememberance of my own diaries at that age.
Reading thread?
Apparently all I can focus on lately are steamy romance novels, so I’m leaning extra hard into that in hopes of breaking out of my slump. Any recs, beloved Toasties? I’m reading some Christina Lauren novels at the moment.
What’s everyone reading in the last weeks of 2015? Did you have goals that you hit (or missed? I’m 10 books short right now!)
My library had the ebook of “Full Service” available so I checked it out yesterday and started reading it. It’s not terribly well written, but it’s so much fun anyhow.
I also checked out “The Arrangement” by Mary Balogh, but I haven’t started it yet, so I’m not sure if it’s good or not.
I used to really love Bertrice Small’s historical romances as a teen but when I think about them in retrospect I feel like they’re probably the kind of books I’d HATE if I read now. (Lots of rape, women constantly getting sold into slavery to become lovers/wives of sultans, etc.) However they were my first introduction to sex in books, SO there’s that!
(I don’t have any other romance suggestions, but I’ve got a stack of books from the “Her Royal Spyness” series by Rhys Bowen sitting on my coffee table at home, and a week off from work, and I’m excited to dive in. They are the BEST cozy mystery historical fiction books.)
I started reading the “White Trash Zombie” series last week. It’s so good that I’m already on book 3. The romance portion of it is “meh” so far, but overall it’s an amazing series. I spent Audible credits on it and YMMV on hearing it read in a generic redneck chick voice, but it works for me.
I’m going to have to return Carry On to the library because I won’t have time to read it before my trip and I can’t renew it because of outstanding holds 🙁
I wasn’t able to check out Carry On from the library before my trip, so I feel your pain. 🙁 I may check it out from my hometown library on Monday despite the fact that I am getting a massive influx of books for birthday/Christmas at the end of next week.
worth putting another hold on it! I really liked it, and I love how RR’s books are all super different from one another.
I dug into Elizabeth Bowen’s “A House In Paris” last night, and it contains some Very Good Lines. A sampling: “It is a wary business, walking about a strange house you know you are to know well. Only cats and dogs with their more expressive bodies enact the tension we share with them at such times. The you inside you gathers up defensively; something is stealing upon you every moment; you will never quite be the same again.”
I’m trying to read Fates & Furies since a trusted friend gave it to me with purpose, but it’s slow and I keep getting side-tracked by how much I resent couples who “look beautiful together.” I knowwww it will pick up, but I’m being stubborn.
I’m currently reading Raising Steam and am half-determined, half-resigned-to-the-fact that I am going to finish Discworld this year. I almost skipped Raising Steam entirely, but then I read the dedication to The Shepherd’s Crown and, knowing what was coming, burst into tears and put the book down. I’m gonna need a good cry next week, though, so it should all work out.
I feel you. Fair warning – the afterward in The Shepherd’s Crown is both the most perfect thing they could have put in the end of the last Terry Pratchett book and made me cry for about an hour.
I just finished The Hollow Land by Jane Gardam – thought it was a lovely little book, very clearly written and not too twee and precious (which was a relief). Next up will be Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett! once I pick it up from the library, that is.
I’m still three books short of my goal right now. Not sure if I’ll be able to reach 35 before the end of the year, but by gum I’ll try.
I just bought Feet of Clay and am so excited to dive in once I finish The Bone Clocks. I’ve read Feet many times before, but I didn’t own it, which was clearly a Grave Error. For me it’s peak Night Watch — anyone want to argue with me about that???
I don’t want to argue, as such, but “Night Watch” is peak Night Watch and nothing could ever convince me otherwise.
I cannot decide whether Feet of Clay or Men at Arms is more peak Night Watch (obviously Men at Arms does not have Cheery in, which is a shame, but I think I may still like it slightly more). The first three Watch books are three of my favourite Discworld books ever.
I just finished The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath this week, which was heavy and tough to get through in a lot of places, but so good!
Now my brain is tired though, and I don’t know what I want to read next. Something light, something fun. I would start The Martian, but I want to end the year with a woman author, since I started the year with the intention of only reading woman authors (I ended up reading about 86% women overall). Any suggestions for something light that I can take on a Christmas roadtrip for the next couple of weeks?
Have you read Signal to Noise by Silvia Moreno-Garcia? It’s kind of like The Craft with a kickass soundtrack (which is maybe a weird description for a book, but it’s true)
ETA: The Fairyland Series by Catherynne Valente. They’re aimed at younger readers, but they are just so lovely and heartfelt
I haven’t read Signal to Noise before, but I’m definitely going to check that out! The Goodreads summary of it looks good! I’ve already read the Fairyland Series (last Christmas, actually, they were good holiday books!), and really did enjoy those!
Wow, that is a great description. Definitely going on my amazon wishlist.
have you read the Parasol Protectorate series by Gail Carriger? Light and quite fun. The first is Soulless.
I haven’t! I will check it out though, thanks!
I finally finished A Little Life and guys. I think I need some therapy after that. I just started Flight by Sherman Alexie, but I really need to find some romance novels to counterbalance all that ish.
Jenny Crusie writes my favorite contemporary romances, my favorite of hers is Faking It, which has lots of banter, and hot sex, and many characters. The most generally popular one of hers is Bet Me which I like but it has insufficient banter. All of them hit a sweet spot for me of affection and romance, and banter and the people involved.
Courtney Milan writes my favorite historical romances, and she has lots, and I love them all and they all have friend groups and amusements and psychology.
I’ve been in kind of a reading slump, but I’ve been slowly working my way through My True Love Gave to Me, which is a book of YA holiday romance short stories. I wish they hadn’t put Rainbow Rowell’s first, since she’s my favorite author in the collection, but there have been some other good ones that might lead to me picking up books by new-to-me authors.
If you’re into historicals, Elizabeth Hoyt’s Maiden Lane series are pretty steamy. The heroes are a bit too “alpha” for me but I have a VERY low tolerance for that.
I am reading The White Tiger right now, which I’m enjoying. I’m also listening to an audio book of Richard Armitage reading Georgette Heyer on my commute and it is hilariously wonderful.
It’s because I also decided to read things that weren’t part of the challenge, but I massively, massively missed my goal of finishing my Bestseller Challenge list (one book from each of the NYT bestseller lists for the week of my birthday, starting from the year of my birth and ending with 2014) this year. I’d wanted to finish by my birthday this year, in October, but as of right now I still have 4 books left to go. Ah, well. I’ll just tack something from the 2015 list onto the end and carry the rest over into 2016.
Wow! That is a cool challenge. Any standouts?
A few, actually! There were some that I went in expecting to like and then, to no great surprise, did enjoy, like The Blind Assassin (Margaret Atwood) or The Historian (Elizabeth Kostova).
That said, one of my reasons for doing the challenge was to read stuff I ordinarily might not/hadn’t ever given a chance, so I think I’d have to say the standouts for me were things like Legend, a romance novel from Jude Deveraux I really enjoyed (it’s fun and more than a little ridiculous, the perfect escape) or Karleen Koen’s Through A Glass Darkly (big soapy historical fiction/romance book that wound up being one of my top 5 reads of the year). One of the other books I read was The Shell Seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher, which I’d always thought of as a ‘Mom book’ (mainly because my mom actually got my sister’s name from that exact book, since she was reading it while pregnant with her)–it wasn’t totally one of my favorites, but I’m glad to have read it and feel like I know my mom a little better now for having done so.
Oh wow, I love this idea! I am going to spend my workday going through the lists and picking out books.
If you’re looking for somewhere that has them all in one place (though this might be true of the NYT site itself, actually), I used the hawes.com archives: http://www.hawes.com/pastlist.htm
Thanks! That is the site I’ve been using (it’s a very, very slow time for me at work). There sure are some dud years in the 90s.
I am reading The Sisters Brothers. Kate Beaton recommended it to me at a signing I she did at SPX earlier this year, because she is perfect and can also expertly recommend you books, apparently. It’s a western that came out a few years ago and is a fun adventure about two brothers who are also assassins, one of whom is the narrator and just doesn’t seem to like his job very much. And he has a lovely, but useless horse named Tub. It’s very charming and also surprisingly deep in regards to sibling relationships.
That sounds fantastic! Adding to my TBR
My son stole my copy of deWitt’s new novel, Undermajordomo Minor, and I had to return it to the library – am waiting for it to come off hold again. Anyway, what I managed to read of it (2 chapters) was just as excellent & funny as The Sisters Brothers, but instead of playing with Western tropes, deWitt plays with Gothic Fantasy tropes.
I’m finishing a 19th-century Sci Fi/Fantasy trilogy with H.G. Wells as one of its main characters. The first one featured time travel, the second a martian invasion, and the third focuses on parallel universes. Not my usual fare, but I’m enjoying it nonetheless.
This was a weird reading year for me. I was doing my Master’s until September, so I spent March-September re-reading 5 or 6 Victorian novels over and over again, and then reading a ton of secondary research about them. No time for ‘fun’ reading (which for me is usually Victorian novels, so that’s not a real complaint). My first read after I finished my dissertation was The Goldfinch, which I found depressing. I think I’ll finish the year with a Harry Potter reread as a sort of emotional palette cleanser.
Reading V.E. Schwab’s “A Darker Shade of Magic” right now. Reminds me a bit of both Susanna Clarke and Neil Gaiman. It’s early yet, but so far I like it. Also 100 pages into Chernow’s Hamilton and have G. Willow Wilson’s The Butterfly Mosque and M.T. Anderson’s The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing (Vol. 1 & Vol. 2) on deck.
Does your steamy romance reading already encompass Courtney Milan? I just discovered her a few months ago and wow they are the first romance novels I have ever really liked myself. Right now I am reading the Victorian ones and historically they are AWFUL but well I knew that going in, so I just forget that they are supposed to be in any real time period and enjoy the lovely characters and wonderful scenes of people overcoming their trust issues and all the steam.
Aside from Courtney Milan we are rereading Microserfs which is very surreal because it is remarkably reflective of our actual life in 1995 except with more intelligent dialogue in places, and also rereading Ellen Ullman’s Close to the Machine which is a 1997 memoir about being a female software engineer, so it goes very well with Microserfs. 🙂
Yeah, I do have one or two Courtney Milans on deck at the moment! I haven’t read her before but she came up in another toast thread not long ago and I’ve yet to be steered wrong by Toasties.
They are definitely the most Toastie books ever, it is all about consent and trust and mutuality and hot hot sex. And fortunately she has written tons!
I just finished Station 11 and decided Brideshead Revisited was not worth my time so I am in that fun phase of about-to-start a couple new things! Specifically Half a Yellow Sun and The Wizard of Earthsea.
I also just finished Station 11! And I wished there was more Jeevan, but otherwise enjoyed it very much!
I would not have minded more Jeevan and really his whole community, which seemed a pleasant respite from some of the rest. I liked Kristen a lot and liked her as the focus, and was pleased that she and Clark had the chance to compare notes on Arthur at the end. It seems like something that would have been super meaningful to both of them.
The Wizard of Earthsea and the rest of the trilogy are SO GOOD but then afterwards you get to read Tehanu which is EVEN BETTER.
Noted 🙂
I binge-read trashy romances when I’m stressed/depressed, and as ’tis the season for Holiblahs, I have read absolutely everything by Christi Caldwell. Would recommend. They’re all historical, a lot of them are kinda intertwined. Some are better than others. She does the “dark, brooding, possibly evil” trope really well.
according to my goodreads challenge page, I am on 47 books this year (I had a goal of 40) – though some of them were audiobooks/ebooks read on airplanes and I cannot promise you that I retained *cough* any *cough* of a few of those texts.
currently, I’m reading a picasso biography, some poetry, and jonesing for that rosemary kennedy bio. I really enjoyed anne morrow lindbergh’s “letters and journals” this year, and I loved reza aslan’s “zealot” …I felt like it made a lot of sense to me in terms of understanding greater historical context re: life of jesus and the early church, which was a long-term hangup, so… yanno.
(side note: looking at my book list for this year: why so many bios, 2015?)
I have a few things that I started and never finished this year that I’d like to pick back up with more intention in january.
I feel, however, like my brain isn’t processing anything complicated and that’s why I’m dragging through things and maybe I should just jump ship and read some trashy romances. ugh, december.
I’m on an intellectual sci-fi kick! I just finished Ancillary Mercy and I’m now reading Planetfall, which is pretty good and that mix of sci fi and mystery that I love.
If I finish three books by the end of the year, I’ll be at 150 for the year, which is only 100% because of grad school, and to be honest I really didn’t read many of them word for word as much as dissect them for parts, so it feels a little dishonest to claim them but whatever.
I have no idea, actually, how many books I will read in a year now that I’m a busy adult but also not required to read anything for school!
If you like sci fi, figuring out mysteries, and lady buddy quests, can I just shout from the rooftop that I think maybe 95% of toasties would LOVE Rosemary Kirstein and her steerswoman series?
It’s feminist, it’s extraordinarily detailed and complex, and it has some of the most incredible world building I’ve ever seen.
You can buy them for a couple dollars on smash words, she has a link to them on her website.
Friends, I do not wear high-heeled shoes, and I have got a lot of problems with the cultural pressures on women regarding them BUT I also like weird fashion and I hope everyone can find a place in their life where they can find shoes that are meant to look like a cartoon robot from a popular movie, like for instance these:
http://www.instructables.com/id/BB-8-Heels/
AAAAAAAAAH I WANT THOSE.
I share your feelings on heels and think these would also work as super cute flats!
Someone made an mention in the comments (earlier this week? Last week? What is time) about something that was always a guarantee to get a certain teacher they had off topic for the rest of the class, which got me thinking about all the ways people tried to distract my teachers in high school.
I had one English teacher who would occasionally get SUPER into whatever the bestselling/beloved piece of Literature that year was, and would therefore love to talk about it, to the point where sometimes she could be convinced to spend a whole class period just reading to us from the book instead of giving us a quiz or whatever we were supposed to do that day.
What all were your teachers obsessed with to the point of being willing to give up their lesson plans for the day? Or for any teacher Toasties out there, what subjects will you willingly get off track for so you can spend the class talking about them?
I bought one of my college professors Mickey ears at Disney World one year and he not only wore them for the entire class, we spent about half of it talking about Disney World.
It was so easy to get him off topic. AND he looked (looks) like Paul Rudd. I’m sorry Josh, you were too distracting, that is the real reason I took all of your classes, but thanks for teaching me hydrogeology in the process.
PAUL RUDD PAUL RUDD
I had an algebra teacher who would reliably get off-topic whenever we asked him personal questions. Not because he was actually talking about his life, no–he’d bullshit answers like a pro. For example, his first name was Ali, so when we asked him when his birthday was he’d say he doesn’t have one because Ali is short for alien, and aliens don’t have birthdays.
I took a class called Race, Gender, and Sexuality in the Mass Media my senior year of college. Almost every class resulted in a cathartic feminist rant session about things totally unrelated to the readings we were assigned but were too lazy to do (I blame senioritis). All it took was one person digressing and all hope was lost for covering the material.
I sometimes felt bad for the one guy in my class when we inevitably devolved into Cathartic Feminist Rant Time which was only tangentially related to the readings, but then I realized that it was probably one of the best educations he could get about what it is like being a woman today and what kind of issues we face that he had never even thought to think about, so I stopped feeling bad. Also we all really needed that catharsis.
I had a French professor once who couldn’t resist giving advice for homeopathic remedies. All you had to do was show up looking kind of tired (not hard) and say you hadn’t slept well, and then you could chill for at least half an hour while she nattered on delightedly about valerian and whatnot.
My English teacher in fourth grade was this older tenured man who was lovely and interesting but didn’t give a shit, so we would do like one week a quarter of grammar stuff and spend the rest of the time drawing horses from his model horse collection.
I had one teacher who just really loved Norway. She taught us French.
I had a pre-algebra teacher in high school who loved the movie Tommy Boy and would put it on if we were able to start the quote riff train long enough.
Also, he once threw a chair at us, and had loud conversations with his ex-wife during tests, so who knows what other tangents we could have gotten him on. Tommy Boy was safe.
I had that dude’s soul mate as a US History teacher, I think. He once threw a desk at a kid who didn’t put his name on a quiz and would derail entire lectures to talk about movies.
A biochem professor who was from Kansas City and loved to talk about KC BBQ, and would then tangent off into her own culinary prowess.
She was a nun (but, like, a cool nun) and would go into LASCIVIOUS, EROTIC detail about her tomato sauce recipe.
yes, me! in the kennedy-hatred comments! We also heard a lot about that same teacher’s boyfriend who drowned while they were in college, and how much more she liked teaching at Boston Latin, and her nephew who was an investment banker and bought her flowers every week and was apparently her only human contact outside of her classes. Once she let one of the seniors give us a class-long lecture about football strategy and what plays the hs team used. PLUS somehow she was inobservant enough while lecturing that the delinquents in my class could set desks on fire with the axe trick and also sometimes wads of paper, and she never once noticed.
It’s really pretty remarkable that I learned enough Latin to enjoy it and then go on to major in it in college.
YES! That was you about the Kennedy’s! I was racking my brain but just couldn’t recall the topic at hand.
Also it seems to me that Latin teachers must be required to be some kind of wacky because ooooooh the stories I could tell about my high school Latin teacher (I’m honestly amazed I learned any Latin at all).
seriously. I always felt a little bad, though, because I’m pretty sure she was just MASSIVELY lonely. Never married or had kids- I think partly because of previously drowned boyfriend- and she only ever talked about the one nephew, no other family or friends to speak of.
Maybe I’m super boring (I’m probably pretty boring), but that strategy doesn’t work on me. If students ask personal questions, that’s fine, I’ll answer or I won’t, but that doesn’t take longer than a minute. If we happen to have a day with a little bit of wiggle room in the curriculum, I might let it go on for 5 minutes – a lot of kids want to talk about my pregnancy and today they wanted to discuss c-sections – but otherwise? Nah.
They do *try* though, and usually they ask about the baby or my daughter.
My 8th grade English teacher once spent an entire class period telling us in detail why trickle-down economics is a garbage theory invented by garbage people. It was very enlightening.
My French teacher in highschool was quite an awful woman, and we could distract her by letting her tell us about how absolutely Wónderful and Just So Spécial & Belóved By All her children were. It was both awful and fascinating.
My grade-eight English teacher was obsessed with Martha Stewart (this was way pre-jail) so she would always talk forever about her, or general household cleaning/decorating.
In grade 11, the English teacher was very into Sister Wendy so if we could tie whatever we were talking about into art, we would hear all about her.
In 10th grade US History, two of my best friends and I managed to derail an entire class period by getting our teacher to give us his rankings of the presidents, complete with commentary. When there started to be a lull, we would ask about another president and where he would fall in the rankings. I strongly suspect that our teacher knew exactly what we were doing, but hey, we were obviously showing interest in something connected to the course content, so why not indulge us?
I eventually married a historian and make him do the same thing on occasion.
OH! I also had an amazing high school teacher who was stupid wealthy, taught just for funsies, and was one of the most interesting men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was the chef of the annual Explorer’s Club insect banquet and he would bring in the leftovers for us (tarantula is actually pretty tasty, go figure) and he had a story for everything.
Here is an interview in Bon Appetit magazine with him.
One time I asked him if he could get me a pet skunk. He paused, turned around and grabbed a little black book out from behind his desk, flipped through a few pages, and said “I can get you half a dozen?” That was unfortunately too many pet skunks, and have yet to own a pet skunk.
I am so intrigued by this book!
My AP US History teacher was an interesting guy. I thought he was a great teacher, but he was really nonlinear in his lectures and the course therefore required a lot of outside work to brush up on what he didn’t explicitly cover.
Anyways, his pet topic was Mormonism. His wife and son were Mormon, he was not. He really loved and respected his wife, it was obvious, but also struggled incredibly with aspects of the religion, and so when we got to the Great Awakenings and religious history of America, he’d get wildly off-topic and spend weeks discussing it. Fascinating but also not super helpful for the AP exam.
HS English teacher: Vietnam or his wife (usually in relation to holidays like “What are you doing for her Valentine’s Day?”)
HS Calc teacher: Various ways that Reagan destroyed America or Republicans in general
HS Econ teacher: His prostate cancer (we never asked, but he talked a lot about it) and his girlfriend who worked at Kimberly Clark (mostly he talked about the products they make)
My high school English teacher could be reliably distracted by questions about her travels (she had lived in many countries prior to settling in our sleepy midwestern backwater). We spent a lot of time talking about religions of the world instead of, oh, The Old Man and the Sea or whatever.
We had Tractor Day in my high school math class. The teacher was a vintage tractor collector, and he had a calendar of vintage tractors, and the last day of every month he would turn the page to next month and explain to us all the fine details of that particular tractor. Among a class of 24 high school students there was not one single fuck to give about tractors, but we were thrilled we got to skip a day of math.
One of my mom’s high school teachers knew the family that was murdered from In Cold Blood, so all they had to do to get out of class was name-drop Truman Capote and she was off.
I went to pastry school and many of my teachers were Swiss-German who had moved to Canada early on in their careers, been successful bakers/cake decorators/pastry chefs/chocolatiers, then married and raised their children (born in Canada) and eventually transitioned into roles as professors.
We had a particularly stern and intimidating professor that taught many of our theory classes, and he could always be derailed by any mention of what he believed to be the world’s worst combination of flavours – peanut butter and chocolate. So many rants. So many Swiss German-accented complaints about the North American palate.
I have endured this rant from my German stepmother-in-law countless times, except her variation is how marzipan is superior to all other candies and she can’t buy it here in the US (patently untrue) because of our uncultured palates.
Ugh, yes, the German love of marzipan was a source of contention between the teens-and-early-twenties Canadian students and our late forties-early-fifties Swiss-German professors.
The same teacher taught our chocolate lecture class, and we would delight in waiting for him to say in his clipped, formal accent “Okay, any questions?” so we could repeatedly ask him how they get the caramel inside the Caramilk bar, then dissolve into giggles at his look of exasperation.
The pastry program at my school is almost completely female students, so we also exasperated our teachers by taking any opportunity to make penis-shaped products, which would then be too offensive to sell in the school’s store, enabling us to eat them ourselves. (Penis shaped bread rolls, penis shaped eclairs, penis shaped gingerbread cookies…)
My high-school math teacher – a great teacher and overall human – could reliably be lured off-track with any mention of our school’s annual fundraising penny drive. All the teachers competed to see who could bring in the most pennies to buy holiday gifts and school supplies for kids in the community, and my math teacher had a years-long rivalry with one of the English teachers. They alternated winning the drive each year and would cheerfully pit their students against each other. It escalated into them playing gentle pranks on each other like putting the English teacher’s lectern in the main display case. He regaled us for hours with tales of their antics 🙂
I had a history teacher in high school who was absolutely crazy about Ronald Reagan. It was a little soul-killing to ask him “so, tell us again why he was the greatest president ever?” but god damn it, it WORKED.
…was this class AP European History, by any chance? Because I may have had this same teacher.
My anthropology teacher at my first community college was a member of the Earth Liberation Front and loved to regale us with stories of his “youthful terrorist days” sabotaging construction equipment.
Also, his youthful ayahuasca days. There were a lot of stories about experimenting with indigenous hallucinogens.
Teacher here, albeit outdoor ed. I have been known to get off topic about various social topics, i.e. the time my students got me talking about gender roles and expectations.
also, I was trained as a microbiologist, so they get me going about infectious diseases sometimes.
One of my high school German teachers was super fundamentalist christian (this is in New Zealand, where being very religious is Not A Thing), and every year coming up to the end of October we could get her off-task for a whole period ranting about the evils of Halloween and how it was this American thing to get us all to worship the devil. Good times, my friends, good times.
Late to the Open Thread as usual but my high school physics teacher would get HIMSELF off track. He was kind of whack-a-do. We’d come in from the hallway to find him perched on a stool in the front of the class with almost all the lights off (except the ones right above his head) and strumming on his guitar. Or he’d decide to take the class period and read us poetry. He read one poem about some kind of fruit (peach, plum, something juicy) that was basically an extended metaphor for oral sex. My best friend got kicked out of class that day for being unable to hold in her snorts and giggles. In retrospect, it was all wildly inappropriate and an actual adult (cause this guy didn’t qualify) should probably have been alerted, but then we would have had to actually learn physics so…
Ooh, I have a great one for this! My 8th grade science teacher, who fancied himself a bit of a middle-aged playboy (he would disappear for long weekends and come back mysteriously tanned [I live in Pennsylvania] and was said to have dated much younger blondes), was obsessed with the looming possibility of the next Ice Age. I remember we watched a lot of documentaries about it and he was certain it was going to happen very soon. If we ever wanted to get him off-topic for an entire class, all we had to do was ask a question about the impending Ice Age. He was a weird dude.
I have a question for Toasts who are caregivers to ill/elderly people, either professionally or ‘informally’ i.e. family members or similar. Putting it in the reply because it’s long.
The question comes from reading the Matthew Teague article about caring for his wife as she was dying from cancer that was all over the internet about six months ago (I think it was linked in a Link Roundup). I only read it the other day and it got me to thinking more deeply about the whole issue of caregiving, Basically the author just seemed to have become so burnt out and emotionally drained by the end of the process that it was as though he hated or at least resented his wife, plus her pain medication seemed to be affecting her personality, making the process all the more difficult. It made me wonder if, in reacting to the mid-20th century horror of ‘dumping relatives in a home’, the societal message is now putting pressure on ordinary people to take on massively challenging caregiving roles that really should be done by a professional. I don’t mean people should ‘abandon’ their old or ill loved ones – what I mean is: in the effort to Do The Right Thing, people have (maybe!) internalised the message that full-time professional care is Bad and Soulless and a Good Spouse/Child/Friend/whatever should take on the whole burden themselves, without really understanding what they’re letting themselves in for?
Note: I know that in many many cases, especially in the US, care of ill or elderly people is entirely dependent on voluntary unpaid work done by family members or similar because there simply isn’t any other option, due to cost/lack of safety net etc. That is also relevant and worth discussing.
I guess what I’m wondering is: if you are or have been a caregiver, do you think it’s better for everyone for it to be completely home/family based and informal, with someone giving up their time voluntarily, or should there be more willingness to call in the full-time professionals/institutions, especially when things get really challenging?
I think caregiving is a job and should be treated as such, and that providing good care AND having family/friends participate closely in the process are not mutually exclusive. However I have zero experience of this so my opinions are still essentially untested. I would love to hear what Toasties think!
My grandma had Alzheimers and lived with us for years, my mom being her primary caregiver (with my dad and I assisting) until she needed round the clock Alzheimers care (a locked floor). My mom will be the first to tell you that professional respite was an absolute lifesaver, both in allowing her to have a break and for getting another set of eyes to note what was normal.
I think you’re right in that the horror of The Nursing Home has definitely made a huge impact on people,but caregiving is absolutely not something everyone can do. It’s very hard,very heavy thankless work, and plenty of people just cannot do it, which I think is stigmatized a bit when it shouldn’t be. No one is saying to dump Aunt Bernice at Shady Acres Rest Home ‘n’ Mortuary, but full time care is a JOB. A huge one. Not one everyone can do.
Giggling at ‘Shady Acres’! 😀
I think professional caregivers should be provided to families that want, or obviously need assistance. Granted, my thinking hasn’t gone beyond that such as who pays, how and how many hours, etc.
But I’m biased as my sister and I were in a caretaking role as children when my mom was having lots of MS attacks. My dad had to work, so during the summers, we kept an eye out for her, and during the school year, I know I worried a lot about her being home alone. I must have been 7 or 8 when this started. Granted she wasn’t terribly disabled, but I think it would have eased my mind to know someone would come in and at least check on her when I wasn’t around.
I’m currently reading ‘Being Mortal’ by Atul Gawande and it is about how the medical system deals with old age, and naturally touches on what you’ve said in your comment. From what I can see, he agrees with you in that caregiving is a job and often family members are not emotionally/physically equipped to do so and that is ok.
I’ll get back to you on this topic in about five hours because after that, I’ll have had an opportunity to talk to my mom who spent most of her nursing career as a homecare worker providing caregiving services for people who needed it.
Oh thank you! I look forward to hearing your mother’s take!
Definitely more willingness to bring in professional help/institutions when things get to a point where they need to be. In fact even before it becomes overwhelming is key.
Story: My grandmother suffered from dementia. She lived with my parents for almost 20 years, until the end of her life. When she first started living with them, she was fairly active and mobile and could get around. She slowly lost mobility along with her short term memory, and became more and more fragile. It became more and more of a challenge to care for her, and my mother’s life gradually grew narrower and narrower as it became harder and harder to leave my grandmother alone – even for a few minutes. My grandmother never did anything to harm herself or anyone else, and she was “charming to the last” – she was a lovely person. But still, it took such a toll on my family. I would much much rather have seen my mother place her in a situation with 24 hour care, gone and visited her every day, and had her own life. Better to have done so when my grandmother was still emotionally able to handle the transition. SO MUCH BETTER.
I honestly don’t know whether the situation would be the same for a cancer sufferer. I don’t know what kind of care is available, but if it is there, if I was the one with cancer, I would want to be in it. If it had the comforts of home (like, if I had access to my books and my husband visited every day and I had warm things to wear and good things to eat), I would want that, rather than having my husband become a full time caregiver. This would be even more true if we had kids, which we do not.
I just, well, I’ve seen what it can do to someone, the emotional exhaustion of being the only 24-hour caregiver. If cost isn’t an issue, I believe you should use your resources to help those you love get the care they need.
I was the live-in caregiver for my grandmother for nine months. She was also under hospice care (professional nurse checked on her every week). As Aravis said, it was essential that I have time off because 24-hour keeping grandma company is shockingly exhausting, and also yeah, another person taking a shift would notice something was wrong that I had gradually gotten used to over time.
I did get paid for it besides room and board, which wasn’t essential but they had been paying a nursing student to sit with her (she couldn’t be alone) and they weren’t about to offer me nothing just because i was family.
So in my experience, having family was good for grandma, just because who wants to get sick and die with some stranger in your house? But if you have family in town, the ideal would be to have a rotating cast where grandma gets herself up, someone comes in to make some food and get her meds in her, someone else takes her shopping, someone else watches the news with her, someone else stays the night, you get what I’m saying? Because honestly this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and I’ve left an abusive relationship just so you get an idea of the scale I’m talking about).
tl;dr Everyone can volunteer what they are able to volunteer but paid professionals are an important part. Especially when you consider we have the tradition/law of 8-hour workdays for a reason.
Also, everything we’ve ever said here about emotional labor.
About 30 years ago, my mom was parenting three adolescents and providing care to her infirm father. It was way too much and although I was too young to be in on the conversations, it seemed that she was the sibling (of 4, all local) providing the lion’s share of the care and it was a burden on our family. When Gramps went into a home (based on her research/legwork), it was better for our family but I know my aunt and uncles were unhappy about it.
None of my siblings nor I are in the same state as our parents, so professional care will be required. No one talks about this, of course. I am fairly certain that my mom will seek help as she needs it with my dad, based on her experiences with her own father, but I keep my ears open to try to make sure.
‘ No one talks about this, of course’
That is such a big thing too. I have no idea what kind of care my parents would prefer, and I will just have to guess as time goes on and it becomes an immediate issue, because there is no way they will be talking about it (to their children, any way). I really wish discussing plans and preferences for illness or dying situations was more normalized as a topic of discussion in society, because not talking about can cause so much trouble and misunderstanding. I mean, I can understand why people don’t want to talk about it, but I still wish they/we would.
I’ve talked about it with my mom a bit and really recommend having the conversation – particularly as it relates to the financial side of things. If your parents have long-term care insurance it can make things a lot easier to deal with when the time comes.
I would like to but I can’t see my parents being up for it – communication, especially on Difficult Subjects, is not big in my family. It’s quite possible my parents have discussed it among themselves, but don’t want to discuss it with The Children (the youngest of whom is 30 years old)
It’s definitely worth a try, though – they will probably shut down, but worth broaching at least!
My mother passed away from cancer about two and a half years ago and we cared for her the whole time. In her particular case though, her health deteriorated a great deal very quickly. She took a trip with my dad and her siblings to London and Rome where she did a all the typical tourist things, albeit with more difficulty, and less than three months later she was gone. She was put on palliative care around a month and a half before she passed, so while my dad, brother and I were doing most of the day to day stuff, there were frequent visits from professional nurses and counselors, etc. to help with bigger things and to give us advice and support. It was definitely hard on all of us, I think harder than we realized or fully understood at the time. But I think because it happened so quickly by the time a full time caregiver would have been needed, there wasn’t really much more that could have been done. Personally, I think I would have liked someone there full-time just for the last couple days so that none of us, with out limited experience, would have had to be alone with her. But ultimately there was someone there in the final moments, and that helped as much as anything could. I think any way you handle that kind of situation it’s going to be really hard, and there are going to be people who think you should have done something else. That situation worked well for us, as well as any could, but it probably wouldn’t for many. My dad works from home, I was home from school for the summer, and my brother was between jobs; additionally we had a larger family support system nearby. But a lot of people don’t have that so yeah, it really just depends.
So, my father has terminal cancer and dementia. My mother is his primary caregiver, but I come home a lot, even though I’m currently in graduate school several states away from my parents. Since my father is on hospice care, we have people coming in a lot — in fact, almost every day during the week — a nurse, a physical therapist, a social worker, and a couple of people who just hang out with my dad while my mom runs errands. But, generally, they’re only here for an hour, or maybe a few hours. My mother is around most of the time.
I am a strong proponent of family caring for family (see above re: my coming home frequently). But, to me, the ideal situation is that you have a larger family or a larger support system (friends, &c.) caring for a person, so that the primary caregiver does not burn out or feel isolated. Even with me coming as often as I can, and even with all of these fabulous professional caregivers coming in (and they really are wonderful), my mom is often exhausted. Things would be easier if my family had a stronger base of support in my hometown (i.e., family, close friends), but they don’t.
So, I don’t know. Being terribly ill and dying must feel profoundly isolating. I really do think that it is a duty to try to make that less isolating for the people you love. But, certainly, you are not honoring your relationship with a person if caring for them makes you resent them. Situations like this are difficult all around — ideally, it’s possible to strike a balance between care by professionals and care by loved ones. We are, at present, relatively lucky in that my father is not really in pain, and he is mostly lucid; he just forgets things.
I don’t know that I really answered the question, though. I obviously have a lot of thoughts about this (ask me about dementia sometime!), but I suppose there are no secure answers.
(P.S. All of these things about emotional work, too, merit addressing! …! But I have already written a lot.)
This is a really serious issue! I write for a website that focuses on the audience of caregivers and I’ve been one myself (for my father, but along with a few other people – I definitely did not get the heaviest load of us all). In a lot of cases, something like assisted living or in-home care really is called for, but it’s either unaffordable or family members feel guilty at the idea of passing the buck and therefore go through cycles of depression, deal with immense stress, and watch the rest of their lives little by little fall to pieces around them because they’re giving everything they’ve got to caring for someone who has a lot of needs.
This is exactly the kind of situation I fear people are getting themselves into out of a misguided belief that getting professional care is, as you said ‘passing the buck’. It would be so helpful if we as a society could get more comfortable with talking about this and get the message across that love does not = complete self-abnegation. Getting professional care help for your loved one does not mean you don’t love them enough. It really ties in with the unreasonable pressure put on mothers to be totally self-sacrificing, and with the expectations around women and caregiving more generally.
I work in estate planning and elder law, so despite never being a caretaker myself, I regularly speak with people who are.
Spouses don’t get as burnt out, but often after the death of a terminally ill spouse, they themselves become very ill. This happened to both of my grandmothers- within 6 months of the deaths of their husbands of whom they were caretakers, both had developed cancer. I see this with countless clients – mostly wives losing their husbands.
Children get more burnt out caring for their parents. I think the role reversal of caring for someone who once cared for you can be psychically exhausting also. You are ceasing to act in a role you once occupied and it strips a bit of the relationship away. I always recommend to my clients who can afford to do so to hire full time care. Being able to enjoy leisure time makes your ability to care for a terminal person less of an arduous lifestyle and more of task that will be accomplished until the next break.
My mother died of cancer, in our home. The paid, professional in-home caregivers who helped with her hospice care were a fucking godsend. Nursing is hard, skilled work and involves hurting someone you love in a way that they (if they are coked out on morphine and you need to help them clear their lungs) cannot always understand is helping.
If financially feasible, qualified in-home health help, particularly for the end of an illness, can make a truly, truly shitty process slightly less horrible.
My mother is a home hospice director, and many people do want to be able to die at home rather than in a clinical setting, but some of that is fear of the alternative. There are ways for them to receive care-giving that also support the family through home hospice programs, but there are not nearly enough quality programs, or insurance support for programs, and people don’t get them involved soon enough. Unfortunately, assisted care facilities are usually prohibitively expensive even for the awful ones. We need to upgrade facilities and and overall healthcare so that it too is a viable option.
