7. “Brittney Griner is 23 years old, 6 feet 8 inches tall and one of the best female basketball players in the world. She was the WNBA top draft pick last year, and in college she set records for the most blocked shots in a season and the most career blocks in history — for male and female players. She’s so good that the owner of a men’s team — the Dallas Mavericks — has said he’d recruit her.”
Taller than a man. Faster than a man. Better than a man. That’s what butches are made of.
6. “She plays with a kind of emancipated abandon,” he says, and he admires her openness about the sexism and homophobia she’s encountered in the not-particularly-progressive world of college athletics.
Emancipated abandon. What else does she do with emancipated abandon, one wonders. One wonders and one shivers.
5. “Now she’s made it something of a mission to address closet culture in women’s sports.”
Brittney Griner cleaves through shadows and secrets with a hammer of flame and righteousness. She wears a breastplate of truth, and a girdle of strength, and a helmet of integrity, and she is arm’d so strong in honesty that your threats pass by her as th’ idle wind, which she respects not.
“I had a girl come up and tell me how her coach basically told them that they could not be gay on their team,” she says. “And I’ve heard stories of some coaches will not recruit you if you are.”
NOT ON BRITTNEY GRINER’S WATCH.
4. “When Nike endorsed her as its first openly gay athlete, the company asked her to model its menswear line.”
Brittney Griner in Oxford wingtips. Brittney Griner in form-fitting white suits. Brittney Griner in bowties, but it’s not pretentious or affected when she does it, somehow. Brittney Griner in those lightweight zip-up sweaters that are cut kind of square but wouldn’t look square on her, not at all, with the sleeves that fall just a little bit past the wrist.
She is poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. She can track a falcon on a cloudy day.
Brittney Griner and I are joined by the bonds of true love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break that, not with a thousand swords.
“What I’m looking for in a woman is a blogger, someone who sits a lot, and just wants to watch Futurama episodes together and let me reenact all of Wesley’s scenes from The Princess Bride while she stays in her bathrobe all afternoon,” Griner probably continued. “Someone who will come to the gym and watch me bench press weights until all the veins in my forearms pop out, but won’t actually participate in any working out herself.”
3.”She dresses like a 1920s male dandy,” Zirin marvels. “And it’s pretty amazing to see. I don’t know anybody who pulls off argyle socks quite like Brittney Griner.”
*whispers weakly* a 1920s male dandy
2. “Griner is taller than 99 percent of the American population.”
*slides bonelessly to the floor*
1. “Now I want to stand out,” she says. “I want to show off how big I am; I want to show off my long arms, my big hands — just loving myself.”
She pauses, then adds: “It’s just a place of peace.”
Arms — hands — woman — guhhhhhhnnhhnhnh –
Mallory Ortberg was co-editor of The Toast from 2013-2014. She will be deeply missed.
Tags: basketball, beauty, brittney griner, butches, fashion, perfect women
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I lost it when you started quoting Buttercup.
I tweeted this at you yesterday! It was the 1920s male dandy part that made me think of you.
She really is the gold standard for looking AMAZING in menswear.
Mallory your writing makes me question my sexuality.
yes mine too
same–but I’d say it’s like 40% Ortberg, 60% Griner in this case.
why did i not know about the existence of this glorious woman before now
where do i go to officially lay out my body for her to do as she wishes
I’m imagining some vast collective of women who stand, chins jutted provocatively, alongside each other at the entrance to her gym/altar. They don’t jostle or belittle each other in an effort to put themselves forward for her consideration, because they know. They know that there is mysticism involved, and celestial light, and always just that perfect amount of random chance, all blending together for her to make her choice.
They know that just by arriving to this place together, they are one, and that is beautiful in & of itself, the worshiping in common of this woman.
They know that, if they are not the chosen on this day, there might be another day. A day when the celestial light points in their direction. And if – when – it does, their sisters will rejoice, and depart happily in pairs and groups, bonded by the experience of standing, bow ties and argyle and skin art and nail art and even peplums, side by side, in the presence of true greatness and beauty and power.
If I logout of my account, do I get to like this multiple times? Is that the secret we’ve all been waiting for for so long?
Hooray for Dandys (dandies?). And argyle anything.
Rest in Peace, Mallory. (in Brittney Griner’s “Place of Peace”, that is.)
She’ll need it, it must have been exhausting typing this with one hand.
HA!
Yesterday I laid a beatdown on a coworker for questioning why Brittney Griner wrote an autobiography at the age of 23. YOU DO NOT QUESTION THIS.
Brittney Griner is important in every way.
That whole article is Mallory-bait. I swear someone is trolling her at NPR (in the best way).
EMANCIPATED ABANDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 1920s male dandy.
A. 1920s. Male. Dandy.
6′ 8″ of 1920s male dandyyyyy
Here is a photo of Brittney Griner with a boa constrictor, because she is an Amazon goddess and also a BAMF.
