Disclaimer: This post is sponsored by diet soda. Which one? Yes.
Are you drinking enough diet soda? A new study reveals the disturbing truth: No. you are not. Here, have a diet soda. Put some in your mouth, then swallow it when you’re done tasting it. Tastes good, right? Tastes like bubbles. It’s normal and good. Drink it however you want, fast or slow, as long as you drink it fast.
Studies show, diet soda? It’s real good for you. We gave some diet soda to a bunch of mice. Bunch of mice. Like fifteen. Want to know what happened to them? Great things. Normal things that were good too. See them all? Look how happy and normal they are. Normal eyes, normal face, normal mice. Normal from diet soda. Have another one! Another soda. Not a mouse. You can’t have the mice. We need them for more science.
Some people were real worried about the link between aspartame and cancer in lab rats. Well, don’t worry so much. We found out it was something else. Not aspartame. Different thing. Can’t remember the name offhand, but it was real different.
You want a diet soda? We’ve got some, if you want one. It’s real good for you. Full of soda diets. Mmmm.
What’s good? Diet soda. Drink it all the time. Are you drinking some right now? I am. This study shows you need a lot more if you want all your bones to stay in the same place. Your bones look so great. Have another diet soda. Are you worried about getting enough diet soda? Maybe you should be. If you don’t get enough, what will happen? Real bad is what.
“Public health officials are concerned about the consequences of consuming soft drinks, but these warnings definitely don’t matter for no-calorie sweeteners and diet soft drinks,” said the scientist. “Aspartame has been around a thousand years, maybe longer, and I’m still alive.” Thank you, scientist. Wave goodbye to the scientist. She’s going to go have her diet soda now, but she’ll be back later, still alive.
There’s a real opportunity here to bring people together to learn more about diet soda. Diet soda is a great way to not calories but still drink a lot of diet soda. You have questions about diet soda? Here, I wrote all your questions down. Get some facts. Take them home with you. Don’t take the mice, though. We still need them. What’s going to happen to you if you drink a lot of diet soda? Good, normal things. Have one right now. Normal eyes, normal face, diet soda.
[dont worry where this picture came from its none of your concern]
Tags: any diet soda it’s all good, diet soda, medical studies, not real sponsored posts, sponsored posts, things mallory does for no reason
Diet soda cons:
– objectively disgusting
– basically poison
Diet soda pros:
– cold and sweet and bubbly and magically calorie-free!
– hasn’t killed me yet!
Findings:
-this Cherry Coke Zero is fucking great.
Coke Zero basically changed my whole outlook on diet soda.
Can you actually taste a difference between Coke Zero and Diet Coke though? I can’t, they both have that chemical tinge (because regular Coke is so natural like meadow spring water, she added self-deprecatingly)
They taste WAY different to me. <3 U Coke Zero
They both taste like chemicals. Coke Zero tastes like less chemicals, though.
I find DC really bland and chemical. Like, all I taste is bubbles, water, and artificial caramel coloring. In the Zero I can detect more of the things that real Coke was once made of. I don’t know how much is natural and how much is fake, but I at least get notes of citrus and spice. Without getting all weird, I guess I’d just say that Zero is a more robust flavor experience.
This is an amazing comment! “notes of citrus and spice” = most perfect description of coke zero ever.
Coke Zero tastes like glazed doughnuts to me.
Controversial: I can absolutely taste a difference, and much prefer DC. If Diet Coke Cherry were around more I’d go for it every time, but Cherry Coke Zero is way easier to find.
Further diet soda pros: Diet Coke is the only thing that makes life worth living.
Signed, Five Days without Diet Coke and Why Am I Even Still Breathing
I’ve gone over twenty years without a Diet Coke (because I can’t have caffeine), and it gets better. OK, it doesn’t *really* get better, but I am still breathing.
I am impressed by your continued survival! I’m hoping this is not a permanent situation, as I’m maybe a tiny bit knocked up and Diet Coke just doesn’t appeal at the moment. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss it like anything.
The day the vending machine guy started stocking our office machine with Coke Zero was a great and terrible day.
Cherry and regular Coke Zero are also great mixes for the brown liquor of your choice (the vanilla is always A Bit Much though).
Yes, I like a black rum (goslings) plus coke zero plus a ton of lime, like some kind of bastard Cuba Libre.
brb going to the store because: that sounds like clouds of rainbow heaven
COKE ZERO FOREVER
(also: yes, I am drinking one right now)
Cherry Coke Zero is the only Zero I’ll drink… it’s Diet Coke for me all the way. (Or Diet Dr Pepper because Taylor Hanson said it was the best back in 1997, why?)
