Nacho, a beloved miniature horse, was so small he was able to walk underneath your table. This was almost unbearably cute. People fainted from the cuteness. They came from all around the world to faint from the cuteness. Sadly, Nacho was attacked, under cover of a snowstorm, by a cougar about 400 meters from the barn where the ridiculously cute miniature horse lived at a ranch outside of Calgary, Alberta. Unfortunately, Nacho did not survive the encounter. This passing was made even more heartbreaking when Nacho’s list of New Year’s resolutions was recently made public, and The Toast has agreed to share them, but with the understanding that they only wish to celebrate Nacho’s life and the dreams of all small horses to be more than nature made them:
In 2014 I am going to try to be the very best miniature horse that I can be. I no longer want to be defined by others, investing my sense of self and well-being in how they respond to me, but rather define myself and lead a life that is true to who I am as a miniature horse.
1. Learn to deal with stress better.
2. I am going to radically cut back on the number of apples I eat. More grass and hay, fewer carbs. The Glycemic Index of apples is very high and this is causing me some pretty dramatic mood swings, where I find myself acting in ways that are not reflective of the real Nacho.
3. Make SINCERE effort to reconnect with my brother. I have to acknowledge that some of the difficulties I’ve had with Rumbler over the years are due to my own insecurities. It’s not his fault that he had a successful rodeo career and is now a prized stud, just as it’s not my fault that I’m a cute, little miniature horse.
4. Do something new and daring with mane, add a little edge to my persona.
5. Stop using the word little so much. It’s a product of my insecurity and self-consciousness and it eats away at my self-esteem.
6. Get involved in local choir.
7. Lose some weight and try to fit back into my favourite old saddle with the stars on it. Size 4.
8. Stop trying to play with cougar roaming the edge of the farm property. He’s clearly not interested so I should just respect his boundaries.
9. Finally, create online dating profile. I am 18 years old now; it’s time to put my fears aside and attempt to have an adult relationship. I think I have a lot to offer.
10. Stop stalking Gordon Ramsey.
11. Continue to walk with Jesus, remembering always that the meek shall inherit the earth.
12. Make friends with a bird or a chicken.
Michael Murray writes for a host of high-falutin' publications, blogs like an Olympian and has won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest. You should be his Facebook friend.