Flavia Dzodan on (amongst other things) why she doesn’t support gendered recommendations for dealing with undocumented migrants.
*
MY LIFE MY FEEEEEELS:
There is a weirdly fitting coda to all of this: I was working to finish this essay in a coffee shop in Central London a few evenings ago, and my computer’s battery ran out just as I typed the word “showrunners.” I sighed and took off my headphones and shut my laptop. And then I heard a very familiar laugh: I looked around and did a genuine double take, because Mark Gatiss was sitting about 10 feet away, chatting with a friend. I tried not to freak out. I was paralyzed: a devoted fan and the creator of said fan’s interest just a few feet apart in a random café and where the hell was the fourth wall (made of impenetrable brick) that I needed to keep me from rushing over and making a fool of myself? I didn’t, don’t worry. Too shy or too scared, or maybe, to put a more positive spin on it, too considerate of a private individual having a conversation to interrupt. After he left, the man at the next table turned around and said, “Was that Mycroft!?” So much more than that, I wanted to tell him. I nodded instead. There’s a metaphor in all of this, somewhere.
*
Naturally, in the years since, other people I met in the early days have died, but those three guys all died within weeks of one another, immediately after I’d left the house. It was like the grim reaper swooped through my pals, cutting them down, saying, “Fuck you clowns. You think this is a joke?” I think of Chris, Arturo, and Luke a lot. I really feel them in me, sort of seated in my heart and along for the ride. I feel stronger when I think about them too. I cry, of course, but they’re not just cautionary tales to me; they’re not excuses to say, “There but for the grace of God go I,” they’re my friends and I sort of think of it like we’re on the path together. They may have vacated their earthly bodies, but they’re welcome to ride in my hairy, borrowed vessel to reach the goal, whatever it may be.
*
Them’s fighting mots.
*
I thought this would be dumb but then I looked at each one longingly.
*
Big books from small presses!
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Seems reasonable to me and Liz Lemon.
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On being a false rape accusation statistic.
*
Well, this sounds like a disaster.
*
The New York Times editorial page guys all hate each other.
*
Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
I will never not be impressed at Ron Delaney’s ability to oscillate between incredibly vulgar comedy and truly beautiful sincerity.
yeah, that piece is hitting me in the feelings
I already know from the excerpt that it’s going to ruin my eyeliner with tears. it’s always tears, either sad tears or hysterical laughter tears with Rob Delaney.
His writing and openness on mental health and addiction is so important, all the more so because he has, what, like eight billion followers on Twitter that it can reach. Love that dude.
yes! I read that piece the other day and it’s so, so good.
Truly. He brings me low.
French is also useful in Africa, New Republic dude.
Yeah, this is exactly why my husband took French in high school.
Yep. Yes, it’s pretty and great literature and the romance of Paris and all that stuff, but thanks to colonialism, it’s not only useful for interacting with dead white people.
Oh, is this the place where we discuss the role of French language classes in a global spectrum? LET’S DISCUSS CANADA, BRO. “One learns French to communicate with…who, exactly?”
………….people who speak French???????
There is nobody who speaks French shaddup
In 20-years time, when his child moves to Canada (possibly reasons: fed up with the still dysfunctional American health care system, discourage by the election of a batshit Republican as President), and his child loses a job opportunity to someone who can speak French . . . .
Or maybe McWhorter will decide to take his next ski vacation in Quebec… and decide to tell the locals that he thinks the French language is useless . . ..
Seriously, having French for virtually any government (federal or provincial) job (and a good deal of private jobs, especially if they do business with anyone in QC) is at least a strong asset if not a requirement. And getting a job in Montreal (ie, the second biggest city in the country) is nigh on impossible without French, let alone anywhere else in QC. No-one speaks French, my eye.
Oh MY GOD those sandwiches. Not Safe For Work, because mental orgasms.
How many grilled cheese sandwiches would you say it’s reasonable for me to go eat? I mean, there’s a mac’n’cheese restaurant down the road and not one but TWO hot dog restaurants within walking distance of my office. Surely there’s a grilled cheese outlet, as well.