Sorry, but the real reason you shouldn’t drink diet soda is because it tastes terrible. I can’t tell much difference between Mexican cane sugar Coke and American high-fructose corn syrup Coke, but I sure as shit know when I taste diet.
*opens 4th can of generic vanilla coke*
On the occasions when I order Coke in a restaurant, about half the time, the server brings Diet Coke, so I get a BLECH HORRIBLE first sip and then get to send it back. (I don’t know if those servers are just operating on autopilot and give me what the majority of their female customers order, or if they’re making assumptions based on my weight, or what. BUT I DO NOT LIKE IT, NO MA’AM.)
The Fella very politely but firmly refused to believe that I could distinguish between all-sugar Coke and HFCS Coke, so one year when the Passover Coke came into season, we did a blind taste test. I picked out the all-sugar Coke unhesitatingly every time, over and over. He tasted it, too, and determined that “yeeeeeah, there is a difference, I guess…” but he preferred the HFCS Coke — I suspect because it tastes more like Pepsi, which he prefers.
Oh yeah I do think that the sugar Coke does taste better, but to me the difference doesn’t mean I can’t drink regular Coke, unlike the difference between regular and diet. And that includes Coke Zero which is just repackaged Diet Coke for the purpose of reinforcing/cashing in on the gender binary (because diet Coke isn’t macho).
Oh, yeah, I’m not playing at being Too Good For Regular Ol’ Coke. I WILL DRINK IT PLEASE. (Partly because it’s my go-to remedy for preventing migraines. Partly because pizza & Coke, oh hell yes.)
Passover Coke? Tell us more about Passover Coke.
“[B]ecause Coca-Cola sold in the United States is typically sweetened using high-fructose corn syrup, a legume product by the definitions of Jewish kosher law, Jews of European ancestry cannot drink it during Passover, owing to their tradition of abstaining from legumes as well as from grain during the festival. Therefore, while Jews of Sephardic ancestry can drink it, Coca-Cola sweetened with corn syrup is not labelled Kosher for Passover in order to avoid confusion. In the weeks leading up to Passover, United States bottlers in certain markets with a substantial Jewish population substitute cane sugar for high-fructose corn syrup in order to obtain Kosher for Passover certification.”
It has a yellow cap with kosher certification noted on it. In my grocery store, there’s often a big display of Passover Coke in the seasonal Passover aisle, but sometimes they’re mixed into the soda-aisle displays and bumpers, too.
I have mixed feelings about selfishly drinking up Passover Coke for non-religious reasons, so I often hold off until Passover is almost over, then buy several bottles. But I figure buying more shows the store the demand is high, which means they’ll order more next year, right? … right? I haven’t worked out my ethical stance on this VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE yet.
Wow, we never get Passover Coke down here. (Of course, we always can get Mexican Coke, so that’s cool.) What’s more, my “sometimes my rules on kosher are more rigid than at other times, good luck guessing if the dish you bring will be served or not!”aunt hasn’t brought this up once. Now I get to decide whether to mention it next time she sets out the sodas for the holidays! Fun!
The Passover prohibition of maize is, I think, only an Ashkenazi thing, so depending on her heritage, it’s not too surprising if she doesn’t follow it.
Before you become certain that you never get the Passover Coke in your area, take a close look at the soda aisle during Passover. The yellow cap with kosher certification (or, apparently, a white cap in Chicago) is the only difference in packaging, so if you weren’t specifically looking for it, you’d probably never notice.
YES. I am normally not one to send anything back (or engage in any sort of confrontation, ever) even if I am in the right, EXCEPT IF IT’S EVIL DIET COKE. And I love that moment of other people being like, “Oh, I’m sure you can’t tell” YES, yes I can do not doubt me, that aftertaste is hell.
I have a frequent dining companion who augments my polite correction by making elaborate I’m-sorry faces and offering long, sometimes made-up explanations of why I don’t want diet. I have told her that she doesn’t need to make up a story for the server; the server wants to get the order right and doesn’t care why I ordered it, and that “I ordered regular, this is diet” is all the reason I need. Yet she persists.
It makes me speculate unfairly about her boundary-setting abilities and also makes me 100% more likely, when in her presence, to cheerfully and patiently correct orders i might otherwise have accepted with a shrug.
I’ve had this happen to me too. Frequently while out to dinner with my parents. My parents both usually order Diet Coke, I drink regular, and frequently they give my Dad the regular and me the Diet. But I can taste the difference and I switch when needed.
Also one time I ordered a regular on an airplane, they gave me diet, and then when I said that it was wrong, they disagreed. I said I could taste the difference and then I overheard the flight attendant being snarky about it when she went to get me a fresh one.
