Internet Commenter of the Year Award -The Toast

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Hello and please LET ME FINISH before you try to make a “point.”

It is with great honor that I accept this Award. Many of you know me as BobInDenver but my real name is Bob and I am a pharmacist in Denver. I behold multiple advanced degrees and have been Published, etc. in renowned magazines and NEWS-papers (I do not cover heat waves or celebrity sagas, I cover NEWS). Those of you in the Mountain West no doubt recall that my concise essay “Build Another Gas Station on Verner Street” won Third Prize in the Arapahoe County op-ed contest of 1994. It is said that my writing STYLE, which is not a reliance on wordplay (that’s YOU, WilliamFarlosWilliams), is recognizable to internet users worldwide.

Politically, I am a LOGIC-DRIVEN Swing Voter who enjoys spending time with FACTS. One example of a FACT is the United States Treasury storing its gold only in underground locations. (Yes, FaktChekker, I’m aware that gold can be MOVED, but I’m talking about where it’s STORED, you simpleton, go back to VERMONT). One example of a NON-FACT is Newt Gingrich being born with teeth and a full head of white hair. This is simply untrue, and no, I AM NEITHER DEFENDING NOR ENDORSING ANY PAST OR PRESENT CANDIDATE. Other falsehoods can be found in every comment ever posted by ThawngDropper, BoyzInThaClub, and WeinerBallsJr. Look no further if what you seek is NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE.

I have argued which is to say PROPOSED TO THE PUBLIC that our Nation is succumbing to a Paucity (Look it up, Live4Boobz, it’s called VOCABULARY) of intelligent debate. Kansas City for instance is one town where virtually all internet users are Uneducated. This holds major implications for our declining civil propriety. For example, if you’re dining in at the Chili’s in Stapleton, PLEASE PARK THERE AND NOT AT THE PHARMACY NEXT DOOR. We must reengage the public in substantive discourse (which is not the same as intercourse, GoslingSlut79) if we hope to survive as a Nation. I would say more on this subject presently if not for those who would twist my words into something I’m CLEARLY NOT SAYING.

Personally (and personally I don’t care to share personal details), I am thrice divorced and have never been in love, if by LOVE you mean I’m an idiot who drives to three grocery stores to get the right pet food. I am a mindful omnivore (no, I will not “just give tofu a try,” FreeSilly99) with an aversion to the marketing scam known as an appetizer. I suffer from a VIOLENT PEANUT ALLERGY and do not believe in “vitamins.” I enjoy Basketball in a cerebral sense but do not agree with the rules pertaining to technical fouls. I have two dogs and a parakeet but am not a Cat Person. I occasionally feed squirrels at the end of my driveway but in NO WAY advocate the proliferation of rodents.

I have sparred with formidable opponents in my time on the internet and I would like to thank some of them who are here on the internet today. First, I owe a debt of gratitude to the regular agitators known as BleedingFartLiberal and HockeyNazi, who provided for vigorous if HIGHLY MISGUIDED debate in the most recent election. To the former, I concede your point on the illegitimacy of stop signs in Washington, D.C. (the lack of statehood is above all a logistical problem), but you discredit yourself by “ordering some food, brb” every time your ILL-ogic is challenged. Sit down and fight like a man. To the latter: you are a troubled primate with a myriad of social disorders. (Thanks again to your roommate for his informal critique of my screenplay idea).

I must also credit my nemesis and runner-up ShakespeareWasAMuslim, whose denial of every known fact keeps the Sane and Literate on their toes. It is mesmerizing, and I say this WITHOUT SARCASM, that someone in this day and age, WITH FULL ACCESS TO THE INTERNET, would claim that the Philly Cheese Steak was invented in Dallas. It is incredible, and I say this WITHOUT JUDGMENT, that a human being raised in the modern world, typing in the year TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN, would argue that coffee beans are native to New Jersey. You, sir, are truly an Ignoramus. (I wish your nephew a speedy recovery).

I would also like to thank God (I still don’t understand how you got that username, Richard) and his ex-wife DumpsterMouse007, leaders of the FLAWED but commendable Anti-Bullying Foods Movement. Your photos of Sonoma, Yellowstone, and the Grand Canyon are an inspiration even as these magnificent wonders are being ruined by a lack of RV parking. Regarding our most recent debate, I maintain that highway tumbleweed clearance is primarily a MUNICIPAL ISSUE, though I appreciate your point about unpredictable wind speeds and their effect on disposal. At the VERY LEAST, the three of us have blazed a trail for future visitors to this troubling issue.

Lastly, I have no choice but to applaud the tremendous energies of JesusInMyButt, whom I battled to a draw over the course of eight days in February. There is simply nothing left to say about the rights of endangered animals in the event of total zoo destruction.



Devon Bixler was raised in Blacksburg, Virginia and lives with his wife in Los Angeles.

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