- Hair falling over someone’s eyes
- Garden-variety cruelty
- Someone who regularly stays up too late and acts tired and withdrawn during the day as a result
- Just straight-up bad at listening
- Repeatedly checking phone during conversation
- Dislikes/criticizes everything without ever once justifying a position or explaining why they do like something
- Owns the same books as I do
- Offers rides without my asking
- “If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship”
- Finishes drinks at a similar pace
- Sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms
- That little bump of hair behind where your bangs go some women wore back in like 2002, but only in 2002
- Wants me to approve of them
- Refuses to approve of me
- Willingness to hang out
- Says “right on” instead of “okay” or “mm-hmm” to show they’re listening
- Always seems like they just woke up
- Talks a lot about subjects I know nothing about so I always think of them as smart but they might be making it all up
- Refuses to emotionally engage in any argument so as to always preserve an air of emotionless and serene detachment
- Leaves town a lot
- That’s it, I don’t make any more mistakes than that
Replying to an e-mail within a week in an LDR.
“Sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms” is the # 1 personality trait I look for though
My husband has awesome forearms, is all I will say here.
The only thing hotter than sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms is the act of rolling up the sleeves to reveal the forearm.
Swoon.
Reader, I married him.
I was all set to smugly refute this list until I got to sleeves rolled up, which is possibly why I married my husband.
okay, I’m having a crappy day, but I remember trying in vain to explain to some of my friends in college the hotness of sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms and once again I feel like you are all my people.
Yes! I have tried multiple times to explain to real-life acquaintances about forearms and they always look at me like I have two heads. I am SO RELIEVED to find a group of like-minded (two-headed?) individuals at The Toast!
I am totally mystified that there could be lovers of men anywherewho do not intuitively understand the siren allure of forearms.
This is a category that does not compute. It’s like loving men and yet not loving the way they look in dress pants. INCONCEIVABLE.
Honestly they look way better in dress pants than they do unclothed! I would totally pay for erotica that was just well-dressed men undoing their collars/ unsleeving themselves.
Or in a plaid button-up/henley. I basically want a fancy lawyer guy or a lumber jack, there is no in-between when it comes to forearm ogling.
I also feel this way about certain kinds of heavier/muscular women.
Last ex- boyfriend before I switched to girls pushed his sleeves up to reveal forearms and I still feel vaguely wobbly thinking about it.
(Autocorrect wants to make that “firearms”, which, NO.)
My best guy friend had no idea that this was A Thing, and I believe I did him and the world a service by enlightening him. “Roll cuff” is now a term we’ll bandy about, like: “Wee_rams, I totally rolled cuff last night at the bar! I think it worked…I got a number!”.
I told my friends I was going to start a support group for people who are unreasonably turned on by people with rolled-up shirtsleeves and everyone wanted to join. I don’t know why the forearm is so sexually attractive but it is and we cannot fight it.
I had been seeing this guy, and one time I told him that rolled up sleeves to reveal forearms was my weakness. It is written, it is known. The next party we went to, he arrived with his forearms showing.
Yes, I slept with him that night and I give the rolled up sleeves most of the credit.
My best male friend is the worst wingman, but he did once do me the favor (while spectacularly blackout drunk) of telling a guy I thought was absolutely perfect looking that I thought it was really attractive when guys rolled their sleeves up. Jewish Clark Kent then rolled up his sleeves and I was done for. However I’ve got NO GAME so that’s tragically the end of the story.
For a second I was like “Maybe rolling up my sleeves at work to hide that they aren’t long enough is sexy instead of sloppy looking!” Then I was like “Oh, no it’s mainly attraction for men doing it, *sigh*.” I have re-resigned myself to looking sloppy but not giving a crap.
Sleeves rolled up to reveal forearms – right on!
Why is this the most attractive thing (non-hair-in-eyes division)? It’s the best. People who do this clearly love me, it’s so good.