(I really need to go out for lunch more often. This ‘yogurt at my desk’ thing is so uninspired.)
tell me more about this mac & cheese restaurant
In addition to 2 dozen versions of mac’n’cheese, they serve an appetizer of fried mac balls, with or without bacon.
(Why you’d opt for ‘no bacon’ if you’re not diet-prohibited from it, I can’t fathom.)
http://www.jusmac.com/index.html#anchor_96
I don’t even like mac n cheese, but a fried ball of it is something I can get behind…
I dunno about dakimel’s restaurant, but in Virginia there’s Spacebar. Beers, tater tots, and grilled cheeseses, THE END.
I am looking at those sandwiches while eating nuts, which is not at all sufficient. I should be grading terrible essays instead of making myself more hungry.
Year 2030: McWhorter, Jr. is complaining to his friends. “Yeah, my asshole dad made me learn Mandarin. I don’t know how he expects me to get a fucking job not speaking Kazakh or Hausa…”
“Oui, quelle dommage.”
“De Blasio disagress with that policy”
Really NY Daily News? “Disagress” as a word…in the summary…under the headline…really?
OK and because this is an entirely separate thought, that false rape statistic piece is DEVASTATING and terrifying.
Nauseating. I’m going to go have my little anxiety attack in the corner, please excuse me.
i felt so upset and sick after i read that.
Yeah I feel a little like I’m going to throw up after reading that. Absolutely disgusting.
I used to feel bad for not reporting my rape (which I didn’t report for reasons like this) and now I’m glad I just told my friends/the nice lady at planned parenthood and not the cops.
protect and serve, I guess
It is simultaneously devastating, terrifying, and infuriating. Why do we let things like this happen to people?
Shit like this is what makes me wish Dexter was real.
I’m glad I read it, but wow, it’s going to stick with me big time.
Trigger; can’t read. Devastated just by proxy.
tl;dr A lot of that story was true also of my own rape experience. I’m posting this in here because I didn’t want to make this it’s own comment and scar anyone looking at the thread.
I really appreciated seeing that here, because a lot of it was similar to my rape. I was raped by a stranger, had bruises, tearing and bleeding, and told my parents who took me to the hospital to report it. My mom is a probation officer, and I had the same naive belief as the author that I would be believed and justice would be pursued.
The male officers who wouldn’t call in a female officer on the weekend, hospital not fully equipped to document my physical problems (their camera was broken, so they didn’t take any pictures), hospital that refused to give me the morning after pill (and the AIDS policy), detective who refused to allow the counselor or my parents to accompany me into “interrogation”, etc. was all identical for me. I wasn’t bullied to the same degree – I wrote a complaint after my first meeting with the detective and faxed it to the department because my mom discovered through contacts that the detective was being moved in a week due to his record of treating victims disrespectfully.
They still refused my request for a new detective though. They basically just told me there was nothing they could do to solve it and nothing would ever be further investigated or brought to trial. All of the invasive samples taken at the hospital would probably never be tested due to backlogs and a lack of resources at labs. They suspected I had just drank too much and told me I should be more careful about that. No one made me reenact anything, or hug them, thank god.
Reporting the rape did a much bigger number on my sense of security than the rape itself.
Also, while I mostly agree with Dzodan, I hate hate hate the way all concepts of respect and agency and listening break down when rich world leftists talk about economic conditions in the developing world. It seems like Flavia doesn’t know or care what Bangladeshis think about H&M and Zara operating factories in their country, nor does she seem to recognize the workers in those factories as anything other than faceless, exploited subjects who only evolve into fully-fledged human beings once they cross the European frontier.
OK, the next time the European left wins a 77% increase in the minimum wage in two months, then they can start lecturing developing country workers on what their country’s economic policies should be and how to implement them…
preach
You know that Flavia Dzodan is an immigrant to Europe from the developing world, right?
I had assumed Serbian from the surname? Anyway, that doesn’t automatically insulate her from the charge of being dismissive and wrongheaded in speaking about “the Global South” as a whole, does it?
