Previously: The Celebrity Vists Africa.
The celebrity has visited an orphanage. The orphanage is in a country far away from this country, the normal one that we live in. A sad country, with monsoons and poverty. An embedded reporter from The Toast was given exclusive access to the celebrity as he or she roamed the orphanage grounds, stopping occasionally to take photographs with the orphans, all of whom clustered around him or her, smiling for the camera. Below is an edited and condensed version of this rare and unusual celebrity interview.
Celebrity, you have recently returned from a trip to visit some orphans. Where did you go to find them?
There are orphans all over the world, you know. Their parents are dead, or maybe just somewhere else. Missing, or sick, or something that they’re doing somewhere else. The orphans live in a strange land, with dirt roads and rainy seasons and baobob trees. Not like here, in America, where we do not have seasons of rain. So many bad things happen here, to the orphans. Weather happens. I am a good thing to happen to orphans. I come to the orphans for four, five hours at a time, maybe even a week, and then I go away forever, which is good for them. The orphans live here, and I came to have my picture taken with all of them at once. Look at these pictures. Look at the tiny orphans swarming all over me, and how different their faces are from my face. My face is here, in the middle, wearing the sunglasses, and smiling from orphans.
It’s a very nice picture.
I cannot go more than five, maybe six days without having my picture taken with orphans. Without photographic evidence of orphan smiles, I would wither and die.
Can you tell me about the orphans who are in this picture with you here?
Oh, certainly. Let me tell you all about the children, the orphan children who I am holding so close to me with my regular arms. Here is the orphan on my left, here is the orphan just above my shoulder, here is the orphan to my immediate right. All of them have names, almost certainly. Smiles and names and faces and American T-shirts given to them by me, an American.
What are some of their names?
They smile all of the time, these orphans. They love to laugh and to run and to play games, just like normal children, but it is special when they do it. Here they are playing soccer together, even though they have no parents. Names everywhere. Names all over these children. Oh, the names they have.
What sort of work did you do at the orphanage?
I wore my hair in a bandana for several days. Imagine that! A bandana, with my hair in it. My special, celebrity hair. There I am wearing a bandana and a utility bag. There I am again wearing a shirt next to children wearing no shirts. We are all smiling. Here I am reading to the children. See how carefully they are listening to me read. The orphans were blessings. In America we have children, but here they have only blessings, wonderful blessings with big eyes and many problems but then smiles.
I notice that almost all of these pictures are group shots. There are very few with you and just one or two children at a time.
Orphans come in big groups. There is only one of me, but there are many orphans. All the orphans live so far away from where I live. They live where the problems are. The problems there, they are so many problems that it’s quite bad.
What is so special about seeing celebrities and orphans together?
But it’s not just celebrities. Sociology majors. Evangelical American Christians. Third-year law students on summer vacations. We all must hold the orphans, and smile with them, and wait for them to gather around us, and smile together. We draw strength from the orphans. It nourishes us. It gives power to our blood. The more orphans I have around me, clinging to me, putting their arms around my neck, touching my American shirt and shoes, shouting, “Football! Football!”, the stronger I become.
Did the children teach you as much as you taught them?
Oh, yes, I would say that the children taught us almost as much as we taught them! [Laughs.]
How often would you say–
I must go now. I have to have my picture taken in a sea of orphans, or I will faint. This interview is orphan. Over. Good orphan to you. Orphans.
Tags: orphans, people making choices, taking pictures with strangers, the celebrity
But you must NEVER have your photo taken with an adult in one of these countries, which are not normal like America, or you will die even faster.
Look. I brought the orphans some toys. There must be toys, for the orphans. The orphans they only had dust to play with. Because that’s all there is here. Dust. Dust and orphans. That is all this far away foreign country makes.
Back in America we don;t have orphans. Or if we do they are sad and miserable and troubled and unattractive, not like these smiling, photogenic orphans at all. Some of them are very angry.
The orphans back home just aren’t as interesting as these other orphans. They can’t be fixed or taught or helped with a photo-op and a smile. These orphans are never sad or troubled or angry. See? Look. Look at their happy little photogenic faces. They will remember and love me forever, for I am celebrated.
Did you know that’s what celebrity means?
I don’t understand the point of a celebrity wasting time on orphans. I mean, they can’t even get into PG movies so there’s not even an audience there.
GOOD ORPHANS TO YOU, SIR!
..but don’t you mean good d–
I SAID GOOD ORPHANS!
One of my Facebook friends (from the almost unbelievably white Catholic high school we went to) is on a mission and is constantly posting pictures of herself with babies and toddlers, who she calls “Africa’s little flowers”. She is a pretty good person, I guess (despite being virulently anti-choice), but I find it super gross and essentializing, like “Hey Africa (the whole continent! all of you!), here’s a new white savior for you! That’s historically worked well for you, no?”