I had to go look up a picture… Yes! When Wesley has that perfect face with his hair falling in his eyes he does indeed also have his sleeves rolled up (although past the elbows I think. Ignoring that.)
I do this and I think it’s partially because it’s more comfortable and partially because I find it attractive on other people and am always attempting to emulate the things that attract me under the assumption that those things will also attract… those people I guess? Who knows.
I refuse to relinquish a trait like beautiful bangs in their eyes to a mundane force like gravity.
entirely too apropos
“Someone who regularly stays up too late and acts tired and withdrawn during the day as a result”
Wait is this attractive to some people? Someone should really introduce me to those people!
Oh definitely, most anxious-attaching people will totally read that as a sign of love. Of course they’ll also go crazy trying to figure out your Seekrits but that aside…
Actually this whole thread just makes me want to tell everyone everywhere to go read Emily Nagoski at The Dirty Normal, these are actual real phenomena backed up with Science!!
brb
Me! Hi! Although a lot of that is because I love cuddle-napping.
I forget to prepare people food and live entirely off foraged snacks, so I’m a super cheap date AND my energy level is a mysterious and exciting surprise as the day goes on!
Mysterious and exciting surprises that often involve napping are among my favorite mysterious and exciting surprises.
One day I’ll meet someone also out running errands during the Saturday 8am hour* and I’ll just … be so smitten…
*major caveat: Not at a Farmer’s Market (this is actually a dealbreaker)
This describes me during high school/ college. It turns out that with enough rest I’m the kind of person who really loves tiny dogs and befriends little old ladies.
Oh my god the hair bump thing. I remember in high school it got so bad it looked like some girls had dorsal fins on their heads.
Smells like sex and the outdoors, clearly doing it on purpose to attract me.
Has a voice that seems to roll just slightly slower than a voice usually does – an indisputable indicator that they are so overpowered by their attraction to me that it is an effort just to squeeze words out.
Drives well – obviously they are showing off their control of a vehicle purely to impress me, not for any not-wishing-to-die-in-a-wreck reasons.
Enjoys spending time with dogs, showing this is a warm and loving person, not in any way someone who has the same response to dogs that 80% of the population does.
Holds my gaze when speaking to me, this is self-evidently a sign of romantic interest and not what humans do to show they are listening.
Ugh that last one! How many of my daydreams have been inspired by someone just holding eye contact with me rather than looking away shiftily (which is my MO)? Answer: All of them.
I think my crush on Derek Waters from Drunk History is 85-90% due to the way he looks at people when they are talking to him.
Says “right on” instead of “okay” or “mm-hmm” to show they’re listening
OH GOSH Mallory. OH GOSH.
I did not know people this side of the seventies actually said “right on” until I met my friend’s friend who lives here in L.A. – I always thought “right on” was like “far out” (people don’t still say that, do they?!)
Right on
I say “got it” a lot. Should I switch to “right on”? Is “check” okay or horribly offputting?
Off-putting!
“Affirmative”?
When I was a kid my dad went through a phase of replying “affirmative” or, God help us, “negative,” and now that I’m older than my mom was then, I truly don’t know how she managed not to strangle and/or abandon him.
Also I have to confess that sometimes I will say “I heard you say that, and I agree”… WHY do I do this? I could just say “yes”!
If you’re considering move away from the perfectly serviceable “got it”, why not switch to “indubitably”? Or better yet, enthusiastic finger-guns?
I started experimenting with “Dope!” yesterday, in a completely unrelated development.
Good thinking using the quotation marks, there.
“Dope” refers to two totally different drugs at the opposite end of the how-concerned-should-I-be scale, so it always unnerves me when someone uses the word in pretty much any context.
My husband uses the whistle-and-click from The Fantastic Mr. Fox, occasionally accompanied by finger guns. If you’re going for tweet enthusiasm, Wes Anderson is a great style choice.
