When you read this, I will be on a plane with a toddler with motion sickness, so what better time to allow others to chatter happily amongst themselves, free from that particular torment?
There is nothing worse than tweeting something incredibly funny at a time of day when no one notices it, or tweeting something that would be perfectly topical a week and a half later, or realizing too late that a slight modification would have made it perfect. And there is nothing better than making jokes about David Gilmour.
So, now, this is your chance to share with us the funniest thing you’ve ever tweeted, modified if necessary to be EVEN FUNNIER. I will not participate, because otherwise this would be a monstrous post. You can also showcase the tweets of others.
If I am still alive when my flight lands, perhaps I will take some of the best and do a tribute post, but I wouldn’t count on that outcome.
Tags: funniest tweets, self-promotion, twitter
From when I first started tweeting: “The more I hear it, the more convinced I am that “The Climb” is about the female orgasm.”
I don’t have a Twitter account, but I was pretty proud of this Facebook status: “A literary allusion is as much use to me as a spider is to a pig.”
although I did once have a Twitter account I wrote as the baby birds in a nest in our backyard – GET IT BECAUSE BIRDS TWEET.
BELL FOR SALE. BELL FOR SALE. THIS BELL. IS A GREAT TOOL. FOR ADVERTISING THE SALE. OF THIS BELL.
1 Retweet. 🙁
hahaha. if it helps, I seriously considered stealing this just now and posting it on FB 🙂
I think my followers would say it’s a toss-up between ‘I’ve got something good coming for you, so lube up your joyhole’ and ‘Apparently oral sex can lead to throat cancer, which totally ruined the blowjob I was giving’.
I’m REALLY FOUL on twitter.
my funniest and most succesful tumblr post was this one: http://paranerdia.tumblr.com/post/30926621750/wri…
Not sure if it was Twitter or just email, but ‘I stubbed my portmanteau’ is one of the best phrases I’ve uttered.
I don’t know if it’s my funniest, but I had a pretty good one stemming from a conversation last night with friends (expanded from original tweet below).
“So we were working with Google Maps in class, and we were zoomed way out so you could see all of Texas. Which meant Ted Cruz’s ego could almost fit in the frame.”
“How far back do you have to go to get a good shot of his ego, anyway?”
“I hear Voyager’s taking pictures of it right now.”
BOOM ROASTED. Love it!
I got on a roll about the 300 Sandwiches lady yesterday. I think my favorite was this one:
“Catch me a deer. Like this. Yes, you’ll have to build wings and claws. How committed to this relationship are you?”
I may have once tweeted something funnier, but I basically forget my tweets as I’m typing them, so they’re lost in the ether.
Def the Oscar Wilde+ Walt Whitman fan art that I was too late/lazy to figure out how to post to the actual discussion and which I may make a hash of adding here.
https://twitter.com/MindyHungSpace/status/3801395…
And my favorite from someone else was this Kate Beaton comment:
today a man yelled “smile! you’re gorgeous!” and I thought “AM I?” and he changed my life, because that’s how it works, he is a hero
I am in love with love, looking at that fan art. And ooh, Oscar, a little frisky with the hands, are we?
I was kind of sad this one didn’t even get one fave: “September is the Guantanamo prisoners’ favorite month bc that’s when they change the force feeding shakes to Pumpkin Spice” (black humor! o modern times)
I laughed! but it seemed like one of those things where the positive connotations of “favorite” or “like” run up against the subject matter…
Twitter venting with friends about some stupid proposed abortion law that would have required women to get an abortion within two weeks of conception, literally before they could know if they’re pregnant, lead to the creation of a new period euphemism: “collapsing the waveform on Schrodinger’s fetus.”
I have a lot of tweets and they go too far back to find, but recently:
“…if by “working” you mean listening to 90s radio hits and watching a puppy cam, then yes.”
“My cranky pants from high school still fit!”
“I just unabashedly checked out at the grocery store with only a box of wine and a pint of gelato. ME TIME.”
