Texts From Treasure Island

by Mallory Ortberg · September 5, 2013

treasurePrevious entries in the series can be found here.

fine
sfine
syou want to know where the treasure is?
i don,t care
i dont care
i’ll tell you
You will?
tell you about treasures
tell you about all the treasures i wanna tell you about
Thank you
Thank you so much
this could end the fighting between the men
no but Jim
Jim Jim Jim Jim
listen
I’m listening
I’m ready
listen to me
the real treasure is friendship, Jim
you and me is the real treasure
if I could rename Treasure Island
Id call it my friend jim island
I would

 

jim
jim remINd me
how many legs do you have
John…
no no no no yes
how many legs
do you have under your body
like for walking
I’m sorry
I shouldn’t have brought it up
is it two
because if it’s two
yes
are either of them A STICK
it’s two
then sounds to me like you’re one LUCKY Jim

 

♦
SWEET CHRIST
THE BLACK SPOT
ahahahha
This is a joke to you?
You laugh?
This is my death warrant
♦
what devilry is this?
how came you by this symbol?
it’s emojiiiis

hey jimbles
yes?
theres a LOT of things you can bury you know
not just treasure
what have you been burying?
nothinnnnnnng
what have you buried?
idk
what can’t you bury jim
im just saying if you want to bury something besides treasure
you probably can
what are you doing right now
jim?
hey can u look something up for me
how long do birds live

jim
jim
jim
jim
jim r u awake
jimmmmmmm
sleepy jimmyi gotta
i gotta tell you something
you can’t maroon your problems jim
thats your problem
jim you can maroon some of the people some of the time
and you can maroon all of the people some of the time
wait thats not right
because if you maroon everyone
then its not really marooning
because everyone’s all there together
look jim
Jim shut up
the point is
the point is you can’t keep marooning your feelings
your problems
whichever
my problem is that one of my legs is a stick
plus i have all this treasure i stole
but your problem is
you got real problems lucky jim
you up?
i’m coming over i bet youre up

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Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg

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30 Comments

  1. Yet To Register +18

    jim you can maroon some of the people some of the time
    and you can maroon all of the people some of the time

    I am vicariously drunk, I think, and it’s early for these kind of giggles

    1. MalloryOrtberg +15

      I have a really hard time picturing that, but I do love the idea of Louis texting Rick “im shocked
      SHOCKED
      that gambling is going on here”

      1. fondue with cheddar +4

        Haha, that’s great.

        The whole thing wasn’t reminiscent of LvR, but parts were. Or maybe I just read it that way because I haven’t read Treasure Island.

  4. meanchelled +15

    omg no NO too wonderful

    what devilry is this?
    how came you by this symbol?
    it’s emojiiiis

    Also, I can’t be the only one to shriek: TEXTS FROM LUCKY JIM

    1. ilikemints +15

      Beware lads! Beware.
      What, the one-legged man?
      Aye. But also, beware runnin’ with scissors or any other pointy object. It’s all good fun, until somebody loses a – Ahhhh!

        1. mkpatter +9

          BEST ADAPTATION EVER I AM GLAD I AM NOT THE ONLY ONNNNNE

          Embarassing story time: When I was like 12, we went to Disney World, and me and my sister would sing all the songs from this movie on the buses when we were bored.

          1. ilikemints +6

            EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING STORY:
            I made a mix CD in high school of all my favorite Muppet-related songs (which included the entire soundtrack of Muppet Treasure Island), which ended up being one of my most-listened mixes at the time. Pretty sure I still know every word of every song on that mix, 12 years later.

          2. Brunhildenburg +2

            Muppets From Space has the best soundtrack ever and I am a 32 year old woman on my second Muppets From Space soundtrack CD because I wore my first one out.

            And I’m too lazy to figure out iTunes so I still have CDs.

          3. mkpatter +2

            Muppets from Space really does have a sensational soundtrack. We listened to that shit CONSTANTLY.

          4. aekessler +7

            I still maintain that A Muppet Christmas Carol is the greatest adaptation of A Christmas Carol ever. There is nothing else.

  6. noisyhope +2

    having grown up staring at these illustrations and seeking out All Things Treasure Island — these are the best things. thank you!

  8. icebergmama +5

    This reminded me of my favorite line from Futurama, when the space pirate says “Too late I realize me only real treasures are me children.”

  9. Treasaigh_b +6

    Go home, Long John Silver, you’re drunk.

    This seems to be turning into Tim Curry week on the toast. THIS IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.

  10. thezlot +16

    My favorite part of Treasure Island, which I just read for the first time this summer, was when Jim overhears Long John call another young man “smart as paint” and nearly passes out from rage and jealousy. I THOUGHT I WAS SMART AS PAINT, LONG JOHN. I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

  13. nathattack +4

    I love the illustrations of Treasure Island so much! If you’re ever near-ish Philly and interested, you should check out the Brandywine River Museum, which has paintings from the entire Wyeth clan. The illustration of pirates in black and white against a yellow background is stunning in person:
    http://allgraphically.com/2012/12/adventures-in-i…

  14. amitygardens

    I still maintain that A Muppet Christmas Carol is the greatest adaptation of A Christmas Carol ever. There is nothing else.