At least you’re not saying “I heard you say that (paraphrase of whatever was said), and I agree.”
Argh, my old boss used to say both “got it” and “gotcha” all the time and it drove me nuts. And then of course I picked it up from her, so I drove myself nuts.
YOU BETCHA
I used to say just plain old “right” until my dissertation supervisor nearly lost her shit and snapped at me that it sounded like I was telling her I already knew everything she was trying to tell me. Now I just kind of grunt.
Ugh, verbal pet peeve: when people will say “Yeah yeah yeah!” before you even finish your sentence. Not like a sarcastic “yeah yeah yeahhh” but still so annoying.
That little bump of hair behind where your bangs go some women wore back in like 2002, but only in 2002
It is really upsetting to me that I don’t know what this is describing.
I believe she’s referring to Bumpits (not to be confused with armpits).
Bumpits are kind of farther back on the head, though, and they peaked in 2010 and are still uncomfortably popular among prom queens and collegiate cheerleaders. The 2002 thing was like this little blumpy bit at the front of your head secured with either a clear elastic or Bobby pins if you were a wizard.
No, it’s at the front of the head – extra bangs BEHIND your bangs, kind of like this:
All the cool girls at my middle school did this, it continues to mystify me.
Oh I thought she was talking about this thing:
Except with bangs in front of it.
Tbh I’m still jealous of the hair crimping, the coolest girl in my third grade did it for a choir concert and I have _imprinted_.
Now I’m never going to be able to stop thinking of bumpits as bum-pits. Like the human body has armpits and bumpits and whateverpits.
Technically, just *a* bumpit…
I know, I know, I’m the pits (ALL of them) and will hang myself in shame on my way out…
Is it one or two? After all, there’s two legs intersecting with one bum. This is why I can’t sleep: When does a staircase become a diagonal? When does a singular bumpit become plural? At first I typed “pleural” which would be a bit odd anatomy-wise.
Google hair quiff. I don’t think that’s exactly it, I think it’s the thing where you pull your bangs back but then push them forward a little before pinning them, so that you get a little hill of hair in the front.
But I think the hair quiff photos are compelling enough, there are some sexy folks there.
I HOPE she isn’t talking about a quiff bc I have one right now as I type this, it’s the only way I know how to do my hair when my fringe gets long ok
I also do this when my hair is growing out!
I don’t think it’s the pinned-back quiff sort of thing, only because I don’t recall people doing that in combo with bangs. “Behind where your bangs go” implies that bangs are also involved. But I also hope I’m correct because I still do that sometimes too! It’s one of the only ways I know of to sexy up a ponytail.
MALLORY WE NEED A RULING
AGREED! Mallory, please help!
That Topanga hair bump is NOT 2002, is it?! That’s pretty solidly early 90s in origin?!
[ETA: Googling “2002 women hair” is no help.]
I’m glad somebody gets my thing for really tired looking people who also never seem to get riled up about anything.
Also tired/sleepy looking guys who always address you in a gruff sort of manner, but not in a mean way. So hot.
My favorite word to describe that type of person is “laconic.”
This explains Harrison Ford’s WHOLE CAREER.
YES OH MY GOD
I am that person, so it is good to know my apathy is attractive to at least some people out there.
Right? Some people appreciate our calm indifference!
There’s a certain kind of baggy eye that conveys sleepy calmness that is my kryptonite.
Especially when paired with forearms.
Sleepy Calmness + Forearms. Yes. This is pretty much most of what I want from a romantic interest. They wouldn’t even have to engage. Just to say something sleepily once and while, maybe a joke or two and to be aware of the fact that we’re going out.
I just realized that I 100% assume a sleepily calm romantic partner with good forearms will give me footrubs without being asked to. I don’t know why I have this idea.
“If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship”
Oh, hello there, 1998-2007. How bemusing to see you again.
Good years, those were.
See also: “Willing to adapt all my tastes so we have similar ones”
UGHHHHH YES. I own a really expensive mountain bike that I have ridden like 12 times?