(also, I finally registered just to comment on this because I looove twitter)
I’ve tried hard, but haven’t been able to top this one:
“benjamin franklin motorboating”
Also, my husband’s best tweet:
“For every Mumford & Sons mp3 you buy, our company will donate a Mumford & Sons mp3 to a child in Darfur”
FACT: I have never tweeted anything remotely entertaining.
My twitter was never even remotely successful, and I basically stopped using it after THIS gem was left dormant with nary a retweet:
“Lots of people pee in the pool but I bet i’m the only person you know who takes a shit right in the bath tub”
It’s probably “Ed Hardy is Lisa Frank for grown-ups,” but I’m also fond of “Pretty sure this woman on Love it or List It just implied that wood paneling attracts bears.”
Also everything to do with the Twilight Demonspawn Naming Convention.
“I really hope Marc Bittman’s dog is named Bark Mittman.”
This is hilarious and also a great moment to remind everyone that Katy Perry’s cat is named Kitty Purry.
Not a Twitterer, but a couple Facebook statuses I was rather proud of:
“At home on a Friday night, eating cake with my hands. This is what the sexy single life looks like, y’all.”
and its follow-up six months later:
“Welp, there are brownie crumbs in my bed now. #dyingalone”
Hahahaha I am so single, wow.
You sound ideal to me!
D’aww, thank you 🙂
I once had a boy (man? whatever. an age-appropriate dude) say “so… do you eat in bed a lot? because I felt some crumbs last night…”
– Feminism and Eminem have more letters in common than I realized.
– Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
– Sometimes you just have to go through your Facebook pictures, relive the glory days, and regret all your haircuts.
– Cunningham Limp! Why did you let Ayn Rand name your company?
– Poop nap.
These are just some of the dazzling gems you will find on my tweeter.
” Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends. ” hahaha I may have to do a design for this one
Haha umm, please share!!
It’s a play on a Francis Bacon quote: “Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.” I like this version better. 🙂
I knew the quote but not its provenance 🙂 I like it better too!
Thank you for saving me from ever attributing that originally to Fall Out Boy.
Is there anything worst than dashing offer a Twitter @-reply that you realize is hilarious but then a second later you realize the only people who will see it are the person you reply to and your mutual followers, but it deserve greater approbation, but you feel like redoing it would be awkward? Vanity Fair’s Juli Weiner (@juliweiner) once tweeted that “Bar Mitzvah would be a good name for a bar in Murray Hill” and I replied that “Bat Mitzvah would be a good name for my new pet bat (she’s Jewish)” and I was inordinately proud, so thanks Nicole for providing this venue.
yes, it’s the worst.
Tweet: “Funfetti is a euphemism for depression.”
Reply: “Goes well with cake.”
Tweet: I hate the guys on OKC that put “If you want to know about me, ask”
Me: “you told me to ask, so here I stand, wondering why you end every sentence with ‘lol'”
I’m coming up blank on funny (although I think there’s something to this and this). Primarily, however, I would like to use this platform to reiterate, to the universe, my desire for a reboot Deep Space Nine starring Naomie Harris as Captain Elizabeth (“Beth”) Sisko. Just putting it out there.
Also, I totally live for the days when Mallory stars my tweets.
Also, I totally live for the days when Mallory stars my tweets.
Hee, me too! And once Ryan Adams favorited one of my tweets and I nearly had a happiness-stroke.
My life was pretty much made complete over the weekend during which Peter Beagle retweeted me twice. Anything from here on out is just icing on that cake.
Jia tweeted something about a scale telling her she needed to eat 25 pounds of pure jerky to meet michigan standards and this was my tweet:
“@jiatolentino Is this scale Ron Swanson?”
She favourited it. High point of my life.
Soon after I tweeted something at Mallory and referenced “evil @mallelis” and she favourited THAT and I packed up and went home because what more can you expect from your day?
From when I first started tweeting: “The more I hear it, the more convinced I am that “The Climb” is about the female orgasm.”