Yeah, I REALLY like the sugar coke (my grocery store usually stocks Mexican coke, so yay!), but there’s a weird sour taste to the HFCS version that I don’t like. I don’t hate it, but I’m not going to rot my teeth for something so “eh.”
yeah me too. My mom and sister are big diet-soda people, but it just tastes awful.
Oooooh but Diet Sunkist is so good. Mmmmmm
Ugh, totally. I can’t even eat things cooked or baked with fake sugar substitutes (there aren’t very many successful, but then there are…)
It’s just some of the nastiest stuff ever. People tell me I’ll get used to it, but is getting used to it really enjoying it? My Cherry Coke habit is not going to turn into a Cherry Coke Zero habit, because I can’t even finish a single can of that stuff. And, anyway, if I’m trying to cut out cokes from my diet because of the caffeine and sugar, I should be cutting out ALL cokes, so that I learn to stop craving the fizziness altogether.
The problem with what you are saying about it tasting terrible is that it is the polar opposite of truth. Not-truth. Un-truth. I don’t know the technical term.
I tried so hard to find a clip of the Daria episode “Fizz Ed” to leave here, but there is a distressing lack of quality Daria videos on YouTube. Someone should do something about this.
YouTube used to have ALL the Daria. Back in the good ol’ days. Now Amazon Prime has it at least. It may have been the deciding factor in me coughing up the dough to get Prime.
This title! ! Also, I just noticed the extra title on my browser bar or whatever it’s called. How long have those been there? Is there no END to the features and furbelows you people will add to enrich the Toast experience?
OMG thank you for pointing that out.
Also how long have these little “active XX minutes ago” things been around for the drop-down comment replies?
My husband jokes that Diet Coke will keep my insides perfectly perserved FOREVER.
DIET DR PEPPER MOTHERFUCKERS
it is a constant source of rage and vexation to me that Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper is only available in diet version where I live.
THAT’S THE BEST VERSION THOUGH
It is also HIGHLY EXCELLENT for mixing with rum.
FUCK YES
Is that the one only for men?
Oh, man, can someone (Mallory?) PLEASE do a sponsored post for [insert soda here] TEN: THE DIET COLAS FOR MEN?
edit: “Sponsored.”
No that’s Dr Pepper 10, or something, because those 10 brand-new calories really distinguish a MANLY DRINK from a delicate flower sippin’ beverage.
Sometimes we run low on it at work and I will leave my desk to sink under a pile of bills and run out to the store to pick up some cases of it immediately, because what if someone takes the last one and the new cans haven’t had time to chill yet? That would suck and then I’d have hulk rage and then the bills would never get paid and we’d go out of business and it would be bad.
im doing donuts on my bike waving my shirt over my head yelling THE DIET PEPSI IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN THE COKE ONE
The way I see it is that I have a Diet Coke everyday. I don’t smoke or do drugs, but I need my Diet Coke fix each and every day. They can take it from my cold dead hands.
Also, I have to disagree with icebergmama about Coke Zero being repackaged Diet Coke. It is not the same. I don’t know the difference but IT IS NOT THE SAME. Not undrinkable when the Diet Coke is out but definitely not the same.
ETA: I sometimes have a regular Coke (like when I’m hungover – it’s like a magical cure for hangovers) and I honestly don’t think I can tell the difference between cane sugar or HFCS.
I think Coke Zero has splenda, vs. aspartame in Diet Coke. To me, they both taste horrible, but in slightly different ways, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask.
#SplendaIsDisgusting
Different sweetener blend, also it’s the “manlier” sugar-free Coke product. Because Coke raised me (under similar circumstances to those of The Truman Show) I have knowledge that Diet Coke was perceived as too much of a ladydrink. This was at time before the term “guyet” wasn’t referenced beer commercials. Coke Zero is basically Diet Coke that Coke’ marketing department felt would appeal to men by not mentioning its dietness. When it first came out it had a football on it. Also it’s in black can, so it’s like it’s wearing a tuxedo and driving a luxury car. Virile! There was also an ad campaign where dudes like slam-dunked in space while a Coke Zero spun in the background.
I want SO BADLY for this to be a for-reals sponsored post.
This…. kind of makes me want a diet soda. Even though I dislike soda in general, especially the diet variety.
I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to drink more diet soda. Sorry diet soda manufacturers.
(Diet Mt. Dew, Coke Zero for pref)
I drink DC with Splenda. I kid myself I’m doing myself a favor.
The way I see it, if diet soda wants to kill me, it’ll have to get in line with everything else.