I might have made previous boyfriends read a lot of 18th c. novels as it was “super important that we have the same tastes!”
I learned my lesson, but it seems like I attract guys who didn’t.
These are the truest words ever typed on a screen.
“Someone who regularly stays up too late and acts tired and withdrawn during the day as a result”
I think this actually might be the basis of my personality
Sometimes when I get exactly the right amount of sleep (not far too little, as is usual on work days, or sleeping in way too late on days off), I don’t even recognize myself. I have to remind myself that my usual state is due to a sleep disorder and not a personality trait.
Replace the second half of that statement with “…and sighs a lot and babbles inarticulately all day” and you’ve got me.
“If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship” I made this exact error with a few too many straight boys in high school.
man now I’m not even sure if I have a personality
It’s not as bad as it could be. Instead of personality traits I’m entirely made up of hair.
how do you even roll up your sleeves then!?!?
No sleeves no arms only hair.
You’re in good company though!
THIS. I am no longer convinced I have ever had an authentic human interaction.
oh god. oh good god.
CDs, books, and movies organized by genre
Immediately changes clothes upon returning home from work
Laughing at me when I get upset
That’s weird. I don’t remember posting here already under a different name.
I got really nervous there for a second because I do the first two. Definitely not the third, though.
Infuriatingly noncommittal with words and actions, but yet somehow manages to say the one thing (that they will forget immediately) that you will obsess over for months to come.
AGH
Oh hi, story of my life.
well that was uncalled for!
D: D: D:
“Owns the same books as I do”
Is this not actually an indicator that someone is my soulmate? Crap.
“Carefully selected the same books to artfully display in freshman dorm as I did”
Willingness to share self-indulgent romantic-grudge-based creative efforts with me, provided I make sympathetic noises afterwards.
Someone who regularly stays up too late and acts tired and withdrawn during the day as a result
I’m so glad to know someone out there loves me for who I am!
I’m tired and withdrawn even when I get a good night’s sleep, it’s not just a phase, mom, this is who I am
Wants an exciting life, expects me to come up with the exciting stuff
Gets really ambitious on the “exciting life” thing, one of the reasons for the breakup is that I am holding him back
Whoa I don’t remember typing this.
You dated my ex? The one who broke up with me because he was “bored”? But didn’t like doing any of the things I liked doing (and thus those things were boring)?
I stand by my policy of bookshelf profiling.
Necessary, but not sufficient.
Touché
I fall into the John Waters view of life: If you go home with them, and they don’t own books, don’t fuck them.
YUP. Like, if I go home with you and there’s any Ayn Rand or Terry Goodkind and you don’t immediately offer a research-paper-or-gift-from-aunt style explanation, I am calling a cab. Life is too short.
I’ve been burned by the bookshelf thing: all the lovely books have actually been an ex’s or a roommate’s or unread gifts from a librarian family member. Or proof that he really is twice my age, but it’s not like we have nothing in common, so it’s not that bad, right?
Is vaguely apathetic in the same way I am, because at the very least we can sit in the same room and ignore each other
Is someone who I perused, and who showed very little interest in me, because the people who are initially attracted to me are all insane
Can answer vague literature questions like “what was the story with the jelly beans?” with the correct story “Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick Tock Man”
I love that story so much.
It is an awesome story, for some reason I always forget the title though. I’m also madly in love with “There Will Come Soft Rains” by Bradbury, mostly because I love Sara Teasdale’s poetry
the people who are initially attracted to me are all insane
I’m really thinking this is exactly where I keep going wrong.
I would have a hard time saying no to someone who has already read that short story without me tackling them.
“Garden-variety cruelty”
Two sentences in and I am already convinced that you can literally read my thoughts.
Is very pretty and said my name that one time.
Says my name when he greets me, unlike all the other people who say my name when they greet me, and in a totally different way than I say the names of people I greet for whom I feel only the mildest platonic affection.
