Poor Lily Bart! She makes such terrible choices, doesn’t she? Happily, on her way to that house party in Rhinebeck, she donned a pair of Ellison: Whiskey Tortoise sunglasses, allowing her to keep her eyes on the prize (ensnaring the wealthy Percy Gryce) without getting distracted by the dazzling charms of her true love, Lawrence Selden, AND conceal her hangover at the same time! Despite such perfect success at her stated aim, Lily realized she loved Lawrence best after all, gave Percy his ring back, and chose to live happily ever after, avoiding unsightly outer-eye wrinkles all the while.
Truly, theirs turned out to be a House of Mirth.
When Fitzwilliam Darcy arrived at the ball, he grimly scanned the faces of the dancers, seeing nothing but vapidity and dull wits. About to grab his hat and depart, his eyes fell on Miss Elizabeth Bennet, whose keen wit and piercing intelligence were set off to perfection by her Ripley: Oak Barrel frames.
“Miss Bennet,” Darcy said, haltingly. “I do not think I’d ever appreciated quite how ideal a pair of fine eyes could be, when combined with the right glasses. Marry me at once?”
“Mr. Darcy,” Lizzy said, laughing. “Rumor had it that such an unmixed compliment was beyond you!”
“I have but one other question, darling Lizzy…”
“Yes, Fitzwilliam. They come in men’s sizes too.”
Jo March delightedly unwrapped her Rowan: Graphite Fog glasses, a present from Teddy commemorating her engagement to Prof. Bhaer.
“Oh, Teddy,” she said. “You always know me so well. These have the clean lines and slightly-masculine aesthetic I value in all my possessions and pursuits.”
As she put them on, her eyes met her fiance’s with a new clarity.
“Prof. Bhaer, until this moment, I didn’t understand that I cannot possibly marry you. These glasses have made me realize that you’re far too old and dull for me, with very little respect for my writing. I’m sorry, but you had best return to Germany.”
“But, Jo, what will you do? Will you never marry?”
“Perhaps someday…in Boston.”
As he sadly doffed his hat and backed towards the door, Jo waved distractedly at him. She was already wondering if Meg wanted a pair, too.
“Anne, I’m so terribly sorry for having made fun of your carroty hair. With my Duckworth: Oak Barrel glasses on my nose, I can now appreciate the glorious auburn hue of your flowing tresses. Truly, they shine like the evening sun.”
“Gilbert, to be honest, I always thought you were a tedious sort of pretty-boy, but now that you’re wearing those frames, you seem like a true intellectual partner for me. We may only be children now, but I suspect that we’ll bypass three solid books of hand-waving and marry as equals. You’ll be a fine doctor, and I’ll actually keep writing, instead of just having eighteen or nineteen of your children. Three children and nineteen books, that’s what I’ll do instead!”
“And all thanks to Warby Parker.”
“Wait, I thought Joe Starks was mayor here in Eatonville?”
“Well, we were going to appoint him, being a man and naturally better suited for leadership, but Janie was so good at running their general store, and looked so darn capable in her Holcomb: Marbled Sandstone glasses, we all sat down and decided to give HER the keys to the town instead.”
“What’s Joe doing?
“Sulking, mostly. But he’s turned out to be a fine cook and keeps the house tidy. Janie doesn’t have time for that nonsense, she’s been too busy putting the town to rights.”
“I thought things seemed better-run around here.”
“They sure do. Let’s go see if Joe’s made a cherry pie for the bake sale.”
“For the new elementary school Janie’s building.”
“This town has CHANGED.”
“It sure has.”
What can Warby Parker do for YOU?
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.