I too came with the humble offering of Brittney wreathed in a Python. http://ballislife.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/…
I’ll be in my bunk until the heat death of the universe
That picture is exactly how I want Wonder Woman to look all the time, especially with the star tattoo on her shoulder, dangerous creatures that she has tamed optional but recommended.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Brittney Griner, just casually discussing the inimitable allure of bloggers…
now I have to do a fanfic about benedict and brittney having lunch and discussing their great loves
Yes. Yes, you do.
Please keep in mind that she is eight inches taller than him.
That makes it so much better even.
I was entranced by the idea of “The Queer Sound of Music,” but I think now that I have caught a glimpse of “The Princess Brides” I shall die if it never becomes a thing.
Only I might personally recast Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts as Katie Sackhoff, but that’s just me. I love Brittney Griner and she would make an excellent knight in shining armor, but Katie Sackhoff has this perfect pirate grin…
Just hear her the grin in voice right now. “I hate to kill you.” “I hate to die.”
I adore Katee Sackhoff, but… I have a picture somewhere of present day Robin Wright Penn with her short hair and her sort of leonine intensity in a black lace up dress and so what I’m saying is I want Buttercup to play the new Dread Pirate Roberts.
Amanda Seyfrid or someone can be Buttercup, I’m not really bothered.
It was this one.
Ok, I feel ya, I’m pretty into this idea.
*THUD*
brb, replacing all Chuck Norris references on the internet with Brittney Griner
“Brittney Griner in Oxford wingtips. Brittney Griner in form-fitting white suits. Brittney Griner in bowties, but it’s not pretentious or affected when she does it, somehow. Brittney Griner in those lightweight zip-up sweaters that are cut kind of square but wouldn’t look square on her, not at all, with the sleeves that fall just a little bit past the wrist.”
I KNOW. And that voice. Oof.
I caught this on NPR last night and I couldnt get out of my car.
The entire conversation between me and my husband when Brittney Griner appeared on Conan:
me: Oh, hey, I was just reading something about herrrrr… [trails off, watches Griner walk across the stage, all legs and arms and smile and wow]
him: Yeah, she’s an impressive –
me: SHHHHHH
[long pause]
him: Wow, she’s even taller than I –
me: SHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHH SHHHHHH
[long pause]
me: [just in case] SHUT IT.
You were right to do it. Men should be seen and not heard.
Now that I’m reliving it, I realize I may have
A. reported it with gaps;
B. given him the mistaken impression that we should talk while she was talking;
because I seem to recall squealing about bowties and shoulders and arrrrrrrrrms, which IS NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU TO TALK, MY LOVE, NOT WHILE BRITTNEY GRINER IS TALKING, NO, SHUT IT.
This is just the best in every way. Sigh.
YOU GUYS I AM ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM BRITTNEY GRINER AND I HAVE SEEN HER PLAY BASKETBALL LIVE AND SHE IS AMAAAAAZING. *whispers* And I might get to meet her on her book tour omgomgomg.
I think I was just making a low humming noise while reading this whole thing. Like a sigh-hum.
“The shorts came in short or extra short,” she says. “As soon as I heard that — ‘sleek and sexy’ — I was like, ‘Um, excuse me, I play basketball.’ I save clothes like that for my evenings with Mallory.”
Yes yes this was hilarious and I want to marry you but what is this: “Mallory Ortberg was co-editor of The Toast from 2013-2014. She will be deeply missed.”
So, sliiiiiiightly off-topic, but based on the strength of this article I think I’ve decided to become a dedicated fan of women’s basketball, because any sport someone that awesome participates in I should clearly pay more attention to. I know nothing of basketball and live a cable-less internet-ful existence. Tips and tricks from the already initiated in the world of watching sport on the internet? Or general tips from recent basketball converts on how to learn more? I would be very grateful.
ok cheesy AOL video but BRITTNEY GRINER’S LESBIAN TATTOO, Y’ALL https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IGpmSXoXy4
Fucking *head explodes* the article already but ohgod her voice I thought I was pretty much straight but I would straight up not even be able to speak to this woman jesus christ.
https://liveaccess.wnba.com/wnbala/secure/registe…
The WNBA season starts in May and I don't know how much a subscription costs this year but last year it was $15 for the full season/all the games.
As to how to learn more? I don't know. I just pay attention to the announcers and read grantland articles. I've only been paying attention for ~2 seasons now so I'm not really sure what I'm looking for.
*THUD*
I love the Buttercup reference. But you had me even before that, at Julius Caesar.
“What I’m looking for in a woman is a blogger, someone who sits a lot, and just wants to watch Futurama episodes together and let me reenact all of Wesley’s scenes from The Princess Bride while she stays in her bathrobe all afternoon,” Griner probably continued. “Someone who will come to the gym and watch me bench press weights until all the veins in my forearms pop out, but won’t actually participate in any working out herself.”
That, and this whole section is some truly inspired writing. Thank you for the belly laugh. (stop looking at my belly. “Toaster Pastry” is an important food group)