I just got a Twitter like 2 days ago because I am bad at interneting so I have only 6 non-hilarious tweets. WHO ARE YOU GUYS ON THERE.
Who are you? You tell me first.
@mollyculetheory
I am like the weird kid who joins an elementary school where everyone’s been in the same class for years in the middle of 5th grade.
Followed!
I’m @tekkah! I will follow you!
I am also @MsJinxie on the twitter, because I am super duper creative.
I’m @RunAmok9! I’ll follow you! Hooray, internet peoples!
I did not write this, but I have laughed at it on several occasions over the past week. From http://rachellephant.tumblr.com/:
tips to write college papers
-begin with “buckle your seatbelts, motherfuckers, because in eight short pages i am going to learn u a thing that i only learned myself about two hours ago, so sit down, shut up, and enjoy the experience of my 4-am-redbull-induced-self-hatred-fuelled-writing-extravaganza”
-erase when finished with the paper
I feel like if I had tried this there’s a very good chance I’d have forgotten step 2.
Dear people, post your twitter handles. Although I say that, and I don’t think I will be sharing mine, as it is my real name, and I don’t know you people yet.
My best tweet wasn’t on twitter, but in person, in front of a classroom of AP US History students, “I’m going to tell you what’s stupid and you’re going to learn it.”
Also, here’s my best tweet.
I don’t always tweet, but when I do, it’s about nothing.
Funniest FB status was probably last year’s “I can’t wait for the election to be over so I can go back to judging you for your banal daily activities instead of your backward political beliefs.”
My own personal favorite will always be:
I tend to stick with typing coming, not cumming. Because I think it would be hard to moan in all lower case and without proper punctuation.
https://twitter.com/eoporto/statuses/2344817113
not my funniest tweet at all, but my sole brush with mild twitter popularity was when a semi-famous twitter person retweeted my statement that “our generation’s great collective shame is that we all once thought Napoleon Dynamite was an awesome movie.” it taught me that twitter popularity is stressful and now i’m less worried about being only mildly funny and also tweeting my best things at 3 a.m.!
i was also weirdly proud of “fuck/marry/kill: me, myself, and i,” which probably proves that i just shouldn’t try to be funny on twitter.
Fuck: Me
Marry: Myself
Kill: I
Buddha approves of your desire to kill your superego. He is kind of shocked that you’re getting married, though.
Mostly I’ve been dying over the tweets of @ProBirdRights. A sample: “deal librels: if you so smart, how come it isn’t all bread?????? your move obama.”
Oh my god me too, I’m so happy this exists. “uhm excuse me officer, but if not supposed to hit cones, why you put them in street?????? Also why I a bird can’t drive, i thought freedom??” I have reread all of the bird’s tweets every day since I found out this existed, I think.
omg. this is making me laugh so much. just “michael buble”
*dead*
Similiar-ish to this one is @WolfOutside, who is a wolf masquerading as a Normal Human. One of my favorite recent tweets: “fellow humans i suggest you save money by not cutting food aid but instead sending all your politicians for hikes slathered in bbq sauce”.
After a long thing on Bryan Goldberg’s whole “women like yoga and interior design, some women like fashion but not makeup” thing, i tweeted “W = [Y v (I v X)] ∙ ~[(Y v I) v X] Solve for W where W=Women, Y=Yoga, I=Interior Design and X=Bryan Goldberg” and no one got my symbolic logic joke. 🙁 FOLLOW ME @JAYASAX FOR MORE HILARITY
True story: I once translated Hamlet’s “to be or not to be” speech into formal logic for a translation class. Nobody else in the class could read it, including the professor, but the computer science majors in my family thought it was awesome.
Post it, I beg of you. POST IT.
I really need to stop allowing myself to tweet on the morning commute because then I come up with shit like this:
1: UK goes to war, demands Knights/Dames lead battles. Julie Andrews, KBran are generals supported by Kate Winslet, Hugh Laurie (CBEs). RIGHT?!
2: I guess it’s mostly a war of impressive speeches and impeccable comic timing. THE ONLY WAR WORTH FIGHTING.
