Good morning everyone, and thank you for joining me. As an adult, and not two 10-year-olds sitting on each others shoulders and wearing a trenchcoat, I would like to present to you my research on homework and its effects on the nonacademic lives of students. After years of research, it is my academic opinion that homework is the stinky pits.

Students who did more hours of homework experienced greater behavioral engagement in school but also more academic stress, physical health problems, and lack of balance in their lives. . . .In these competitive school climates, learning has become a secondary goal. Instead, students’ hard work and the stress it creates are accepted as necessary to obtain the credentials needed to succeed in a competitive climate.

As always I apologize for any rustling or murmuring that may emanate from my midsection. May we continue? I. Me. As I was saying, students often sacrifice personal health and well-being in order to complete hours upon hours of homework, when often very little knowledge is actually retained. These are hours the student could use for other important activities, like…say, video games.

Also, did you know that some normal games are good for learning? It’s why you should buy them that Wii so they can play Super Mario 3D World. Excuse me? No, I don’t know what a Math Blaster is. Moving on.

This research indicates a weak relation, if any, between homework and achievement in elementary school. . . .Beyond 2 hr, homework may have detrimental achievement effects, leading Cooper to suggest somewhere between 90 min and 2.5 hr per night as optimal in high school.

Hmm, what’s that? You saw me consult with what is most likely my bellybutton regarding the content of the lecture? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyway, also suggested is letting your child watch as many Yu-Gi-Oh! reruns as they want while they work! It totally helps. There was a study.

Thank you for your time, and now that we all agree that homework blows, I trust you will begin setting your curricula accordingly.

*falls in clothes heap*