She’s an immigrant but not from a developing country, she is from Argentina. And while I agree with much of what she said in that post unfortunately she made a lot of sweeping generalizations about developing countries without much exploration into what citizens of those countries think (never mind the fact that the ‘global south’ encompasses a wide and diverse range of countries all experiencing different issues).
That lasagna grilled cheese! I came across that recipe awhile back and immediately showed my lasagna-loving BF, who SHOT IN DOWN in favor of regular old lasagna. It’s a really good thing he has other, better qualities. So, my big plans for the weekend: making lasagna grilled cheese, gloating, not sharing.
I heartily approve
After reading the false rape statistic piece, I am reminded why I’ll continue to volunteer for my local rape crisis center. I urge everyone to find your local rape crisis center (rainn.org), and support them however you feel you can: financially, as a volunteer, or as a sexual assault counselor. Or just putting the center’s number in everyone’s cell phone.
That whole piece was devastating, but a thing that kept jumping out at me was all the illegal stuff the cops did. Does your rape crisis center/do rape crisis centers in general offer classes or even simply pamphlets about the legalities around survivors’ rights re: reporting? It’s infuriating that in a time of crisis, a rape survivor must ALSO be a lawyer, suddenly. I know I wouldn’t know anything about what was and wasn’t allowed, so it would be nice if there was someone, somewhere (high school health class? self-defense course? work HR department?) that would provide this information as an FYI/”just in case…” kind of thing. Just spitballin’ here.
It is really hard to stop police from breaking the law though. Who are you going to call, the police? They all cover each other. I faxed all of my complaints about illegal practices to the dept and kept my own copies – which is why I think I was at least treated in a moderately civil manner when I reported my rape – but no one would apologize for or fix their practices to be consistent with the law. They sent me into a room with the (female) head of the sexual assault detective unit who basically told me none of my complaints would be addressed and that I better stop.
I’m all about documenting things and fighting cases, but honestly I don’t think I would have ever had the energy for the level of fight it would have taken, especially in that state. In my experience, the counselors do what they can but are also hesitant to make waves because their first and only concern is for the well being of the victim. And often, the victim just wants to get the hell out of there.
I wrote a post for the student portion of Obama’s sexual assault task force (http://to-the-sa-task-force.tumblr.com/) that recommended an enormous increase in visibility of resources to victims. I’m a volunteer advocate as well, and I hear from so many people that they had no idea we exist. Our orientation materials were laughable (anyone else get the “urinate, defecate, or regurgitate” spiel?) and we never heard another peep from the university about resources after that. How can victims get the help they need if they don’t know it’s out there? How can they know their rights if nobody tells them?
Any support to sexual and domestic violence centers is so much appreciated. Also, send your suggestions for addressing campus violence to that Tumblr!
The privatization of any part of the legal system, including the prison system, makes me so angry I could…never mind.
I keep hoping I’ll get into a private prison, but I’m getting waitlisted at a lot of places and I’m super nervous I’ll have to go public.
I can understand why. You may get into one of the swanky “tech” prisons where they teach you how to use Office and Photoshop. The special diet plans (650-1000 calories/day) leave you with a stunning figure upon release.
One of the ways I manage to reassure myself that I’m a good person is that it never would have occurred to me to make money off imprisoning people and taking advantage of them and their families. So, I may fail in other ways, but at least I’ve got that going for me.
That link explains so much about the NYTimes editorial page! “32 people who are either columnists or members of the editorial board, 26 are white, and 23 are male.” GAAAAHHHH SMASH.
I am glad to see so many Times reporters freely speaking about Thomas Friedman’s ridiculousness. They would probably enjoy this piece of hilarity: http://thomasfriedmanopedgenerator.com/about.php
Holy cow, that thing is accurate.
So, so glad to see the article about “false” rape accusations, because the writer’s story is one that is sadly very common. Her treatment by the police was infuriating (and often illegal), and this is a detail that people seem to often overlook. Statistics are great, sure, but by Jove, people, they’re not The Truth.