My Twitter is pretty much all retweets of hilarious people and the occasional political tweet (I’m a lot of fun, you guys).
A funny thing did happen once when my friends and I got on an #argentinepope roll when Pope Francis was elected. If you’re into Argentina-related humor:
– All prayers now begin with che.
– The Sacrament is now taken with maté.
– Italian now derived from Castellano.
– At 4:16 pm EST, a giant storm wiped out the British navy.
– Argentina admitted to the EU, finally achieving its dream.
– All news maps will have the South Pole at the top of the page.
– France replaces its croissants with medialunas.
– Malbecs now will ALL the wine prizes.
It was a good half an hour.
Friend on recent heat wave:
“This heat is more oppressive than the patriarchy.”
Don’t even care about whatever status I’d gone on FB to find, that one gets me every time.
I tweeted that someone in the comments on that Gawker Privilege Brackets thing said “Jezebellian extremists” and a follower replied, “not very XTREME extremists huh.”
I forgot to put the period in front of my response, which was “They are the heelies to my epic snowboard jump at the X Games.” I will REGRET THIS FOREVERRR
(I am @sp0ka on twitter)
I don’t know if this is the funniest FB status I’ve ever had, but I was proud of it:
“Just read an Atlantic article in which the author compared Matthew and Mary to Levin and Kitty. This is getting seriously out of hand, folks.”
I was so proud of tapping into the RuPaul’s Drag Race/Modern Seinfeld Twitter feed zeitgeist:
“Modern Seinfeld’s Drag Race: Whatley undergoes gender reassignment surgery just for the drag.”
The Twitterverse disagreed. Nary a favorite in sight. 🙁
It’s not that funny but I am pretty fond of “hey baby no big deal just texting you in the middle of this fistfight”
Also, this tangent happened once:
“There are video games based on Agatha Christie novels. There might as well be a game centered around having high tea at Buckingham Palace.”
“THE QUEEN IS LOOKING AT YOU EXPECTANTLY. WHAT DO YOU PUT ON YOUR SCONE? A) CLOTTED CREAM, B) STRAWBERRY PRESERVES, C) BUTTER”
“YOU HAVE BEEN EXILED FROM POLITE SOCIETY AND MUST ATTEND WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETINGS WITH SARAH FERGUSON. GAME OVER.”
“LACK OF EXPERIENCE WITH RIGHT-HAND DRIVE DELAYS YOU; PRINCESS ANNE ASKS YOU TO DRIVE HER TO THE SPEEDO HQ GRAND OPENING.”
My twitter is basically like a mini LJ – it’s just me tweeting about my job and boyfriend. That said, here are some tweets about my dumb life:
It is amazing how fast a dude comes running back to fetch his beer when you say, “I’m not here to hold this for you, so I’m dumping it out.”
“I definitely did not have Aaliyah’s untimely and tragic death in mind when I sent that to you.” – Clarifying e-mail I just had to send.
“I’m sorry I said the screech owl could fit inside of your big head.” – entire text of an e-mail I just sent
“Were there any human organs there? You can’t buy them anymore, so anything we could find would be priceless.” – staff meeting today
“That just happened to Joan and Roger on Mad Men!” My mom responding to the news that Drew and I were mugged this evening.
When Beyonce advertised for a digital archivist (I am lots of my friends are audiovisual archivists), we did a whole bunch of ones like this, “If you liked it then you shoulda made a backup of it”, “To the left, to the left, everything you want to catalogue in the box to the left”, etc.
“I was just waving my “I know how to make marmalade” mandrill-blue butt in display of raw status dominance.”
But finding that took MONTHS because the only funny things I’ve posted in months are short Toast quotations attached to articles.
Pumpkin is the new bacon.
I was just complaining to my coworkers about how ZERO PEOPLE favorited this on twitter. I may take it to FB though.
I tweet, therefore I spam.