If death were not treated as such an unspeakable, ugly secret, it would be easier for affordable options and support for everyone involved in the process to be readily available. Being a caregiver even if it is your job is draining and difficult. It takes a special kind of personal strength, and good management, and excellent support. Sadly, even professionally, burnout is high because of how the healthcare system works and how poorly managed people in the industry are. To be close to someone and a primary caregiver is grueling and complicated and laden with heavy emotion.
I cared for my dying paternal grandmother. She was on home hospice, though by the time everything was set up (California, you suck), my father and I had been primary caretakers for a very, very ill woman incapable of doing much of anything for two months. It was a traumatic experience, but compared to how awful it would have been to try and institutionalize her based on her mindset about it, even in a really good place, it was the only humane option. It had tremendous personal cost to us, though. And now my parents are the caretakers for my mother’s mother, who is an abusive jerk. I can’t imagine what it costs my mother personally to care for her – but she can’t live on her own, cannot afford alternative caregivers at the level she would need in a place elsewhere, and flat-out refuses to live in a facility. What is available to those who cannot care for themselves can be really limited, and it falls on the nearest and dearest or the state, and sometimes no option is a good option. it is a terrible thing.
We need major cultural enlightenment about the process of dying, and of ageing, followed by a reform of how the practicalities are handled.
It made me wonder if, in reacting to the mid-20th century horror of ‘dumping relatives in a home’, the societal message is now putting pressure on ordinary people to take on massively challenging caregiving roles that really should be done by a professional.
I think this is definitely a thing. My grandmother had a heart attack a few years ago (she’s recovered well, although her DNR form is in prominent position on her noticeboard), and one of my aunts suggested to my mother that if she became very ill they (my mum and her sisters) should set up a rota to stay with her and provide care. My mother (who is a registered nurse, as it happens, although that is no longer her job), could not state strongly enough what a bad idea she thought that was; she felt, and I agree, that the best care would be provided by someone who was actually trained to do so and whose job it was, and she and her sisters would be helping much more effectively if they helped to organise that than if they provided their own unskilled care; taking on the caring responsibility themselves would probably also be likely to breed resentment, which wouldn’t help. But to her sisters, the best way they could show their support was by doing all of the care work themselves.
My emotional loins are not girded enough to go into details right now, but I will say that for me, being the caregiver for my elderly parents pretty much fucked up my feelings about them and also gave me insight that I really didn’t want about how they’ve felt about me as well as unwanted insight into my relationships with my siblings. It’s not a feel-good. I would advise anyone with good relationships with their parents to try and ensure that a minimum of caregiving falls upon you/your sibs. Prepare, prepare, prepare.
I’d guess those are the three most important words when it comes to caregiving or end of life plans. But as someone noted upthread, it’s so hard to do when no one will talk about this stuff.
Sorry you had such a difficult experience. Im anxious that it would be similar for me, if I took on the role.
Sending you healing thoughts and sympathy.
I noticed several things in particular about my grandmother’s transition from being at home and cared for by my mom and stepdad to living in a nursing home:
1) The professional care was necessary (she had dementia and limited physical mobility), but so was family care — although basic levels of grooming, laundry, etc., were of course provided, a fair amount still fell to us.
2) The staff there didn’t have to deal with emotional baggage, so I think they were better able to meet her where she was. We saw a mother and grandmother who had become a shell of the person we once knew. They weren’t missing that person; they just enjoyed the person they had. They put her in the hall to people-watch, they put silly hats on her for holidays, they painted her nails.
3) Sometimes “good enough” is good enough. No institution could ever be home, but in the end, being there was best for my grandmother and our family.
Agree strongly on ‘ good enough’. From work to parenting to dealing with illness, we fret so much about perfection, which in a way is just another method to try and control the uncontrollable.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to this thread, I really appreciate it. Your answers have been fascinating, enlightening and often made me quite emotional. So many good and thoughtful people out there!
My takeaway from the thread would be: let’s collectively make the effort to normalise illness, dying and caregiving as topics of conversation in society, in order to help us all be better prepared for the eventuality and aware of the essential role of professional care when it’s needed.
I must find a way of taking a snapshot of this thread to store offline. Like a Storify, but for Toast comments!
My husband’s cousin keep spouting on Facebook about how much he loves guns and fuck people who want to take away his guns, because he is going to Save The Day sometime…somewhere… I was thinking, dude, you fit the profile of a mass shooter (history of trouble with the law and substance abuse, anger management issues), you should probably shut up about guns on social media. But then I was like, nah, let him rant, that way if it sounds like it’s escalating I can report it to his parole officer.
I’m gonna assume he’s on parole for a misdemeanor because otherwise, yeah, he should probably shut up about owning guns on social media.
never seemed to stop the dude I knew with a pile of DV charges and an active restraining order, though in retrospect I’m really sorry that I didn’t ask him where he got the gun while he was running his mouth
What is his fantasy where he saves the day?
The same bullshit white dude fantasy where he, as a Good Guy With A Gun, will somehow stop a Bad Guy With A Gun.
http://newsthump.com/2015/11/28/good-guy-with-a-g…
My boyfriend has a terrible cousin who spouts similar nonsense on Facebook, except while also loudly complaining about his unspecified nonviolent felony and how unfair it is that he isn’t allowed to own a gun because of it. No one knows what the felony actually was. My money’s on “tax evasion because he thinks all government is tyranny and actually believed that conservative meme about how taxes are secretly optional,” but who knows.
I got into my first formal FB conflict w/ a coworker over his attitude about guns and the ‘gun control doesn’t work’ argument because he liked something that seemed almost gleeful that the guns in the San Bernadino shooting were purchased “legally” (although now it seems they weren’t) because it was “proof” gun laws don’t work. But here is what I learned, that allows me to walk away:
1. Gun nuts don’t care if gun control works. They just say it doesn’t work (without thought and never regarding any specific policy) because they know that telling people they like deadly toys more than they care about the well-being of others makes them sound like assholes.
2. They will create all manner of paranoid fantasies that make it seem like having a gun is necessary and that laws about locks etc. are madness. (We live/work in MA and Duder 1 says to Duder 2 “What if you were taken hostage and couldn’t get to your gun?!” as though there are roaming bands of hostage-takers seeking bros in suburban MA to hold hostage)
THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE GUY IS STILL AROUND: https://twitter.com/walrusmagazine/status/6778961…
What kind of advice would anyone want from him?? How to steal your loved ones’ possessions so you can finance your obscure hobby without the annoyance of having to get a damn job?
How to turn a popular hobby into a trend by being a young, bespectacled white man?
NO DON’T TAKE THAT ADVICE. You’ll end up selling your family for cash.
[bookmarks tweet thread in desperate hopes that he will drop “also BTW the piece was fictional, we sure fooled you” into the conversation at some point]
One can only hope, but the Walrus tweeter insisted it was fact checked… :/
OF COURSE HE WRITES POETRY DESCRIBED AS “in which the caribou is both metaphor and phenomenon; both text and exegesis”. https://www.gooselane.com/books.php?ean=978086492…
ohh noooooooooooooooooo
holy shit
Woahhhhh that was a serious douche chill I just experienced.
Oh my god do you also get Jerk Shivers? I am delighted to think this is a thing outside just my friends group.
Wait, does The Walrus think that the story was a cutesy heartwarming Christmas story about miniature villages? Because that tweet sure makes it seem like they do.
*resists urge to hatefollow dude on twitter*
I think they’re toying with us. In a really, polite Canadian way that can read as oblivious.
Today was my last day at this job! Three days from now I’ll be on my way back to America for Christmas. I’m so excited. I’m going to eat so many things.
Have any Toasties read any of these books? Any ideas if any would make a good present for my niece’s first birthday?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lorynbrantz/17-of-the-mos…
I haven’t read any of those, but they do look beautifully illustrated! Sadly, my experience in 5+ years of daily reading aloud is that the most beautifully illustrated books tend to be the most difficult and/ or frustrating to read aloud.
I do have some recommendations but won’t offer them unless you ask 🙂
Recommendations also welcome!
So many nice looking books there! I love to give books with POC characters and/or written/illustrated by POC. A lot of people fall back on their beloved childhood favorites, which I understand, but those are mostly white and European, and there’s a lot more out there in the world of books.
I have not read any of those but oh gosh now I really want them all for my room.
One Word from Sophia is good, but probably too old for a 1 year old. Still, she could grow into it. Float is a lovely worldless book. The Little Gardener is cute.
My vote for a picture book for a one year old with beautiful art work would be If You Plant a Seed by Kadir Nelson. It’s lovely and winning quite a few mock Caldecott awards, though we’ll see what actually wins in January.
I’m not worried about too old. All she can do right now is chew on things anyway. Any book will be for future use.
Thanks for the recommendation!
Book thread!
Guise I am 75% through Career of Evil and dayum, JK Rowling really knows how to tell a story. I can’t get through this stuff fast enough.
just finished A Brief history Of Seven Killings after staying up past my bedtime last night to finish! What an intense book. Extreme violence is definitely the price of admission, and I’m glad I got a pretty accurate heads-up about the level of difficulty and disturbingness from reviews before reading it, but I’m also glad I read it. It never felt gratuitously or thoughtlessly violent. and the parts narrated by the female character are such a necessary and perfect balance to the rest.
I need something light and fluffy now, please.
You basically summed up my thoughts exactly on A Brief History of Seven Killings. Good, but intense.
I’m reading Carry On and enjoying it a lot. The beginning was a bit rough, as it is written like the seventh book in a series but is the first, but I got past that and it is lots of fun.
totally agreed on the beginning of Carry On, she says it’s a standalone book but the beginning really is like “ok, Baz is his enemy, The Mage is his mentor, Agatha’s his girlfriend, just accept this without any backstory about it.”
Terry Pratchett is light and fluffy! The Wee Free Men is a great place to start if you’re not already familiar.
haha I just commented in the “comfort reads” thread that discworld is my go-to! If this one library book I gotta return soon doesn’t do the trick, there’s always Pratchett 😀
I am really looking forward to A Brief History of Seven Killings — I heard James being interviewed by Eleanor Wachtel for Writers & Company and he read a short section from the book and it was marvelous. I am guessing it will be February before it comes from the library, however.
In the meantime I am read Margaret Drabble’s A Summer Bird-Cage and wondering to what extent the protagonist’s older sister Lousie is meant to be Drabble’s older sister (A.S. Byatt) given their famous rivalry & all. Louise is definitely not portrayed sympathetically.
Look for the audio, if you’re into that sort of thing – it’s mesmerizing. But requires attention to be paid to it, or the language starts to just wash over you.
I love that book! There’s no reference to AS Byatt (although I’m with you there) but the Guardian ran some fascinating pictures of her annotations in.. 2012 I think? http://www.theguardian.com/books/interactive/2013…
Tracks, by Robyn Davidson isn’t super light and fluffy, but it’s not terribly intense and there are camels! And she’s super intelligent, witty and interesting.
I stayed up until 3am reading Career of Evil in one sitting and I was exhausted the next morning, but I have NO REGRETS.
I did that with The Cuckoo’s Calling – it was late, but I was so near the end and I couldn’t bring myself to stop reading it. And then I was too full of adrenaline (it was a satisfying mystery ending!) to sleep.
>I can’t get through this stuff fast enough.
I know thats a compliment but for some reason it just struck as “I want to stop reading this as quickly as possible”
RIGHT? I was SO SCARED for the entire week I was devouring that book. I’m kinda like “geez, JK, I get that you’re not doing children’s books anymore but some of us are still scared of Voldemort, OK?”
YES IT WAS SO GOOD. I finished it and I was immediately like WHERE IS THE NEXT, GIVE IT TO ME NOW.
Anyone else here LOVE gift wrapping? Because I LIVE FOR IT. This year I painstakingly found the perfect paper– traditional brown wrap with bold green striped pattern. The satisfaction from wrapping and having the green stripes all match at the end of a gift is one of the most intense pleasures of 2015. I may have just outed some kind of obsessive trait but I AM FINE WITH THAT.
Also! I have been topping them all with fresh pine sprigs & creating massive bows with metallic wire-lined ribbon while drinking hot seasonal things and what is better in life? WHAT IS BETTER IN LIFE.
I am a TERRIBLE gift wrapper (poor fine motor skills/so lazy), but my dad and sister are both intense gift-wrapping warriors, to the point that it’s a running family joke that no one can open their presents without tools because they’re so taped and ribboned to death. My dad brings a pocket knife to Christmas morning.
love it! love love love it!
this year i have brown paper-bag paper and gold paper, and i’m tying them all together with gold wire-lined ribbon. i think if i could wrap presents for a living and actually…have it be a living? i would do it.
Anyone else here LOVE gift wrapping?
I used to volunteer for a local place that did holiday wrapping for charity donations. LOVED IT.
That is my dream charity. Wrapping charity donations?! When can I START
I AM OBSESSED. At the risk of exposing myself to anyone who knows me IRL reading this, I have worked both at a butcher shop where i wrapped meats in brown paper all day long AND at Lush, where I perfectly wrapped soaps in tight little paper packages.
One of the most intense tiny pleasures I can think of was the one time I bought a book in Europe and they WRAPPED IT IN PAPER and I got to OPEN THE PAPER and it was so perfect and soothing and ahhhhhh
there is a bookstore in oakland that does that instead of bagging the books and it is my favorite thing.
I love getting meat or cheese wrapped in butcher paper, it is the best.
I LOVE it, but am also HORRIBLE at it.
I’ve had many convos along the lines of:
“I’m wrapping all my Christmas presents this weekend.”
“OH you must be so good at it, being an artist and all!”
“NOPE!”
oohh fellow artist – I am good at wrapping presents but terrrribbbllleee at packing boxes. so. you know. rich tapestry etc.
I reaaally hate gift wrapping because I’m very bad at it! I’m an ARTISTE, so I feel like I should be good, but I’m just not & that pisses me off.
In related news, my boss keeps asking me to wrap gifts for him (company gifts) and it infuriates me!! I feel like I get asked to do it b/c I’m a young woman & therefore just assumed to be good at that kind of thing. I’m also Junior Man, so, this kinda basic job stuff should definitely fall to me, but I just feel like if I was a 24-y-o man, my boss would at least have asked me if I was any good at wrapping. Instead, I just got 35 pens and a wink.
I worked at a fancy stationery store where I got paid to gift-wrap things, so on one hand I am super-proud of my gift-wrapping skills and on the other hand I’m now a complete snob, like, “Ugh, I suppose this will do, but darling you know it’s impossible to wrap well with paper that costs less than $5 a yard.”
Yes and this year I bought fancy dragon wrapping paper to wrap all my presents with and I’M SO EXCITED! (more excited about the paper than the actual presents tbh)
I love wrapping, but I have broken my hand just in time for the holidays, so I have stubbornly wrapped things one handed (well, one hand + one cast), but am forgoing the bows & other extravagances. Fortunately I have enough origami snowmen tags made from last year to last me for roughly the next decade or so…
I LOVE gift-wrapping, but my joy has been dampened in recent years because I travel for Xmas and have to wrap my presents Chez Jinx Fam., and they all by just terrible wrapping paper. The super cheap stuff that tears if you look at it cross-eyed, stick on bows, no good ribbon, no fancy twine…It’s so sad.
I am HERE for this conversation. Every year I choose a different color scheme for my gifts. I usually do ones that are kind of off-brand for Christmas, but this year I went traditional and did glossy emerald paper with red and white striped twill tape.
Navy, navy + snowy trees (gold white green) + white gold-dotted paper + gold ribbon = looks LOVELY but the people I gift to are all reused-gift-bags+tissue-paper-types. I cannot fault them for this – reusing gift bags is so economical and smart – but I DID take a picture of all my beautifully wrapped presents and look at it periodically with really deep satisfaction.
Post them! Toasties want to gaze at them too.
Yes, and I also love it when the pattern matches. Have you ever tried the Japanese method? (I don’t think it’s the ONLY method in Japan, but it’s a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQM8KKP-3Oo). I bought the most beautiful non-paper wrapping paper this year and it’s soooo pretty and wonderful and my boxes are going to have the tightest corners wheee! A few years ago I worked a part-time retail job around the holidays and I was the designated wrapping station person which was just the best.
Nothing is better! When I was growing up, the local department store had a special gift-wrapping room in the back corner of the store, with rolls and rolls of paper and ribbons and bows in every color to choose from. You could take purchases back there and have someone wrap them for you.
Child Valky-rumba thought this was quite possibly THE MOST MAGICAL JOB ever. (Adult Valky-rumba still agrees.)
Testify.
A few Christmas carols, updated for relevance to my life right now:
Hark! The newborn baby cries
From the earth, unto the skies!
Soothing songs, and words so mild
Fail to calm the shrieking child.
Surely all the neighbors hear
Screeches from our infant dear.
With angelic face she yells,
Tho’ the cause we cannot tell.
Hark! The newborn infant cries
From the earth, unto the skies.
***
O little girl of Belmont Mass
How loud we hear you cry!
Full-throated screams
That pierce our dreams
As in our beds we lie.
***
Silent nigh– LOL who are we kidding.
Your daughter and my son know one another, I see.
My sympathies. 😉
Soothing songs as a way to quiet screaming babies is a crock. Try heavy metal. It worked on my kid.
Whoo-boy howdy. Get video evidence to use as leverage in later discussions with then-older child? Keep writing increasingly elaborate parody songs with more swears?
That was glorious! My commiserations, nevertheless.
Congratulations!!
1. I am getting really interested in fan fic, especially the feminist/queer aspects, but really everything about it. So please, tell me anything about fan fic you want! Who do you like to ship? What was the first fic you read or wrote? Why do you write/read it? I want to know!
2. I’ve had a stupid grin on my face for the last two weeks because I met this guy online and we had this instant attraction/interest (I am married, btw, but in a non-monogamous relationship). We’ve been talking a ton, and it’s helping me figure out more of my erotic interests, which means I can communicate them better to my husband, and it’s all fabulous (too bad he lives many states away, but oh well). I don’t have too many IRL friends I can talk to about this, so I have to share it here!
2. that’s so exciting!
1. I got into it after some friends and I became REALLY into Sherlock, on the advice of another friend who was heavily into the teen wolf fandom. I now really enjoy bringing it up in coversation because there’s a moment of shock that someone’s actually talking about this, then everyone else admits they read it too and you can get on to sharing recs.
This is something I think about sooooo much. johnlock fic was the first time that I think I ever really believed someone like me (weird, overly driven, definite “quirks”) could be in a happy, stable relationships (platonic and romantic) without having to alter some fundamental part of them. And it was also great for modelling how you actually do that, how to talk to each other, how to compromise, how to have great sex etc.
Later on, after I was sexually assaulted in college, I read a fair amount of rape recovery fic, which made me feel a lot less alone and like things might get better, and also helped give me a positive voice in my head when a lot of my good friends just weren’t there in the way that I need.
Later still when I came out as queer, femslash was just such a great resource to daydream about my queer futures
Basically, fanfic=the best. My favorite sherlock authors are breathedout and aggressivewhenstartled, and there are also a few people I like in the HP, Bond, and Merlin fandoms, but I can’t remember their names.
I love fanfic! I have been writing fanfic for…17 years? I think? I started writing fic when I was 11, took a few years’ break while I was in college, and then the summer after I graduated I wrote a fic that still remains one of my favorite things I have ever written. I call it the story that I went to college to write, because I literally wouldn’t have been able to craft it without my degree.
I started writing fanfic before I even knew what it was, when I was ten or eleven (Animorphs). Then I got online when I was 12, started discovering Harry Potter fansites, was really awed by these writers who knew the books well enough to feel confident writing their own stories with the characters.
Started writing super-long fanfics when I was 13. Now I write in Supernatural (I get to play around with the world and relationships in all the ways that the Show has let me down).
I used to write only het and was amused by all the slash obsession, but now I write slash primarily (Wincest is a way of life, yo…though not as the Show depicts their relationship the last few years, ahem). Sadly, I’ve never gotten into a femslash relationship! I really need to be invested in the characters and their relationship in order to get into writing and reading them.
Also, I no longer date men (not attracted to them). I had a girlfriend for a while, met her in fandom, and we used to write super-hot slash fic together. I miss those days. So yeah, that trope about lesbians getting off on gay porn is totally true.
I just reblogged this on Tumblr today. Excerpt:
A story at its most successful is a fully developed fractal, retold a million times and a million ways, with stories based on stories based on stories. Fanfic of fanfic of fanfic. Stories based on headcanons, stories based on prompts, stories that put the Guardians of the Galaxy in a coffee-shop AU and stories where the Transformers are planet-wandering nomads and stories where characters from one story are placed into a world from another. Stories that could be canon, stories that are the farthest thing from canon, stories that are plausible, stories that would never happen, stories that give depth to a character or explore the consequences of one different plot event or rewrite the whole thing from scratch.
Fave ships I read most often:
Fraser/RayK (due South)
John/Sherlock Holmes/Watson in any incarnation or era
Arthur/Eames (Inception)
Esca/Marcus (The Eagle)
Kirk/Spock (TOS and reboot)
What got me reading fic was someone I knew wrote Simon/Jayne (I hadn’t even seen Firefly at the time) and I was blown away. There was a whole community of these people writing this stuff for all sorts of shows and books? FUCKING SOLD.
Hurray for you and your stupid grin and exciting new sexytimes opportunities!
Congratulations on meeting this guy! That is lovely.
My favorite thing about fanfic is the sweet spot of deeply mediocre canon/truly amazing fanfic/fandom. It’s that “but wouldn’t it be so much better if” instinct, and I love how many people have it and use it and share it with each other. (When I think of the hours I’ve put into fandom projects…and the hours I intend to put into fandom projects…just for the sheer love of the thing…multiply that by the amount of fandom content out there? It warms my little cynical heart.)
I got heavy into fanfic when I was WAY too young – I read a lot of fic of Tamora Pierce’s Song of the Lioness Quartet. From there it was onto Phantom of the Opera (cringe), then Doctor Who, and now it’s nothing but Hannibal all day every day. Hannibal/Will is (obviously) what there’s the most fic of, but I have a soft spot for Alana Bloom/anyone.
Honestly I’m not so much into the plot-heavy, multi-chapter fics, though I’ll make exceptions if the writing is good enough. I love stuff that explores the relationships between the characters. So I’m more into one-shots. (I read some PWP. Ok, maybe it’s a lot. We don’t need to talk about how much. It’s enough.)
Edit: I meant to say, in an Open Thread months and months ago, someone talked about a Mad Max : Fury Road coffeeshop AU fic that was apparently really good. I’ve been thinking about this for ages. I can’t quite imagine it, but I want to read it, so if you’re the person who recommended it and you see this, let me know!
That sounds like ‘Blood, Coffee and Motor Oil’ by Underwater Owl. (It’s very nsfw)
Just bookmarked that SO HARD.
It’s so great! I have read it many times. (I may be the person who recced it before.)
if you are, bless you. I loved it.
THAT WAS INDEED THE FIC I MEANT. Thank you so much! I thought the odds of anyone knowing what the hell I was talking about were pretty low, what a lovely surprise.
I started reading it on my commute home on Friday and didn’t stop until I had read all of it plus its sequel. This took me until 4 a.m or so. I have no regrets.
2. Yay!
1. Oh, goodness. My fanfic method at this point is the following: I read everything from pir8fancier, copperbadge, and scifigrl47, generally on Archive Of Our Own. Based, on that, I click on pairings or tags that are interesting, and then if I find something especially well done, I’ll browse the other things that author has done– For example, one of the tags I’m working my way through right now is “everyone is poly because avengers”.
Copperbadge! Scifigrl47! Yesssss! Tho I do not know pir8fancier’s work, shall have to look them up!
FANFICTION. LET ME TALK ABOUT IT.
I’ve been into fandom since college and Roswell (die-hard Candygirl, right here) – so..18 years? For me, it’s the missing pieces you don’t see on screen, and all the stuff that gets left out. As well as the fun involved in the “what ifs.” I got into Yuletide (for the first time in 8 years, I’m not participating. I am both sad and content) and swooned over the sheer amount of things i had never ever considered happening in all sorts of universes!
I like plot heavy fic, but it’s so much more about the characters and their feelings and emotions and how the heck their minds work! I like plot, but it’s gotta be character driven. All the stuff the show or book can’t always give you.
I read and write it (ao3: alianora), and have at various times, written for Star Wars, Roswell, Harry Potter, Glee, Firefly (SO MUCH FIREFLY OMG), Lost, Teen Wolf, The Inside, Gilmore Girls, and a truly ridiculous amount of jdramas – I’m probably also forgetting a lot. I also read but not write in many fandoms, including a number where I don’t actually watch/read the source material – like Supernatural.
SPN is a weird one for me – the show itself bores me to pieces. I’ve seen the entire first and second seasons, and a whole bunch of random episodes throughout, and I can’t get into it. But the fanfic is awesome (I read mostly recs, which probably influences that some), and I ship Dean/Cas like burning. I love Sam/Jess backstory stuff, and have an odd fondness for Dean/OFC or Sam/OFC.
Teen Wolf is my current biggie. And yes, I ship Sterek. I don’t watch anymore, and didn’t even start watching until after I’d written my first TW fic. Because that makes sense. I swoon over Stilinski Family Feels and will read just about anything involving the Sheriff being a good dad. Someone just did a podfic of one of my only vaguely Sterek stories that involves Stiles coming out of the closet by accident, and it is so amazingly well done and everyone should listen to it because IT’S AMAZING: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4855376
A lot of people I know have OTPs and they will ONLY read their OTP. Not for me! I have OTPs of course, but I’ll ship just about anybody with just about anybody! I have some notps, natch, but generally, if it makes sense in the story and it’s not horribly out of character, I will read it and ship it with you!
NOW PLEASE SEND ME RECS. I LOVE RECS. DID I MENTION I DON’T HAVE TO BE OVERLY FAMILIAR WITH THE SOURCE?*
*I am unable to participate in any fandom which involves high levels of drama/death/pain/unfun mayhem. My life currently has enough. GoT, Hannibal, Jessica Jones – I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
Toast friends, I started using the Nuva ring about a week ago for the first time, and my emotions are all over the place. I cry at the drop of a hat. Or even just thinking about a hat dropping. It’s freaking me out a little. Anyone have experience with this, and know whether it evens out over time, or how long it’s likely to last?
I found that the Nuvaring slammed my mood hard for the first month or so, although more on the “life is a bleak dark wasteland” scale rather than the weeping one, then it did even out (and the monthlong breakthrough bleeding ended, too). My rule of thumb was to give BC three months if it wasn’t at suicidality levels of anxiety, because that’s how long it seemed to take to get my body used to the new balance, and to amp up the self-care in the meantime.
I haven’t tried Nuva ring specifically, but when I was on hormonal birth control I evened out after about a month. I’d give it a little while longer, and take solace in the knowledge that external forces are at work; it’s not just you being nuts!
I tried it for 2 months and it was like that with the sad moods AND my itty bitties started getting noticeably bigger. It also cleared up my skin, but that was the only plus. I went back to condoms.
Good luck though! Hormones 🙁
I had the same experience when I was on the Nuva Ring. I lasted about two months before switching to the pill. I didn’t put two and two together while I was on it, so I’d sort of attribute my sadness to things that were going on in my life. Then once I stopped taking it (initially because the cost went up) I realized that it was definitely affecting my mood/making me feel like a crazyperson. So that’s probably not especially helpful, but ~~you are not alone.~~
Nuvaring wasn’t too great for me as I recall. It was also kind of a crappy time in my life so I’m not sure if it was nuva ring or life at the time. I ended up giving it up, but it did settle in a bit. I think you have to give things at least a few weeks but as my favorite gyno would say, if you feel suddenly crazy, its not you and you should try something else.
Yes! I do contraceptive clinical trials (but I’m not a doctor). Rapidly changing emotions is definitely a side effect of hormonal contraceptives, especially if you’ve never taken hormonal contraceptives or if it’s been a while. It will likely even out by the end of this cycle!
However, DEFINITELY talk to your doctor if it’s freaking you out! They’ll help you during this transition/adjustment period, and help you assess whether this negative side effect outweighs the benefits of using the NuvaRing.
I did ok on it, but my sister had serious depression and anxiety that didn’t stop until months after she had stopped taking it (she was on it for awhile). So, I would second other posters about giving yourself a short time frame to see if your hormones balance out, and if they don’t, absolutely stop and try something else.
Talk to your doctor. I had the same problem with birth control pills and it didn’t change over time (and I was terrified)….. I actually use Nuvaring and it works fine for me, but everyone’s different. They may say wait a bit and see if it gets better, but definitely talk to them and don’t wait.
Yeah, I also found that the emotional side effects of the ring were minimal as compared to the pill, but everyone is different! I eventually stopped filling my prescription because I wasn’t in a serious relationship any more, but I’d probably go back to the ring in the future!
I’ve been on the NuvaRing for years. My experience has been that any time I change anything with my birth control, it fucks with my hormones for a while. It takes something like 2-3 months to settle back to normal and then I really know what change falls to the birth control itself vs the fact that something changed. So, I’ve had no long term mood issues while on it, but am not surprised to hear you’re dealing with stuff your first week.
Thanks to everyone for your very helpful responses! It’s good to get some perspective.
I cried so much my first time on birth control. It evened out after a month or so.
Toasties, I am sick and I have had a Hell Of A Week. So how do you treat yourself when you’re feeling like your head is going to explode from sinus pressure? I just need to finish up a few things in lab and then I am going to be at home in bed for the rest of the day unless my boss calls and needs me to run stats for him.
Lots of netflix and hot ginger tea with loads of honey (slice up fresh ginger and pour hot water over it in a mug or teapot, it’s the best).
Also gentle hugs if you want them and all the get well thoughts.
I have had a sinus cold all week too and it’s the pits. I have found momentary relief in: a hot steamy shower, or just sitting in the bathroom with the shower on super hot; gargling with warm salt water; laying down with a heat pad on my neck and a hot damp washcloth over my sinuses/face; and consuming hot beverages/brothy soup.
Ugh, I hope you feel better soon!
When I’m sick I try to stay horizontal and layered up in sweats and soft blankets as much as possible. It typically involves comfort-movie watching and ginger ale and the few things that I’m actually able to taste, like absolutely terrible cheddar chex mix.
Steam my head over a bowl of olbas-oil warm water, decongestant spray, lots of hot drinks. Sympathy!!!
Ugh, me too. I am just back at work after almost a full week off. eucalyptus and mint bath salts in as hot a bath as you can stand, for as long as you can stand it. Hot ginger tea with lemon and honey, and occasional bourbon (my sinus headaches respond to NOTHING but the combo of alcohol and painkillers, yikes).
I am looking forward to not having a box of kleenex right on my bed. Good luck to you.
Steamy shower and then a neti pot, a well-cranked humidifier, followed by (as recommended above) tea and Netflix.
I am a huge fan of drugging myself with NeoCitron right before bed, because it a) knowcks me out and b) allows me to use my nasal passages.
Cat thread? Earlier this week Asa had to go to the vet for a steroid shot for her asthma. She did not enjoy the car ride.
(Usually Mr. Thuja drives and she sits on my lap. He wasn’t able to help out this time, so she spent most of the ride trying to crawl into my lap as I drove.)
In other news: cats.
This past weekend that most sacred of pre-holiday rites was preformed. Casimir Pulaskitty had his annual watch of The Nutcracker.
How I got such a balletomane for a cat I’ll never know.
(If I could figure out how to link an Instagram video I would, but no one wants to watch three minutes of my cat being captivated by art and Baryshnikov.)
Such a cultured cat!
Is Ovation still doing their Nutcracker competition? I loved that back when I could afford cable.
Wow that WWI recruitment poster is intense (and gorgeous!)
Feline Julie Andrews is “burrowing.”
We have all the radiators going (I have no control over them) and I think it’s too hot at home, but she insists on burrowing.
Her ear hair is the cutest!
Poor Asa! My cats all hate cars.
Here is Kit (Kat), who this week portrayed the ideal perfect Fluffy Cat Loaf:
And here are Pepper and Kit portraying a prime example of Kitty Sleeping Choices. (Also this angle makes Pepper look like a big deflated ball of cat.)
This is Kismet’s Grinch face. Her ears curl up and back like his and it makes me laugh.
Aw man, my boyfriend and I are gearing up to drive home for the holidays (our parents live in the same area), and we’re taking our cat with us. It’s a 7-hour drive, and the last time we did this she pooped herself approximately 30 minutes in.
OH CATS.
This is Mack. Mack has issues. Like being a huge baby and having FIV, but he’s a healthy doofus.
This year, I made a $10 Amazon purchase for Kima that was 100% worth it for this photo, taken during the 5 minutes that she tolerated the Santa suit. I rewarded her handsomely after removing the costume.
That was completely worth the $10!
OMG!
Atticus did not know such a crime was even possible:
I must have this!!
It took like 36 hours for him to forgive me, but I regret nothing.
I should try that harness set-up! Kiya hates the carrier more than ANYTHING. She doesn’t object to any part of the in-vet’s-office experience. It’s just THAT DAMN CARIER.
Asa feels the same way about the carrier. I was pleased with how the harness set up worked once I shortened the leash so that she couldn’t crawl into my lap while I was driving (as completely adorable as that was).
My keyboard is broken & i’m on a borrowed tablet which i hate & trying to do pics will be too painful but you all know what Chewie and bb8 look like…
I am late to the cat thread! Here is mine, in a less than elegant pose:
And enjoying heated cat-bed bliss on her old bones…
That is a content kitty right there. I’ve considered heated cat beds for my cats a few times, I might have to break down and buy them soon.
GUYS GUYS GUYS
MY FAMILY GOT TWO NEW KITTENS!!
The calico kitty is Kitty Joe, and the grey tabby is Scout! We wanted literary names for our kittehs, so my mom chose Kitty Joe from a book (A Steinbeck one I think?) and then dad had to have one named Scout because To Kill a Mockingbird is one of his favorite books.
They’ve been here for about a week and they manage to get into EVERYTHING – my laundry basket, the Christmas tree, dad’s office, the dining room table, the hall closet… and cause so much trouble! Also they have tiny squeaky kitty screams and have kitty gas but OH MAN THEY ARE ADORABLE. I come home from work and lay on the ground and they just walk all over me and its fantastic.
They’re so fluffy!
YAY KITTENS
Toastrons, I have finally dislodged the metaphorical ladle trapped in the drawer of my life, and things are CHANGING. After 3+ months of joyful unemployment on my part, my husband finally got his dream job at a government laboratory. And I applied to and got accepted to a Data Science career training program in the same larger metropolitan area, so I can start new gainful employment within the next few months. So whoop whoop whoop! The only “fun” parts being A) We have to move all of our stuff across the country in the next month. B) We have to move two highly sheltered cats along with us with us in the plane cabin.
Plz post the following:
A) Advice on careers in data science.
B) Advice on taking cats through airports and on the plane.
C) Celebratory unrelated Hannibal gifs since I am halfway through the third season of Hannibal and it’s so goddamn ROMANTIC and look here I’ll start:
that gif looks like it’s from the opening scene of a porno
Just edit in the following dialogue ahead of time and you’re all set: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSeLkJN2BjY
Yes…..yes, you will do well here.
My cat airplane story: after escaping from her carrier, which i had to twist tie shut, my cat peed all over the airplane floor as soon as we took off and then kept up a low moan throughout the entire cross-continental flight.
My advice: use more pee pads in the carrier than you think you need.
Oh god, this shouldn’t have made me laugh so hard, I’m so sorry!
*Adds “PEE PADS” to her list and underlines them like five times.*
Our little boy cat poops his pants every time he goes to the vet 5 minutes away. This is gonna be fun.
I should not be laughing as hard at your story as I am. I am sorry.
Awwww Winston.
Tell the security guards you want to be screened in private with your cat. otherwise they make you take the cat out of the carrier and walk it through the metal detector while it freaks out. If you get screened in private they’ll let you take the carrier into the room, let the cat out, pat you down and check the cat, then run the carrier through the x-ray and give it back. Plus they tried to talk me out of it several times, which was kind of fun. “Are you sure you don’t want to just do this through the machine?” No no, please pat me down, I INSIST. It takes longer but man is it so much easier on you and the cat.
Hail Anoia Goddess of Things That Get Stuck In Drawers!
*Finger guns* This Toastie knows what I’m talking about!
Perhaps this is no longer the Done Thing but every time in the distant past I had to fly with my cat, the vet gave me a kitty sedative so the kitty could nap through the flight instead of freaking out.
WARNING: This can backfire HORRIBLY.
Storytime!
