Claire. Claire. Listen to me Claire, just listen. This is a good opportunity Claire, not a lot of people would be able to get this experience. Think of all of the things you could do with this experience, such as telling other people about your experience. Don’t you like conversations, Claire? Don’t you appreciate the human need for interaction? This is a good opportunity, Claire, and there are dozens of other young people who would love to be offered this internship.
The great thing about interning with us is that, well, yes, the experience. Haven’t you ever played Pokemon, Claire? You have got to train your Pokemon, you’ve got to get them experience. This is you, evolving from a Pidgey into a Pidgeotto. But first you need that experience. You can’t expect to live your life successfully as a Pidgey because there are just so many Pidgeys. You walk into every fucking field and there’s another Pidgey, all of them the same. But you only need one Pidgey, Claire, that one special Pidgey that just happened to be in the right time at the right place for you to knock it unconscious and- well this metaphor is getting away from me, Claire, but I see Pidgeotto in you.
Think of it this way, Claire, you’ve got to pay your dues. You can’t just expect to win an intergalactic basketball game without proper training, Claire. You gotta call in Michael Jordan, and this fax machine here, that’s your Michael Jordan. Do you just think you can use a magic basketball to suck out Charles Barkley’s skills and use them to defeat the Looney Toons? No, that didn’t work for the cigar smoking dude, and that’s certainly not going to work for you. What do you mean you haven’t seen Space Jam?
Okay, let’s try something else. Taking this internship will set you apart from the others because you’ll already have been working. See, it’s important to set yourself apart. Why do you think Mandy Moore dyed her hair brown, huh? She didn’t want to be mistaken for just another Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. Sure, they had different singing voices and sure, only one of them was a good dancer and the other was a good singer, and Mandy later found her true calling being the oddball (Short hair! Wow!) in teen movies, but the point is the same. You don’t want to be the blonde here, Claire. Yes I know you’re a blonde. That was a metaphor.
If you’re not prepared for the real world, what do you think is gonna happen to you? You think you can just figure skate your way through the 1994 Winter Olympics without a hitch, but it doesn’t work like that. Some mustachioed man and his goon will pop you in the kneecap, and you’ll be wondering “Why, why, why [didn’t I take that internship?]!”
What do you have on your resume so far, Claire? Nothing? You need to pack things onto it, Claire, you need to make it more impressive. You wanna dance for a living? You gotta start in the exotic capacity first, if you know what I mean. Maybe weld on the side. Just pack in everything you can, you can’t be afraid to get wet. Let go of the whole bucket, just douse yourself in experience. “What a feeling!” That’s what you’ll be saying to yourself.
You don’t want to pass up a good opportunity, Claire. If you do, you’ll find yourself really regretting it. You’ll see that other people with things that you want, and you won’t be able to do anything about it. This internship, this is your woman. Now, if you don’t take it, one of your ‘sometimes friends’ who you have a lot of passive aggressive feelings about will snatch her up. This isn’t Jessie’s girl, this is your girl. I’m aware there are other internships, but where can you find a woman like this?
Another great thing–and man, I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention it–is that you’ll learn the value of working in a team. I know in college it’s everyone for themselves, but you have to get out of that mindset if you want to really be successful. What’s the power of one Care Bear? I mean, have you ever seen a single Care Bear get shit done on his own? No, that doesn’t happen, because the Care Bears are a team. They have to lock arms to make rainbows come out of their stomachs, and that’s the way it should be. There’s a lot to be said about working in teams, and every member counts. Even the ones that are sort of insignificant and don’t appear in all the episodes and are mostly there on a trial basis, like the Care Bear Cousins. We’re all family here, really.
The thing is, you can’t jump straight into “regular employment” without having an internship first. That’s flying too close to the sun, I’m afraid. That’s dreaming too big. That’s inventing a teleportation device that eventually causes your gruesome death. You think that you’re some big shot scientist, taking on the world at your own pace, but you’re really nothing more than a fly. Not even a fly, a fly-man hybrid. Either way it’s really gross. Nobody likes a Brundlefly, Claire.
Well Claire, there you have it. As you can see, there are plenty of reasons to take this internship, and I hope you’ll make the right choice. You’re one of the New Kids on the Block, and if you think you can hang tough and learn the moves, you’ll find yourself successful. Like I said earlier Claire, I believe in you. You Got It (The Right Stuff).
What did you say? Oh. This internship is unpaid.
Tags: business, chelsea upton, humor, internships, jobs, space jam
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You are not going to catch that Pidgey or get it any experience points if you knock it unconscious. You have to *almost* kill it, and then you can catch it. Or just throw a better Pokeball.
Okay, now I’ll read the rest of the article.
