The Next Generation of Wearable Tech -The Toast

The Next Generation of Wearable Tech

ByJaya Saxena

on March 19, 2014 in Art

Last week at SXSW, one forum introduced the latest in wearable technologies.

1. Bracelet that knows all your passwords.

2. Necklace that knows all your secrets.

3. Earrings that whisper affirmations to you before important meetings.

4. Skateboard Feet.

5. Sleeveless Slanket.

6. An engagement ring that shouts “It’s a lab diamond!” anytime someone mentions DeBeers within 100 feet.

7. One of those one-man-band rigs but the knee cymbals have solar panels.

8. A lil venture capitalist bro that fits in your pocket and finances your content buys at the bodega.

10. Wifi wig.

11. Headphones that are supposed to let you listen to music without bothering those around you but really project a weak version of any song’s bassline to at least half a subway car.

12. Ring watch that actually works.

Jaya Saxena is a Staff Writer at The Toast.

Comments (22)

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+31 Vote up Vote down

Samk12345 114p · 576 weeks ago

Advances in wearable tech that we'd like to see:

1) Belt that automatically loosens while you are eating

2) A google glass that makes you look less douchey

Advances in wearable tech that we probably won't see:

1) Shoelaces that don't unravel

2) A google glass that makes you look less douchey

3 replies · active 497 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

DeLoreanGrey 127p · 576 weeks ago

Advancing belt technology only props up the oppression we all feel with pants, especially during a good ass meal. Down with belts! No pants, no masters! Something, something, pantriarchy!

+8 Vote up Vote down

Katethekate · 576 weeks ago

Pantriarchy. :)

+2 Vote up Vote down

pochue 0p · 497 weeks ago

2) A google glass that makes you look less douchey They attempted this in v4 but it was completely and utterly hopeless in UAT.

+20 Vote up Vote down

Toft 126p · 576 weeks ago

A monocle that plays Flappy Bird. Galoshes that report on water level, water temperature, and direction of current. A parasol with one of those curved OMNIMAX screens on the inside. A mood ring that reports on the moods of everyone within 50 feet. Greaves that allow you to record video from the perspective of your shins.

2 replies · active 576 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Katethekate · 576 weeks ago

Toft, I seriously think you really need to get working on all of these. I cannot go another day without these inventions.

+33 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 576 weeks ago

1) Bluetooth headset shaped like a dick so it saves everyone who sees you screaming about stock tips into thin air the trouble of thinking "that guy must be a real dickface."

+20 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 576 weeks ago

A hat that is also a Cloaking Device
Nail polish that is also a thumb drive
Shoes that look like high heels but are actually flat and won't destroy your feet

1 reply · active 576 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

Samk12345 114p · 576 weeks ago

"Shoes that look like high heels but are actually flat and won't destroy your feet "

BRILLIANT.

Also: mirrored-underwear that when someone tries to take a picture or video of your underwear without your consent it breaks the device AFTER it sends an e-mail to all of the users contact list "I'm a creep that takes creepshots!" Or a high pitched alarm that notifies authorities. Either or I'm not picky.

+14 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 576 weeks ago

omg, a ring watch. I love watches dearly but the ring watch was THE SHIT when I was in middle school. I had a horribly ugly blue one I got as a gift and I wore it because it was sooo cooool. But I could never be truly cool because I had only three Milky pens and no bubble shirt.

1 reply · active 497 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

pochue 0p · 497 weeks ago

@Microsoft was in DEV for a smart necklace that beams to your arm and it was gorgeous!

+23 Vote up Vote down

cuminafterall 108p · 576 weeks ago

All I've wanted my whole life is just some glasses with little windshield wipers. Where is THAT technology, I ask you

1 reply · active 576 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

jhsaxena 136p · 576 weeks ago

At my friend's 7th birthday party with Silly Billy the clown.

+17 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 576 weeks ago

A goddam waterproof smart phone.

1 reply · active 576 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 576 weeks ago

They had a coating for this that worked really well at CES a couple of years ago, I have no idea what happened to it since then!

+6 Vote up Vote down

donkeywork 94p · 576 weeks ago

Pretty sure Skateboard Feet and the Sleeveless Slanket were on the same bill at sxsw.

+6 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 576 weeks ago

Haha, I can't fully enjoy this as a tech writer because I know some of these are real and/or in development.

1 reply · active 576 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

YeahJustAlice 102p · 576 weeks ago

WHICH ONES? IS IT THE KNEE CYMBALS?!

+4 Vote up Vote down

Katethekate · 576 weeks ago

Basically I want one of those Klingon uniforms where you can remove bits and build things from them - not a phaser or a knife though, maybe like a flashlight, portable espresso machine, and a small midi keyboard?

+2 Vote up Vote down

abrantingham 98p · 576 weeks ago

"A lil venture capitalist bro" sounds so cute somehow

+2 Vote up Vote down

michelfedrick 35p · 558 weeks ago

Great info.

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