9ish years ago, the man I am currently divorcing and I made a completely insane decision to move to teach in Alaska. We took 3 cats with us. Because insanity. We had hard sided carriers, froze water in their little trays, had their names and our contact info all over the damn place for them to go under the plane. Gave the kitties the kitty xanax or whatever the vet had given us.
At check in, the airline told us they had changed their pet policy a week before. Cats were not allowed under the plane! So now we were carrying three cats onto a plane! Yay!
Two of the cats did ok-ish. My Una was so terrified, she sat like a lump and cried softly the whole time while sitting in a puddle of pee. The Riddick, from what I remember, was unhappy but sleepy. Fizzgig..became violently angry.
What we think happened is that the xanax was just enough to discombobulate her and basically, she had a bad acid trip. You haven’t experienced pet travel until you’ve tried to handle a carrier filled with a shriekingly angry, spitting, hissing, fluff of normally very sweet cat through three crowded airports. We couldn’t get anywhere near her for hours – not until the next day. And then it was like she had a hangover and was pissed AND confused about what the hell had just happened – but she knew it was our fault, and she had her eye on us.
Two years later, we moved from the bush in Alaska to a city in North Carolina! Yes, WE DID IT AGAIN. We did not drug the cats that time.
Or the time three years after that when we moved back to Colorado..
*weeps softly* I’m never moving any animals anywhere ever again.
Shameless plug: I made this Hannigram fanmix and I’m very proud of it, so if that’s at all your Thing, have a listen! http://caralarm-bicycles.tumblr.com/post/12747852…
http://caralarm-bicycles.tumblr.com/post/12458210…
Also this thing, because this scene wrecked me emotionally.
Oh this is very nice! Thank you! 🙂
(Also, that scene you linked to in the second post made me absolutely melt.)
(Also, can I just point out that Will, in the space of two episodes, got pushed off a train, shot with a sniper rifle, cut into with a bone saw, and then nearly got his face sawed off? Which is to say, somebody please help this man.)
Get vet to give you kitty xanax, and test it ahead of time to know how much they need/how they’re gonna react.
Our flight was completely uneventful, though a TSA lady accosted us and demanded a lot of our time…not for official reasons, just because she was a huge cat lady.
I finally submitted the final draft of my Capstone project this week! I DID IT! I AM DONE!!! This after my Professor pestering me endlessly for the most minute of nagging edits. (“Make sure you have spaces between ellipses like . . . not …” and “Use a — not a -” and “do an hour of research to figure out the exact proper MLA format for a figure caption of these paintings I asked you to add!”, etc etc. It got to the point where I absolutely HATED my paper. AND THEN, after ALL THAT, I saw the projects my fellow students submitted and ??? None of them are properly formatted! The wrong fonts, not double spaced, incorrect header formats, title pages (like the one she specifically asked me not to do). AND SHE DIDN’T NITPICK ANY OF THEM. Idk if she loves me or hates me but man have I been all worked up about it.
BUT HEY ANYWAY I DID IT. Finally. As of 12/31 I will officially have my BA in Literature! 😀 (Also as much as I hate my project at this moment, overall I do still love that I got to write a 73 page paper involving literary, feminist, and sociological analysis of love poetry written by Queen Elizabeth I. Man could that lady use her gender roles to her advantage, AND avoid marriage like a boss.)
Congratulations, fellow almost-graduate! I’m handing in my final paper on Monday, I just need to do some editing over the weekend. AND THEN I’M DONE!!
(I still have to wait until the lecturer is done grading the papers, but whatever. Not my responsibility anymore.)
YAYYY I’m not an almost graduate but I have finished my first semester and I feel about as accomplished. It’s so satisfying being done, but then again, I kinda miss it.
Congratulations!
The nagging sounds like serious love of the type that leads to wanting you to be publishable. 🙂
She’s always liked me, so I mostly do believe it was a loving kind of nagging. She knows I might want to go on to grad school in the future, and she wanted me to have an excellent project, and I appreciate that. I think after weeks of stress it just felt extra irritating… that, and the fact that she didn’t nag anyone else the same made me feel singled out, not in a good way! Sigh.
I have no idea if she wants me to be publishable though, our school doesn’t public capstone projects that I know of!
If you are thinking of grad school, having something so excellently formatted to show as the kind of work you do will make professors fall in love with you sight unseen.
Everyone I know who has had a prof nitpick their paper/project/etc significantly more than other students, the prof was doing so to make sure it was in good shape for:
*publication
*a portfolio piece (for grad school or for professional work)
*a departmental award (often with $$ associated)
I mean, feel your feels, especially since even when it’s done with really good intentions, it’s frustrating as hell. But when you have caught up on sleep/etc and are ready to put on your logic hat, try not to assume bad things.
Also, I’ve been thinking lately of the occasionally vast gulf in between how we see ourselves and how others see us. On Wednesday my boss volunteered me to help a coworker do a series of presentations because “I’ve seen winterbymorning do presentations and she’s great!” I have done a single presentation since starting this job, and it was over a year and a half ago, so I am not sure what she’s talking about. I would never say that I am great at presentations. If I were to make a list of my biggest fears, it would be something like 1. Husband dying 2. Being in a plane crash 3. Public speaking. Earlier today I overheard my boss say, “Winterbymorning is a very calm person” which was also astonishing to me because I consider myself to be an easily-annoyed ball of anxiety loosely held together by quality lipstick.
If enough people think that you are This Way, does it begin to outweigh your own perception of yourself as being That Way? My boss isn’t stupid – she must be basing her assessment of me as a calm person and great public speaker on something – I just have no idea what. Maybe I’m just being needlessly self-deprecating again.
In my experience, having people whose judgement I respect believe that I can do thing can be transformative.
I live into their expectations a bit; and am able to set aside/shut down my own anxieties.
Mind you, the lipstick is also key. Today I am wearing my favorite red revlon.
Partly imposter syndrome. You have some skills you cannot see. We all have. Also, how good is your manager? Is she targeting areas she believes you can improve, then talking up your abilities as a way to inspire you to meet the challenge?
And A+ for “easily-annoyed ball of anxiety”. Me too. At least you have the high quality lipstick. I’m held together by strands of dog hair.
You’re right, we are similar.
My immediate reaction to that phrase was “… yeah, I should invest in lipstick instead of being held together by lip balm.”
That sort of fake it till you make it thing might actually be working for you. Good for you!
This is maybe not entirely the same but I am having a bit of this going on lately.
As some may remember, after a terrible summer of Those People, and many years of a pretty toxic, one-sided friendship, I started heavily reinvesting in my actually good relationships. And this weird thing happened! I started to hear from people stuff like “I am returning your call/email/text,” and “I miss you,” and “I am really looking forward to getting together,” and “we are coming to your area and want to carve out time for us to hang out.” Could it be that I’m not some selfish evil harpy? Could people out there actually….. Think I’m pretty ok and fun to hang out with?
I am working with a therapist on the number Those People did on my self-conception, but I guess I’m still getting used to this idea. It’s weird! And nice!
I get comments like that too sometimes, everyone thinks I’m very calm and zen and cheerful, when in reality I am also an easily-annoyed ball of anxiety, but I guess I’ve just worked very hard on my coping mechanisms and have an intense fear of people seeing what a mess I am? So maybe you have great coping skills and professional business mask as well? I know you’ll do great, and hopefully this will just be a positive self-esteem booster that you need to BELIEVE what they think is true.
This is a super weird thing. My boss told me I seemed really laid back which ????????? I am the least laid back person in the world. Clearly I spend so much effort repressing my constant terror that I appear more laid back than the average person.
We got a new boss here a few years ago, and I reacted to her presence with thinly veiled anxiety and immediate agreement that I could totally do whatever she needed done. So naturally now I’m the one who gets things done and is so easy-going. Maybe this is your situation too?
Well, if you are or used to be super anxious, you’re probably VERY experienced in handling emergencies. Other people’s disasters are the anxious person’s business as usual. Sky falling down? While everyone else is busy being shocked that such a thing dared to happen, the anxiety sufferer pulls out their plans A, B, C and D, prepared years ago (probably at 3 AM).
I do find that I’m weirdly calm with other people’s crises, while I lose the plot over my own shoelaces or similar
THAT makes total sense. I think of myself as a total anxious mess but I’ve been told I’m super practical and calm in a crisis? Thanks for the lightbulb moment.
I know this feeling. When I was a senior in undergrad, my adviser did these mock grad school interviews for constructive criticism’s sake, and one of the questions was “Name a weakness you have.”
I said, “I’m not assertive enough.”
She immediately broke script, slapped the table with the stack of papers she had, leaned over, looked me dead in the eye and said, “You are LITERALLY THE MOST ASSERTIVE person I know!”
And I just shrugged and wanted to say, “I’d like to introduce you to the anxiety ridden and self depreciating little girl that lives in my head.” But I was just like, “Oh, really? Thanks.”
SEE WHAT I MEAN!? I couldn’t even stand up for myself then! I’m not assertive at all! Bah.
I’ve found that weirdly people aren’t mind-readers, and don’t see the anxiety going on. I mean, somehow people in RL see me as intimidatingly smart and learned, when really in my head I’m worried that I just said the wrong thing and was painfully awkward.
Yesterday, an extremely drunk coworker told me “I thought you were a mean know-it-all when I met you, but [other coworker] kept insisting you were nice, and she was right!” I was weirdly flattered, because she had nailed exactly how I see myself – as a mean know-it-all with a heart of gold.
Being multiple I have actually thought about that a lot, because of course the person people see on the outside is not who I (or any of us) actually experience ourselves as being — I mean, not just in big binary ways like age/gender/etc but also things like this. If everyone thinks I am a 40 year old woman, am I really? Well, no, I know I am 15, even if other people can’t tell. And is our David really a Jewish guy when he is in a female body and nobody else here thinks of ourselves as Jewish? I would say yes, but he would hesitate to enter into a conversation with an observant Jewish guy on equal footing because his self-conception and his behaviours aren’t in sync because there are not enough hours in the day for everyone to not only /be/ who they are but to /do/ who they are.
But in terms of *skills* — like, what people are good at — I do think if your boss thinks you are good at something, you probably are good at something, because ‘good at’ and ‘how easy it is for you’ are not the same axis. So maybe you are very calm and a good public speaker, but those things are really difficult for you to do?
Regardless, soak up the compliments. 🙂
Yes, “‘good at’ and ‘how easy it is for you’ are not the same axis.” An important distinction. I am good at teamwork. But I want most to be left alone with clear goals and parameters. Leave me alone and let me work!
And HI to all of you. Good see you here!
I love the distinction between identity and skills, as well as good at and easy for, thanks for that!
Maybe your lipstick is just really really perfect for you and fooling everyone into the perception of you which they are most inclined positively. To which I say, you will need to hook a sister up.
I’m always known at work for being calm, which used to confuse me because I feel like a tightly wound ball of stress at the best of times. But I finally figured out that I have a calming presence at work. So even though I don’t FEEL especially calm, I tend to inspire calmness in my coworkers – because I am even keeled and good at going with the flow and because I don’t usually freak out even when stressed.
ETA – and I usually have a plan B and C etc, thought of courtesy of my anxiety.
Hey guys!
So I have been working on a project lately and that project has been an illustrated novel! And I only have a few pages up so the story may not be really “gong” yet but I wanted to share with you guys because I love you and you are all my friends. http://gephyrocity.com
Okay thanks!
The facial expressions are very good. Especially eyes and eyebrows. One scene in particular got my attention for how it visually communicated the written “empty”.
What a great project! How does it feel, working on it? Is it a pleasure? Does it include enough challenge to keep you engaged?
Thank you! It’s the first time I’ve done this so actually one of my top fears was communicating emotion, both facially and artistically, so I’m really glad you said that! I’m sure I’ll have a lot of misses but I’m happy about the hits 🙂
I love it. I’m so happy. I’ve wanted to do it for so long and it’s so enjoyable to me. I can work on it anywhere and it’s my thing that’s entirely mine. I have a bunch of pages to scan upload that I should get to now in fact.
Thanks so much for reading!
Checking this out when I get home from work! It’s rad to have a project.
Thank you! I think it will just keep getting better and more natural sounding as it goes along 😀
I like the art style and the palette you’re using. The use of collage is so cool, too–it really adds to the already creepy, dystopian vibe. Can’t wait to read more!
I love you
ETA I mean thank you
Ancillary Mercy discussion thread?
This isn’t exactly on topic (if I want to derail my own thread IT’S MY PREROGATIVE), but earlier this week I saw some toasties chatting about the Neko Atsume game. I downloaded it, and have been naming all the cats after Ancillary characters.
I also got Neko Atsume this week because toasties were talking about it and I love it (and my sister also got it this week for totally different reasons. This happens sometimes that we do stuff at the same time independently of each other and it is sort of weird but also I like it).
So far I have only renamed one cat, and that was Ramses. That cat is now ‘Cleocatra.’ I’m finding I can’t bring myself to rename most of the cats. I can’t take Snowball’s name away from him! That is his NAME. Or that’s how I feel apparently. No judgement for those who rename their cats; I have a similar problem with Pokémon.
Man this reminds me of how I had resolved to name the kitten I almost-adopted from my mother “Anaander Meownaai.”
But which Mewonaai would it have been? 🙂
I really liked Sword and Mercy; better than Justice (I have to go back and re-read it, I’m pretty sure I didn’t understand it at all.) Seivarden is still my fave.
Lol. I reread Ancillary Justice recently, and even though I was rereading it I still had an incredibly difficult time keeping all the flashbacks separate. Like, there’s Sievarden and the Garseddai a thousand years ago, Ime and the Rrrrrr ~25 years ago, Lieutenant Awn ~20 years ago, and Breq’s current revenge quest. It’s ridiculous.
I really loved the Lieutenant Awn bits, though, where I got to see how Justice of Toren functioned. And I loved Ancillary Sword and Mercy. Basically, I loved everything but that revenge quest. I still don’t really understand it. By the end, Breq had decided to make Mianaai consciously face her personality split, which make sense as a form of revenge. The insistence on procuring the Presger gun, though…how was shooting one Mianaai ever a revenge plan that made sense?
I kinda liked the revenge aspect – I enjoyed the fact that it was blatantly obvious that it was a terrible, terrible plan, and everyone just went along with it because they <3 Breq or ‘welp, she’s been right about everything else! :D? :D?’
Oh it didn’t make sense! Breq was totally crazy with grief and making terrible plans, but since she is sure she doesn’t actually have emotions or do stupid things because she knows she ‘isn’t human’ there is a lot of narrative momentum to think she is a totally rational actor. But she isn’t!
We loved Ancillary Mercy! Which surprised me because we loved Justice (somehow being an AI with a lot of bodies and being multiple seems similar even though they are opposite, it still *felt* very right) but Sword did not do a lot for us, so we went into reading Mercy without high expectations. And then it was just marvelous, both for the scale of the plot and the outcome, and also just for the feeling of watching everyone live in the atmosphere of the world & the emotional connections. I wanted SO MUCH MORE Seivarden though. 🙂
“We are no longer cousins” kills me dead every time. I LOVE the dynamic between Breq and Sphene, and I really wish there was more of it.
Also I would love to find out more about what Breq did for the Itran Tetrarchy.
actually, upon checking my email I see that there is a story explaining the deal with the Tetrarchy and the icon of Seven Brilliant Truths Shine the Sun, and it’s great, you should all read it, and thanks for pointing it out to me, NeuroticChihuahua !!
Yes SPHENE oh I loved her sense of humour.
I filed paperwork yesterday to have my name legally changed. I’m kinda freaking out that it’s going to make things like finding a new job and a new apartment complicated. I don’t know how to really prompt people at work about it. It feels weird and foreign and like it’s something I shouldn’t be doing. I don’t know that I’ve ever been happier. No, wait, there was that one time with that Russian that was like a 9. But yeah, I’m am a big joyous anxiety ball.
Also my ankle is still broken but it’s healing better and I totally creeped out my crush and she no longer initiates conversation with me.
Congratulations!
We ought to do this thing, because the first name we use is not the first name on any of our documents and it is getting more complicated as our kids get older & we fill out various paperwork. You are awesome for getting it done!
PHOTOCOPY YOUR OLD ID. YOU WILL NEED A MILLION PHOTOCOPIES OF YOUR OLD ID, because they will take it away from you when you get your new one. If you have a photocopy of an old photo ID, plus your name change documentation (get as many certified copies of the court order as you can afford to, because a lot of institutions will want the certified copy and won’t return it to you when they’re done!), plus your new photo ID, life will be smoother. Especially when you go to get your new social security card.
Crowd sourcing! Anyone here had PRK eye surgery? My eyes are SO bad but I can’t get LASIK.
Meeee!! I had PRK in September and it’s the best decision I have made pretty much ever.
How was the recovery? I’m a little spooked by reading online stories, of course!
It wasn’t bad at all! I had the surgery on a Thursday and the weekend was blurry and uncomfortable, but by Tuesday I was able to drive.
My brother had it, and he seems perfectly satisfied and is pushing me to get it. He did have to have it twice, and I’m not entirely sure why. My own eye doctor suggests that it was because he had it done as a Marine and that’s the state of government health care. My mom thinks it because his eyes were just that bad before he had it done. My brother says it’s just a thing that happens in some small percentage, where the eyes revert. At any rate, it has now been several years and his vision is great and he’s very happy that he got it done.
A friend had it about 6 years ago, and he said the recovery was a bit long and quite restrictive, but he loved the results. I think the key to the recovery is having someone around to help – to fetch you ice cream and tell you stories while you sit in the dark and such!
Yes! I had it several years ago. The recovery was not great – for me, it actually got worse over time as the clear contacts you can’t take out accumulated more and more proteins. But as soon as I got them out (7 days in my case) it was really really great. Definitely download some good audiobooks or podcasts, curate some great playlists, get a luxury eyemask (makes such a difference). I still count it as one of the best decisions I ever made and money I spent, and very much worth the week of lying on a couch not being able to look at things.
Thanks! I appreciate yours and everyone’s stories from years out — most people who ‘review’ the surgery online seem to be about one week out and grouchy, so it’s hard to get a sense of how it goes in the long term.
Tights-wearing Toasties, what (opaque) tights are of a high enough fancyness level to wear with a fancy party dress?
Any kind! Are you looking for brand recommendations? My absolute favourite beyond all else tights are by Tabio, a Japanese company who have shops in London. I do not know where you are but I guess maybe the States, but maybe they also have shops there. They’re amazing – fit super well, come in a bonkers array of colours and thicknesses and patterns as well as plain, never sag, always stay up around your waist, forever, until you forget to cut your toenails and they holes in the toes but that’s your fault.
oooh, these look perfect, thanks for the rec!
These. They stay up without garters and actually look super fancy. Nordstrom has them. http://www.amazon.com/Wolford-Velvet-Thigh-Highs-…
unff those look gorgeous and fancy!
These are on sale and are literally the best tights I’ve ever owned. I’m very good at immediately destroying tights and these have resisted all my efforts so far!
Just a note to say one of my closest family members was in the hospital at this time last year. This year he is healthy and coming home for the holidays! It is the best.
If any of you are caring for family or friends who are going through physical/mental health struggles, I hope you’ll be on the other side very soon.
This is probably neither the time nor the place but man, I am super depressed right now. Does anyone have recommendations from what one can do to try to pull onesself out? I’m trying to keep myself too busy and see friends and everything but when I have a quiet moment there is a sadness boulder on my shoulders.
Do you have a history of depression, or is this an unusual thing? Sometimes therapy and/or medication is the only thing that really works, and trying to pull yourself out just makes you feel worse when it doesn’t work. But meanwhile, stuff you can try: eating more iron (vitamin deficiency can = depression, or so I’ve learned), exercising, watching The Maria Bamford Show online or reading Hyperbole and a Half because the way they deal honestly and hilariously with the dark stuff may make you feel less alone, journaling, talking honestly to friends about what you’re going through. Just what’s worked for me sometimes. Feel good 🙂
I have a history, it’s just a bad flare up right now. I will try the iron (and vitamin D), and spend time with people who make me laugh. Thanks for the recommendation and support!
I second the suggestion of vitamin d and iron. I also suggest taking omega 3’s. I struggle with depression and take anti depressants but I find omega 3’s help too.
Also, talk to your doctor, there might be something they can do to help.
Virtual hugs from me, being depressed is a never ending battle but you are worth fighting for.
Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. The typical advice is to try to see a counselor, and for me that worked great and I highly recommend therapy to everyone!
If that’s not an option (or even if it is), here are some other things I try to think about:
1) It’s ok to be sad sometimes. Not everyone is super perky and upbeat 100% of the time. If you find that you are actively seeking lots of solitude in order to sit quietly and be sad, or you can’t concentrate on your social activities when you do them, or you are giving up on things you like doing, that is not as good, but still, give yourself a break for at least a little while.
2) understand that people might not really get it. A lot of people told me I just needed to buck up, be more active, pray, etc. While it’s important to stay active (and if you’re religious you should pray) it’s ok if those things don’t magically make you not depressed. You should still do them though. They are part of the things you should do regardless of depression/nondepression.
3) Find someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling, whether that person is a professional or not. Tied in with 2) is that you want someone you can trust to talk about how you’re feeling. It’s good to feel like there is someone who has your back. If you live with or are close with any family members, encourage them to read up on depression.
4) Know that it doesn’t last forever. It took me a long time to find the combination of therapy/drugs/increased self esteem. But I got there. Have faith. It gets better.
Big internet hugs…
Depending on what the weather is in your neck of the woods, and whether you might be experiencing SAD…have you ever tried a lightbox? I find it is a soothing and uplifting way to start the day, especially when I am feeling particularly down.
I find this is usually a good time to lose yourself in a long-running mystery series, where all the terrible things happen offstage or everything is solved by someone irreverent and snarky. Rex Stout is good, and the Miss Fisher mysteries are about frivolous things like elegantly tailored clothes and cocktails between murders.
Get outdoors. Do it now. Do so for just 3 minutes without a coat, if you think stopping for one might derail you. And keep in touch here. ::Toasthugs::
*internet hug*
[Cliche warning] Take care of yourself and do what makes you feel good. Whether that means loading up your calendar and staying busy, or hiding under your blankets for a pre-determined about of time (i.e., for the afternoon, not forever).
Yoga usually helps me. It recenters me and helps me focus on one thing instead of everything going wrong with my life/emotions/the world.
Also, when you are in those alone times where you feel alone and sad, try to think about one thing nice that you did, a friend did, or you read about. It doesn’t make the sad go away, but it sometimes helps to bring me out of the headset that everything is and always be awful for myself and everyone else.
Rereading a good/favorite book- HP, Julia Quinn romance novels, The Princess Bride, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and Love Walked In are my go tos
Acknowledging, “Hey, I am feeling sad and lonely at the moment. It is because I am depressed. This has happened before and I made it through it. I will make it through it this time. But right now my body is telling me to be sad/lonely, and it is okay to let myself be that way. It is part of the process of my body/mind/emotions. I can be sad and lonely but also come back from that.”
Those things usually help me. Also, I’m sending you hugs/prayers/thoughts of baby animals/whatever your comfort/support of choice is.
For me, tv (comedies only) and a regular activity that is committed to financially both help. The tv because it’s a way to shut my brain off for a little but not with a distraction that’s too high level. The activity because it gives me something to look forward to and if I’ve pre-paid for it, I’m less likely to skip out. (Suggestions-a dance class, a class a community college for a random subject, your local recreation department, arty things. But anything that you normally enjoy when not depressed is a good bet!)
Buy a SAD light. Use it 3 times a day. My kids remind me. Winter is evil.
I hear you. The two actions which have been most helpful for me during those moments have been picking up the phone and calling to set up an appointment with a therapist (can feel overwhelmingly BIG, I know) and taking myself out for a long, vigorous walk. Thinking of you and sending you lots of light from an Internet stranger-friend.
This is going to sound kind of basic but: full spectrum light bulbs, candles (unscented might be best) if you can in the evenings/with meals, clementines or other fresh citrus, some kind of physical activity like walking or jogging that makes you the good kind of tired, and complete a household cleaning chore that’s been nagging at the back of your mind. We are in the darkest part of the year and that’s a real grind on the mind and body. Especially when you’re faced with people who are having an easy time getting into the Christmas spirit. (The nagging household task is a sure-fire way for me to feel better but I know that it might not be for other people. I like it to be something I can do in less than an hour. Among my favorites are- moping the kitchen floor, cleaning behind the washer and dryer, or the fridge or under the stove (pro: takes very little time! con: filthy!), and or sorting and filing my paid bills.)
The things that make me feel worse this time of year? Alcohol (other than a tablespoon of amaretto in my 12 oz cocoa, I count that as a flavoring), too much sugar, not enough water, not enough vegetables, too much sleep. Last year I just didn’t do Christmas, I mean, I went to my parents house and I bought presents but I didn’t sing carols in the shower and I didn’t watch my favorite Christmas movies or any of that. It’s okay. Some years it doesn’t happen. (Is it wrong of me to suggest that if people get mad that you’re not being festive that you tell them you’re focusing on Jesus this year? Yes? I think it might be wrong, but maybe not.)
Anyway, long response- Good Luck!
Oh I feel you, I am in the same damn boat right now. Mostly you just tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” and keep putting one foot in front of the the other, but when time hangs too heavy and everything is awful, I make origami “lucky” stars http://www.origami-instructions.com/origami-lucky… They’re pretty easy. Big, glossy magazines or colorful newspaper inserts offer interesting results.
The key to this scheme, though, is putting all your finished stars in a tall, thin glass. Sometimes they turn out flat and gross so you throw those away, but most of the time you get little fat happy stars, and you can look at them in that glass, and say, “everything sucks, but I made those stupid fat little happy stars, so fuck it.”
And also, yeah, talking to someone
The Toast is always both the time and the place.
I think you have some great suggestions here, but I will also add that when I’m down, I allow myself to do everything a little “extra.” Need to bathe regularly? Let’s get some really great smelling treat – bubble bath or sugar scrub or whatever – to make it special. Need to eat? Let’s go ahead and add a special cookie or a fancy side that I don’t usually spring for. I acknowledge that I’m really fortunate that I can do this, in a financial sense, and not everyone can. For the times where I haven’t been able to do that, even if it’s just watching TV by myself, bringing all of my favorite pillows and blankets to the couch to make a special nest can be a good, deliberate way to remind myself that I am a person who is worth the effort of doing nice things for. Even if, and *especially if*, I’m doing it for myself.
Additionally, if this helps at all, we have a mere five days before each day starts getting longer again. We’re all going to have more and more sunlight, slowly but surely, if we can hang in for a couple of days.
Depression is an insidious monster. And complicated. You have gotten some great advice, but if you will accept a random stranger hug, I am throwing one your way. (Very gently, of course.)
If I might add – taking care of the body part of things is usually something I stop doing first and need the most. Eat, sleep, stay hydrated, and get some exercise/outdoors-ness. Good luck to you.
So I’ve been having a kind of crummy week with Tedious Work Stuff. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel to nowhere but I don’t know how to get off. So. What kind of random stuff is making you smile this week?
For me it’s the only acceptable use of Buzzfeed: random pictures of Tom Hiddleston.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/literally-just…
Let’s do a thread of silly cheer!
Things that made me smile was finally decorating the Christmas tree, with a fire and Bing Crosby on the stereo and a nice bottle of red wine. And putting off dieting until January because the Christmas cookies we’ve received are too good not to binge on.
Also, this was pretty great: http://jezebel.com/the-best-vines-i-found-while-h…
Same, dude! I stress-crafted 3 fresh pine wreaths this week also due to Tedious Work Stuff + Future Life stuff. It was so involved I couldnt really focus on anything else and when i was done I had 3 decorative wreaths! Also wine. Also, the ridiculous and addictive show Ghost Adventures.
I am wearing my new Middle Earth Mordor Fun Run shirt (because one doesn’t just walk), my primary source heavy class apparently did well on their papers (thank god), I think I just made a chemist do a happy dance across campus and I am writing up shit for another department, because apparently I word things well and have a dog in that fight, and I’m paying off my car TONIGHT.
And yet, I’m incredibly depressed. I hate the holidays, I found out I make over 3k less a year than my less experienced and invested co-worker. I don’t want to eat, I just want to sleep or play video games forever. And because I’m not eating, my 1/2 marathon training has taken a huge dive. My cat is worried about me and has taken to sitting on me constantly to make things better (before it was like 75% sitting on me, now it’s a solid 85-90% sitting on me).
My boss just wants to cut our journal subscriptions and not get our new subscriptions until a month later undoing the happy dance causing in the chemistry department. Like, I’m getting wins, but they don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. My grandboss is still gonna hate me, my boss is still gonna stall, my love life will remain non-existent, and eventually I am going to be smothered by my cat trying to help.
Hey, have you considered asking HR for a salary equity adjustment? When I worked for admin in an academic department, it was literally the only kind of raise HR wouldn’t fight us about.
I am so sorry. Holidays do seem to have that kind of impact for some people. I hate to be obvious, but, maybe check with your doc. Meanwhile, be sure you eat and sleep and hydrate appropriately. I tend to not do those basic things when depressed, what with sleeping and video games taking up my minimal brainpower.
I am sending you a huge, gentle, understanding hug. Or a very polite rather Victorian appropriate for internet strangers hug. Or just good wishes. Whichever you prefer.
Be kind to yourself.
Oh toast. I had a spare holiday day to take from work before the end of the year (what a socialist hell Europe is…) So I took today off and have been in bed all day.
I got a cheap ticket to Olympia (horse show in London) so I’m making myself go on my own and I fully intend on spending hideous amounts of money as one only can at a horse show (‘Christmas presents’ … For me mostly). Not that I can afford it, but I’m engaging in frivolous spending to distract myself from the fact that I’m going on my own because I don’t have any friends or a partner to go with me.
In other news I’m actually feeling a bit Christmassy this year! I decorated my house (for the first time in2 years) and I’m going home on Tuesday and I’m looking forward to sleep and food.
When i lived in london i always went to olympia alone, take a book for when you are shopped out. Have fun!
Thanks! I’m going to watch the pony grand national!
Although I’m struggling to find anything worth buying (I don’t ride regularly anymore so a £200 new helmet is hard to justify) and I’m actually feeling a bit weepy and missing my horse who’s back home in Ireland and I can’t buy him anything 🙁
Go for me and have fun because I don’t live in london or know anyone who would come with me, but I really love watching showjumping.
WEEKLY VIDEOGAME POST WHICH I USUALLY FORGOT TO POST.
Toasties: you can either tell me what you’re playing this week, OR tell me the best thing you played this past 2015, new or old. I was kinda meh on most major new releases this year, so the absolute best thing I played was the community-modded Knights of the Old Republic 2. Mostly because of this, the most badass of ladies:
(Awesome essay here on why Kreia is amazing and how KOTOR2 can be read as a subversive feminist narrative.)
This week I am playing KOTOR, surprisingly (not really), and Fallout 4.
KOTOR: because I can never stay away from Bioware for more than a few weeks. And also STARWARS. LS, dual wield Scout/Guardian.
Fallout: I am trying to stay away from the main quest but I may have to finish it soon so I can not be spoiled anymore. I love Piper, she is adorbs. I’m trying all the followers out and want to really like Cait but I think I might have to make another playthrough for her, since she’s a bit more chaotic and I’m roleplaying this character as a good girl (mostly).
I am still playing Splatoon, four months and 300 hours later. BUT. Steamworld: Heist has managed to distract me finally! I am loving this 2D strategy game and I love that the developers intentionally made sure that half the characters were female.
I was replaying Dragon Age Inquisition after watching a Trespasser let’s play, and I needed to see all the foreshadowing and shit, but then my save got corrupted so I’m angry playing Fallout 3 instead.
SOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAS
Ugh, I went into Inquisition blind, spoiler free, and of course decided to play a lady elf, because that’s me. Romanced Solas.
*angst filled scream of rage audible from space*
Instantly started a new game as a dwarf dude modeled slightly after Gimli and romanced Iron Bull. Much better.
I started playing as a dwarf who was just totally over everything and romanced Iron Bull. I also played as a Qunari rogue (annoying Iron Bull/romancing Josie) and a human mage (Romanced Cullen because he’s a woobie and I luff him). And then I was playing as an elven warrior (NO HUMANS ALLOWED IN MY PARTY) and my save got corrupted and now I’m mad.
Playing Fallout 4 a bit, though it is gotten pretty difficult. I either need to take the time to level up/ look for tips on how to get better at it, or back off the difficulty. I just got annoyed, cause it went from fine to super hard within like one quest.
Oh, neat! I read about the modding and it definitely got my attention, because I was pretty excited to revisit the worlds I loved so much in KOTOR but the game narrative was rather disjointed and unsatisfying.
But it can’t be a bad game, I think, because I haven’t played it in something like 8 years but I still think about it, even without reminders.
The beginning is still slow, and the end sometimes doesn’t make much sense (where are yooooou Bao Dur??), but the modding has created a pretty solid core game at this point. Great thing: Steam added Workshop support for KOTOR2 recently, which means that you can essentially “fix” it with only one extra press of a button. Yay for low-effort fixes of super-flawed masterpieces! 🙂
I was really excited when Origin offered Jade Empire as a free download. I’ve been replaying it and oh the bad lines and the cheesiness but I still love it and I still love Sky and Dawnstar just as much as I remember loving them before. That game is seriously cheesy though.
I know, but so pretty. I would 100% play a remake or sequel of that game. I want to see Silk Fox as an empress!
That game is so cheesy and hilarious. I love it.
Cook Teh: “Do thugs like you think you can just walk back here for food anytime? If I wanted *human* interaction, I’d have a kiosk in the square! Or maybe a trough.”
Dishwasher Wong: “Why a trough? We don’t feed the animals, Mister Teh. That’s handled by the farmers.”
Cook Teh: “Step back, Mister Wong. You just… step back.”
I love the bits during the credits.
Master Li: Once, when you were a child, you fell from a great height and cut your head clean off. I told you to walk it off, because, the cut was clean. And then you could punch a mountain… from space!
My brothers and I went around saying “Punch a mountain…from space!” pretty much all the time.
I had two video game topics I was looking forward to bringing to the thread!
One: After a bit of a hiatus, I went back to my most recent ME3 playthrough and completed it on Insanity. I am very pleased with myself! I am usually more of a normal-mode gamer, but also a bit of a completionist, and since Mass Effect games reward replaying with all their variables and alternate outcomes, I incrementally played at harder levels until I made it.
The surprising result is that this process made me a better gamer generally, at least in games that have a fighting strategy component. When I’ve picked up a new game or when I’ve revisited an old game, it just comes so much easier. Nothing is as difficult as that Collector ship battle in ME2 on Insanity!
Number Two is that after listening to folks obsess about Fallout 4, I started playing Fallout 3. It was gifted to me years ago, and I played it a little, but my old TV was very small and I could hardly find my way around Megaton, let alone any dark creepy ruin. So I put it down and never went back for some reason.
Playing it on a much better screen, I am so surprised at how beautiful it is. I make sure to sleep at night so I can tromp around in the daylight and look at the sun shining on fields of rubble and crumbling monuments. The soundtrack is lovely. It’s a very easy game to get lost in, I can see.
So what’s everyone’s favorite way to play Fallout? My usual tactic in Elder Scrolls games is to become the leader of every faction, collect interesting garbage, and basically become the richest and most powerful peon in the land. That is… not happening, for a variety of reasons (karma? Seriously, karma makes it much harder to rob the unwary), so I’m open to other ideas.
If you love collecting interesting garbage, Fallout 4 is great, as you actually have a use for it.
Nothing has motivated me to buy that game like this comment has.
I’m doing ME2 and then 3 right now because I need to distract myself from the fact that I am not buying Fallout 4 until I get a better gaming computer (mine only *just* meets the *minimum* requirements).
I’d forgot how much I love being Shepard. I always play her like I’m a captain in Star Trek. Always end up being such a goodie goodie but with a healthy dose of bad assery 😉 And that collector ship battle the worst/best. The first time I played, I went in unawares and a bit unprepared and had to scale back the difficulty to beat it. Not this time! Insanity all the way!
I am pretty sure the Collector ship battle is the hardest. Well, either that dang ship, the Praetorian attack on Horizon, or the husk-heavy Reaper core where you get Legion. I died a lot playing ME2 on Insanity and even when I chose carefully, surviving seemed to be partly a matter of pure luck.
But then, playing ME3 on Insanity was a breeze. I hardly ever had to reload! And when I restarted ME3 with my Insanity character, which I did only so I could unlock that last “upgrade a weapon to 10” achievement, my overpowered Infiltrator FemShep blew through Earth and Mars while I was practically nodding off (it was late!).
FemShep is seriously the best. It’s just so incredible seeing this woman stride around being the boss of the galaxy.
Collector Ship + Praetorian + Husk Core = yeah, those are the three hardest moments in ME2.