P.s. diagram THAT sentence.
P.p.s. totally going to do it myself.
P.p.p.s. after I add a “he” on the front to actually make it a sentence.
And certainly in a completely different way from the way he says the names of all your other friends.
Literally every single one of my crushes in middle/high school, right there.
Had a dream about them being sweet, understanding and wise before I really spent any time with them and continue to hold out for this carefully hidden secret personality.
Had multiple dreams about them being sweet, understanding and wise even AFTER one of the most acrimonious divorces in human history, WTF is this fuckery in my brain
File in the “Hope is not a strategy” drawer which also contains Wishful Thinging, Giving the Benefit of the Doubt, and If I Could Just Explain this More Logically, He’d Understand.
Absolutely, 100%, would not remarry.
“If I Could Just Explain this More Logically, He’d Understand.”
The impetus behind SO MANY texts and late-night e-mails. I can never run for political office now because my exes would trot out these missives and I would instantly lose all credibility as a sane human.
Not this election year. I think this is your chance to run!
Those points should be made into a global PSA
Curly hair and utter disinterest in me.
This. All of undergrad.
SAAAAAME WHY
*the shudder of recognition*
So much this. And I won’t settle for “playing hard to get” disinterest. I only accept “who are you again?” and “If you vanished from existence this very second I wouldn’t notice, not in a mean way, but just because I don’t know you from a hole in the ground”.
That’s it, that’s my type
SO MANY OF THESE, OMYGOD!
“Dislikes/criticizes everything without ever once justifying a position or explaining why they do like something”
Three years of my life listening to my ex criticize nearly every musician, writer, and actor I liked. And he never quite justified his obsession with David Lee Roth.
???
david lee roth????
?
EXACTLY
i’m relieved for you that you’re no longer with him but also deeply bummed out that you will never found out why
The mystery will always haunt me.
I wish I could go back and tell 20-year-old-me that any guy who idolizes someone who co-wrote the lyric “We’re gettin’ funny in the back of my car / I’m sorry honey, if I took it just you little too far” is not a winner.
i was once with a guy who held Johnny Depp’s musical talent in high esteem and he remains my biggest regret in life
oh my god
he made me go see a Johnny Depp + some rando rock dad concert once & i had to pretend to like it just so i didn’t hurt his feelings/ so i could get into his pants/ to make him treat me with something other than barely concealed contempt
i have since learned to love myself
“i had to pretend to like it just so i could get into his pants”
basically sums up dating in college for me
Our first date was to see a band that I didn’t listen to. After that he kept lending me CDs to improve my “musical education” exclusively in various genres of metal and 70s rock. When I shared my music with him it was all lazy garbage and not even trying to be good or original. There are things I miss about that boy, but pretending to like heavy metal is not one of them.
Is this a good place for a link to DLR’s isolated vocals from “Running with the Devil”?
Someone who values our relationship so much that they never want to tell other people about it, because isn’t it wonderful to have such a precious secret, just between the two of us?
pow, right in the kisser
Awwwwww. I’m sorry.
AUGH
*is dead from accuracy*
BEEN THERE. I once started dating a good friend, and at first said “let’s not tell [rest of friend group] about this for a while,” but then when I wanted to tell them he was like NO.
“So… I was talking to your very close friends today and I got the feeling they don’t know you and I are a couple?”
“Yeah I never told them.”
“We’ve been dating for over 6 months…?”
“You know I’m a very private person! I don’t feel the need to discuss my personal life with people!”
whoops this might have been me
In the category of ‘Offers rides without being asked’ I would like to add, ‘Waits to make sure I got into my house before driving away.’
Also, adjusts their seat to make room for the person in the back.
I still think if they offer rides without being asked and it is just assumed that I always get to ride shotgun, we are basically married.
How about “requires a text to let them know you got home okay”?
