Previously: The Celebrity Vists Africa.

The celebrity has visited an orphanage. The orphanage is in a country far away from this country, the normal one that we live in. A sad country, with monsoons and poverty. An embedded reporter from The Toast was given exclusive access to the celebrity as he or she roamed the orphanage grounds, stopping occasionally to take photographs with the orphans, all of whom clustered around him or her, smiling for the camera. Below is an edited and condensed version of this rare and unusual celebrity interview. 

Celebrity, you have recently returned from a trip to visit some orphans. Where did you go to find them? 

There are orphans all over the world, you know. Their parents are dead, or maybe just somewhere else. Missing, or sick, or something that they’re doing somewhere else. The orphans live in a strange land, with dirt roads and rainy seasons and baobob trees. Not like here, in America, where we do not have seasons of rain. So many bad things happen here, to the orphans. Weather happens. I am a good thing to happen to orphans. I come to the orphans for four, five hours at a time, maybe even a week, and then I go away forever, which is good for them. The orphans live here, and I came to have my picture taken with all of them at once. Look at these pictures. Look at the tiny orphans swarming all over me, and how different their faces are from my face. My face is here, in the middle, wearing the sunglasses, and smiling from orphans.

It’s a very nice picture. 

I cannot go more than five, maybe six days without having my picture taken with orphans. Without photographic evidence of orphan smiles, I would wither and die.

Can you tell me about the orphans who are in this picture with you here? 

Oh, certainly. Let me tell you all about the children, the orphan children who I am holding so close to me with my regular arms. Here is the orphan on my left, here is the orphan just above my shoulder, here is the orphan to my immediate right. All of them have names, almost certainly. Smiles and names and faces and American T-shirts given to them by me, an American.

What are some of their names?

They smile all of the time, these orphans. They love to laugh and to run and to play games, just like normal children, but it is special when they do it. Here they are playing soccer together, even though they have no parents. Names everywhere. Names all over these children. Oh, the names they have.

What sort of work did you do at the orphanage?

I wore my hair in a bandana for several days. Imagine that! A bandana, with my hair in it. My special, celebrity hair. There I am wearing a bandana and a utility bag. There I am again wearing a shirt next to children wearing no shirts. We are all smiling. Here I am reading to the children. See how carefully they are listening to me read. The orphans were blessings. In America we have children, but here they have only blessings, wonderful blessings with big eyes and many problems but then smiles.

I notice that almost all of these pictures are group shots. There are very few with you and just one or two children at a time. 

Orphans come in big groups. There is only one of me, but there are many orphans. All the orphans live so far away from where I live. They live where the problems are. The problems there, they are so many problems that it’s quite bad.

What is so special about seeing celebrities and orphans together?

But it’s not just celebrities. Sociology majors. Evangelical American Christians. Third-year law students on summer vacations. We all must hold the orphans, and smile with them, and wait for them to gather around us, and smile together. We draw strength from the orphans. It nourishes us. It gives power to our blood. The more orphans I have around me, clinging to me, putting their arms around my neck, touching my American shirt and shoes, shouting, “Football! Football!”, the stronger I become.

Did the children teach you as much as you taught them?

Oh, yes, I would say that the children taught us almost as much as we taught them! [Laughs.]

How often would you say–

I must go now. I have to have my picture taken in a sea of orphans, or I will faint. This interview is orphan. Over. Good orphan to you. Orphans.