Seems like that’s the type of knowledge you could get with a GOOD INTERNSHIP OPPORTUNITY
Also helps if you can use Sleep or Paralyze first. Never Poison, though, because then it might faint before you can throw a Pokeball.
Got it. So interns should be paralyzed or giving sleeping pills, but you should NOT kill them.
(Night Vale Public Radio is doing it all wrong.)
“I see Pidgeotto in you”
Claire, there are many applicants hiding in the grass… but “I choose you”.
Pokemon references are always current, dammit!
“Claire, going out there and trying to make it in the real world with no internship experience is like trying to operate the PC in Anarchy Mode. You won’t be able to navigate the menus. You’re going to accidentally release a lot of great opportunities, and you can never get them back. And in the end, you’re just going to wind up with a random assortment of low-level temp positions from the Safari Zone.”
But pidgey is for us genwunners! Kids these days, don’t know nothing about pidgeys and zubats. Need to get the fundamentals back into our (trainer) schools!
I feel like I should switch to another account to confess in a whisper that I didn’t get into Pokemon until I had left school–by which I mean college–and spent almost a decade looking like some sort of god damn responsible adult, until I was sucked into the desperate joy that was Pokemon Soulsilver.
Many of my peers think I was insane to accept Pokemon into my life in ninth grade, when I first handled a Yellow cartridge. Even now, in my nerdiest social circle of nerds, my fellow Pokemon player is the one who started playing to bond with his daughter.
Like cubone, I am cursed to be alone with my nostalgic memories…
My 8-year-old daughter is now deeply into Pokemon, and now I know more about them than I ever imagined. Also I now do a good Pikachu voice and have started researching how to make a Team Rocket costume for Halloween.
I can’t figure out why reading this made me so sad. Something about the Care Bear Cousins, I think.
Related: last week I watched Center Stage for the first time since high school and I THOROUGHLY enjoyed rediscovering how much Mandy Moore featured on the soundtrack.
CENTER STAAAAAGE!
“You didn’t have the feet, BUT I DON’T HAVE THE HEART (for this internship)!”
Yasssss. Did you find that it held up? I think it holds up. And even if it didn’t, there are men in tights having a dance-off and the best of turn-of-the-century Mandy Moore and Jamiroquai, so who cares.
*drives motorcycle onto stage*
*weird ballet sex*
I mean, it was so weird and questionably-acted in the first place that it holds up purely because I never wanted more from it than what it always has been: boys in tights, dance-offs, motorcycles on stage (EDGY), and weird ballet sex, as you and @angryporcupine rightly point out.
Plus Zoe Saldana chewing gum in class and cursing out her teachers and adding like four extra letters to the beginning of “Rodriguez” every time she introduces herself. OH GOD I love this movie so much.
I’m probably gonna watch it again when I get home, not gonna lie.
Also: fouettés and red pointe shoes.
I may have just dug out my old VHS copy.
Sometimes I worry about the red glitter lipstick. Did they seal it with some kind of hazardous chemical to keep glitter from glittering all over her teeth. Or does she just have to smile nonstop from the moment it is applied to the moment she runs off stage and douses her lips in acetone.
If we go along with the theatrical pretense that she changed into the scarlet costume onstage, after being tugged about by two strapping young men, HOW WOULD THIS HAVE BEEN DONE
As a Claire, this post really spoke to me.
I was going to say, that’s my name, don’t wear it out.
Claires for the win!
BILL MURRAY WAS IN SPACE JAM?! Why don’t I remember that?
Literally, this is what I came down to the comments to exclaim before finishing the post!!!
HOW is that not a thing that we all remember all the time!?!
….I still have my Elephant Care Bear Cousin. I’m not sure whether to feel proud or ashamed I’ve been carting him around for the last 25 years.
Ok, but re: Nancy/Tonya, if there is anyone out there that hasn’t already seen The Price of Gold, it’s up on Netflix now so you are officially out of excuses. It’s so good! Who doesn’t love a good figure skating documentary underscored by class analysis???
Just imagine Claire Underwood’s reaction to being told this.
Her haircut kills the recruiter.
If we’re going to pay people in cultural capital, we need a better changeover rate– when does the switch to Whuffie take over?
Sometimes I worry about the red glitter lipstick. Did they seal it with some kind of hazardous chemical to keep glitter from glittering all over her teeth. Or does she just have to smile nonstop from the moment it is applied to the moment she runs off stage and douses her lips in acetone.
If we go along with the theatrical pretense that she changed into the scarlet costume onstage, after being tugged about by two strapping young men, HOW WOULD THIS HAVE BEEN DONE
Claires for the win!
I can't help but hear Judd Nelson's voice reciting this entire piece to Molly Ringwald's Claire character in the Breakfast Club… just me? I guess that's my only Claire reference.