Am I the only one who is infuriated when people do that? Like, seriously, I’m an adult. Next thing you know you’ll be asking me to text you every morning to let you know I survived the night.
I am clearly giving my favours away very cheaply because I do this for EVERYONE. (I just…like driving my car and fear murderers I guess.)
nO
I am a terrible robot who is almost impossible to charm, but based on other peoples’ reactions to me I think “Dimples” might need a slot.
“Dimples” most definitely need a slot.
Personality type: “Has scars on hands.”
Couple it with the sleeves-rolled-up thing and I am guaranteed to fall.
“Has large, well-formed hands he uses while speaking, thus making me unable to actually concentrate on what is being said”
If a guy has good hands and a good voice he could be an actual troll-beast and I would still think he was hot.
“I recognised the voice before I looked at him at all. And he has your hands; I shouldn’t think anybody has ever spoken slightingly about those.”
“Confound it, Harriet! My one really shameful weakness. My most jealously guarded bit of personal conceit. Dragged into the light of day and remorselessly exposed. I am idiotically proud of having inherited the Wimsey hands. My brother and my sister both missed them, but they go back in the family portraits for three hundred years.”
…I don’t even have to cite it, do I?
“Has long, slender fingers.”
Any gender. I’m dead.
Gazes at me intensely while I speak enthusiastically and at length on something of great personal importance, then leans forward, brushes hair out of eyes, etc, and says something like ‘God you’re so beautiful when you’re passionate about something.’
Effect lasts for as long as it takes me to realise they haven’t paid any attention whatsoever to what I’m actually saying and couldn’t clearly couldn’t give a toss anyway.
I’m still mad about the guy I briefly dated years ago who badgered me to talk more because he liked women who were passionate about things. When I made an effort to be more open with him and started stringing several sentences in a row together, he’d interrupt me.
Sympathy rage
*raises hand quietly* I have done this, I am guilty! Mainly because Laconic Person Finally Opens Up was sort of a dream come true, and I was *so excited* about this concept that I could not wait until he got done.
Then I was called out on it and now I slap my hand over my mouth and find other ways to show that I am excited, and listening, also!
The funny thing is I have now been on both sides of this, once upon a time *I* was the Laconic Person, to a poor dude’s great distress, who I had no idea even liked me but *certainly* wanted me to talk. And I remember being quite irritated with his responses, too!
To the laconic people of the world: tell ’em off when they hurt your feelings after you’ve finally decided to share! To the anxious pokers of the world: Hush now, love, you have been given an opportunity and it is time to listen close!
Relationships, sometimes I think humans were not well-designed for normal loving communication with each other.
Yes, but it sounds like your interruptions were in response to what he was saying, or at least on the same subject. This guy, not so much.
To be fair, I’m not laconic, I was just quiet because I wasn’t hanging out with him for the conversation…
Soul-stealing eyes. I can’t explain further. You’ve either looked into them or you haven’t.
omg there is a dude at my work with these eyes and it is SUCH A PROBLEM when we need to work together! what if he slurps up my soul while we work??
“Is hilariously unkind about every person we both know with the (it turns out, temporary) exception of myself” – or is this just a subset of Garden-variety cruelty?
too real fam
o.O
Oh god, oh god, every boyfriend ages 16-24 hit this mark. I think the outline goes something like: I. Narcissism A. Garden Variety Cruelty i. misanthropy with rotating and disposable “favorites”
Oh, this one gets me every single time. Add in “Calls me sweet/naive/something patronising whenever I disagree with his unkind statements” and “Told me a personal secret one time four years ago” and I’m done.
Makes good eye contact across a crowded room (particularly when paired with the start of a smile).
And this is why I’m married to my husband. (Well, this and forearms. THANK GOD he turned out to also be a smart, kind, feminist, all-around-decent human being, because I probably would have married him either way.)
It took me way too long to learn that “cultivates a sexy air of disinterest” is usually just actual disinterest.
doesn’t try to make me care about their hobbies.
