“That’s not a real pushup. Your form is totally wrong.”
“It’s still more than most Americans will ever do. How many pushups have you done today? And guiding your mouse without supporting your elbow on your armrest doesn’t count. Sitting kills.”
“That’s why I never sit. Every morning, I throw my computer out of the window and race downstairs to type on the keyboard before it hits the ground.”
“What she’s doing, it looks like sex. I’d let her do a pushup on me.”
“why the fuck did you film this vertically”
“Your form sucks, dude. I do not choose to be more explicit about how you could improve your form, but rest assured that it’s terrible.”
“These are dips. Not pushups. In the entire history of the world, no one has ever successfully performed a pushup. They’re all just dips.”
“STOP DRIVING WITH YOUR HIPS. IF YOU’RE DOING A PUSHUP CORRECTLY, YOUR HIPS SHOULD CEASE TO EXIST.”
“You could do 100 pushups like this and it wouldn’t improve your strength at all. You’re just bending your arms.”
“I’m doing pushups right now that are better than yours. You can’t see them, obviously, but rest assured that my form is unimpeachable.”
“Actually you need to straighten your core. I can’t see you, but I can tell by the quality of your typing that you’re a real core-dipper.”
“Oh yeah, tough guy? Why don’t you come down here and see how many pushups you can do next to me before you collapse.”
“It doesn’t matter how many pushups I can do. Whether I’m strong or not doesn’t matter; I’m still right.”
“THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS HOW STRONG YOU ARE”
“None of these are real pushups. Any one of these would get you drummed out of the military with a dishonorable discharge.”
“I used to be in the military, and I would disown any member of my family who let their knees wobble like that during the descent portion.”
“My local basketball team is in better shape than 93% of Marines.”
“If you do pushups with proper form, that’s the only exercise you ever need to do in order to achieve maximum fitness. No running, no weights. Just pushups. Only eat cashews and do pushups. That’s all the food and all the working out the human body needs. Cashews and pushups. I live inside of a tree and I don’t need anybody.”
“YOUR ELBOWS ARE SPLAYING OUT IS THIS A JOKE IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK PUSHUP JOKE YOUR ELBOWS SHOULD BE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN RIB CAGE IN ORDER FOR IT TO COUNT AS A REAL PUSHUP”
“It doesn’t matter what your elbows are doing, all that matters is whether or not you break the plane.”
“You’re in good shape, but these are vanity muscles. Gym strength doesn’t count for shit if you can’t slowly lower your entire body almost to the ground before returning to your original position.”
“You suck. I could do better pushups than this.”
“Oh yeah? Then why don’t you upload a video of yourself doing them, tough guy?”
“I’m too busy doing pushups on top of YOUR WIFE.”
Comments have been closed by the moderator.
Tags: comment sections, fitness, pushups, the internet
Related Posts
All the Posts on Every Third Trimester Message Board
The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Breastfeeding
I’ll Be Watching Kimberly Walford Break Deadlifting Records All Day
Link Roundup!
Link Roundup!
Literary Quotes That Double As Excellent Mantras During A Final Set (Or: Things I Have Whispered Quietly To Myself At The Gym)
“Cashews and Pushups” is my favorite Sleater-Kinney song.
I just googled cashews and pushups (no quotes). Found several cashew-colored pushup bras for sale, which is not at all what I was expecting.
Even when I was doing strength training 3 times a week and regularly increasing the amount of weight I could squat or deadlift, I was never capable of doing a pushup. Not even from my knees. My body just… can’t. I AM TOO FEEBLE.
This! I don’t understand why! From my knees is okay but I still can’t do from toes, when I’m otherwise quite strong!
You are my people! I can do an effing pull-up or chin-up or what ever (generally only one or 2, but still) and I can’t do a dang Tramp push-up! I do okay at Lady push-ups, but still not very many… I am in decent shape, but push-ups are my nemesis!