Meanwhile, in ME3, my Vanguard was basically a ping-pong ball of death. The final fight in particular was way too easy. “Shepard, get to the guns!” “Uh, okay-” *WHOOOSH*
If I play through again, I will play as a Vanguard. My very first character was a Vanguard, but I was so timid with her–I mean, I chose Vanguard because I wanted to shoot magic at enemies from a distance but I also was afraid a pure biotic would be physically weak–that I didn’t biotically charge anybody.
Playing multiplayer and having my butt kicked by my Vanguard doppelganger in the Citadel arena have persuaded me otherwise.
ME3 Infiltrator is the best. “Liara, can you just freeze that person in place for me while I shoot them with my miniaturized railgun?”
DISHONOURED! Oh my god I loved it so much. When I was playing Fallout 4 I was mostly wandering the wasteland wishing I could use Blink to teleport around and assist my sneaking. I’m very excited for Dishonoured 2.
I just saw the trailer for Dishonored 2 and I am also SUPER EXCITED.
Well you’ve inspired me to buy Dishonored so I thank you.
I love Kreia! I’ve been trying to get her armor in the Cartel Market in SWTOR for my Sith Inquisitor lady.
Well that might finally convince me to play SWOTOR!
Holy cow this essay is fantastic. I hated being railroaded into conflict with Kreia in KOTOR2.
I have been playing Fallout 4 and Rise of the Tomb Raider although I probably won’t be able to put any time into them until after the holidays. Best game I played this year was Tales From The Borderlands. So great.
Friends! Toasties! Countrymen!
I AM AN OUT QUEER GIRL! I don’t really know if I’m lesbian or bi or whatever but I am queer and I have told my parents and my friends and everyone and so I am now *hand flourish* officially *bows* out!
I shall post the rest of my coming out story in the replies because it is long and I have no one to bear witness to this in my house.
Let me tell you how I told my mother:
We were watching Watch What Happens Live, a very gay show, hosted by Andy Cohen, who is gay, and the guests were Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Eichner, who are both gay. They were playing a game in which they decided which holiday things were more gay. I could hear Roy from the IT Crowd in my head saying “That’s quite gay”.
So as three drag queens were doing the shotski, I turned to my mom and said “…you know I’m definitely not straight, right?” and she was super supportive. She’s always been super great about raising us to be accepting of homosexuality, but she’s not hip to the sexuality-is-a-spectrum thing. But she’s not forcing me to pick a side. She loves my girlfriend even as My Girlfriend instead of Gal Pal.
Coming out to my best friend from high school was actually harder than coming out to my mom. My friend saw me last weekend and asked how “far” my gf and I have “gone.” I felt very very uncomfortable but informed her that for personal reasons we were remaining celibate. Actually I used the correct Catholic word “chaste”. Anyways, she said it was okay I was dating my girlfriend because we weren’t doing anything wrong.
let’s go over the things that are wrong with this:
1. You don’t ask something so personal. She would be so offended if I ever asked such a thing of her and her boyfriend
2. Personal touch does not define a relationship. The people in the relationship define the relationship.
3. chastity and celibacy and the “wrongness” of homosexuality….eh thats a rant for another day.
I got an A- on my Queer Twelfth Night paper, which I will gladly take. I ended up writing around 4500 words on queer theory last weekend because of finals, but it is done and I am free.
I also got my braces off! I ate so much caramel I missed it so much. My retainer hurts so bad but Im getting used to it.
The siblings are busy as usual. The eldest of my younger brothers wrapped up his time as Algernon in The Importance of Being Earnest. The muffin scene was hilarious, and there was a line that Gwendolyn delivered about the “equality of the sexes”. Each time she said this line directly at me. Being a feminist in catholic school makes you stick out like a sore thumb. Anyways, he’s going to play the Wizard in The Wizard of Oz and Petruchio in Taming of the Shrew in the Spring.
My sister is going to be Scrooge again two more times, and we just found out she will be Timon in The Lion King! very exciting.
The littlest brother is playing The Grinch in his little Readers’ Theater play at his show.
My siblings are very dramatic.
Anyways, we’re all headed up to DC on Sunday for xmas. Top things on my list: Dykes to Watch Out For, Pillbox hats, swing dresses, and She & Him records. I have eclectic tastes. I shall be thinking of all of you for my first Christmas with the Toast. You guys really do keep me sane and confident.
mwah mwah mwah
-Daisy
[cheers you on] so glad your mom is being great! also that finals are over, whew.
Good for you and good for your mother. Have a wonderful holiday in DC!!!
Yay, that is so great! Congratulations on everything!
Also, what’s the difference between braces and a retainer? I know that’s definitely not the point of your post, but I just can’t figure it out.
Braces: wire things you can’t take off at all
Retainer: little plastic tray (invisalign) you take out when you eat.
Ah, thank you! There’s only one word for either in German, that’s why I was curious.
Hooray! I’m glad your mom was supportive and cool!
Congratulations! What a lovely story!
Cheers to you, daisymerolling!
Long, rough last week of the quarter. My brain is mush and all week I’ve been dragging myself home and curling up in front of Murder She Wrote unable to do anything else. But vacation is near! And I’m going to see Book of Mormon tomorrow!
And today I am focused on doing absolutely no work and reading through this fascinating blog about sandwiches http://www.sandwichtribunal.com/
Toasties! I hope you all have wonderful plans for the upcoming holidays, etc! I am taking off all the time between Christmas and New Year’s. I am going to see family and celebrate Christmas which will be very nice, but I am looking forward to a few lovely days off just sleeping late and reading trashy books on my Kindle. A+.
General question for the group: is there a particular event you associate with the holidays? For me it’s Christmas breakfast with my family- we never had breakfast together in the mornings because everyone was headed out to school/work/etc, but Christmas morning after presents we sit around the table and eat eggs and bacon and biscuits and enjoy the peace before everyone arrives for Christmas dinner. I look forward to waking up to that bacon smell every year.
Christmas Eve dinner with my mom’s family. We’ve been doing it basically the same since my great-grandparents came here from Poland. We fry fish and eat pierogies, and share opłatki and try to keep the toddlers from bashing their heads on the fireplace. It’s awesome.
PIEROGIES. YOM. That sounds delightful!
So many things, but two things I most associate with the holidays are, in no particular order:
* The making of the Roast Beast: for the past 15 years, it must be now, my dad has ordered a giant haunch of beef (we joke that it’s the side of a cow, but in fairness it is slightly smaller than an entire half of a cow) as the centerpiece of Christmas dinner. He slathers it with a paste of garlic, olive oil, and a secret mix of herbs (mostly fresh rosemary and sage, grown in the backyard garden he’s started keeping) until it looks like a large moldy haunch of meat, then roasts it for hours in the oven. It is both ridiculous and perfect.
* Christmas Quiz: my family has a box of Christmas trivia questions (like Trivial Pursuit cards, but from a different company and only about Christmas) that we set out on the coffee table every year, and ever since we got them, I’ve been Christmas Quizmaster, where I commandeer the box and ask the rest of my family (and whoever else is in the house) trivia questions until one or all of us gets bored. We must have gone through all of the questions several times over, but it’s still fun.
Roast beast! That sounds delightful.
Toasts, I had an excellent morning filled with meetings and also a FULL PAYCHECK instead of the half-check I was expecting. Perfect timing. MrChouffe gets Xmas presents AND my bills get paid!
Have you had any lovely surprises lately that you’d like to share with the class?
I have to unexpectedly work Christmas Eve (not a lovely surprise); but Mr. Lass quietly re-arranged our family plans so that we are not rushing about.
I got a work bonus for christmas! sometimes I forget that I’m working full-time at a real company, because I’m often shambly and this place is very small & informal, but extra $$ is the best reminder!
I also got a bonus last week! Completely unexpected and very much appreciated. Especially since I have to pay for some car repairs in about 20 minutes.
I have unexpectedly gotten added as a coauthor to two paper in the past 2 weeks. After not getting on any in the past year (including the ones that should have put me on, grrrrrr). So I have some unexpected editing to fit in my schedule somehow but that is a great problem to have!
A few weeks ago I posted asking for stories of the best present you’ve ever given and posted the story behind mine, a Pikachu I made for my brother when I was around 9 and he was around 7. He hopped on the Pokemon craze early and no stuffed Pikachu were available in our rural tristate area at the time, so I made him one. Pikachu has been found and here are pictures of him:
He used to have button eyes and cheeks but they were loved right off. My mom is pretty sure that the fabric used was leftover from cushion piping.
Tell me of the best gift you’ve ever given or received! I love giving gifts and seeing the evidence of this ugly thing I made my brother 18+ years ago makes me happy and ready for the holidays.
That is AMAZING! I love that your family still has that!
Before there was Spongebob merch, I made my younger brother a Spongebob doll out of an ACTUAL sponge for Christmas. He was not as enthused as it sounds like your brother was, but I felt very clever and my mom kept it for like ten years.
For context, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. Like have-a-tattoo-Harry Potter fan. A few years ago, my sister made and framed a collage for me that had the covers of SS and DH, the first page of SS and last page of DH (she’d gotten cheap paperbacks online). She’d had a friend with a Cricut make the words “all was well” and overlaid it. It was (is) glorious and I promptly burst into tears upon receiving it.
The best gift I ever received was a letter my sister wrote the year she wasn’t able to get anyone actual presents, due to a gigantic snowstorm that made it impossible for her to get to (or, for a few nights, from) her job at the mall, since she’d planned to go shopping on her lunch breaks and such for us.
Instead, she wrote out apology letters and used the thesaurus on her computer to choose the most overblown and ridiculous synonyms for 90% of the content of each letter. She was no longer sorry she couldn’t get me a gift, she was ‘chagrined I could no longer obtain for you a Yuletide offering.’ I still think about it every Christmas. And all year long.
This is just THE BEST. What a lovely gift!
One of the best I’ve ever received is: When I was very young, I had a Popple stuffed animal that I loved. I took it with me everywhere, which eventually became a problem when I lost it in the local grocery store one day. I was inconsolable, and insisted on checking at the Customer Service desk every single visit to the store to see if anyone had found it. For, like, several years. Nobody ever found or returned it. CUT TO 15 years later, when a friend surprised me with pretty much the exact same Popple, out of the blue, based on one previous mention of said Popple and said heartbreak. It was pretty fantastic.
Another great one – my mom purchased a trip for me and my wife that included a Falconry lesson/2 night stay in a REALLY fancy resort/spa in Vermont, which she apparently found out about via a banner ad on Facebook. As someone who thinks birds of prey are the raddest ever, it was an incredible and memorable experience.
Adorbs!
My sister is very artistic by nature but rarely actually does anything art-y. For my birthday one year she painted a custom set of Meeples to look like me. (Meeples are the tiny people-ish shaped playing pieces for board games, I like board games.)
OH MY HEART
So sweet!!!
My sister wrote an essay about me for some kind of senior-year project in high school (she is three years younger than me) and gave me a copy. It was basically a love letter, in the way that little sisters talk about their big sisters, and I cherish it.
I don’t have a pic of it, but in college I made my girlfriend (now my wife of ~23 years) a spotted elephant like the one on the Island of Misfit Toys in the Rankin & Bass “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” We named him Humphrey.
I would like to hear about your good-luck charms and/or rituals.
Mine is a particular type/tube of mascara. When I wear it, my jokes are funnier. I win arguments. Friends throw flowers at my feet and men shrink to silence in my presence.
(I know it’s magical thinking, shh, it’s fun.)
You all must have some good ones.
I have underwear with penguins that I feel are similarly powerful. Also a couple types of lipstick!
This has kind of fallen by the wayside as I’ve discovered that it’s just easier to braid my hair every day. But back when I wore it down/in ponytails more often, I would braid it when I needed a little extra bit of luck. Sort of like crossing my fingers, but with hair instead.
Somewhere my sisters and I heard someone refer to a ponytail as a “battle pony” so now if I want to feel extra sassy, I put my hair up into a super high ponytail and call it my battle pony.
(also, contrary to the spirit of this post, I am not a 10 year old girl, but a fully grown woman in her 30s. Battle ponies ftw)
stealing this. sometimes i stick a ponytail straight on the top of my head and feels like the fringe on a trojan helmet. “battle pony” from here on out.
PLEASE DO. Battle ponies for everyone!!
For job interviews and big things like that, I always say “I will sell this house today!” like from American Beauty (which, I know, doesn’t seem like it would work but it always keeps me super focused and empowered) while blasting JAI HO from from Slumdog Millionaire, and by the end of that ritual, I feel so pumped up on endorphins, I feel like I can do anything. Maybe I should do that more often and not just for job interviews…
Rabbit rabbit on the first of the month!
Very loud electronic music and nice big headphones! Makes me wander around in public grinning and bopping but NO ONE CAN SPEAK TO ME, SUCKERS
I used to have a evil eye charm that my friend brought back from Turkey, but I lost it when I got in a car accident! She just lost hers when she tipped a pan of hot grease onto herself, but managed to step back out of the splash.
I can’t believe I forgot to mention my new good luck charm! I went to visit this same friend’s parents in Mexico City & we went to the witches’ market. My friend and I both got a good luck amuleto made & our other friend got a job finding amuleto made! I had to write my name on an Ochosi prayer card (in sparkly pink gel pen), and the card + a bunch of other stuff is all wrapped up in a little oil-soaked red wool bag. I’m supposed to keep it in my right pocket all the time, but I don’t have pockets, usually, so I keep it in my purse.
whoa, that is some next-level luck magic.
also, it sounds like those evil eye charms are …. one-time use? 😉
I have a pendant that’s a silver cast of a 19th century wax seal–it has a dagger on it and says COURAGE SANS PEUR (Courage Without Fear, in French). My parents gave it to me as my high school graduation gift, and I’ve worn it to every final exam and job interview I’ve ever had. Also, the night I proposed to my now-fiancee.
I have a couple of bracelets I wear that have the prayer of St. Francis and Patrick’s Breastplate on them. When I put them on it’s more of a ritual to remind me how to act (Francis for compassion and Patrick for courage) than for luck, but I certianly feel more capable when I wear them. For more strightforward luck, I have a necklace of the rabbit in the moon and tube of lipgloss (it’s good luck because everyone compliments me on my makeup then).
Different bath products for different effects — the clear green shampoo for high-power days, since it has that sort of springtime vernal energy, the white & pink shampoo/conditioner for softer days.
There is a way of looking at the world where /everything/ is like this, which we do not get to indulge in very often because with two kids there is not a lot of time. But oh wow can some of us go there when we choose.
does that way of looking at the world, have a name? or do you just mean, thinking this way, but more focused and intentional? (i don’t want to take up your time asking for an education, but i’m curious.)
You are definitely not wasting my time, I like talking to people & I like curious. 🙂
I don’t know if it has a name or not; it might just be magical thinking writ large, and also sympathy in the magical sense — sympathetic magic, the magic of correspondence. Some people here actually see the world that way all the time, and so it is not actually more focused and intentional, they have to be focused and intentional to move through things /without/ seeing it all as reflecting some larger mystical/spiritual pattern. Because if everything you eat/drink/wear is ‘as below so above’ then it can make decision-making take a very long time.
For instance: do we put cream in our coffee (rich, luxurious, soft, satiny, prosperous but indulgent) or do we put soy milk (thinner, sharper, maybe a little more bitter, stronger/healthier, more athletic/active)? Do we sweeten it with brown sugar (earthy, moist but also practical, sort of everyday) or honey (indulgent, definitely matches with the cream, but also a lot of power in honey because it is hydroscopic and created in nature, so bring in the bees as the sort of work/effort and also the queen and so on) or maple syrup (trees, so wood-related, rooted in the earth but not of it, harvested in winter usually so a taste of snow/ice so a little more reserved)?
Like that. About /everything/. As though drinking coffee with cream and honey will cause us to be a sort of luxurious powerful queen bee for the day, and drinking it with maple and soy milk will make us cold and reserved and practical and strong. 🙂
this is RAD and fascinating, thank you so much for writing it all out!
i have tons of babbly magic thoughts that i could babble, but mostly, i gotta go fix myself a cup of coffee with cream & honey. 😉
You are very welcome, it was really a pleasure for me & for my sources. 🙂
I would love to hear your tons of babbly magic thoughts if you want to share them! I am brynplusplus @ gmail if email is nicer for your queen bee self. 🙂
I have an iron key necklace that I wear when I’m feeling down, to keep away the faeries (who as we all know are mischievous at best). It has yet to let me down.
YOU GUYS. i’m wearing the mascara today, right now. and a person who usually says “no” to me, said “yes.” he said “yes and,” which is even better.
it’s magical. it just is.
All right this is a little nutty but I have little orange elephant earrings that my bff gave me when I was in her wedding and I imagine them as tiny sentinels on either side of me. I wear them on particularly stressful days, and whisper to myself “the elephants will protect me” when I put them on.
tiny orange sentinel elephants! i love it so much.
Mine are mostly jewelry. I wear a silver Hebraica ring my sister gave me (actually, a replica, because a vacuum ate the first one) that I wear every day. It’s a beautiful ring, but it’s also sort of a comfort/reminding me of my family roots thing. When I feel like I need a little help (whether confidence or being true to myself), I wear a plain silver ring I made in elementary school next to it on my ring finger. It has my initials stamped in the inside. It reminds me to be the kind of person 8-year-old me would have wanted me to become. My last and most amulet-y piece is a delicate silver and white gold necklace that was my grandmother’s (she’s still alive, luckily!). I wear when I have to go to businessy events to give comments against bad projects or gather information while surrounded by suits from the other side.
Billy Joel’s “You’re Only Human.” I’ve listened to it before every test, exam, and job interview since I was introduced to it in high school. (Part of its power comes from the fact that I first heard it on a mix CD from possibly the best person I’ve ever known.)
When I go on long flights I wear a red bandana in my hair Rosie the Riveter-style which belonged to my grandpa. It has polka dots on it. And I carry around in my wallet two little arcade tokens which I found in a box of loose change once. I don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing but I’m pretty sure if I lose them it’ll be a CALAMITY.
power perfume. I have several that I rotate between, and when I wear one of them I am transformed magically into a Sophisticated Lady Not to be Fucked With.
also: perfectly bold eyebrows are the key to everything.
I have a glow in the dark faux-jade money frog, and I always keep a loonie or toonie in its mouth, and always have it out and on display in every apartment I’ve had since my very early twenties. I got the idea from Ursula Vernon, who, if you’ve never seen her art or read her writing, you’re missing out, seriously.
I’ve almost never been so badly off financially that I had to seriously worry about being poor, and I mean, I could attribute that to hard work and wise financial decisions, but we all know that all the hard work and smarts in the world don’t mean jack if you’re not also lucky, and I’ve been lucky, in that I’ve always been in a position where my hard work keeps me comfortable instead of keeping me barely afloat. And i kind of credit Money Frog. Whenever I move to a new place, Money Frog is one of the first non-essential items I unpack.
Before I am about to give scary presentations or interviews or anything, I will find a quiet corner or bathroom stall and chant Nicki’s verse from “Monster.” It is my version of the serenity prayer.
I have three silver rings I never take off that are a matched set with the ones my older brother wears. I rely very heavily on different perfumes to invoke different aspects of what I want to present as. My luck style is pretty focused on sympathy/resonance and just kind of “tuning in” to the frequency of my need or desire.
Also: red lipstick.
oh holy shit, nicki’s verse from “Monster.” i had to drop everything and listen to it just now.
Yesterday I shelled out a LOT of $$ for Adele on Stubhub because my SO is a superfan and I am a… more casual fan and, like the rest of the world apparently, couldn’t get tickets on Ticketmaster before they were sold out. But now I’m nervous! I’ve heard some stadiums are photo ID entry only. And considering my tix are resold I’m worried I’ll get caught. Please share any tales you have of using ticket reselling sites successfully. Or not successfully. I just want to know what I’m in for.
(And thanks for the productivity vibes in yesterday’s link roundup– it really helped!)
I haven’t used them for concerts, but I’ve bought hockey tickets on stubhub approximately one billion times and never had an issue! And my understanding is that if you have an issue with your tickets – if they are counterfeit, not for the right seat, etc – they will provide you with different tickets of an equal or better value or you’ll get refunded. If you are very nervous about it, I’d email their customer service and ask what you would need to do if you have an ID/credit card entrance problem.
stubhub is pretty much the only resale vendor I use, and I haven’t had a problem yet. I haven’t yet come across the photo ID requirement, though? BUT I’m pretty sure there is a mechanism on Ticketmaster for “transferring” tickets to someone else’s name, so I’m sure it CAN be done even if I don’t know the specifics.
I had this exact same anxiety for a Portoisehead show a number of years back. Turned out no one cared, but it was in Montreal, so… standards might be different at your venue?
Toasties who have been/are pregnant: is it actually possible to prevent stretch marks with any kind of cream/lotion/oil? Do any of the billion things that pop up when I google it actually work? I’m almost halfway through the first trimester and have grown a bra size (booooo hiss) and I feel like there are idk, pre-stretch marks maybe? on the sides of my boobs and I HATE it. If there’s anything that worked/is working for you I would love to know! (If the whole, “use this cream/oil/lotion and you won’t get stretch marks” thing is just another beauty scam to make money off of womens’ sense of inferiority about our bodies, I’d like to know that too, I guess)
Did anyone’s boobs go back to their pre-pregnancy size after? I will not be breastfeeding, will that help? This size D thing is not for me. (I will lose my mind if they grow more. Please let them not grow more.)
Sorry, it’s another scam 🙁 My understanding is that stretch marks are pure genetics.
Boobs are another genetic thing, but mostly they do go back to the same size or sometimes even smaller. Despite what people say, breastfeeding doesn’t make much of a difference–your breasts undergo the same changes (or at least most of the same changes) during and after pregnancy whether you breastfeed or not.
Although if you’re not breastfeed, at least you won’t have months and months of hormonally depressed libido! Sigh.
I would LOVE for them to be smaller than they were originally afterwards! I’ll hope for that.
Stretch marks are so weird. I have never been pregnant, but I got loads of them when I went through puberty (breasts, stomach, thighs, hips) which are still visible (though very faded) about 15 years down the line. I think I did moisturise them a bit, but they have lasted.
I got them in puberty but not pregnancy. Go figure.
I’m massaging my stomach and boobs with Bio Oil (a UK brand don’t know if it’s called the same thing everywhere, seems like a stupidly generic name to call your company IMO) every evening and so far don’t have any, but of course I don’t know if it works because it works or if I would get them in the first place. My boobs HAVE gone up two cup sizes (am five months now) and have swollen, may I say, grotesquely, so I do feel quite pleased that I don’t.
Unrelated to your question, but an anecdote I have to get off my 32H chest: they swelled so much that my nipples became flat, like they had been sucked into a sandpit of boob or something. I previously had sticky-out nipples, so this was a surprise. I googled it, and boobs can get adhesions that stick the nipples in the boob and you can massage them to break down the adhesions in order to get the nipples back out (helpful pre-breastfeeding). So, I did so, with the Bio Oil, that night – massaged my areolas quote forcefully. IT WAS THE WEIRDEST SENSATION I HAVE EVER HAD. I literally felt those adhesions break apart – my areolas felt like.. I don’t know… fibreglass? cotton candy? the sensation of stepping on a huge pile of snow and feeling something soft compacted into something still soft but much harder? ripping apart a big mound of cotton wool? It felt like all those things, and it was completely disgusting, but within 5 mins, my nipples were back.
“Losing your nipples” isn’t a side-effect of pregnancy that has ever been mentioned to me before. O.O
I feel like every day I learn something about the insanity of pregnancy. The ‘mask of pregnancy’ for example, is one of them. The fact that the foetus’ cells pass through the umbilical cord and lodge in the mother’s brain for the rest of her life. The fact that pregnant women have 50% more blood in their body than normal.
“Mask of pregnancy” isn’t just for you pregnant folks! It’s a hormonal thing, but even never pregnant people who have never taken hormonal birth control (which also can cause it!) can get it. Thanks, genes.
The foetus’s cells do WHAT? Good lord.
Pregnancy is SO WEIRD. This my favorite “pregnancy is weird” anecdote: once, I googled symptoms during my pregnancy and forgot to add “pregnant” at the end of the google box. The results were basically “Go the ER RIGHT NOW.” Then, I added “pregnant” and the results changed to “oh yeah, that can happen.”
(For the curious, I was at 17 weeks and trying to feel around my stomach to see if I could feel the baby kicking. Instead , I just felt my heartbeat. So I googled “feel heartbeat in stomach” which turned up results on abdominal aortic aneurysm (a bad thing). When I googled “feel heartbeat in stomach pregnant” the results just talked about increased blood flow. )
WHOA. A+ anecdote!!
seriously!!!
I’ve heard coconut oil does wonders and is your best bet. I already have a ton of stretch marks, though, so I’m assuming this is a battle I won’t win as I grow.
Stay hydrated, that’s about all you can do. It happens at a deeper dermal layer than lotion or oil or anything can reach. Sometimes they don’t even show up until the skin starts shrinking after birth. But at any rate, they fade.
1. stretch marks are genetic.
2. the only thing you can do is not gain too much weight and keep your muscles toned.
3. I got stretch marks when I went through puberty but no new ones during my pregnancy, so you never know.
Nope. You can’t do anything about stretch marks, but maybe get laser treatments later. Boobs will go back to former or slightly smaller, but the sad thing is they will be deflated. They will do that whether you breastfeed or not, so buy yourself some supportive and beautiful bras later. Also, at your postnatal checkup ask your care provider to check your abdominal muscles for diastasis recti. Congratulations! Rest now if you can!
I used Bio-Oil on my stomach, but I don’t think it helped at all – I still got stretch marks. (I also got stretch marks when I gained weight in my early 20s, so I am obviously prone to them). My breasts returned to pre-pregnancy size, and anecdotally that’s been the case with other women I know, whether they breastfed or not.
I finally did it. I filled out a profile on OkCupid… I don’t think this is gonna work though because one of two things is going to happen: I will never be messaged; I will delete my profile in nervous terror the first time somebody does message me.
Hi, yes are you me?! I just made a profile last week, and I’ve been getting messages but I’ve also been completely ignoring them because I’m too nervous to respond. I did respond to one person and we had a nice chat and then I was like “oh I’m going out of town for the holidays so if you want we can chat more in January”. But whether or not I will still have a profile in January remains to be seen. I am not good at the whole dating thing, and not good at the whole online dating thing. How do people just have relationships? I don’t understand!
I’ve had a profile for a few months, went on exactly one “eh” date and face the exact terror you describe every.single.time. I worked myself into a anxious frenzy over that one date. I hate dating and am terrible at it. How, indeed, do people have relationships?
Good for you! Don’t delete your profile. I know it’s terrifying. I do. You can survive the terror.
A compromise: If you just can’t stand it, need to delete the OKC profile, do so only after making a profile on another dating site.
Welcome! I think online dating is a skill, it can be terrifying and tough at first but eventually it will get easier and sometimes it’s even fun!
Hey buddy, it’s ok if you do delete your profile. Or rather, disable it–you can always come back when you’re feeling more up to it. Dating always takes some courage, but it is also supposed to be fun. If you’re feeling more nervous terror than nervous excitement, you can always come back another day!
Signed,
did exactly that once, but got back online after a few months and started dating for real
Well I mean yes but at the same time I’m a few months out from being thirty and have been wanting to hide in a closet at the thought of dating for a decade now so I don’t see it changing if I don’t at least make an effort to do so.
Hello, are you me? I also am coming up on 30 and keep dragging my feet on dating, yet don’t actually want to be single forever, and flail around a lot about what to do about it.
Awww I know exactly how scary it can be! Online dating is kind of a skill though, and learning how to fill out the bubbles and the questions to attract cool people sometimes takes a bit of trial and error. I’ve been using OKC on and off for 6 years, and I’ve had some monumentally terrible dates and some great ones, and I even met my (now ex-)wife on there. If you try to think of it as a fun activity to meet new people and less like dating, it’s way easier.
So I work in an older building which has not been updated as much as the employees inside might like. Yesterday the radiators were going full blast. It sounded like a Stomp rehearsal. I took video and the facilities workers who came over to try and fix it were enchanted. One demanded that I send it to him immediately. Listen to the madness here!
This is excellent. I want to send the link to all the composition students I know and say “Listen to this amazing rhythm line!” (And then have it mashed up into a dynamite music biography of a historical figure and…ok, wishful thinking.)
Please do! But only if you then come back and post what they’ve done with it.
this
is
AMAZING
I certainly was something else…
I was just glad I’m pretty good at tuning out repetitive non-voice sounds.
I have realized this week that I have somehow become the designated emotional labourer at work as for some reason several of my middle-age-and-older male coworkers chose this week to have hissy fits over incredibly inconsequential things that hurt their poor egos and my boss ordered me to calm them down. How did I get in this mess?
And now I’m stuck at the airport delayed while we wait for the snow to stop. What ways do you entertain yourself in airports, Toasties?
Yikes. I hope your boss is giving you a pay raise to do your job and also be the on-call work counselor.
In airports, I entertain myself by making up stories about all the people in the airport and their secret identities.
I do this too and keep poking my traveling companion and go “oh man I think this couple is on their first trip together!!!! That couple is fighting!!! That lady keeps reading her texts and laughing,do you think she is going to meet someone funny at her destination???”
Yours are much more benign than mine! Mine are always, “those two are definitely having a torrid love affair and it’s going to ruin both of their marriages!” or, “that lady is clearly an undercover FBI agent and she’s spying on that teen because the teen is an undercover Canadian spy,” etc.
Crossword puzzles.
Good question for your supervisor: “Several of my male coworkers chose this week to have emotional reactions to minor, unimportant things that bruised their egos and you’re asking me to calm them down. How did I get chosen for that kind of labor?”
I know. Often it’s better not to question. I trust your judgment.
Well, technically I’m the project manager for the project their flip outs are nominally related to so I suppose I make a much sense as anyone. Unfortunately, we’re technically all the same level in the hierarchy (they manage other projects I work on) so I can’t autocratically tell them to shut up and deal like I’d like to without making trouble for myself down the road.
I fully support not making trouble for yourself.
Oh, that is the worst, getting asked to wrangle people you don’t have any authority over. And being asked to “calm down” a bunch of middle aged men? BIG side-eye to your boss for that. I’d recommend buying a bunch of pacifiers and leaving them on their desks, but you probably don’t want to take that kind of risk with your job.
I am sorry to hear about the emotional labor. I don’t know that I can help with that.
I can help with airport boredom, though, because as long as you have internet, Longreads is compiling its best of 2015! I always open up all the crime pieces in tabs and then read them offline on the plane.
I’m my boss’s counsellor. I’m not sure how this happened either. There’s an ongoing harassment issue and on our way to a meeting about it, a coworker asked me how I was. And I said, “I feel like I’m having a heart attack, but I know it’s just anxiety.” And he said he was surprised to hear that as he thought I was the “one keeping it together best.” Argh.
Eavesdropping, drinking, and buying trashy magazines I would never otherwise read.
STAR WARS SPOILERS THOUGH
GO TO IT, PEOPLE
Finn. FINN. I knew I’d be having all the feelings about you as soon as you popped up in the trailer, but still. FINNNNNNN.
Luke. Luke, hun. Luke Running Away From This Problem Will Probably Solve It Skywalker. What, what, what are you doing? You are better than being a mcguffin.
Reyyyyy. Gurl. Gurl. Where’d you get all this power from? Seriously. That shit was insane.
Kylo. No.
han
Oh, Leia. What do you have left now? They’re all gone. Let me hug you and your perfect hair from a distance.
Twins run in the family, yo.
No, she’s gotta be Luke’s daughter, not Leia’s. Leia would never abandon her child.
I REALLY HOPE SHE ISN’T RELATED TO ANY OF THEM. WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THAT TO THEIR CHILD? ALSO SHE WAS LIKE FIVE, I CAN REMEMBER MY FAMILY FROM WHEN I WAS FIVE SURELY IF SHE WAS A SKYWALKER SHE WOULD REMEMBER THAT. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS FOR REY NOT TO BE LUKE’S LONG LOST DAUGHTER PLEASE
thank you for your consideration
For the record, I am right there with you.
Seriously though, how would that be for a plot twist? Everyone’s so worked up over whose kid she is and in the end it’s ‘surprise! your parents were just some random deadbeats who abandoned their kid on like the galaxy’s version of Afghanistan and you are awesome solely because of your own merit, not because of destiny or genes or some shit.’
And it seems to be implied that she knows whose kid she is and why she’s there. Like when she says to BB-8 that her being there is a secret and that she’s classified. This doesn’t seem to be a rehash of Luke’s ‘but they told me my father was a navigator on a spice freighter’ situation. She’s aware of something that they aren’t telling us yet.
One of my friends posited the theory that maybe she had undergone some Jedi training when she was much younger, but then they Force-wiped her mind (potentially when Kylo rebelled.) I like it because it would explain the plothole about why she was so powerful so quickly – it was always there, she just couldn’t “access” it until now.
ETA: I also think she might be Luke’s daughter because R2D2 woke up when she finally showed up. C3PO had said that R2 wouldn’t be able to wake because they couldn’t find Luke, so maybe a direct descendant was close enough?
I interpreted the R2D2 thing as him downloading/compiling/whatever that massive map of the galaxy. Like, he knew what the resistance needed and went about stealing it from the First Order in his own way, but it took years and years because slow bandwidth? This theory is falling apart as I attempt to explain it. But I thought finishing that map (minus the bit from BB8) was what allowed him to wake up.
Ohhhh that is an interesting idea. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t have it “downloaded” (or whatever – not sure about the specifics of how data is transferred in the Star Wars universe), but that he didn’t want to reveal the information that he had until he knew that they could complete the map. Because what R2 had would give them a general idea, but if that information got to the First Order they would probably just destroy everything in that area. With BB-8, R2 knew that they could find Luke before the First Order.
OKAY so my full theory is this:
Ben is the first Leia/Han child. He goes for Jedi training relatively young, as is traditional, but early on it becomes super clear that things are Not Going Well. In the interim, his little sister arrives. By this point, Ben is actually becoming a danger to himself and others, Han and Leia split, and Leia hides her daughter away, with a new name, on Jakoo. Leia tells her daughter that she’ll be back soon to get her.
15-18 years elapse, Ben is now Kylo Ren, events of movie occur. Han didn’t know where their daughter ended up because of split with Leia, but poof, there she is, intuitively Being The Millennium Falcon’s New Person and also Being Chewy’s New Person. He doesn’t recognize her per se, but knows there’s a connection between them.
Han’s Force-sensitive. Remember how he shot that Stormtrooper over his shoulder without looking? He might not have been aware of it, but he is. That’s why Rey and Ben are so, so powerful, and why Rey was able to tap into the Force so quickly. She may become the most powerful of the Jedi.
Remember after Han’s death, how tightly Leia held Rey?
It’s still a secret. Rey can’t know yet.
The thing that I can’t figure out, though, is if that’s the case, why would it be a secret? I can’t think of a single good in-universe explanation, and hope it doesn’t boil down to Plot Device. (I came out of the movie convinced she was Luke’s daughter; the boyfriend is convinced she’s Han/Leia’s daughter and partially won me over)
I’m pretty sure it’ll end up being something like that. And honestly I’d be pretty happy with anything other than Luke being her dad. (I don’t know why but he is damn near unshippable for me. Even when I was a youngling and super into the eu it sorta felt off to me.) But my pipe dream is that Rey’s not related to anyone, she’s just awesome cause she’s awesome.
A girl can dream, right?
Yeah, I don’t want her to be Luke’s kid.
It occurs to me that in this theory, the question of why Ben didn’t immediately know Rey’s his sister might be because he never knew he had one. Luke and Leia’s twins-thing would maybe be more powerful than a just-regular-siblings thing.
I AGREE IN THEORY but mainly b/c I want there to be more Jedis in the universe. Jedis used to be of all different alien species, so it’s not like it’s rigidly hereditary!
BUT if she is, I assumed Luke left her with a different family, which are the ones that left. As to WHY he would have left her initially… I don’t know, to hide her or something? Them Skywalkers be hidin babies EVERYWHERE!
Haha! I love the idea that there is a biological imperative in the Skywalker genetics that just compels them to hide their babies with people even when there is no pressing need to do so.
There’s an entire department of the central child protective services office in Coruscant solely devoted to ascertaining whether or not today’s mysteriously discarded child belongs to a Skywalker or not. As soon as one of them pops out a kid they’re just like ‘quick, someone take it far away’ ‘why?’ ‘no one knows.’
Well the ones who weren’t abandoned (Anakin and Ben) went to the dark side while the ones who were (Luke and Leia) stayed good. So maybe it’s their parent’s love that ultimately turns them? And Luke figured that out?
