Honey. Simon. Honey. You need to get up. It’s almost eleven, for crying out loud.
You missed breakfast, by the way. Your sister’s already at work.
Listen–scoot over, Simon, make room–I remember how upset you were–don’t be dramatic, I’m your mother; it’s nothing I haven’t seen, scoot over–I remember how upset you were when we told you we couldn’t send you to that wizard boarding school. I know it’s been hard on you, but we just couldn’t afford it.
And it hasn’t been so bad here in the meantime, has it? We got the above-ground pool put in; that was exciting. Who needs a below-ground pool? Swimming around on the same level as all the worms and the dirt. It’s not sanitary. Anyhow, I hope you’re not still too upset, because–
No, it wasn’t. It was not three years ago. You exaggerate everything. You love wizard school. You wouldn’t shut up about it when they sent that brochure home last year. You have all the witch sticks, the wands, whatever.
Oh, excuse me. That was in middle school. Of course, you’re much too old and mature now. You weren’t so mature when your sister walked in on you touching yourself watching your Throne Games last month. Of course she told me about it, I’m your mother.
I thought you’d be excited about this. You used to be so excited about wizard school. Well, we couldn’t afford year-round wizarding school, but we can afford wizard summer camp, and we signed you up, and it starts tomorrow, and you’re going. I’m sorry it’s such a punishment. We wanted to surprise you.
Well, I’m very sorry that your father and I sacrificed to give you something you always said you wanted. It must be terrible for you.
And it’s day camp, so you can’t stay there over the weekends. There’s a shuttle. It’s not a wizard shuttle, or anything, but it’ll take you to the camp in the morning.
Listen, Mister, it’s either wizard camp or I’m going to drown you in the hot tub at the YMCA. I’m not going to sit through another summer where you stay up til 5am in the basement every night, running up the air conditioning bill. What do you do down there all the time? It’s not healthy. Boys your age should be outside, becoming wizards in the sunshine and the fresh air. You’re going to love it. You’ll be begging to stay by the end of the summer. We won’t be able to get you back in the house. Your father is moving the computer into the living room, and you’re going to wizard camp.
I don’t care how it sounds. They’ve got magical knot-tying classes. That could be fun, right? Magic hiking. I don’t know what makes it magic. I’m not the wizard, I’m just your mother. And frankly, your father and I would like the house to ourselves. We might move the computer up into our room, see what’s so interesting on there that it keeps you up all hours of the night instead of having dinner with your family.
Oh, don’t do that. You’re fine. Please. Don’t make that sound, you know how much I hate that sound, like you’re throwing up. You’re going to camp and I don’t want to hear another word about it. We’re not sending your sister to wizard camp, you know. This is something special we did just for you. You want to stay here and get a job, be my guest. I don’t know who’s going to hire a fourteen-year-old who doesn’t even know any spells and got his learner’s permit taken away, but go right ahead. We’ll send your sister to wizard camp, and she’ll get all the powers in the family. We’ll give her your witch sticks and you can come crying to me when she turns you into a manticore.
Just because I’m your mother and not a wizard doesn’t mean I don’t know about manticores, Simon. I’m not taking care of any manticores.
I know Bunk Seven is the evil bunk. That could be fun, right? Being evil? Just for the summer?
Well, I think it would be nice if you participated. I thought you’d like being in Bunk Seven. You don’t seem to mind evil wizards in those fan fictions you write on the computer in the basement ’til five in the morning. That’s right. I read those. You think you’re smarter than me? You leave the browser open when you go to bed, mister. You don’t even clear your history. And you’ve written so many of them. Simon, if you directed a tenth of the energy you spend on your little stories to your studies, you’d already be a math wizard. Just a little joke. Just a little math joke. Yes, of course I read them. I’m your mother. They’re a little too smutty for my tastes. Not my style. And your spelling’s not the best, either.
You know whose fan fictions I like? That SceptyxEyezz77. Those are good stories. Do you know her?
I don’t know why you’re trying to argue with me. You’re still too young to get a job and I’m sick of driving you to Martin’s house every day. You’re going to wizard summer camp and you’re going to love it. Here, I brought you the activities list.
I know the ropes course is a little fatal. It’s not going to be like science camp at the Y. I guess you’d better not fall, then.
Well, I think it’s funny. Don’t be such a sour puss. Your face looks terrible, when you make your face like that. I hope they have a spell for good attitudes at this wizard camp.