#idontreallyhavetwitterionlywantedtoplayalong
I mostly tweet my posts and retweet other people’s posts, so I could only find a couple of tweets that were. supposed to be funny.
-A typographic error I frequently make: “historican.” That should be a thing, though: a historian/publican hybrid, right?
-Won two rounds of Carcassone and held a chicken. Today was a good day.
-What y’all miss with your smartphones are T9 neologisms. My flip phone just came up with “picnicetie.”
Ugh. If staircase wit is the perfect retort you only think of when you reach the bottom of the stairs, Twitter wit is the joke you call from the top landing of the empty stairwell in your gross walkup, which just echoes sadly down all four flights. (Sometimes you take a phone pic of the stairs going round and round like an Escher print, just to show how empty they are.)
Yes, Histor, I can!
My best (and only?) funny one is:
“Dating website for dentists: OkCuspid.com”
3 years on, I still think it’s pretty good.
This predates twitter, but I still smile when I remember my dad’s quip: “DiffiDent. Toothpaste for shy teeth.”
My twitter feed is one part conversations with friends, one part RTs of people who write things that are clever/funny/interesting/important, and one part me generally being ridiculous. Oh! And I have an account dedicated to funny grammar things, because if the comment section of this website isn’t the place to confess to true nerdery, I don’t know where is. So I’m @zizzivivizz (personal) and @grammarsnark (grammar).
Two of my favorite recent personal tweets:
“I want an Andy from Parks and Rec twitterbot who autoreplies to every “x is my new band name” with “Already thought of that.””
And, um, based on a true story:
“Sometimes you have to accept the fact that your boss said “See you tomorrow” and you replied, “Oh, I hope not!” Because you can’t unsay it.”
Also, a grammar tweet that I posted a year ago, which still makes me giggle uncontrollably:
“One reviewer of these running tights says she usually runs in “loser pants.” So do I, sister. http://bit.ly/yfl0Q8“
This is fun! I love meeting new twitter people. 🙂
Sounds like your twitter is the same as my twitter!
I have um….18.000 tweets (shut up), so I have no idea what my funniest one is. Even just from yesterday there is some pretty good shit, cuz of David Gilmour. I think my favourite joke I made about that is:
“She shoulda wore a mask with Chekhov’s face on it.” in repsonse to someone talking about the him not really paying attention to the interviewer thing.
I found this tweet of mine delightful (others disagreed):
“Everyone on the message board keeps misunderstanding the larger ethical critiques at play in my Ayn Rand/Gary Cooper slash fiction.”
I am also fond of this one:
“My friend and I are both living our dreams. His is to serve marginalized populations and mine is to get dressed up and foof around.”
Also. If you like jokes about pop culture in Middle English, @LeVostreGC is the person for you. The recent series that was a rewrite of Wallace Stevens’ Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird, XIII Wayes of Regarding a Litel Woolen Hatte? GENIUS. https://twitter.com/search?q=%40levostregc%20hatt…
(pardon me for not exactly knowing how to link to a series of tweets. But so worth a read.)
Months ago I did a tweet that just said “felis concarne” and it still makes me laugh. I really need to amp up the humor levels of my feed, though, I am in danger of being a Boring Twitterer. (@figwiggin, if any of yinz like boring people.)
‘”mmm, delicious freshly-snaked tub drain sludge water, OUTTA MY WAY” -the cat’
Actually, all my best tweets are from the cat.
Funny, I’m not on Twitter but my dog is. Most of her tweets focus on how her owner won’t play with her more often, and how delicious rabbit poop is.
Klaas-Jan is probably the reason why people follow my Twitter.
all my best FB statuses are things the BBs said or did.
I think the “LBJ, close talker” series I’ve been doing on twitter is my finest work. Ever. Runner up, “LBJ, howls with small dogs.” https://twitter.com/Alexis_Coe
So, in news that will surprise no one on here, not funny ha ha, but perhaps they evoke a chuckle? A smile? I’d settle for a sideways glance.
I love LBJ. I will be following you posthaste.