Yeah, I was thinking maybe Luke’s daughter too. But maybe not? If she is his daughter, did he know she existed? So many mysteries!!
If she is, she’s gotta be surprise!daughter
Rey being Leia and Han’s daughter is totally possible. Buuuuut my money is on her being Luke’s daughter, especially since whenever she starts using the Force or interacting with the lightsaber the soundtrack starts playing Luke’s Jedi theme from the original trilogy, not Leia’s. Considering how much John Williams liked to use leitmotifs to underscore the drama in the OT, I’d say that’s a pretty substantial argument that she’s Luke’s daughter.
and maybe surprise! her birth name is Jaina???
This is only because I got a heart punch when we found out Kylo’s birth name is Ben
But surely Leia would have known if her twin had sprogged?
I loved Finn with every fiber of my being. Everything he did was precious to me. “Why do you want to go back to Jakku? Do you have a boyfriend there? A cute boyfriend?” I spent the entire film wanting to hug him.
I definitely want to see it again and a large part of that is solely for Finn.
SO weird how everybody died at the end though.
😛
I CAN SPOIL? YAAAASSSS
I’m soooooo glad Darth Luke didn’t happen! I had never even thought about that one before and felt kind of stupid when people started acting like it was completely clear that he’d gone to the Dark Side. I was really embarrassed, and then, after watching, relieved. I would not have liked Darth Luke.
YES! Spoilers!
I was NOT expecting it to be Rey. I watched like TWO trailers that had Finn with the lightsaber, and I read NOTHING about it before hand, so I am just beyond thrilled. Rey is everything I ever wanted as a 10 year old girl. I mean it would have been awesome if it was Finn but REY <333
And oh my god they are ADORABLE. I loved all of the humor, too. No more “wacky droid hijinks” and aliens farting. Finn’s humor was actually well placed. He is so FREAKING CUTE. Pls hold her hand more. DON’T LET IT GO.
Also – I didn’t leave with the same belief that all my friends had… That Rey is Luke’s daughter. I mean, that makes a ton of sense and there are a lot of clues suggesting that, but all I could think of were the EU books and how Han and Leia had twins. They’re both pretty hokey and overused plot twists, but Rey being a Skywalker makes more sense than Han and Leia forgetting about their second baby when this mysterious force-sensitive girl shows up.
ALSO ALSO I LOVED Kylo Ren’s character. I don’t know why but I love that we have a villain who’s actually a petulant little entitled shithead with anger problems, rather than some dude in a hood who’s evil just to be evil. He seems so much realer than like, Palpatine. We can actually delve into his character!
PROBLEMATIC COUSINS. Every scene with Kylo Ren & Rey was amazing. AMAZING.
I posed my theory about her above, but one thing I did notice is that Han and Leia were very specific when talking about “our son.” Like their pattern of speech seemed awkward to me because of how they only referred to their son. They never said “our kid” or “our child” – potentially because that would have caused some confusion later on.
Yeah, I thought the way they kept saying that was very strange! Because at first you’re like OH WOW, THEIR SON!! but the novelty wears off. But they kept saying it! Our son this, our son that.
But! I’m not sold on them being siblings anymore. I think Kylo would have realized the connection during all that brain scanning. I mean, it took Leia two seconds to realize she was Luke’s twin when he suggested it, and he wasn’t weeding about in her deepest memories. I’m leaning toward her being Luke’s (maybe some forgotten romance or something? The woman never told Luke she was pregnant? If the timing works – I have no idea about ages – maybe she was conceived right around when Ben started to go wrong, and Luke couldn’t handle the thought of his own child going down the same path?) but I don’t think Ben is all there is to the Organa-Solo family.
Yeah, I think the Organa-Solo family is a bit more complex. I noticed two things about when Kylo was brain scanning (okay, three – but the weird rape connotations were I think just there to imply that Jedis don’t engage in that bullshit.) First of all, Kylo says “I feel it too” when he was first talking to her, but they never explain what “it” was. Maybe he knew that she had the same understanding about being siblings and didn’t feel the need to say it outright because they were in each other’s minds. Or she could have been powerful enough that he didn’t get far enough into her mind to realize their connection OR Leia didn’t have the same Force powers, and Luke could have put that idea into her mind. Secondly, I know that in the extended universe Han and Leia have twins, and JJ (from what I’ve heard from actual EU people) seems to be respecting it a fair amount. I think he set up Rey for people to wonder whether it was Han or Luke that was her father going into Episode VIII. Also, what was up what that super long Rey/Leia hug at the end? They hadn’t met until that point.
YEEEESSSS THE LEIA AND REY HUG.
*stroking beard thoughtfully* hmmmm you make some valid points! I mean, it hadn’t even occurred to me that she could be Luke’s daughter until everyone else starting saying it. My first thought was that they were Jacen & Jaina style twins and I had a hard time shaking it! If JJ is following EU stuff then the Jacen/Jaina parallels are all there: Jacen goes dark side, Jaina is a jedi knight who’s also an amazing pilot. But they left a lot of clues to point that in Luke’s direction, too: the x wing helmet, the weird little x wing doll in her cabin, her being a poor force-sensitive semi-orphan on a desert planet, her understanding a navigational droid like it ain’t no thing.
About Kylo “feeling it too”…. He also said something like “Han Solo is like a father figure to you? He’ll disappoint you, too.” If he really did know their relationship, he probably wouldn’t have worded it like that.
I hadn’t even thought about the hug! But it’s safe to say Leia knew about Rey from either Finn or Han, and she had just gotten off the Falcon, so it wouldn’t be a HUGE leap for Leia to figure out who she was. As to how Rey recognized her… I don’t know. She does seem to know a lot about the stories and figures from the original trilogy!
Yeah, the other major thing that makes me think Luke might be her father is that Lor San Tekka (I had to look that up – it sounded way better than “that dude who lived on Jakku with Rey”) had the info on where Luke was. That’s really reminiscent of Ben Kenobi on Tatooine with Luke, and the Star Wars universe seems way too big for something like that to happen because of coincidence. I think Luke left instructions to make sure that she was taken care of, and that if she (or the Resistance) was in imminent danger that it was alright to share that information. I am also now convinced that JJ left enough breadcrumbs in either direction of Luke or Leia to drive us all insane for the next three years.
Rey is the best, hands down. I can’t even imagine what my level of Star Wars obsession would have been if I’d seen Rey as a child, and it makes me SO HAPPY to think of all the little girls who are going to grow up seeing her on screen.
One thing my viewing partner and I noticed, though – did anyone else notice how besides Han, Luke, and Leia, everybody on screen seemed really young? Like even the side characters. It made me feel like I’m getting old.
I love that Storm Troopers have personalities now. Like when Kylo Ren just starts angrily destroying that holding cell thing and the Storm Troopers see debris flying so they stop for a second and then just walk back the other way. I want a gif of that so badly.
I laughed so damn hard at that scene. So damn hard.
I feel justified for feeling overly conflicted about stormtroopers as a child now.
I LOVED that. LOVED it.
Kylo Ren is such an interesting character. Like, that was such an incredible loss of control! But it was clearly something that his Friendly Local Stormtroopers ha seen before and knew to walk away from!
WHY ISN’T IT THE NEXT MOVIE NOW
There was another scene prior to that where he went off on one of those tantrums destroying equipment and the people around seemed like they were maybe familiar with it then, too, but were too scared to do anything but stand back.
Ren’s relationship with the First Order people is an interesting twist on the dynamic between Vader and the Death Star command – neither seems to have an official place in the command structure as such (Moff Tarkin/angry ginger British Nazi guy are actually in charge), they are there representing the Emperor/Supreme Leader. Both rule through fear, but where Darth Vader is all confidence and authority, Kylo Ren’s an angry brat.
I’m very curious about the Knights of Ren that Snoke mentioned. Kylo doesn’t seem like the effective leader type; my guess is they’re other students of Luke who sided with Kylo when it all went down (his group in Rey’s flashback), so just as young and hotheaded as him. I’m seeing the film again tonight, so that’s one thing I’ll be watching out for.
OH MY GOD. HAN. (I have already shared this story BUT I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT)
I walked into the theater spending months emotionally preparing myself for either that or a Chewie death. I was still very emotional when it happened.
But the most heart punching part was watching the family in front of me during the scene – Mom as Rey, Dad as Poe, and their small son was BB-8 before they deflated his costume so he could sit in his seat. After it happened, mom and dad put their arms around their son and gave him tight, comforting hugs because he was so upset.
As one Toastie eloquently put her feelings earlier,
I had a group of grizzled old workmen sitting in front of me and they were about two seconds away from doing that with each other during that scene. Old bros understand each others pain.
This feels weird/bad to say, but honestly I was not so very upset about Han? I mean, it is pretty much a go-to for an older mentor-type to die in the first part of these trilogies. Though it hadn’t occurred to me that it would happen before the movie started, as soon as I realized Han and Chewie had walked into a room that seemed to be entirely composed of bridges with no railings, I just sort of peacefully accepted that “oh, this is happening. I see now.” Though I still shook my head vigorously when he started walking towards Kylo. (Ben, omg!!! I did die a little over that.)
My boyfriend, however, was and still is deeply upset and so I have tried to comfort him to the best of my abilities.
I saw it from a mile away. Hence my watching it through my fingers. Same as I watched Darth Vader and Obi Wan on the Death Star.
THE CYCLE IS COMPLETE.
As soon as he stepped onto the STUPID CATWALK
star wars where are your safety inspectors this is not osha-compliant come on
RIGHT?! They stepped out on that and I was like SHITSHITNO, DON’T YOU DO THE THING, AUUUUUGH THE THING.
It’s like they haven’t seen all the other SF movies where people fall off space catwalks. I was all excited when there were actual railings keeping you from walking off the side of each floor into the central abyss, and then, nope, they put in some catwalks just so someone could get dropped over the side, because it’s important for that to be possible in a spaceship.
Silly space people.
This was my reaction, too. And there was so much time between me realizing Han was going to die and him actually dying (and half of that was ridiculous close-ups of faces) that I was just thinking “get on with it!” by the time it actually happened and the whole moment was sort of ruined for me. I expect to be more affected on re-watches
I kept hoping that MAYBE JUST MAYBE he wouldn’t die 🙁
but then
🙁
creys
I AM SO HAPPY. I have been going around today in a daze of joy.
I have spent my entire life reading/watching stories of the Young Man from Nowhere with Mysterious Parentage Going on a Journey, and deconstructing and analyzing the hero’s journey, and finally, finally, FINALLY I get to see a young woman taking the hero’s journey!! When Rey gets the lightsaber from Ren and they have the Hero Shot frame of her the theater applauded just like they had for Han and the Millennium Falcon and the Star Wars logo!! I keep tearing up just thinking about it.
And there were women in every single group! Women death ray operators, women faceless stormtroopers (beyond Christie), women X-wing pilots, women resistance strategizers.
And the tone was right! The witty banter and genuine emotional moments and sense of wonder! This is everything I want in a sci-fi/fantasy movie.
All I’ve been saying since last night is that JJ Abrams Gets It. Like, he groks Star Wars better than Lucas did by the end of his reign of terror.
It was SO GOOD. My friend and I turned to each other at the end of it and we just had these big grins on our faces. Women characters! Banter! Spaceship battles! Luke’s face at the end! I said “that was so good” and my friend said “I want to see it again right now” and I said “SO MANY TIMES.” But then we got out of the theater and we were like “wait, we can’t talk about this with ANYONE” and we kind of looked at each other in horror.
Oh yeah!
Someone posted on here earlier this week (time????) about a drink called A Christmas Tree which was gin, cranberry juice, cranberries, and a sprig of rosemary? Thank you and it was delicious.
Minor variations: A Christmas Tree with Lights: the above + seltzer water OR A Christmas Tree with Tinsel: the above +champagne.
I second the thanks on this recommendation! I made it for a Cookies and Cocktails party last weekend as The Signature Cocktail and it got rave reviews. (And I think your Christmas Tree with Tinsel idea sounds fabulous–I have leftovers so that might be on the menu for New Year’s.)
I’ve seen a recipe for that drink but instead of cranberry juice, apple cider and cran-rosemary syrup (it was a foodie magazine) PLUS sparkling white wine beverage of your choice. Thanks for reporting on your taste testing! I thought it sounded delicious but I’m not much of a cocktail/punch maker.
oooh that was me! glad you loved it! tiny tree in a glass!!
I have a variation. Serve any of these with green sour patch kids in the bottom and call it the Bog Body. That’s trademarked btw, I invented it I demand all credit. I usually put the cranberries in the ice though.
Ewwwww don’t they come out with the texture of a dead fish? That is so gross. Good gross name.
(And if you put them in Smirnoff Ices then they explode everywhere)
One, I like dead fish for eating, it’s preferable to live.
Two I’d say they end up with the texture of a wet sour patch kid. Unless you are really nursing your drink it’s going to be pretty much the same as eating it dry except the sugar comes off and they get cold from the ice so they’re a bit harder.
That sounds delicious! Note to self, buy cranberry juice and rosemary.
yay, gin drinkers unite!
i love these ideas. the with tinsel version is like a holiday french 75, which is my favorite champagne cocktail, because: gin!
Ooh, that sounds delicious! Especially with the champagne.
My favorite Manhattan cocktail place makes an amazing Douglas fir gimlet that tastes like Christmas. Someday I’ll get around to trying the recipe at home.
Toasties, I’ve started wondering over the last month or so if I’m autistic, and there’s a loud internal voice telling me that I’m probably not and don’t have any good reason to think so, but then I also really think I might be. I haven’t talked to anyone about it and I don’t know if I know anyone who would be able to give me much insight. How does one get any perspective on this or even a diagnosis? Particularly since I have a nagging bullshit fear that anyone I talk to who knows me or is a mental health professional is going to be like “Pfft, you’re clearly not autistic and it’s wrong of you to have convinced yourself that you are/this is a waste of resources” obviously not because I actually think people would say that but because part of me is telling myself that. This has been stressing me out a whole lot.
While I have no mental health certifications or trainings, as a person, I think if you have a concern that is consistently bothering you, you should speak to a professional about it. You’re not wasting resources, you’re checking out a persistent worry. Sounds like this stress definitely won’t go away until you find out an answer one way or the other.
Hey there. I’ve been in the same boat. The thing I think is useful to think about is what you would like to get out of a diagnosis. If you feel like you would benefit from accommodations at work or school, or if you need a diagnosis for therapy/health care/etc, it may be worth pursuing.
However, getting a diagnosis won’t make anything about you any more or less true, and it can be more complicated to find a health care practitioner qualified to diagnose you than you might think. I’ve found that reading the experiences of people with autism has really helped me understand the way that I think and respond to people, and for me that’s really valuable outside a medical context. Mel Baggs has written beautifully about disability/autism on their blog as well as their tumblr, and I’d definitely encourage you to seek out their writing.
It’s not a waste of resources if you go to the doctor because you think you have, say, strep throat, and it turns out you just have a regular cold, if it was impacting your life and a doctor’s visit helps you get the appropriate treatment anyways.
obviously you would have to put your trust in some unknown medical professional to not dismiss your concerns and actually do what is best for you, but if you do see someone, and they DO say “hmm no you’ve just convinced yourself you are this way”, do you think it would be helpful to seek treatment anyways for whatever stresses are causing you to worry about this?
That’s a good thought, thank you. Also, yes, definitely the underlying things that are making me so stressed about this are probably also worth getting some kind of help for, I’m really glad you pointed that out. (To be clear in case I wasn’t, I’m not worried about the possibility of being on the spectrum–I’m more worried about the possibility that I’m completely fooling myself, because some things really seemed to click when it first occurred to me that I might be autistic, and for some reason it makes me feel better about myself to think that I am.)
(that is the impression I got! I just couldn’t think of a way to frame it that wasn’t unnecessarily complicated – where I was leading with the question was, if the outcome of your [probably unlikely] feared scenario of “no, you’re not actually autistic at all, how could you” is that your symptoms are treated ANYWAYS, maybe that’s not so bad a diagnosis, though of course not what you’re hoping to hear.)
& also, you know yourself best, and if having a self-diagnosis of “this makes bone-deep sense, so I think so, and by approaching it this way I can find resources for what I’m struggling with” is that much of a relief, then I would think it likely a good professional would be able to work with you from there.
(I felt like that was the impression you got! Sounds like we’ve been merrily on the same page.) You’ve been giving me a great perspective here, thanks a lot.
Also lol at least two different times in the last hour I’ve started rocking myself and kept going until I felt calmer because of the stress related to making this post, so…
I am so sorry for your stress about this. I remember when there were people in our system struggling to accept multiplicity and it was a very similar sort of thing, like it would be wrong to think so/know it was true/accept it.
Autism is a spectrum just like a lot of other things, which as I understand it means it is not a binary sort of thing where You Are Or You Aren’t. I do not know a lot about it but I would guess that there are diagnostic tools to find out where you fall on that spectrum.
Underneath that, though, do you know why it is that you feel like it would be wrong of you to have a descriptive name for what it is that’s going on with you?
In answer to your question: Well, I have no objection to multiple descriptive names for parts of what’s going on with me, like “hypersensitivity to sound” or “chronic social bewilderment” because those things are just clearly true. Describing myself as “autistic” in particular is more fraught because, while autism isn’t just binary (which I’m glad you reminded me of), it does have a particular meaning and an objective diagnosable reality such that it is possible for a person to be definitely not on the spectrum, and such a person should probably not just decide that “autistic” is a word they want to use of themselves.
I don’t really think that that applies to me because I don’t think I’m definitely not on the spectrum, and because I’m genuinely trying to figure myself out and finding that parts of what I’m finding out about autism resonate with me. But the same voice that’s telling me that I don’t have adequate reason to think I’m autistic is also telling me that it’s therefore kind of appropriative for me to be wondering whether I am. It’s a shitty thought, but I can’t turn the voice off.
Just wanted to say I know how you feel – I have a number of traits that seem to suggest autism spectrum (visceral dislike of certain textures/sounds, misophonia, repetitive movements like rocking when distressed, obsessive tendencies when it comes to interests, a long history of difficulty with social interaction) but it feels appropriative to adopt that label. (It’s not stuff that has enough of an impact on my life that I would want to seek a diagnosis, but it is something I wonder about.)
And it’s weird how it feels that way, because I really think it’s not at all appropriative! As long as you have a decent understanding of what autism actually is and you’re honest about seeing yourself in that label I think it’s exactly right to figure that you’re probably autistic and to say so. But yeah…the feeling is there even so.
Hey there! This is an excellent question and I think I may be able to help. I’m a grad student in Communication Sciences and Disorders, and my field does a lot of research/therapy/diagnosis for autism spectrum disorders, both child and adult. If you are in a city, my suggestion would be to look into the university closest to you, and see if they have a Communication Sciences and Disorders program (sometimes also called Communication Disorders, or Speech-Language Pathology). The university may even have a research center or clinic specifically focused on autism. If they do, then contact that center or clinic. If not, then contact the speech-language pathology clinic, or someone in the department (either someone whose research interests include autism, or just the program director or someone similar).
Many university-associated clinics can do some evaluations, for low-cost or for free, because they are teaching clinics where Masters students are getting clinical hours. And even if they can’t do the evaluation, they will absolutely know who in the area you can go to for an evaluation.
If you do not live relatively close to a university, please let me know, either by replying to this post or emailing me – my email address is just my username at gmail dot com. I can direct you to some more general online resources. You can also email me if you have any other questions!
Speech-language pathologists are in general a very caring, dedicated group of people. They will do their very best to see that you get the resources and help that you need! It can be an intimidating thing to pursue an evaluation as an adult, but getting answers can be such an empowering thing. Everyone is different, so do what is best for you, but know that there are people who are specifically trained to help people in your situation, and who care deeply about meeting needs like yours.
Thanks so much! I’ve been looking at a list of universities with such programs and there will probably be a time not too long from now when I’ll be able to look into something like that. At the moment I don’t think it would be too easy for me to get to any of the places I saw. In the meantime I’d love to hear about the other resources you mention.
It’s really reassuring to hear all the advice and thoughts and kind words from you and everyone else who responded (including the ones I didn’t reply back to!) and…thank you, again, a lot.
Are you in Florida by chance? (That’s where I’m located). If so, your best resource is the center for autism and related disabilities. There are 7 in the state of Florida. http://www.fsuautism.com/
Autism Speaks is also a good resource, and may be able to point you to a local resource. Here is their page of resources for adults with autism, but I think they also have some info on diagnosis: https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/reso…
You could also consider contacting a vocational rehabilitation program. They may be able to direct you to a psychologist that diagnoses autism.
Uh. I’m sure that Autism Speaks does have some good resources, but they are seriously SERIOUSLY problematic. Avoid, if at all possible!
Indeed.
I don’t happen to be in Florida, alas. On the other hand, for a couple of reasons I’ve suddenly become much more sure than I had been, so I think I’m going to be OK. 🙂
Your post reminded me of Susan Boyle and how she was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at the age of 52. I can only imagine how it must feel to find out you’re not just some weirdo or brain damaged (as she had been told all her life).
http://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/dec/08/susa…
Several years ago I thought the same, and when I brought it up with my therapist she said she didn’t think so, but ended up diagnosing me as ADHD instead. Even if it’s not what you initially thought, seeking treatment or diagnosis for something like that can be helpful. I’m really glad I got conncected with appropriate resources instead of just wondering or suffering alone. A good health professional won’t shame you for being wrong, they’ll be glad that you came to them with the issue
What are your favorite cookie recipes? Annnnd GO (so ready to be done with work, thank you academic calendar, so ready to begin the holiday eating)
These are the BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. They’re kind of labor intensive, but definitely worth it. http://www.food.com/recipe/perfect-chocolate-chip…
Okay but also, how about the recipe on the Nestle chocolate chip bag, with a tsp of nutmeg and a tsp of cinnamon and holiday sprinkles mixed in. Not SO labor intensive…. very festive.
Those also sound very fun!
I love every chocolate cookie that has ever existed end (though definitely on team soft and chewy) so both of these sound excellent!
Gingersnaps! (Or molasses cookies, if I use Mr. Thuja’s family recipe)
Ooo I’ve never made either of those before. But very seasonally appropriate.
Ginger molasses cookies are my favourite cookie of all time, but I like Dorie Greenspan’s recipe best: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/member/views/su…
Theeeeeeeese: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/ging…
Those sound amazing!
http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2014/06/coconut-br…
I made these earlier in the month for cookie boxes, and now I have to make more because I ate all the extras already.
How are her recipes always so good??
I think she tests them pretty thoroughly before she posts.
So, I have a cookie curse. I’m great at pretty much any baked thing, but my attempts at cookies always seem to turn out terribly.
Except for these guys:
http://www.cookingclassy.com/2014/12/frosted-pepp…
I made these over the weekend and they were BANANAS good. If you like peppermint and chocolate, drop everything and go heat up your oven.
Bonbons! There are many possible variations, but I only like them with a maraschino cherry in the center, and only colored pink. My grandmother has patiently made these every Christmas for like 25 years, even though hardly anyone else likes them, because I love them so much.
YESSS! I also make these, in honor of my grandmother. I have never seen them outside my own family (and we all love them), so you are now spiritual kin with this internet stranger.
I’ve never seen them anywhere else, either! The site I linked sources the recipe to a Betty Crocker Cookie Book from the ’80s, which does sound right because I remember my grandmother letting me pick out a recipe from ~*The Cookie Book*~, a WHOLE MAGICAL BOOK of JUST COOKIES, to try when I stayed with her as a wee Elsajeni — I wonder if your grandmother has or had the same book!
Hers was written on a notecard in her recipe box, so who knows where she picked it up. I always received the impression that it was older than the 80s. I will have to ask my dad when he comes for Christmas.
Oh the Cookie Book. I don’t we ever actually made more than two or three cookies from it but damn did I drool over that thing as a child.
these are so, so amazing: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2011/12/nutmeg-map…
Pignoli cookies! An Italian bakery staple, surprisingly easy to make at home if you’ve got a food processor.
As of today, these: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/12/the-browni… , except with half the flour swapped for ground hazelnuts. Henceforth whenever someone says, “Come to the dark side, we have cookies!”, I will assume that these are the cookies they’re talking about.
These Italian sprinkle cookies are my most requested recipe every Christmas.
http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/italian-sprink…
They are melt in your mouth amazing!
I have really weird tastes in cookies; I tend to like more “grownup” flavors and less sweetness, so nobody ever likes my cookies. My favorites are the Cooks Illustrated lebkuchen, which have nuts, cinnamon, cardamom, orange zest, and lemon zest. They are rich and complex and so good but nobody likes them but me.
I am also a fan of these Dorie Greenspan World Peace Cookies.
Dorie Greenspan’s cookie recipes are some of my favourites – I have accepted both her peanut butter cookies and her sugar cookies as the ideal version of both cookies, and I mentioned unthread that her ginger molasses ones are my all-time favourite.
I am definitely going to try those ginger-molasses ones. She is great.
So: I had a really rough year. The biggest thing that helped me cope & just get out of bed the next day was re-reading all of Jane Austen, from Sense and Sensibility all the way through Lady Susan and Sanditon. It started with a bad week, and I sought refuge (I usually re-read 1 of the 6 every year), but then Austen became the only thing I wanted to read outside of very very very stressful work bullshit.
On Wednesday, I took off from work to celebrate Jane’s 240th birthday, which seemed like a fitting way to cap off the year & honor the woman who got me through. I made a 5 course meal for just me & my partner: homemade pate, watercress vichyssoise, roasted squab, stinky cheese, and Christmas pudding. It was a mighty fine celebration! I feel like authors–or at least national heroes of the arts and letters–should have national holidays, too.
I feel like this is a typical toastie post, but what are your comfort books, when everything else seems wrong? What’s your escape?
Little Women is definitely one of my comfort books. My family read it a lot as a child, and rereading it always takes me back to times when I felt safe and warm.
I am sorry you’ve had a rough year. Self-care through Jane Austen sounds like the best. You might like this (if you haven’t read it before): http://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/dec/05/jane…
My comfort books are probably the Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and the Kushiel’s Legacy trilogies (Kushiel’s Dart, by Jacqueline Carey). Sometimes it’s nice to sink into other peoples problems so you can forget the real world and your own.
It’s totally un-Toast-y, but when I was sick or down I always used to reread The Dharma Bums or Catcher in the Rye! Lately I’ve been obsessed with Ernie Bushmiller’s Nancy comics, which are often brilliant and surreal in their clear simplicity, but also just as often racist or otherwise problematic. So I guess I’m looking for new literary comfort food.
Discworld, chick-lit comedy like Sophie Kinsella or Jennifer Weiner’s funnier books, childhood classics like From The Mixed-up Files… or Harriet the Spy.
For me Discworld specifically Small Gods or Hogfather. But also the Neil Gaiman/ Terry Pratchett co-authored Good Omens.
Small Gods and Good Omens are two of my comfort books too! (Also Guards! Guards! and Thief of Time, though all Discworld can serve as comfort books, depending). I haven’t done a comfort read of anything NOT Discworld in a long time, but The Bartimaeus Trilogy, the Trickster books by Tamora Pierce, and Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay have all been comfort books. Plus Harry Potter.
This Austen menu sounds AMAZE!
Comfort books:
Austen, of course, and most especially Persuasion. And also Bronte novels by Charlotte or Anne, but not Emily (too many dirtbags for comfort).
Assorted Gaskell, but especially Cranford (I want to live in that Victorian Golden Girls village, yes please!).
Tom Jones.
In certain moods, Keats poetry, and in very specific moods, Charlotte Smith’s Beachy Head.
So, I guess I’m saying I review my old field exam list for fun and comfort.
Actually, with no Austen left, I put a copy of Lolly Willowes in my bag (which I have never read), and Wuthering Heights because Emily is my jam, in case the Warner didn’t stick. I’m super loving Lolly Willowes though! I highly recommend, since our tastes seem pretty well aligned.
Did you know Lolly Willowes was the very first selection of the Book of the Month Club when it was founded in 1926? 🙂 We haven’t read it yet but it has been on our list for a long time because Sylvia Townsend Warner is awesome.
(For obscure reasons we are reading a bunch of history of the BOMC — I am really not sure how it happened but we only have one book left and then whoever is obsessing over it will be done and I will not mind that… but in the meanwhile our Cassandra is making a huge list of all the titles which sound like the sort of thing we might like.)
Do you tend to like the interwar middlebrow female authors?
Adrian Mole. Also Tintin and Asterix when I really just want to Not Adult for a while. They’ve got me through some tough times.
Always Coming Home by Ursula Le Guin. That meal sounds amazing, btw!
Star Wars EU novels and Discworld. What I’m looking for in a comfort book is basically something that I know by heart and where I can feel assured that nothing truly bad is going to happen.
Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad year – hope 2016 is much better for you!
The Harry Potter books are my ultimate comfort read.
Terry Pratchett’s witch books and anything by Ursula Vernon are big ones for me. Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga also is great and came to me during a very bad time. Might be a weird chose but they are the right mix of intelligent and fluffy to be comfort boosk for me.
I am very sorry to hear about your rough year, but the Austen rereading sounds lovely, and the 5 course meal fantastic.
For comfort reading I (Cassandra) tend to read 30s fiction, especially detective fiction — Dorothy Sayers is good, but there is not enough of it, so sometimes I go through Agatha Christie or Josephine Tey or one of the other middlebrow authors who wrote a lot of novels. I would hate to have lived in the actual 1930s, but the fictional 1930s of these authors is a very comforting place for me, since everyone is (of course) upper middle class and comfortably wealthy and aside from the occasional unfortunate murder their concerns are about garden shows and remaking dresses and meeting eligible young people of the appropriate gender. Angela Thirkell’s early novels are also very good for this, they are romances rather than mysteries.
Happy All the Time by Laurie Colwin soothes me such that I keep it by my bed for when I can’t sleep. I picked it up after Nicole recommended it long ago on The Hairpin. I think the descriptions of all the domestic scenes are what make it so relaxing for me to read.
I’m sorry it’s been a rough year!
Re-reading the Harry Potter series has been my go-to comfort since high school. Recently the Rainbow Rowell books have snuck in as comfort re-reads (Attachments and Fangirl in particular.) If I want a good cry, it’s Atonement, for sure.
Georgette Heyer! And also Jane Austen but really only Pride and Prejudice
P&P 4ever!
Lots and lots of Jeanette Winterson helped me find my way around inside my own head this year. Literary self-care/comfort-reading is the actual best.
Nancy Mitford’s The Pursuit of Love, E. Nesbit’s children’s books, any of the Victorians especially Anthony Trollope.
For me it’s Alice Munro. Every challenge in my life, she has helped me through– which is weird because I’ve heard people describe her work as bleak or depressing. But for me, it’s this tone of distance she has– like every story is being narrated from years later, when it no longer hurts, and that reminds me that whatever I’m going through will, eventually, no longer hurt.
My boss and I are trying to submit a huge project by the end of the day today (without revealing everything about where I work let me just say for people that might understand…21 separate grant proposals) and I cannot tell you how excited I am to be done with it. I’ll be poppin’ bottles (internally) as I walk out of this goddamn office today.
TWENTY ONE OH MY GOD GO HAVE A DRINK
I will once I finish EDITING THE FORMAT ALL 21 RESEARCH SUMMARIES!!! AHHHH
TWENTY ONE????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? The thought of ONE logic model gives me nightmares.
I’m not entirely sure whose idea this was but I’m mad at them.
A fellow grant administrator / proposal submitter raises her glass to you
Thank you comrade. I knew somebody would understand.
TWENTY-ONE?!? I hope you have a crate of champage/your celebratory beverage of choice at the ready.
Jesus. Twenty-one.
How is that humanely possible?! Do you and your boss both have time turners?
Is it still mansplaining if the victim is male too? I was just at an interminable meeting (2.5 hours) where my coworker was presenting on a project he’s doing, and our most senior colleague is just a firehose of irritating know-it-all behavior. My favorite is when he’ll disagree with something the presenter said, the presenter will explain why he’s right and mansplainer is wrong, and then mansplainer will say “no, we agree”. The other best part was when he said we shouldn’t try to make a perfect widget because the company’s never made anything perfect and we still make money, so clearly imperfection is necessary to make money. Sure, that’s logical. (I note that these widgets are an engineered device that can’t actually be 100% efficient because of physics, but it’s definitely possible to improve efficiency.)
I say it absolutely is mansplaining and that sounds irritating as hell.
A male victim to mansplaining has the opportunity to tell the asshole he’s making the rest of the gender look bad. Not that you were obligated to do so. Yes, it is absolutely still mansplaining and I’m sorry you had to suffer it.
To clarify, I’m a woman (the only one in the department). I was basically just a bystander, albeit one who does have to deal with this guy myself from time to time.
Very sorry to misgender you. I did question my (often faulty) memory, which had stored your Toastname as female. And even more sorry you have to deal with this mansplainer on the regular.
Is it still mansplaining if the victim is male too?
Yes. THE PATRIARCHY HURTS EVERYONE
It definitely is, but sometimes it’s also a place where some other kind of privilege is operating, too. (Is the presenter marginalized in some other way? Even just substantially younger/less experienced than the mansplainer? I feel like other imbalances can intensify this kind of issue.)
The splainer is the oldest and most senior member of the department by almost 20 years, so that’s definitely a factor.
I will not see Star Wars until tomorrow and I am having a REALLY HARD TIME not clicking on all the Star Wars threads here and elsewhere on the internet. I must REMAIN STRONG but it is so hard.
You can do it. I have faith in you. Use the force.
You will be so much happier if you don’t. You can do it!
And seriously: don’t even google anything about the movie. Don’t even type a character name into google. Auto-fills and top search results are all full of spoilers.
SAME
I just emailed the BF saying basically this, and we need to go asap, and I may end up going without him tonight because I JUST CAN’T.
PS: It doesn’t help that my best friend saw it already and he’s having to physically restrain himself from texting me about it but his ANGST and EXCITEMENT come through in all of his “no I musn’t” texts and it’s KILLING ME.
I AM WITH YOU. We can stay strong together!
Don’t do it! The Force is with you! And as others have said, you will enjoy it so much more if you avoid everything you can before you see the film.
I have never regretted receiving spoilers. I’ve never felt a movie would have been better had I known less. But you’re not me. I understand what you want. Just wanted to give you this in case someone spills to you before you get to the theater.
I am seeing the 70MM screening of The Hateful Eight on 12/31 followed by a New Years showing of Star Wars.
I’m far more excited about Hateful Eight.
Any non Star Wars movies (sacrilege, I know!) you’re looking forward to?
Roommates and I are maybe going to see In the Heart of the Sea tonight! It’s gotten awful reviews but we’re all just really feeling nautical horror, I guess. Take to the sea?
Please enjoy this trailer for In the Heart of the Sea recut with the audio of that guy in Boston yelling at a fish.
I’m very pumped for Sisters.
I really want to see Spotlight, but I have a 2 month old baby, so there will be no seeing movies in the theater for the foreseeable future.
i’m excited for hateful eight because i love me some walton goggins.
i just saw carol, which was probably my most anticipated movie of the year, it did not disappoint.
Me too! I thought Django Unchained would have been way better if he’d been in the Leo role (but I also dislike Leo generally, so there’s that).
Sisters. I’m So excited to see Tina and Amy together again.
I’m seeing Carol early next week with a friend I haven’t seen in six(!!!) months. Very much looking forward to it, especially the “catching up with old movie-watching buddy” part 🙂
(he and I always used to try to see as many Oscar-nominated movies as we could together, but then he moved away and we got lazy. we both work in the same city, there’s no excuse!)
Krampus!
The Big Short!
Legend. Because double Tom Hardy.
Toast, I had a weird experience this week. I went on a trip to New Orleans (to watch Abby Wambach retire from US soccer), which I had planned as a present to myself upon losing my amazing job a couple months ago. My dad, shortly after I planned the trip, announced that he would come along. My reaction was mostly “ehhhhhh” but I managed to be polite and consoled myself with the thought that at least he would pay for things.
Literally one day into this trip with my dad and I reverted completely into a grouchy, sullen, monosyllabic, uncooperative teenager who sleeps all day. I am not at all proud of this fact and also totally bewildered by how it happened. I am 30 years old and not that person anymore! I guess it was just the accumulated bitterness from my plans being infringed upon, but like, wtf self. It also, unsurprisingly, made the trip suck.
Now I will see my dad again in like a week for the holidays and I am annoyed at myself for being a jerk and wondering how much he noticed that I was being a jerk. Moral of the story: don’t be a teenager while actually an adult; you will regret it later.
Please don’t blame yourself! I can’t link sources at the moment, but this is totally a recognized psychological phenomenon where, when you reunite with someone you hadn’t seen in a long time (or you enter a situation with someone you haven’t been in in a long time, like going on a trip with a family member), you revert to the person you used to be when you were last in that context/with those people. A good example is how guys attend a high school reunion, go out with old friends, and suddenly become immature bos again.