No, you only have tonight to pack. You’re not going out to see Martin. You haven’t even done your laundry. Do your laundry, then go be a wizard. I bought you some bug spray and an extra swimsuit and those peanut butter granola bars you like and a little something for your evil bunk. They’re on the island in the kitchen. I love you. Get up. It’s a beautiful day out.
I’m making tuna fish sandwiches for lunch. You want a sandwich for lunch? I can make another kind of sandwich if you don’t want tuna fish.
Tags: aboveground pools, basements, bunk seven, clear your history, fan fiction, fiction, magic, manticores, moms, witch sticks, wizard camp
“I don’t know who’s going to hire a fourteen-year-old who doesn’t even know any spells and got his learner’s permit taken away, but go right ahead.”
humor wizardry, pure and simple
WITCH STICKS
Oh ABSOLUTELY sign me up for Bunk 7.
I would be your counselor in Bunk 7. “Listen guys, I know we’re the evil bunk this year, but that doesn’t mean you get to leave your socks on the floor like a bunch of little assholes.”
!!!!!!!!!!! You would be so patient with all those aspiring dark ladies.
I WORRIED THAT THE TOAST WAS GOING TO BE ALL DADS ALL THE TIME. omg moms. moms moms moms. moms!!!!!!!!!
Just a little math joke.
Honestly, we all know that mom’s been in the PWP section of the wizard fanfiction LJ community. Show me a mom who doesn’t like getting her skirt blown up by some of the 18+ witch stick action.
It may not be the best idea to assume that your mother’s well-documented, numerous, and depraved proclivities can be said to represent all mothers.
#OldJokesAin’tDead
WHY HASN’T STC SHOWN UP IN THE COMMENTS YET
BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY WITH YOUR MOTHER.
Oh, he’s not allowed to comment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can’t I make a bunch of thumbs downs 🙁 🙁 🙁
You don’t seem to mind evil wizards in those fan fictions you write on the computer in the basement ’til five in the morning.
I would like to thank Simon and everyone else who writes evil wizard fan fictions. That stuff taught me what all my favourite types of porn are.
THIS. For srs, I don’t even know how people who don’t read fanfic find out about sex. Fine, I guess they just do it for real, but I bet they don’t know what to ask for and it’s less good than it is for those of us who committed all the evil wizard fanfic techniques to heart.
My parents actually did make me go to magic camp one summer, but it was nothing like this.
“Listen, Mister, it’s either wizard camp or I’m going to drown you in the hot tub at the YMCA.”
I snorted coffee out my nose.
I really identified with the mother in that moment. And my kid is still a decade from teenhood. Oy.
Public service: bunkseven.com is available. Why am I broke?
“I’m not the wizard, I’m just your mother.”
Oh, but you are wrong, Simon’s mother, you are MAGICAL
This is absolutely incredible.
There is something about “We got the above-ground pool put in; that was exciting” that makes me want to call my mother and tearfully apologize for being such an ungrateful little shit when I was a teenager.
I feel the same way about “I can make another kind of sandwich if you don’t want tuna fish.”
I feel the same way about "I can make another kind of sandwich if you don’t want tuna fish."
I liked this a lot, Mallory. Reminded me of George Saunders.
Alternatively, sign-up sheets for Whizzer Summer Camp are filling up fast. I am the head counselor and shit is gonna get crazy.
Ahh, so this is what I’ve needed to fill that hole in my life that’s otherwise been stuffed with peach schnapps and discontent.
This killed me dead with laughter! I was also just thinking about how I never cleared the browser history on our shared family computer when I was 16 and reading smutty wizard fanfiction… : |
I think I did most of the time? But I guess I assumed I read so much my mum wouldn’t bother wading through it. She never pulled me aside for a quiet conversation about consent and safety and things that are okay in fantasies but not in real life, which oh god I would totally do if I’d seen someone that age reading the kind of smut I was reading.
My parents never said anything (my sister did once!) but now I’m almost certain they knew exactly why I was spending 5 hours at a time on our dial-up connection. After-the-fact mortification has kicked in.
I can’t even with this. SO hilarious. “You know whose fan fictions I like? That SceptyxEyezz77. Those are good stories. Do you know her?” Also, “Just because I’m your mother and not a wizard doesn’t mean I don’t know about manticores, Simon. I’m not taking care of any manticores.”
*is dead*