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Home: The Toast

3833012_15666607-plwfr2_bThis post brought to you by our commenter Millper.

  1. The filler if the void is solely yours.
  2. The glass of single malt whiskey hidden in your bottom drawer.
  3. The dust-covered gummy bears at the bottom of your purse.
  4. The weather-worn grin.
  5. The actor that always plays serial killers and villains–you definitely know the one I’m talking about. No, not Peter Sarsgaard. That other guy. The one with the eyes.
  6. The iPhone 5s.
  7. The CAPTCHA.
  8. The embroidered throw pillow.
  9. The Spring 2007 Chico’s catalogue.
  10. The last row on the Greyhound bus right next to the bathroom.
  11. The baked potato.
  12. The three panel cartoon that you never really “get.”
  13. The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
  14. The coffee shop on your block that you never want to go into because it’s kinda quiet and the owner always tries to start a conversation with you but it’s on the way to the subway so sometimes you have no choice.
  15. The only adult at a matinee screening of One Direction: This Is Us (3D).
  16. The mason jar full of hand-picked wildflowers at the wedding reception of a couple you both envy and resent.
  17. The Maxxinista.
  18. The collected short stories of a little-known contemporary American author.
  19. The award for best supporting actress goes to.
  20. The crap that your father still has not cleared out of the goddamned basement.
  21. The smell of the sea in summertime.
  22. The delicate tissue T.
  23. The green switch–no, the green one. GODDAMN IT, I SAID THE GREEN SWITCH! OH GOD NO STOP STOP–DON’T TOUCH THE RED ONE! JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! OH SWEET GOD PRAY FOR US ALL.
  24. The I’m actually in a bit of a rush right now but you make a good point about Obama not doing enough about climate change but anyway thank you so much for the coffee and the scone and yea I’ll definitely look at some of those sites speaking of which how much was the coffee and the scone?
  25. The Little Dipper.
  26. The Big Dipper.
  27. The waitress at Bennigans.
  28. The garlic breath.
  29. The new album by that band that looks like farmers but they’re not–they just dress like that.
  30. The CEO of Charmin toilet paper.
  31. The key grip.
  32. The bathroom key.
  33. The right boob.
  34. The lug wrench.
  35. The number 2 pencil.
  36. The cute one.
  37. The left boob.
  38. The coolest high school senior in this podunk town.
  39. The new dance craze sweeping the nation.
  40. The tenth donut place to open up in this neighborhood.
  41. The USB port.
  42. The port in a storm.
  43. The Port Authority.
  44. The mole on your right arm that you really need to get checked out but you haven’t had the time because work is so busy but really that is no excuse and you should just make an appointment with the dermatologist as soon as possible.
  45. The Butcher
  46. The Baker
  47. The Candlestick Maker
  48. The mother of fifteen beautiful children.
  49. The Soul Cycle instructor.
  50. The bleak specter of our frail human mortality.
  51. The CILLIAN MURPHY. That’s the guy.
  52. The Congressional Tea Party Caucus.
  53. The doctor.

You can buy that throw pillow here. I sure did. – Ed.

Langan Kingsley lives in New York City and performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. You can comb through her thoughts on Twitter @thisislangan.

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