I think it has to do with the way your elbows are hooked up. I have no medical or scientific reasoning for this other than a general sense of “yeah, that sounds plausible” and the experience that if I tell people that the reason I can’t do push ups is because my elbows are weird they will stop bugging me about it. To be fair- I do demonstrate my double-jointed elbow while I say this which might be what actually makes them leave.
I can’t do them because I have wonky elbows too. The only way I can do pushups is by pointing my fingers outward and bending my elbows backward towards my feet, rather that pointing my fingers forward and bending my elbows out to the sides.
Double-jointed elbows make pushups hella harder (she says as she flips her elbows inside out).
Try this: Don’t lock your elbows–our lock point is hyperextended, and it’s harder to get up and down if you lock out (you know, to where the bend in your arms makes other people wonder if your arms are broken?).
Turn the eyes of your elbows towards each other, and keep them there, whether you’re doing a chatarunga style pushup (elbows tucked against your body), or a standard pushup (elbows bent at 90 degrees from the shoulder).
It should help a bit–honestly, it’s less about strength, and more about coordinating your movements so you don’t flop over like a fish. You can dooo eeeeet!
SAME. Add to that the Crossfit thing where even for lady push-ups you’re supposed to get your chest to touch the ground but keep your hips elevated and hahahahahahahaha nope.
I tried to do one when Nicole posted a workout routine a few months ago and just collapsed onto the floor.
My husband is one of those lunatic pushup people and I’m 99% sure that all of these things come up when he and his friends hang out together. Look, people, why can’t we all just agree that pushups are of Satan and backwards dips are infinitely better and/or sitting on the couch under blankets is INFINITELY INFINITELY better?
I am peerless at sitting on the couch under blankets.
We need a video to be sure.
DON’T YOU DARE CRITIQUE MY FORM. YOU KNOW NOTHING, LEMONADEFISH.
I’VE BEEN SITTING UNDER BLANKETS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN AND I TOOK SEVERAL ADVANCED LOUNGING COURSES AND I THINK I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT SLOTH!
Both of you would be drummed out of the Teamsters for slothing with such poor technique.
Bahahahahahaha perfect accuracy.
“If you do pushups with proper form, that’s the only exercise you ever need to do in order to achieve maximum fitness. No running, no weights. Just pushups. Only eat cashews and do pushups. That’s all the food and all the working out the human body needs. Cashews and pushups. I live inside of a tree and I don’t need anybody.”
My favorite and personal life goal. It’s all cashews and push-ups and living inside a tree, here on out.
Honestly, anyone who doesn’t just enjoy the Gaston video for face value is missing the point. Disney is DEADLY SERIOUS about its cosplay. My first yearbook editor in college went to work at Disneyworld after she graduated, and when she visited, all she could say is that she was “best friends” with Mickey Mouse.
::nods:: My sister did their hospitality internship program and had specific things she was supposed to say when kids asked things like “Where does Mickey Mouse live” etc.
I’ve probably talked about this on here before, but I once met a former Disney Princess at a friend’s wedding, and she was incredible. Like the least starry-eyed Disney-loving person in the world, and with the best stories. No shock: Size 6 is considered gargantuan to Disney princess costume designers. Job security is being a 0 or a 2. Also, none of the girls hired as princess really look like the princesses, she said — but they all look like each other, for maximum interchangeability.
And Ariel is a magnet for drunk Disney dads.
Oh, wow, I’d love to hear her stories. I guess it’s all about expert makeup, as they’re interchangeable. Except I hope Jasmine is actually several shades darker than Snow White and Aurora. Same for Tiana (if she’s been added to the landscape, and I hope she has — okay, I just googled to verify she’s there. The pictures of Pocahontas I’m seeing are pretty definitely not Native American, though).
Yikes, poor Ariel.
Yeah, she said the girls who play Jasmine are pretty much Jasmine-only, while the same girls can play all the white princesses with makeup and wig changes. I think she worked there before Tiana’s day, but I assume it’s similar for her!
