The Toast does not endorse Drew’s advice, but you can email us if you have questions for her. Don’t, though.
Dear Drew,
I love that my boyfriend has a close relationship with his parents, but going over to their house for the holidays? Not so much. They live out of town, so whenever we visit, we have to stay in his old room, and having his mom around 24/7 kind of kills our sex vibe. How can I tell my bf that this year that even though I want to spend Christmas with his family, I’d rather he’d unwrap HIS present in a hotel?
Thanks,
Horny in Hartford
***
Dear Hartford,
I want you to try an exercise. Take out a sheet of paper and with a colored marker (or pen), write down one word: “womanhood.”
Now, take a different colored writing utensil and right between the letters “m” and “a,” I want you to insert a big, uppercase “B.”
You see what you did there? You took the language of the male gaze and rendered it powerless with just one letter. Reclaim your wombanhood.
Sex can be a beautiful, sensual experience without all the hangups of our socially constructed “family units,” laboring under the repressive yoke of “good first impressions.”
When you stop buying into the hegemonic rhetoric that women have to be at odds with their partner’s mothers, your eyes will be open to the fact that you have more in common with her than the phallic life-partner you’ve chosen. Literally: You and his mother both have fallopian tubes, labia, a uterus (probably) and have the ability to bring life into this world. Out of all the people gathered at the Thanksgiving table this year, she is the only other person who has also had your lover grow inside her, and that is a magical thing.
So how do you forge a bond with the one who carried the love of your life for nine hours of grueling labor? One good tip is to take her hand while she’s passing the mashed potatoes, look deep into her eyes and let her know how much you admire her sacrifice.
Something like: “Your son and I were planning on going upstairs later in order to create a new life, and we’d appreciate some privacy.” Visual cues never hurt; rub your belly to let her know you are talking about the miracle of pregnancy. If she’s kind of dense, use some cranberries and creamed corn to simulate the awe-inspiring mysteries of childbirth.
Don’t be surprised if you come across some friction. If your new fam seems to take offense at your inappropriate dinner-table shenanigans–Which, right, women have only been giving birth for billions of year out in fields and forests where the placenta is left attached until it falls off naturally in a month or so; nothing inappropriate about that!–it’s time to play that trump card. Yeah, the one that starts with the letter G. No, not “glans.” Grandkids.
“Oh, I didn’t know you weren’t planning to have any grandchildren,” is a good response, because right, there is nothing old women hate more than to fill their empty, sad little lives by taking your newborn for a month or two while you are busy decompressing at that amazing epicurian afterbirth class-slash-ashram that your DJ/doula told you about. Right. Um, if that is actually the case you might have a monster-in-law on your hands and those vibes are not what you need right now as a beautiful, possibly ovulating flower. Give your bf an ultimatum: He’s got to choose…either his mom, or his pre-pre-natal goddess.
Now, I’ve had boyfriends in the past try to condemn my “inappropriate” mealtime bond session. But you know what? If your guy starts to act cold and distant– all of a sudden it’s like you two didn’t meet at that mandatory Gender Studies seminar senior year at Bard–maybe it’s time you remind him who wears the real Diva Cup in this relationship.
Of course, you can always compromise by sneaking away to the pantry and engaging in furtive mutual masturbation under the guise of looking for the honey pecan pie crumble.
Is that Meemaw knocking at the slatted door? Don’t worry: the element of getting caught makes this red-faced endeavor even more of a sensual thrill-ride.
Who said only the turkey needs to be basted this holiday season?
Won’t somebody think of the cranberries?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Kspj3OO0s <—-relevant
Out of all the people gathered at the Thanksgiving table this year, she is the only other person who has also had your lover grow inside her, and that is a magical thing.
I just hurt something deep within my sinuses attempting to stifle the snort that this induced. THANKS, DREW.
(No, really, thanks, Drew.)
I actually made the *hyurg* sound with that line. And then started cackling.
I was trying to figure out how to spell the noise I made when I read that sentence – I think you’ve got it, so thank you.
Oh good christ on a bicycle – I am spending next week with the boyfriend and there will be dinner with his mother involved… How on earth am I going to keep a straight face?
This line destroyed me.
YOU HOPE! There’s going to be a serious dear prudence follow up if this statement isn’t true.
My mouth was hanging open for so long after reading this line it kind of dried out a little
I’m all stuffed up from a cold, so the snort/gargle this produced was pretty epic.
Also, for reasons unknown to me, I read this whole thing in the voice of Kristen Schaal, which is…recommended.
If The Toast makes this a regular series, I would happily pay them for an audiobook collection read by Kristen Schaal. I would even “Kickstart” (ew, verbing) it.
Ah, THANK YOU!
“where the placenta is left attached until it falls off naturally in a month or so”
Since I am not a vegetarian, I will be chewing the umbilical cord to release the placenta after one week, because- NATURE!
wombanhood
*dies*
she is the only other person who has also had your lover grow inside her
*tiny screams*
Best part
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!
I know right.
I can’t unsee that line. It’s going to be with me forever. THANKS, THE HYPHEN TOAST DOT NET.
All I’m saying is, if I’m going to use food to simulate the awe-inspiring mysteries of childbirth, I’m damn sure incorporating the turkey.
The best part was when I almost-proudly sent this to family members.
Yeah, that’s right. You SHOW him who wears the DivaCup in this relationship!! (As someone who JUST joined the Cult of Diva as an enthusiastic acolyte, I appreciate this so hard right now.)
…as if sneaking in “quiet! shhhh!” sex in his bedroom across the hall from theirs isn’t the most fun thing.
HETERONORMATIVE
the tone of this was so perfectly apt for Completely Inexplicable Yet Very Enthusiastic Sex/Relationship Advice that it was ALmost convincingly sincere. very well done.