Exodus 4:23
“Can I be honest with you for a minute? Let My son go that he may serve Me, because if you refuse to let him go, indeed I will kill your son, your firstborn.”
Ezekiel 2:8
“But you, son of man, can I just be honest with you for a minute? Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”
Matthew 5:18
“Can I get real with you for a minute? Till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled.”
Matthew 8:10
“When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, ‘Honestly? Can I be honest with you for just a minute? I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!’”
Matthew 19:24
“Mmm, can I be honest with you for a minute? Because it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 26:64
“Jesus said to him, “It is as you said. But can I be honest with you for a minute? I say to you, hereafter you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Power, and coming on the clouds of heaven.”
Mark 3:28-30
“Can I be honest with you for a minute? All sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation”— because they said, “He has an unclean spirit.”
Luke 23:39-43
“One of the criminals who were hanged there kept deriding Jesus and saying, ‘Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us!’ But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed have been condemned justly, for we are getting what we deserve for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong.’ Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ Jesus replied, ‘Can I be honest with you for a minute? Today you will be with me in Paradise.’”
John 5:24
“Hey, can I be honest with you for just a minute? Whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.”
John 8:58
“Jesus said to them, ‘Do you mind if I get honest with you for a minute? Before Abraham was, I AM.’”
John 16:20
“Can I be honest with you for a minute? You will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”
1 Corinthians 11:22
“What! Do you not have houses to eat and drink in? Or do you despise the church of God and shame those who have nothing? Can we get real for a minute? Am I supposed to praise you in this? I do not praise you.”
Personally, I was always confused as to why Jesus had to constantly state that he bout to be honest, but now the chips all fall into place, and lo, I have seen the error of my judgement. He was warning them he was bout to get real. Like real real. Truth tea real.
Is it sad or actually maybe good that I only understand the Bible in this context? Discuss.
P.S. I am an atheist. Weave this into your short essay.
P.P.S. I must retire soon, but I expect results by tonight, friends. We must finally address how this Bible of Mallory actually makes 3000% more sense than any other translation of the Bible. Suss it out.
Someone (I can’t remember where) compared Jesus’ “verily I say unto you” to Dr. Johnson’s “Depend upon it, sir” and now I can’t stop thinking of blustery, coffee-drinking Jesus pounding on the table for emphasis. ETA He (Jesus) had such a sad, short life- I hope he at least got some pleasure out of big talk with his friends.
Hahaha! That’s a pretty good one, too!
For even more added joy, replace some of them with the following:
Can I be real a second?
For just a millisecond?
Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?
You beat me to it.
I was honestly surprised I was the first to bring it up. I must be quick on the draw today.
Totally came here to do this!
“Can I be honest with you for a minute? Let My son go that he may serve Me, because if you refuse to let him go, indeed I will kill your son, your firstborn.”
God: truly a master of the disproportionate response.
After Mallory’s last post, I auto-corrected Luke 23:39-43 to this when I read it:
“One of the criminals who were hanged there kept deriding Jesus and saying, ‘Are you not King Shit of Fuck Mountain? Save yourself and us!’ But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed have been condemned justly, for we are getting what we deserve for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong.’ Then he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ Jesus replied, ‘Can I be honest with you for a minute? Today you will be with me in Paradise.'”
I will be very sad to see these go, especially since my girlfriend still has two more years of seminary.
This has always been one of my favorite passages, probably because I always interpreted the last line as “Bust us out of jail? Fuck that shit! Give me a few hours and I’m gonna bust us out of HELL.”
Ok, that version of Corinthians is my new favorite thing.
So Jesus talks like Naruto? "Believe it!"