Most of my funniest tweets are about things my mother has said, Like this: “Linda just called me from her room because her netflix is not loading. “It says 0% what to I do?”
It’s not even that funny. it’s not funny at all, I just need an appreciative audience to see that Neko Case tweeted a picture of her dog at me. https://twitter.com/JessicaMLIS/status/3830959311…
APPRECIATING THE HELL OUT OF THIS <3
I am appreciative!
There was a #rejectedyankeecandles thing going around on Twitter a few weeks ago – you know, joke bad scents for Yankee Candles. I wrote one that was moderately favorited. I think it stands as my funniest tweet and I should probably quit Twitter while I’m ahead. (Nicole: This tweet might hold special meaning for you.)
@joycemillman: Benedict’s Cumberbatch #rejectedyankeecandles
A few recent ones:
“Some creepy dude just said I look delicious. I was offended but I just realized I’m walking around with frosting on my arm, so I actually am delicious.”
“Oh my god. ‘Fedora’ wanted to Autocorrect to ‘Desirable.”‘ Could not be further from the truth.”
But once Neko Case was riffing on Kansas and how their superior use of harmonies leaves Mumford and Sons in the dust, and I replied, “Carry on, Mumford and Sons” and she retweeted and told me she loved me. It was a huge moment for me.
Neko Case is probably my favorite Twitter person, a close second being Sherman Alexie.
“Sometimes things just fall into your lap. And then you eat them.”
Maybe I shouldn’t trust my instinct for humor when I’m in a post-buffet, tikka masala-induced stupor?
NOPE this is awesome. Needs to be pillow-stitched.
“I don’t want to put pants on, someone fetch me a thing to eat so I don’t die. I don’t care what it is. Preferably donuts.”
“My grandma just tried to add me on FB – my profile photo is a cat posing with a line of hot dogs and my cover photo says ‘fuck everything’.”
“My love for beets is true and unfailing.”
“I would like more beets, and approximately 50 square feet of rice krispy treats.”
I am really bad at Twitter.
I only use Twitter to live-tweet TV shows and weird mid-day movies on cable that I am watching alone. Super cool. Personal best:
How do you guys think they’ll kill off Matthew? My money’s on “chokes on pheasant bone, everyone stands by silently.” #DowntonPBS
My funniest tweets are all things that my dad has said.
My mom is my best resource for funny tweets and conversations. I think my followers like her more than they like me.
If only!
Probably some bullshit about JCVD. Or “Discourse: The Podcast of us just saying “discourse” over and over again for about 40 minutes.”
Well now I’m depressed. I scrolled through my feed to see if I was funny. It turns out I mostly talk about books on twitter, which accurately reflects my life but perhaps not so dynamically?
Here: “Today’s Most Tragic Micro-Event: I forgot it was green tea I was making and let it steep too long and now it’s bitter, waaaaah.”
That’s how sad I am. Follow me @dakimel !
I feel like I use twitter mostly as an outlet for rage, as indicated by this tweet:
“Today’s lesson: flipping people off while wearing mittens is ineffective.”
So yeah…I’m @lawsome30 if you like funny, rage tweets.
it’s this one: https://twitter.com/horselythighs/status/33839169…
haha loves it
My funniest tweets are only funny if you are Mexican or REALLY understad the culture 🙁
One was: drink a shot everytime you hear the word “luchona” today
*It was Women’s day and “luchona” is a slang way for “fighter”, used to describe hardworking mothers. AAAAND now I killed the joke
That’s adorable! I like learning things like that!
Once in this Brazilian soap opera they were making fun of a little boy by saying he spoke like he was from Lisbon and there was this joke about how he probably says “knickers” instead of “panties” or something like that, and I’m sure it was funnier pre-translation but I thought it was cool to see that joke because it’s not something I would have thought about!
haha I can imagine the Lisbon/Brazil jokes… we have the same differences with Spain.
“Luchona” means hard worker but in the selfless, deeply sacrificed way Mexicans feel that mothers have to do everything. Women’s Day ends up being like a second Mother’s Day, because obviously WOMAN=MOTHER.