Laughs at their own jokes almost as much as I laugh at mine
Remembers something I mentioned a whole week ago.
No lie I was about to type a very similar thing!
So yes, I agree haha
Tbf, this *is* often an indicator that someone gives two craps about you.
Or that they have a super exceptional memory, as a standalone quality you never know.
I don’t think remembering 1 thing for a week counts as having a super exceptional memory but ymmv.
Oh no. I’m not sure if I’m more worried about the ones I’m attracted to (forearms and similar tastes) or the ones I consider my own personality traits (emotionless serene detachment is my aesthetic).
•Talks a lot about subjects I know nothing about so I always think of them as smart but they might be making it all up.
OMG, just explained so much about a particular relationship.
Laughs at my jokes. That’s all it takes.
Hahaha SAME but if it’s intermittent reinforcement it’s much much more powerful. You only laugh at some of my jokes? I will not stop performing until you laugh at every joke.
…..you’re right. I never realized this.
It’s terrible!
“Always seems like they just woke up” has been a personal style goal of mine since 2000.
As a current customer service worker: our fingertips touch when exchanging money and/or items, so it is Meant To Be.
Accidentally touching while reaching for the same half-and-half jug at the coffee shop while Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” plays softly in the background and a single beam of sunlight just ever so gently glimmers upon one errant curl of her auburn hair.
Oh, I have so many, and they’re all wrapped up in this one person I can’t/shouldn’t/would be dumb to be involved with:
Is a teacher.
Eyes crinkle at the corners when they laugh at my jokes.
Rarely laughs at my jokes.
Three years ago, seemed to be interested in becoming friends with me, then found out more about me and seemed to lose interest.
His short, polite responses in our current interactions allow me to imagine a wonderful and loving personality, a warm regard for me, and a subtle, dry wit where in fact, there probably aren’t any of those things.
Is essentially a 40-year-old version of the popular, mean boys who picked on me in junior high.
I am just ashamed of how my brain reacts to the presence of this guy. It’s like he’s a newly-opened tuna can and I’m one of my cats.
“It’s like he’s a newly-opened tuna can and I’m one of my cats.” I just love this. And it’s accurate.
Thanks for the confidence boosters! *Rolls up sleeves* (for real)
Apologized that one time, though continued to act exactly the same after that
UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH anonymous login b/c everyone i know reads this site (and apparently knows mallory?) but UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Bubble butts. It is my ONLY mistake.
I feel that.
Bakes bread (but doesn’t wash dishes)
How crusty is the bread? That would make the difference with me. I will do all dishes for baguettes.
Sadly, even the crustiest bread can’t cancel out the impact of dishes that have been in the sink so long that they have actually grown mold.
Ah, it only works if I live there because a) bread must be freshest and b) I can’t leave dishes that long.
Half of these are me before I got my depression treated and half of these are me now.
You are super lovable then!!! 🙂 Good for you for getting treatment, too. Hope you are doing well.
YES exactly. hah!
you and i should hang out. i’d like to see the venn diagram(s) of our halves (quarters???).
Also watched the same PBS shows that I did as a kid.
Toasties, learn from my mistake: having seen Square One as a child does not actually someone a good person. It only means they’ve watched TV.
And that they probably know how to multiply by nine on their fingers.
“9, 9, 9…that crazy number 9! Take any number you can find–it all comes back to 9!”
I like the one where they teach you about negative numbers by showing you the most incompetent asshole on earth who gets less than zero on everything he does.
“He’s less than zero! He’s an anti-hero!” It’s funny, because I didn’t know the word “anti-hero” when I first heard the song, but I remembered it phonetically and now my adult brain has explained it to me. Neat!
Same. About half that show was noise to my eight-year-old self, which surprisingly didn’t stop me from retaining and replaying it back to myself later.
I *knew* you meant Square One before I even got to that part.