Why are so many of the TImes’ opinion writers such embarrassments? Tom Friedman, David Brooks, Ross Douthat, Nicholas Kristof–it’s not just that I often disagree with their points, but they’re all so lazy and often outright wrong, or plainly misinterpreting the studies they quote, to the point that you would think the TImes wouldn’t publish them.
I don’t know if it’s fair to lump Kristof in with the rest of that crew. He has his issues, but he’s certainly leagues better than the rest of them. But yes, Friedman just makes things up and bends the facts to fit his theories, Brooks is a conservative apologist, and I haven’t been able to stomach enough of Douthat’s work to really make a generalization about him. I think that they might be the Time’s version of trolling its readership though.
Kristof isn’t as bad, you’re right, but I don’t like the way he likes to portray himself as the ~savior of abused women, usually women of color from poorer countries. Especially that times he’s live tweeted raids on brothels, etc.
Oh, I agree with that assessment 100%, but at the same time, he seems very earnest and has actually done a lot, and put himself in harm’s way for the sake of helping others. I do wish he would portray himself differently though.
Oh New Republic dude, I did not take 6 years of French plus a foreign language in elementary school program plus a semester in college plus three summers of sleepaway French camp for high school credit for the sake of my future career. I took it cause it was fun. And pretty.
c’est très jolie là
i loooove the “big books from small presses” roundup! even though it’s buzz feed, it was interesting. maybe the Toast could do its own round-up of that from time to time, possibly maybe?
That false rape statistic one is a gut punch.
I kept waiting, and waiting, for an even slightly-happy ending.
Has anyone read that Gender Equality = Less Sex thing in the NYT Mag yet? Thoughts?
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a…
That article…really really frustrated me. It’s hard to say much since they didn’t link to the original study that lead to the article but it seemed like there were a lot of sweeping generalizations and stereotypes that the author went in with that effected the way the article was written. I don’t think it was as well explored as it could have been. Like, when they talk about relationships where men doing feminized chores lead to lower instances of sex it seems like maybe it could be that men only do feminized chores when pushed to, so they happen when both partners lives are already busy and over-stresed (leading the man to pitch in). Or, as was mentioned a little towards the end of the article that sexist beliefs about the value of women’s work lead men to feel emasculated and women to feel frustrated and both partners to be less likely to want sex.
I think it was an interesting read but it just didn’t go as deep as I wanted. Like, when she’s talking about how equal marriage leads to equal sex I think there could have been a good discussion of the virgin/whore dichotomy and why so many men who respect their wives have issues with fulfilling their wives sexual needs (however kinky) because they don’t associate that with respectful equal women.
I also think there could have been more info on the ages and other demographic info of the sample subjects she talked to. I’m in my 20s and feel like my boyfriend and I have a very equal relationship (I think he does way more cooking but I’m the only one who cleans the bathtub so it balances out) and it hasn’t impacted our sex life negatively at all. When he was unemployed it dipped briefly because he was so stressed about finding a job (for complicated reasons he didn’t qualify for unemployment benefits so he was worried about money running out) but if the situations were reversed I’m sure unemployment would have crushed my sex drive too. Now he has a job, and while I make more and have a slightly ‘better’ job (in terms of responsibilities, benefits, opportunities for growth) we have tons of really fantastic sex and split the chores equally. And I think a huge part of this is that we were both raised in an era that supports the idea of men and women taking equal roles in the household.
Also I feel like the fact that it was in the NYT is part of why there were a lot of sweeping generalizations that seem to only apply to people with conservative ideas about gender roles. But I may be just bothered by the fact that the tone was a little too close to “here are these problems caused by women having rights” for me.
Yeeees, thanks for articulating the things I couldn’t when cranky and hungry (see above).
I just kept thinking like.. why does having an equal relationship seem to correlate with everyone being way overstressed and overworked and exhausted? Or like, if it takes so much focus to create a communicative, equal relationship, maybe it takes an equal about of focus to have a good sex life.
Ugh. I’m already cranky and hungry, so maaaybe not the best mood to have an open mind, but I side-eyed it a lot. I also muttered “correlation does not equal causation” to myself a bit.