I guess the worst thing about playing Ariel was that she sat on this rock for photo opps that literally locked her legs into the tail, so she couldn’t get away from horrible handsy dudes. I think she developed the skill of turning Ariel into a total bitch in .5 seconds flat without the children noticing.
That’s a good skill for Ariel. I also saw a lot of photos of her in her ballgown at the end of the movie (though i don’t actually remember her ever in a ballgown), so at least that’s another option to the mermaid tail prison.
Yeah, but no one wants to pose with Pink Dress Ariel. Everyone wants to get all up in Ariel’s grotto (that’s literally what the photo op area is called; source: WDW subject matter expert and comfortable with that fact) and hang out with a be-tailed redhead.
This might be something you’d be interested in- a lady who does those characters did an AMA on Reddit a while back. http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2ehtte/
Ooh, thanks!
Is this my safe space where I can express my dismay at the horrible Disney wig quality though? D: (Related: Is this my safe space to talk about how I watch wayyyyy too much RuPaul’s Drag Race?)
YES. TALK TO ME ABOUT SAD-ASS WIGS AND THE GLORY OF RU PAUL.
(even when his lace-front is soon obv.)
Like, sure, I get it, Disney hair defies gravity (Megara, anyone?) and is not exactly realistic. But you have SO much budget, can you not spring for the non-plastic hair?
May it please the court:
Ariel – http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwmp6rLtWJ1qdaw…
Peter and Wendy – https://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6snpejI261r68…
Aladdin and Jasmine – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7a/df/c…
I think the most important lesson I’ve taken from RuPaul is now being able to clock a weave from a mile away. My resume is all the richer for it, I’m sure!
Aaaahaha I just started the 100 push up challenge yesterday and this is everything I need. (And Nicole’s encouragement.)
“You’re in good shape, but these are vanity muscles. Gym strength doesn’t count for shit if you can’t slowly lower your entire body almost to the ground before returning to your original position.”
Nothing more facile than a comment just repeating something from the article and going “oh man, this one is amazing” (or someone pointing out how ironically facile they’re being) but, oh man, this one is amazing.
Why can I not find a gif of Rik Mayall on the Young Ones doing “pushups”????!!!! My life is empty and barren…..
OMG, this: “YOUR ELBOWS ARE SPLAYING OUT IS THIS A JOKE IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK PUSHUP JOKE YOUR ELBOWS SHOULD BE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN RIB CAGE IN ORDER FOR IT TO COUNT AS A REAL PUSHUP”
bane of my push-up existance
YOU ARENT EVEN USING YOUR IRONY MUSCLES, LIKE A MAN
If the use of irony muscles makes one masculine, then we are all the dudeliest commenters on the internet.
(Which is a compliment.)
Perhaps the greatest compliment of all (?)
I didn’t have time to read this, I am too occupied doing push-ups right now.
” I live inside of a tree and I don’t need anybody.”
Well, that’s one concerned roommate 🙂
I’ll be in my pillow fort.
“I can only do three pushups before I have an orgasm”
I love how specific and derogatory “most Americans” is. Outside America, of course, we have push-ups for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We commute to work on push-ups and birthday parties for everyone over the age of six contain a minimum of twenty three push-ups.
Pushups are part of the Mediterranean diet
French children do push ups in their sleep.
I tried to laugh quietly at this thread but I accidentally SHRIEKED and everyone’s asleep oh no
Does anyone remember the Roseanne episode where Johnny Galecki was brainwashed in the totally!not!Disney bootcamp bunker? “It says right in the training brochure, This is not a brainwashing camp!” One of the more successful of the show’s goofball episodes, I feel. I have nothing to add. Just, remember that thing that I also remember?!?
I prefer to exercise my core with helpless laughter at my desk reading The Toast comments.
(The key is to hug my elbows close, while failing to muffle my laughter)
Add me to the list of people for whom “I live inside of a tree and I don’t need anybody” is an aspirational quote.