Why can’t people ever bother to specify a country or place? It is so asinine and drives me INSANE.
When I was writing the comment, I realized I had no idea what country it was because I don’t think she’s ever specified???? In all fairness, though, I scroll through her posts pretty quickly so I don’t have to see any comments about our “culture of death*”, etc.
*said culture of death applies exclusively to birth control and abortion; not included in said culture of death: violence against women; the death penalty; gun violence; unlivable minimum wage; slashing funding for programs for poor and homeless people; ad infinitum.
Yeah, abortion is so much worse than blood diamond mining and child soldiers.
You should only be able to post pictures of yourself getting swarmed with orphans if you can name every damn last one of them a year after the picture was taken.
ugh. as someone who was born, raised and lives in Africa, can i just say i hate your friend and we (THE AFRICANS) are gonna con her into buying touristy crap for far more than what it’s worth. And then we’re gonna laugh about it
just calling them little flowers, just scratching that ONE single word, would make it so much less offensive and actually a rather sweet pet name for kiddos
I know where that is! I used to have to travel to super-rural parts of Kansas for work, and frequently had to drive through Concordia. I never stopped though. Mostly because I just wanted to get the eff out of super-rural parts of Kansas.
were you running from the swarms of orphans?
If you get up very, very early, you can sometimes catch an entire herd of orphans at their watering hole. The expedition leaves tomorrow at 5 AM, so dress in layers and bring your field glasses. We’ll be back in time for mid-morning yoga and brunch.
But I adopted them. 3 of them in fact. Names? Well, they’re all so special, I couldn’t dream of putting a name to them, and so limit their multifaceted potential for being what they want to be. Except for this one, I called her Apple.
Yes, “Apple”. It was the only word on the first page of the first children’s book I received as a gift when I announced my photo shoot for our pending adoption. Can you imagine? the only word. Considering the only word on the second page was “Ball”, I think I made a good decision there.
No, I don’t like to appear in pictures with them now. Instead, I like to buy them designer clothes and leave them in conspicuous locations around the city with our nanny.
Now that I’ve adopted them, I feel so empowered, like a mother. Like a mother tiger prowling the savanna with her baby ones.
But I adopted them. 3 of them in fact. Names? Well, they're all so special, I couldn't dream of putting a name to them, and so limit their multifaceted potential for being what they want to be. Except for this one, I called her Apple.
Yes, "Apple". It was the only word on the first page of the first children's book I received as a gift when I announced my photo shoot for our pending adoption. Can you imagine? the only word. Considering the only word on the second page was "Ball", I think I made a good decision there.
No, I don't like to appear in pictures with them now. Instead, I like to buy them designer clothes and leave them in conspicuous locations around the city with our nanny.
Now that I've adopted them, I feel so empowered, like a mother. Like a mother tiger prowling the savanna with her baby ones.
Sometimes it is hard to find orphans, even in places where orphans are plentiful, like Africa, or a different part of Africa. Many times I have gotten very tired and weak because I did not have enough orphan smiles around me. When this happens I tweet about it, and then people make new orphans for me to put my arms around while smiling. I am very lucky to have so many people who care in my life.
behind the wide, satisfied smile of the blond woman, a silent and never-ending scream: I’M SPECIAL, I’M IMPORTANT, I’M DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, I’M HELPING THEM JUST BY BEING HERE, AND SO I FEEL I DO DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION. I AM THE CONDUIT THROUGH WHICH BLESSINGS FLOW TO THE BENIGHTED. PLEASE TELL ME I MATTER, PLEASE TELL ME I’M GOOD, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME-
Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forego your cruel employ.
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!
An orphan boy?
An orphan boy!
How sad – an orphan boy!
just calling them little flowers, just scratching that ONE single word, would make it so much less offensive and actually a rather sweet pet name for kiddos
Um…when I came on the show I was under the impression that you could win prizes or money…not orphaned children. (Sorry for the poor quality.)
ugh all of the white saviors studying abroad pictures with orphans on facebook harsh my vibe so muchhhhhh I can’t even.
what are the children doing in this picture?
They are singing me their charming native song, and accompanying their song with a charming native dance. The orphans enjoy performing this charming native song and dance for me, because I reward them with my smile. And new pencils. One time, the orphan’s charming native song and dance was, believe it or not, so charming that I took off my sunglasses and wiped away a nascent tear. In that situation I rewarded the orphans not just with my smile, but by teaching them one of America’s native songs and dances. We did “I’m a Little Teapot.” There’s a clip on YouTube.