/sees Lori Gottlieb byline /closes tab
I cannot take anything she says seriously given her history.
Y’all are just jealous of Friedman’s Moustache of Understanding.
[All hail David Rees for creating this.]
ETA: I can see the truth in your word-pictures.
Dude, I graduated with a French degree and now have a successful career in a completely unrelated field. As if degree subjects matter any more anyway.
If that grilled cheese post tickled your fancy, come to Ohio, where we have restaurants dedicated entirely to grilled cheese sandwiches: Melt (http://meltbarandgrilled.com/). Personal favorite is the Parma, Italy, which is just a chicken parmesan dish that they put in a grilled cheese sandwich. Sooo good. And they give you soooo much food. I’m hungry now.
omggggg planning next vacation
There is one opening here soon! It is on the very farthest edge of the city, where I never ever go, but I think I just might have to…
Do you mean the Columbus one in the Short North? I’m in Columbus now for school, but I still haven’t been to that one because the wait is always 2 hours.
I need to talk about Season 3 Sherlock. I’ve been spending a lot of time on the #sherlock Tumblr tag and now I Feel Things. Really loved this from that article: “Sherlock: I Wouldn’t Say It’s Making Me Happy, Per Se.”
I also need to talk about Season 3 Sherlock. I guess it didn’t make me happy, per se, either. Mostly it made me nervous. Now that it’s over I feel like it was a great season–but during I was vaguely nauseated with fear/anticipation. I love it too much.
My overall feeling now that I’ve watched all 3 episodes is: Meh? I actually really enjoyed each episode while I was watching them, and I’m sure I’ll rewatch them all, but I wouldn’t say they were actually very good.
I, also, rolled my eyes at that grilled cheese article. I, also, have now seen the light. The light full of cheese and many other wonderful ingredients. O glorious light.
I have never bookmarked anything from Buzzfeed in my life, nor did I expect to, but that grilled cheese link went directly into my ‘recipes’ folder.
I think some of those sandwiches are stretching the definition of “grilled cheese” THAT SAID I would climb over my own mother for that bratwurst/cheese/soft pretzel sandwich right now.*
*I’m choosing to focus on/talk about the sandwiches because the “false rape” story just wrecked me and I don’t even know what to say about it, or if I could even say anything about it without crying.
I have a ten pound bag of onions from Costco. I think I should caramelize about half of them and then have a French Onion grilled cheese and make french onion soup and just eat onions forever.
DO IT. You can freeze them if you have more than you can eat immediately.
There is apparently a slow cooker method for caramelizing onions that allows you to do a large batch of them without extensive labor. I’ve never tried but it seems like this would be your opportunity…
I saw this and thought of the archivist Toastinies out there. (Did I spell Toastinies right?)
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/nyregion/new-yo…
Best job in the world, right? Imagine all the random documents you could spend hours collecting! Then you could share them here! And he could train you! And you could swim in the awkward, as described in the article. And you could talk, or not talk, for hours with him!
Also, I have the feels about Sherlock season 3 also and loved the Fangirl article. Thank you for the link! I’m thinking of printing it out (an honor for any article because of how much of a pain in the ass that is) so that I’ll be able to reread it in twenty years and remember what this felt like. She just explained the feels so well. And well, being caught up in the feels makes it especially hard to explain them well. It was a wonderful thing to read.
Tomorrows breakfast is apple and sriracha butter grilled cheese. Health food!
UGH, John McWhorter, you are a wonderful linguist and I enjoy reading your stuff most of the time, so why are you being such a huge asshole about French?! THIS IS NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE, JOHN MCWHORTER. (AT LEAST NOT WHO I HOPE YOU ARE.) *glares sadly, clutching linguistics degree*
It happened to my friend. There's no happy ending. She was convicted by a court for "lying"
Thank you for posting that link. A heartbreaking, but important read.
I've opened it to read when I have some time later, but just wanted to say that your'e right and I should have focused solely on what she was saying and not where she may be from. Thanks for posting it.