The Quotable Jane Austen for Evil People: Sense and Sensibility Edition -The Toast

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When your partner worries about the declining health of his beloved parents whom you grudgingly help support:

“If you observe, people always live for ever when there is an annuity to be paid them.”

When criticized for underpaying interns:

“Five hundred a year! I am sure I cannot imagine how they will spend half of it; and as to your giving them more, it is quite absurd to think of it.”

When disapproving of your college roommate’s wedding registry:

“A great deal too handsome, in my opinion, for any place they can ever afford to live in.”

When telling your daughter not to break up with her bad boyfriend:

“A woman of seven-and-twenty can never hope to feel or inspire affection again.”

When turning down a date with a man who admitted to once attending a Dave Matthews concert for his brother’s birthday:

“I could not be happy with a man whose taste did not in every point coincide with my own.”

When mocking your little cousin’s attempt at the haftarah portion:

“It would have broken my heart, had I loved him, to hear him read with so little sensibility.”

When your child finally screws up their courage to deliver a long and poignant speech about being gay:

“How very odd!”

When someone begs you in song and in person not to take their man, despite your flowing locks of auburn hair:

“These objections are nonsensical.”

When texting your boyfriend to say that you and your friend Charlotte have been describing the inadequacies of his penis all over town:

“I tell every body of it, and so does Charlotte.”

When claiming not to like Doctor Who:

“The Doctor is no beau of mine.”

When discarding your toddler’s present to you:

“It is not everyone who has your passion for dead leaves.”

When refusing to have sex with someone who hasn’t waxed:

“Because, among the rest of the objects before me, I see a very dirty lane.”

When refusing to go to your friend’s baby shower in Yonkers:

“I do not like ruined, tattered cottages.”

When talking smack about Sir John:

“Sir John is as stupid as the weather.”

Works Referenced:

Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility (Indiebound | Amazon)

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