More to the point: did you see this incredible video from Nature of a grasshopper mouse taking down a scorpion? I want my diet soda to be made from grasshopper mice so I can do that shit too. http://www.nature.com/news/rodent-immune-to-scorp…
I read the headline and opened a diet coke.
Now to read the article!
I saw this in my Feedly and was like, “Choire, what are you doing.” YOU GOT ME MALLORY
At one of my recent excruciating dental appointments, I mentioned that I’d stopped drinking soda for the sake of my teeth and my dentist was pleased and then quickly added MAKE SURE YOU DON’T JUST SWITCH TO DIET, IT’S REALLY ACIDIC, IT’S NO BETTER FOR YOUR TEETH AT ALL. Every diet soda triggers a migraine so that is not an issue.
I… I miss coke so much. SO MUCH. So, so much. *sob*
A friend of mine was drinking 12 (12!) Diet Dr. Peppers a day, with the occasional diet Monster thrown in there. He then skipped the dentist for three years and when he finally went, it took three separate appointments to fix all the damage he’d done to his teeth.
I guess he figured since it was diet it was ok? I don’t know. Moral of the story is go to the dentist and indulge in moderation.
Yeah, a lot of people assume that since there’s no sugar diet sodas are ok to slam back with no reservations, when in truth AHHH ACIDIC and also they can up the chances for a lot of people to develop kidney stones.
There’s some suggestion that “meth mouth” is actually in large part the result of excess soda consumption, since a lot of people who abuse meth also live in areas where water isn’t safe to drink (or tastes gross) so they tend to drink more soda than is usual.
The “things mallory does for no reason” is my favorite tag on The Toast.
I like basically every diet soda except for Coke Light. Just, fuck you, Europe.
Normal eyes, normal face, can’t lose.
Diet Pepsi > Diet Mountain Dew > Diet Coke > Diet Dr. Pepper > Coke Zero.
But I love them all. I actually actively prefer the diet pops over the HFCS pop. It tastes much better to me.
I do not understand any of you. For one thing, everyone knows it’s called “pop.” Pop, diet or not, is just sickeningly sweet. It is so gross. You might as well just drink straight maple syrup.
Actually that sounds pretty good. Better than diet pop, that’s for sure.
WORD. It’s pop. And it’s gross. Just drink beer instead–much better for you.
Between this and the ‘woman lives alone; prefers animals to humans’ post, I think someone reeeally wanted me to feel judged this week.
Yes, I’m starting to suspect there’s a webcam hidden in my home somewhere.
I have a frequent dining companion who augments my polite correction by making elaborate I'm-sorry faces and offering long, sometimes made-up explanations of why I don't want diet. I have told her that she doesn't need to make up a story for the server; the server wants to get the order right and doesn't care why I ordered it, and that "I ordered regular, this is diet" is all the reason I need. Yet she persists.
It makes me speculate unfairly about her boundary-setting abilities and also makes me 100% more likely, when in her presence, to cheerfully and patiently correct orders i might otherwise have accepted with a shrug.
WORD. It's pop. And it's gross. Just drink beer instead–much better for you.
The Passover prohibition of maize is, I think, only an Ashkenazi thing, so depending on her heritage, it's not too surprising if she doesn't follow it.
Before you become certain that you never get the Passover Coke in your area, take a close look at the soda aisle during Passover. The yellow cap with kosher certification (or, apparently, a white cap in Chicago) is the only difference in packaging, so if you weren't specifically looking for it, you'd probably never notice.
“Not a mouse. You can’t have the mice. We need them for more science.”
Mallory, I’m saving this and adding it to my draft syllabus about the history of biology, and some day, some class of keen undergraduates is going to print off their weekly readings (or have them beamed directly into their heads, whatever the hot technology is 10+ years down the road) and run into this reading amidst a sea of Very Serious Articles about standardized study organisms, and it will be glorious.
"mix" also in: Brockville, Ontario and Guelph, Ontario. See: my highschool years; my university years.
I heart diet soda! But my sister does not, because she is allergic to artificial sweeteners, and I think this is important to share. A) Persistent headaches might be linked to artificial sweeteners. B) Artificial sweeteners are in EVERYTHING so even if you think you’ve tried going without them, you probably haven’t (with her, it turned out to be Flintstones vitamins). C) This country has really waged an effective war on sugar gum.
5 days late, but I want “Normal Eyes, Normal Face, Diet Soda” on a tote bag or something.
Also, I was getting some serious Welcome to Night Vale vibes reading this. From now on, all of Mallory’s posts will be read by Cecil Baldwin in my head.