Questions Brought On By The I, Frankenstein Trailer That Were Not Answered By I, Frankenstein Eo Ipso -The Toast

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ecklesPreviously, and pertinently: Questions Brought On By The “I, Frankenstein” Trailer.

Original Question: Why would someone say “Frankenstein. The rumors are true” about a Frankenstein monster? There are no Frankenstein rumors; it was a book. Frankenstein isn’t like vampires; there aren’t old Central European legends about errant Frankensteins living in the woods and hating gargoyles. There aren’t any Frankenstein rumors. There is a Frankenstein novel. The character saying “The rumors are true” does as as he literally pulls a copy of Frankenstein off of a bookshelf. 
Status: Answered. The novel does not exist in-universe (EVEN THOUGH THE CREDITS OFFER “SPECIAL THANKS TO MARY SHELLEY”); the book is the actual Dr. Frankenstein’s actual medical diary. Okay. The movie (pretty accurately) dispenses with the plot of Frankenstein in about two minutes; then it gets to the gargoyles. So far, so gargoyles. This one was on me; I was too quick to get nervous and I did not trust the filmmakers to take me on a journey.

Original Question: Why is a feud between Frankenstein(s) and gargoyles being presented as one that should be familiar to viewers? I could buy that in Underworld. Vampires and werewolves have sort of generally evolved as being opposed to one another. But to my knowledge, there is no quarrel between Frankenstein(s) and gargoyles. They are not natural enemies.
Status: Answered, trickily. The fight was never between Frankensteins and gargoyles at all; the fight was between gargoyles and demons, who barely made an appearance in the trailer. Frankenstein had to decide if he would help the gargoyles or not; he was the deciding factor in the eternal struggle between demons and architecture.

Original Question: If there is no point during the movie where Aaron Eckhart stops to correct someone, “Actually, Frankenstein is the name of the scientist, technically I am Frankenstein’s monster,” the screenwriters have missed a solid joke opportunity.
Status: This was not actually a question, but I am hardly going to accuse myself. Partially answered; at one point Bill Nighy refers to Aaron Eckhart as “Frankenstein’s monster,” which I can only assume was a half-hearted nod to the two pedants who might consider seeing this movie. The rest of the time he was referred to as Frankenstein, except for when the High Queen of the Gargoyles (who was, pleasingly, referred to as “The High Queen of the Gargoyles” instead of her name early and often) named him “Adam.” It almost seemed to turn into a first-name-Adam/last-name-Frankenstein situation, which makes no one happy.

Original Question: I have never believed in anything half so strongly as Aaron Eckhart believes in the line “There isn’t. Unless you could animate that corpse.”
Status: Fully answered; they did animate those corpses. They even had little dealies on the front of their corpse barrels that said “CORPSE REANIMATION” and a little percentage that ticked from 00% COMPLETE to 01% COMPLETE when they started recharging the corpses with…I forget. A lot of electricity, I bet.

Original Question: If the television show Gargoyles taught me nothing else, it is that gargoyles cannot fly while in stone form, much less change back and forth from stone to flesh willy-nilly. What gargoyle continuity is this film operating under?
Status: NOT ANSWERED IN THE SLIGHTEST; THIS WAS BOTH EGREGIOUS AND INSULTING. There was no discernable difference in strength or stamina between each gargoyle’s stone and flesh form. They were equally capable of movement and flight in each, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. In fact, if anything, it’s absurd that they would ever transform into their fleshly forms, because their stone forms appear to be more impervious to pain. There is literally no advantage in switching out of stone form, ever.

Original Question: I have no problem with Frankenstein speaking in full sentences; that is an artistic license I am perfectly willing to grant. That is not a question. I just wanted to make my feelings on the matter known.
Status: Right ho.

Original Question: It is clear that the gargoyles (led in some form by Bill Nighy?) are enemies of humanity, but the sleeping army of “tens of thousands” of other Frankensteins would “spell doom for all humanity,” which means they should be on the same side. Why they are they shown fighting?
Status: Explained: I was wrong. Bill Nighy wasn’t a gargoyle. Bill Nighy wants to fill all those Frankensteins up with demons because Frankenstein bodies don’t have souls (except don’t worry, Frankenstein I gets a soul. Have you seen season 7 of Buffy? Basically like how Spike gets his), so that’s why they’re fighting.

Original Question: Why can all of the Frankensteins fly
Status: SOME BULLSHIT. Those weren’t Frankensteins at all! You never even see the army of Frankensteins come to life, which is SOME BULLSHIT. Those were a bunch of demons, who can fly/crack human spines with a single hand/have super speed, and yet never bring a single weapon to a fight against gargoyles. Oh my God, it was like watching the Battle of the Somme vs. Iwo Jima. It was so one-sided. The demons just kept pouring over the walls in dinner jackets with literally zero weapons to fight a bunch of massive gargoyles wielding double battle-axes. They didn’t bring anything. Not even guns! NOT EVEN GUNS. Not even shields, or a switchblade! Just their own useless bodies. SOME. BULLSHIT.

Original Question: You will never convince me that the girl in this movie is not Lena Headey. This is also not a question.
Status: It wasn’t her, but the other girl was Eowyn! She was…a real disappointment. Turns out being Queen of the Gargoyles gives you exactly none powers, and you can get kidnapped by a single mooky demon, despite the fact that all demons can basically be neutralized by a love tap from a blessed nail clipper.

New Question: Why did Frankenstein have stitches all over his face like someone sewed eight heads together? Frankenstein just had one head. One head, one skin, one face.

New Question: At one point, a dying female gargoyle implored Aaron Eckhart not to help her survive because her gargoyle partner had just died/Ascended, and that they would finally be allowed to date one another in Heaven, even though dating had been forbidden to them on earth.


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