Yup, this is totally a Thing. It takes a monumental effort for me to avoid behaving like a dirtbag teen when I visit my parents for more than a day or so–the personality switch is immediate and very unsettling.
Indeed. Even when I visit my nice parents (the ones I’ve chosen and don’t include my biological dad), I suffer waaaaaaay too much anxiety about how they’re reacting and whether or not they like whatever I’m suggesting or recommending. It’s exhausting and dumb, because I’m supposed to be an ADULT, etc. I’m glad I just reminded myself what it’s really about. 😛
I guess the weirdest part for me is that my parents and I frequently travel together and I don’t usually behave like this! But something about traveling with just my dad shot me straight back to age 15 somehow. My mom even called me today and was like “You two just went on completely different trips even though you did all the same things. You’re not allowed to vacation together anymore.”
Ugh, your mother had to call and rub in how badly it had gone? That doesn’t sound helpful. 🙁 Particularly when HE’S the one who invited himself along! She should be telling him not to crash your vacation plans.
This morning while waking up, I literally punched myself in the boob, with the hand I wear my rings on. I have no idea how I managed to do it, but my first coherent thought this morning was “you’re such a boob punch”. So I’ve been smiling all day.
Also my grades are in, so my semester is over, and I’m still in my jammies watching Jeeves and Wooster on DVD. Life is good.
7 wks preg + cold turned sinus infection/ear infection/hacking cough + long time asthma = my week
Sick right before Christmas, every year, that’s my thing.
Breakup or loss or grieving of any kind thread!
I lost my job this week – laid off at the end-of-year budget reorg. Not that I was overjoyed there or anything, but it still sucks to be told to take your things and leave. The higherups went out of their way to assure me it was not because of my performance, though it’s hard to shake the “If only I had been better” blues. I went back today to get my plants and books and had some tearful goodbyes with my lovely coworkers.
A good friend just went though a really shitty breakup last week, so we have some quality ranting & distracting ourselves time planned for the weekend, at least!
Today is the 7th anniversary of my best friend dying, and while I thought I was doing better than usual with it this week, I have spent the morning perched precariously on the fine line between Managing To Get By and Complete Fucking Disaster. I’d really like to just go home and huddle under the covers until tomorrow, but I have plans this evening that I can’t blow off (which may be better than wallowing, anyways). Those plans are, unfortunately, also in a shopping mall during the height of Christmas shopping season (CROWDS! NOISE! CHRISTMAS MUSIC! OVERSTIMULATION!), so I’m hoping I can locate a leftover Xanax or two in the meantime.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Be good to yourself and definitely don’t feel bad if you need to peace out of your plans tonight, before or during. Best of luck!
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father’s death (pancreatic cancer, age 68). I still get pissed off by Father’s Day advertisements, want to send him articles on topics of interest to him, and read up on every new anti-snoring device invented. (Seriously, he was once heard snoring from half a mile away while on a camping trip.)
The snoring detail made me laugh 🙂 Your dad sounds like he was a lovely human. Good thoughts to you today!
Well, he was in many ways a rip-snorting–make that rip-snoring–bastard–virtually every one of his many obits contained the line “Bob regarded conversation as a blood sport”–but he was my father and I wouldn’t be who I am without him. And I’m pretty okay with who I am.
I posted here last week about my Dad’s death and was touched by all the kind responses. I have been hanging out with another friend who is grieving and it’s a relief to have someone I don’t need to put on a smile for. I also sent Christmas cards to my extended family and it was a good reminder that even if I don’t have parents I have aunts and cousins who I love.
It is almost the one year anniversary of the Scariest Event of My Life, when my husband had a seizure on the Santa Clause train filled with small children and my entire family.
It is mine and my kid’s first Christmas without him in the house, and I’m struggling, because alcoholism, divorce, protection orders. I’m overwhelmed and I’m sad and I’m trying to act normally for my kid’s sake and it SUCKS.
Nursing Toasties, I would love to chat!
I was laid off from my (non-nursing-related) job this week. Boo, hiss, cry, etc. This has forced my hand into seriously digging into my unhappiness and lack of fulfillment where I am now and for my future opportunities, and I’m considering a career change – perhaps to nursing!
What is it like being a nurse? What are your backgrounds and what made you choose nursing? What are the great things and the drawbacks of the profession (or of your specific job)? I would be so grateful for your words of wisdom. And Toasties who have started nursing later in life or as a second career, I’d especially love to hear from you.
Thank you!
I TOLD A BOY I LIKED HIM AND HE TOLD ME HE DIDN’T LIKE MEAND WE’RE STILL GONNA BE FRIENDS AND I LOVE LIFE SOMETIMES
Tht was so brave and awesome of you, even though it didn’t go exactly as you had hoped. Go you!
Thanks! I’m feeling pretty brave and awesome, and glad the uncertainty is off the table, and we’re going hiking on Sunday. Aw yeah.
Update for concerned parties: we went hiking and plasticked a shit ton of windows and I had a great time and I am so happy that this person is a part of my life.
My birthday was this week and I am seeing very dear friends in from out of town tonight! It’s gonna be awesome. BUT!
Before out-going happens, we need to make an appearance at spouse’s work party. It’s right after work so nobody is going to be very dressed up, and I’m having a hard time balancing “goin OUT” with “spouse’s work thing with a bunch of professors and maybe the dean.” Skinny black pants and boots (ankle? tall?) are a given. I have any number of tops ranging from “wow that’s a lot of cleavage” to “work appropriate,” as well as a thousand blazers, including a sequined one. Halp?
Maybe you could wear a camisole under a “lots of cleavage” option & ditch it in your purse for fun goin-out cleavage time?
Or rip it off once you get in the club and fling it at a bystander?
Happy Birthday!
Maybe a scarf to cover cleavage that can be whipped off later?
Does your spouse have an office you can put the sparkle blazer in, and grab it as you leave – the old blazer switcheroo? Maybe also do the camisole under a goin out shirt?
I think a blazer switcheroo is the best option, since I’m going to be wearing this gorgeous necklace my sisters got me for my birthday, and it’s really long and would probably snag on a scarf. Thanks all!
So about a month ago we lost our much beloved elderly greyhound. On Sunday we are going to meet another, and if all goes well, she will become our new dog. I am having all the feels, from sadness to excitement to anxiety. Anyone have any tales of learning to love again after losing a pet?
I am so sorry for your loss. Your elderly greyhound felt cherished, never doubted your love, believed in you completely. ::toasthugs::
When I met LittleBoyDog six years ago, I was mourning my FirstDog, who had died in my arms not two weeks prior. LittleGirlDog was inconsolable, making herself sick, had never been alone, ever, not even for a minute, and considered FirstDog her soulmate. So we began the hunt for another dog before I was ready, because LittleGirlDog seemed to want to die.
Mr Rose alerted the woman at the rescue that I would be a mess and why we were rushing to get another dog. This woman was very understanding and gave me time alone with the most likely few of her pack. I sat on the floor of her screened porch with dogs climbing over me while I wept. There was no way I could avoid crying. But I can cry and observe dogs interacting at the same time.
Mr Rose and I left and stopped for lunch on the way home. He was sure I could not adopt another dog that day. I think it scared him, how I was unable to stop weeping. But after a meal, I felt a strong pull to go back and get LittleBoyDog. So we did.
We took him home and he let me cry into his fur every few days. LittleBoyDog looked similar to FirstDog, but was very different in personality. That helped. I loved him deeply, but differently. Had to. They were very different dogs. Eventually my tears became less frequent. But I still cry sometimes at the mention of either of their names.
What I’m saying is, be prepared to cry, especially when interviewing new dogs. Just let it happen. You can get shit done at the same time you’re crying. Tears and snot are undignified and messy, but do not hinder you. And dogs are OK with it and so quick to comfort you. Dogs are great. And any dog person will understand. Who among us dog people has not mourned a dog?
You made me cry again, but in a good way. Thank you, it was totally what I needed to hear.
brb, getting “You can get shit done at the same time you’re crying” tattooed on my forearm so I can see it at all times
Yep! I felt pretty damn broken when my yorkie passed (about a year ago), but pretty quickly found a new dog that’s full of joy and energy and is the light of my life (cheesy phrase, I know, but for real that’s how it is). She wasn’t too traumatized by the fact that I spent the first 2-3 months I had her still kind of weepy about the loss of the last one and now we’re at that place where we kind of “get” each other and know what to expect that it takes a while to reach with a pet.
:-/ I’m heartbroken for you.
I’m coming up on the 2 year anniversary of losing my dog. I’m coping by watching the Dog Whisperer and weeping for 10 minutes every morning before work. Which I don’t particularly recommend, but it’s all I have time for at the moment.
We haven’t gotten another dog yet, and it’s really contributing to my mental health issues to not have one around. My partner keeps saying how it’s irresponsible to get one right now, because I am in the middle of a job search that will almost definitely lead to a move. Valid point, but not helpful at all. I think part of the problem is that he’s not ready, and he’s convinced no dog will be as good as the one we lost. Meanwhile, I feel a-lost without a dog, and b-irrationally guilty for not doing more to save dogs that need saving. I honestly haven’t gotten around to thinking about how hard it will be when we do get another dog, because I know it will bring up a lot of grief issues. So forgive me if I mine this thread for my own purposes.
do you think you would foster, or would that just result in you bonding with the dog and keeping it? i think fostering is a great way to help out a dog and have a temporary pet, but i understand it’s not for everyone.
I would like to foster, because I have major guilt about not currently helping dogs, and I’m not in a financial position at the moment to help monetarily. My partner is convinced I will keep any dog that comes into (or near) our home, and that seems like a strong possibility.
I also worry that the emotional response it would trigger in me would be tough to take when combined with a dog that could need emotional or medical rehabilitation. I don’t want to overwhelm myself or do a disservice to the dog in question. I don’t know how many foster pets have major issues, though. Maybe I’m overthinking it.
i think it’s good to think it through, because it is a decent amount of work and can be emotionally intense. depending on the organization, you could simply give a temporary home to a healthy dog between homes, with the org financing medical costs and you covering food & shelter. maybe a more intense org would be rescuing abused animals with medical needs, but it’s definitely not a given. i did it out of necessity, and had to stay focused on the idea that i was helping far more cats get homes than i could ever keep, but the act of care does mean you bond with them, so you have to forgive yourself for being a person with feelings, have them, and deal with what happens when you find a good home. luckily, my adopters are all crazy cat people, so i get a lot of photo texts, which makes me happy.
i just thought i’d give you the basics, because if you don’t automatically want to keep every animal you see, it’s kind of a great way to get all the benefits of a pet, while transferring the lifetime commitment to your new adopter. it could also be a way to open your partner up to possibilities of your next pet.
don’t be surprised if you suddenly feel like you need more time. i took a year off after all my elder cats passed on, and though it was longer than we needed, we had to fix a broken house, so we didn’t want animals around.
in the interim, though, i started looking for cats to adopt, and found the process quite daunting. i had no idea how to connect with ads, or how to connect with cats who were in cages in public and probably pretty scared. so i tried to meet a selection of them and talked to the foster parents a lot to get a sense of them. we settled on a mother & kitten, and brought them home, and though they were sweet, i didn’t yet know how to love them. i liked them a lot and found myself self-coaching, like saying “you are my babies, now” and stuff.
then, a mere 3 weeks later, we found a couple kittens, fostered and got them adopted. then we found the stray litters they came from and took in 10 more kittens and fostered all of them [we adopted 1, who our pet cats loved from the start]. i started to bond with my own cats and really got into pet ownership again. i met a lot of people who had recently-deceased pets, and most of them were very emotional and felt overwhelmed at the idea of forming a new bond, and pressure to make a decision [as if somehow i’d be mad & disappointed if they didn’t adopt on the spot]. i always told them the same thing, go to adoptions every weekend or whenever you can, meet lots of cats, see what you think, and only adopt when you’re ready.
so, i think it’s good you’re meeting a new dog, but maybe consider meeting a lot of new dogs. maybe look up some adoption events and just go and see them all, outside your breed choice and just take it all in. it’s true, some will get snapped up, but so many are all so great, and you may just want to feel totally ready, and like you’re not just jumping straight in. plus, it can make such a difference based on the foster parent and how they’ve been working with the dog. good luck!
I am the world’s slowest book proposal writer but I’ve been working on one for a LOOOONG time and I think it’s close to…done? Maybe? I don’t know what happens now, I am not really going to think about it until after the New Year, but anyway, it’s just nice that it’s out of my hands (for the moment) and with my agent, who’s going to mark it up for me.
I will read your book, whatever it is, whenever it comes out.
Thank you so much! I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen now. Maybe no one will want to publish it. But if someone does, you and my sister, that’s two copies already!
Count me as a third! I’ve loved everything you’ve published here on the Toast dot net, it’s always left me with a feeling of “dang I want to read more of what she has to say about any topic at all.” Which explains why, as I recently confessed, I’m reduced to stalking your IntenseDebate feed (as I do with the other Toast editors, don’t be too alarmed).
I HAVE TO THINK TWICE ABOUT EVERY COMMENT NOW THAT I KNOW PEOPLE ARE
***WATCHING***
I really appreciate the support and kind words and will endeavor to NOT write a terrible book, if I get a chance to write one at all.
Please sign me up, too! 🙂
Slow is a neutral descriptor in this case. What you are is thorough. Or thoroughly in demand for your many other skills, requiring proposal writing to wait its turn. Either way, you are stellar. Rock on.
Thank you! I think “slow” might actually be the word. Also waylaid, a bit? I started working on this like three years ago, with an agent who then quit publishing (not because of me, I hope), and then I had to find another agent, and then together we ripped the whole thing apart and put it back together really, really SLOWLY. It’s been an education! I hope the next book proposal I write goes faster, but…good to be “thorough,” I suppose.
So I am wanting to learn more about the Suffragette movement in the US, as I realized that my school never taught me anything about it. I figure the holidays are a good time for this.
Any book recommendations, Toasties? An intersectional perspective would be great!
I have nothing to add but am going to take this as an opportunity to link to Kate Beaton’s Ida Wells strip
That is AWESOME.
Are you interested in the early feminist movement, or just the 20th century? If you want to know more about the early feminist movement, I’d recommend Seneca Falls and the Origins of the Women’s Rights Movement because it’s a very well-done, non-idealistic treatment of the women’s movement(s) and divisions that arose based on disagreements over black male suffrage, etc.
I’ve studied the early feminist mvt more but more knowledge is always great, thanks!
1. Has anyone ever done a Kickstarter? How did that go for you?
2. I need a job. I have not felt this adrift and broke in so long. And I can’t decide what the next steps are, and everyone else who has a job has TONS of advice for me and I want to punch them all.
I hate advice so much. It’s like if I were emotionally capable of following through on that advice I would not be in a place to need it in the first place.
I have helped with a Kickstarter (as a volunteer for a nonprofit organization). My role was helping with award fulfillment. If you are thinking of sending out awards yourself, do not underestimate the amount of time and effort it will take to physically assemble awards, print labels, make sure the right people get the right items, etc. It can be a big production!
SILLY ETIQUETTE QUESTION: My spouse has a friend who is a lady who sends him an annual holiday card addressed only to him. We’ve been together for almost 7 years and have lived together for almost 5, and she still only sends it to him. Is that… weird? The most pertinent part is that I don’t think she actually likes me. She isn’t romantically interested in him, 100% sure on that, but I do think the infrequent times I’ve interacted with her she has directed some artful shade in my direction – artful enough that I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid or not – mostly a vibe. Spouse thinks she would never and I’m being too sensitive, but I’m not so sure. Is it a little weird to send holiday greetings to the home of a couple and not acknowledge one half of the couple?
It’s weird and passive-aggressive. Unfortunately, there’s not too much you can do. I’m sure if spouse brought it up to her, she’d equivocate and say something like “well it’s really a card for you since I don’t know her that well,” which…. I mean, different people have different tolerances for this shit, and I would absolutely go to bat for this because it fucking gets on my tits when people ignore significant others, but your spouse may not want to.
But yeah, it’s super rude and a clear statement.
This is so validating! I don’t expect her to change her behavior or even really have any further conversation about it with spouse – I don’t see her often enough for it to really matter but it really is nice to hear someone else say that I’m not nuts to think she doesn’t like me. Historically pretty ok with people not liking me – I’m not everyone’s cup of tea! It’s just the uncertainty and passive aggressiveness that has thrown me a little.
If she had more of a presence in our regular life, that would be a different story but as of now I feel very fine skating off in a cloud of “don’t care/ not going to try anymore!” dust. It IS super rude and a clear statement and I now have given myself permission to not give a shit. Splendid! Thank you so much!
No problem! I’m glad she’s basically a non-issue. She sounds like a peach.
A lot of people really like her (including spouse) and she really does seem like a smart, funny lady who is super kind and generous to other people. But the ways of people are mysterious and not everyone is into my particular jim jam, and I can appreciate that it might be difficult when you don’t like your friend’s partner. But I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t get my feelings hurt easily, so she’ll have to adjust eventually. Or not!
i’ve been the female friend of a lot of guys, and i have to say, knowing that many women out there are less comfortable than i am about opposite sex friends, i’ve always gone out of my way to befriend them. this move of sending only one person in the couple a card is outright ballsy!
the issue of her not liking you could be something she just keeps to herself, you know? which makes this card sending thing something she puts actual effort into, which is what takes it from simply odd to passive-aggressive.
i always like to imagine hilarious scenarios, like one in which you [OP] send a card back to this friend, only from you. but that’s a scene probably not best played out.
i don’t have a solution for you other than to attempt to reach out to this person and try to kill this thing with kindness and see if it improves. and/or ask your husband why is this card only coming to him. ideally it would be great if he just gave her a hint, but if she really isn’t that much of a presence in your life, maybe a hearty eye-roll and focusing on things that matter more is best [as you said above].
Ha! I truly am not super bothered, now that other people have confirmed it’s not all in my head. BUT I am not above some hilarious scenario imagining myself – I like your style. 🙂
Totally agree on the hetero-dude friends and working to befriend their ladies – I have made some EXCELLENT lady friends this way.
I mean I wouldn’t do that but if this were happening to me I would totally send back a Christmas card with a picture of me and my boyfriend hugging/posing together and not only from both of us, but clearly handwritten by ME and signed by boyfriend. but also I am a big fan of fighting passive aggression with the most aggressive passive aggression I can muster and have it still be socially acceptable.
i think there are plenty of reasons it might happen innocently or inadvertently. but not for 7 years. and not if your gut is telling you it is not happening innocently.
Yeah it’s the multiple years running that is weird to me. After we got this last round I was like… um ok, lady, I get the message.
THIS.
If the person sends card to her friends, with detailed letters/notes that are specifically for her friend. If she didn’t know you very well. If she wasn’t sure if the relationship was serious. If she wasn’t sure if you live together or not. If she wasn’t sure how to spell your name.
There are bunches of reasons to fail to include a friend’s partner on a holiday card, especially for the first couple years they’re a couple, or the first couple years you know them, or prior to meeting them in person.
This? Nope, this is on purpose.
I agree with other commenters that it is weird and almost definitely some kind of statement.
A related weird thing: my grandparents sent me and my wife two separate Christmas cards this year. WHY? They have previously sent us joint ones, and while it’s not a secret that they disapprove of (or rather, do not acknowledge) our marriage, what particular message are they sending via separate cards? Did we just need extra Jesus this year, since all their cards are extremely Christian-themed? I’m so confused.
HA! That is so utterly bizarre, it’s kind of beyond interpretation. Like… just dumbfounded.
I pretty much always send cards addressed to the person I’m friends with, if I’m not friendly with the spouse. I was completely unaware that this wasn’t done, if she is also a single lady she might not know either? But I trust you when you say she’s given you shade before so maybe not!
I mean, she’s stayed in our home before, on multiple occasions, which to me bumps it up a little bit. If she weren’t someone I’d interacted with, it would be different, maybe? I just listened to “Beez in the Trap” like 4 times so am feeling very fuck is on your biscuit about it all at the moment. But for me, if people are in a couple and I’ve met my friend’s partner, I address the holiday card to both parties but also verrrry rarely send out cards so who’s the rude one now?!
I think the official Miss Manners line is that stuff like that is addressed to both or to the family, but I’m on the tiny internet so maybe someone can check?
Me too, and when I saw this post I wracked my brains to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently done this to someone else. I did not realize this was an etiquette rule, and I really dislike it when people start thinking of me and my significant other as a unit instead of individuals, so it would not have occurred to me naturally, although now that I’ve read this thread I can totally see why it might be preferred by some! Anyhow, it sounds like the OP is tuning into some underlying issues that complicate things in this instance, so I’m just posting to say I’m glad I’m not the only one who was oblivious to this custom, not to try to defend the person in question.
That’s what I was thinking. If a card can translate to a hang out, I wouldn’t sit down and have the same conversation with my friend and their partner who I’m not friends with… I’d assume a non friend would not care about the stuff I would share with a friend.
Not that I don’t believe she’s shading you, though.
It might not be grounds for complaint by itself, but if you already feel like she’s been shading you, I think it goes from “possibly accidental” to “probably passive-aggressive.”
One submitted shade example: looking at my wedding pictures and asking, “Oh, did you do your hair and make up yourself?” And then not saying anything when I said, “Oh yeah, I totally did!” That seems… this lady doesn’t like me at all, does she? I feel good about establishing this fact.
GIRL. That seems…pointed.
Hahaha right?! RIGHT. But also my spouse didn’t think my sister meant anything by it when she wore a white dress to my wedding so god knows if I could ever explain what “Did you do your hair and makeup yourself?” means in passive aggressive. Fortunately, we don’t have many interactions at all! Praise be.
i’d try 2 tactics to explain this to your partner.
on the wedding question, unless her tone was genuinely inquisitive or you were good friends enough to ask that or if you have a particular signature style for your hair and it’s clearly your work, it’s not a question, but an opportunity to say “your hair doesn’t look professionally done here.” which is such a petty thing to ask, like, why ask it?
on only addressing him, try flipping it if you haven’t already. if you had a guy friend who didn’t have any particular interest in him, but who was a good enough friend he’d stayed at your house, 7 years in the hexmas cards are still only addressed to you. [and, you’re saying not just the mailing address, but the salutation too, right?] so, does he think anything of that, or no big whoop?
i’ll say one more thing on this. of the people i’ve known who are in this gray area of seemingly being insulting, but also maybe just who knows, sometimes they are truly unaware that what they’re saying is actually rude or can be taken personally. i think it has something to do with them generally not caring and not really thinking about what they’re doing or saying, but sometimes it’s less venomous than it seems. which still points to you opting not to care about it, regardless of the intended meaning.
Oh my god this is hilarious because yes friend I have been there, too. Your spouse is wrong, wrong, wrong and someday he might recognize that (the Burgomaster did, bless him), but if you want to speed things along, show him this thread.
THAT IS NOT COOL BEHAVIOR, SPOUSE’S LADY FRIEND.
ETA: I just read all the other comments and this thread is golden.
Haha right? Not cool at all! Part of the issue is that I’m always a little astonished when someone who I haven’t actually had beef with dislikes me, so blatant behavior takes a while to register – forget about subtlety of any kind. Like…oh…wait…you…don’t like me? Which in all honesty could be a contributing factor to people not liking me but what’re you going to do.
How long did the Burgomaster take for it to click for you guys? I’d kind of like it if spouse got it eventually but I also kind of like that he lives in his golden and honeyed atmosphere of people all meaning exactly what they say all the time. It’s nice that someone lives there! (I only feel this way about people whose attitudes impact our lives very little if at all.)
It took him about five years to wake up to the fact that these people were being assholes. So yeah, your dude is due. The Burgomaster is also a sweet cinnamon bun of a human being who gives people the benefit of the doubt until they start actively hurting him (and sometimes not even then). I’m sure yours and mine would get along. Perhaps we could arrange a play date for them.
Haha I bet it would be adorable!
omg, a toastie-dudes playgroup would be superadorable.
omg omg omg
I am definitely picturing a dog park kind of scenario, too, where all the toasties are hanging out by the fence going “eeee, he’s so cute, LOOK, they’re friends!” while the dudes run around together.
Hahahahaa I got home and she sent a card to my dooooggggggg. From her cat. No acknowledgement of me tho. I am DYING. MESSAGE RECEIVED MADAME. (My dog has better hair than me though, by a lot, I will give her that.)
Oh my GOD this woman’s a piece of work. If your man doesn’t clue in by now, he’s not gonna.
He has now conceded that something is definitely up, which made him sad. No, come back, golden dreamer! I’m not upset, so you shouldn’t be!
I hate that conflicted feeling of righteous justification with sorrow at disillusionment.
I just the other night had to explain to my wonderful, lovely, very feminist male spouse what the song “Smooth Criminal” was about. He had just….never noticed? And then he was all sad and upset. I mean, there’s that whole part in the middle of the video with all the screaming? And the lyrics? He was soooo sad!
wait — SERIOUSLY???
>> thinks she would never
I mean not that it matters too much because it sounds like she is mostly a non-issue but:
OF FUCKING COURSE SHE WOULD. There is no human being on Earth or in history that is so good hearted as to not be willing to throw some shit towards at least someone.
The point is really that *you* don’t like it. If it’s a social boundary for you, it just is and you feel how you feel. Fuck etiquette. Be happy. What’s at the root of your discomfort here? Is it really that you think she isn’t exercising good manners?
What is it you want out of the situation? Start there. Figure out what’s reasonable once you know what you want the result to be. Do you care if she likes you? Do you want to be friends with her? Is her relationship with your partner significant? Significant enough for it to be meaningful that you aren’t friends with her and she excludes you on holiday greetings?
I don’t think it’s too weird. I exchange gifts with a couple of very close friends and am whimsical about when and how I include their spouses, whom I do really like and have known equally as long. It doesn’t really mean anything other than wanting specifically to do something to renew/honor the friendship. It’s not meant to be exclusive, even though technically I see how it could be interpreted as such. If it were an issue, though, I’d adapt and do so happily.
I’m curious to see where you go with this. Update us! And happy holidays.
Toasties! I’m going to London between the 27th and New Year’s, AND it turns out I don’t have an insane amount of papers and math to do over Christmas break but actually only a pretty reasonable workload! Life is good.
Now, what’s good in London? I’ll be out of money and very tired. Me and the gf are determined to eat like Hogwarts students (Christmas pudding? Rum punch? Egg nog?? Sounds totally made up to me BUT I WILL HAVE IT), if it’s not too expensive, and we’ve already noticed that our hostel is right next to a bunch of museums, including the Museum of Natural History (yesss) and Victoria and Albert (my girlfriend loves art). Any tips for weary travellers low on cash but rich in nerdery and Christmas spirit?
British Museum! Free and massive. Both the Tate galleries are free admission to the permanent collections too. I’m not sure if it’ll still be on but there’s also a fun winter market on the Southbank near Tate Modern, and Borough Market might be open then too? London is a total dream for nerdery 🙂
If you can spare £4 and the weather isn’t horrible you should go visit Highgate Cemetery. It’s beautiful and notable graves include those of Douglas Adams and Karl Marx…
And Waterlow park next door is really beautiful and was home to Andrew Marvell (Mr. To His Coy Mistress): http://www.yelp.com/biz/waterlow-park-london It could be a good place to stop for a coffee or snack on the way to/from the cemetery.
And if you’re near the British Museum, it’s right on the Northern Line, so you could hop on at Tottenham Court Road and then hop off at Archway or Highgate and be about a 10 minute walk away.
A slightly longer walk from those stops will get you to my currently favorite place in London (which I am sure someone has already mentioned below, but I cannot resist) which is Hampstead Heath. If you can go on a weekday and not over the weekend, you’re almost guaranteed to have a little bit of a walk alone across the Heath, unless school is out, I suppose. It’s beautiful and desolate, yet also full of life with little tiny fungi and very old trees. Absolutely glorious.
The National Gallery is also free.
St. Bart’s the Greater is a delightful, very old church which charges like four pounds to get in. Conveniently, it is next to Bart’s the hospital, if you are a Sherlock fan and want to go soak in atmosphere.
Greenwich is very charming. You will recognize it as the location of the ending of Thor II. I think the only building that charges for admission is the Royal Observatory (around 10 pounds?), but it is delightful, stuffed with old time-pieces and measurement devices.
The Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew are remarkable. Off-season it’s 8 pounds online in advance. There’s a special light show in the evenings, but that does cost more.
James Smith & Sons on New Oxford Street (in sort of the Russell Square area) is a very old-school umbrella shop you can browse in for free. Marvel at the random animal heads people want on their umbrellas!
Finally, if you’re a student and buy Westminster Abbey tickets over the web, they’re 15 pounds (=~23 USD). Seems a great pity not to go if you’ve never been.
Other cash-saving tips: get yourself an Oyster card (all Tube fares are cheaper with the card) and consider self-catering from Sainsbury’s or other supermarket, especially if you have access to a microwave (their frozen meals aren’t too bad for a person on a budget).
Umbrella shop?? Um yes please.
I love botanical gardens, but I’m going to be pretty much broke. Sounds amazing though! It WOULD be a pity to not see Westminster Abbey, but our student ID should be valid in the entire EU, I think, so with the student discount, it might be worth the money…
If you happen to know of any other weird little shops or something, I’d be happy to hear about it!
I just spent a year in London, but I’ll try to keep my enthusiasm to a minimum. Sounds like you’re staying in Kensington/Knightsbridge area. Make sure you walk North to Hyde Park and have a wander. It’s one of my favorite places in London. Most museums are free (the two you mentioned, plus National Gallery, British Museum, Tate Britain, Tate Modern, & National Portrait Gallery at least.) The Museum of Natural history is a breathtaking building. The V&A is more design than just art; it’s got some art, some decor and decorations, some clothes, jewelry, sculpture. Good mix of amazingness.
The Harry Potter studio tour was doing a Christmas at Hogwarts thing; look into that if you want the Hogwarts experience! That could be pricy or hard to get tickets though.
I second the suggestion of Highgate Cemetery. So gorgeous.
Make sure you walk along the Southbank at some point. I usually walked my visitors across Westminster bridge (from the Houses of Parliament, south across the river) and then East until we got to the Globe theatre. You’ll see most of the major monuments (the eye, tower bridge, etc.), and then you can walk back North across the Millennium Bridge to St. Paul’s. Bring your walking shoes, btw!
You’ll want to avoid tourist traps like Buckingham Palace, the Eye, and the Tower of London if you’re low on cash and/or time. They’re cool to see once, but overhyped in my opinion. Do NOT bother with the changing of the guard. Harrods is overrated. If you need a break from the hustle and bustle, go to a smaller neighborhood like Hampstead; much quieter, and only about 20-30 min via tube.
The area you’re staying in is expensive, even for London. I would rely on self-catering (Sainsbury’s or Tesco’s have good daily sandwiches and meal deals on the cheap). Do that for dinner, maybe, and then you can splurge on mince pies and yorkshire puddings at lunch for cheaper prices. Also, if you or the gf fall ill, Boots is the pharmacy. Night Nurse and Day Nurse are the equivalent of DayQuil/NyQuil.
I’ll stop now. Wait. One more incredibly important thing. Stand on the right on escalators. People walk on the left and they will hate you forever if you’re standing on the left, in their way.
Now I’m done.
No need to keep your enthusiasm down! This is great, thank you so much. We were indeed planning to save money by eating sandwiches, and the hostel has a kitchen, I think.
Do you know any good cafes in the area? Or pubs? We’ve googled, but I can only find the trendiest, most expensive bars with fancy cocktails or horrendously pricy English tea time menus. I don’t need fancy, I just want a nice place (or several) to sit down, get off my feet and eat/drink a little something that cheers me up! 🙂
I too come from a city particular about its escalator traffic. Standing on the right, walking on the left is the One True Way.
I’m not cool enough to know the cool places to go, or the out -of-the-way cheap places either. I was on a student budget, so I did not eat out unless someone else ways paying. Which meant going to Pizza Hut with my dad…
I do know that if you venture into the East End (or even farther east than that), there are cheap cafes and curry houses and any ethnic food you could imagine.
That being said, I always used Time Out’s website to search for new restaurants. You can filter by neighborhood, price, and cuisine. They have their own staff reviews and customer reviews. I mean, you can use Yelp and stuff too, I just never go wrong with Time Out. And if you’re chatty, ask people at your hostel, as they’re likely to be on a similar budget.
I’m going to agree with everyone else on here and add that if you’re looking around for a pub to have some of that Christmas food and drink in, see if you can find a Wetherspoons. They’re named a million different things and are often based in cool older buildings. It’s not going to be gourmet, but it’ll be cheap and cheerful, decent amount of variety, and a non-intimidating atmosphere for foreigners. (I’ve always found)
Oh, and as for nerdery, if you’re into Dr. Who, go to Earl’s Court station and take a picture with a Tardis in the wild! It’s not far from where you’re staying. Ask the people working inside which exit it’s at, they all know.
I’m useless with recommendations but I’ll be back in London on the 28th if you’re looking for someone to meet up with
See also London toasties fb group
See also also, if you need something to do for new years I’m having a ‘party’ in South East London (and telling everyone I can think of in the hopes that someone will turn up), or if you want to see the fireworks go to parliament hill or shooters hill, you won’t be able to watch them from the river banks because you need tickets
Have fun!
If you’re at all interested in old books etc, the British Library has an exhibition space which is usually really interesting – it wouldn’t take up very long but it’s worth a look! Not sure about the opening hours in the period you’re here so probably check that beforehand.
Also fairly near that area is the Persephone Books shop – if you haven’t come across Persephone, it’s an excellent independent press which republishes undervalued or out of print books, mostly by women writers. http://www.persephonebooks.co.uk/ The shop is lots of fun to browse around 🙂
One more tiny tiplet, I’ve found a lot of good info here about some of the stuff that was so basic (like how to buy an oyster card) that I was scared to ask: https://www.reddit.com/r/london/wiki/index But it also has recommendations for sights to see and places to eat, arranged by price and style.
If you’re going to be in East London at all the Christmas Past exhibition at the Geffrye Museum is ace – learn about 400 years of English Christmas traditions! Nerdy and festive and free! http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk/whatson/christma…
So late, but I have to boost the queer Abba panto that some folks I know are doing! I can’t go, but it’s cheap and probably super queer and super ridiculous.
Here’s the Facebook event.
Three interviews this past week, and two of them went very well! One of those, however, is a part-time job with sucky benefits that would put me in a neighboring state. The other one, though, is my dream job in my dream city!
So, any tips for the final stage of interviewing (crossing my fingers that I get there)? I’ve never gotten past a 2nd interview before.
I just got offered a job literally yesterday so I can tell you my thoughts from (just barely) the other side! I have had my very best interviews when I’ve been able to step back a bit from the fact that I’m being interviewed and treat it more like a conversation. This helps me relax a little and act more like myself, which I think makes me come off as more confident and personable than I would otherwise. Obviously this is easier said than done, and I certainly still get nervous, but it’s something I try to keep in mind.
Also, the best interview advice I ever got (from my mom, who is a goddamn champion of life), is to remember that you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. You’re clearly a good candidate if they’re having you back for a second interview, and they should be trying to impress you! So definitely ask about things that aren’t clear and pay attention to how the whole situation feels, because you can totally decide that they’re not good enough/the right place for you too.
It’s funny, but my experience of interviews is pretty opposite (at least for the first round); I used to think of them as conversations, so although I was relaxed, which was good, I would end up being way too rambly and informal, and come off (I’m guessing) as kind of scattered and unprofessional.
It helped when I visualized an interview as being less like yoga, where you relax and stretch and get In Touch with your innards, and more like Pilates, where you’re controlling yourself and keeping everything tight, although not clenched. This probably says more about my conversational style than anything else, so of course YMMV.
Totally agree, though, about asking questions and trying to clarify everything you can about a job. As well as being informative, it also says to the interviewer that you’re a curious and serious mind.
Good luck!
I had one interview this week, for a job I desperately want. So I’m right there with you.
My tips are not original, I’m sure you’ve heard them. But…stalk the Ask a Manager website. Write a quality follow-up email after the interviews. Then convince yourself you won’t get the job, and spend your time applying for others. It’s the only way to stay sane.
Anti-depressant questions for anyone who cares to share.
After three months I still have some side effects that are annoying but definitely not intrusive to my life. My doctor said they might go away still. I guess this isn’t so much a question but a plea for some reassurance that it will improve and I won’t have to get off the one med that has actually helped my mood.
How much did they WORK for you? I feel better. Like “wow now I can see how absolutely miserable I actually was” better. But I still feel sort of flat and less “there” than before. I know that meds aren’t the magical cure, they just bring you to up to a point where therapy can work. But I was just wondering if this has happened to anyone else? Did it help more or less than you expected?
