Le Coeur Palpitant boasts one of the finest cellars of non-perishable energy drinks from all over the world, including some exciting new concoctions from up-and-coming factories throughout the Rust Belt.
We offer individual cans or six-packs. In exceptional cases, and for a small corkage fee, we do allow diners to bring in their own energy drink if we cannot find it in a convenience store within our area code. We also offer an extensive tasting flight, though you will have to sign a waiver beforehand. C’est la vie!
If you would, please direct your attention then to the treadmill installed next to your table. I strongly recommend using it between each course. Oui, the “Aerobic” setting would be best. And one more thing: should you wish at any point to call our on-site paramedics, simply activate the provided medical alert bracelets.
Pour commencer, may I inquire as to what your post-dinner plans are? Nightclub? Rager? Ah, the opera. Wagner you say? Well then, I’d recommend a 5-hour Energy shot to start. It’s a tad sweet but still very light on the palate. I recommend giving it a good swirl to really bring out that metallic bouquet. Excellent, I’ll be right back with that.
Marvelous running form, Monsieur. May I be so bold as to ask which flavor of Doritos you prefer? This will give me a better sense of what drink flavors to suggest. Cool Ranch? A fine preference.
Alors, for fish, I have a very nice Cuba-Lima Monster drink that perfectly complements the seared sea bass. For our featured meat dish, it is non-negotiable. The filet mignon absolutely must go with a hearty Red Bull—on this classic pairing I will not budge.
If you’re looking for something unique, our 2010 Rock Star is an excellent choice. Strident yet coquettish, it’s from a very nice year before the government started cracking down on arsenic levels. And for the truly adventurous, our own brewmaster has devised a secret blend of Far East imports, NOS and castor oil that is generating quite a buzz.
Pepsi? Mais oui, we do have Pepsi, but might I recommend instead a delicious new brand, Full Throttle? It has just as much processed sugar and twice the caffeine. I’ll stake my sommelier’s license that you’ll enjoy it. Or perhaps a VPX Redline, with its hints of athletic socks, dried toothpaste and coriander? It goes very well with the venison, which can be exhausting to chew, n’est-ce pas?
Et voilà, Monsieur. Your drink. You’ll notice that I’m decanting it into a glass beaker, which is done to better display the ditch-water hue. Comment? Yes, I believe 10 is the treadmill’s maximum speed.
Bravo, I see that your glass is empty. Un peu jittery, are we? Fear not. Uncontrollable twitching is wonderful for digestion.
Perhaps an after-dinner drink for Monsieur? Merveilleux. First we must monitor your heart rate. If it’s under 190, we can offer you an exquisite digestif: a private reserve Blueberry Lemonade Four Loko, which—touchons du bois—will still be legal in this state by the time your check arrives.
Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur, but would you be so kind as to dismount? We have a 30-minute limit on the exercise machines during dinner service. No, no, don’t be silly. We’ll wipe it down for you.
It was a pleasure to serve you tonight at Le Coeur Palpitant, and sweet dreams.
[Image via Wikipedia]
Matt Seidel is a writer living in Durham, NC. His articles can be found here.