1. The Washington Post.
2. The Blue Carbuncle of Persia.
3. The four heaviest gramophones in the Catskills.
4. A phrenologist with a satchel of Werther’s Originals.
5. A K-car.
6. The back catalogue of the Squirrel Nut Zippers.
7. Rollerblades.
8. The Rachel.
9. Dr. Williams’ Pink Pills for Pale People.
10. The right to manufacture styluses for the exclusive use of PalmPilot.
11. Brown mucilage.
12. Broadcasting time for jai alai.
13. The Second Avenue subway.
14. Sally Quinn’s four most floral couches.
15. Tooth-powder tins.
16. Ambergris.
Tags: amazon, anachronisms, jeff bezos, purchases, the death of all you hold dear, the washington post
AMBERGRIS… taken from a White Whale.
omg, is Jeff Bezos the Illusive Man? HAVE I FINALLY CRACKED IT!?
How many models has he had sex with this week?
Does he have questionable ethics re: science?
OK, re: pretty much everything.
‘The incinerated body of the first human spectre’
I always wonder if the Illusive Man is wearing contacts to look cooler or if those are his real eyes and he is just that cool.
A cloned Tasmanian tiger fetus (frozen)
I am hoping against hope that the ambergris purchase was inspired by Futurama…
The Amazon Basin, complete with river.
An Amazon, complete with magic girdle.
An atomizer containing a whiff of Diamond Jim Brady’s breath, taken at his physical prime and redolent of oyster pie and steak and whiskey.
A sculpture of Amber Tamblyn as Joan of Arcadia, her gleaming forehead wrought in gold and her sleek hair a wave carved from one massive chunk of smoky topaz.
Ambien. All of it.
That spooky old amusement park out by the lake. You know the one, it’s said that the water table destabilized the ground, causing the heavy frameworks of the rides to list over almost imperceptibly, but enough to unbalance the gears and rails, enough to cause that one rollercoaster car to tumble suddenly, fatally, irrevocably. Enough to leave the town scarred with the loss, to leave the ground stained with their blood, to leave the sound of their cries hanging in the sunset sky. Enough. Enough. Enough.
To this and the OP: BRAVO.
The Amazon Basin, complete with river.
An Amazon, complete with magic girdle.
An atomizer containing a whiff of Diamond Jim Brady's breath, taken at his physical prime and redolent of oyster pie and steak and whiskey.
A sculpture of Amber Tamblyn as Joan of Arcadia, her gleaming forehead wrought in gold and her sleek hair a wave carved from one massive chunk of smoky topaz.
Ambien. All of it.
That spooky old amusement park out by the lake. You know the one, it's said that the water table destabilized the ground, causing the heavy frameworks of the rides to list over almost imperceptibly, but enough to unbalance the gears and rails, enough to cause that one rollercoaster car to tumble suddenly, fatally, irrevocably. Enough to leave the town scarred with the loss, to leave the ground stained with their blood, to leave the sound of their cries hanging in the sunset sky. Enough. Enough. Enough.
Your Recommendations:
A sliderule
Aspic molds, 11-piece set
15 shares in the Virgnia Company
FenFen
Bitcoins
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Preparation H
The Pentagon Papers
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The Hope Diamond
Hitachi Personal Massager
A videocassette rewinding machine
A rotary phone
Sock garters
Jeff Bezos does not PURCHASE. He CONSUMES. His money has increased to such quantities that he is the first true post-human, to the unending embarrassment of Richard Branson. The flesh-puppet that walks and talks and wears a slightly too-boring suit which we call “Bezos” is but one limb of many probing and devouring appendages. Our only hope is to flee this planet before all is owned by Bezos.
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Jeff, did The Washington Post meet your expectations?
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Jeff, are you listening? Are you even there?
Jeff Bezos, rate The Washington Post.
Jeff! It’s important. It really is.
Jeff.
Jeff?
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