Things Alanis Morissette Does Not Want To Be

by Langan Kingsley · January 28, 2014

3833012_15666607-plwfr2_bThis post brought to you by our commenter Millper.

  1. The filler if the void is solely yours.
  2. The glass of single malt whiskey hidden in your bottom drawer.
  3. The dust-covered gummy bears at the bottom of your purse.
  4. The weather-worn grin.
  5. The actor that always plays serial killers and villains–you definitely know the one I’m talking about. No, not Peter Sarsgaard. That other guy. The one with the eyes.
  6. The iPhone 5s.
  7. The CAPTCHA.
  8. The embroidered throw pillow.
  9. The Spring 2007 Chico’s catalogue.
  10. The last row on the Greyhound bus right next to the bathroom.
  11. The baked potato.
  12. The three panel cartoon that you never really “get.”
  13. The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
  14. The coffee shop on your block that you never want to go into because it’s kinda quiet and the owner always tries to start a conversation with you but it’s on the way to the subway so sometimes you have no choice.
  15. The only adult at a matinee screening of One Direction: This Is Us (3D).
  16. The mason jar full of hand-picked wildflowers at the wedding reception of a couple you both envy and resent.
  17. The Maxxinista.
  18. The collected short stories of a little-known contemporary American author.
  19. The award for best supporting actress goes to.
  20. The crap that your father still has not cleared out of the goddamned basement.
  21. The smell of the sea in summertime.
  22. The delicate tissue T.
  23. The green switch–no, the green one. GODDAMN IT, I SAID THE GREEN SWITCH! OH GOD NO STOP STOP–DON’T TOUCH THE RED ONE! JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! OH SWEET GOD PRAY FOR US ALL.
  24. The I’m actually in a bit of a rush right now but you make a good point about Obama not doing enough about climate change but anyway thank you so much for the coffee and the scone and yea I’ll definitely look at some of those sites speaking of which how much was the coffee and the scone?
  25. The Little Dipper.
  26. The Big Dipper.
  27. The waitress at Bennigans.
  28. The garlic breath.
  29. The new album by that band that looks like farmers but they’re not–they just dress like that.
  30. The CEO of Charmin toilet paper.
  31. The key grip.
  32. The bathroom key.
  33. The right boob.
  34. The lug wrench.
  35. The number 2 pencil.
  36. The cute one.
  37. The left boob.
  38. The coolest high school senior in this podunk town.
  39. The new dance craze sweeping the nation.
  40. The tenth donut place to open up in this neighborhood.
  41. The USB port.
  42. The port in a storm.
  43. The Port Authority.
  44. The mole on your right arm that you really need to get checked out but you haven’t had the time because work is so busy but really that is no excuse and you should just make an appointment with the dermatologist as soon as possible.
  45. The Butcher
  46. The Baker
  47. The Candlestick Maker
  48. The mother of fifteen beautiful children.
  49. The Soul Cycle instructor.
  50. The bleak specter of our frail human mortality.
  51. The CILLIAN MURPHY. That’s the guy.
  52. The Congressional Tea Party Caucus.
  53. The doctor.

You can buy that throw pillow here. I sure did. – Ed.

Langan Kingsley lives in New York City and performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. You can comb through her thoughts on Twitter @thisislangan.


28 Comments

  1. Lyzz13 +5

    #5: Anthony Hopkins? I think he has eyes. Could be wrong, but there seems to be something definately eye-ish about him.

      1. Trioditis +7

        HIM. Despite never having seen him in anything else, I could not get into A Royal Affair in part because he was supposed to be this sexily compassionate social-reforming, queen-romancing doctor but my lizard brain kept telling me he was going murder everyone, even though this was impossible because, you know, the film is based on actual history, and Johan Struensee did not murder anyone, much less everyone.

        So I am sorry Mads, I am sure you are lovely in real life, and I am impressed that according to Wikipedia you used to be a gymnast, but I am more scared of you than even Christopher Walken.

        1. GreenGrasses +4

          A Royal Affair and I did not work out, either. Although the subject matter was very interesting and the dude who played the Crazy King was great, I just…well…obviously the guy who plays a Bond villain that cries blood is going to murder everyone always.

          1. nicole_fcd +2

            and to make it worse he now also plays Hannibal Lecter, which doesn’t help on the “murdering everyone” front.

            (personally I really liked A Royal Affair but then I did spend most of it crying over Alicia Vikander)

  2. doctorwhom +4

    other eye-y, serial killer-ish men: Christopher Walken; Gary Busey; John Waters. (of the preceding list I would only ever want to be Christopher Walken)

    1. Lyzz13 +2

      idk, John Waters is delightfully trashy and knows a lot of cool people. I’d shave off the mustache though.

    2. shahea +2

      Gary Busey is a personal favorite because of the line Jeremy Piven said about him in Entourage, “You’re just gonna spin right off the edge of the world one of these days, aren’t you, Gary?”

  4. Katethekate

    I thought at first you might be talking about Peter Stormare, or if we were going classic, Peter Lorre. But I nominate for your crazy-eyes-consideration Mr. Conrad Veidt.

  5. Girl Named Jack +8

    Is anyone going to break it to Alanis that, despite all efforts to the contrary, she embodies #12 with every fiber of her being? She should stop fighting with herself and make peace with the fact.

  6. Orla +5

    Number 12, she may not want to be it, but it’s the best analogy I’ve seen for her yet. Or maybe it’s a metaphor? I don’t know anymore, she broke my mental dictionary years ago with that song that shall not be named.

  7. katekari +7

    #2 gives me so much hope that I am not the only one who has literally had a glass of whiskey in my drawer. On more than one occasion.

    1. Alli525 +7

      Also in the most recently-released Batman movie, Cillian Murphy… er… Scarecrow is on trial, and BURN GORMAN is also in the same room for some reason and I almost peed myself.

      1. nicole_fcd +2

        wasn’t Scarecrow/Cillian Murphy the JUDGE in that trial?

        (…and the jury, and the executioner…)

  9. inapartydress +1

    I immediately thought Chris Cooper for the movie villain, but I’m not sure if his evil is telegraphed through his beady eyes or his lipless mouth. It’s a toss-up, really.

  12. unshored +3

    Now that you mention it, I kind of DO want to be Cillian Murphy. You and I never understood each other, Alanis.

  14. menspraetrepidans +3

    Wait, do I really get to be the first to comment on the brilliance of using David Tennant’s picture as the thumbnail in the sidebar??? God bless you, whoever made that decision.

  16. nicole_fcd +2

    hey, as long as I can carry on thinking that God looks a lot like Alanis Morissette then that’s fine by me.

    (that movie Dogma has a lot to answer for…)