Ah, this is a good question. I wonder if part of it is that your brain’s still getting itself back together? Depression is exhausting- I am fortunate that I’ve only had one or two-day episodes in the past few years (thanks Paxil! And my therapist! And my SAD light!) but even those just wipe me out for a few days afterwards. It takes my system some time to get back on an even keel. If you keep feeling concerned about it, though, by all means talk to your therapist about it! That is literally their job.
In the meantime, are there nice things you can do for yourself? It doesn’t have to be fancy, but I find it helps me- both because I can relax and recuperate, and I can remind myself that I deserve to have pleasant things.
Best of luck. <3
That’s a really good point. I went a long time before getting on the medication, so it totally makes sense that it would take a while to get re-settled.
Do you recommend the SAD lamp? Every winter I’m kinda like, eh, maybe, but I’ve never jumped the gun.
I should say I do not have a SAD diagnosis. HOWEVER! I have found the lamp to be incredibly useful during the winter. The year I first got it, I remember waking up on a cloudy, dark winter day, and going “ugh, I don’t want to do anything today. ick.” Then I sat in front of the light for 30 minutes and read. Light goes off, I look up and go, “hmm, I could clean the kitchen, couldn’t I?” And off I went for the rest of the afternoon /doing stuff/. Nothing too crazy! But it makes it much easier for me to start moving.
I have never really had the ‘night and day’ experience with antidepressants, but I know there have been periods while on them when I felt quite good, which may or may not have been caused by the medication. The improvement generally seems to happen quite gradually over a period of months, and then plateau or reverse. I have changed dosages and types a couple of times, to more or less the same effect. Tbh, I’ve never been fully convinced that they do ‘work’ in the conventional sense for me; I think that what happens is my decision to start them/change dosage etc is part of a general decision to take control of my mental health/life in general, which leads to better mood, habits etc. But the decision comes first, usually after a bad period. So I don’t know. I do know people who have had the ‘night and day’ experience, so I hope that happens for you.
One thing I DO know – don’t stop taking them suddenly/without medical supervision! That is Not Pleasant. If you’re coming off them be sure to inform your doctor & work out a slow tapering-off plan.
Anti-depressants were a literal life-saver for me when I was on them. As you said, they basically just helped clear up the black clouds enough to allow me to manage to find my way out with some professional help. They did make me feel a little flat, which made me reject the idea of them early on, but as long as the side-effects are manageable and you’re able to keep an eye on them, I’m a big proponent of anti-depressants (after careful consideration/consult from a doctor/etc.) when you need some help to gain a foothold.
I did have the “flat” feeling when I was on them, but I much preferred it to “active misery and constant panic attacks,” so I figured I’d take what I could get. Once I did feel more stable and the therapy was working, I was able to scale back enough that most of the side effects went away, which was good.
Basically what antidepressants do for me is give my feelings a bit of a cushion. A disappointment or setback that leads me to believe I Am Going to Die when I’m not medicated isn’t as overwhelming when I am medicated. Which, yes, can be sort of a “flat” feeling – the strong emotions aren’t getting through.
Yes, seconded on this. My meds make it much less likely that I’ll go into a spiral of self-loathing over something (objectively) pretty minor- it smooths out the road. Which can feel startling after getting used to plunging repeatedly into a pit. Mine, personally, haven’t dulled happy feelings, fwiw.
A quick update about last week’s ex situation: THANK YOU so much for your kind thoughtful advice. I have blocked him, his emails, and his numbers in every way possible. I believe he poses no threat, other than taking up space, so no more space shall he take. It really helped to have some lovely people ‘s assurance that mild alarm was not unreasonable. Love you <3
Very glad for this update!
I have not finished my Yuletide story! I will be writing it fueled by mulled wine I am the worst for leaving it to the last minute, but it’s gonna get finished.
Just cleaned my flat, mulled wine on the stove ready for my little gathering – thank you all for the recipe tips last week!!
Getting a little annoyed with my friend, who keeps telling me about all the better offers she’s getting, and then inviting her friends to my thing. At least they’re all people I’ve met but I’m not really happy with this…
Ugh, I hope you’re able to tell her not to do that in future — that you like deciding your own guest list. Not an unreasonable request.
Toasties I need some cheer on this Friday. Details in the reply.
I mentioned on an open thread before Thanksgiving that I was doing a lot of weird flirting with a friend of mine who has a partner with whom she lives. It kind of..took off in the last month, and I realized I was having a lot of feelings past “flirting with a friend.” We talked this week and decided to take a break from our constant texting- she needs to figure out what she wants and I…need to get over her I guess? But it’s been pretty miserable (Oh my god it’s only been two days) so I’m feeling kind of mopey this week.
Additionally, my two closest friends and I have been planning on having an NYE celebration at my place. Thing is, they’ve not been getting along super well and I don’t really want to have an awkward NYE where there is a lot of tension? Perhaps I am just in a melancholy mood because of above reasons, but I kind of want to hang out alone and go to bed? I can’t tell if it will be helpful to my mood? Or make it worse?
Thoughts and photos of puppies, Daveed Diggs or baby seals are welcome.
How about MULTIPLE PHOTOS of Daveed Diggs WITH puppies
Also, sorry, I have no advice re: the other issues 🙁
I mean I can’t ask you to have EVERY SINGLE THING, now can I?? That would hardly be fair.
Perhaps what would help most is to replace your pillows with this little guy:
I’m sorry this is a mopey week, and the holidays can be so bad at exacerbating that kind of thing. You’ll get through this, though.
There is small part of me that wishes I let it go on throughout the holidays though I know either way I was going to be miserable and without her.
Seal pillooowwwwww I must have you.
Bonus seals, because if there’s one thing I can offer you, it’s a lot of seal photos.
OK, so there was some discussion on the He’s Just So Hard to Shop For article, about Christmas lists/wish lists and dads, and I have to add this:
Despite my maintaining a very long and very detailed Amazon wishlist of gift ideas, almost none of my gifts from my Father-In-Law that I know of so far have been from said list, aside from one item that he had already received elsewhere for free. This week, a package arrived in the mail for me, from him, from a retailer called GUYVILLE. So – now my wife and I are playing a fun game of What Could This Mystery, Non-List Gift From A Shop Called GUYVILLE Possibly Be?! Any guesses? I did look up the shop online, but I’d rather keep making funny guesses.
(With all that said, his gifts are generally still pretty nice, so I say all this in good spirit.)
Sunglasses specifically designed to be worn on the back of your head?
OH MY GOD. I hadn’t even considered a Guy Fieri connection (which I think is what you’re suggesting here), just some store constantly filled with the smell of Axe cologne and a lot of grunting and chest bumping. This changes everything.
Guyville would have a heck of a selection of hair products, too, I’m thinking.
Sex Panther? https://www.cavenders.com/western/gifts/fragrance…
A Liz Phair album?
I have been having a rough week. Winter + wacky hormone things (I started going to the gym and now my period does whatever it wants whenever it wants?) + the friendship threads + several fanfics that have given me complicated feels + clutter + claustrophobia (I hate the RV so much you guys) + it is never going to stop raining ever for the rest of time … blerg. I suppose I should get out of the house but I’m broke. The coffee shop AND the bakery in town both closed so now there’s not even anywhere to go sit and drink a cup of tea and read a book.
In conclusion, blahhhhhhh
I’m so sorry. You have free room and board here, you know, whenever you want a vacation. Must tolerate sloppy housekeeping and lots of dog hair. Oh, right, you’re good with dog hair. Let’s plan a visit.
I come seeking xmas family woes advice. The short version is that my stepfather is going to be at the family doin’s, which I was not expecting and am not looking forward to. He and my mother’s marriage has been in a very strange place for the last year (as of the spring she was seriously considering leaving him and has now “saved” their marriage by, um, not being in the same state as him) and I honestly have no idea how to interact with him now.
Should I:
a) get drunk the moment I arrive and remain drunk (this is a bad idea, they are both LDS, I’m not doing this but it is appealing)
b) just avoid him and corral myself and my boyf toward other family members/friends
c) ????
I suspect the reaction I will have to seeing him will be visceral. I really don’t know if I can be polite. We have had nothing to talk about in the best of times and I hate the idea of giving him the impression that how he’s treated my mother is at all ok.
Is it something you can talk to your mom about? If I were in your position, I might feel better if I felt my “distant politeness” rather “annihilating death-stare” were coming from a place of wanting to support what she needs right now.
I really would prefer to take my cues from her. We’re not a very ~sharing~ family, though last spring and summer when things were really hitting the fan she talked to me a lot more than usual. That dropped off as we got into fall and now I’m not sure where she is standing emotionally. The last time I talked to her included the news that stepfather would be present and I tried to feel out how we were supposed to be reacting to this, to little avail.
I think I might have to call her again before Thursday and just ask point-blank how she would like me to behave. /terror eyes :/
I think I might have to call her again before Thursday and just ask point-blank how she would like me to behave.
If you’re up for advice, I gently suggest that rather than asking for a prescription (“How would you like me to behave?”), you ask for a description of her own reaction (“How do you feel about him being there?” or “How do you expect to handle that?”), which will give you some sense of what she might hope for, but not lock you into any promises you might not be able to keep.
That is a better way of framing it, thank you!
me right now:
Oh god, been there. Not just the sentiment but the commanding my bowels in the mirror.
Do you at least have good toilet paper?
it’s 7th Generation, which is to say my ass is sad
Quilted Northern Ultra Plush (the purple one). It makes all the difference in the world.
Been there. Solidarity. I wish you an everlasting supply of TP, plenty of water, lots of reading material, and a well-charged phone battery.
thank you for your kind words in this difficult time
My mom would like to send her sympathies. She ended up in the hospital from nearly pooping herself to death last weekend. The doctors think food poisoning, but I wonder if it’s this fad diet thing she was trying that had her avoiding perfectly harmless things and eating things that she knows for a fact that she’s allergic to. She’s given up on it for now, so I’m not about to bring it up and rub it in, though.
Anyway, here’s to hoping you stop pooping soon.
I think I am allergic to something too! This is the 4th time (but the worst, because I was very uncareful on the recovery from yesterday’s episode) this has happened to me in the last 3 months. I have no idea what it could be and see no common thread, but it feels really unlikely that I got super intense food poisoning randomly more than once a month this fall.
I don’t know exactly what it took, but my mom had this blood test done that is supposed to give you a list of everything you are allergic to in two categories; avoid and small doses. She’s got shit like pineapple and peas and chicken on that list, it’s intense. Her ‘diet’ had her drinking pea protein smoothies and I was like, “No mom, nooooooo.”
Maybe talk to your doctor, see if you can get some kind of allergy test done.
My new theory is that I have giardia! I think that for a gross reason, so don’t read it if you don’t want to be grossed out: bright yellow diarrhea is a symptom of giardia. I’m gonna call for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to see if I can get a test done.
Do you also have sulferous farts and dizziness? Giardia is no joke, good luck to you and your bowels!
A few of you mentioned you were interested in this BEEF CLEANSE, I mean Whole30 paleo thing I just quit doing. Ha! I actually very much recommend it. A lot of my symptoms (i.e. daily diarrhea) are 95 percent gone (in fact it stopped almost immediately, probably from shock) and I wholly credit the shittons of veggies and crock-pot-meat I’ve been eating. (If you want batch cooking tips, let me know.) So I’m supposed to start gradually reintroducing dairy, non-gluten grains, beans, and gluten back in my diet after day 30, however I’ve been putting milk in my coffee since day 17ish, with no effect, and I’m having god damn pizza TONIGHT. I really stretched my willpower to the limit, and I’m not saying that lightly.
Also, if you feel like you’re an emotional eater/drinker (meeeeeee) then this is an excellent challenge for two weeks or so. You’ll (I’ll) start feeling feelings and instead of eating an entire 90 percent chocolate bar or drinking whiskey out of the bottle, you’ll find yourself actually facing your feelings like huh, this actually isn’t so bad, its kindof interesting actually.
“daily diarrhea”
I know we live in a world where most people laugh hysterically when going to a doctor is mentioned because it costs a million dollars, but this seems like something you might need to check out??? O.O
Yeah, it turns out the doctor just says “huh sounds like IBS” and throws some pills at you.
The pills took care of the pain but I figured the diarrhea could be helped with diet.
Now I’m grumpy because it appears gluten was causing some havoc down there, and that is a really annoying thing to cut out of one’s diet. I’m willing to lean into this paleo thing, since it helped a great deal, but a whole lifestyle change is the last thing on my mind.
As a person who’s gone through stages of having daily diarrhea, and talking about it with friends, I’ve learned: many, many people suffer from daily diarrhea. Doctors mostly say, hmm, well, sorry about that.
Ah ah ha ha ha ha ha BEEF CLEANSE. I eat pretty hardcore paleo 99.9% of the time thanks to a zillion health issues, and I remember that what is going on here when I did my first Whole30. So glad you had a good experience.
Toasties who have given birth (or possibly who are just apple-shaped, regardless of birth history?), I need wardrobe help. I’m 2 months postpartum, about 7 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, and somehow 2-3 dress sizes bigger than I was pre-pregnancy…but ONLY IN MY BELLY. (Well, and my boobs.) The problem, aside from body image issues to which I’m trying to apply feminism, is that I don’t know how to buy pants that fit. My hips and legs are still my old size, but my waist…isn’t. I went to the Gap yesterday and tried on jeans and work pants and left in mild despair. I need pants! What do I do?!
Did you have one of those bands while you were pregnant you use to keep wearing your regular pants as long as possible, but unzipped? ….because I did, and just kept wearing it for a while postpartum. It saved me the stress/cost of shopping for clothes while my size was in flux.
Yes, I’ve definitely been doing that! For some reason it hasn’t worked very well with my jeans. Not sure why. But I can keep doing it with my dress pants, at least.
It is totally normal to keep wearing maternity clothes for the first year after giving birth because your body takes a while to get back to normal, especially if you are nursing. So — do you still have maternity pants? If not, could you pick some up?
Oh wow, really? I didn’t know it was normal to need them for that long. That makes me feel a bit better. I do still have maternity pants, but they don’t fit either – they’re too big in the hips and legs. Maybe I can see if I can find some maternity pants in smaller sizes. But thank you! It’s at least reassuring to know that this is common.
I mean I have absolutely no experience in the area but have you considered trying mens pants? I suspect they’re cut assuming a larger waist/hip ratio, also I think they generally sit a bit lower so anatomic waist is a bit less important.
Hm… I lost most of the weight from my daughter very quickly. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within six weeks. But my body shape definitely changed, and have remained that way for years. Same weight but nothing is quite where I left it.
My +1’s company had a fairy tale-themed christmas party, and he stayed late and I was already asleep when he came home. Apparently my sleepy self explained to him that if *I* had gone to the party, I would have dressed up as a pea and kindly asked all the princesses whether they would like to lie down on me.
Apparently I am … not very smooth … when half asleep. I can vaguely remember the incident, and +1 told me that it really happened…
Have you had any weird conversations when you were sleepy, toasties?
It’s been a long time since I actually had a full conversation, but apparently I do have a fun habit of occasionally screaming “NO!!!” at the top of my lungs if my husband touches me with cold extremities while I’m asleep.
I always have problems where I wake up and can’t figure out that whatever just happened to me was a dream. I’ll do things like send really angry texts to my best friend at 3am about how stealing my money to buy an ostentatious pool in her front yard is NOT OKAY or tell my boyfriend that I can’t to go to Mexico this evening because I have nothing packed. Thankfully, they’ve all been similarly ludicrous so nobody has ever actually gotten mad at me.
Ohhhh, I don’t have any good stories of my own BUT I have a good friend whose fiance is a chronic sleep talker, and she loves telling the story of the time he woke her up in the middle of the night excitedly going “it’s happening! it’s happening!” And she was like, ugh, what, what’s happening, and he turned to her with this big creepy smile and said “THE NIGHT HARVEST.”
oh my god
I have been snorting helplessly at this for five minutes, and I’m very glad most of my coworkers have left.
I don’t have any that I can think of but that is the funniest and most adorable story.
When I was a teenager I had several episodes of sleepwalking wherein I would walk into the living room and start arguing with my parents over things that were completely nonsensical. Apparently one of these conversations ended with me yelling, “GOD, you’re so STUPID” and stalking back off to bed in disgust.
No notable sleep conversations that I’m aware of, but I *did* once have such a vivid dream about my friend being a shape-changer that I woke up pissed off. “I’ve known you for HOW MANY YEARS and you NEVER told me you could change into a TIGER???”
I have! My favorite happened when I was a child. I was asleep, and Mom was checking on me. I suddenly sat bolt upright and said, intensely, “Mom. Tell the cats. Tell the cats. Tell the cats.” After a couple of moments, I said, “Oh well,” and flopped back down on the bed.
My kid sleepwalks. One time when she was five, she came into our room with her nightgown hiked up around her waist, said “Mommy, check out my butt” with a glazed expression on her face, and then went back to her room and sleep.
When I was a child I had a habit of reading late and my Mum would make a point of checking up on me. Once she came into my room and found me asleep with my bedside light on. She turned it off and left the room, only to hear the light go on again. Thinking I’d been shamming sleep she came back in to find me rummaging under the bed. When she asked me what I was looking for, I earnestly replied “I’m looking for a bad ending”. Remembered nothing of it the next day.
My boyfriend often seems possessed in his sleep – he somestimes sleeps with his eyes open and rolled back in his head, he chews and mumbles Necronomicon sounding nonsense – but the other night took the cake. He was rolling around going ” Cavendish! Cavendish! Where are you?”, and seemed upset, so I asked him “Who is Cavendish?” and he sat straight up in bed and said “I AM CAVENDISH.” in a weird voice. Freaked me right out, let me tell you. Then he fell back in bed and slept peacefully the whole night. He has no memory of this.
I get screaming night terrors, and once sleep-punched him in the face because I thought he was an alien trying to abduct me, so I think we’re about even.
My boyfriend once said something to me (when we were both awake) about a friend of ours coming back to our flat after an event we were going to together. I was fine with the idea, but a bit confused as to why he was treating it as a foregone conclusion. Then he told me he’d suggested it to me the night before and I’d said it was a good idea and we should invite her. I had no memory of the conversation at all and can only assume I answered him while still basically asleep.
I also called my boyfriend by my brother’s name once. (It was first thing in the morning, I was just waking up and trying to get him to turn his alarm off, and my brain clearly just got the “male person who is close to me” part of the identity right and didn’t see the point in bothering with the rest.)
So some college friends of ours, who got married a month after my husband and I did, are the types of people who send perfectly-posed photographic Christmas cards with lengthy life-update messages. (I will never be one of those people, but that’s not the point.) Every year, without fail, they have addressed said cards to “The Hisnames” or “Husband and Me Hisname.” They even did this on our placecards at their wedding, despite the fact that I made sure to tell them I was keeping my name.
Like, even my hyper-conservative MIL usually manages to remember to address things to “Husband Hisname and Me Myname,” and I’m getting kind of tired of it. It’s been five years! Surely they have noticed by now that I did not, in fact, change my name! And part of me really wants to send an email like, “Hey, congrats on getting your PhD, that’s great! Let me know your new address after you move! And speaking of addresses, you’ve been using the wrong surname for me, please stop.”
But on the other hand, it’s been five years? It’s kind of late in the game to correct them? My husband thinks it doesn’t matter, since if/when we have kids (this will not be soon, knock on wood) we’ve agreed they’ll have his name, and then things will just be sent to “The Hisname Famiiy” anyway. (I personally believe it should be ‘The Myname-Hisname Family,’ but that’s a whole ‘nother issue.)
When people in older generations send cards to “The Hisnames,” I roll with it and also roll my eyes, because that used to be the norm and it’s what they’re used to. But these are our peers, and it bothers me. I just don’t know if it’s worth saying anything about, and what to say if I do.
I think it’s fine to correct them, in a kind but blunt way.
Agreed, as a person who keept her name.
Seconded, as another person who kept her name.
Similar gripe. My cousin recently got married. His wife friended me on facebook shortly after they got engaged to get my address. Then she sent everything to Mr. and Mrs. Husband’sLastName. I don’t know how she even found out my husband’s last name? But after the effort she put into finding my address, it seemed weird that she would get my name so wrong. I RSVPed using my own name, but the thank you note still came to Mrs. Husband’s-Name. And my mom just says I’m being petty for getting upset, but it feels so rude.
Someone is being petty and rude in this scenario and it’s not you.
It’s not petty. It’s your name! Just because it’s the last name instead of the first doesn’t make it any better when someone gets it completely wrong.
Hmm. Disclaimer that I am not married, and cede Advice Ground to those who are.
If you’re going to see them/talk to them soon after card season, I think maybe saying something like “thanks for the card; it was so great to hear how you’re doing! I wanted to flag for you that Husband and I always go by Husband Hisname and My Myname. How did [detail from their meticulous letter] turn out?”
If you don’t see/talk to them often, I don’t know whether that strategy could work over email/Facebook/what-not. If this letter from them is the only communication you get from them every year, it might be difficult to reach out.
Sorry I don’t have any better solutions — this is an annoying problem, and I’m sorry you have to grit your teeth every year over it.
Oh, btw, I go by “Ms. Me Myname.” “Mrs. Hisname” is his other wife!
Xmas cards from all in-laws AND MY OWN BROTHER this year have been to Mr and Mrs BoyLastName, MrChouffe and HoublonChouffe BoyLastName, or some variation. I’m still in the finding-it-cute phase but it’s going to get old real quick.
One of my brothers sent us gifts in a box addressed to Me Myname and Husband Hisname, but on the Christmas card inside the box, the envelope was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname. I was baffled but amused.
I gave up. After a couple of gently joking/not joking corrections were ignored I decided to LET IT GO. It still annoys me 14 years later, but only for like a minute 1-2 times per year when they mail me something. I don’t think it’s malicious, I think they just can’t wrap their heads around it.
A few things because I have the serious feelz about it (and it is coming up in my life as well)
1) I think that there’s a certain romance many women feel about becoming “Mrs.” whomever, or there must be, since this shit is being advertised to me like woah. I think that the “Future Mrs.” stuff and the perfect Christmas card life update, and the I’m Being A Good Wife Narrative are all related. And I wonder if these college friends are just of this mindset, and perhaps they cannot fathom that something they hold dear–sharing a name–wouldn’t have the same significance for you? It’s a myopic worldview, and kind of terrible to not be empathetic to your own reasons for keeping your name, but writing out “Mr. & Mrs. John Smith” might just fill them with the warm fuzzies of remembering your union? So, you can just roll your eyes and let it go, knowing it isn’t ill-intended? Or you can just say something upfront because acknowledging that you are a human with agency and not a Wife matters.
2) Maybe it’s actually about the fact that your husband doesn’t care and doesn’t want to include your surname in your own family? Speaking 100% personally, that would bother me more than someone else not acknowledging my name.
3) I am in fact taking my partner’s name next year–news that was received very, very controversially in my social circle & even by my intended who all think I should keep my name. But I was strangely offended when my future MIL addressed something to Mr. & Mrs. Hisname before even asking me. So I feel you a lot. The bombardment of “OooOOOooOOO You’re Going to be Mrs. Hisname!” really gets my goat.
One year, my mother-in-law and my husband’s aunt both sent Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs. Husband’s First Name Last Name. That did not happen again. I asked my husband to call his mother and explain that I am an individual with my own name. And any mail meant for both us should come addressed as such. Or it will be returned.
My married friends who have not changed their last names get a card addressed to “Friend Hislastname and Friend Herlastname”, with occasional forays into “The Herlastname Family” if we’ve all been reading the Toast a lot lately and want to be matriarchal.
Ugh, yes, it is so bothersome to get something addressed to J Hislastname from someone I’m friends with on Facebook, so they know damn well I’m still J Whittz! It’s easier to brush off as a generational thing when Great Aunt Mimi makes the mistake, even if you remember having to answer “And how does the groom feel about you keeping your name?” from her at the shower.
We just got a thank you card from a fellow bridesmaid who stayed in our hotel room to save money at a friend’s wedding. She and I had exchanged several emails about this, and various other bridesmaid-y things in the months running up to the wedding. My email is my first and last name. My signature is my first and last name. Who does she address the thank you to? Mr. & Mrs. Hislastname. I nearly Hulked out.
So I channeled my rage into a brief Facebook status that
1. acknowledged how strange it was that I needed to post this 3 years after our wedding
2. mentioned that I kept getting mail from facebook friends with the wrong name despite it remaining the same in my email, on fb, etc
3. asked that we not discuss any past instances of this, as I wasn’t looking to call out a specific person (I think this part went a long way in creating goodwill)
4. requested the use of my actual name going forward
We’ve only just started receiving holiday cards, but this does seem to have helped. And frankly, it was validating to have so many people press that little like button on that status particularly.
If it bothers you, it’s worth saying something. I kept my name but use his for holiday cards. It doesn’t bother me when people use his name. Except my dad. I feel like my dad pointedly uses my husband’s last name and I am not sure why. He’s the only family member who does this.
I admit it – I make up last names for the member of the couple I am less attached to or know less well in any friendship. Like, I addressed an invitation to Mary HerActualLastName and Mike Superdude. I will send cards addressed to Mary and Mike HerLastName or Mary HerLastName and Mary’s Mike. I am unrepentant. Hey, I sent a card, okay??
Toasties, where do you go to meet potential dates? I live near a large queer-friendly city now (Portland), but I’m still at a loss. Have done a bit of OKC, have done lots of day hikes with LGBT groups, went to a few lesbian meet-ups (they’re all way older than me or already with someone), and ugh.
In other news, I was up until 1 a.m. last night (an hour past my usual bedtime, when I need to get up around 6:30, ugh) individually wrapping baked goods for my coworkers, auuuuuugh. I’m glad I did it, though it was a pain in the ass and took forever.
I’m not particularly crafty, and I’ve never before distributed home-baked goods for the holidays, but I’ve been in Oregon for over seven months now, and these are the people I know best (and many have been quite kind to me), so I wanted to show my appreciation even though any or all of them may be snatched from me any day by the horrible economic uncertainty and sketchy company leadership driving the layoffs/dismissals.
I was in your particular shoes (and your exact town–hi from a former Portlander! I hope PDX is treating you right) five years ago, so my advice may be more than a bit outdated, but I found the Portland queer lady OKC…population? (crowd? whatever) to be pretty okay, especially for someone as awkward about dating as I was/am. I went on a few dates with some folks from there (mostly good, one fantastically disastrous but one that turned into a great story) before meeting my now-fiancee (also on OKC).
If the Q Center is still around (and less of a crappy/unfriendly place than I’d heard it turned into), I know they used to have game nights and other social events, so that might be worth checking out.
OOOH, thanks so much, this is exactly the specific experienced advice I was looking for!
I’ve had a few dates (all from back in the summer, none recently, though I’ve stopped sending as many messages on OKC) that went all right, but nothing exciting, and we seemed to mutually agree to stop contacting. Then I had one craigslist date that unexpectedly went SUPER WELL, and I was excited for at least some fun times, but then she backed out of it all before I even got a single kiss. That was incredibly discouraging, even though I know there was no long-term potential. I just so rarely feel a connection with anyone.
(I did gain some experience recently being Pursued by an Older Woman, and I tried to be open-minded about it but in the end the lesson was that I need to trust my instincts sooner. At least I’ve been good about cutting off contact, lesson learned.)
I haven’t heard of the Q Center!!!! I will look it up.
Maybe try a different dating site/app if you’re not finding some rad ladies on OKC? I think the popular choice varies widely based location/age/what you’re looking for.
Hmmm, I’ve considered this and recently looked at a list of other dating sites for women, but none that seemed Portland-specific. Still open to suggestions, though!
I got nothing in particular, but wish I knew a nice girl to introduce you to. Everyone I work with seems to meet their dates at work (downtown Portland, tech).
Aw, thank you! See, I work in a small town in a more rural area (Newberg), and there’s very few women, especially in my department (plus I’d be nervous about dating a coworker). I wish it were easier for me to get to some of the downtown happy hours! I do live closer to Portland than my job is, anyway.
I’m sick. Just sick enough to be miserable, but healthy enough to feel guilty about taking off work. Basically it has felt like I’ve had a hangover for three straight days. I’m probably going to miss my community band concert tomorrow and I’m bummed.
What is the threshold for you to stay home from work without guilt, Toasties? Mine is fever or constant coughing. Or something gross like pink eye.
Death I guess? It’s hard to say because I’ve never been symptomatic of anything on a work day. I’m not well paid either and while Target will let you post-hoc top off your hours with vacation time it’ll only ever let you up to your average hours (calculated over the entire year) worked which for two of the three years I’ve worked at Target has been significantly less than say the six month rolling average. So I haven’t ever considered missing work an option.
I’m getting a lot better at staying home- I used to work in food service where calling out was unheard of and now that I have paid sick days I’m still not very good at taking them.
Truly the (totally warranted!) disgust from my co-workers is a very powerful motivator. Ah, shame.
I get paid hourly, so unless I am physically incapacitated (as in, so delirious I can’t stand, or unable to stop vomiting), I show up. I think if I got something exceedingly contagious, I would probably try to use it as an excuse though.
I have paid sick leave, so this is something of a privilege, but I tend to use “will I be more productive at work today and tomorrow than I would be tomorrow if I called in today and rested”. If I’m sick, one of the first symptoms for basically anything is a general laziness and being foggy-headed, so I’m often likely to get much more done if I take the day off and go in the following day rested, rather than working at less than half efficiency for two or more days. This gets adjusted for deadline urgency and overall task level, but it’s consistent enough that I don’t feel terribly guilty about calling in.
I have the same policy now that I am a salaried employee! When I was an hourly one and needed to come in and relieve another shift, I would drag myself in and do several days of less than 100% work because it was more important that I be a body. But now I stay home because it’s more important to me that I contribute meaningful work than just being physically present.
My direct manager has the opposing view, unfortunately, and despite discussing it in the open we still haven’t really reached a place of agreement. This week I stayed home almost every day (I did a half-day in complete quarantine with a laptop inside a storage closet) because I had the flu and we have some employees with immune deficiencies
/young children/older parents they care for and I kind of felt like shit about my choices because she didn’t really acknowledge me all week.
What is the threshold for you to stay home from work without guilt
If I don’t feel like going in. That’s it. That’s the threshold. HOWEVER, that was before I used up all my remaining sick leave with this stupid hysterectomy and six weeks off. So for the next year or so, my threshold will be is it worth burning the leave or not.
Same. I also have stayed home for “probably well enough to be at the office, but definitely not well enough to endure an hour train ride to and from work”
My threshold: Communicability. Am I exposing my coworkers? Might they get this illness? Or bring it home to their children or immuno-compromised partners?
we had a great Dad Gift thread the other day – what about mom gifts? I’m stumped – my mom likes baking (but has EVERYTHING), working out (but returned the nice workout jacket my sister and I got her for mother’s day to get a haircut!), reading (christian fiction only, so I’m…not up on what’s hip there). She hates anything with fragrance. her birthday is today so I already got her the pedicure tool she wanted for that.
what’s the best thing you all have ever gotten your moms (or mother in laws!)
For my mom, I can’t really go wrong with some kind of massage or facial gift certificate at a spa she likes (although with the fragrance issue that might not work for you?).
you know, she has a spa where she gets her nails done! I bet she would like a gift certificate there. good idea!!
I got my mom a Bonavita pourover kettle, even though she doesn’t really drink coffee. It’s just a really nice electric kettle. Fun to pour. She uses it every day for tea and hot chocolate and oatmeal and such. It sounds like a lame gift on paper, but seriously, it’s a really nice kettle.
She also likes to sew, so I got her a book of Japanese dress patterns, but that is pretty specific to her tastes.
Something a little trendy, a little beyond her habits. Several years ago I gave my MIL, who loves jewelry, an ear cuff. She’d never seen such a thing (in her small midwestern town where she socialized only with old people). I showed her how to wear it and we went out to lunch together, each sporting our own ear cuffs.
My go-to mom gifts:
-music that I think she would like, but that she probably hasn’t heard of
-tasteful jewelry
-light yet comfortable sweaters
-nice hand cream
A few years ago I got my mom tickets to see Crosby Stills Nash and Young. She liked that a lot.
Last year, I got her a gift certificate for a mani/pedi and placed it on a table in the TV room, and MrChouffe went through to tidy up the place on Xmas Eve and managed to throw it away.
This year, we’re making a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor.
My mom gardens a lot, so I usually give her muscle-soothing bath salts. This year, I’m giving her that and a card from a charitable donation I made in her name to a rescue center for former child laborers.
I got my mom a nice wool scarf in a colour scheme she really likes. For my mother in law, I generally go with fancy locally roasted coffee from wherever I happen to be living and she always loves that. Sometimes also fancy tea, or fancy chocolate. This reminds me: I need to pick up some Mississippi Mud beans for her before Mr. Chemicaldefect and I go visit in a couple weeks.
My mom has never been interested in “girly” things (hair, make-up, etc.), but we’ve been going to a fancy spa to get massages on our birthdays for the last couple of years. It’s a fun thing to do together, and we usually have a nice lunch or some fancy tea afterwards.
well my nursing pinning ceremony is in three hours
also one hour ago my girlfriend broke up with me
Oh, um, at least everybody will think they are tears of joy?
Congratulations on your nursing milestone.
Boo on the ex. She could have at least waited until after your ceremony before she ruined your day.
Oof. Congratulations and I am so sorry, respectively. Just focus on making it through the ceremony and take it from there. <3
Congratulations on the first! and condolences on the second, I am sorry she chose that time for it, and sorry it happened at all.
Ugh, that sucks. I hope you get through the ceremony ok and can take the rest of the weekend for self care. Congrats on finishing!
Oof. I’m sorry and that’s super tactless. I know it’s really hard, but try to focus on the good for the day? Wallow all you need to tomorrow.
Apparently people need lessons on how not to dump someone in the midst of a celebration (been there with an ex on my birthday), this should be common sense!
Bartender, did YOU go to the Gardner Museum, too? 😉
Hello Toasties!
I cannot believe 2015 is almost over! It has been a very very long year, but it is definitely looking up in the last few months. Our daughter is mostly very happy in her awesome environmental science focused elementary school, and our son has three best friends at preschool and is talking nonstop and is smack dab in the middle of his weight/height curves so all concerns from years ago about his growth are finally set to rest. Things with our long distance SO are lovely, things with our partner have been steadily improving, and our housemate is so pleased with our group living situation that he wants to buy a house (!!!) with us, which is … unforeseen and stunning, since my partner & I could never afford a house on our own.
When I was actually 15 in my body I remember reading some Mercedes Lackey (yes I know!) books in which the love triangle is resolved by a happy poly living situation and I remember thinking, wow, that makes so much sense! Well, none of us are romantically interested in our housemate (or vice-versa), but I have to say, raising kids with *3* adults is just phenomenally awesome and I feel very, very lucky that he is happy to be settled like this with us. My kids adore him and my son in particularly clearly sees him as a parent, since our housemate has been there my son’s entire life.
Today I am a little bit sick, which is annoying because we are going to go help do our daughter’s holiday party & listen to her holiday sing-a-long, but once the kids are in bed we are going to Star Wars with a bunch of people and! If I am too sick? I don’t have to go! I can stay home and drink tea and watch The Tudors! (Except it is kind of horrible, especially compared to Wolf Hall, so I can’t decide whether or not to keep watching it.)
My plan for the new year is to be active on The Toast again because I miss it & all of you!
I have a non-romantic non-sexual life partner in addition to my romantic/sexual one, and it took a long time for us to articulate just what was going on. Like, there’s a script for poly (we are also that), but not for this……thing. But the cool thing I guess is that we can write our own script!
I’m glad you all have found such a terrific living situation, though!
Thank you! I think it is awesome you have found your partner and yes, getting to write your own script is really neat even if also fraught with challenges.
Hooray for happy, healthy kids! And for 3 adults to share house and childcare. And, selfishly, hooray for your return to The Toast threads. I’ve missed all of you.
Thank you! We have missed you too.
Yay, so glad to hear from you! I have been thinking of you. I am glad you are doing well!
Thanks! I am really glad to be back & have the chance to catch up with everyone.
That sounds like a great set-up!
I grew up in an extended family situation (where I was living in the same houses with parents and grandparents, and various aunts and uncles at times), and it was great for me as a kid to have other adults around. And I suspect it makes a BIG difference for parents to have an extra set of hands.
The whole “nuclear family” thing (two parents + kids in a house alone by themselves) is a pretty recent human invention, and it seems kind of isolating and stressful for a lot of my friends who are parents. I bet a lot of them would like a nice roommate who helped out with the kids.
