1. Enrolled in the Head Start Program
2. Wore invisible spandex to discourage opponents from riding in their slipstream
3. Funded mountaintop removal mining
4. Neglected to hand signal before turning
5. Failed to declare winnings on tax returns
6. Competed via hologram from a SoulCycle studio
7. Tattooed yellow jersey on torso
8. Conspired against the King of the Mountains
9. Infected rival’s power meter with the Stuxnet virus
10. Infected rival with Bordetella pertussis
11. Infected rival with an infectious enthusiasm for lawn chairs
12. Photobombed the podium
13. Cuckolded one of the redoubtable Luxembourgian brothers, Frank and Andy Schleck (preferably Frank)
14. Bribed an opposing team’s domestique with two free water bottles and an HBO GO password
15. Hypnotized the peloton
16. Seceded from the International Cycling Union during a breakaway
17. Got out of the saddle and into a car
18. Stole every extant copy of the race route
19. Dodged a drafter
20. Read Timothy Ferriss’ “The 4-Hour Tour de France Champion”
21. Just relaxed and were themselves…on steroids, EPO or human growth hormone
Tags: humor, matt seidel, the tour de france
Oh man, I miss the TDF already.
Bright side: I’m now neck-and-neck with Lance for number of TDF titles won.
Bright side: I'm now neck-and-neck with Lance for number of TDF titles won.
hahah I like the idea of no. 12. Photobombed the podium
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