If this means we have the same douchebag ex, I’m deeply sorry, he’s awful. Life would be better if more people had remembered Ghostwriter instead.
Oh no, thankfully not, just that Square One holds a special place in many of our hearts.
Asks me for favors. The stupider the favor, the more besotted they must be. Remarkably similar to Taking Advantage, except, you know, romantic.
“Talks a lot about subjects I know nothing about so I always think of them as smart but they might be making it all up”
—every man that has ever existed
Witty answers given during a game of Balderdash.
Meaningfully playing Frank Sinatra songs at you.
Interrupting a camping trip to drive, disheveled and unshowered, into town to ask you out.
Ability to quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Fortunately, I turned 20.
fuck! i later married that guy.
That guy never wanted to play with me, because i totally could quote circles around him. Bullet. Dodged.
My high school boyfriend thought I was fiercely independent yet quiet in a way that belied sexy and mysterious hidden depths, but actually: depression.
Boy at uni thought I alternated between being deeply affectionate and running for the hills because I was a sexy sex-goddess who saw him as my plaything, but actually: PTSD.
Shakes my hand, looks me in the eye, and smiles warmly.
Says Thanks for 75-80% of the meals I buy and/or prepare.
Pretends to admire my parallel-parking skills.
Notices whether I have an orgasm (insofar as it reflects on their sexual skills)
Isn’t put off by the fact that I regularly need to talk out loud to myself to figure things out and will provide occasional conversation-filling input.
Withholds crucial personal information to maintain their mystique.
Remembering small things about me but then forgetting important things. Anxious attachment, you say?
Has much knowledge about some Thing, which I will reliably mistake for general passionate intensity.
Talks down to me in such a way that I feel like I am stupid, but at least I’m stupid and cute. Laughs at any silly thing I say, which is encouragement to say more silly things – hey, I can make you laugh after all! Yay! Added bonus: after every single break-up I have ever had i’ve blamed it on my immaturity, and that probably has been a factor to an extent, but also with hindsight, boy I dated a lot of condescending dickbags.
If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship”
Look, we’ve been together for seven years now! It miraculously paid off in my case!
(I am still with my first partner, with whom I got together at the age of 19. I am constantly relieved at how many bullets I have dodged.)
Mistaking being treated like a trophy for being treated like a human being
Men who take a strong interest in past trauma
Thinking love will render all problems temporary
Ooooh that second one. Yep. No, it just means they’re FASCINATED by broken things and the more time you spend with them the more broken (and like an unwilling fetish object) you will feel.
Slightly butch Caltrain conductor who holds eye contact just a moment longer than I’d expected, apparently.
A slightly off-center slightly smashed looking nose is the sign of The One.
Gets upset when I am not responding just as he’d like me to (for he needs me).
Looks away and hesitates a moment before trying to engage me (no, no this does not mean he is sorting how to play me).
Is tall.
long greasy hair, more than willing to trade weed for clumsily sticking his tongue in my mouth
I used to dislike him, and now I don’t dislike him as much as before; it must be True Love.
To be fair, this seems to be basis of about 65% of movie romances
Indicates that they are even slightly attracted to me.
… Actually, I think that’s pretty much it.
Yikes.
Tall and actively dislikes me for daring to exist in the same room as her.
“If we have similar tastes we must have similar values, this is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship”. I would like to go back to 1992 and inform myself this is not, in fact, valid. Also “Hair falling over someone’s eyes”.
Sometimes acts just ever so slightly on the side of positive toward me so as to not actually be 100% indifferent: this gives me hope!
I think you just described me 🙂 my user name is right on the money. If you like guys that went other directions with choices and organizational skill motorcycle. Mike Sacramento
Ready to hold an infant. Turns out, it doesn’t mean they’re sustaining in any capacity.
I read that Benjamin Franklin would do this on purpose to people.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect
See also: works with children.
YES OH MY GOD