No woman’s body was found today on the beach by police around 8:50 pm after no one reported finding an unconscious woman on the beach.
The body of no woman in her early 30s was pulled from a lake near Minneapolis early this morning.
No one was charged after a woman’s body and multiple abused animals were not found in a bug-infested van in Arizona.
The family of a woman whose nude and shackled body was not found hanging in a California mansion has filed no lawsuits.
No women’s bodies were discovered by the side of a local highway after being kidnapped, bound, and tortured for several hours.
No woman has been found dead from a gunshot wound after being reported missing by family members since late February.
Authorities have not discovered the skeletonized remains of a woman missing for over fifteen years behind a false wall in the basement of her former husband, who reported her disappearance several weeks after their honeymoon.
The bodies of exactly no women were pulled out of a local ravine this week.
The body of a seven-year-old girl, whose non-failure to return home from school last Wednesday did not result in an Amber Alert, has not been found brutalized and dismembered in a state park.
Signs of foul play were not found on any female corpses today, according to the municipal coroner’s office.
An area mother of four, who has not recently gone missing, was not found mutilated in a local park after a three-day search that involved the sheriff’s department and over thirty volunteers.
No teenagers last seen picking up hitchhikers have been found strangled in the trunk of their own vehicles.
The body of a 25-year-old woman was not found lying facedown in the road near Cottonwood Drive after no neighbors reported hearing gunshots earlier that afternoon.
A deceased woman’s body was not found naked in the hills near a popular bicycle trail.
No woman traveling alone in Los Angeles turned up in a septic tank.
There have been no mysterious or unexplained disappearances today after zero women have failed to show up for their shifts at the local diner/bar/club/salon/veterinarian’s office/dentist’s office.
No ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, former coworkers, acquaintances, or employers have been charged in the wake of the death of no women.
No murdered woman’s body is currently decomposing in your area.
No local joggers have reported the sight of a single dead woman in any area trails, parks, recreation areas, bluffs, cliffs, beaches, hiking paths, lakes, rivers, ponds, glaciers, mountains, canyons, alleys, or bushes.
No women have been found in a bag, a refrigerator, a shallow makeshift grave, an attic, an abandoned lot, a warehouse, a cellar, the desert, a storage unit, an unmarked vehicle, or shed today.
All living women and girls in your area are currently present and accounted for, according to their loved ones.
The parts of no women have been found in a suitcase by airport security officers.
City police require no assistance identifying the partially-decomposed body of a woman who was never found in a ditch.
There have been no reported sightings of any dead women in any dumpsters or garbage cans in a fifty-mile radius.
All female women in your neighborhood are feeling great today.
Tags: bodies, humor, ravines, the great outdoors
Oof.
This. I feel just like after I read the abortion piece, which is to say a sort of difficult mix of happiness, sadness, anger, ill-advised nostalgia and/or wistfulness, and like crying.
No women felt bad about their bodies today.
Nothing, ever, has gut-punched me the way this has, especially All living women and girls in your area are currently present and accounted for, according to their loved ones.
chills.
Yeah, big-time.
chillis
Fantastic piece, Mallory. Keep them coming.
Hoping to see that ‘ravines’ tag used with great frequency.
Slow news day
“The Part about the Non-Crimes”
Whoa.
No man, 73, was convicted in the 1957 murder of a 7-year-old girl. Your mother and her neighboring community were not devastated for years in a smaller town of DeKalb County, Illinois. Nobody convicted were initially suspected, more than 50 years prior, only to not have charges pressed against them so they could change their name and run away to Washington State.
This is an astonishing piece of writing.
It’s working so weirdly and wonderfully on me…each line drums up some anxiety, and then I feel relief for a moment, and then I think, not today, but….
Although this is funny, it is also rather horrifying. (I mean that as a big compliment.)
It reminded me, a bit, of Rachel Loden’s (terrific) poem, What the Gravedigger Needs:
What the Gravedigger Needs
Teuva, Finland
overalls
rubber boots
leather gloves
iron spear to loosen up the frozen ground
lantern
spade
length of rope
board to prevent mourners falling in
bicycle to go from grave to grave
*Thanks for this, Mallory. I will be returning to this.
There are so many iterations of this that could be done, and I would bet that each and every one of them would hit me right in the gut the way this one did… No Woman Encounters Glass Ceiling, No Woman Suffers Assault From Someone She Thinks Is A Friend…
Oof, I feel like I’m playing Bioshock again.
You are putting some powerful stuff out there lately, Mallory. Thanks for this.
Oh, that hurts.
“humor”
ha
haha
hahaha
*sob*
This is just sharp and lovely. Will someone please write a poem with the title “The Bodies of Exactly No Women”?
Related, I submit for your consideration George Saunders’s “Manifest: A Press Release from PRKA” which is collected in his book The Braindead Megaphone, which is currently selling for $1.47 at that link, which is both a) a crime, because it is a truly important book that might change how you feel about reading and writing, and b) a super-duper deal.
This is just sharp and lovely. Will someone please write a poem with the title "The Bodies of Exactly No Women"?
Related, I submit for your consideration George Saunders's "Manifest: A Press Release from PRKA" which is collected in his book The Braindead Megaphone, which is currently selling for $1.47 at that link, which is both a) a crime, because it is a truly important book that might change how you feel about reading and writing, and b) a super-duper deal.
Ow
You don’t realise how present and common violence against women is until you read something like this.
This is brilliant. And chilling, because there’s that hollow laugh in your head after each one, going as if.
I can’t believe no one has mentioned 2666 and the murder chapter…
I was just about to write about that and then I got to your comment. For anyone who hasn’t read it, Part Five of Robert Bolano’s 2666 is called ‘The Part About the Crimes’, and chronicles the murders of dozens of women in the fictional city of Santa Teresa (based on Ciudad Juarez) from 1993-1997, as well as the fruitless efforts of officials to find the killers.
It is nothing less than chilling and moving and I highly recommend reading it (all of the series for that matter).
I could barely make it through that chapter…
*whimper*
This is going up in my office, where I try, every day, to speak for the women who can’t seek their own justice.
A sophomore girl from a local university disappeared this weekend in a way that is sad and frightening in its own way, but also eerily reminiscent of a case from several years ago, which ended with a 20-year-old girl’s remains in a field. As I watched the same meager facts and the same photos of a smiling, lovely girl replayed on loop and felt helpless, I thought “didn’t The Toast run something devastating about this a while ago?” Googled and re-read and it helped (me, though my observer’s sadness is of course nothing to the family’s and the friends’). Hoping and praying that all women and girls in all areas are present and accounted for and with their loved ones, indeed.