- Set goal: vacuum the living room.
- Vacuum. Did I say that already? Have you done it? I didn’t think so.
- Wait—don’t get ahead of yourself! Plug in vacuum cleaner and leave it in center of living room. As a reminder.
- Check email. Sorry, check inbox—don’t open any emails.
- Decide which email to open. (You may need to turn on stereo for this.)
- Turn on stereo and insert CD.
- Play old recording of The Shadow.
- Imitate Lamont Cranston’s Shadow laugh.
- Grow confident enough to open emails.
- Pick one that doesn’t look scary.
- They all look scary. Go vacuum.
- Vacuum one quarter of area rug, then stop to
- Admire the strength of your vacuum’s “brushroll” feature and how nice the rug looks, like the one from your childhood bedroom. Become nostalgic and
- Change CD. Listen to an old Broadway show. Pretend your area rug is a stage and dance about.
- Have you showered yet? What is it going to take?
- Take nightgown off. Run shower.
- Turn on radio. Damn, it’s “Car Talk.”
- Turn shower off.
- Put nightgown back on.
- Hate self.
- Decide to sit down, that you may hate self in comfort. As long as you are sitting down,
- Check email. Find something that looks good. Open.
- Stare at email from a friend telling you she’s landed a Broadway show.
- Vacuum toddler’s area rug.
- Plot vanishing into thin air.
- Make first attempt, by sitting very still.
- Fail. Continue to exist in desk chair.
- Notice song bird on branch of tree outside window and hum “Green Finch and Linnet Bird.”
- Check shelf to see if you still have original cast recording of Sweeney Todd.
- You do, but decide not to go there today.
- Go to kitchen sink to wash dishes.
- Spot coffee maker and realize that’s the problem, you need more caffeine.
- Remember ulcer. Hunt for Tagamet.
- Wash Tagamet down with coffee.
- Scribble note to call stomach doctor.
- Scribble note to find business card of stomach doctor.
- Find business card of stomach doctor in china bowl on credenza reserved for most precious things.
- Wonder how card got there.
- Put card in center of desk. As a reminder.
- Remember dinner. It is 11:45 already and you’ve purchased no lentils.
- Write grocery list.
- Break down items into several lists, because you can’t find all the items at one shop. Each list should represent a different shop on Broadway. Not the “Broadway” on which your friend is about to be starring. The one uptown, with all the grocery stores.
- When phone rings, turn list over so you may use it to take message.
- Let machine take message.
- Forget about dinner. Decide to feed soul, so
- Visit newspaper basket.
- Become disgusted by pile of unread dead trees.
- Vow to stop print subscription to The New York Times.
- Break vow because scent of dead tree newspapers—so cozy!
- Remember recycling reduces carbon footprint.
- Sort newspapers. Refuse to throw out any section that piques interest. Yes you will have time to read after putting toddler to bed. Yes you WILL!
- Remember that you didn’t DVR Stephen Colbert.
- Remember that you don’t know how to use DVR.
- Text husband and remind him to DVR Stephen Colbert when he returns.
- Receive reply text from husband telling you to leave note on his desk.
- Discover favorite pen on husband’s desk and hide it in your top drawer, where you find
- A store credit from Bloomingdales that has been there so long it’s depreciated from 150 dollars to 37 cents.
- Scribble note to self to go to Bloomingdales tomorrow. Which reminds you of perfume.
- Apply perfume. Suffer asthma attack.
- Search house for inhaler.
- Hopped up on Albuterol and anxiety about others passing you by in life, try to leave house to pick up child from school.
- Hunt for Metrocard.
- Panic.
- At last find Metrocard in vacuum cleaner.
- Remember that no good deed, not even vacuuming, goes unpunished.
- Vow never to vacuum again.
- By same logic, vow never to do anything again.
- Conquer executive function disorder!
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