Yes, I was a little worried that when our daughter started kindergarten we would get a lot of weird reactions to our housemate — she draws him when asked to draw pictures of her family & so forth. But the main thing other parents seem to say is ‘Where can I find someone like that??’
Oh my goodness, a Manka gif! My day is made! Nice to see you too. 🙂
This is only a teeny tiny aspect of your post, but oh my, I read a lot of Mercedes Lackey as a teenager, and on a recent reread of some of it I was astonished by how pleasant some of her characters’ relationship models sound. There’s a lot I’ve outgrown about her work, but the exceedingly kind custom-built relationships are just as appealing to me now as they were ten years ago.
Yes, I can definitely see that. There’s a lot about her books which drive me crazy now but I am very glad that we were exposed to all those ideas at such an age that they just seemed like normal options.
Quite agreed!
Has anyone LEEP’d before? I just had my second CIN-1 pap in a row but that’s what my doctor is thinking. The internet is a terrible- even the legit medical pages vary widely on what to expect with a LEEP procedure so I’d love any toast stories.
I’ve had two such procedures. The first in about 2004, & the second in 2012 or so. The procedure improved massively in the interim. The first time was….not painful as much as really, really weird feeling. Even under anaesthetic. And there was a post op side effect of a charred looking vaginal discharge for several days afterward that I wish I would have been prepared for. It totally set off some body issue stuff for me that took months to shake, and I would have had better tools set up in my head to deal with that had I but known.
The second time round, though, none of that. It was far less painful, and healing seemed faster. No discharge, just light spotting for a couple of days.
The second time around we’re you anesthetized? That’s one of the things that’s varying widely! I have a consult booked so I’ll obviously ask my doctor but if I need to ask someone to drive me home I’d like to get that on their radar.
There was local anaesthesic both times, applied by needle. If needles make you woozy that may be a consideration. I had someone accompany me both times, just to be sure. It wasn’t entirely necessary but it sure was nice to have the moral support while bussing home from the clinic.
I had a LEEP procedure done when I was in college after a couple of abnormal paps. (2009, I think, if it helps to reference it time-wise to isabellebleu’s stories.) There may have been local anaesthetic, but I’m not sure. It was uncomfortable but far from unbearable. I’d advise taking some ibuprofen or similar maybe 30 minutes before the procedure. I had some light bleeding/spotting for a few days after, but don’t remember any especial amounts of pain after the procedure was over or during the healing process.
I haven’t had a leep, but have had a colp. I asked my dr for something for situational anxiety, and got a bunch of ativan, which made the thing much more doable. Did the same for IUD. A+, would recommend to anyone.
I had a LEEP last year in December, and I’m scheduled for another one in January this year (boo :((). I think I posted about this in open thread a few weeks ago, but it was quite late…
First, I’m surprised your doctor wants you to have a LEEP with a CIN-1 pap – my doctor suggested that they only recommended me for them because I have some CIN-2 areas. But I guess if it lasts for multiple years they do sometimes recommend it.
Anyways, if you have to have the LEEP, I can give you my perspective on having it done under full anesthesia, in surgery, which is what I did last December. I had really good health insurance at the time and felt very scared/stressed about it, so opted for that.
Basically, I went to the hospital around 11 AM, went through all the paperwork etc., and got changed into the little surgical gown and stuff in a bed, pre-operation. My boyfriend came with me and hung out in that area. Then while we were there, they started the drugs, and the last thing I remember is being wheeled into the surgery area.
Afterwards, I felt woozy from the drugs, but had basically no pain. (You definitely would need someone to drive you home). They gave me a prescription for a painkiller – oxycodone I think, which I filled, but didn’t end up really needing. If I remember correctly, I had some mild cramps and discomfort, but nothing terrible. There’s definitely some ‘discharge’ like other people mentioned (sorry for TMI) but if you’re getting a fever, etc. you should be fine.
My doctor recommended no penetration/tampon use (‘nothing in the vagina’ as they discreetly say) for a month afterwards, and like others have mentioned, it MIGHT cause some stress around that if you do have penetrative sex – it hurt the first few times after I was able to have sex again, but nothing too terrible.
Because I mostly felt bad from the anesthetic and things went so well, I’m planning to do my second one in office, with local anesthetic. I’ll let you know how it goes!
(I’m also planning to ask my doctor for some anti-anxiety drugs beforehand, like someone else mentioned! Like my mom the registered nurse says always says, there’s no reason anyone should have to come into an operation stressed out or crying for anxiety – we have drugs for that!)
Toasties, we got the most darkly hilarious Christmas card from my grandmother-in-law and I must post it somewhere where relatives won’t see it and find my amusement insensitive. (Okay, also posted it to family-free twitter. But Twitter’s a dang void.)
Inside our card, she wrote: “The dog you held when you visited has died. He was old. I am too. Merry Christmas!”
“I am too” was underlined, by the way.
Mr. ksek and I both have 91 year-old, delightfully Catholic grandmas, each of whom will casually refer to their own mortality with a laugh on a regular basis. I hope I can follow in their footsteps as an elderly, much less Catholic great-aunt someday.
… whoa, I am so glad to hear that’s a gleeful acceptance of what we all face, eventually, and not the high-level guilt game I first read it as.
My (mildly obese) grandma once said, “Oh you’re getting a piano? Does it come in a box? Save the box so you can bury me in it!”
We were all shocked into horrified silence. She looked at each of us with gleeful mirth, then burst out laughing. She died long ago (with a traditional casket-and-funeral) and we *still* don’t know if she was serious.
Ha! This one made me lol for sure. My partner received a birthday card this year from his grandparents and it read “We’re not doing so well physically, but we still manage to get out of the house. Happy birthday!”
GRANDPARENTS.
I know everyone is hype for STAR WARS but friends, I saw “Legend” on Wednesday, in which Tom Hardy plays identical twins Reggie and Ronnie Kray, and WOW. I’m not sure how I’d judge it as a movie – it certainly doesn’t pass the Bechdel test or anything and overall was not terribly kind to women. But Tom Hardy’s performance is just off-the-charts amazing, i think he deserves an Oscar nom for it, but I feel like the movie’s gotten so little attention. Did anyone else see it? Thoughts?
I just really really love Tom Hardy. I went home and watched Mad Max again after seeing it.
Oh man I was SO CONFUSED for a second and thought you meant Legend with Tom Cruise and Tim Curry and I was like “ok Tom Hardy was definitely not in that, right? right??”
I am also really into Tom Hardy but had no clue this movie existed, so I am gonna go watch it now! 😀
This poor movie got its date shoved back at least twice, and then had a ridiculously limited release and like no publicity. I was super excited to see it because Tom Hardy and also my tiny boyfriend Taron Egerton (from Kingsman and Testament of Youth), but by the time it came out here in Seattle, it was only in one theater in the whole region, not even in the city proper.
Edit: WAIT! It is in MORE places now! I thought it was over and done with! Hooray, this is great news.
Thank you so much for the info! I was wondering why I went from seeing ads for it during The Daily Show to just radio silence.
*swoops in late* Is someone talking about Legend?
I’ve been psyched about that movie for a while now. Like ever since I heard rumors of it maybe being made. When they cast Tom Hardy it just got worse. Glad to see it lived up to the hype, but now I want it in front of my face so bad.
I saw it today! He is indeed Amazing! And I am indeed now re-watching Fury Road!
I’m so glad you got to see it!
Fury Road, man. It doesn’t matter how many times I see it, I always want to watch it again. I really hope the black-and-white silent version comes out in theaters like they said it might. And the sequels, whenever those may happen, are my Reason for Living.
GUYS HOLY SHIT
Hamilton as Disney animation
this is AMAZING HOLY SHIT
OH MY GOD
Well, Toast-people, Christmas is a strange time to work in retail, so I’m going to be straight up petty about some of the customers I’ve had lately. Other retail Toasts with stories to tell, come sit by me.
My side hustle is selling leggings. Last weekend, I held up a pair of black and white striped leggings for a customer to consider for her daughter. And she said, “Oh no! She’ll look like a little Jew!” And my face, my business partner/best friend said to me, was frozen in silent horror. I had no response. Like when you see striped pants don’t you think referee or Beetlejuice? Not Holocaust?
And I thought the women who come over to tell us “I would never wear leggings. They’re not pants” were bad. No. This is the worst yet.
This is how completely my jaw just dropped:
I hope your silent horror was perceptible. Captain Awkward would recommend a deadpan “…Wow.” and then subject/leggings change.
I keep forgetting this CA-endorsed reaction and it is the perfect thing, maybe my new year’s resolution should be to do this more.
I think I held up another pair and said something like, “How about a floral?”
Christ almighty, the worst yet? I hope it’s the worst ever.
Well, I used to work in retail. So… my expectations are low.
I would have been struck totally silent except for maybe a Jefferson-esque “whaaaat”
I work at a couple of small businesses that sell local foods and wines. I am often the only person on staff in either shop, and they are both sort of specialty stores, so i get all kinds of questions. These are a few that were just weird! Not annoying, not terrible, just surprising.
A couple of women walked in and asked me about two of the sweeter wines carried by the shop, a red and a white. I pointed them out. One of the women asked, do you have something that is like a mixture of these two? I am honestly very confused by this question, like mixture how? Like something between the two in sweetness? They are the same level of sweet. A mix of the grapes? Unlikely. I suggested a sweet blush, which they didn’t like. They bought two reds and left. For myself and one of my regulars that hangs out at the shop, I poured two sample cups mixing the two wines. The mixture just tasted like the red.
We sell cork cages at the wine shop, and have a few set on the wine racks partly filled with corks to show what they are for. A woman picked up a bottle of wine, fished out a cork from a cage, and came up front to pay. As I rang her up I asked her what she planned to do with the cork. “Isn’t it for recorking the bottle after you open it?” I told her she could use the cork that is already in the bottle for that, or buy an inexpensive wine stopper.
At the food store, a man picked up a loaf of bread and proceeded to ask me a lot of questions about it. Is it a white bread? Is it a dense bread or does it have lots of holes in the bread? Etc. I had no idea and told him so, but it was a rustic boule, so I guessed that it had a light airy interior inside a hard crust. He bought two. *shrug*
There is a part of me that is loving Cork Lady because the notion of having a basket full of old, currently un-used corks is just…not something she even considered. Bless you and your practical heart, Cork Lady.
That is a good point! I also cannot intuit the purpose of cork cages, Cork Lady. Your guess is as good as mine.
I worked at Williams-Sonoma for several years of holidays after grad school, and I bless every Christmas that comes on which I don’t have to go near a mall, before or after, in order to pay my bills.
I will never forget the lady who quite literally burst into tears when I told on Christmas Eve that we did not have a particular wine bottle opener in stock. <shudders>
All I have to say is “no, sir, a receipt for a gift certificate is not the same as having the gift certificate and you cannot use a receipt for a gift certificate to exchange for goods or services.”
Somehow most of my stories are totally unconnected to Christmas (my favorite remains the multiple people calling about playpens for their pet turtles), probably because my only stint in retail thus far lasted less than a year.
But I will say that people shopping in women’s clothing sections are The Worst, regardless of store. You can’t leave any displays alone for longer than 15 minutes without coming back to find a very selective hurricane came through and left all your carefully folded shirts wadded up in a giant ball.
It’s like they practice being jerks.
I am comparatively lucky this year. I work in the backroom at large Target (I’d guess the back is at least 50000sqft by itself) now so I never have to venture out on the floor.
Late to the party but here goes. One year I at Christmas I worked in a shop that sold angel stuff. On Christmas eve a man came in and bought a $600 resin angel figurine for his wife. He was clearly very proud of himself, but I had such a hard time selling it to him. I just wanted to yell, “It’s plastic! The jewelry store is two doors down if you must drop that much.” I just couldn’t imagine a bigger waste of money…but I felt that way about most things we sold there.
I just watched the first episode of Jessica Jones and am still waiting for my heart rate to come back down. It was very good, but completely horrifying; I see what other commenters mean about not being able to take much of it at once.
(Re. a comment someone made about women all knowing a man who, if he had Kilgrave’s powers, would use them in that way – I honestly don’t think I do, but am aware that I am an outlier in this. Anyway, I am feeling extremely grateful for this fact, because Kilgrave terrifies me already despite not having yet appeared in person.)
TOASTIES. I have arrived in the second season of Jane the Virgin, and that Femslash Friday post makes SO MUCH SENSE OMG. I love Petra so so much. Even while I also love Rafael and Michael. Basically the people in this show are just too attractive and the chemistry between ALL the characters is so great that I am just confused and delighted and entertained all the time.
#teampetra
SHE’S SO COMPLICATED! She’s got so much going on! She’s beautiful, she’s tough, she’s conniving…she’s a SURVIVOR. I love her.
I look forward to getting there! I’m only halfway through Season 1 because I was waiting for my TV partner to return from Away, and I mentioned the Petra shipping to him and at this stage in the show we are very perplexed at how a lovable character could emerge from the ashes of her plot arc.
TW: brief mentions of sexual abuse & misconduct
So after months of arraignments and continuances, my ex!boss finally plead guilty to 4 counts of solicitation (of a minor, and typing that makes me feel sick every time). Sentencing isn’t until the end of February, but now my actual!boss can move forward with a buyout, removing ex!boss from paperwork, etc, and we can all move one step closer to forgetting this entire shitty situation. We’ve been in this horrible limbo for almost 11 months now, where he’s still legally a part owner of the company, and we have to reassure people that no, he doesn’t make any decisions, etc. It’s been crap.
I feel bad about this, but I’m kind of relieved the papers are continuing to play up the “former youth group volunteer” angle (although they keep saying “youth minister,” which he was not, thank you very much) rather than the “small business owner” angle, because the church handled the whole thing perfectly, and can withstand more negative publicity than our small business can.
Oh, what a wretched situation, and I’m glad it sounds like it’s moving a good resolution.
Don’t feel guilty about the church getting the brunt of the publicity – if nothing else, it should catch the attention of other churches and make them look at screening processes.
There’s mandatory sexual abuse prevention training now for anybody who’s going to volunteer for ministries involving children or the sick/disabled. The rector sent out a parish-wide email as soon as the news broke, explaining the situation and what the church’s internal investigation looked like (and asking for prayers and compassion for everybody involved in the situation).
I know all of this, by the way, because ex!boss and I attended the same church. His lawyer sings in the choir with me. I get more questions about this situation than I would like, although most people are tactful enough not to bother me about it.
all of this sounds terrible, but I’m glad policies were in place to deal with it and the policies were followed. Too many cases of these kinds of things being ignored.
And we have several clergywomen who were in seminary quite recently, so they’re all up to date on the most current sexual abuse prevention and response practices.
Really, this whole thing has been a case of “wow, this is shitty, but I’m so proud of how everyone is handling the situation.”
But man, the first Sunday after the rector’s email was awkward.
Hey Toasties, I was just deferred from the school I really, really fell in love with. I’ve spent the last two days crying; listening to Hole, Sleater-Kinner, and Radiohead; and watching Star Wars. I feel terrible. Being deferred feels like a sick joke (especially when this school only rejected 4% of people early if you think you know which school I’m talking about you’re probably right). Do schools really reread your application or just toss them in the garbage, honestly? I really put my best effort into this application and now I’m thinking of all the tiny things I could and couldn’t change. The problem is that I’m not secure enough in my self-esteem to just shrug it off. I know they didn’t make a mistake and even though I had good enough gpa, test scores, extracurriculars etc. I wasn’t what they wanted. I really, for once in my life, wanted to be good enough and I just wasn’t.
Hey, assuming this is undergrad– please don’t ever feel like your worth is determined by admissions to schools. It’s honestly not about being “good enough,” it’s about fitting a niche that a school has determined it is looking for. And you, in all your unique beautiful and intelligent and creative splendor, are going to fill some school’s– probably many schools’– niche perfectly.
Also, it’s a deferral! There is still hope. And if you’re really super anxious and can deal with the admissions fees– there’s still time to apply to another school or two. That’s what I did after my undergrad deferral from my “dream” school, and I ended up finding a second “dream” school in my search.
It’s honestly not about being “good enough,” it’s about fitting a niche that a school has determined it is looking for.
That’s true of graduate programs, too. We’ve outright denied perfectly wonderful applicants because their areas of research don’t align with our current faculty.
“I wasn’t what they wanted. I really, for once in my life, wanted to be good enough and I just wasn’t.”
It seems to me:
Not what they want =/= Not good enough
You are more than good enough. You might not be what they want. Maybe your variety of more-than-good-enough is not a good fit there. Why not see it that way? Think of historically intelligent, creative people. Then mentally place them in some of today’s institutions. Aren’t there some who would reject these brilliant stars? And wouldn’t this person be a poor fit in some of them, without being any less wonderful?
And how do you know they didn’t make a mistake? You admit your self-esteem has room for improvement. I submit that your discernment in this instance is likely inadequate.
Institutions, especially old ones and big ones, make mistakes all the time. Their processes are often arcane and wrong-headed. If they cannot see your worth, they do not deserve you. i believe that. I know you don’t. Not yet. You will one day.
I am sorry you are hurting. I’m not saying you’re wrong to be in pain. I understand. I wish I could make you feel better. For what it’s worth: This stranger on the internet believes in you. ::Toasthugs::
I used to work adjacent to admission offices at several universities and I want you to know that schools like that get so many great applications. Especially early admissions. They’re literally all great. You are great. Admission officers almost certainly agree that you’re great, if they didn’t they would have rejected you instead of deferring you! They don’t want to keep you on the line if they don’t think you’d be a good match for the school, they would have set you free to fall in love with another school. Why didn’t you get accepted instead of deferred? I don’t know. Will you get accepted later? I don’t know that either. (They will reread your application though.) I have known several peeps who have gotten accepted to great schools after being deferred. I also know several people who have transferred into their dream school after being rejected and completing a year elsewhere. I know this is not something you want to think about right now but I also know TONS of people who got rejected from their dream school and then thanked their lucky stars for that rejection because they loved the school they ended up at.
Assuming you’re referring to the school I think you’re referring to, they deferred and then accepted one of my friends last year. Rare, but it happens. (She was also accepted to Harvard and awarded a full ride at a public university. Deferral doesn’t say much about your chances in the regular admissions round, there & at other schools.)
Like RoseCamelia said, though, not what they want ≠ not good enough! I think we tend to see admission to American colleges as a perfectly meritocratic system, and the universities themselves promote this image. But there are so many problems with that. According to an article in the Harvard Crimson, one out of every twenty freshmen attended one of seven high schools. Affirmative action is a step in the right direction, in my opinion, but as far as I know, economic diversity isn’t given the same weight. It’s not always as obvious as low-high income either — think of cultural capital, which might include exposure to the sorts of opportunities and ideas that look good on an application. (I could also talk for ages about how test prep classes and private admissions counselors make things worse, but then this comment would never end.) Basically, my point is that it’s impossible for admissions committees to see you in /context/ — the context of every experience, every /choice/ that built your current character. They’re evaluating a list, not a person, and of course privilege factors into those lists.
I hope this helps… I have a Lot of Thoughts re: college but might not be explaining well right now, sorry. I’m also a high school senior; I know the stress. But I believe in you, and I think you’ll go somewhere & do amazing things, regardless of which “somewhere” it happens to be. Also, go watch Admission (the movie with Tina Fey). It’s lovely 🙂
College admissions are NOT a measure of your worth. No application process is. It’s a school, and it probably has some great stuff you would love and some intolerable bullshit and corruption you would hate. And you could probably build a very decent life by going to any community college and following your interests: thousands have.
This is not your future. It’s one teeny little moment of possibility to be replaced by other possibilities in pretty quick time. No decision point other than “hey, should I kill someone?” probably is especially determinative of your future being open-ended. For reals. Take it from an old.
“And you could probably build a very decent life by going to any community college and following your interests: thousands have.”
I have! Community College saved me a boatload of bucks and was the nurturing environment I needed before heading off to a Huge State University.
My last two Friday posts were me angsting anxiously, so this week I’m going to be happy. This week, my folks and my sister and I are going to put up the tree and see Star Wars and it’s going to be nice. And also I joined a superhero RP on TV Tropes (don’t laugh) so that should be fun.
Ooo I didn’t know that TV Tropes had an RP going. Is it play by post?
I was so caught up in thoughts of Tom Hardy that I forgot to talk about the Chanukah present my girlfriend sent me (we’re long-distance). It was 8 little presents, 1 for each night –
1. A card with two otters holding hands, which she bought before we even started dating because it made her think of me.
2. Earrings that look a bit like planets, because “I can feel your pull on me even across the country.”
3. A Starbucks gift card for the exact price of my favorite drink.
4. Gloves, “because I’d have to be Elastigirl to hold your hand from here.”
5. An 8tracks mix.
6. Half of two pairs of earrings – a ship’s helm and an anchor. She has the other half of both pairs.
7. HELLA GELT and dreidels.
8. A series of notes that ended with “i love you, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life” (we hadn’t said that thing before).
YOU GUUUUYS. I DON’T DESERVE THIS UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING PARTNER.
We met in my sophomore year of college and liked each other, but I was deep into a bad relationship with someone else. The next semester, I studied abroad, and she studied abroad the spring after that. When school started again and I was finally out of the bad relationship, I was like “I really hope something can happen between us now” and then I learned that she had transferred.
We were like….internet friends who said flirty things to each other for 3 years after that, and I had other relationships and crushes but always just lowkey liked her? And I wanted to talk to her more but wasn’t sure how to be like “hey, let’s be way closer friends than we are now.” Finally I just started texting way more, and suggesting that we watch movies together over Skype, and it grew to the point where we decided to date even though we’re 3000 miles apart.
(Meanwhile I still haven’t even mailed her her birthday present, because I am the WORST and have a terrible anxiety-block around going to the post office.)
This is the cutest story ever!
Also “I can feel your pull on me even across the country” has killed me dead.
Oh my godddddd aaaahh
Someone needs to write this movie RIGHT NOW.
You can use the package mailing kiosk at the PO and drop the box in the giant package mailbox and never talk to an employee.
Or print priority mail postage online and schedule a pickup.
It’s honestly not even talking to the employees that gets to me (though that’s definitely part of it). There are just so many STEPS and I am a being of pure anxiety and executive dysfunction, so whenever I’m faced with a task that involves multiple steps (find her address! find an envelope! write the address ON the envelope! find a time to go to the post office! talk to the person!) I tend to shut down and just, uh, never do things.
KEEP HER.
If I wasn’t already lying down I would legit pass out over how romantic this is. SWOON CITY!!
p.s. As someone who also has serious post office issues, I get it. I don’t know where you’re located but I’ve been meaning to try Shyp bc my understanding is they come pick up the package from you and mail it and bypass all that post office stuff! Also one of my friends is a taskrabbit and one of the tasks she does sometimes is take people’s mail to the post office!
What an amazing internet age we live in. I might check that out! What is it about the post office, of all things?
So I don’t remember if I saw this linked in a roundup here or on Reddit, but this article: https://medium.com/matter/the-meme-ification-of-m… is a good look at the things about mainstreamed “misandry” that have been rubbing me the wrong way lately. Thoughts?
Oh, I wish I hadn’t missed open thread yesterday because of work, I have so many thoughts about that article!
I have been slightly defensive of that meme because before this piece, the only criticisms I heard were from defensive white dudes. The kind who also whine about the phrase ‘kill whitey’. And I think that making silly and hyperbolic comments about privileged people who ruin your day, be they men, or white people etc, is a legitimate means of expressing frustration even if it doesn’t end patriarchy or white supremacy at large. That meme is an outlet, not a political strategy. It doesn’t seem fair to condemn it for not being a means of dismantling patriarchy.
This piece makes a lot of great points about race/violence in particular, because nothing irks me more than watching white feminists ignore intersectional experiences of violence. I have no doubt that a bunch of white women who jumped on the #killallmen bandwagon are in that class of white feminists and homogenize men without regard for race, class, ability etc.
I also think that this meme cannot be reduced to that demographic. I’m curious to see where this conversation goes.
Has anyone taken an older relative to see Hamilton? I’d love to take my grandpa when it comes to Chicago but I wouldn’t want it to be an exercise in frustration for him with fast raps and many characters (he’s pretty sharp and loves American history, which is the impetus here, but listening to the soundtrack alone, it took some work for me to piece it all together!)
I’m currently on page 2.5 of an 8-page french paper I’m writing on La Princesse de Clèves which is due at midnight, and I have an art history final at 9am tomorrow which I haven’t started studying for, and I need to pack because I’m moving out of this apartment tomorrow…send help
Make flashcards for the art history final. Spend an hour working on the paper, then 20 mins of flash cards, then 20 mins of packing. Repeat until the paper is done, then focus on packing with breaks every 40 mins or so for flashcards. Take a deep breath- you CAN do this.
I would if I’d ever actually read the Princesse when I was meant to. if it helps, it is totally possible to write many essays on it without ever reading it.
Yes, it *is* possible to completely bullshit an essay on La Princesse des Cleves. Es_Petal and I did it. So can you, achemicaldefect.
A decade later, I picked up La Princesse to read it without pressure. Did not enjoy. Dropped it after forcing myself to give it a chance for three chapters.
part of the problem is that I actually did read it and now have TOO MUCH material and I don’t wanna go through the process of picking out the most salient points
Toasts! 2015’s been an up-and-down year, but at least things are looking good at the end of it. And I don’t know if it’s very uniquely fabulous, but after I come back to New York from visiting the family for Christmas, I’m going to see Die Fledermaus at the Met. I’ve never seen it before, and I just impulse-bought a ticket for the night before New Year’s Eve, and if that requires a little retail therapy for new operagoing clothes, well: so be it.
I did that one New Year’s at the Met! It was so much fun. Hope you have a great time!
Hey Toasties–I posted a few times last week in the interest of being less shy and trying to get involved in the community, but unfortunately I come to you this week with a heavier issue and hope that you all will have some wisdom. This will almost certainly identify me to any of my IRL friends who are reading (of which I’m guessing there are a few), but hi friends!
So, I got mugged this week…putting the rest under the cut so I don’t trigger anyone.
I’m unharmed, and the whole thing happened really fast and they barely touched me. So as far as muggings go, it was really a best-case scenario. I was in a relatively safe part of my city and it was still early, so I was able to find an open restaurant to get help really quickly. The whole thing has been a pain, cause there is just SO MUCH to do to start putting things back together, so many customer service lines to call and sit on hold, etc.
But I’m also just feeling sort of cruddy about it still. I think I’m probably putting too much pressure on myself to be the badass, single lady living in my city who isn’t scared, or I don’t know what. I feel bad for talking all of my friends’ ears off over it, even though they have been SO supportive. I sort of feel bad for not being Jessica Jones and just having stood there like a deer in the headlights when it all went down, even though I know that in real life you really should just hand over your stuff and let it all happen.
I’m also pissed, cause there were still a lot of pedestrians around, and I’m almost positive that if I were a man, or were walking with a man, this would not have happened.
Anyone else been through anything similar?
I haven’t, but you survived, and are physically unhurt, yes? So that means you did just the right things, and deserve a gold star. Several gold stars. And a new, super-nice purse to put them in.
If you have any access to counselling – maybe an Employee Assistance Programme through work – I wonder whether a couple of sessions would help.
I’ve been robbed a couple of times; and the violation was hard to work through.
*gentle hugs*
I’m so, so glad you’re okay.
Thanks–I’m definitely physically unharmed, and even managed to memorize the license plate of the car as it drove away, which seemed to surprise the cops. I think I’ll probably be proud of that once I’m a bit less in shock.
I’m definitely going to see if my old therapist might have time for a session or two with the holidays approaching. The gentle hugs are appreciated.
I’m glad you’re physically unharmed, and so so so impressed you got the plate number! That is A+ badass, right there. I hope you can find pride in that once the shock wears off.
Damn, girl!! Memorizing the license plate is full-on badass when just surviving and being okay and not getting killed is total heroism. Not to mention having to deal with the police, which is harrowing of itself post-trauma. And definitely contact your therapist. That’s what they are there for and I would be shocked if time is not made for you.
Sending uber-gentle hugs and full props for being courageous and touch and strong.
I haven’t been mugged, and I’m so sorry it happened to you. I have had my house robbed while we were out of town, which while possibly worse financially, was not that scary. I’ll tell you, it took several weeks to stop being annoyed at the stupidity of the world, but now I hardly ever remember it, except when I miss a particular piece of jewelry. Time, the great healer, etc., etc.
Carlo Crivelli and his cucumbers. I mean, really, of all the things to choose for your “signature.” Cucumbers? What are you trying to tell us, Carlo Crivelli?
That whimsy is a vital part of any serious artistic endeavor.
Okay but that cucumber. http://crivelli.gardnermuseum.org/works-upclose#-…
Last month my friends and I attended an event that celebrated the opening of the Carlo Crivelli exhibition at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (heyyo Boston), and they had cucumber drinks. There was a loud group discussion of this exact cucumber for at least 10 minutes.
Here’s another one: http://crivelli.gardnermuseum.org/works-upclose#-…
This one was by far the most blatant dick joke in the exhibition.
Like I understand wanting to have a funky signature thing that you add to all your paintings, and it’s nice to demonstrate your skill by painting a fruit without religious significance, but seriously, grow up, Carlo.
Adulting is hard, and lacrosse mom is a hard job, and more in the comments because this will be long and I’ll try to be polite.
Does anybody remember two weeks ago when we were talking about using the phrase “radical feminist” and putting it on a T-shirt and somebody suggested making a nice wire-wrapped necklace or something? Well, I can’t remember exactly the phrase, my memory says it was something different than just “radical”? does anybody remember what?
So basically we have two moms coaching (me and yvette’s mom) and no other coach. And no guy coach who has actually played to help and be the guy who chases the kids out of the locker room, etc. We are also kicked out of the good gym and even the BAD gym except right after school, which won’t be possible for me if I get into school and won’t be possible for my co-coach at all. So I am screwed for coaching 6 ways from sunday. ANd I was feeling so positive about being more prepared this year.
Also, waiting to hear if I’m in grad school or not is hard. Made even more so by the fact that my parents said “sign up for obamacare and we’ll pay”, which hits deep in the “by 45 I should be able to at least support myself if not myself and my children” guilt. So I signed up and I’m trying to deal with the fact that my parents are saving my butt and if I didn’t have them I’d be homeless and not have my kids. That won’t happen, but it seriously sucks because I know other women aren’t as lucky.
AND work is a giant clusterfuck of which I can whine from here until tuesday but seriously it’s hard to deal with. Small government comes with every attitude and entitlement and drama you can imagine, and then some, it’s very much the stereotype.
Also, I’m feeling mixed about grad school because see above, I feel like i just consciously decided to continue being poor and living off my parents and siblings for 3 more years, and is that my right to do? It would be so nice to pretend I could get a job to live on and start paying things off, even though knowing that i’m delusional to expect that while stuck in this town doesn’t make it better.
AND something happened that I’ve simply been DYING to have happen, which is that my archaeology advisor emailed me hoping I could do some contract work on the site I did my research on. Except I’ve turned in my application and when I told X, x had to email me issues that mean x can’t work with grad students which means I CAN”T DO THE WORK I”VE WANTED TO DO for a year and a half, while I sit around waiting to see if there’s a chance in hell I’ll even get away with starting school in 2 weeks after applying a month late.
In short, once again everything is up in the air and I’m not even going into the shit with the x.
And it’s solstice depression time, birthday time, and feel-guilty-about-not-working time. ugh.
Oh, also, this antidepressant is the best thing ever, it works better than any other, but today I called my doc’s office crying and left a message because 1. my hair is falling out (I used to have hair so thick it was hard to get a brush through. There is less than half of that now, after a year). 2. it makes me sweat. Not a little. Like, I can’t put on makeup because it takes three tries before I have applied enough that it won’t just slide off from the sweat. If I sit in a crowded room I get so much sweat I have visible under-boob sweat, my back is soaked, I can’t be in groups.This is bad. I also can’t work out, because literally 5 minutes into ANYTHING, even yoga, I’m sweating so much that I can’t open my eyes without wiping my face. These sound minor, but I can’t ignore them anymore. ALso, I can’t coach if I can’t see my team for all the sweat.
I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time right now. God. That’s just rough.
Someone responded to my desire for a collar tattoo that said “Feminist Killjoy” with a wire necklace…was that what you’re remembering?
YES!! Thank you!!
Gooooooods I’m always late to things like this.
And I still don’t have a proper account here.
And I feel kind of like the scared kid I was ten years ago, just noticing the girl across from me on the bus was reading Pratchett and wanting to talk but not knowing how to start. (And ultimately that friendship turned horrendous and toxic and nearly killed me, so… not the best of feelings to be revisiting.)
But you were all very kind when I had a minor meltdown about how hard being poly is, a month ago, and I just wanted to say that things are on their way to being very much well with myself and my spouse. I wouldn’t have had the fortitude to talk with them (they use both they and she, but have used they more often lately) as frankly as I have if you all hadn’t been so kind. Spouse IS willing to see a therapist, but is also insisting that they’ll probably be fine once they’re back on testosterone, which… it was only a temporary brainweasel-repellent for me, so I’m not holding my breath. But I’m on meds that work, mostly, and I am trying to find a therapist for myself as well.
On a less downer note (and okay yes also because the videogame thread seems really, really current-gen-oriented this week)… they grew up with videogames while my parents didn’t let a console in the house until I was eighteen, so I have a LARGE backlog; we’re playing through Final Fantasy 5 together now. I wish I’d had the chance to play this game as a kid. Mostly because GLORIOUS PIRATE MONARCH OF MY HEART I mean Faris. What I’d have given, to have someone even just a little like I am now to look up to! (My hair would’ve definitely ended up a tragic shade of magenta at some point, but… I feel like Bel Thorne maybe wasn’t the healthiest character to latch onto as a baby genderqueer person, and Mx Pirate King is just. Wonderful, even if the writing around them is kinda clumsy at points and oh my god Gilgamesh is an ass.)
I just sat on a manspreader on the train and he got up and moved. Happy Friday to you all!
You are our hero!
I have hope for the new year. Thank you.
Two good things:
My aunts were in town last weekend. They are both the coolest ever. We went to a craft show and I found out that my one aunt takes her neighbor kid to COMIC CON when it’s in Chicago! She’s amazing. (I’m 45, the neighbor kid is a surrogate grandkid).
Also, my daughter just read Monstrous Regiment, I’m so proud, although the 7th graders really didn’t understand it much. She loved it and has been talking about it with me. She is a discworld addict already. (this kid has avoided reading harry potter–she just went right to the hard stuff, ha ha!)
The highschool boy has a job. He is proud.
You’re a good mom. A good mom with cool aunts.
So many of you toasties commented on my post the other day on the link roundup about my horrible date with the guy who argued about my being a feminist with me. And I don’t know if it’s a thing to go back and write day late responses to everyone (some of them came in when I couldn’t be active on the thread bc of work meetings and life) but really, to everyone who wrote and commiserated and offered positive stories and cat pictures, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart (which is very large tonight post Star Wars).
That guy made me so upset and feel so powerless and frustrated and did SUCH a number on me and it was amazing how much better I felt after “talking” with you all.
Giant hugs to you all <3
Hi toastfolk! I am typing this from an airport again, in Frankfurt now. Thanks for all the recs! I visited so many of them; Zabar’s, Union Square, H&H, Brooklyn Bridge Park, McNallyJackson and had some really photogenic walks (the Upper West Side! also briefly walked around Cobble Hill!). Time constraints, tardiness, and being extremely sheltered/shyish meant that I couldn’t make the time to visit some of the other spots. I very much appreciated having so many stars on my Google Map though. I’d love to return to say the leeast!
I was also at the Städel yesterday! Which was great. I have no formal art education, but it also happened to be a great primer, I think! (and I loved that one with the Hammershoi paintings, yes)
I also visited Koblenz with my dad. It got foggy atop the fortress, which I thought was pretty atmospheric (he didn’t seem to appreciate it as much).
Also! I’d like to recommend the Cabana scent at the Hudson Apothecary pop-up (it’s a holiday-only popup, I think!) in Union Square (I may have said that I would return the next day to get the Cabana soap bars, which was sold out, and may feel weird about not doing so despite knowing that I’m just one out of a million passing through!).
I am literally about to enter the plane now so thanks again, Toasties! You’re all rad.
Eh, people (or ancillaries, evidently!) do out-there stuff when they are wild with grief. I didn't see that as too far-fetched a desire for revenge.
I'm glad that the actual resolution didn't involve using the gun, though, and it was more nuanced in its impact.
Ooo! Now I need to find it. I literally decided to read these books 5 days ago based on comments here I like space opera in the Bujoldian sense of character development – Weber and "how big is your photon cannon" bores me to tears – so I'm a bit wary of the genre.
So now I have devoured them all, and I now have to read around all the reviews and associated material.