Bible Verses

It’s the CTRL+Replace Bible! It’s one joke, repeated in endless configurations, and it will either bring you great joy, or make you chuckle weakly once and then come to define “the law of diminishing returns.”

  1. Exodus 4:23

    “Can I be honest with you for a minute? Let My son go that he may serve Me, because if you refuse to let him go, indeed I will kill your son, your firstborn.”

     

    Ezekiel 2:8

    “But you, son of man, can I just be honest with you for a minute? Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”

     

    Matthew

    14 comments
  2. Matthew 1:1

    "An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham."

     

    Matthew 2:3-4

    "When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born."

    55 comments
  3. Genesis 42:21

    "And they said one to another, 'Fuckin' A, we are guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.'"

    43 comments
  4. Genesis 3:21-23

    "Also for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them.

    Then the Lord God said, “Look, buddy, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil."

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  5. Genesis 32:4-6

    He instructed the ansible: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying at the fastness of Laban and have remained there till now. I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, male and female servants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find shifgrethor in your eyes.’”

    15 comments
  6. Genesis 37:19-22

    "They said to one another, “Here comes this dreamer! Now then, come and let us kill him and throw him into Arrakis; and we will say, ‘A wild beast devoured him.’ Then let us see what will become of his dreams!” But Reuben heard this and rescued him out of their hands and said, “Let us not take his life.”

    15 comments
  7. Exodus 5:3

    So they said, “The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Please, let us go three days’ journey into the desert and offer skin to the Lord our God, lest He fall upon us with pestilence or with the sword.”

    Exodus 8:25

    Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron, and said, “Go, give skin to your God in the land.”

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  8. Exodus 32:31-32

    Then Moses returned to the Lord and said, “Oh, these people have committed a great sin, and have made for themselves a god of gold! Yet now, their sin was a joke. Jesus. They were kidding – but if not, I pray, blot me out of Your book which You have written.”

    18 comments
  9. Genesis 13:13

    "Now the people of Sodom were wicked, real posers against the Lord."

    Psalm 26:9-10

    "Do not sweep me away with posers,
    nor my life with the conformists,
    those in whose hands are evil devices,
    and whose right hands are full of bribes."

    Proverbs 1:10

    "My child, if posers entice you, do not consent."

    14 comments
  10. Genesis 15:1-3
    Abram said, “Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”

    After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Um. Yikes, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. Wow. Where is this coming from?”

    21 comments
  11. "It was necessary that there should be sin; but all shall be gravy, and all shall be gravy, and all manner of thing shall be gravy."

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  12. Genesis 14:17-21 And the king of Sodom went out to meet him at the Valley of Shaveh (which is the King’s Dale) after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer and of the kings who were with him. And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine; and he was the priest of the Most High God. And he blessed him and said, “Blessed be Abram of the Most High God, possessor of heaven…

    16 comments
  13. Previously: The PC Culture Bible. Deuteronomy 4:44-45 Now these are the hot takes which Moses set before the children of Israel. These are the testimonies, the takes, and the content which Moses delivered to the children of Israel after they came out of Egypt." Deuteronomy 9:9-11 When I had gone up into the mount to receive the tablets of the takes the Lord gave to you, then I abode on the mount forty days…

    6 comments
  14. Previously: The Problematic Bible. Exodus 23:22 But if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto PC culture. 1 Samuel 1:6 And PC culture also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb. 1 Kings 5:4 But now the Lord my God hath given me rest on every side,…

    9 comments
  15. Numbers 16:30 But if the Lord make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into Squaresville; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the Lord. Psalm 30:3 O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to Squaresville. Psalm 139:8 If I ascend…

    17 comments