I just want you all to know I had the shittiest morning ever and this thread is making my day.
My only tweet that was retweeted by strangers:
Summary of the BBC news this morning, Tories: “we had to break a few eggs!” People of the North: “we aren’t eggs”.
Darkly humorous, or just Dark? During the bizarre aftermath of Margaret Thatcher’s death, there was actually a giggling Tory who said that.
My own personal favorite will always be:
I tend to stick with typing coming, not cumming. Because I think it would be hard to moan in all lower case and without proper punctuation.
https://twitter.com/eoporto/statuses/2344817113
This one wasn’t favorited or retweeted, but it has a special place in my heart:
https://twitter.com/hemogoblins/status/3522292399…
“When I die I want my gravestone to just be a photo of Austin Jackson with facial hair.”
For those not ~in the know~ Austin Jackson is the center fielder for the Detroit Tigers and he is a dreamboat. My dreamboat. Boat of my dreams.
I thought this was really funny but no one else did.
“You know how sometimes you go to the fridge and just look into it, hoping something will present itself as a good idea? That’s Netflix.”
I think the biggest risk I take on a daily basis is hoping no one will catch me openly adjusting my Spanx in public places.
The only status updates I post that get a lot of likes are ones about something unfortunate that I did/that happened to me, like that time a blind man grabbed my ear because he thought it was the door handle to Dunkin Donuts.
I likely post a lot of funny things, but my 7 followers haven’t ever retweeted them. My twitter is mainly dedicated to my roommates violent, abusive and sadly humorous decline into dementia and probably too personal for normal human consumption. I use it for other things, but mainly that.
Tweeting something great at a time of day when no one notices it is the worst, but only finding an article like this hours after the comments have died down because you were at classes and your job all day is almost as bad, right?
Anyway, here’s my favorite. It’s a little janky because I was trying really hard to fit it into 140 characters?
odysseus taunts cyclops marty mcfly,plunging a spear into his 1 eye.”HELP,FATHER”poseidon appears “what ails you?” “NOBODY CALLS ME CHICKEN”
If john Mayer had written “3 x5” in 2013 it would have been called “Instagram”
"Dreamed last night that I starred in a new version of The Office that took place entirely on fighter jets. Awoke with a need. A need for speed."
https://twitter.com/lesleyquick/statuses/29592037…
This is something I wrote, but probably no one will see it now https://twitter.com/RBelleme/status/3597261556176…
“That thing where you start watching videos of Finnish boys vogueing and then you look up and it’s two hours later and where did the afternoon go”
As originally tweeted, this comic gem omitted the first “you”, which I guess is a good thing because otherwise it wouldn’t have come in under the 140 char limit, but the downside is that first “you” is a pretty crucial part of the joke so idk
I am very late to this party, but mine would be: “Definition of bachelorette behavior: taking your birth control pill with a glass of wine.”
I’ve enjoyed looking back through my tweets (I’m @rosieclarke) – I live in bohemian Brighton and work in an office of eccentric museum folk, so many of the funniest things I share are comments from my colleagues.
“This train was held up by severe delays in the Bristol area.” Cue Syd James style cackling, & sniggers & phwoars throughout the carriage.
Overheard: “You have indeed ‘curated an installation’ on your desk. Or, as those of us outside the arts world would say, ‘made a mess’.”
Fastidious veggie O/H: “You ate a rattlesnake. It wasn’t very nice. Jesus. Couldn’t have seen that coming. Next you’ll be eating Peperami.”
Thank you, magnificently drunk man in a top hat who just surged past our office windows roaring an enthusiastic version of True Colours.
Colleague who is a dad: I’m impressed you’ve heard of Pentangle.
Me: I have a Dad.
Icy silence.
Colleague: BURN!
#notaninsult #lovedads
Jousting report from colleague: “My son said, ‘Stop cheering for the Holy Roman Empire, Dad! You’re the only one & it’s embarrassing’.”