Comments on my pushup attempts from my (male) grade eight gym teacher:
“No, you’re going too low! Your body isn’t supposed to touch the ground! No, you’re not going low enough! Your nose is supposed to be less than two inches from the ground! No, you’re letting your chest touch the ground again!”
Me: *tries to figure out a way to contort myself in such a manner that my nose is two inches from the ground but my chest isn’t touching the ground*
“No, your butt isn’t supposed to be up in the air! You’re doing this all wrong!”
Me: *gives up and never attempts a pushup again*
What if you got big boobs!? Your chest might graze the ground no matter how perfect your form is! (You made the right call giving up pushups forever.)
I believe that was, indeed, the problem. Which has only gotten worse in the years since I was in grade eight so… livin’ the push-up-free life!!
Why are all the gym teachers the most terrible people?
One actually laughed at me while I was attempting push-ups.
I found my 8th grade report card when I was cleaning my room. All of my other classes had teacher comments along the lines of “student excels in subject” or “student engages with the course material.” My PE teacher comment was “student always tries his/her best,” which I thought was a fairly sweet way of saying “your daughter will never excel physically, but she means well.”
I’ve given up trying to understand what perfect pushup form is and just do the one that i can feel in my arms and abs later. That’s right, right? Right.
I think you’re joking but honestly, yes? If something gets you tired then surely you worked some muscles right? Who cares which! I kind of don’t!
I’m semi joking and semi not because I, like you, think as long as I’m not hurting, any muscle work is good muscle work. This was more a comment on how if you search “push up form” you get like, 10 different guys (duh) claiming any other way is USELESS, as above shows.
I actually tried to do a pushup two weeks ago, for the first time since high school. (Mr. BourneApprox has been doing calisthenics in the morning, so I decided to see how I faired in adding it to my morning exercise.)
Five seconds later, both my feet cramped up and I doubled over on the ground in pain.
Hooray! Nothing’s changed!
My pushup form is ridiculous to nonexistent but luckily the trainer at my gym doesn’t care. My motto is “if my arms bend, it counts.”
I feel like we’re not even touching on the pure comedy of the comments on any Crossfit pullups video. People CARE.
“In the entire history of the world, no one has ever successfully performed a pushup. They’re all just dips”
You’re the fucking best, Mallory.
“If you do pushups with proper form, that’s the only exercise you ever need to do in order to achieve maximum fitness. No running, no weights. Just pushups. Only eat cashews and do pushups. That’s all the food and all the working out the human body needs. Cashews and pushups. I live inside of a tree and I don’t need anybody.”
This is straight from our Paleo brothers.
I can't do them because I have wonky elbows too. The only way I can do pushups is by pointing my fingers outward and bending my elbows backward towards my feet, rather that pointing my fingers forward and bending my elbows out to the sides.
The fruit is actually pretty good (but apparently impossible to ship?). It has weird persimmon similarities in the unripe –> extreme mouth puckering phenomenon.
That's a completely legitimate pushup and waaaay harder than the ones where you stick your elbows out to the side, so kudos!
The sticky-out elbow ones apparently let you use your shoulder muscles to help get you up and down, whereas the tucky-in ones are just brutalising your triceps. Or so my weights trainer told me smugly last week, while I was panting and flat on the floor.
Btw, I find pushups are ok, but I cannot even attempt monkey bars / chin ups. Every time I see a film where someone ends up hanging from a ledge, I just think, "yup, I'd've died straight away there."
YOU'RE a bad-ass nut.
Former ROTC hopeful here (I know, that’s a major credential), I have been through the Navy pushup regs very carefully and they are geometrically impossible. They want your hands directly below your shoulders and your upper arms parallel to the deck. That’s not how arms are shaped.
Former ROTC hopeful here (I know, that's a major credential), I have been through the Navy pushup regs very carefully and they are geometrically impossible. They want your hands directly below your shoulders and your upper arms parallel to the deck. That's not how arms are shaped.